This is a series intended to encourage the single man of God as well as the single woman of God. For men, I want them to know they are not alone and other men are with them in their struggle to contend for righteousness and rest in the Lord as a man who is single. For women, I want them to know they are not alone and there are men of God out here contending for righteousness and enduring some of the same struggles of loneliness and fighting the flesh as well. In the end, we overcome.
God provides his grace to both men and women during the wait for the right partner. This grace empowers us to live this life and see it through until the end. We have hope both while in the process of waiting and when the wait is over because it is God who sustains us. And God never leaves us nor forsakes us—not while we are in the wilderness, preparation, or in the promise. We can always trust in him to be faithful to us.
This series includes two men, one who re-committed himself to abstinence until marriage and another who was a virgin until marriage and is now married. Below is the first interview with a gentleman named Robert Jones. He is 53 years old.
Question # 1: At what point did you begin waiting until marriage to have sex?
I had a bad breakup with a woman and it was unclear if we were over. I made up my mind that I would not be with anyone until I’d gotten her back. However, she had me holding on—leading me on while talking to another gentleman that she ended up marrying.
During this process, a female friend of mine came to town and wanted to be intimate, but I shared with her I was waiting on the woman I was seeking after. At that point, she challenged me to wait until marriage for sex. I decided to do so—January of 2018.
I began dating another woman in 2018 who agreed with my choice to wait. However, one year later, the woman who’d previously agreed to wait until marriage for sex had changed her mind. She began to pressure me into sex and I gave in. My conviction to wait along with some health challenges made it difficult for me to perform and that relationship ended.
I have been back on my journey of no sex until marriage again and the health challenges I’d dealt with I’ve overcome at this point.
Robert Shared an Important Belief he held that waiting for marriage for sex to him had previously been waiting for sexual intercourse or penetration only:
Robert had gone to therapy to heal after the relationship with the woman in 2018. He also became more involved with his church. It’s through therapy and his relationship with his church pastors and brothers that he learned that fellatio and other sexual acts were also to be held back until marriage and it was not just sexual intercourse or penetration that was to be refrained from prior to marriage. Robert is now abstaining from all forms of sex prior to marriage.
Question # 2: With the women you’d previously mentioned who led you on and the other who changed her mind about waiting for sex, normally we hear about men playing these types of games and not women. How have you learned to guard your heart in dating? There isn’t a lot of talk about men guarding their hearts while dating.
Robert says that he prays to meet his future wife. He prays for protection against temptation and mainly he trusts God. He doesn’t feel that he guards his heart perse’, but he trusts God and remains open by pursuing, writing love notes, and giving in hopes of meeting that future spouse. Simply put, he relies on God to protect his heart. He focuses on giving with the belief that once he has given; it’s up to the person who has received from him to do what they will with it.
We guard our hearts by trusting God and following the wisdom and discernment that he gives us. We do not guard our hearts by practicing bitterness, pride, or unforgiveness.
One Time During Temptation
Robert shared that he’s been tempted as well. He’d allowed a woman to spend the night and she sleeps nude. They kissed and became hot and bothered, but he drew the line after that. He discussed that he was admonished by his pastor that he should not have put himself in that position. It was like leading the woman to the door and closing the door on her shutting her out. It’s good that he shut her out, but it was not wise to be there in that position. He has embraced what his pastor shared and will be implementing that going forward.
Instead, clothe yourself in the presence of the Lord Jesus Christ. And don’t let yourself think about ways to indulge your fleshy desires.
– Romans 13:14
More of our discussion on Sex
He went on to share how there are so many women out there looking for fulfillment in sex with men and when there are no morals it’s easy to use sex to hit an empty target. He shared that for so long he’d been crying out for someone to take him seriously about him wanting to settle down, but for so long no one took him seriously because of how he moved before his commitment to wait until marriage.
One of his guy friends asked him what if he waits and the sex is trash. He shut him down sharing that God doesn’t move that way. God will not give you a partner where the sex is trash. I added on further to the discussion sharing that there is also sex therapy and counseling that couples can go to get themselves on the same page so that both individuals within the marriage are sexually satisfied.
Question # 3: What has been the greatest challenges you’ve experienced since you’ve decided to do things God’s way?
The greatest challenge has been temptation and people trying to break me. Also, the enemy knowing what I like—the curves I like, height, etc. The enemy will put that specifically on your path. Also, a challenge in waiting is wondering if a particular woman will be the right one. There was another woman who was a minister that I liked, but she had a boyfriend. When she became available and unattached—she was aggressive and I do not like aggressive women. I like to put in the work.
I had to refocus on waiting and trusting God. One of my favorite scriptures:
He says, “Be still, and know that I am God; I will be exalted among the nations,
I will be exalted in the earth.
– Psalms 46:10
Russelyn added to the discussion about trusting God further:
This is what the Lord says: “Cursed is the one who trusts in man,
who draws strength from mere flesh
and whose heart turns away from the Lord.
That person will be like a bush in the wastelands;
they will not see prosperity when it comes.
They will dwell in the parched places of the desert,
in a salt land where no one lives. “But blessed is the one who trusts in the Lord,
whose confidence is in him.
They will be like a tree planted by the water
that sends out its roots by the stream.
It does not fear when heat comes;
its leaves are always green.
It has no worries in a year of drought
and never fails to bear fruit.”
– Jeremiah 17:5-8
The above scripture speaks of how sometimes we place our trust in things and people. We can do this when opening ourselves up to the wrong relationships. Opening ourselves up to the wrong relationships and trusting in the wrong things causes us to become jaded to the point where we cannot recognize when good shows up. A godly man can be standing right in front of us and at that point, because we’ve placed our trust in the wrong things, we will not recognize it nor respond appropriately. However, the one who places their trust in the Lord will be able to see good when it comes and will bring forth the expectation that s/he had been trusting God for.
Question # 4: What has been the greatest benefit for doing things God’s way?
Firstly, this interview. I could never imagine someone wanted to hear my testimony on a blog. Also, the people I’ve met—those who cannot believe that a Black man is seeking to discipline himself to honor God in this arena. When people see the authenticity of what I am trying to do they are surprised.
In short, it’s opened the door for meeting people who share my values—this has given me a greater opportunity to experience settling down in the love relationship that I desire. There is a scripture in the Bible that talks about the key of David that opens doors no man can shut.
There is a young lady a friend of mine introduced me to. We’d gone to the same college so I know her, but not closely. However, we’ve been talking for a week and so far, we are looking for the same things and have the same values.
Finally, I’ll say the greatest benefit is what God is doing in me. I remember praying regarding the woman I’d broken up with who I really wanted, but I prayed for strength, power, wisdom, and discernment to get over her as God prepared me for what he has for me. I’ve come a long way since then and I am grateful and I am thankful. Even when I used to be married, I’d cheated on my wife, but if I had put all of the energy I’d put into cheating into my marriage, where would I have been right now? I will not do that again. Now, with God’s help, I’ve become a one-woman man just like I am a one God man.
Russelyn shared that she believes the key of David is to have a heart after God and that opens us up to whatever God has for us. Russelyn also shared Proverbs 3:5-6 acknowledging God in all of our ways is a way to have a heart after God. It’s a way of showing reverential fear for God. Lord, I want to acknowledge you. I trust you to direct my path.
Question # 5: What can women of God do to encourage men in your position?
The hardest thing for women over 40 to do is to sit still. You know a man finds a wife. A woman sees a guy who is fine, great with his kids, successful and women think I want him, but what is his heart like? I was given information from a pastor of mine sharing that I need to ask women questions while dating like how is your spirit with God? Where are you at with God?
After applying this, I would wonder if I was talking about God too much. I had dated a woman who was a minister and she asked me if I had my own words. She felt that I was using the Bible too much and wanted me to speak less about God. It turned me off.
Russelyn shared how she’s experienced this too and it’s good to know that this doesn’t just happen to women. Many times, we feel alone when facing challenges like that, but it’s good to know that our counterparts out there are experiencing the same thing.
Sidenote: Women will have to really trust in God and rest in God to not be too thirsty when showing interest in a man. If women are too thirsty they can relinquish their role as women in being pursued by men and become the pursuer which turns manly men off.
Question # 6 As an older man of God, what are some things you are noticing among younger men that you’d like to speak to?
I have a 21-year-old nephew and my brother and I, his dad, were promiscuous. That affected their relationship because his dad still is and he places the women over his son. I divorced my ex-wife because she did not care for my children and my nephew shared that he wished his father would do the same thing for him.
What I would say to a younger man is that the conquest is not the woman’s body, but her mind and her heart. You love the mind and the heart and the body, in the right timing, will submit to you (right timing meaning the covenant of marriage.) It’s like submitting to God. When you submit to God—you’re giving up power to gain so much more.
We place so much value on the physical satisfaction and the flesh, but the greatest thing is love. If you love that woman unconditionally showing her that love—she’ll give you what you want. As a man, I need a friend. Years down the line when my body no longer works, I’ll need a woman I can talk to who can hold my hand during my twilight.
Sex and love are two different things. Love is a verb. If I show you that I can love you before I have your body, when we’re married adding the submission of your body to that is amazing. My sister passed, but when she was alive, she was only married to one man. I learned some things from her marriage that I am taking into my own marriage. If I love you first, you’ll love me last. I don’t like being chased. I want to put the work in.
Question # 7: Do you think men nowadays still pursue women because it seems like they don’t?
A lot of men don’t pursue now because they don’t have to. Women are pursuing them. When a woman is ready to be found, she will be found. When God is ready for her to be found. She will be. When God wants you to have something, he will provide it for you. We live in a microwave society where people want things right away. Some women are so impatient that they’d settle for a piece of a man than a whole man.
Question # 8: For men who feel stuck with sexual tension while waiting, what can they do?
I had to really trust God. I had sleepless nights with thoughts of going to my ex’s house. I had to pray a lot. I would lay down at night and pray and pray. Even through the torment and sleepless nights, I knew God would rescue me. It’s a matter of being still until God came to my rescue. I got to the point where I knew it would all be over in the morning, and I’d eventually fall asleep.
After a while, it gets easier because you begin to forget what you’re missing. You forget that you are no longer having sex and you just have other things to do. You have hard days, but that is the whole part of being still and trusting God has your back. The enemy is always waiting. It’s crazy how heavily the enemy is rooted in things that cause pleasure and I was an addict for many years.
I did not grow up in a loving household. It wasn’t until I was in therapy in 2005 that I recognized this and the fact that I had co-dependency issues. I felt that I always had to have a woman in my life. I always had someone to replace the woman I was breaking up with. Up until recently, I had no one. I simply had to grow. Once I got my healing, I was able to be alone in a healthy way relinquishing the co-dependency.
I felt that some of my previous behavior with the wrong women was pushing back who I was supposed to be with down the road. Who could I have been missing out on dealing with the wrong women? That really alarmed me when I came to that realization and I saw that those past relationships were a distraction. They weren’t God-centered so where did I expect them to go?
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