What does Proverbs 18:22 really mean? This scripture has been drilled into women by religious leaders and teachers causing bondage. The teachings of this scripture have over-emphasized a mindset of women taking a passive role in the forming of a relationship. The teachings have even gone as far as to accuse women of being easy sexually if any type of effort is put forth in showing interest in a man.
These bad interpretations could not be further from the truth. Finally, these teachings have given men a pass to just find a woman and expect her to be open to a gentleman just because he has shown interest. The truth is a healthy and whole woman needs to properly evaluate a man using discernment. She should not be desperate or open to committing to anything just because a man took the lead in pursuing.
Many women are so full of low self-esteem that they simply wait for a man to show interest. They put all of their eggs in one basket once interest is shown forgetting they have a choice. They try to make it work with the gentleman who showed interest because it’s so rare that we are pursued by someone we like. A woman could very easily see the current pursuit as her only chance at love.
A mindset of desperation is birthed and women often overlook red flags trying to force something to work in this way. This is terrible teaching that puts women in bondage. We have to grow up as women and begin to walk in maturity because this isn’t it. Let’s break down what the scripture really means.
He who finds a wife finds what is good and receives favor from the LORD.
– Proverbs 18:22
I believe the scripture means exactly what it says. When a man finds a woman who has been developed into having the character of a wife, it isn’t a bad thing, but instead, it’s a good thing. Not only is it a good thing, but the man who is willing to take on the responsibility of a wife seeing it as a good thing will have favor.
Favor: The support or approval of someone (Cambridge Dictionary.)
There is intimidation that sometimes comes over a man when considering taking on the responsibility of a wife and the children birthed from the relationship. There are questions, such as will I be able to provide? Will we have enough? Will she respect me as a man if I fail? God is simply giving a promise to the man reassuring him that he will not fail in his endeavor of taking on a wife and family because God’s favor will support him. The man will thus not be on his own, but God’s favor will be with him.
This is also proven in the fact that men who marry typically live longer than men who do not marry. God’s favor with the husband even grants longer life in many cases.
Single women should find encouragement in the scripture knowing their value as women of character who make good wives is an asset. This is something to be celebrated. This isn’t something we should loathe over and feel the need to try hard to get men to see us as something good. Us just being us is enough. Developing into beautiful women who become our best selves is enough. We should not have a mindset of desperation. Instead, we should have a mindset of confidence.
Why be confident? Because God is with us and God is covering us. We should be at rest. Thus, this scripture should not be preached to shame women for desiring a husband—or positioning ourselves in places to be noticed by a potential husband. As long as our trust rests in the Lord to supply the needs a husband would meet in our lives—there is nothing wrong with us positioning ourselves. Positioning ourselves is then done out of confidence and not desperation, shame, fear, or manipulation.
The old way of teaching in the church implies a woman should ignore a gentleman almost to pretend he doesn’t exist. In this scenario, most of the burden to find a healthy relationship falls on the man—while the woman is absolved of all responsibility in forming a relationship. This would provide the appearance of being spiritually mature and a suitable partner because a man is supposed to, “find” us.
The word find in this scripture however means to simply discover, happen upon, to meet. This implies that the woman must come into contact with a gentleman who would be a suitor for her, and the man has to likewise come into contact with her.
There are no specific rules in scripture as to how this encounter must occur. There is common wisdom in the book of Proverbs in scripture that says, “He that has friends must first show himself friendly (Proverbs 18:24.”)
How can a woman position herself to be found? She needs to develop a disposition of friendliness. I love vocabulary’s definition of friendliness below:
“Friendliness is a quality of openness and warmth that makes you feel welcome and at ease.
This friendliness disposition is developed in us accepting ourselves and being open to others accepting us. It’s shown in how we carry ourselves, facial expressions, our openness to communicate and more. This open aroma of friendliness and acceptance is inviting to a man at peace with himself. If we are placing ourselves in places where men are; eventually, they will begin to notice us and pursue us.
We do not want to pursue a man as traditionally a man likes to pursue a woman and the woman likes to be pursued. We want to be sure a man wants us; so, we cannot do the role traditionally reserved for them. This doesn’t mean we cannot show interest in a man such as dropping gentle cues by smiling, making eye contact, and providing genuine compliments.
Most of the work we do will be work on ourselves as it relates to developing socially, emotionally, physically, spiritually, and mentally. All while enjoying life and going places where both women and men show up.
As we are approached while maintaining a disposition of friendliness, we should react kindly to each gentleman even if we aren’t physically attracted to him. We don’t have to date him or provide our number if there is no attraction, but we can be cordial, warm, and gracefully decline.
While out at an event such as a mixer or networking event there is nothing wrong with simply striking up a conversation related to whatever the event is. This is a nice, unassuming way to show interest in a man. If we are smiling and being our normal friendly selves, this can open the door for him to pursue. If he doesn’t pursue after giving the normal cues of eye contact, warm conversation, and smiles; he isn’t interested. Simply let it go. Remember you are enough and the man who sees your value as a wife for himself will pursue.
We want to be in the business of being open to a man, but not pursuing a man. If we come across someone that we have a crush on in our day to day lives, we can see he has good character, and we are genuinely interested in him; there is nothing wrong with asking if he is seeing someone or sharing that we’d like to get to know him further if he’s single. This often brings clarity to the relationship and keeps us out of imagining we’re in a relationship with someone who doesn’t see us in that way. You will find out the truth in this instance and it will set you free from the distraction that is often involved with liking someone and not getting clarity on how they feel. If he is interested in you let him take the lead.
Allow him to do what a man is supposed to do. Your role as a woman is to evaluate his character and not to go all-in prematurely. You are hoping to get to know him. Your mind should not be made up. Temper yourself. If he doesn’t pursue or he shares he is seeing someone; let it go. Never pursue a man. Remember you are worth it and there is someone out there for you.
Women who are in bondage may feel as though they are breaking a religious law for asking if he is seeing someone based on how Proverbs 18:22 has been taught in the church. However, this is not the case. The scripture never shared that a woman doesn’t have a voice, choice, or influence. Being clear and communicating with a man doesn’t mean you are easy or out of order. It means you are growing in the area of communication with others.
In summary, Proverbs 18:22 is more of a promise to the man and a compliment to the woman’s value. Let’s challenge each other as believers not condemning one another and adding things to scripture that were never communicated. This only creates fear, stagnation, and bondage. Everyone’s story of how they come together will be different. Don’t put a limit on how God will bring you into the company of a man who will love and pursue you. Stay open, stay friendly, keep loving yourself, and honoring God and his wisdom will lead you.
What are your thoughts on what Proverbs 18:22 means? Please, share in the comments below?
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