Abstinence Message

Thankfully, the culture seems to be shifting to where it is becoming more acceptable for those who either practice abstinence or who are virgins to share their journeys. Due to virgin shaming—many who’ve chosen this lifestyle often remain silent. Only because they know they have to be ready for people to attempt to shut their mouths based on their negative experiences with the message of abstinence.

Because I am aware that some have negative experiences with abstinence or the virginity message, I try to be sensitive. I hope to be clear that God values us whether we are virgins or not, abstinent or not. There is forgiveness for those who have had sex outside of marriage. Anyone can change course at any time. Nonetheless, it’s important for those of us practicing abstinence and who are virgins to tell our stories.

Virgins & Non-Virgins Face the Same Things that Lead to Sex Outside of Marriage

Many people have sex for acceptance, love, or the feeling of being wanted. Virgins and those who’ve chosen to practice abstinence experience the same desires yet to be fulfilled. The extended waiting period creates hardship; namely, the hardship of feeling invisible and unwanted at times.

The only difference is the choice made to endure those difficulties in obedience and the choice to find relief in disobedience. As virgins or abstinent people—we can talk about these things because we’ve been through these things.

Our testimonies are not unwarranted. Further, just because we are virgins or practice abstinence doesn’t mean we’ve been obedient in every area. Some virgins have sought relief in masturbation or fantasy lust. I used to be one who participated in both—but God delivered me.

This is why I cannot stand in pride as a virgin because I know this isn’t something I’ve been able to do on my own.

God’s Help is What Allows Us to Remain Abstinent

When I face loneliness, which is a norm for us who practice abstinence, I have to rely on the Lord for his strength. A key to remaining abstinent:

“Concerning this thing I pleaded with the Lord three times that it might depart from me. And He said to me, “My grace is sufficient for you, for My strength is made perfect in weakness.” – 2 Corinthians 12:8-10

In the scripture above, Paul had something that bothered him continually in his flesh. He asked God to take it away. However, God had a purpose for it. Instead of God taking it away. He gave Paul the strength to endure successfully with his weakness. God’s response was my strength is made complete—meaning we will be lacking nothing in our weakness.

This doesn’t mean it will be easy. It doesn’t mean it will not hurt sometimes. It does mean God will get us through it. This is primarily how I’ve gotten through to remain a virgin at 40 years old. When I get weak and want it—I ask God for more strength reminding him of this scripture. When I want to give in because I am lonely, and feel invisible and undesired as a woman—I ask God for more strength. I am not unnatural as a woman. My womanly desires did not go away. I’m simply depending on God for his strength.

God’s Wisdom Helps me Through My Abstinence Journey

None of us have a book on doing relationships well or remaining abstinent until marriage except the Bible. Most of us have been experimenting and learning as we go along. The Holy Spirit a.k.a. the Spirit of truth gives us wisdom on the spot in tricky circumstances.

I’ve since had my first kiss at 40 years old. It was turned into a make-out session. 

I wasn’t expecting it. However, when hands got to moving around—the Holy Spirit gave me wisdom. The wisdom was to grab the gentleman’s hand gently and redirect it away from my erogenous zones. These are the areas that would make it easy to have sex. I was already aroused and he probably was too. When you’re kissing someone and hands get to petting—it’s sort of like a furnace that keeps getting turned up and you want to go to the next level.

The wisdom from God allowed me to stay on the level I was more comfortable with resulting in me remaining abstinent. I took away a lesson from that experience to not get into the back seat of a car with a guy right away. It was our first date. He was very handsome and I guess I was attractive to him as well. We hadn’t had a discussion yet on our views on sex or abstinence. I had to find a way to communicate at the moment that I did not want to go too far.

It worked out with the wisdom of God. I’m moving forward in humility taking the lesson I learned with me. This is how life is. We live and we learn and we make it by God’s grace.

Abstinence & Purity

Many people have their unique interpretations of abstinence. Here, it means no sexual activity. However, it’s important to seek to keep our thoughts pure before God as well. This will assist in leading us to know how far is too far. Some blogs okay masturbation or outercourse, but these are forms of sex without penetration. If we desire to remain pure before God—we will seek to practice purity along with our abstinence journey.

This will mean reframing from dry-humping, masturbation or mutual masturbation. These are activities that will ramp up our sexual appetites even more making it more difficult for us to control the urge for sex. There is a scripture that says a little baking powder makes a big cake in essence (Galatians 5:9.)

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Is Lack of Wisdom or Bad Advice Keeping You Single?

I’m somewhat privy to many conversations that take place in the world of singles as a single woman. I’ve also had my own experiences in living this life. A constant that I’ve come into contact with is a fear of dating due to a lack of knowledge. This keeps us stuck. Also, I’ve run into older women, some married, and some single, who give single women bad advice—keeping them single.

Bad Advice I’ve Noticed Keeping Christian Women Single

I’ve had conversations with some older married women. In their love and care for me, they’ve tried to warn me about men by sharing as many negative experiences from their peers as possible. Some of these women would go on to say things like, “When I was single, I did not even want to be married so I do not understand.”

This statement along with the negative stories of female peers who are trying to date and get to know men hopefully for marriage is discouraging, to say the least. The latter part of the statement saying when she was single, she did not want to be married is also problematic as it implies that having a desire for marriage is somehow shameful or ungodly. Or it implies that having a desire for marriage will lead to a poor outcome like her friends who are struggling. It isn’t wrong to desire a healthy God-honoring marriage. It’s wrong to become desperate for marriage making an idol out of it—resulting in poor decisions and lack of discernment.

I’d spoken with a young lady who was 24. She’d shared that she did not know what was wrong with her for not having a child yet. I asked her if she was married. She said no. I asked why she would be concerned about having a child without being married. Her mom had shared with her that marriages normally don’t stay together. She went on to share that her grandma had shared this with her mother. A seed was planted that marriage doesn’t work so if a woman desires children she should plan to be a single mother.

Finally, a lack of wisdom is a common topic. Many of us primarily got the don’t have sex before marriage from the church and let a man find us. That was it. There’s a lot of information missing between that and the altar. Not because the church was holding out on us, but because many of those in the church did not know much about marriage preparation. Marriage was a natural next step for the previous generation. It was super easy to marry whether you were well-developed as a person or not. Things are different now as Millennials and beyond.

Because many women desire to marry a man without compromising the security we find in singleness through obeying God; we don’t know how to approach dating in a way that will still honor God. Rather than taking a chance risking making a mistake or possibly being successful; we stay stuck waiting for a relationship to come together out of the blue. Many of us lack points of reference for women who have desired to honor God in their relationships and made it to marriage successfully doing so.

The bad advice confirms the fear single women already have or produces fear in those who weren’t fearful:

All of the bad advice plus the lack of wisdom keep single Christian women in a place of stagnation. Due to this fear, many women will not take the necessary steps in putting themselves out there by being intentional in growing in areas that will make them good partners outside of just the spiritual. I will say the spiritual is the foundation and of utmost importance and nothing else can be fully successful in our lives without having a firm spiritual foundation on Christ and his Word.

However, the Holy Spirit will lead us and guide us into all truth. Sometimes, the Holy Spirit will send someone across our path to awaken us from our slumber of the familiar. He will cause us to take responsibility in areas where we need to grow. He will also correct all wrong perspectives with truth so we can move forward in freedom building healthy relationships with others.

The more we walk in this freedom—the more others will be attracted to our light and our network of people will grow. This increases our chances of meeting someone awesome. We can get referrals or exposure to others on social media by growing our network with other people period. This means allowing ourselves to develop outside of our fears.

It also means being intentional about not only potential romantic relationships, but healthy relationships in general with friends, family, co-workers, siblings, parents, and yes potential men who show interest.

Upon getting over our fears through faith, wisdom, and confronting our fears we grow. It’s this social growth that comes from the inner development of simply being that is often stifled and stifles our ability to meet someone that can lead to something serious and beautiful. Pride is something that many single women depend on to protect them from dealing with the fear they feel.

The answer that will break the wrong thinking patterns that can keep us stuck in singleness:

First, we will need to develop our relationship with God for ourselves. This will help us to avoid being manipulated into the unhealthy thinking patterns of others. The Spirit of Christ will lead us and guide us into all truth. It is the truth that will make us experience freedom in our lives.

Second, we have to take responsibility for seeking out the wisdom that is in alignment with God’s word. We will have to be humble enough to realize we don’t have it altogether. We will need to get support from others walking in balance. Balance means the lack of imbalance. Only focusing on the negative experiences of others is an imbalance. It sets women up for an expectation of dread and negativity.

Thus, women began to attract that in their lives and aren’t open to meeting appropriate men out of fear that all men are the same.

The Bible doesn’t warn women to avoid men or to be afraid of men. It does warn us to practice discernment. This is a skill of having the appropriate judgment to discern who would be wise to allow close to you or not.

If you do not have examples of the types of men who should get close to you in your life; you will not know who you should allow close to you or not. Pray to the Lord, who is your helper to bring godly men into your life, who can be an example of what you’ll need to look for. These many can help with clarity in discernment when you aren’t sure about continuing with a particular gentleman you are dating.

Often these men may already be married or you aren’t attracted to them—but you have a platonic friendship with these men. They act as a covering to help you to see things from both a male and female perspective. Focus on building a healthy community first before launching out into dating so you will have the help you need in addition to the Holy Spirit and Word of God. This greatly reduces the risk of you making a very costly mistake.

With your inner development and new openness—you’ll be in a position to date in a healthy manner and sooner whether than later get into a healthy marriage. We don’t just want to be married, but we want healthy marriages that honor Christ and they are possible when both men and women are willing to put off the barriers keeping them stuck and do the work necessary to move forward.

I will be offering a coaching program this May relating to single Christian women who desire marriage to walk in confidence and wholeness while being open to meeting people who can lead to a healthy relationship and marriage in a natural progression. Join my newsletter for more info on when the group coaching will be available: Click here. The Top 3 Dating Fears Course is available free with the email list sign-up. Information for the class will be in the email upon sign-up or visit link using code free at checkout. No credit card is needed for the free course when using code: “FREE.”

“All The Single Ladies” Have to Take Personal Responsibility

All The Single Ladies is a new Own Network television show. It showcases women of color sharing their dating and relationship stories in documentary-style interviews. I got a chance to catch the first episode and half of the second episode this past Sunday.

Several lessons stuck out to me as the women told their stories. The first one was taking personal responsibility for one’s actions. It’s easy to look at the stories as one-sided when you see what the women went through but even based on the women’s accounts the men weren’t the only ones responsible for the experiences leading to the breakups.

I believe the show tried to be responsible in making clear that the point of the show was not to demonize the man and only share one side. The initial interviews in the first episode start out sharing about the women’s family upbringing. They share how their parents were and how it shaped their views on relationships moving forward in life.

Our Needs Can Lead Us to Ignore Red Flags:

One of the girls shared how her father was not the affectionate type and her mother wasn’t nurturing. Sometimes, what we miss in our homes we seek to get within our relationships without doing the work to make sure the foundation is solid enough to hold that desire that we are seeking. A healthy foundation includes things like stability in all the following areas: mental, physical, financial, emotional, and spiritual. Also, shared values, a complimentary vision, self-discipline, healthy boundaries, mutual respect, and humility.

There is absolutely nothing wrong with seeking a desire within the right context. When we take the responsibility to seek our desires within the right context—it generally lasts longer. Plunging in headfirst without the proper foundation can often lead to us ignoring the red flags.

Red flags don’t just show up in potential partners, but sometimes they show up within us—showing us that we aren’t ready to pursue what we think we want just yet. One common mistake several of the single ladies made was failing to take accountability for choosing men who did not practice self-control when it comes to sex outside of marriage.

Our Lack of Boundaries w/Sex Attracts Men Who Don’t Have Boundaries Themselves

This is because the ladies; themselves, weren’t practicing self-control in waiting for marriage to have sex. The woman who missed out on the nurturing affection coming up could have easily mistaken the closeness of sex for affection.

The rush of the thought of being close to someone could have caused her to miss huge red flags. We have to be careful how we get our voids filled. The dating field isn’t the best place to seek to get our voids filled. It’s best to come to the dating table as full as possible so we aren’t choosing scraps because we’re hungry, but we’re choosing fine dining because we’ve developed an acquired taste based on the healthy character we’ve developed through practice.

Many ignore the importance of temperance and self-control when it comes to sex outside of marriage thinking that marriage or a relationship will fix the lack of self-control. This is not so. Marriage will magnify the lack of self-control in that area. One of the women said it herself, “Marriage doesn’t flip on a switch that says I will now be faithful.” This was a lesson she learned. If a man is unfaithful before marriage; he will be unfaithful after marriage.

Develop the Fruit of the Spirit in Your Single Season & Seek it in Men You Date

I’m reading an awesome book called, “Watch the Red-flags: Discerning Relational Signs in Dating.” This book discusses something important to look for when dating or evaluating a potential partner. He says we should look for someone who already demonstrates the fruit of the Spirit in their lives. Of course, for someone who demonstrates the fruit of the Spirit to be interested in us; we must embody the fruits of the Spirit as well.

This should not be done as a ploy to get a man. The fruit of the Spirit as believers should become our character. If you see fruit opposite of that within yourself; stop dating and ask God to help you to develop the fruit of the Spirit within yourself.

Single Ladies, Don’t Pursue a Man and Respect When a Man Isn’t Interested in You

In another story, a woman shared how her mother was very strong, take charge, and was independent. On the other hand, her dad raised her in the same manner that many men raise boys. He encouraged her not to cry and to chuck up hurt just taking it without expressing her emotions. She carried some of these characteristics into her adulthood–even to the point of pursuing a man she worked with. The man told her he was not interested in her. She continued her pursuit anyway.

The man eventually gave in. The two got a place together going all in. He would never post about her online or share about her with others. He discouraged her from posting as well. One day she finally posted him and the gentleman’s mother called her sharing that she was ruining her son’s marriage. Yes, the gentleman was married. The young lady had been informed they were separated.

This is an important boundary that should not be crossed. Separated is still married. This means the married persons have a responsibility to one another. No one else should come between that. That was the 2nd red-flag this young lady made by allowing herself to be in a relationship with a married man.

The first was to pursue him. Women should not pursue men because men are the natural leaders. It’s their responsibility to pursue. It’s our responsibility as women to position ourselves to be pursued by doing what God calls us to do. When a man shares, he isn’t interested; women should always take him at face value and leave him alone. There is a reason for that. Some men can be worn down and will take advantage of a woman who pursues them for sex while he continues to pursue the woman he really wants.

Ladies, we deserve more. To get more, we have to require more for ourselves by taking personal responsibility to get more. I pray that many women learn from the mistakes of these brave ladies who so vulnerably share their stories.

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Can you recognize when you are being asked to relinquish your femineity? We live in a world where roles are confused within relationships. Back in the day, men could be trusted to lead, protect, and provide. Women were expected to help with the things that men could not do such as taking care of the home—cooking the meals, cleaning the house, doing the laundry, and doing other errands. The goal was for the couple to help one another to provide a stable home filled with peace and security.

Of course, peace and security were not always the result, but the willingness to work together not leaving everything to one partner is a pattern that helped marriages to last. Many relationships are so selfish; they cannot help but result in a one-sided relationship where one party takes on all of the responsibility for the home and the relationship. If the responsible party is a woman doing both the role of the man and the woman; she will grow to resent the man. Why? Because she has relinquished her femineity.

In relinquishing her femineity, she relinquishes the right to feel protected and becomes a protector. She relinquishes her right to feel secure and becomes security for the man. She gives up her right to receive as a woman and only gives until she is depleted and cold. This is not God’s will for women in a relationship. Both parties need to be committed to the goal of doing what is necessary to make the relationship work however that looks for each couple.

A Biblical example of a woman stepping out of her role as a woman to act like a man is found in 1 Kings. Jezebel went against her natural and God-given desire to be protected, secure, and loved fully by a man. Instead, she objectified herself by gaining a position solely off of her beauty. This beauty landed her the role of a queen to King Ahab.

Ahab was a passive man, who was double-minded in his thinking. He was disobedient to the Lord and felled to carry out the things he was to do. As a King, instead of seeing how he could legally gain a field he wanted—he whimpered and complained to his wife. She then took things into her own hands using his authority as king to gain the field he wanted.

Women are typically socialized to be passive, but Ahab was passive. I don’t agree that passivity is healthy for men or women, but socially women are normally in a position of submission to a man because his manly integrity demands it. Ahab did not have that in him. He was not leading Jezebel. He was being led by Jezebel and she was leading in the wrong direction.
He did not stand up to lead spiritually following the Lord—although he was an Israelite. His passivity and lust caused him to seek out a woman who believed contrary to him. He ended up handing his kingdom over to this woman. She used the authority of the kingdom to pursue God’s prophets threatening to kill them.

A man who doesn’t care about what direction his life heads as long as he gets the booty is not in a position to walk like a King. He is also not in a position to lead a household in a healthy direction. That responsibility will simply fall on the woman and she will resent him for this if she marries him.

Don’t get me wrong. Some manipulative women willfully seek men out who operate out of a spirit of Ahab—relinquishing their responsibility as a man. Men will need to watch out for women who place their value and worth only in their ability to manipulate things by their looks.
A man should lead in three areas—spiritually, provision, and protection. If a man isn’t doing this for himself, with his family—sisters, brothers, parents, and friends; why would he do this with his wife and his household? Learn to look for fruit that the man you decide to commit to is willing to take on his responsibility.

Finally, this article is not to limit a man to a particular role all of the time or women. There are times in a marriage when a partner is stronger or weaker in an area and the other has to hold up the family and the spouse. For example, in sickness, this is the case. There are other examples of couples helping each other out to support a dream or a marriage business. These things are absolutely fine.

The issue is laziness, lack of responsibility, and a lack of fire to seek out the development necessary to become a man doing what a man is expected to do. No woman wants to feel as though she is in a relationship alone. If a man isn’t ready to take on the responsibility of manhood for himself and his future family; let him be.

Prayerfully, he will get it right at some point but do not lower yourself by doing for him what he isn’t willing to do for himself as a single man. Pay attention to see if he is following God well as a single man. Is he protecting the women in his life—his sisters, mother, friends? Does he respect women in general? Is he responsible in running his household—keeping up his bills, saving, and making wise decisions? If not, and he refuses to take the necessary steps of growth and responsibility, you may find yourself doing both his role in a relationship and yours too. You will only resent him becoming bitter and cold.

As a woman, you have a right to be feminine, feel protected, valued, and loved by the man you choose. You have a right to know the man you choose is really in it with you for the long haul. As a single woman, you have a choice to treat yourself with the love, protection, value, and worth you desire from a man. Remain under the covering of the Lord and those he’s provided in your life to remind you of your value and keep it moving when you cross paths with a man who simply isn’t ready yet in the ways we’ve mentioned in this article.

There are some things that should be in place before Christian dating. It’s interesting how many want to just jump into a relationship without wisdom or support. Dating is no joke. Yes, it’s just a set time to meet someone getting to know them. However, dating can easily become serious as it can involve the heart. The Bible cautions us to guard our hearts because out of it flows the issues of life. This means every other area of our lives can be affected simply by what we allow into our hearts.

Just like we guard our hearts against false doctrine and lust. We must also guard our hearts against relationships that should not go further than a first date or phone conversation. We don’t want to lead ourselves astray because of our desires. This is why I’ve listed a few things that must be in place before a process of dating is implemented.

Trust in God Must Be in Place in Christian Dating

It’s great to have a holy desire for marriage. This means a desire to honor God in an equally yoked relationship that leads to marriage. However, these types of relationships aren’t being given out overnight. Those who desire to walk out the process of honoring God in relationships are rare. It takes sacrifice to honor God in singleness as well as in a Christian dating relationship. It is uncomfortable at times to honor God as a single person. Thus, many have chosen the route of self-gratification.

Some people simply have become discouraged not believing there is anyone out there who also desires to honor God. So, they’ve joined the party of self-gratification. Self-gratification is immediate and fleeting at the same time. The long path of self-denial through obeying God in the present will build our trust in God.

As we allow an intimate relationship with the Lord to be developed within us as singles, we’ll start to see that it is possible to do things God’s way because God helps us to honor him. The resolve that we’ve gotten through growing in our trust in God prepares us for the process of Christian dating.

Then, we won’t choose what’s in front of our face just because it’s there. We will choose what is best for us instead. Our faith and trust in God will have become built to know that the same God who delivered us from ourselves and our weak flesh will be the same God who will bring us a godly spouse at his appointed time.

Wholeness

Wholeness is having the right perspective on how we see ourselves and how we see God. I share about this in-depth in my book, “The Wholeness Action Plan.” When we are walking in wholeness or alignment with what God says, we no longer question if God is good. We know God is good and his plans toward us are good. Therefore, we walk in expectation of God’s promises in our lives with confidence. We no longer see ourselves as unworthy or not enough. We’ve learned to draw our worth and value from what will never pass away and that is God’s word. We are God’s masterpiece intentionally created to give God glory. We take joy in the life God has blessed us with.

Wholeness is not perfection. It’s being honest with ourselves and taking personal responsibility for ourselves as well. When we take responsibility we can be honest about our faults and correct them growing in our perspectives. This will cause healthy decision making in future dating.

Healthy Community is Important in Christian Dating

If you follow me on social media; you’ve heard me, say to make relationship choices out of your full life and not loneliness. We all need others. When we are enjoying genuine relationships with a healthy community that doesn’t judge us, but instead allows us to be ourselves—it helps us to stand firm in our identity.

It also helps us to keep our boundaries in place as we get to know others. A healthy community also helps with our discernment while Christian dating ensuring we aren’t settling for less or conforming to something we aren’t to be in a romantic relationship.

When we make dating relationship choices out of our fullness we aren’t desperate for whatever comes our way. We should already have healthy and full lives that we enjoy. This includes hobbies, friends, work, family, and passions we are living out. We can more easily pass up the wrong ones while being patient for the right ones that compliment who we are.

Self-Awareness

We should be familiar with who we are in Christ. Out of that, we should be walking in our God-given purpose. Walking out our God-given purpose is an exciting journey that causes us to grow. As we are growing, we will further learn ourselves.

This process allows us to choose someone who will be good for us now and who we are becoming. Too many people choose someone off of what’s temporary. They feel lonely. They no longer feel lonely with a person as a place-holder for loneliness. Choosing someone based on our temporal needs isn’t enough to sustain a long-lasting healthy relationship. We should choose someone who would complement who we are as a total person not just one part of us. Dr. Henry Cloud author of “Boundaries in Dating” goes into detail about this.

Also, do you have any beliefs, hurts, unforgiveness, or fears that could be sabotaging your chance at a healthy relationship? God will reveal things to us that need to be healed. Sometimes, he will use a friend to point things out as well. Our response should always be humility when things are pointed out within us. God’s grace and healing come when we are humble. Invite others in to help you to work through any issues presented so you can fully enjoy this life God’s given you to have.

Patience

There are a lot of people in this world with a lot of different viewpoints. It may take some time to find someone on the same page. Don’t give up and become pessimistic in your spirit if you experience many wrong ones before the right one. This is life. It doesn’t mean there is something wrong with you or that no one is out there who is appropriate. You have to remain patient trusting in God and continue to be open to meet the right one. The right one is out there. Take breaks when you feel you need it from meeting new people or dating. You will need to continue to focus on what causes hope on the inside of you to avoid becoming pessimistic and giving up. I follow social media accounts that are positive and have testimonies of God-honoring relationships. I also fast and pray as led to quiet myself to hear God’s voice. All of these things help with patience.

Firmness in your values and boundaries

You should not desire marriage so much that you are willing to shift your boundaries and values. Your values are your firm beliefs stemming from your convictions and the Word of God. Your boundaries protect your values. Without this being in place, you will not have the discernment needed to choose who is good for you. Those who honor and respect your boundaries show you that they honor and respect you. It’s even better when the suitor you are dating has his own boundaries in place to honor God himself. Don’t fall for someone who temporarily respects your boundaries but seeks to lead you into sin because they do not have their own boundaries. Your values should match the person you decide to continue to date. If they do not this is a huge red flag the person isn’t for you. Finally, everyone you share values and boundaries with may not be good for you either. Learn to follow the peace of God when meeting people. God gives much discernment in dating.

Single Christian’s Sexual Fears

Some Christian’s sexual fears are no doubt challenging. These fears and anxieties have to be carefully navigated if one wants to be successful during the stage of singleness on to a healthy marriage. Below are some of the more recent fears I’ve been hearing about from guys and girls on Clubhouse about being single.

Some men feel marrying a girl who is too spiritual will cause him to be short-changed in the bed-room

This adds to some of the fear and anxiety when it comes to approaching a woman of God because ultimately some men fear being stuck in a sexless marriage. I don’t like the term too spiritual. I’d prefer to label someone as either balanced or imbalanced. Being imbalanced is where a person chooses to develop their spiritual disciples and character, but completely ignore any other areas in need of development. The Bible shares with us that natural exercise is useful, but spiritual exercise is more useful.

Thus, we have to be careful how we portray a view of being too spiritual. It’s not being spiritual that is a problem but neglecting the exercise of development in other areas. We all should be balanced. We have to be able to operate in this world well. That is the purpose that God left us in the world so we have to be intentional about developing in a wide array of areas.

A man can simply have a conversation with a woman. This can be done without leading her to believe he is making her his girlfriend. This will help a man to know where the girl’s head is before he commits to anything with her. He can also peep her social media accounts if they are public. There is no need to label all single Christian women as too spiritual or imbalanced. But a man of God looking to pursue a wife must remain in faith that God has the right girl out there for him and he will lead him to that girl.

In the meantime, Christian men should work on being disciplined sexually and crucifying the sinful nature of the flesh.

This will help him to focus on getting to know a girl for who she is—making her feel safe. When a woman sees that a man makes her feel safe, she becomes more comfortable opening up to that man sexually at the right time within a godly covenant of marriage.

Approaching the idea of sex simply from a selfish aspect and not a sacrificial aspect creates its own barrier to intimacy and sexual fulfillment. It’s similar to Christ and the church. The woman is a metaphor for the church in scripture and she fully surrenders to God making herself a living sacrifice acceptable and fulfilling to God as a natural response to God’s sacrifice made for her. See the below scripture:

And so, dear brothers and sisters, I plead with you to give your bodies to God because of all he has done for you. Let them be a living and holy sacrifice—the kind he will find acceptable. This is truly the way to worship him.

– Romans 12:1

Worship in the Bible is also a metaphor for sexual intimacy. The idea is the man has made the sacrifice like Christ to make the woman feel so safe and so loved that she is willing to fully surrender herself to that man, body, and all. That’s a free nugget for a great sex life brothas. Thank me later 😊.

Also, great sex in a marriage has to be built on more than natural things like sexual attraction and a desire for sex. A lack of sex in a marriage is normally a sign of a deeper issue that needs to be addressed. So, a level of depth and maturity will be required to avoid a sexless marriage.

Also, a level of vulnerability and respect when things are shared will need to be prioritized in a marriage to avoid a sexless marriage.

For bodily exercise profiteth little: but godliness is profitable unto all things, having promise of the life that now is, and of that which is to come. – 1 Tim 4:8

1 Timothy 4:8

Some Christian’s Sexual fears include not ever having a safe space to express themselves fully sexually

I’m familiar with this being a concern of women rather than men. There are men out there who label women who have committed to abstinence or who are virgins as asexual. They also assume that for a woman to remain chaste as a single she must have a gift where sexual desire isn’t there. Many women also notice how some Christian men will more readily gravitate toward choosing a girl who may be less chaste. Because of this, there is a fear that if they remain chaste it means they will be alone.

Not to mention the Instagram models who show everything. Many men of God have the idea of the Instagram model in their minds; thus many women who have practiced chastity and purity are discouraged from doing so out of fear of being alone and never being given a chance to express the love that she feels inside toward another.

Girls in this situation need to remember that their trust isn’t in man and how men perceive them, but their trust should be fully in God to provide a safe, loving, and caring relationship. We should also remember to be thankful because God is protecting us from the men who would use us and discard us if we did give into sex before the proper time.

We have to remember if God has promised us a godly spouse; it doesn’t matter what man thinks and how we are perceived as a man will not be the one to bring God’s promise to pass, but God will. Keep your eyes on Jesus and surround yourself with men of God who will encourage you to continue on your journey of dedication to God in both body and spirit. These brothers will be a reminder that you do not have to change who you are negatively or lower your morals to find a godly man.

Some single men have shared their fear of having to marry someone they aren’t physically attracted to:

I just want to say that the men are not alone. Women want to be physically and sexually attracted to their spouses as well. This is a choice that both of us have. Often women are expected to look past the physical and sexual attraction, but this isn’t wise. We have to be honest with ourselves and choose someone who meets our needs as well as honors God and has great character. We may need to be open however to someone we normally would ignore as our person may come packaged differently than expected. Men have the temptation of looking at Instagram models who do not look like their best photo all of the time.

Women are very clever and we have ways of dressing ourselves up for the gram, but in real life, we may look different. If you’re a guy with an unrealistic picture of a woman in your mind that most women do not look like; it may take you longer to find your spouse.

Be open to all strokes of beauty’s paintbrush. You may find a beautiful woman that you want and need if you broaden your spectrum outside of the woman you would normally talk with. Women who desire only 6 ft. men and up may have to also do the same thing. Minute features of a potential spouse like height, hair length, dress, and in some cases, weight can be adjusted. If a person was beautiful to you and had a minute feature that needed adjusting; would you be willing to work with them or be patient with them on that feature?

If you’ve read the Bible or been in church for any length of time and have heard a sermon on pre-marital sex; you are familiar with the scripture in 1 Corinthians 7 that says it is better to marry than to burn. This scripture has been used in Christian circles and even in dating relationships to justify a hurried sprint to the altar for legal sex in God’s eyes.

I believe the misinterpretation of this scripture not only contributes to people rushing to the altar for legal sex, but an increased divorce rate among Christians and an increased sneering of religious saints who lacked self-control while single judging others who decide to remain single as if being single is equivalent with sexual sin.

It feeds into a lie that says if we aren’t married, we cannot have self-control, but within a marriage, self-control is a rite as the legal sex within marriage solves the issue of self-control when it comes to sexual temptation. However, honest married people will tell you that temptation doesn’t stop after marriage.

Some married people share that temptation can be greater as a married person and understandably so. A married person who exercises their right to partake in the undefiled waters of sexual love will have greater sensitivity in their sexual passions than someone who has not practiced having sex for some time.

There can be a temptation to try something new with someone outside of the marriage covenant, to commit adultery when one marriage partner feels their needs aren’t being met and someone else is willing to meet them. There is still a need for self-control while married.

Just getting married was never the target of God nor apostle Paul for his people when he wrote that it’s better to marry than to burn. God’s character in the way that he does things for us is to give us his very best. A part of God’s very best is when providing a spouse, doing so with us exercising our right as singles to practice the discernment necessary to ensure we are marrying someone complimentary or suitable to us.

To marry someone complimentary to us; there has to be a level of self-control in getting to know our future spouse. This is something the Corinthian church struggled with. Corinth was a hub for sexual worship. There was the temple of Aphrodite, the goddess of love and sex, and other temples where the primary function was sexual acts that were practiced as a form of worship. It was expected for visitors to visit the temples for sexual play as a sort of tourist attraction.

With all of the freedom to express one’s-self freely outside of the covenant of marriage, there was great temptation―so much so that the Corinthian church began to write to Apostle Paul asking him questions about what they could do and what they could not do. This is why 1 Corinthians 7 starts by saying the below:

Now concerning the matters you wrote unto me, it is good for a man not to touch a woman; nevertheless, to avoid sexual immorality, let every man have his own wife and every woman her own husband.

– 1 Corinthians 7 :1

Next, are a short series of instructions about not withholding sex from one another within marriage for too long even while fasting so Satan does not get a chance to tempt the couple due to their incontinency. Incontinency is another word for lack of self-control. This is something older people experience when they are unable to control when they go to the bathroom. The same meaning is used for someone unable to control their sexual desires.

Finally, verses 7-9 share that Paul recommends that we would all be single as he is, but if we cannot contain; it is better to marry than to burn. This was shared by Paul as a concession. It was not a command from God, but rather Paul giving in to the demands and proposals of those who had previously written him.

However, many in the church have taken this scripture to mean that believers are commanded to marry due to lack of self-control when God has more for us within a marriage partnership than sexual release. Don’t get me wrong sexual release is good within marriage, but sexual release within marriage isn’t enough to hold a marriage together.

The research shows that as Christian married couples age the likelihood of divorce increases. What if there was not enough time taken at the beginning of dating and courtship to focus on really getting to know the person to see if they were suitable? What if the greater emphasis was placed on the physical alone and getting to the marriage bed only?

We could have lots of couples married and having legal sex with nothing in common to sustain the relationship, but the children that are produced. Once the children are grown and moved out what will the couple have in common?

What if God’s preferred will for us is for us to remain single like Apostle Paul while learning how to maintain self-control in our bodies as single believers until we meet someone suitable for us? What if more problems will be caused in the flesh through our lack of self-discipline as singles that will show up later in our marriage?

What if Paul’s message of sharing that it is far better to be single produced in believers a greater self-discipline, patience, and virtues that allow us to better reflect the image of Christ? After all, single believers do not have the same distractions as married people. We can focus solely on pleasing the Lord.

As we grow in the Lord—Christ’s fruit is produced within us. We learn to operate out of temperance and following the Spirit rather than a lack of self-control. This allows the patience we need to choose more wisely when it comes to a spouse. This way when marrying we do not rush to the altar simply out of a lack of self-control, but out of maturity and finding a partner well suitable for us to walk out the rest of our years.

I really do believe God has his best for us, but in God’s goodness, he allows concessions due to the weakness of our flesh. Jesus did something similar with divorce. Divorce was allowed due to the hardness of men’s hearts, but it was never God’s will.

The reality is marriage is serious and should not be entered into lightly. If a lack of sexual control is the only reason we decide to marry; I do not believe it will have the greatest chance at lasting. Our sexual passions can blind us during the process of choosing a mate and we can choose someone very poor for us. Choosing wisely is one of the determining factors of married couples staying together.

I believe Apostle Paul knew this and sought to warn the Corinthian church of this, but nevertheless, God’s grace is sufficient for us.

Have you ever heard someone speaking so confidently about something they’ve never experienced as if what they are sharing is the ultimate authority on the matter? Yet, what they are sharing doesn’t add up. I have regarding various conversations about Christian singles. These convos are often from people in relationships, married, men speaking on women and vice versa. It’s about time some light is bought to some of these myths by those who walk in the actual experience of being a Christian single woman or man.

Christian Single Women are Constantly Being Pursued by Christian Men

This is such a dumb myth that I’ve found many Christian men believe. They feel like Christian women are under constant pursuit by godly men and Christian women are just passing each one up. Many Christian men cannot understand how such beautiful Christian women can remain single for an extended period. This is where women are accused of being too picky, having too high standards, looking for perfection, and being prideful.

Pressure is then applied toward these single women forcing them to go out and date and try to make a relationship work with a man as long as he is a Christian. This strange myth does not take into account that you can be unequally yoked to a believer. It isn’t just unwise to be unequally yoked with an unbeliever, but it’s not wise to be unequally yoked to someone who believes in Christ but lacks the faith and maturity in Christ to sustain a healthy marriage. Even the Bible says to turn away from those with a form of godliness but deny the power thereof (2 Tim 3:5.)

via GIPHY

Yes, there are believing men out here who may attempt to pursue a Christian woman and his faith has stopped at believing in Christ as fire insurance for hell. However, there is no intimacy with God, trust in God nor submission to the leading of the Spirit of God. Any mature Christian woman will not subject herself to that as a wife because she will have to submit to that.

She will also have to be responsible for making up the slack where the man is lacking. Many mature single Christian women refuse to play the role of a male and a female at the same time. We want to walk in our femininity. Thus, a mature Christian woman should pass up on a relationship with an unready man Christian or not.

Not passing up these types of scenarios often lead to Jezebel and Ahab type of relationships where the roles are reversed and the woman becomes like the man and the man like the woman in the relationship. This is not God’s best for his people. This in no way requires the couple to be on the same level of maturity. There is no requirement in the Bible for that. However, it’s just wisdom to at a minimum have someone with the humility, willingness, and hunger for God enough to grow. This should be demonstrated through some sort of consistent actions. We should be discerning enough to determine if someone is seriously pursuing growth in Christ or not.

Finally, Christian single women are not approached by Christian men very often. This just isn’t realistic. If she is dating with the purpose of marriage; why should she just continue to date men who she knows are not walking in the same direction as she? Instead of continuing to date a non-believer; many single Christian women continue to wait to be approached by a godly man. This is the reality. No imaginary godly men are chasing us down regularly. If that were the case; many of us who desire marriage would already be married. There would be plenty of men to choose from. However, just like it is difficult to find a virtuous woman; it’s also difficult to find a faithful man.

Christian Singles Have More Time on Their Hands

It depends on what type of single person is being spoken of. If we’re speaking of a teenager, living at home with limited responsibilities perhaps. However, this isn’t the gamut of all Christian singles. There are many older Christian singles in the elder age range within the Millennial generation, some Gen X and others who have the responsibility of working a 9-5, running a household, taking care of elder parent(s), running a business or two, and taking care of themselves. The difference between a married household and a single household is that there are two people devoted to the goals of the household whereas with singles there is only one person responsible for many of the same things that married people are responsible for. Thus, if one person is taking on similar responsibility to a married household especially if they have children or elders to look after; they may not have the extra time on their hands for everyone else’s goal being dropped into their hands.

via GIPHY

This is why I encourage singles to live a balanced life. There will be seasons where we may be able to give more if our responsibilities are reduced, but there will also be seasons where we will have to say no to giving more so we can take care of our responsibilities and still find time to rest and rejuvenate ourselves to complete our responsibilities on an ongoing basis.

Please, don’t believe the lie that just because a person is single s/he has the time for projects and volunteer opportunities that do not belong to them. Please, consider asking a single person how they are doing? How is their schedule? Are they taking the necessary steps for proper self-care? Because singles may deal with loneliness more and desire close connection; singles may be more prone to overcommitting to things and activities at church and elsewhere just to have that connection. Please, be cautious of this single, and if you aren’t single and you notice this about a single; sit that single down letting him/her know that it’s okay to take care of him/herself.

Singles Experiencing Extended Singleness are Doing So Because They’ve Done Something Wrong

We are living in a cultural norm where there are 59% of Millennials single having never been married. As Millennials because of our ease in not committing to marriage so soon; we’ve been given accolades for decreasing the divorce rate not because we have been married for years, but because many of us are waiting to get married later in life.

There has been research for years showing that getting married later in life decreases the likelihood of divorce for obvious reasons such as greater maturity, greater financial stability, and greater personal development all contributing to the likelihood of staying together and selecting someone who compliments who we’ve become easier than in our teens or early twenties.

Only recently, a new study shows that getting married after the early 30s may increase the likelihood of divorce, but even the percentage of the increased likelihood of divorce is still lower than the teenage or twenty-something years. Thus, there is a benefit to marrying later. See the study by Institute for Family Studies.

Notice the factors that led to a greater likelihood of staying together had nothing to do with fear, pressure to marry soon, marriage because someone is pregnant, or marriage only because we’re getting older and the clock is ticking. That shows that when we make decisions for marriage out of stability; we have a greater chance at sticking it out together with our spouse. Thus, we cannot adopt the myth that we are single at an older age because there is something wrong with us. Instead, we should take advantage of the extended singleness to better become acquainted with ourselves, to grow in personal development, and to pursue the dreams God has placed on our hearts. Perhaps, God gave us a gift of singleness to accomplish something we would not have been able to accomplish as married women and men. Keep your mind positive and in alignment with what God says about you as someone experiencing extended singleness.

Recount the fact that God has been good to you protecting you from many things you’ve noticed your peers go through. You may not have a spouse and children of your own, but you also do not have a baby-father or baby-mother issues, an STD or emotional soul-ties that keep you stuck in unproductive and toxic relationships distracting you from the bright future God has for you. So, instead of believing the myth that as a single person you are single because you’re doing something wrong; be thankful that by God’s grace and favor you are doing something right. Read a similar article covered earlier in the blog The Labels That Singles Wear.

Moving in Silence While Dating

Moving in silence while dating can be wisdom. This doesn’t mean blocking out your total community regarding the fact that you are dating or who you are dating. It means not giving too much too soon, not posting the new dating relationship on social media before it’s had time to mature into something substantial, and not sharing it with family members who are anxious for you to meet someone and who will continue to ask you about the dating relationship after it’s over if it doesn’t work out.

Moving in Silence While Dating is a Part of Guarding Your Heart

The Bible warns us to guard our hearts with all diligence for out of it are the issues of life. This means we do not want to so readily or easily let our new dating love into our hearts and thus we can do so by not sharing our new dating relationship with everyone. We don’t know the person we have just started to date. We need time alone with them to get to know them to see if we even want them to maintain a regular place in our lives. It takes energy to date.

We have to get dressed up, be of sober mind, ask open-ended questions and simply enjoy ourselves. It’s much easier to do that when we don’t have to explain to our entire family who the new person is and how it’s going. It’s okay to let maybe one or two people know for accountability and safety, but these people should be just as sober and not applying pressure to you to try to make things work out. A date is just that—a date. It isn’t a full-on relationship. It’s getting to know someone. We want to maintain that mindset while dating with no additional pressure.

Posting on Social Media While Dating

I know. For the ladies, I know it’s so few and far in between that we have someone to pursue us seriously, so we may be super excited to share with the world that we are finally dating. However, again we are just dating. Dating means gathering data. We are gathering data to determine if the person is a good fit for us. If he isn’t then we have to update our social media status again and possibly take pics down that remind us of the good moments.

It creates unnecessary pain when it’s time to let go of what was not for us. Not to mention, the having to explain to friends on our friend’s list why we are no longer dating our potential suitor. Let’s just move in silence while dating so we can save our social media posts for the dating relationship that turns out to be the genuine life-long and committed relationship that we are looking for.

One Day it’s Going to Happen

While dating is something that we do to get to know others and it can be disheartening when it doesn’t work out; we have to keep in mind that one day it is going to happen. One day we will meet someone who meets our standards. We will mesh well with our future lover and walk off into our happily ever after. Moving in silence while dating is something that helps us to maintain that hope. Once we’ve met the person and we are sure that this is leading toward marriage; we can then begin to share some things on social media showing the world we are no longer available on the dating market. To read about how dating should look for Christian singles click here.