If you’re watching Season 8’s Ready to Love then you are well aware of the recent blow-up between Jessica and Chris. Chris seemed like a good guy since the show began but episode 10 had his emotions flaring in not the best light.
My synopsis of the events that took place is that Chris and Jessica are from two different cultural backgrounds. They aren’t a good fit and both were wrong in their most recent transaction. Chris shared in various interviews, that women are to be protected, cared for, and cherished in his culture.
However, many African-American women do not get to experience that. Many African-American women have learned to protect themselves as we often aren’t seen as soft, feminine, or worthy of protection or love by men who look like us.
Whether we are combative or not, we get a bill for being combative simply because we are Black and single. The assumption is if you are a Black woman and single at a certain age; it’s because you fit one of the many stereotypes that we are seen as instead of being seen as individuals who are worthy of love and protection.
When women don’t have the tools to deal with the negative climates that we will experience as Black women; we become hardened and begin to self-protect. That often looks like pride and lack of vulnerability. This is where I believe Jessica erred. I did not see it before episode 10—the hardness and lack of vulnerability. But oh, did it come out on episode 10! I said to myself—this is what Chris has been talking about all along.
Jessica’s words to Chris below:
“The word combative was extremely off-putting and inappropriate.” “At what point did you feel disrespected? (rolling eyes.)”
The tone behind these words along with the words essentially disqualified Chris’ POV without letting him in as to why. It can come across as if she is speaking to a child and is very dismissive. I get it. Jessica was done and hurt. Her staunch attitude would in no way allow Chris in. Ladies, if this is what we are presenting to men; of course, we will not be seen as soft, vulnerable, or open for love.
Men need an in-road into our lives to see our vulnerabilities so they can help with what concerns us. That’s what men love to do. They love to take on the challenge of saving a woman. Not that we are in desperate need of saving, but we need the love that good men have to give.
A better way for Jessica to have communicated with Chris about the combative situation could have been to share with Chris why saying she was combative was so hurtful to her by sharing the history of how Black women are viewed without a chance to be known.
Secondly, she could have shared how it made her feel. This takes vulnerability. Vulnerability also requires a level of trust that the person we are being vulnerable with will protect our hearts as we are attempting to protect our hearts and theirs as well.
This is the second issue with both Jessica and Chris. They are acting as every man for himself. They both are protecting themselves instead of protecting one another. This happens all too often in male/female relationships. Men seek to protect only themselves and women only themselves and in doing so the relationship that could have budded becomes none existent.
Chris looked nervous since Sierra was eliminated. He was dishonest in owning that he’d called Jessica combative. He continued to say he had not said that of her even in their final discussion. His conversation as the episode went on continued to be to protect himself and his image and not Jessica.
It’s almost as if she did not matter to him as long as they weren’t together. I agree Jessica and Chris were not good for each other. They were not a good match. However, there is still a responsibility we have in dealing with human beings to treat one another with respect and value. We don’t have to devalue others because we don’t agree with them or desire them for ourselves.
In Chris and Jessica’s exchange, Chris could have been the bigger person and decided to be loving toward Jessica despite her coldness toward him. We know that men have an innate need for respect and women, love. We cannot say as women, we’ll only respect a man when it’s easy or a man should only love a woman when it is easy. We have to practice respect and love for one another in the difficult exchanges of disagreement and breaking up.
Bitterness is the natural result of unhealed hurt. Something that if Jessica isn’t careful, she can very easily walk in after this exchange. I wrote in my first book, how bitterness is like holding up our hands in the form of an X. We cannot allow love in or out.
When bitter, we isolate ourselves to avoid the same types of exchanges again and again. However, not healing will attract those very same experiences. I’d recommend that Jessica and anyone in her shoes, who is hurt and finds it hard to be vulnerable go to therapy, pray, journal, and heal. So, your hands and your heart can become open again to receive love.
I still believe Chris is a good guy, but I believe he needs to take ownership of not handling that the best way as well as his dishonesty to try to protect how he is perceived. Screw how we are perceived. We are human and all of us make mistakes. It’s taking ownership, learning, and growing from the mistakes that count.
Finally, as singles, we have to learn to guard our hearts in a healthy way that allows us to remain open. Both men and women need to take inventory of how we guard our hearts and the hearts of others in our journeys to find love.
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