Avoiding the sex Addiction Pit in Dating & Singleness

This article is heavily based on the knowledge found in “Boundaries in Dating (Chapter 17 Summary).” The chapter warning on the importance of saving sex for the commitment of marriage starts out discussing abstinence until marriage as a reflection of purity and holiness.

Holiness means to be set apart, honored, highly prized, and dignity. This is how we should see our commitment to wait. It also proves our ability to practice self-control. Something we should embody and look for in others that we wish to pursue toward dating and potentially marriage.

Sex Addiction Can be Avoided Through Understanding This

The ability to have self-control means the ability to practice delayed gratification—a healthy tool needed for a thriving marriage. A partner should be able to deny himself for the greater good of the relationship. Sacrifices will be required in marriage and demonstration of one’s commitment to wait for sex is a strong indicator of one’s ability to sacrifice as necessary.

It is God’s will that you should be sanctified: that you should avoid sexual immorality;  that each of you should learn to control your own body[a] in a way that is holy and honorable, not in passionate lust like the pagans, who do not know God; – 1 Thessalonians 4:3-5

I don’t know if you’ve ever experienced the drawing in of passionate lust from someone you were dating or as a vice from a need you needed to address. This is one of the most dangerous forms of temptation as it fragments your soul. This is to say the below:

“Passionate lust splits you from your heart, mind, values, and the life you truly desire.”

Henry describes a healthy person as one who is integrated. Meaning all “aspects of a person are connected and working together.”

He uses the example of someone who gives their body 100 percent to someone who only gives their soul partially if they aren’t willing to commit to the person they are sleeping with. He calls these people lusters, who often use sex as a cover to avoid dealing with the deeper parts of development within themselves that would make him a healthier person qualified to relate to others in a committed relationship.

“Instead of expressing love through sex, the luster replaces love with sex.”

In doing so, he neglects developing the skills needed to build a genuinely loving relationship. The woman who allows this type of behavior is harming the luster by enabling him to continue in this unhealthy pattern. It’s best to say no to this type of temptation and take God’s way of escape immediately. Many married women have married sex addicts this way finding that they have a non-relational partner.

Sex to Meet a Need Leading to Addiction and Lack of Self-Control

Perhaps, you have become a non-relational partner who is addicted to sex because you use it to fulfill a need. Sally is a client of Henry’s in the book, who became promiscuous and sexually addicted during dating to fulfill the need of being wanted.

This is something she’d felt she lacked from her childhood. After discovering the things that drew her to her sexual experiences in counseling—she realized her lack of desire to feel wanted. She began fulfilling that need in a support group with men in non-sexual ways. This allowed her to stop her promiscuity altogether. She now chooses men based on her values instead of her need to feel wanted. I would encourage you to pick up the book, “Boundaries in Dating: and read chapter 17 a few times over.” Go before the Lord in prayer and ask him to uncover what needs may be drawing you to sexual relationships outside of marriage. Ask the Lord to show you healthier ways to meet those needs and begin to pursue what God shows you.

Eventually, you will regain back your self-control like Sally. You’ll also get reacquainted with your values and implement boundaries to protect those values while entertaining others for real love instead of the temporary fix of lust that is always fleeting like a never-ending pit.

Having lost all sensitivity, they have given themselves over to sensuality to indulge in every kind of impurity, and they are full of greed. – Ephesians 4:19 (NIV)

Below are the top five needs that drive people to passionate lust:

1. The need for intimacy and connection

2. The need to feel admired and desired

3. The need for power

4. The need to be free and out from under something like parental control

5. The need to avoid working through pain and loss

6. The need to overcome shame and bad feelings about oneself.

Ask yourself do you have any of these needs and how are you meeting them in healthy ways. Self-awareness is so important in relationships in general and dating. They help us to be aware of why we are doing the things we’re doing or involving ourselves in the things we involve ourselves in resulting in better decisions. Pick up Dr. Cloud’s book, “Boundaries in Dating.”

Boundaries in Dating, a book by Dr. Henry Cloud and John Townsend. In it, they point out some very important boundaries and wisdom for dating. We’ll start by sharing his definition of a boundary as a property line. Just like property lines show where your property ends and another begins—your boundaries do the same.

He points out that your boundaries protect your emotional property by providing an intuition of when your boundaries are crossed. This is usually the case when someone tries to control you, get too close to you, or make you do something you aren’t comfortable doing.

Further, Cloud shares that boundaries define us. They point out what we are and are not love and hate, and our values. Being honest about these things he says makes the dating process easier. Examples of boundaries shared in the book are below:

• “Words: telling someone no and being honest about your disagreement”
• “The truth: bringing reality to a problem”
• “Distance: allowing time or physical space between two people to protect or as a consequence for irresponsible behavior”
• “Other people: Using supportive friends to help keep a limit”

Not owning our boundaries properly can lead to things like not being ourselves, dating the wrong person, and dating out of fear and hurt whether than values. These notes on boundaries in dating are the reason it’s so important to get to know ourselves before dating.

As Dr. Cloud says dating is for the mature. Other nuggets are shared in the book such as: Dealing with the Fear of loneliness, avoiding falling for someone you would not be friends with, and the issue with co-dependency.

Fear of Loneliness (Boundaries in Dating)

Dr. Cloud had worked with a woman who’d recently broken up with her boyfriend. Because of the excessive feeling of aloneness, the woman felt—she returned to the relationship she knew was not good for her. She had put up with bad relationships in her past showing a pattern of not being able to be alone. Below are things people put up with when dating based on loneliness:

• “Putting up with disrespectful behavior”
• “Putting up with things that do not align w/your values”
• “Settling for less than you know you desire or need”
• “Going back to a relationship you know should be over”
• “Getting into a relationship you know is going nowhere”

When dating from aloneness, the dating is done from your fear of being alone whether than your values. This is unhealthy. To overcome this, a boundary must be created where you do not allow yourself to date until you resolve the aloneness issue.

Solving aloneness should be done outside of a romantic relationship per Dr. Cloud. It should be done by these two things:

1. Strengthening your relationship with God and avoiding using a romantic relationship to get God’s-sized needs healed.
2. Strengthening your relationships with safe, loving, and caring people outside of romance. This would be friends and family.

Only after the aloneness is resolved is it safe to go back into dating.

Don’t Fall in Love with Someone You Cannot Be Friends With

A patient of Dr. Cloud’s had a good friend, Dennis, and a romantic interest, Ryan. The good friend aligned with the patient’s values, but Ryan did not. There was just a strong attraction drawing her to him that she could not justify. Essentially, it was an empty relationship based on romantic feelings alone. This could not develop into a sustainable relationship and the patient was setting herself up for disappointment by continuing to date Ryan. Dr. Cloud encouraged her to instead find a guy she was attracted to who possessed the same qualities as Dennis.

Dr. Cloud warns of the false hope that we can change someone with different values. Instead, we need to realize they would have to change on their own. See being attracted to him/her as a problem and focus yourself on the reality of the situation as much as possible. Don’t confuse feelings of longing for love or infatuation for love. Lastly, find accountability that will not allow you to get involved in such a relationship. It’s hard to be in denial when you have friends who tell you the truth.

Dependency in Dating

In dependent relationships, dependency is often confused with love. Dependency is good but can be an inhibitor for us taking responsibility to grow in areas where we are weak. For example, there is a story in the book where a woman named Lindsey depends on her boyfriend, Alex—to deal with all confrontations in her life. At one point, he’d felt used and confronted her.

Thankfully, she listened and began to work on her assertiveness in a support group. She saw this as an opportunity to grow instead of only depending on Alex. In relationships where our partner has strengths we do not—it is helpful for us to work on those areas of weakness rather than to only use their strengths.

There are several ways a dependent relationship can turn unhealthy. The stronger party could manipulate the weaker. The stronger person can resent the weaker. The weaker party could be dismissive of the stronger one’s feelings of resentment and so on.

Read more on Boundaries in Dating in the book. There are so many good nuggets to share. I’ll provide a follow-up article on the boundary of saving sex for marriage next time on the blog.

He must not be a recent convert, or he may become conceited and fall under the same judgment as the devil. – 1 Timothy 3:6

Kanye was recently recorded saying he has a problem with Jesus because he prayed about some issues he’d experienced and Jesus did not show up. Thus, he had to take the situation into his own hands. He tried to balance it out by saying that Christians depend on Jesus so much that we won’t put the work in for ourselves.

Some of what he said was okay like don’t just tell people you will pray for them when you can take action. However, the slight to praying and saying that praying isn’t working and God did not get him out of the threats he endured but himself is not okay.

It’s giving pride. Just like the scripture above warned against warning that the novice may become conceited and fall under the same judgment as the devil. We know Satan’s major sin was pride. He exalted himself and left from giving God the just glory due to his name.

Similarly, Kanye is doing the same thing not realizing that God gave him the wisdom and resilience to get through whatever he had to make it through. I am glad this conversation is coming up because Kanye is not the only one to have this issue.

Many turn their hearts against the Lord when they go through difficulty not realizing that God uses difficulty in the believer’s life to work for our good. It builds up our faith and causes us to see the power of God personally in our lives.

It isn’t wrong for Kanye to feel some type of way but he should share how he feels with the Lord and the mentorship that he should be submitting to. The Holy Spirit will teach him and guide him through whatever he is going through.

For example, Cain in the Bible had an issue. He was jealous of his brother Able. God saw that there was something evil in his heart. God decided to use the offering to draw it out so that Cain could deal with it. Therefore, God rejected Cain’s offering.

It was Biblical for God to reject Cain’s offering for having an issue with his brother that was left unaddressed. God says in the New Testament if you have a problem with your brother—don’t bring an offering to the Lord but make things right with your brother—then come back and bring your offering.

God warned Cain that something evil was in his heart but he had to rule over it. In other words, God was saying he needed to work through something and overcome it. Then, his offering would be accepted.

Instead of working through the evil in his heart with the Lord—he decided to take what he was feeling into his own hands. He did what was right in his own eyes killing his brother. Kanye did not go to that extent of course.

The point is Kanye decided to not work in communion or conjunction with the Lord as God was inviting Cain to do. Instead, he worked according to his understanding. This garnered him a result where he seems to be content to continue to leave God out and promote dependence on self instead of Christ.

This is extremely dangerous. As believers, we depend on Christ. We have to do work but the work we do is while consistently acknowledging and fearing the Lord. Fearing, meaning to respect what God says about the matter. In doing so, we consider the Lord in all of our decisions.

There is bad teaching in the church where some Christians are taught to ignore difficulty as faith. Ignoring the difficulty excuses our invitation to work together with God on whatever is ailing us. Both this idea and Kanye’s idea of self-reliance are wrong.

Christianity is not just going around saying Jesus is king or good things about God. Sometimes, as believers, we pump up an influential person who gives their life to Christ to become a minister of the gospel without having been tested to the point of developing maturity.

Kanye West lacks maturity. Nothing that he says about God or Christianity should be taken as gospel. It’s better to be humble as a novice than to be prideful resulting in others being misled.

Tupac is sometimes compared to Kanye, but Tupac was different in the way he shared his faith. Tupac shared again and again, that he doesn’t want to be a role model or minister because he doesn’t know how. He was very self-aware of the fact that he was figuring it out. 

He made a lot of mistakes and he was humble about that. Yet, he still believed. You could hear various questions he had toward God in his music but it always came from a place of reverence and respect. In fact, he was recorded sharing that despite the difficulty he’s experienced—he still believes in God and will always believe in God because God was there for him when things were well. This is the type of heart God looks for when we have issues with God, a heart of humility.

There is even a parable in the Bible about a religious person with a prideful heart and a humble man who feared the Lord. See below story:

“Two men went up to the temple to pray, one a Pharisee and the other a tax collector. The Pharisee stood by himself and prayed: ‘God, I thank you that I am not like other people—robbers, evildoers, adulterers—or even like this tax collector. I fast twice a week and give a tenth of all I get.’

 “But the tax collector stood at a distance. He would not even look up to heaven, but beat his breast and said, ‘God, have mercy on me, a sinner.’

 “I tell you that this man, rather than the other, went home justified before God. For all those who exalt themselves will be humbled, and those who humble themselves will be exalted.” – Luke 10:18

One of the men relied on himself, the Pharisee.  The other relied on the goodness of God, the tax collector. The tax collector is the one that was seen as justified by God. Sidenote: This parable isn’t an excuse to continue in sin. What God will do is empower us to obey him and become free from sin. When he does—he doesn’t want us to steal his glory. This can apply to whatever we are dealing with in life such as Kanye’s situation.

God doesn’t expect us to understand everything, but he wants us to come to him in humility and respect. God is so good that he will reveal himself to us through our trials of life. He will walk with us and send others to do the same.

Recently, I was walking either in or out of my church when I felt the grief in my heart of not having a family of my own. I also felt a sense of gratefulness knowing that my momentary suffering has a far greater purpose. Of which purpose is to be a light to other single women.

Like Christ, who also suffered for a greater purpose. So, all men who believe in him would be saved. Shifting my mind to the greater purpose reminds me that it’s an honor to suffer for the kingdom of God and righteousness. I get to suffer for Christ. I get to identify with Christ my Lord and see him more.

So, yes—the grief was in my heart, but joy was there as well. This joy is fueled by faith in Christ and surrender to what he’s allowed in my life. Previous seasons of grief had been extremely heavy. It was difficult to see any good coming out of my experiences. However, after rain forms a rainbow. That’s a promise of joy and something different. I believe the brighter side of grief brings us into a more joyful place.

The Word teaches us to put on the garment of praise for the spirit of heaviness. Heaviness denotes carrying something heavy or overwhelming. Sometimes, while in that place we don’t know how we can put on the garment of praise but God talks about his anointing coming to give us the garment of praise for the spirit of heaviness. Therefore, his anointing will eventually help us with that. We only have to remain in faith.

Faith is believing God is still good when everything in our lives doesn’t look good. We maintain trust in the character of God despite. Even though—this is a battle that lingers for some time—we win by abiding in faith. Maintaining an attitude of praise helps us to endure the heaviness until it is lifted and we begin to experience joy again.

Even with the loss of close loved ones—I’ve found myself sitting in prayer and just going back in my mind to a thought of a loved one’s smile or something beautiful they would say. Or maybe, their disposition of calm and care. In the moment, it was just us living. Now, that they are gone—it becomes priceless. Tears of joy fall down my face during this process and gratefulness is produced within me for their lives. Not only for their lives but also for hope to see them again.

All of this is fueled by faith—the substance of what we hope for and evidence for what we do not see as scripture defines faith. When we are in the thick of grief—we can’t see any good. It feels like a heavy weight but it will get better. Some tips I’ve experienced to get me to better are below.

Wait for the Voice of the Lord

Scripture teaches us that we do not live by bread (natural things) alone. Instead, we live by every word that proceeds out of God’s mouth. A lot of times when I am in the thick of not only grief but difficulty—God speaks to me in my sleep. He’ll often speak to me in my spirit and back it up with something in his Word. I hold on to God’s word for dear life literally. It’s how I stay in hope. I rehearse it in my mind when I get weak. This stirs the little bit of faith I feel I have left. All we need is a little faith. God says with a small amount of faith we can move a mountain. There is truly nothing too hard for God.

Dive Deep in the Word

Don’t just take for granted that you heard God in your spirit or your dreams but ensure that you are firmly rooted in studying the Word of God daily. We are cleansed from any error, sin, wrong-thinking, and anything we need through the Word of God. Also, faith comes from hearing the Word of God. Faith gets you through the day when you want to give up.

Remain in Faith

Without faith, it’s impossible to please God. This is what God is looking for when we are in our hardship. Just a simple decision not to give up because we believe God’s word is true. We have many examples in scripture of God’s people enduring hardship by faith as they waited for God’s word to come to pass. Psalms 105 shares how God allowed his people Israel to sojourn as strangers in many nations before leading them into their nation.

While they were strangers in various nations—God commanded his protection over them to keep them from harm. I’m sure they probably wondered why God just didn’t put them in their land for good, but God was getting the glory out of them abiding in various nations. It’s also a picture of the gospel of Jesus Christ being spread to every nation as God chose Israel to be a symbol of his covenant with mankind. Those in other nations came to know God through fellowshipping with Israel. That alone was worth the process that Israel had to go through. Similarly, others coming to know Christ is worth the difficulty that we experience.

Finally, we will need to keep our Eyes on Jesus

And let us run with perseverance the race marked out for us, fixing our eyes on Jesus, the pioneer and perfecter of faith. For the joy set before him, he endured the cross, scorning its shame, and sat down at the right hand of the throne of God. Consider him who endured such opposition from sinners, so that you will not grow weary and lose heart. – Hebrews 12:1-3

There is something comforting about looking at Jesus. A lot of what we’ve experienced—he has as well. He lost loved ones. His cousin John the Baptiste was murdered. He had family problems. His brothers invited him to go somewhere dangerous where his life would have been at risk before the proper time. Jesus refused to go with them and scripture says they did not believe in Jesus. Thus, Jesus lacked some family support.

Jesus was talked about, mocked, beaten, and spat on. All of this was on top of his family troubles and grief due to loss. But Jesus chose to go through the hard parts because of the joy he foresaw as a result of his endurance.

Like Christ, there will be a positive brighter side to our grief, hardship, and difficulty. What is God showing you about your future? What is something positive that you know God has used your difficulty to prepare you for? You are worth it! You can do this—meaning everything God is calling you to do. If you need healing to experience the brighter side—healing is coming. Remember healing is the children of God’s bread. Just like God promises to provide for us. He promises to heal us. If you aren’t there yet—you one day will be on the brighter side of grief.

Wife Hides $47,000 from Husband as An Escape Fund

On social media this past week, a story was floating around of a 34-year-old wife who hid $47,000 from her husband in what she calls an escape fund. The woman was advised by her mother to set aside money as an escape fund if her marriage doesn’t work out.

The woman shared that her husband is a healthy hard worker who has not exhibited any unsafe traits. Thus, she has every reason to trust him but she took her mom’s advice. The husband got hurt at work and the family of two took a financial hit that caused them to struggle. The wife was a stay-at-home wife.

The husband took on two jobs and drove for Uber to keep up their lifestyle. All the while, the wife still had not shared about her secret stash. The husband suggested they down-size to which the wife disagreed. When the husband examined the bank account(s) to review their finances—he saw her taking withdrawals out over some time. When he asked her about it—she then confessed.

The husband felt let down as if his wife did not fully trust him and he left to stay with his brother. The mom; then, readvised her daughter this was the whole reason she needed to put the money aside to escape now. The wife wanted to know if she was wrong when she wrote a blog for advice. She wanted to know if she should have used the money to help her husband while the couple was struggling financially.

My thoughts are to avoid allowing others to project their fears onto you and anyone who chooses to be married will have to be willing to take some risk. When we fully trust someone—we are willing to take the risk of what if it doesn’t work out.

Secondly, if she felt she needed a backup plan in case it did not work out—she should have brought that up in marriage counseling or at the beginning of the marriage so that it would be out on the table. Further, she could have used wisdom to build a business from home like many stay-at-home wives do to have something they are passionate about and to make money to save for themselves.

The way she went about it was a blow to the husband’s character. Anyone choosing to be in a marriage will have to be willing to make some sacrifices for the marriage above one’s selfish motives.

Be Careful to Avoid Others Projecting Their Fears on You

Unfortunately, the mom has been impacted in some type of way to feel it necessary to share what she did with her daughter. Some women do share negative stories they’ve experienced or observed from other women. Some of these experiences produce fears in women of the what-ifs. These fears are real. There is a real risk of a marriage not working out. People change sometimes despite how diligent we are in discerning the character.

In those instances, we have to trust God. God is the one who is our source and supplies our every need. We can know that if we have to cross that path of divorce or separation; God will give us the wisdom to still be okay and to get back on our feet. There are many testimonies of women who have made it out of those types of scenarios.

Finally, if we are marrying someone we trust—we should be able to be vulnerable with them about this fear. We can even ask him how can we come up with resolutions to resolve that fear. If your husband loves you—he may help you to set up some sort of fund for yourself. Usually, men don’t want to see anyone they love unprovided for. It’s a part of their nature when they genuinely love a woman or their children. Hence, the man in this scenario working two jobs and driving for Uber. In short, if we can trust a man to want to marry him—we should be able to trust him to be vulnerable with him regarding our fears. The question is, “Was this the woman’s fear or her mother’s fear?” It seemed more of her mother’s fear.

Lesson: don’t allow anyone else to project their fears on you causing you to act outside of your character. Instead, learn to discern your fears from those projected on you and shut the door when others project their fears onto you. Use wisdom in setting up money for yourself as there is wisdom in this by seeking to start a business or work part-time to have your own funds.

You can share that you want to have something for yourself to find fulfillment and exercise your passion. This is normally the case for most human beings. We all want to contribute something meaningful to society. This is a less harmful way to make money and set something aside for the future.

Those who Marry will have to be willing to take risk

There is no doubt that women who are stay-at-home wives can be vulnerable to instability when with the wrong type of man. The wrong type of man can be a man who uses his money to manipulate things getting what he wants by not working on his character to attract it but trusting in his money to manipulate surface-level people.

This is why it’s so important to be careful not to choose a man because of his money but rather his upstanding and godly character. Honestly, it takes time to find this type of man and to find one we also share an attraction toward.

Hence, the importance of blocking out negative voices that condemn women for being single at older ages. It takes how long it takes. Because marriage is such a huge risk—proper investigation before marriage is necessary.

People will talk about us whether we are being cautious of our romantic choices or not. We may as well have people to talk about us and make the best decision for ourselves so we can reap the benefits. After all, we are the ones who have to live with our decisions.

To attempt to lessen the risk—perhaps a deep dive within pre-marital counseling should cover the couple’s view on money, fears concerning money and stability, and plans to work together to protect one another from these fears. If we cannot be vulnerable enough to share our fears with someone—we should not marry that someone.

Trust is a foundation for a healthy lasting marriage relationship

Trust is that inner conviction that I’ll be safe with the person I’ve chosen. S/he will always have my back. We normally feel this way with friends and family and of course our spouse. If we cannot trust our spouse, we should not be with our spouse. The woman in this scenario shared that her husband gave no reason for distrust. Instead, the married woman introduced distrust into her marriage by showing she did not fully trust her husband. He was taken by surprise by all of this because he had no clue. I’m sure he felt like a fool. Maybe, he felt like everything he was building was a lie. That’s how we feel when trust is broken whether through cheating, lying, or dishonesty.

Distrust makes it hard to look at a partner the same after indiscretion. On top of the mistrust, the wife showed her self-preservation over the preservation of the health of the marriage. This is a lot for a man. It’s hard to come back from but I believe it’s possible. She did not have her husband’s back. Marriage requires vulnerability and a willingness to work together. It takes trust for this to take place.

Trust has to be rebuilt when it is broken

Another foundation in marriage is grace and forgiveness. Both parties in marriage have to remember there is no manual on how to have a perfect marriage. Most people experiencing marriage for the first time will make some mistakes. The thing is to learn from our mistakes and to be repentant about our wrongs. Remember repentance is to have a change of heart mind and actions. This will take vulnerability and growth. It will also take a willingness from both sides of a marriage. Prayerfully, the woman can examine herself and get some help with her thinking. If she can show overtime, she genuinely trusts her husband—he may be willing to reconcile.

Women Are the Prize & Men Are the Heroes

Let’s settle this question about who is the prize. First, what is a prize? Oxford Languages & Google says a prize is a thing given as a reward to the winner of a competition or in recognition of an outstanding achievement. Many more online dictionaries share similar definitions.

This has often been the case in men’s pursuit of women. Women have been seen as the prize. Men have exerted the breadth of their care and strength in capturing the heart of a young woman. Even in the Bible—there are numerous examples of men being rewarded women as wives for their bravery.

King David was rewarded his first wife Michal as part of the reward for killing Goliath:

Now the Israelites had been saying, “Do you see how this man keeps coming out? He comes out to defy Israel. The king will give great wealth to the man who kills him. He will also give him his daughter in marriage and will exempt his family from taxes in Israel.” – 1 Samuel 17:25

Initially, David was to receive the eldest daughter, Merab. David humbly refused and she was given to another man. But Michal had fallen in love with David. Saul offered her. David thought to refuse again stating unworthiness. However, King Saul gave David an additional assignment to feel as though he’d earned the right to become his son-in-law:

“They repeated these words to David. But David said, “Do you think it is a small matter to become the king’s son-in-law? I’m only a poor man and little known.” When Saul’s servants told him what David had said, Saul replied, “Say to David, ‘The king wants no other price for the bride than a hundred Philistine foreskins, to take revenge on his enemies.’” Saul’s plan was to have David fall by the hands of the Philistines. When the attendants told David these things, he was pleased to become the king’s son-in-law. So, before the allotted time elapsed, David took his men with him and went out and killed two hundred Philistines and brought back their foreskins. They counted out the full number to the king so that David might become the king’s son-in-law. Then Saul gave him his daughter Michal in marriage.” – 1 Samuel 18:23-27

King David as a Hero

We see David getting two chances at becoming the son-in-law of the king here. I don’t think David initially processed the fact that killing Goliath would make him son-in-law to the king. I think he was just zealous for the Lord and wanted to see Goliath humbled after defying the Lord. It did not set in about him taking on a wife until later. This is why I believe he initially refused, but when he was given a task that he felt he could do—it boosted his confidence to believe he deserved a wife. She would be his prize that he earned.

David was a bad dude to kill 100 Philistines. Remember the Bible says Saul’s intent was to get David killed when he sent him to get those 100 foreskins of the Philistines. This means the feat before David was not an easy one. Just like men doing what’s necessary to gain a wife nowadays isn’t an easy one. It takes the power of God to be disciplined, stable, and secure enough to take on the responsibility of a wife. However, David was able to complete the task unscathed with the help of the Lord.

We have to encourage our men to know they can be the heroes within our communities that God designed them to be with God’s help.

David isn’t the only Biblical representative who received a wife due to his willingness to meet a particular required effort. Of course, there is Jacob who worked 14 years for Rachel and he was rewarded. In some ancient cultures, either the man would go negotiate a contract for a wife or the man’s parents along with the daughter’s parents. This is seen in Judges when Samson’s parents refused to put together a marriage contract for a Philistine girl. Instead, Samson does what’s necessary himself to gain the girl as a wife.

Therefore, a woman being called the prize doesn’t diminish the value of a man but gains him the respect he so desires. This is seen as a man being rewarded a wife—shows the man was willing to do what was necessary to acquire and maintain her as his wife.

What are the requirements a man must meet? Glad, you asked. It’s ironic the similarities seen in King David’s story of acquiring his first wife and that of Adam in the Garden of Eden with God.

Adam was in a garden with God. David was in a field with God

Each man was in his respective intimate space with the Lord. This is a safe place to be, grow, learn, fellowship with God, and simply worship. David was a worshipper. Worshipping the Lord gives us a head start in life. In that intimate space, we hear from God, learn to follow his direction, and become confident. It was in dwelling in this place—David knew that he should not fear Goliath because God was with him. The confidence that came from David’s secret place with the Lord led to honor.

Likewise, Adam walked with God in the garden. He learned to cultivate a healthy environment. So, did David, who cultivated a healthy environment for his sheep. You never know what God could be preparing you for just by doing the simple things.

Adam was given tasks to build his confidence and so was David

Adam had to name the animals and cultivate the garden. David had to follow the order of the king regarding the 100 foreskins of the Philistines. David had been prepared to defend his sheep and defend God’s name against Goliath. How much more were 100 regular Philistine men?

The point is—the men who were ready to take on their wives were men who were willing to do what was required. It looked different for each man as each man’s assignment and purpose will be different. In all situations—the woman was the prize. That never changed. Only recently due to gender role confusion and the free sex/sexual revolution culture have women not been seen as the prize.

Men are no longer being required to attain a particular standard. The easiness for many men to acquire a woman has messed it up for the chaste women. Therefore, overall, it’s difficult for some to see women as the prize. Yet, women are the prize still. It is hard, but it isn’t impossible to recover from. Diligent men and women of integrity just need to continue to hold God’s commands in place while patiently seeking out those who will be willing to realign things the way they should be.

When women maintain hope and healthy confidence in being the prize—we do not settle for less than integral and God-fearing men. When men are willing to do what is necessary in the secret place with God—it results in wisdom and favor for every area of their lives. This allows them to be the heroes qualified to attain—the woman as his prize.

How to Pick a Spouse

How to Pick a Spouse is one of the most recent books I’ve read. It shares great insight on dating for marriage. The author, Dan Chun, had a singles ministry in Hawaii. 14 divorces occurred out of the 143 couples married over 20 years under his ministry.

Those are good numbers. All the more reason to read his book, “How to Pick a Spouse.” I won’t ruin the read for you, but will share some key things I got from the book. I thought the 7 C’s in picking a spouse was really good information.

Character & Chemistry in Choosing a Spouse

Character is a person’s moral compass. It is more reliable to build on when talking about relationships than something like good looks—although that’s important too. The author points out honesty as a good representative of character. This should show in small things like showing up on time, telling the truth, and keeping promises. The opposite would be poor character and someone to avoid building something as serious as a relationship to lead to marriage.

Chemistry is described as a chemical pizzazz or a natural fitting together of sorts that simply works. This is necessary in picking a spouse.

Competency & Culture in Choosing a Spouse

Competency shows life skills needed in daily relationships. Things such as being able to keep a job, handle money well, follow through on a project, or simply be responsible. These are necessary in choosing a spouse for marriage.

Culture represents a person’s upbringing. This influences how they think and see the world. When choosing a spouse—we want someone whose culture will allow for agreement on the most important things in life. Faith, values, and how we treat people. Etiquette and education are a part of culture. Some studies show certain education levels mean a lower risk of divorce. While education may not be a deal-breaker—it’s important to discuss these things and how each person views them in the dating process.

Commitment & Communication

Dan says commitment is the glue that keeps our marriages stable through thick and thin. His goal with this book is to pull us out of infatuation and into a whit about choosing a life partner. Thus, he calls to attention the need to be honest about what we are observing in a potential partner. Does our potential have a history of cheating? If so, what makes us think the partner will not cheat on us?

Does the person have a string of failed marriages? Have they addressed the issue that has caused the short-lived marriages? Have they taken responsibility in moving forward so they can be in a healthy commitment? Commitment in the eyes of Dan equals loyalty.

Communication is the reciprocal activity of two persons receiving and giving information to one another. There are some things Dan warns us to look out for in a person’s communication style. Things like arguing, throwing things, becoming passive-aggressive, or going silent are things we need to look out for.

Does a person show a willingness to forgive or is it always the other person’s fault? Dan shares a mention from a sociologist, Tony Campolo. He shared he did not feel much hope for couples he counseled who only blamed one another. When he saw at least one party taking responsibility for his/her actions—he knew there was hope for the couple to make it.

Dan says we should look for humility as an indicator of a healthy communication style.

Core Values, The Final C in How to Pick a Spouse

Core values are the fundamental core beliefs of a person. They are usually held dear and difficult to change. We need to be clear on our values before dating and choose someone who shares them. Dan uses this as an example, Jesus Christ. He says if he is the center of your life and all of your decisions are based on him and his word. You’d better marry a Christian who holds those same beliefs. He points out that in cases where he’s seen believers marry non-believers or believers of a significantly lower level of practice—the relationship has always gone in the direction of the lower level.

Marrying someone with different core values could tear the relationship apart.

The Anti-virus Software Chapter

This chapter stood out to me, particularly for how he explained co-dependency. He quotes, Tina Tessina, a marriage & family therapist, who says co-dependency is when you make a relationship more important to you than you are to yourself.

It’s when you are dependent upon the relationship, not necessarily the person, for fulfillment. He goes on, “Are you wondering how or why you would ever do that? Codependency slips in subtly with severe consequences. Co-dependent people don’t know it, but they are locked in a death dance where they try to save their partner or the relationship over and over again to the neglect of their own health.”

He gave an example of a married couple where the husband layed around and the wife worked supporting her husband’s dependency on alcohol and cigarettes. As long as the wife allowed this—her husband continued. When she finally called it quits divorcing him—he made a change. Her initial co-dependent behavior enabled him.

It was only when she decided to let the co-dependent relationship go—he changed for the better becoming independent himself. Two healthy functioning independent people can become interdependent in their relationship with one another instead of co-dependent. This allows the couple to remain healthy individually while both reap the benefits of the relationship.

The Anti-Virus Software chapter covers red flags for us to realize during the dating process. I could write more, but I will just allow you all to go out and buy his book, “How to Pick a Spouse.” For questions on choosing a spouse and sparking up the conversation, see my book, “Patterns of the Heart: Discernment in Choosing a Potential Spouse.”

Are You Leaning on Practicality More Than Trusting God?

King Asa, was a godly king after God’s own heart. He had a reputation for trusting God. Also, he’d done what was right in the eyes of the Lord and God had given him favor delivering him in many wars. However, one day King Asa decided to do what was practical for kings in that time instead of what he’d previously done—consulted the Lord.

He aligned himself with the King of Aram to prevent another King from being successful in his endeavor against himself and Judah (2 Chronicles 16:1-9.) However, God sent a prophet to King Asa to correct him, saying the below:

At that time Hanani the seer came to Asa king of Judah and said to him: “Because you relied on the king of Aram and not on the Lord your God, the army of the king of Aram has escaped from your hand. – 2 Chronicles 16:7

It was practical for King Asa to make a league with the other King. That’s what kings did. However, not above the counsel of the Lord. King Asa did not know what the counsel of the Lord was because he did not seek the Lord in the matter. He took it into his own hands not considering what God wanted to do. Therefore, Asa would have to face war for the remainder of his life.

For the eyes of the Lord range throughout the earth to strengthen those whose hearts are fully committed to him. You have done a foolish thing, and from now on you will be at war.” – 2 Chronicles16:9

Trusting God with Only Certain Things

How many of us have a history with the Lord as King Asa had? Yet, we assign God to only handle certain things in our lives excluding his input on others. Maybe, we’ve gotten tired of the long process of going about things God’s way. So, we look to trust the practical more. After all, the practical did work to solve Asa’s issue in his case.

When we are presumptuous about how we feel our lives should turn out—we take away the space for God to do exceedingly abundantly above all we could ask or even think (Ephesians 3:20.) I’m sure this is what God had in mind, which would have been far more than what King Asa could have expected.

He’d started so strong in the Lord. Similar to the below warning in Galatians:

Are you so foolish? After beginning by means of the Spirit, are you now trying to finish by means of the flesh? – Galatians 3:3

Walking in Step with The Spirit of God is What Got You Here

In other words, walking in step with the Spirit of God is what got Asa to the point he was at as king. It’s also what has gotten us to where we are. It’s also the very thing that will get us to the exceedingly, abundantly above all we could ask or think. This is how God wants to do things.

When he had finished speaking, he said to Simon, “Put out into deep water, and let down the nets for a catch.” Simon answered, “Master, we’ve worked hard all night and haven’t caught anything. But because you say so, I will let down the nets.” – Luke 5:4-5

Simon, Peter was essentially saying, we’ve done everything practically all night, but because you say so and we trust you we will follow what you are saying. Next, this is where the disciples saw the exceeding, abundantly, above all we can ask or think.

When they had done so, they caught such a large number of fish that their nets began to break. So they signaled their partners in the other boat to come and help them, and they came and filled both boats so full that they began to sink. When Simon Peter saw this, he fell at Jesus’ knees and said, “Go away from me, Lord; I am a sinful man!” – Luke 5:6-8

The catch was so huge—they could hardly handle it. This is what God wants to do in our lives—the miraculous. Many of us have been waning in strength, faith, and boldness to believe in God for the miraculous. Sometimes, we may be so weak that we are willing to take anything to resolve the anxiety we feel like King Asa. He just wanted the issue solved with the King of Bashan. Even through the pain of whatever we are being challenged with whether loneliness, anxiety, or disappointment, we have to be willing to continue trusting God to do the miraculous.

The Practical is Important

Yes, we need to do all that we can in the practical sense but not without acknowledging God. And not without leaving room to be guided by God’s voice as the disciples were guided by the voice of Jesus to resolve their vain efforts at fishing for the day. I truly believe this is the message God gave me in prayer and Bible reading recently. It strengthened my heart as I’d recently come out of a season of facing one challenge after the other while trying to resolve my inner longing and anxiety. I was comforted to know God wants to go beyond in resolving these things for me. It just requires a little trust.

What areas are we leaning more toward the practical above walking in step with the Spirit of God? Could it be our dating lives? Are we trying to fulfill the promise of a husband or wife without acknowledging God? In not acknowledging God, are we taking away his space to do the miraculous? What if God has an exceeding miracle for you in that area? What if you decided to settle for less because of leaning only to the practical? We need the practical. We need practical wisdom. Knowing how to practice discernment is key. However. These things aren’t enough. Let’s pray the Lord strengthens us to trust him to do the miraculous in our lives over what we can do for ourselves in the practical.

Is He Into You or Just Using You?

Into you or using you? This is one of the most important questions we need to answer when newly dating someone. Sometimes people suggest asking the question what are your intentions with me. The truth is people can tell you anything. The truth is revealed in time over a person’s consistent actions. People will always reveal who they are and their intentions if we simply pay attention.

This is why it’s so important not to go all in within a dating relationship. Instead, we should allow time to tell us just what the other person’s intentions are before agreeing to commit to a relationship with them. Our boundaries such as saving sex for marriage and practicing self-discipline will protect us in this process.

Faithful in Little Things

The scripture gives us a great nugget in sharing that if we are faithful in little, we will be faithful in much. This is true of someone’s character and intentions being exposed in dating. You’ll be able to tell if a man is into you or not based on his faithfulness in the little things.

Does he keep his word? Can he follow through on what he said without priming or prompting from you? Is he on time or early to see you or consistently late? If he cannot keep his word; nor, make things right in communicating and correcting the lack of consistency—he isn’t that into you.

I know what it’s like to have a man really interested in me. Even though past relationships did not always work out—it was nice to have the experience of a man being clear about his interest in me. That is a lesson I carry with me.

The Lack of Communication

When a man doesn’t reach out to you, it’s a sign he isn’t into you. If he only reaches out to you when you reach out to him—you aren’t a priority to him. In this scenario, you should not make a priority of him. Women are responders. Men take the lead and either invite us into their lives or keep us out. If a man is seeking to keep you out of his life—do not try to force your way in. You have more value than that.

Simply keep on living the full life you had before going on a date with him. He may have realized you aren’t the type of woman he wants to pursue for whatever reason. It may not have anything to do with you. It’s his choice. Respect yourself by respecting his choice and avoid reaching out to him. If you have to delete his number from your phone to avoid reaching out to him, do that. 9 times out of 10 God is protecting you from something.

Asking Questions and Showing Interest is a Way a Guy Shows He’s Into You and vice Versa for the Brothers w/Women

A very clear sign a man isn’t into you is he doesn’t ask questions to get to know you. He may even limit how much he shares with you about himself. This brother could be only seeking a good time and seeing how far you are willing to go with him.

Keep your boundaries in place, especially in this scenario. His intentions will reveal themselves. Was he just tired a particular night and did not feel like asking questions? Or is this his consistent theme? If he consistently doesn’t take a role in seeking to get to know you as a whole person by asking questions and showing a level of vulnerability with you, he just isn’t into you.

Seeing How Far They Can Go

If the gentleman detracts away from communication to get to know one another, early on, to ask to be physical—he may be just trying to see how far he can go with you. Remember we do not date to get our physical needs met in dating. We date to gather data. Our focus is on whether someone can be a suitable partner for us for where we are and who we are growing into. There are natural affections like hugs and holding hands that are okay early on.

However, If he’s only interested in meeting up to make out or he limits communication after you refuse to give in to sex—he’s seeing how far you are willing to go with him. The purpose of you all dating isn’t mutually exclusive. Do a self-awareness check for yourself in this scenario. There can very well be a pull to give in to focusing only on the physical if you notice that is what he is more passionate about and you really like him. Snap yourself out of that temptation to continue with him. If you have to speak with your accountability to help snap out of it—do what you gotta do. Remind yourself of your worth to be loved fully for the complete woman you are.

You bring so much to the table mentally, spiritually, emotionally, socially, and not just physically. You are not a sex object.

When a man is Really into You, He Introduces you to important People in His Life

Steve Harvey shared this tip in his book, “Act Like a Lady Think Like a Man.” And it’s true. Men who are serious about you introduce you to their parents, siblings, and anyone important in their lives. They are not content to keep you a secret. Please, remind yourself that you are worthy of this.

Early on, it can make sense for both the guy and the girl not to share one another with the world as the interaction of dating for the two is new. However, when there is an agreed-upon commitment to move forward in a relationship—he should be introducing you to others.

It’s crucial during the early period to follow your healthy standards of abstinence and not overly focusing on the physical. This will help you to better discern what is going on. Keeping you a secret could mean he has secrets. Maybe, he is already involved. You don’t need the hassle of trying to figure this out.

An Interested Man Will Listen to You & Respect You

Your thoughts and opinions will matter to the man. He will listen to you. This doesn’t mean he will agree with you on everything. He simply will not shut you out or any input you have to add to him. If he does shut you out during arguments and such; he’ll always be willing to come back and make things right with you. Some men shut women out because they’ve already made a choice to go do something else and they are no longer invested in the relationship. You want someone willing to be invested through the disagreements and the more peaceful times.

When a Man is Healthy and into You, He is Willing to Protect You Mentally, Emotionally, Spiritually, and Socially as well as Physically

The gentleman will see you as a whole person. He will be concerned about how you feel emotionally. What can he do to serve you and help resolve your needs? He will be invested in putting in the effort to cover you spiritually, mentally, and socially as well. His primary concern will not be what he can get from you. He’ll recognize that sowing into you as a whole person brings reciprocity toward him.

Therefore, what he needs will be supplied by the woman he chooses to love. As women, we are made to respond to the man and to receive from the man. When we receive, we give back to him multiplying what he needs and more. One of the reasons it’s so important for us to be careful with the man we choose is because we are natural receivers of men and we respond to what they give us.

This is a part of our makeup but can be dangerous with the wrong man. We have to be strong enough to resist the wrong type of man. Bad company will corrupt the most manurable of godly women or men. Pride will have us thinking we can change a man. Humility will allow us to observe a man’s character with boundaries intact. As a result of observation, we will properly respond to what we see. This could be asking further questions or cutting it off. Whatever the course demands. You will know.

In Summary of Is He Into You or Not

It’s so important to keep the standards and boundaries in place like abstinence, and communicating the truth to yourself at every stage of dating. This will allow us to see what is going on in reality and to make the proper adjustments. Even if the adjustment is us being single a little while longer.

Sometimes, as women, we can want a relationship so bad that we get ahead of ourselves. Our temporary needs being fulfilled are what lead us instead of discernment. Some of us start giving up goods and things to men as if we are already in a relationship or his wifey. We mustn’t get ahead of who the man has communicated we are to him. If he has not made us a wife—there should be no wifely activities. No bank account sharing, buying houses or cars together, sexing, and the like.

Don’t allow your need for love to make you stay in an unhealthy relationship with a man.