Last month’s single’s virtual meetup featured me teaching on Holiness & Freedom from Sexual sin. I began by discussing what is holiness. Many of us have been taught holiness in the wrong way. However, it is simply to be set apart. It has two very pertinent benefits. It allows us to see God in a unique and intimate way and it allows us to reflect God’s image in the earth.

Holiness is a result of the process of sanctification. Sanctification is the act of God’s word washing us from our old lifestyle into the image of Christ through God’s word. This draws others unto the Lord to be saved and transformed as well.

Finally, we discussed how God is for us and not against us. He isn’t counting how many times we messed up to disqualify us. Instead, his grace is more toward us. Like a parent’s grace and support is toward a child learning to ride a bike. The parent is patient enough with the child until the child is able to mature and ride the bike on his/her own. God helps us in walking in holiness and it cannot be practiced without his help.

We learned it’s a good thing to come face to face with our weaknesses because he leads us to the path of God’s strength.

Watch the video below and share your thoughts in the comments:

 Also, feel free to join our group Single’s Living for Christ to participate in future teachings. Visit my store for singles here: Courses & Books for Singles

When You Feel Dropped by the Lord

Have you ever gone through a season where you felt dropped by the Lord? If you have not you will. It’s only a part of life, especially for those who seek God with their whole heart. We acknowledge God in all of our decision-making rejoicing in his goodness. Then, life happens. Not just once but again and again in a row. All the while, God is hidden and his voice sparse.

If we live on every word that proceeds from God’s mouth and God’s voice is faint; how do we proceed to live? We wait while we seek the Lord to renew our strength like Job. We also pay attention to God’s sparse voice in the wilderness season. Sparseness doesn’t mean, nothing at all. It’s just much less than what we are used to (Psalms 23:2.) It’s what we need right now.

I love God so much for including the story of Job in the Bible. He is someone who had a history of walking with the Lord in righteousness. So much so, that he, like many of us who love the Lord, was willing to endure the pain. The pain of suffering in righteousness without dishonoring the Lord. All the while, he trusted that the suffering would come to an end.

Job was Honest w/God & Others About How He Felt Dropped by the Lord

He felt dropped by the Lord. He felt that God was against him somehow. He was confused trying to figure out how his life flipped upside down from what it used to be.

“How I long for the months gone by, for the days when God watched over me when his lamp shone on my head and by his light I walked through darkness! Oh, for the days when I was in my prime when God’s intimate friendship blessed my house when the Almighty was still with me and my children were around me. – Job 29:2-5”

I don’t know Job’s age at the time of this suffering, but he’d had some history with the Lord. One of the things that happens when we have a history with the Lord is after several trials and tests—we get tired. In our tiredness, we realize we aren’t where we were. We live in a place of loss as if walking with the Lord was then. And now, we don’t know where we are or if God is still with us. Job was honest about these feelings.

I believe God allowed this to be in his word to remind us to be honest with him during the in-between place where we feel dropped by the Lord. The place where we aren’t sure if God is still with us. It’s our honesty with God that invites him in to bring correction to us allowing us to get to the place he is taking us. All while eventually having the correct perception of God and ourselves.

During the In-Between Place of Suffering, Our Vision Gets Skewed

Job’s vision got skewed as he no longer saw God as a God of justice. He began to question the goodness of God. My vision of God had gotten skewed not long ago. I’ve experienced a lot of suffering in my life. Much of the suffering I’ve experienced has been in my mind and emotions. Therefore, no one could help me unless I invited them in. Even while inviting others in—I was unable to get the needed help from some as counselors and such had not been familiar with my experiences. Because of this, I looked at God primarily as someone who sustains us in hardship and suffering.

However, God is much more than just a sustainer in hardship. Although, he is that.

There is nothing worse than believing God is against you because if we do not have anyone else in this world—we expect to have God. It’s hard to maintain hope when we feel there is no support. We see Job, like us, at times, longing for his death or to have never been born for relief. Even in Job’s confusion, he held fast to his faith that God is still good and he would come out of this if he could just get to God. The vacillation in Job’s multiple views of God is much like ours during difficulty.

This is encouragement for us that when we feel our relationship with God is broken—we should still pursue and cry out to God. We should still maintain hope that God’s answer will come restoring us back to ourselves and God. And even though Job’s friends were wrong, it was nice that they came to sit with him. We should still value ourselves in that difficult place enough to know we are worthy of others checking in on us.

Job Longed for God. He Longed to Worship Him.

Job spoke in the above passage about knowing God intimately. That is significant of a life of worship. Something difficult to do when weighted down with the grief of loss over where we were before. Have you ever been in a place where you found it difficult to worship God due to the challenges of life? I have. I remember being in a place reading scripture and not being able to understand it. It said the below:

“You open your hand and satisfy the desires of every living thing. – Ps 145:16”

I could not understand the above scripture during my suffering. I asked God what does that mean? Am I reading the wrong interpretation of your scripture? I only know you as the God who keeps me during suffering. You provide for me. I am not lacking, but I feel like I know you the most as a God who helps me to continue to live right while suffering. I am not familiar with you satisfying my desires. I am familiar with dying to myself and my desires. This is an example of a skewed vision of God due to our experiences.

Yes, we have to die to our flesh, but the hope of God’s promises toward us is not to die during the suffering. The clearer we get in viewing God; the easier it will be to worship God as worship is an act of intimacy relating to the revelation of who God is.

Getting Back to a Place of Worship After Feeling Dropped by the Lord

The children of Israel had been in bondage for 70 years, exiled from their nation—the nation of Israel. They’d longed for the security of being in that intimate place of worship with the Lord. Hence, the perseverance displayed by Nehemiah, Ezra, Zerubbabel, and other Israelites in the rebuilding of the temple.

When they finished rebuilding the place of worship that God led them to build; they sang to the Lord saying, “He is good; his love toward Israel endures forever.” The exiled Israelites, like Job, had experienced feeling far from the Lord and again restored. That place of worship bought them back to seeing God correctly as not a God who abandoned them in exile, but a God whose love toward them continues.

They had points of discouragement, but they had to continue in obedience to build. When the foundation of the temple was lain, the people rejoiced and began to praise God. It was noted that the elders wept loudly, but the weeping could not be distinguished from the shouts of joy from the younger generation. I believe this is because God was bringing Israel back to a place of worship unto himself. This place of worship and communion with God is something the elders felt they had lost. Thus, the answer of worshipping again at the new temple met the deep longing they’d worried over in their hearts. God was revealing himself again to the elders and the younger generation alike. This was God’s way of saying you have not been counted out. I have not dropped you to the elders. I still love you.

Job Returns to Worship

We see, in Job 42, Job finally gets his meeting with the Lord and his response is humility and repentance for the skewed view of God. In the end, the latter days of Job were more blessed than the former. What Job felt he’d lost due to his suffering was not lost at all.

What can we learn from this?

Take our honest feelings and skewed perceptions of God to God. Don’t teach them to other people making them as confused as we are. We all will go through various challenges where we feel apart from God. It can feel as if we are starting all over again with God despite our vast history with him. Remain humble and see this process to the end. Trust that God will lead you with his word even though it is sparse when in a wilderness experience. We can trust that in the wilderness God will lead us beside green pastures. Green pastures represent the sustenance we need right now.

Green pastures are sparse in the wilderness. These are things that can sustain us while in a dry place. Green pastures are sustenance for sheep that abide in the wilderness. Figurative of us as God’s sheep and he the Good Shepherd, who while quiet much, still guides us in the wilderness. We will have to trust this. It’s always God’s will to draw us near to him. Like God, defended Job from his friends who falsely accused him of sin; God will defend us.

Read Isaiah 45 again and again for encouragement. It shares a prophecy about how God had planned way before Israel had gone into exile for them to be delivered out of exile and bought back into their land and a place of worship by God using King Cyrus. Vs. 15 shares how God was viewed as a God who hid himself but God came out in full glory to deliver Israel and declare them as his. Israel is a metaphor for the church. And we belong to God still. We are not dropped by the Lord.

Flewed Out. What does this term mean? It’s a trending term in dating. People who are seeking to date who live in different states fly out to meet one another. Getting flewed out normally means the gentleman flies the girl out covering her expenses. The reality is we better know who is asking us to be flown out. We don’t want to get into a scenario with a guy feeling as though he’s spent all of this money on us and; now, we owe him our bodies. There isn’t enough money in the world to buy self-respect.

Being a girl who is serious about honoring God; I’d never experienced being approached to be flown out. I think sometimes, as women of God, who have not had certain experiences—we assume those experiences are only for other girls. Not us. However, in the right scenario, being flown out may be appropriate. Other times it may not.

As women, it is our responsibility to make the healthiest decisions for ourselves protecting ourselves from those who may have ill will or not share our values. This is where discernment will come in. Dating healthily first deals with a healthy view of ourselves. This healthy view of ourselves comes from our relationship with God, Also, seeing ourselves the way God sees us. We learn to love ourselves.

Loving Ourselves Will Help When Considering Taking a Gentleman Up on Being Flewed Out or Not

When we love ourselves. We consider how we will be affected by being flown out. Will we be protected? Do we feel the person is trustworthy enough? What are the parameters that will be set in place to protect the purity of the relationship to honor God? We aren’t objects auctioning ourselves off to be bought. We are sober women full of wisdom, honor, integrity, and grace. We can upgrade a man’s whole world just by being ourselves. When we love ourselves we are relaxed in our worth and clearly communicate our boundaries. On the contrary, a girl who is looking to have her worth validated by being approached to be flewed out is setting herself up to be used. We never want to look to a man or his riches to validate us. We can look to our safe community of support and God for those things.

Moving to Fast Without Allowing Trust to be Built Through Communication

I’m going to just share the scenario of what happened during my recent invitation to be flewed out. I met a gentleman on the new Holy app. He seemed quite anxious about wanting to meet me after not even having an initial conversation yet. I recommend when meeting someone online to have video chats to see one another and get a feel for the person’s mindset. It’s a red flag when someone moves so fast that they don’t even care about a potential’s mindset.

We texted briefly saying things like how is your day? The next line from him was a suggestion that I move to where he was in Pennsylvania if we get along well. Okay, so the guy likes the way I look is all I could think. He hasn’t even gotten to get to know me yet and he’s talking moving potentially.

We exchanged Google numbers and I discussed how I felt uncomfortable at the pace he was moving. He was shooting off questions about me dating him for marriage in the first conversation. I shared how dating is an exploration process for me to see if I even want to consider marrying someone. I cannot assume that upfront meeting a man cold.

The Importance of Boundaries in Being Flewed Out

We agreed to the idea of not dating exclusively until we got to know one another and both agreed to the decision of which we’d communicate at that time. We continued to have a great conversation sharing what each other’s idea of family life would look like, where we’re from, and our upbringing among other things.

Of course, we want to meet in person to make sure we look like our pictures and there is no cat-fishing going on. Something, we may not have to worry about on the Holy app as they require 3 real-time selfies to prove identity.

Still anxious at meeting, the gentleman said let’s do this. He invited me to come out to meet him. I shared I’d just gotten back from Jamaica and needed to rebuild my travel budget. He said not to worry about that. He’d take care of everything. He works as an electrical engineer and makes plenty of money.

Of course, I had to ask about the boundaries. He said he’d pick me up from the airport and cook a Nigerian meal for me. How romantic, but he is still a stranger. Because I value myself, I am not comfortable getting into a stranger’s car.

If the leader in our relationship doesn’t know how to set boundaries as a single man; How will he set boundaries after marriage with those who wish to come in between our relationship?

I simply asked him what boundaries he has in place to protect the purity of our relationship and honor God. His response was I don’t know what you mean. I asked the same question again making it clearer. He said, “This is not about sex. I don’t even think about sex.” When a man tells you he doesn’t think about sex, he’s lying. Everyone thinks about sex. It’s natural and normal. As believers, we simply practice boundaries in our relationships because we fear God. When we fear God, he gives us wisdom and knowledge in various situations.

I felt like talking with the gentleman was like a commercial to sell me the idea of flying out to meet with him for a rendezvous. I shared that I think he is looking for a different type of girl. He said he thinks I’m looking for a different type of man. I said yes. I need a man already practicing healthy boundaries so when we get together; we’re like a team walking it out. That was the end of our conversation.

In short, when someone makes you feel uncomfortable by moving too fast, doesn’t practice healthy boundaries in their own life already, and lacks the same values that you have; being flewed out by them should be rejected.

There will be other opportunities to meet someone long-distance or local. If you meet someone else long-distance who shares your values; there are ways to be flewed out and have boundaries in place that are agreed upon by both parties to honor God. See the video below by a couple who met online in different states. They traveled to see one another and maintained the purity of the relationship while doing so.

Start video at 26:54 and again at 52:21:

 Women of God, you are worthy of being flewed out and more. Just not at the expense of your self-respect and healthy boundaries. We have the responsibility in making that choice. Have conversations with gentlemen to get to know where their head is. Eventually, the truth will come to light. It always does.

“For there is nothing hidden that will not be disclosed, and nothing concealed that will not be known or brought out into the open. – Luke 8:17”

You can set up video calls on apps such as Zoom, Microsoft Teams, FB Messenger, or Instagram Messenger. Use safer ways to get to know someone and build trust and then agree to meet with proper boundaries in place.

Remember there is no straight line of an appropriate boundary across the board except things shared in God’s word like abstinence until marriage. The boundary that worked for Mary, in the video, and her spouse may not work for you. You have to get to know yourself and your unique triggers. When you recognize a trigger, place a boundary there. It helps to have the person you are dating on the same page as they can help you with setting boundaries together for the greater good of the relationship. 

Join our Single’s Community, ‘Single’s Living for Christ.” Click link.

Did you know attraction starts with an emotional connection that comes from vulnerability? Often the best relationships are built from friendship which is the best breeding ground for this type of vulnerability. This may provide some encouragement to talk to the guy you do not have an initial attraction toward or vice versa with the fellas as a friend only. Often as we get to know things about a person and are comfortable enough to share our vulnerabilities and insecurities; this is when attraction grows.

If we see gentlemen as brothers initially and women as sisters that fosters an environment where friendships can be created and our networks can be broadened despite the idea of attraction. Many people meet the loves of their lives through introductions from their growing networks.

What if a guy asks a girl out but she isn’t attracted to him? Should she decline or wait around as his friend to see if an attraction grows? Sheila shared if there is something that interests you about the gentleman, use that as an opportunity to get to know him as a friend and grow your network. There is nothing wrong with exploring someone as a friend. These are just a few of the awesome tips Sheila Gregoire shared with our singles group, “Singles Living for Christ.“

She also touched on Attachment styles and some things to look out for if you feel as though you only want to be in a relationship with that being all that you focus on. This can be dangerous and point toward one of the attachment styles. Here is more in the video below and join our Facebook group to participate in future discussions.

Also, please, support Sheila’s new book, “She Deserves Better.” Her book corrects a lot of misteaching in the church toward young girls and women that can make them more prone to things like abuse. Sheila also has an awesome blog, “Bare Marriage.” This blog helps women understand their bodies and encourages married women to enjoy sex with their husbands.

 

Single Christians Revamp Your Social Life

It’s a new day for single believers. Can you feel it? I was praying this past week and it dawned on me that I am not in the same place. Well, Russelyn, just what do you mean you may ask. Having been single for many years I’ve experienced some ups and downs in life—that hit differently when you’re single. Life as a single has allowed me to experience depression, questioning myself, things, and people, but that day is over.

All I see are opportunities. These aren’t the same opportunities I used to write about. These opportunities are new. While I am appreciating all of the gifts of singleness: Getting up and going when I like, not having small children to look after, or having time for my passions. I’m appreciating the joy of being open and the result of meeting new people with no requirement for commitment until I know in my heart it is it.

There has been much practical wisdom missing for singles who desire to please God. Important wisdom like it’s okay to date. However, you need to know who you are and have boundaries unique to you and your values in place. With these things in place along with our foundation in Christ and seeking to please him first—we cannot lose.

We allow God to direct our paths as his word promises while simply enjoying where we are in life. I was listening to the audiobook, “Attached.” I noted a story of a gentleman who had not had a lot of dating experience. A girl he was getting to know asked him, “You aren’t worried that you’ll never be married?” His response was no. I just figured—it will happen when it is supposed to and it did for him.

This is my attitude. I am not anxious or worried. I am enjoying the joy of each day as I have a right to do because God gave it to me. When I get up in the morning, I thank the Lord because this is the day he has made and I will rejoice and be glad in it. I own that as a single woman. This is my attitude. I’ve experienced major loss and the fact that God has allowed me to still be here means I need to be committed to appreciating his gifts and taking full advantage.

Now that we’ve discussed the right mindset for single believers being social; let’s talk about how to be social. Our expectation remains in the Lord to provide our spouse to us. As we do not know where he will come from; we put ourselves in social environments. Below are some of the tools I use.

Match.com

Match.com is an awesome tool to be social. Yes, it’s a dating app, but more than that. They have local events in your city to meet people. From cooking classes to mountain climbing, paddle boarding activities, speed dating, and mixers to more. If you don’t want the pressure of a date but still want to be in co-ed environments, Match.com is a great way to do so. In addition to local events, Match partners with travel companies for trips. I’ve seen trips to Alaska, the Caribbean, a single’s cruise, and more. If you are single, this is super fun to simply put yourself out there in fun ways.

Travel Groups

Party of one traveling? No biggie. Find a travel group that has similar values. Recently, I took a trip to Jamaica and had an absolute ball. It was nice to be around some masculine energy as well. Get this, I felt so safe. This is what we need as singles to be reminded that we are not alone. There are others just like us who desire genuine love while honoring God at the same time.

I encourage you to find your crew. Listen to podcasts that share similar values as you. If/When they host group trips, go. You can start preparing by saving a travel budget. You know for work I am a HUD certified Homeownership counselor and financial counselor. So, I’m always helping people with the budget to do the things they desire. There isn’t anything you cannot do when you prepare your budget for it. Start putting a specific amount away each month to build up that travel budget.

HOLY DATING APP

The Holy app is a new app that started during the pandemic. It verifies if a person is a real person before anyone can join. I love that. I’ve had more gentlemen on that app willing to have conversations. The only downside I would say is there aren’t enough guys in my area on the app so I’ve had to extend it to 2,000 miles which means long-distance dating. If the conversations don’t hit like that, ain’t nobody getting on a plane. That’s a big investment when you’re not sure you want to get serious with someone. Anywho, it’s still worth a try. We never know if/when a match will turn out to be something.

DON’T UNDERESTIMATE THE GROCERY STORE RUNS OR MEETING SOMEONE IN PERSON

As a woman, who knows her worth, I must admit, it’s a bit easier for us women. We just have to look fly. Be confident, and smile while responding to a friendly gentleman in person. That’s when numbers are exchanged and the getting-to-know-you process begins.

I’ve had men buy me drinks going out to events by myself. A gentleman recently helped me bag my groceries and more. All from being friendly and approachable. The truth is we simply need to be ourselves. Walk in the love that’s inside of us to share.

Be open to meeting people with no expectations. A smile is not a commitment. An exchange of numbers is not a commitment. If we decide to go on a date—that isn’t a commitment. We; however, remain committed to ourselves to be open while maintaining our healthy boundaries.

Our healthy boundaries protect our values allowing us to meet our goal of honoring God. All of this, while meeting people. This places us in various social environments with others and we don’t know where it will lead to. However, as mentioned earlier, God will make our paths straight.

The experience of being social as singles is a fun and interesting ride—that will at the right time lead to a healthy marriage when we find the one who matches our values and goals for the future. Happy Single Life my beautiful people! Enjoy the revamped social life and feel free to share other social events and experiences we can take advantage of as singles. I know I left some things out like single’s conferences.

 

Why Would Women Listen to Derrick Jackson After Hearing How He Treated His Wife?

Dania Jackson came out last week sharing her side of what transpired between her and her husband Derrick Jackson. She shared details from the beginning all the way until now. The lingering question after listening to the details of Dania Jackson is why are women still following and listening to Derrick Jackson after finding out he is a fraud? I’m not going to pretend to have all of the answers because I don’t. However, could it be because the need for the truth is so great?

While Derrick Jackson may not have practiced his advice on how to treat women; much of the advice that I’ve heard from him was true. In a world where women face many difficulties from misogynistic teachings to Black women being stereotyped into being only one type of woman by viral YouTube hosts.

Women may be looking for safe spaces to just be. Overlooking the person providing the information may be something that women are deciding to do. Just like many overlooked the brokenness that followed viral YouTube host, Kevin Samuels.

It’s not very much different. People will choose to listen to what they feel is feeding their needs. That doesn’t make it right, however. Listening to a man preach one thing and practice another can feed into the lie that men are just one particular way. This isn’t true and harmful to a woman’s faith who is believing in God for more in her life.

I’d recommend doing what his wife Dania did. She shared she has unfollowed all of his social media. Doing so will allow her to put the past behind her quicker as she works through her healing process. It’s very important as single women desiring healthy marriage that we guard what we believe about men in general. If we allow ourselves to only focus on the negative experiences with men; we can train ourselves to believe that is all there is.

We open the door to confirmation bias, which is where we continue to have experiences based on what we believe. If we desire more for ourselves; we have to place more healthier examples before our eyes. Meditating on things, people, and relationships that are in line with the word of God will help us to see that those examples are possible.

Meanwhile, we take the wisdom from the unhealthy examples and move on. What can we take from Dania and Derrick Jackson’s example? We can look at what drew Dania to the relationship and avoid following the same pitfall. We can be honest with ourselves by dealing with our trauma, ideas, and mindsets that are not in line with a healthy God-fearing woman. Finally, we can take responsibility to make better choices as we become healthier women. Join Singles Living For Christ Facebook Group for a healthy safe space for single men and women.

This is the journey Dania is on at this moment. She’s already come a long way. Watch Dania’s interviews below:

 

Feel free to share your thoughts below:

Positioning Yourself Vs. Pursuing: What’s the Difference?

Lessons learned in extended singleness help us to become more settled in resting in ourselves, our worth, and our overall value as women. One of the nicest lessons to learn is that when a mature man sees your value; he will do whatever is necessary to win you over.

This is a lesson often shared but too rarely experienced among single women of God desiring marriage. We trust God, pop in and out of networks, travel, join small groups, visit various churches, try online dating—so many different things to be found by a man who values us. After years of this and coming up short, we scratch our heads asking why have we not yet experienced this for ourselves.

If we aren’t careful, we’ll start to believe we aren’t worthy. I want to encourage readers to see that we are worthy and this wisdom is true whether we’ve experienced it for ourselves or not. At the right time, we will experience this. However, we have to maintain our confidence, worth, and value despite, keeping on walking in a way where we are willing to position ourselves. Positioning ourselves deals with an inner heart posture of readiness and openness. It also means being in the mix where the people are. Whether it’s social media, single’s events, or travel groups.

Positioning Ourselves with an Inner Heart Posture of Readiness

This means maintaining a heart of hope, faith, joy, expectation, and openness. Our hearts aren’t distracted by wrong thinking that has become a stronghold within our perceptions. Things like bitterness, unforgiveness, unbelief, stereotypes, and more can be distractions that keep us from being in a position of being found.

We will need to work through these feelings, perceptions, and disappointed expectations with the Lord and possibly a trusted confidant whether a therapist or friend to have our hearts clear and open again. I discuss these in much more detail in my coaching program for Single Christian women desiring marriage. Subscribe to our email list for a free anti-anxiety prayer guide and a link to a free dating course that helps with practicing discernment.

Once all is clear, we’ll need to get outside while maintaining clarity of heart and mind

Walking with a healthy view of ourselves and what we are worthy of is an everyday process. We don’t stop renewing our minds after we feel better once, but we continue to renew our minds daily. Positioning ourselves around men who can see our value will start with openness.

Why not start being open to getting to know a guy who shows interest in you and you have a hunch that his character may be good but there is no initial attraction? Do you know how attraction works for you? Are you the type to only entertain conversations with your type and you write off the ones who aren’t? I’m not talking about guys who are repulsive to you. I’m talking about guys who don’t look bad to you but don’t look good either. You never know. An attraction may naturally grow.

If you are too shy to go out with him immediately; connect with him on social media. You may find that the two of you have more in common than you thought. You could have missed all of that because there was no attraction initially. Join our Facebook group for details on a discussion on how attraction works for women.

Getting Outside

Go to the places that you enjoy. Do you like live music? Hit up a Jazz club or a music venue that serves food. These are nice environments to meet people. City Winery is a nice live music venue that serves food. One time, I booked a seat at a table across from another person because I did not want to sit alone. You don’t know who will be there until you get there. When I arrived, a single brother sat across from me and two other gentlemen at the table. The guy just across from me bought me a drink.

He was very friendly although not seeking to enter a relationship—he had been divorced from a 20-year marriage. He wanted to simply enjoy being single again. Although, the friendly outing did not lead to any romantic relationship—it was nice to enjoy being treated like a lady.

These experiences are small reminders that we are worth it. We speak a lot about Boaz, who did what was necessary to win Ruth. But first, Boaz had to become aware that Ruth existed. Don’t become discouraged in putting yourself out there because you may have given a guy a hint that he did not run with. He just wasn’t for you. Continue to do the things that remind you you’re worthy and keep positioning yourself until you have that experience like Ruth.

Pursuing looks like
Pursuing is continuing to position yourself in proximity to a man who has made it clear he isn’t interested. Men have their ways of showing disinterest. Sometimes, they pretend as if they are interested because they like the attention. However, they do not take any concrete steps to further a relationship. They may give no verbal response at all. There’s the saying, no response is a response.

As women, our energy changes when we pursue a man. We get into a mindset of having to prove ourselves to them. Instead of us just being women and realizing that is enough. Our worth goes down in our eyes and the eyes of the one we are pursuing. This is very dangerous for women. If we notice this within ourselves; we should cut off all contact with the gentleman we are tempted to pursue.

We will need to get back into our feminine energy of realizing that we are enough. We are an answer to the right man. And the right man will value us. We deserve to be pursued and not the other way around.

Singles, What is Your Attitude in the Holding Pattern of Singleness?

Singles that have been single for long periods can begin to wane tired and anxious from being in the holding pattern of singleness. When we become tired and anxious, we don’t always make the best decisions. We can even become more vulnerable to unhealthy things we’d never consider.

I’m currently reading the Bible within a year and am in the book of 1 Samuel. Things are being highlighted to me that I did not realize before and it’s helping me to maintain a good perspective in my holding pattern of singleness.

1 Samuel shares the story of Saul and David. Saul and David were both in holding patterns. Both had received promises from God. Saul’s promise was that the kingdom would be snatched from him. David’s promise was that he would be king.

David had his own battles to fight. Like many singles, David lived as a nomad. He did not really have a place to call home. Instead, he ran from place to place hiding in caves, deserts, and even among the enemies of Israel—the Philistines.

Have you ever felt like you were a bit of a nomad as a single believer? You join one community to have a place of belonging—and that place is up. You have to find another. This is how David lived for years. During this time, he kept the promise of God before him.

When he would forget about God’s promise, God would send others to remind him. It helps when we are in a holding pattern to remain in a place of thankfulness as David, be strengthened by those who are believing with us, and continue to humble ourselves remaining in the faith.

Remaining Thankful in the Holding Pattern of Singleness

Let’s start with Saul, who even though God’s anointing as king had left him; he had so many reasons to be thankful. First, the kingdom was not immediately taken away from him. He was gifted by God to continue to be king for an entire 42 years. This means he did not have to give up being king until his death at age 72. That’s almost an entire lifetime of enjoying the privilege of serving God’s people Israel as king.

During that span, he got to meet his successor, David. David honored Saul as a father. Even though God’s anointing as the king had left Saul—his covenant of mercy was still with him. His son, Johnathan, and two of his other sons were also faithful to their father, Saul, unto death.

Yet, through all of these good things that happened to Saul—he allowed his heart to become hardened and his judgment to be cloudy down to the similitude of a madman in his attempt to kill David.

David’s response was that of thankfulness. He was grateful to become the son-in-law to the king—at first, seeing himself as too small in his eyes for such a position. He continued in thankfulness and humility asking for help whenever needed.

Singles Can be Strengthened by those believing with us in the holding pattern of Singleness

In his asking for help and even faintness of heart, at times. He would always be strengthened by others who believed God with him. The priest Abiathar assisted him with bread for him and his men. David quickly became a leader and others who were outcasted began to follow him. He could not afford to lose it completed because God gave him an assignment in his waiting to lead other men like himself.

Johnathan came to him several times strengthening him and reminding him that God promised him he’d be king. It certainly did not look like it at so many points in David’s life—but it was still to come to pass.

“Don’t be afraid,” he said. “My father Saul will not lay a hand on you. You will be king over Israel, and I will be second to you. Even my father Saul knows this.” – 1 Samuel 23:17

Abigail, David’s 3rd wife, while still married to Nabal, reminded David that God would make him king:

“Please forgive your servant’s presumption. The Lord your God will certainly make a lasting dynasty for my lord, because you fight the Lord’s battles, and no wrongdoing will be found in you as long as you live.  Even though someone is pursuing you to take your life, the life of my lord will be bound securely in the bundle of the living by the Lord your God, but the lives of your enemies he will hurl away as from the pocket of a sling. When the Lord has fulfilled for my lord every good thing he promised concerning him and has appointed him ruler over Israel, my lord will not have on his conscience the staggering burden of needless bloodshed or of having avenged himself. And when the Lord your God has brought my lord success, remember your servant.” – 1 Samuel 25:28-31

Singles Must Remain in Faith

The above things strengthened David along with his personal seek for the Lord. Everywhere David turned —he’d always inquire of the Lord before going. Much of our faith is stirred by seeking God in prayer. It’s also built by hearing the Word of God from others. David got to the point where he had to build himself up. He’d say things like let this or that happen until I learn what God will do for me. He consistently looked to the Lord.

Just after David had decided to stay in a stronghold while waiting on the Lord—a prophet named Gad spoke to him telling him not to remain in the stronghold but to get to Judah. Judah means praise.

We will be tempted during our holding pattern as singles—to remain in unhealthy places that can become strongholds for us. Things like becoming ungrateful and unappreciative for all of the years God’s sustained us. The lie may even come to our mind as a woman to relax our standards to that of a looser woman because there is always a man available for that type of woman.

Whatever we face during our holding patterns—we can, like David, rely on the Lord, and remain humble and thankful while continuing to walk by faith. It’s during our continually walking out this path God has called us to that we will get to the end, like David.

The wrong attitude and the belief in lies over God’s truths are simply ways of taking God’s promise into our own hands. Sure, David could have taken the promise into his own hands and killed Saul on multiple occasions, but instead, he chose to trust God, and God’s promise occurred correctly in God’s timing. Who knows if David would have survived had he taken things into his own hands?

I know it’s hard because I am in it. I am waiting into my 40s while following the wisdom of God for years and am yet in a holding pattern. One thing that helps me is learning to enjoy the wait in all of the ways that I can. This includes continuing in my purpose as God gives me strength. It’s important not to overdo it in ministry to the point where we do not have a life outside of ministry.

Exploring the things I enjoy̅̅̅—helps such as travel, new restaurants, friends and family relationships, and most importantly the joy of the Lord. This is our strength. If I feel my attitude is shifting in a way not kosher—I’ll seek the Lord about it for his help. He will usually remind me of his word, and show me areas where I am trusting things or people for my needs instead of him.

This trust in the Lord is one thing that helps singles to continue to put ourselves out there meeting others, which is another important piece of being in a holding pattern as a single. The cool people we meet make the holding pattern easier even if it doesn’t lead to marriage with everyone we meet.

Change the Narrative on How You View Singleness over 40

What do you do when you get tired of fighting the same lies over and over again during your singleness journey? You change the narrative. Shift your thinking from what you are experiencing to the things God has been showing you in prayer. You discipline yourself to meditate on the Word of God instead of your experience.

Speak God’s word again and again until you believe it. You build your faith. Faith comes by hearing and hearing the Word of God. What narratives do you come up against periodically or even regularly that you are changing the narrative on? Here are a few that those in extended singleness may encounter.

I’ve gotten too Old and Missed My Chance as One Experiencing Singleness Over 40

It’s hard to get away from the narrative of age. Our generation has been getting married at older ages, yet the median age for a first marriage is still younger than 40. So, for the 40-plus singles, what does the research say? One good thing it says is there are 61% of men looking to date or for a committed relationship between the ages of 30-49 years of age. This means that women in their 40s are still highly sought after. Other research shows getting married later poses a lower divorce risk.

While many of us discount ourselves on the dating market as having missed our time; our time is still fresh and ripe for the correct suitor. We can feel just as beautiful, hopeful, and sought after as when we were younger—just with greater maturity.

That’s right! Older women have bonuses that we bring to the table. I’d like to say humility is one of those benefits and it’s a requirement for a healthy marriage. Marriage is full of learning and compromise. When you get something that you feel at times that you aren’t worthy of for whatever reason—experience, age, or the like—you are more willing to do the work to maintain what you have.

You also develop a greater appreciation for what you have. Often, the too-old thinking is a narrative we’ve made up in our mind to disqualify ourselves as unworthy—when God still says we’re worthy. Heck! The research still says we’re worthy. Why don’t we? We need to be intentional about changing the narrative to God’s truth in this area.

What is God saying about us despite our age? Have we set with God in prayer to find out? Something God has shared with me is he’s opening doors. My best days are ahead of me. I’ve even gotten little nuggets in prayer on how I will recognize my future husband.

In Singleness Over 40 We Must Hope Against Hope

One of the most recent nuggets God gave me is that my husband and I will have an “iron sharpening iron relationship.” This will be one of the ways I will recognize that my husband has arrived. This also personally means a lot to me due to some personal work God has been doing within me in recent years relating to communication and assertiveness. This gives me hope against a circumstance that sometimes appears unhopeful.

Abraham, the father of our faith hoped against all hope—to have a child. He got so into unbelief that he and Sarah attempted to create the miracle on their own. We react like Abraham and Sarah when we allow the wrong narrative to frazzle us. We attempt to do it on our own and fail to rest in God’s promise.

Resting in the Lord Helps in Singleness Over 40

Instead of focusing on the lie that we’re too old; let’s focus on resting in the Lord. Let’s rest in what God has said. Let’s rest in the truth that we are still enough at 40 plus. Girls, put on our pumps and enjoy the ride of life even if our faith may be small due to the tiredness of the wait. All it takes is just a little faith to see God’s promises. Remember the mustard seed and move your mountain.

I’m too Mature to Find a Man Willing to Cover Me

This may sound awkward to some, but when you watch men value women who aren’t that smart you begin to think, well maybe I should hide my brain to some degree. Women are sometimes pushed as objects to make men feel good about themselves. Perhaps, for some men, having a brain is too much. But the right man will appreciate our brain because he will know that he isn’t on his own. He’s truly got some help. Not just in the bedroom, but in life.

We should not view being mature as a disqualifier for us being a wife. If anything, it should be a qualifier. A mature woman naturally requires more. She requires a guy who can have mature conversations with her. He should be able to dig deep and perceive things beyond the surface. This produces a next-level intimacy experience that’s more fulfilling.

Again, it’s a plus. We are tempted to hide who we are and dumb ourselves down to make others feel comfortable with us. The truth is we should be our authentic selves all the more at 40 plus. Those that are too uncomfortable with our maturity simply aren’t for us. It would be a disservice for us to stop growing in an attempt to find a man.

It also speaks to our level of faith. Do we not believe there are mature men out there as well who desire mature women? Everyone has an appropriate counterpart. The immature with the immature. The mature with the mature. Another mature person will respect and honor a person at their core because their understanding of things is greater than one who is immature. The immature devalues things, experiences, and people more because they simply do not understand.

How can someone who is mature change the narrative of seeing maturity as a plus instead of a negative to get a spouse? Hang around more mature men and women. Join a Facebook group with mature singles such as, “Singles Living for Christ.”