Single Christian’s Sexual Fears
Some Christian’s sexual fears are no doubt challenging. These fears and anxieties have to be carefully navigated if one wants to be successful during the stage of singleness on to a healthy marriage. Below are some of the more recent fears I’ve been hearing about from guys and girls on Clubhouse about being single.
Some men feel marrying a girl who is too spiritual will cause him to be short-changed in the bed-room
This adds to some of the fear and anxiety when it comes to approaching a woman of God because ultimately some men fear being stuck in a sexless marriage. I don’t like the term too spiritual. I’d prefer to label someone as either balanced or imbalanced. Being imbalanced is where a person chooses to develop their spiritual disciples and character, but completely ignore any other areas in need of development. The Bible shares with us that natural exercise is useful, but spiritual exercise is more useful.
Thus, we have to be careful how we portray a view of being too spiritual. It’s not being spiritual that is a problem but neglecting the exercise of development in other areas. We all should be balanced. We have to be able to operate in this world well. That is the purpose that God left us in the world so we have to be intentional about developing in a wide array of areas.
A man can simply have a conversation with a woman. This can be done without leading her to believe he is making her his girlfriend. This will help a man to know where the girl’s head is before he commits to anything with her. He can also peep her social media accounts if they are public. There is no need to label all single Christian women as too spiritual or imbalanced. But a man of God looking to pursue a wife must remain in faith that God has the right girl out there for him and he will lead him to that girl.
In the meantime, Christian men should work on being disciplined sexually and crucifying the sinful nature of the flesh.
This will help him to focus on getting to know a girl for who she is—making her feel safe. When a woman sees that a man makes her feel safe, she becomes more comfortable opening up to that man sexually at the right time within a godly covenant of marriage.
Approaching the idea of sex simply from a selfish aspect and not a sacrificial aspect creates its own barrier to intimacy and sexual fulfillment. It’s similar to Christ and the church. The woman is a metaphor for the church in scripture and she fully surrenders to God making herself a living sacrifice acceptable and fulfilling to God as a natural response to God’s sacrifice made for her. See the below scripture:
And so, dear brothers and sisters, I plead with you to give your bodies to God because of all he has done for you. Let them be a living and holy sacrifice—the kind he will find acceptable. This is truly the way to worship him.
– Romans 12:1
Worship in the Bible is also a metaphor for sexual intimacy. The idea is the man has made the sacrifice like Christ to make the woman feel so safe and so loved that she is willing to fully surrender herself to that man, body, and all. That’s a free nugget for a great sex life brothas. Thank me later 😊.
Also, great sex in a marriage has to be built on more than natural things like sexual attraction and a desire for sex. A lack of sex in a marriage is normally a sign of a deeper issue that needs to be addressed. So, a level of depth and maturity will be required to avoid a sexless marriage.
Also, a level of vulnerability and respect when things are shared will need to be prioritized in a marriage to avoid a sexless marriage.
For bodily exercise profiteth little: but godliness is profitable unto all things, having promise of the life that now is, and of that which is to come. – 1 Tim 4:8
1 Timothy 4:8
Some Christian’s Sexual fears include not ever having a safe space to express themselves fully sexually
I’m familiar with this being a concern of women rather than men. There are men out there who label women who have committed to abstinence or who are virgins as asexual. They also assume that for a woman to remain chaste as a single she must have a gift where sexual desire isn’t there. Many women also notice how some Christian men will more readily gravitate toward choosing a girl who may be less chaste. Because of this, there is a fear that if they remain chaste it means they will be alone.
Not to mention the Instagram models who show everything. Many men of God have the idea of the Instagram model in their minds; thus many women who have practiced chastity and purity are discouraged from doing so out of fear of being alone and never being given a chance to express the love that she feels inside toward another.
Girls in this situation need to remember that their trust isn’t in man and how men perceive them, but their trust should be fully in God to provide a safe, loving, and caring relationship. We should also remember to be thankful because God is protecting us from the men who would use us and discard us if we did give into sex before the proper time.
We have to remember if God has promised us a godly spouse; it doesn’t matter what man thinks and how we are perceived as a man will not be the one to bring God’s promise to pass, but God will. Keep your eyes on Jesus and surround yourself with men of God who will encourage you to continue on your journey of dedication to God in both body and spirit. These brothers will be a reminder that you do not have to change who you are negatively or lower your morals to find a godly man.
Some single men have shared their fear of having to marry someone they aren’t physically attracted to:
I just want to say that the men are not alone. Women want to be physically and sexually attracted to their spouses as well. This is a choice that both of us have. Often women are expected to look past the physical and sexual attraction, but this isn’t wise. We have to be honest with ourselves and choose someone who meets our needs as well as honors God and has great character. We may need to be open however to someone we normally would ignore as our person may come packaged differently than expected. Men have the temptation of looking at Instagram models who do not look like their best photo all of the time.
Women are very clever and we have ways of dressing ourselves up for the gram, but in real life, we may look different. If you’re a guy with an unrealistic picture of a woman in your mind that most women do not look like; it may take you longer to find your spouse.
Be open to all strokes of beauty’s paintbrush. You may find a beautiful woman that you want and need if you broaden your spectrum outside of the woman you would normally talk with. Women who desire only 6 ft. men and up may have to also do the same thing. Minute features of a potential spouse like height, hair length, dress, and in some cases, weight can be adjusted. If a person was beautiful to you and had a minute feature that needed adjusting; would you be willing to work with them or be patient with them on that feature?
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