Setting Boundaries in Dating to Honor God and Maintain Purity:
The first boundary that a person needs to have is to be honest with him or herself about whether it is even your time and/or season to date.
As believers our goal in dating is normally meeting a potential spouse that we can marry and share the rest of our lives with, but it honestly may not be your season for that, and that’s OK. It doesn’t mean you’re weird or there is something wrong with you. It just means that it isn’t time. The Bible says that there is a time and a season to every purpose under the sun (Ecclesiastes 3:1).
The flowers that normally come up in the spring aren’t complaining in the winter time about not being able to bloom during winter; They simply wait until it is their time and when their time comes everything happens just the way that it is supposed to. It will be the same way for the believer who is waiting on the appropriate time to date for marriage.
The bible says that the man who delights in God’s word and such will bring forth his fruit in his season (Psalms 1:1-3). That means that whatever is due to that individual will come to pass as long as he continues in God’s way.
One boundary that is good to have is realizing that if you are struggling with lust, masturbation, fantasy lust, and/or can’t sleep without fantasizing about having sex with someone then you are not in your season to date.
Being in a position where your flesh is clearly not under subjection puts you at risk for a relationship that is led by the physical in dating, and that is not how you get to know someone for the purpose of being a potential life partner.
God may need to put you on the shelf for a little while, get you polished up, and fully delivered before he allows possible potentials to come your way.
A second boundary once you meet someone who you’re interested in is to steer clear of conversation that leads one to think about sex:
I will use myself for an example. I met an interesting gentlemen and we exchanged numbers. We had been talking for maybe a week, and the conversation went from work to his penis to a dream that he had about me ripping his shirt off. There is only one place that type of conversation can go, and that is straight to the bedroom. Of course, that was my sign that I immediately needed to cut off the conversation with this gentlemen and set some clear boundaries with him, that if he is going to talk to me he is going to have to respect me by having only respectable conversation.
The same gentlemen also bought up rubbing my feet a couple of times. Remember, we had only been talking for a week. In a week’s time, I haven’t really had a chance to get to know him, and he’s already leaning toward the physical. That can only form a very strong emotional connection with the individual before I find out if he has the character and integrity to sustain our connection beyond the physical. If the character is lacking, but a physical and emotional connection is there it will only provide momentary gratification until the fizz of the relationship fades out because sex, and emotions can only take a relationship so far.
A third boundary is to eliminate or be very cautious of late night conversation:
The previous story took place at 2a.m. in the morning. I just happened to wake up in the middle of the night, and grab my phone and noticed a text message was recently sent, so I responded. However, that was too much of a temptation for the gentlemen that I was talking to. The mood was set. It was late at night. We we’re both probably texting from our beds all comfortable and what not. It is just an easy scenario for temptation.
As a matter of fact, a brother in the Lord had texted me late one night as I was about to go to bed about 12 a.m. I texted him back. He asked me to call him. I did. After talking in general for a while. He gave in to temptation discusses certain things that men should discuss with men, and finally asking if he could come over to my place the next day. I paused in shock because I viewed this dude as a brother in the Lord. I explained to him that I do not allow guys over to my house to be alone with me unless its a relative or something like that.
A forth boundary is to not allow yourself to be secluded with the person of interest:
This doesn’t mean that you and your love-interest can’t ever be alone. It just means that you will not allow yourself to be placed in compromising situations that would make it easy to have sex outside of marriage such as hanging out at each others homes and you all live alone, or checking into a hotel room together. If there is any other scenario that you feel may cause you to compromise then don’t allow it.
For example, When I was much younger and less wise, I used to work with a gentlemen that I dated at South Suburban College. He and I would close up the tutoring center together on Saturdays, and we’d be the only ones there after closing. Some Saturdays we’d stay late together by ourselves because we kind of liked each other. I remember one Saturday sitting in the dark close to each other listening to Jon B. play on the radio. He asked me if I wanted to kiss him to which I responded no because I wasn’t feeling him like that although he was cool. Had that been Taye Diggs or another gentlemen whom I was attracted to; that scenario could have gone a lot different.
A fifth boundary is to take it slow getting to know one another. If you have decided to initially be friends to get to know one another, then act like friends initially and not boyfriend and girlfriend until later on when an appropriate foundation has been established:
The way that friends react toward one another is a lot different than how boyfriends and girlfriends react toward one another. For example, normally a friend isn’t going to call or text every single day; while a boyfriend/girlfriend would. A friend is not going to offer to rub your feet, rip clothes off, or any of that physical stuff.
Acting like a couple first before getting to know one another opens the door for an attachment to someone that you are not even sure if they can sustain a healthy relationship. If you find out they are lacking in character and what you need; it will be hard to break away from them, and your heart would endure more pain as a result. Not to mention if sin comes in because of this; your relationship with God will suffer.
Be clear what the motives are for the relationship and if the motive or goal of the relationship isn’t right for both parties then be ready to sever the tie. You don’t want to waste your time trying to make something into what it was never meant to be.
The most important boundary of all is to seek God regarding the individual that you are interested in:
My relationship with God in some ways remind me of a relationship of a husband and a wife. I always check with God through prayer about certain big decisions in my life even some small decisions, which is similar to how a wife may check with her hubby about certain decisions to make sure they agree, and the cool thing is God usually answers me. I tell all church groups of young people that I speak with to seek God in prayer about an individual they may be interested in.
Recently, I sought the Lord concerning a gentlemen who was pursuing me hard to the point where I had to slow him down because I did not want to move very fast. I kept asking God why is this guy in my life? Expose anything to me that I need to see? Let me know if I would be wasting my time to talk to him?
I had a dream after praying for a couple of nights, and in the dream there was an animal in a dog house with danger signs around it. I came walking along focused and about my business the way I am in real-life, and the animal came out of the dog-house attempting to play with me. The animal was a baby cougar. The baby cougar used his paw to reach out to me playing, and my expression and thought in the dream was this type of animal is not something to play with. This is not appropriate.
In short, the interpretation of what God was showing me is the relationship with the gentlemen was not appropriate, but dangerous. It is dangerous because the gentlemen is comfortable with being wild and playing with sin. When you get around someone who is OK with walking in lust and sin, it becomes a risk that you may eventually partake in the same activities if you continue forming a strong fellowship with that individual (1Corithians 15:33).
This is the same gentlemen that in the beginning continued to test me to see how far I was willing to go with him sexually by sharing with me a dream of me ripping his shirt off, and talking about his penis.
I used to think I was weird for having dreams about the guys that I am interested in until recently in the Single’s Ministry at my church the teacher of the class discussed how God always warned her in dreams about men in her life. She used the scriptures below to provide a biblical basis for God using dreams to communicate to us his people:
In a dream, in a vision of the night, when deep sleep falleth upon men, in slumberings upon the bed; Then he openeth the ears of men, and sealeth their instruction. Job 33:15
And being warned of God in a dream that they should not return to Herod, they departed into their own country another way. Matthew 2:12
It’s important to note with boundaries–they are personal. This means everyone will not have the same boundaries. Also, you may learn further about yourself that you need to adjust your boundaries either increasing or decreasing. Boundaries help you to meet your end goal. Your end-goal is based on your values. Do you want to honor God? Set boundaries that would make it easier to do so.
Do you want to protect your peace? Add boundaries that make it easier to do so.
That’s all I have for now on boundaries. What are some of the boundaries that you set in your dating relationships? And if you are already married, what we’re some of the boundaries that you set when you we’re dating? Please, leave your comments below?
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