Routines are good because they can help us to practice discipline, but routines can be harmful when the importance of a routine takes precedence over intimacy and genuine mental and emotional connection in a marriage. Being robotic in a sense where work becomes more important than seeing that there is something wrong with your spouse can become an issue. Resentment can become a natural reaction and a wedge of separation is formed.
Take, for example, a couple who normally goes to church on Sunday. The husband takes the trash out every Tuesday, kisses his wife, and everything seems fine. The wife is taken care of financially, talks all day to her husband, cooks, and everything is fine. Let’s say the man breaks the routine and doesn’t want to talk so much. Maybe, he starts to withdraw and even picks up some bad habits that aren’t characteristic of a Christian and not what the godly wife expects.
If the woman condemns him for his actions of breaking the routine that she expected instead of fighting alongside him against the root cause of the issue; that man may feel as though he is in his marriage alone and he may withdraw even more. Meanwhile, the wife attempts to garner support from others sharing that her husband is no good based on his actions in the current moment of the struggle rather than the character of the man she chose to marry and love. She fights more so for the routine to be re-installed than for the husband that she says she loves. This can be a serious issue in a marriage.
The Bible shares the below about a foolish woman:
A wise woman builds her home, but a foolish woman tears it down with her own hands. – Proverbs 14:1
In the scenario above, the woman has an opportunity to apply wisdom. It will be uncomfortable, and it will expose some insecurities she may have, but if the man is a genuine godly brother and she a genuine godly sister, the both of them will grow stronger together because of the wisdom applied that would cause them to fight alongside one another rather than fight one another. The woman in the scenario; however, is fighting for the comfort of her robotic routine rather than the freedom of her spouse.
Sadly, some women have a fairytale―all about me attitude, when it comes to marriage. This attitude requires the man to only perform for her. When the man shows weakness; he is put down, disrespected, verbally abused, and almost discarded.
She sees him as her robot instead of a human. Humans have weaknesses, run into roadblocks, and sometimes get overwhelmed and discouraged. Sometimes they need their spouse to show genuine concern for what’s going on with them.
Likewise, some men want to only use their wives sexually as a coping mechanism to get through without showing concern for her emotionally. She is more than a sex object, but a whole human being.
I didn’t even mention how having children can amplify the situation. The routine of robotism can cause a couple to forget the genuine need of one another to simply be. That is to be safe, heard, valued, and comforted with knowing they get one another and are there for one another.
Continued robotic routine with the man and woman only performing for one another to keep the peace, can begin to eat away at true intimacy and emotional and mental connection. Eventually, the couple may become cold and hard wondering how they got there.
This is a real issue. The couple will have to realize it took time to get like this and it will take time to get out of this. Humility will be required for both parties to come together and communicate with respect. A third-party counselor can help to mediate this. If the spars at one another have gotten too harsh for peace; brief separation may be required while each person takes responsibility in working on him and her selves.
“Self-righteousness will not hold a marriage together. There’s going to have to be some humility from both parties.”
Don’t do marriage alone. Allow wise and mature people in enough to build you up and tell you both the truth. Check out resources at Build a Better Us Ministry as they provide education and workshops around this topic.
Tests in your marriage can bring you together in a stronger way if you have the proper wisdom to navigate it. Here wisdom from the Word of God below
See the parable in Luke 11:39 when Jesus and his disciples are questioned by the religious leaders on why they do not wash their hands before eating.
Jesus’ response was to share with the religious leader that it isn’t about the routine of washing the hands or washing the outside of a cup, but the inside of the cup. In other words, Jesus was saying they were focused on the wrong thing.
They want to have an appearance of cleanliness, but where it counts which is the inside of a person, the inner man of the heart, that is neglected. The Bible says that it’s the inner man where various sins are birthed out (See Matthew 15:16-20).
When a couple focuses on a robotic routine instead of tending to the inner man of themselves and the spouse; they focus on the wrong things leaving themselves vulnerable for an attack on their marriage.
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