The Divorce rate isn’t 50%. Shocking, huh? I know. This is information found in Shaunti Feldhahn and Tally Whitehead’s book, “The Good News About Marriage.” She has made the bold discovery that the actual divorce rate is much lower than 50%. The oversharing of the 50% ratio in media and churches has become discouraging to those who may otherwise choose to get married or to fight harder for the marriages already had.

Shaunti doesn’t want people going into a marriage thinking they only have a 50% percent chance at making the marriage work. Even worse, she doesn’t want couples to choose only to cohabit together in place of marriage because marriage seems harder. The truth is those who cohabit before marriage have a higher rate of divorce (The Truth About Marriage, 2014.)

Of those who have been married to their first spouse, 72% of the couples are still married together in 2009. This means there was a remaining 28% of those who were married to their first spouse who were no longer married in 2009’s Census Data. However, the data doesn’t distinguish between those who aren’t married due to divorce and those who aren’t married due to widowhood.

An assertion was made that the divorce rate in 2009 could have more realistically been around 20% – 25% for first marriages. This is due to an estimate that those couples who are no longer together are not together based on widowhood by between 8-10 percentage points. For all marriages, the divorce rate is estimated to be around thirty-something percent.

If the rate was this low in 2009 and the divorce rate is steadily declining per most recent Census data—the rate has got to be even lower now. (Also see decrease per 1,000 population.)  This is largely in part due to people getting married at older ages and the risk for divorce being lower for these marriages. Further, the happiness rate of those married is 80% per a study done by Feldhahn and her team. Of those who had rocky times in marriages they tended to level out within 5 years.

Some who had given up on their marriages said they would have held on had they known that on average the issues they were having would have ended within 5 years. Most who went through with divorce when surveyed did so because they saw no end to the hardship they’d faced in marriage. They’d lost their hope. Hope was mentioned several times over as a determining factor on how well marriages would fare.

The book shares the powerful result of a survey of troubled marriages where 97% of those in the marriage deeply cared for each other. While 59% of those surveyed did not believe their spouse deeply cared. Therefore, for the 59% to get on the same page, some work would be required. The work required to get on the same page isn’t very daunting.

So, where does the 50% divorce rate come from? The book describes a boom in divorce in the 1970s and 1980s by the Baby-boomer generation after the no-fault divorce law was enacted. These were primarily the people who had gotten married very young which has a higher rate of divorce. The book mentions the divorce rate was reported to have gotten up to 48% during this time but has since declined. However, it has been sensational to share the higher divorce rate in media, churches, and blogs alike.

Much of the data with the higher divorce rates do not apply to those who have gotten married more recently as they’ve not been married long enough to have conclusive data. Millennials are getting married at older ages. The average rate of 1st marriage for women at the time of study for the book was 25 or older. The below graph will show that the chance of survival in marriage has increased for those who have been married after the age of 25:

 

For those who have been married after the age of 25—the data shows a N/A percentage for the survival rate at 20 years as those couples have not been married long enough due to marrying later in life.

There are lots of different bodies of study that Shaunti and her research team took on. She discusses the 50% divorce rate multiple times in the book as a projection of experts. The experts believe that at some point the divorce rate will reach 50% although it hasn’t done so yet. A more accurate account of the divorce rate could be determined by studying the crude divorce rate.

The crude divorce rate is based on actual marriages that took place in varying municipalities compared with divorces. However, this is not just how many were married in a particular year but at any given point and are still married in the municipalities.

The below graph shows the decline in the crude divorce rate over the years:

When researching the divorce rate, see if you can look up what the crude divorce rate is for this time. This was not the only good news. Those who were on their 2nd marriage had a 65% rate of still being with that 2nd spouse. The longer people were together for decades—the greater the likelihood the couple would not divorce.

One of the greatest findings is the fact that the divorce rate in the church is 25-50% lower than those who do not attend worship services. The misbelief that the divorce rate in the church is the same in the world is simply not true. It’s a misquote of a Barna Group Data research study. In the study, the Barna group excluded Christian practices like church attendance and did his study on belief alone. A revised Barna group study accounted for more in-depth questions like weekly church attendance. This study found that the chances of divorce were lower by 25-50%.

Further, a single’s pastor, Dan Chun completed his study. He followed up with 143 couples that he had mentored as singles into the path of marriage. He encouraged them to regularly attend church, meet each other in a healthy environment, keep listening to good teaching, avoid risky decisions like living together before marriage, and stay in a supportive community. Of the hundreds of singles he’s worked with over the years, 143 marriages resulted with only 14 of those marriages resulting in a divorce after the 20-year mark. More can be read about Chun’s study in his book, “How to Pick a Spouse.”

Finally, those who had college degrees had a lower divorce rate as well. In a world where negative news about marriage and divorce is prevalent—it is helpful to read Shaunti’s book, “The Good News About Marriage” for encouragement. This will allow us to have a more positive outlook on our chances of being successful in the institution of marriage.

Shaunti Feldhahn is a Harvard-trained social researcher, popular speaker, and best-selling author of For Women Only and other books with sales of more than two million copies in twenty-two languages. Download the Practical Purity Tips Handout Free at link and consider taking the Top 3 Dating Fears Course below to learn to date successfully:

We all deal with things in life that leave us wounded whether it is grief due to the loss of a loved one, dealing with the ups and downs of addiction in our families, or any experience that simply hurts. The great thing is just like God allows hardship; he also allows common practices that lead to healing. Some common practices that lead to healing and wholeness are choice, trigger awareness, forgiveness, support from others, and consistency in seeking the Lord.

The Power of Choice in Healing

Healing starts with a choice that we want to experience something different after sitting in the grief of whatever has wounded us. We have to make a conscious choice to do the things necessary for healing.

There must also be a choice to move forward in life expecting for better. As hard as it may feel to let go of the past and move forward expecting something more—it is a must that will be worth it. What is it that is seeking to have you trapped in the same place of believing you cannot move on any further?

Remember as sons and daughters of God we can cast our cares on God because he cares for us. Even though it’s hard, we do not have to carry the hard stuff on our own. We can decide to place our hands in God’s hands trusting him to empower us to move forward in life.

 Casting all your cares upon Him, for He careth for you. – 1 Peter 5:7 (KJV)

Being Aware of Triggers During Healing

We cannot avoid the pain of life. We can avoid dwelling too much on the triggers that delve us into that pain. Some pain is like drowning in an ocean. There is nothing that can be done about it such as the pain of losing a loved one.

Is there a picture that you have on display that takes you back to the pain of the loss of your loved one? I recently read how some people experiencing grief feel guilty for not displaying a large picture of their deceased loved one.

Others recognize that displaying a large picture of their deceased loved one is a trigger for deep pain. Pain that they can do nothing about. This launches some into a place of hopelessness and guilt for attempting to move on in living life.

The truth is it’s important to do whatever works for you. If a conversation, a location, a picture, or other reminder launches you into a deep place of pain that you aren’t yet ready to deal with—do what you have to do to avoid that pain until you get tools to help you through it.

Some people cannot clean out a loved one’s room right away or give away their old clothes. It’s too much of a trigger for them. It’s okay to realize your trigger points and to distract yourself from being buried in a place of pain.

I have a small place in my home with family photos. Some in those photos are deceased. I have to intentionally walk to that corner of my home to see the photos. Therefore, I can choose when to view the photos. On the days when I feel stronger—I can walk over. On the days I feel weaker I can avoid it if I have to. There is no pressure and no particular way to deal with grief that is correct or incorrect in placing photos. We just need to be aware of our triggers and how our placement is affecting us so we can adjust in a way that helps us heal.

In a grief counseling session and course I attended—we were taught to distract ourselves from our grief trigger to get through a moment of grief being triggered in such a way as to make us run down a rabbit hole.

Finally, brethren, whatsoever things are true, whatsoever things are honest, whatsoever things are just, whatsoever things are pure, whatsoever things are lovely, whatsoever things are of good report; if there be any virtue, and if there be any praise, think on these things. – Philippians 4:8

Forgiving ourselves and others Removes Us From the Shame of Loss

I’d recently read about shame in Chip Dodd’s book, “The Voice of the Heart.” He explained shame to be an emotion that our heart communicates to us to allow us to realize our limits. We have limits when it comes to death, addictions, and the choices of others. We cannot control these outcomes. Even though, the outcomes hurt.

What we can do is allow others who will walk with us through the hurt and grief. We can allow them to show us mercy and love while we show the same in return. Realizing that we all have limits creates a place of humility toward others to be willing to show up for them in grace and mercy as well.

Realizing our shame is either unfounded because we did all we could or realizing our shame is founded because we made a mistake is necessary to move forward. We will either accept that the result was out of our hands or accept that we weren’t at our best and humble ourselves asking for forgiveness. Both giving forgiveness to others and receiving forgiveness for our faults provide the grace necessary to move forward.

When dealing with losing a loved one due to addiction guilt is a common result. We can feel like we should have done something different to change things. A part of grief is accepting what has transpired. What if we blaming ourselves is a way that we are trying to still hold on and maintain control of the situation? What if we are denying reality in some sense and preventing ourselves from letting go so that we do not heal?

There is therefore now no condemnation to them which are in Christ Jesus, who walk not after the flesh, but after the Spirit. – Romans 8:1

Maintaining Support from Others While Healing

Being around family and friends and those who genuinely care reminds us that our lives mean something when we are healing. We also find those who are safe to talk with and listen to us vent our feelings. There is a natural healing that occurs in the exchange of sharing with others and listening to others. This process allows us to begin to see we aren’t alone in our pain, grief, or difficulty in life. Hearing stories of how others have overcome and are overcoming continues to progress us in the healing journey. We realize that healing is a journey that is better walked out with others.

Confess your faults one to another, and pray one for another, that ye may be healed. The effectual fervent prayer of a righteous man availeth much. – James 5:16

Consistency in Coming to the Lord

We spoke about shame earlier in this article for feeling as though something more could have been done and the outcome would have been different. Holding this against ourselves as a form of condemnation, shame or guilt may prevent us from coming to the Lord. The Lord is the only one who can heal us. He tells us to come to him in his Word. He even tells us to come to him boldly to obtain mercy in the time of need. Why? Because there will be some form of opposition in attempting to prevent us from coming to the Lord. I want to encourage myself and others to keep coming to God. He wants to heal us. We have to talk to ourselves to remind ourselves of the Word of God God’s already said.

Come unto me, all ye that labor and are heavy laden, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you and learn of me; for I am meek and lowly in heart: and ye shall find rest unto your souls. – Matthew 11:28-29

Let us therefore come boldly to the throne of grace, that we may obtain mercy and find grace to help in time of need. – Hebrews 4:16

Journaling is an Outlet for Healing

Journaling is one of many outlets for healing. I was told by one of my therapists that taking on a new hobby is one way to help with the process of painful grief. Journaling for me is something I enjoy anyway as a writer. Finding something to focus on that we enjoy can take our focus off of the pain we feel and turn it on something enjoyable that reminds us that life can be joy-filled.

Also, journaling helps me to work out my thoughts and questions I may have had about the grief and what could have been done. I then have my answers documented in a journal for the next time a question arises. I can simply say what was the result of this thought process? Oh yeah—I was able to resolve that. Resolving questions around grief and thought processes aids in the process of moving forward in life. Remember moving forward and finding enjoyment in life is not leaving behind our loved one. It’s purposing to live life again until we are reunited with them.

RESOURCES:

www.griefshare.org – Free Grief Group Counseling/Support Group

www.grasphelp.org – Free Support Group & resources for losing a loved one due to addiction

Yvonne Orji, in a recent interview on the Dear Chelsea podcast, doesn’t only cover being a virgin but she tackles some other topics like the expected age she wanted to be married versus the age she is likely more ready to be married. She’d wanted to be married by 23 but feels that life has worked out as it should have for her to have accomplished as much as she did. At 39, she feels more ready to be married than ever.

Yvonne reminds us even though we have our desires—things may not always happen as we expect. We have to trust God’s bigger plan and keep moving forward. At 18, Yvonne expected to lose her virginity, but God had other plans. She was on her way to the club but a friend suggested Bible study before hitting up the club.

This is where she was introduced to a woman who knew the Word of God and walked in love. She grew a hunger for the same type of relationship with God. This experience led to further growth and commitment and the girl we see now who is committed to waiting for marriage to have sex at the age of 39.

Yvonne says to pray for her future husbae as she has lots of pent-up sexual energy. The show host, Chelsea suggests that Yvonne will need a couple of men.

Later, a virgin had written into the show to share that she had not been out on a date for some years. She was nervous to start dating again. Yvonne encouraged her letting her know she needs to find her confidence. Her words were, “Find your own sexy.”

Meaning, that the virgin who called in, will need to know within herself she isn’t for everyone and everyone isn’t for her. She should have enough confidence to still believe she can put herself out there to attract what she wants. Everyone not respecting the fact that she’s a virgin is okay. This is to be expected.

Yvonne continued her advice saying the woman doesn’t need several good men but one good brother for her. She ended her advice suggesting for the woman to be open to getting to know men alluding to her previous guardedness of giving out her email to interested suitors. This reminds me of when I would give out my social media info to potential suitors. Now, I only give out my socials to potential suitors I don’t have a mutual interest in lol.

Yvonne Orji being a virgin at 39, I’m sure, allows her to experience all too well the persecution that comes with this lifestyle. Yet, she reps it with boldness. She isn’t backing down from her commitment although she is pushing 40.

Chad Johnson and Shannon Sharpe had a small segment on Yvonne’s abstinence vow. Chad tried to convince Shannon to pursue Yvonne as she fits the mold of what can be considered a good wife according to traditional standards. Shannon responded no! He wants Nasty B.

This is a reality of what virgin women and men experience on a regular. It’s assumed that sex with a virgin will be bad. Because of this, many virgins are passed over when it comes to mate selection. In the face of this type of persecution—we are required to remain bold. Despite the persecution, there will always be those willing to love virgins.

Watch the video of Chad and Shannon below and the link to the Yvonne Orji full interview below that. There is some profanity in the interview with Yvonne Orji.

 

Share your thoughts below in the comments:

Rejection is a common experience that we all will encounter in our search for love. We can protect ourselves from the pit of rejection by realizing two things—self-acceptance and the inevitability of rejection.

The pit of rejection is where the lies of the enemy lie. Where the enemy tells us that we aren’t enough or we are too much and that is the reason for our rejection. Sometimes, the reason for rejection has nothing to do with us but the fact that the standard on our lives would require too much of others. Many people are comfortable where they are and our commitment to Christ would threaten that comfort for them if they decided to attempt to align their lives with ours.

You are not for everybody. Everybody is not for you. The quicker you accept yourself the easier it will be for you to bounce back from rejection. You owe it to yourself to be you. Anyone who takes you away from being authentically yourself isn’t for you unless they are helping you to be better.

Next, you’ll have to expect rejection. There will be people who pursue a relationship with you who aren’t in alignment with your values. Hoping one party will change is the norm. However, when that norm isn’t realized rejection is inevitable.

Others will be offended by the standards you have. For example, the standard to save sex until marriage is offensive to some. Rejection is to be expected if this is your standard. Those who take issue with you because of this do you a favor in exposing that they aren’t for you.

Or maybe a guy liked a girl, but he saw a prettier girl and no longer returned the first girl’s call—this is a form of rejection that happens all the time in dating. Don’t take it so personally that you internalize it as if there is something wrong with you. Be confident in knowing your beauty is enough. When God created you—he created you enough. Remember to celebrate your beauty before you get into a relationship with someone—so you aren’t relying on the approval of a partner to feel beautiful.

When we experience rejection—we need to process it for what it is, an experience. That experience should not define how we see ourselves. Our worthiness for God’s best should remain intact. When we have the same experience again and again; we are tempted to believe there is something wrong with us. If this is your issue—I’d encourage you to run it by a trusted friend, coach, therapist, and the Lord in prayer. I had to do this myself.

When talking to different gentlemen getting to know them—I continued to have the experience of guys ghosting or falling off due to my stance on abstinence. When running this by my coach, she reminded me that my standard is a part of me that I have to accept. This would require the brotha I choose to have to accept it as well. If we aren’t solid on walking in who we are others will not be either.

They will seek to move us to act outside of who we are for their benefit. When faced with this decision rejection is the better out. This is why we cannot fear rejection but expect it. It’s a necessary part of life. The truth is—we’ve been rejected before and we turned out fine. When experiencing rejection again—we’ll be fine again.

Challenge yourself to accept yourself. Even the parts that others do not like. Remember we do not get our approval from man but from God. The confidence that our stances honor God should be enough to cause us to embrace them with joy. It may not get us to a potential sooner but it will protect us along the way.

Consider taking my course Healing & Refreshing for God’s Single Daughters or joining my Facebook Group, “Singles Living for Christ.”

Generalizations, Unrealistic Expectations & Cheesecake Factory Date

Generalizations and stereotypes come from experiences like that of the recently famed Cheesecake Factory date. We see these stereotypes and generalizations begin to shape the reality of our culture as African-American single women and men. It furthers the notions of self-hate that have been permeating themselves throughout our culture.

Yes, there are women with unrealistic and superficial expectations. They come in all colors. However, the African-American women who publicize this type of behavior in mainstream culture hurt themselves and other Black women who do not share the same sentiment. According to a 2020 Pew research study Blacks are far more likely to be single than non-Blacks. Further, African-American men are more likely to marry outside of their race.

Of course, there is nothing wrong with marrying outside of our race. However, Black women aren’t given a fair chance when our image is consistently in a negative light. If we are going to come together as a culture that desires to love and respect one another and form nuclear families—both single Black women and men will need to take responsibility.

We will have to take responsibility for Overcoming Generalizations and stereotypes Imposed on Us

An example of a generalization can be that women tend to identify with financial security more. In many cases, this is a true generalization. It can be backed up by data and common sense that shows that women can be more vulnerable to financial instability if they desire to have children which is a natural result of marriage on many occasions.

However, to assume that all women who are Black only care about money is a stereotype. Stereotypes are forced on individuals and can have a greater negative effect on the community as a whole. Simply because a woman identifies with a cultural group, such as being Black she may be passed over without being given a conversation or consideration. See the Intercultural Development Institute’s definition of a generalization turning into a stereotype below:

“A cultural generalization is a statement about a group of people. For instance, saying that US Americans tend to be more individualistic compared to many other cultural groups is an accurate generalization about that group. A cultural generalization may become a stereotype if it is definitively applied to individual members of the group. For instance, it would be stereotyping a particular person to assume that he or she must be individualistic by virtue of being a US American.”

These stereotypes have to be changed by the women who have given into a mindset that their value and worth are determined by how much a guy is willing to spend on them. It also has to be changed by the men who love Black women. A Black man has to not allow himself to write off all Black women because of a stereotype. We are not a monolith. We all have our own set of values that go far beyond money. Truthfully speaking, when you meet a woman of honor and integrity—we often bring wealth, wisdom, and favor. 

Responsibility must be Taken to Discern between Unrealistic & Superficial Expectations for Important Values

I love how the woman in the Cheesecake Factory video later took responsibility for her actions. She admitted that she was being superficial and had unrealistic expectations. Her behavior of disrespecting the man’s time by being late to the date was inconsiderate.

On top of that, not getting out of the car when they arrived at the destination of the Cheesecake Factory was a further act of entitlement and ungratefulness.

Instead, she rolled her eyes in disrespect while putting her date on camera as if to show the world that she was being mistreated. She was the one doing the mistreatment.

How many times have we heard that we attract who we are? The gentleman quickly realized she was not on the same page as him and he took her back home. Even the Bible teaches us if we desire friends; we must show ourselves friendly. It’s unrealistic to think someone will be willing to give you the world while you blatantly disrespect them.

Let’s not lose the timeless values of kindness, genuine love, courtesy, and respect for our neighbors whether we like them or not. Based on how she treated him—it was clear she did not like him. He was a meal ticket to her. If this is not what she meant to communicate—she needs to become more self-aware.

It doesn’t hurt to be aware of how others view you. We need to develop a healthy value system of love and respect if love and respect are what we want. If our friends do not encourage us to find genuine love—they aren’t our friends. The woman shared that she would not have been able to live down telling her friends she’d gone on a date at the Cheesecake factory. So, she did not want to settle. This was her initial mindset. The real settling is giving up on a chance at real love.

It’s having to catch a man to get your next attention and money-grab fix. Some settle for transactional relationships of money for time or sex instead of building lasting love because they don’t believe lasting love exists.

Deal with any Limiting Beliefs that Keep You in a Less Than Worthy Mindset

Instead of continuing down the wrong path—commit to dealing with your limiting beliefs. Renew your mind with the word of God. Learn what it means to become a virtuous woman. Characteristics of a virtuous woman include kindness in her speech and demeanor. She is gracious and settled in her worth.

The point of being settled in her worth is so important. Why? Because it will not be easy walking the path of virtue. You’ll be protected from so much but others will tell you that you are too much. They will try to convince you that you are too old to hold certain traditional values like waiting until marriage for sex. That is okay, however. Because the trials and tests we face show us the character we’ve developed inside.

Our character to remain firm in our values makes us a diamond. A diamond is something only the diligent can find as it is buried deep in the earth. Diamond-like women are buried deep in God. He will direct the right types of gentlemen to our path when the appropriate time comes.

Finally, We will have to Think for Ourselves Not Allowing Negative Media or Generalizations to Shape Our View of the World

Living our lives believing generalizations and stereotypes about others instead of meeting each individual for ourselves—will shut us out from some potentially great experiences. This is why we have to think for ourselves. Something the gentleman in the video did well. He knew his values. He stood on his values and did not settle. Neither did he allow his experience with her to shape his view of all African-American women. We are more than generalizations.

Superficial women use the term settling for getting with a man who isn’t willing to spend as much money, but money doesn’t make the man. Money shows you what type of man you are dealing with. If he is disciplined in not being flashy or overspending—perhaps he may be good at budgeting. This is an important value that will make a difference later should a woman decide to marry and have children with the man. At least, she can have the peace of mind to know he can prioritize the family over impressing others.

People who have not developed themselves use money to impress others. Those who have developed themselves use being their genuine selves. They show off things like love, care, kindness, protection, stability, and mutual respect. Which person would you rather have?

See the full interview of the two who went on the viral date below and share your thoughts:

Oh yeah! The lists are also superficial. We don’t need an internet war. We need people willing to apply the truths in this article. Disclaimer: I only shared the video due to the conversation. I do not follow the channel and am not aware of what else is normally taught on the channel. Be sure you judge what you allow into your spirit by the Word of God.

Join my Facebook Group Singles Living for Christ for community of other single Christian believers: Singles Living for Christ | Facebook

How can we maintain hope in difficulty? How do we not lose our expectation of things changing for the better? We do so by keeping our faith in God’s word despite what we see. We rehearse the Word of God again and again. We remain determined to go through.

Last week, I was meditating on Lamentations 4. Specifically, 4:3. It says the below:

“Even jackals offer their breasts to nurse their young, but my people have become heartless like ostriches in the desert.”

I’m not an expert on Ostriches but a quick Google search led me to the following facts: Ostriches are animals that were made specifically by God to adapt to living in the desert. They have wings but cannot use them to fly. The wings are to protect them from the heat of the desert by day and cold by night. Their eyelids are built to block the desert sand. They can store water in their bodies preventing them from having to find a water source very often. They were made to adapt to the harsh conditions never expecting to be taken out of that environment.

However, God’s people were not made to adapt to the harshness of difficulty. We often correlate difficulty as believers to the desert. We were made for more. While God uses the desert to train us to rely on him—it is not our final destination. When our hearts become hard we can easily believe that it is and begin to adapt.

Adapting for us often looks like vices. Vices are whatever we put our trust in at the moment to get us through. It could be drugs, alcohol, sex, toxic relationships, or more. The desert is the place where God deals with our idols and teaches us to depend on him more deeply.

For Israel, in Lamentations, they were going to be in a type of desert for a long time. God had promised them they’d be in Babylonian captivity for 70 years. Israel had found itself quickly in a different circumstance than they’d expected. Many were faced with starvation and became so desperate that they began to eat their own children. Talk about the hardness of the heart. Who makes a prey of their children for food?

God pointed out a clear contrast to Jackals, another animal desert. He said even they nurse their young. Jackals are not intelligent in the same way humans, made in God’s image are. So, why are the Jackals trusting God to the point of still being able to be humane while the humans were not?

God would not point out such a thing if it were not possible to maintain some level of humanity. Our hearts will, sometimes, get hard during difficulty. However, we don’t have to lose all hope.

We maintain hope by paying close attention to what God said. God said there was a time limit on Israel’s suffering. However, they had to be willing to endure that time. They had to depend on God’s grace to sustain them within that time. We tap in through prayer and meditation on God’s word to remind ourselves of God’s grace and strength carrying us through.

“But he said to me, “My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.” Therefore, I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ’s power may rest on me. 2 Corinthians 12:9-10”

We remain in a community that reminds us of what God has said. Remember that we make our way prosperous and have success through meditating on God’s word and speaking it out of our mouths. When we are weak, we’ll need another to hold us up. I wish I could say it works quickly, but we don’t know how long we’ll be required to go through. Just as God was faithful to Israel to keep his word—he’ll keep his word to us as well.

Exhausting Grace: An Eye for An Eye

“You have heard that it was said, ‘Eye for an eye, and tooth for tooth.’ But I tell you, do not resist an evil person. If anyone slaps you on the right cheek, turn to them the other cheek also.  And if anyone wants to sue you and take your shirt, hand over your coat as well. If anyone forces you to go one mile, go with them two miles.  Give to the one who asks you, and do not turn away from the one who wants to borrow from you.” – Matthew 5:38-42

Some don’t consider the idea of exhausting grace with others or even exhausting grace when it comes to God, because they take for granted the grace being offered to them. Taking for granted the grace offered is a form of disrespect. Some feel as though if someone is a believer our only recourse is to offer grace while enduring poor treatment from others. The truth is enduring poor treatment from others has an expiration date.

Those of us who follow God’s word are only human. We depend on God’s grace to endure, but there is a breaking point. The above scriptures are Jesus’ take on the law introduced below. Jesus was sharing with us that we need to exercise patience when dealing with difficult people. Exercising patience when dealing with people is a form of grace.

However, it is not a rule. Remember that grace is undeserved favor. This means it is an honor for someone to show grace. Grace isn’t shown when it’s deserved but underserved. It’s a covering for our faults not condemnation. It should not be taken for granted but received with humility and thankfulness.

What happens when someone rejects the grace being shown to them over and over again? They default back to the old system of the law which is below that says an eye for an eye and a tooth for a tooth:

“‘Anyone who takes the life of a human being is to be put to death.  Anyone who takes the life of someone’s animal must make restitution—life for life.  Anyone who injures their neighbor is to be injured in the same manner:  fracture for fracture, eye for eye, tooth for tooth. The one who has inflicted the injury must suffer the same injury.  Whoever kills an animal must make restitution, but whoever kills a human being is to be put to death.  You are to have the same law for the foreigner and the native-born. I am the Lord your God.’” – Leviticus 24:22

The above was a law given to Israel in the Old Testament by God to let mankind know that there will be consequences for one’s actions. That is what the law does. It regulates what is right and wrong and provides a framework of expectation to discourage unlawful behavior. The expectation should be consequences for our actions. However, Jesus wanted to introduce an additional concept as it relates to breaking the law. That concept is grace. Again, it’s undeserved favor:

For the law was given through Moses; grace and truth came through Jesus Christ.” – John 1:17

The initial scriptures above in Matthew require us to mirror the same example of Jesus Christ. However, does this relegate us as believers to a life of putting up with abusive people when we run into people who both reject the law and reject the grace we are offering them in place of them breaking the law or pushing our boundaries? No! It does not. If we are to follow Christ’s example in showing grace to others, we need to look at further Biblical examples of those who push the limits of God’s grace and the law.

Unfortunately, some who are not mature will take the concept of loving our enemies and being kind and graceful to others as if we relinquish all of our personal needs to pacify others. Needs like safety, peace of mind, and mutual respect from others we interact with. It isn’t possible to relinquish those needs. We should either cut people off who cross our boundaries ignoring those most basic needs or deal with them according to the law.

God gave us these needs for a reason and we should be careful to be aware of them when someone is taking our grace for granted. Then, we can put boundaries in place and relinquish people back to the only option they have when pushing the goodness of our grace and kindness shown to them. That is the law. Below are some Biblical examples of God allowing people to be relegated back to the law.

Ex. 1:

“Listen to another parable: There was a landowner who planted a vineyard. He put a wall around it, dug a winepress in it, and built a watchtower. Then he rented the vineyard to some farmers and moved to another place. When the harvest time approached, he sent his servants to the tenants to collect his fruit. The tenants seized his servants; they beat one, killed another, and stoned a third. Then he sent other servants to them, more than the first time, and the tenants treated them the same way. 

Last of all, he sent his son to them. ‘They will respect my son,’ he said. But when the tenants saw the son, they said to each other, ‘This is the heir. Come, let’s kill him and take his inheritance.’ So, they took him and threw him out of the vineyard and killed him. “Therefore, when the owner of the vineyard comes, what will he do to those tenants? He will bring those wretches to a wretched end,” they replied, “and he will rent the vineyard to other tenants, who will give him his share of the crop at harvest time.” – Matthew 21:33-41

This is the same Jesus who gave us to show our neighbors grace. He is speaking to us of people that he entrusted with what was good—a farm. Instead of respecting the fact that they’d been trusted with something they did not deserve; they took for granted God’s grace. They had no respect not appreciating what they were given. God gave them servants and raised the ranks in finally sending his son, who was also taken for granted being killed. The result of those men who’d taken God’s grace for granted was death and the loss of what was entrusted to them. Instead, it was given to someone else who would appreciate it.

Of course, this is a picture of the gospel. God sent prophets in the Old Testament and John the Baptist in the New Testament. He finally sent his son Jesus, who was killed. Salvation is not only for those whom Christ was sent—the Jews, but for all who believe. Those who believe are those who appreciate it and respect it. This example is clear in showing us it doesn’t pay to disrespect God’s grace—his undeserved favor in not destroying us even though we deserve it. However, because those in the parable continued to disrespect God and take his grace for granted; they were destroyed. They were relinquished back to the original law—an eye for an eye and a tooth for a tooth. Instead of being covered by God’s goodness; they were destroyed.

Likewise, those who continue to treat others with disrespect will face a similar outcome. This is why it’s so important for all of us to humble ourselves and take accountability.

Ex #2:

How shall we escape, if we neglect so great salvation; which at the first began to be spoken by the Lord, and was confirmed unto us by them that heard him; – Hebrews 2:3

If we deliberately keep on sinning after we have received the knowledge of the truth, no sacrifice for sins is left, but only a fearful expectation of judgment and of raging fire that will consume the enemies of God. – Hebrews 10:26-27

God is speaking about the gift of salvation and warning people not to harden their hearts against God taking his grace for granted. When we continue in sin our expectation should not be continued grace. It should be judgment. There are so many more references to this in the scripture where Christ and God can almost seem in opposition toward one another if we don’t understand that God is not a one-sided God of only grace or only judgment.

He is a God of both grace and judgment. We are made in God’s image commanded to reflect Christ in the earth. As we reflect Christ’s image, we display God’s grace to others and when necessary God’s judgement, but we must not take the law into our own hands. That is not an authority we have. Scripture warns us to strive according to the law when we have to strive.

“And if a man also strives for masteries, yet is he not crowned, except he strives lawfully.”- 2 Timothy 2:5

So, the above scripture is speaking of more of an Olympic-type race and how something of that sort has to be done according to the rules of the game. Even more importantly, when we are striving for justice as relief from someone’s disrespectful behavior; it must be done in respect to the laws of the land and the laws of God.

When we operate outside of the law, we place ourselves in a compromised position. This is why God warns us about allowing revenge to grow in our hearts. Vengeance according to God’s word should be left up to God. He will repay.

In the meantime, we have to stick to guarding our hearts. We guard our hearts by continuing to operate in love and Godly character while pursuing our rights within the law when applicable and necessary. This doesn’t mean we will not be angry. There are many instances of God being angry at his people. We want to be angry but avoid sin. Rehearsing the Word of God helps us to do that. Commands from the scripture below come in handy:

1. Love your enemies.

2. Bless those who curse you.

3. Do good to those who hate you.

4. Pray for them that despitefully use you and persecute you.

All of the above can be done while putting up boundaries and protecting yourself within your rights under the law. When you pray for your enemies or those who seek to use you—you begin to develop a heart of compassion toward them. This protects us from a heart of vengeance.

Some young people operate in a way that is naturally disrespectful because they have not learned yet that there are only three responses that someone can get from consistent disrespect:

1. A boundary from the person being disrespected

2. The law such as someone suing or making a complaint with local police.

3. The disrespected taking the law into their own hands.

Just because someone is a Christian doesn’t mean they cannot or will not respond in either of the above three ways. We are all human. There is a lot of stress that people are under. Finally, people make mistakes. It’s best not to try people by intentionally being disrespectful. People don’t always come back from number 3. We should all try to live as peaceably with one another as possible.

The next time someone uses the Word of God to seek to abuse you verbally or mentally—keep this thought well in your mind that grace can be exhausted and the only thing left after rejecting grace is the law. Pursue processes according to the law to relieve yourself from the abusive disrespect of others. Allow those who have the authority to execute judgment to do so. This protects you and allows the other person to face the consequences for his/her actions. God does not relegate his sons and daughters to a life of abuse from disrespectful people.

If you’re watching Season 8’s Ready to Love then you are well aware of the recent blow-up between Jessica and Chris. Chris seemed like a good guy since the show began but episode 10 had his emotions flaring in not the best light.

My synopsis of the events that took place is that Chris and Jessica are from two different cultural backgrounds. They aren’t a good fit and both were wrong in their most recent transaction. Chris shared in various interviews, that women are to be protected, cared for, and cherished in his culture.

However, many African-American women do not get to experience that. Many African-American women have learned to protect themselves as we often aren’t seen as soft, feminine, or worthy of protection or love by men who look like us.

Whether we are combative or not, we get a bill for being combative simply because we are Black and single. The assumption is if you are a Black woman and single at a certain age; it’s because you fit one of the many stereotypes that we are seen as instead of being seen as individuals who are worthy of love and protection.

When women don’t have the tools to deal with the negative climates that we will experience as Black women; we become hardened and begin to self-protect. That often looks like pride and lack of vulnerability. This is where I believe Jessica erred. I did not see it before episode 10—the hardness and lack of vulnerability. But oh, did it come out on episode 10! I said to myself—this is what Chris has been talking about all along.

Jessica’s words to Chris below:

“The word combative was extremely off-putting and inappropriate.” “At what point did you feel disrespected? (rolling eyes.)”

The tone behind these words along with the words essentially disqualified Chris’ POV without letting him in as to why. It can come across as if she is speaking to a child and is very dismissive. I get it. Jessica was done and hurt. Her staunch attitude would in no way allow Chris in. Ladies, if this is what we are presenting to men; of course, we will not be seen as soft, vulnerable, or open for love.

Men need an in-road into our lives to see our vulnerabilities so they can help with what concerns us. That’s what men love to do. They love to take on the challenge of saving a woman. Not that we are in desperate need of saving, but we need the love that good men have to give.
A better way for Jessica to have communicated with Chris about the combative situation could have been to share with Chris why saying she was combative was so hurtful to her by sharing the history of how Black women are viewed without a chance to be known.

Secondly, she could have shared how it made her feel. This takes vulnerability. Vulnerability also requires a level of trust that the person we are being vulnerable with will protect our hearts as we are attempting to protect our hearts and theirs as well.

This is the second issue with both Jessica and Chris. They are acting as every man for himself. They both are protecting themselves instead of protecting one another. This happens all too often in male/female relationships. Men seek to protect only themselves and women only themselves and in doing so the relationship that could have budded becomes none existent.

Chris looked nervous since Sierra was eliminated. He was dishonest in owning that he’d called Jessica combative. He continued to say he had not said that of her even in their final discussion. His conversation as the episode went on continued to be to protect himself and his image and not Jessica.

It’s almost as if she did not matter to him as long as they weren’t together. I agree Jessica and Chris were not good for each other. They were not a good match. However, there is still a responsibility we have in dealing with human beings to treat one another with respect and value. We don’t have to devalue others because we don’t agree with them or desire them for ourselves.

In Chris and Jessica’s exchange, Chris could have been the bigger person and decided to be loving toward Jessica despite her coldness toward him. We know that men have an innate need for respect and women, love. We cannot say as women, we’ll only respect a man when it’s easy or a man should only love a woman when it is easy. We have to practice respect and love for one another in the difficult exchanges of disagreement and breaking up.

Bitterness is the natural result of unhealed hurt. Something that if Jessica isn’t careful, she can very easily walk in after this exchange. I wrote in my first book, how bitterness is like holding up our hands in the form of an X. We cannot allow love in or out.

When bitter, we isolate ourselves to avoid the same types of exchanges again and again. However, not healing will attract those very same experiences. I’d recommend that Jessica and anyone in her shoes, who is hurt and finds it hard to be vulnerable go to therapy, pray, journal, and heal. So, your hands and your heart can become open again to receive love.

I still believe Chris is a good guy, but I believe he needs to take ownership of not handling that the best way as well as his dishonesty to try to protect how he is perceived. Screw how we are perceived. We are human and all of us make mistakes. It’s taking ownership, learning, and growing from the mistakes that count.

Finally, as singles, we have to learn to guard our hearts in a healthy way that allows us to remain open. Both men and women need to take inventory of how we guard our hearts and the hearts of others in our journeys to find love.

Last month’s single’s virtual meetup featured me teaching on Holiness & Freedom from Sexual sin. I began by discussing what is holiness. Many of us have been taught holiness in the wrong way. However, it is simply to be set apart. It has two very pertinent benefits. It allows us to see God in a unique and intimate way and it allows us to reflect God’s image in the earth.

Holiness is a result of the process of sanctification. Sanctification is the act of God’s word washing us from our old lifestyle into the image of Christ through God’s word. This draws others unto the Lord to be saved and transformed as well.

Finally, we discussed how God is for us and not against us. He isn’t counting how many times we messed up to disqualify us. Instead, his grace is more toward us. Like a parent’s grace and support is toward a child learning to ride a bike. The parent is patient enough with the child until the child is able to mature and ride the bike on his/her own. God helps us in walking in holiness and it cannot be practiced without his help.

We learned it’s a good thing to come face to face with our weaknesses because he leads us to the path of God’s strength.

Watch the video below and share your thoughts in the comments:

 Also, feel free to join our group Single’s Living for Christ to participate in future teachings. Visit my store for singles here: Courses & Books for Singles