Have you ever heard someone speaking so confidently about something they’ve never experienced as if what they are sharing is the ultimate authority on the matter? Yet, what they are sharing doesn’t add up. I have regarding various conversations about Christian singles. These convos are often from people in relationships, married, men speaking on women and vice versa. It’s about time some light is bought to some of these myths by those who walk in the actual experience of being a Christian single woman or man.
Christian Single Women are Constantly Being Pursued by Christian Men
This is such a dumb myth that I’ve found many Christian men believe. They feel like Christian women are under constant pursuit by godly men and Christian women are just passing each one up. Many Christian men cannot understand how such beautiful Christian women can remain single for an extended period. This is where women are accused of being too picky, having too high standards, looking for perfection, and being prideful.
Pressure is then applied toward these single women forcing them to go out and date and try to make a relationship work with a man as long as he is a Christian. This strange myth does not take into account that you can be unequally yoked to a believer. It isn’t just unwise to be unequally yoked with an unbeliever, but it’s not wise to be unequally yoked to someone who believes in Christ but lacks the faith and maturity in Christ to sustain a healthy marriage. Even the Bible says to turn away from those with a form of godliness but deny the power thereof (2 Tim 3:5.)
Yes, there are believing men out here who may attempt to pursue a Christian woman and his faith has stopped at believing in Christ as fire insurance for hell. However, there is no intimacy with God, trust in God nor submission to the leading of the Spirit of God. Any mature Christian woman will not subject herself to that as a wife because she will have to submit to that.
She will also have to be responsible for making up the slack where the man is lacking. Many mature single Christian women refuse to play the role of a male and a female at the same time. We want to walk in our femininity. Thus, a mature Christian woman should pass up on a relationship with an unready man Christian or not.
Not passing up these types of scenarios often lead to Jezebel and Ahab type of relationships where the roles are reversed and the woman becomes like the man and the man like the woman in the relationship. This is not God’s best for his people. This in no way requires the couple to be on the same level of maturity. There is no requirement in the Bible for that. However, it’s just wisdom to at a minimum have someone with the humility, willingness, and hunger for God enough to grow. This should be demonstrated through some sort of consistent actions. We should be discerning enough to determine if someone is seriously pursuing growth in Christ or not.
Finally, Christian single women are not approached by Christian men very often. This just isn’t realistic. If she is dating with the purpose of marriage; why should she just continue to date men who she knows are not walking in the same direction as she? Instead of continuing to date a non-believer; many single Christian women continue to wait to be approached by a godly man. This is the reality. No imaginary godly men are chasing us down regularly. If that were the case; many of us who desire marriage would already be married. There would be plenty of men to choose from. However, just like it is difficult to find a virtuous woman; it’s also difficult to find a faithful man.
Christian Singles Have More Time on Their Hands
It depends on what type of single person is being spoken of. If we’re speaking of a teenager, living at home with limited responsibilities perhaps. However, this isn’t the gamut of all Christian singles. There are many older Christian singles in the elder age range within the Millennial generation, some Gen X and others who have the responsibility of working a 9-5, running a household, taking care of elder parent(s), running a business or two, and taking care of themselves. The difference between a married household and a single household is that there are two people devoted to the goals of the household whereas with singles there is only one person responsible for many of the same things that married people are responsible for. Thus, if one person is taking on similar responsibility to a married household especially if they have children or elders to look after; they may not have the extra time on their hands for everyone else’s goal being dropped into their hands.
This is why I encourage singles to live a balanced life. There will be seasons where we may be able to give more if our responsibilities are reduced, but there will also be seasons where we will have to say no to giving more so we can take care of our responsibilities and still find time to rest and rejuvenate ourselves to complete our responsibilities on an ongoing basis.
Please, don’t believe the lie that just because a person is single s/he has the time for projects and volunteer opportunities that do not belong to them. Please, consider asking a single person how they are doing? How is their schedule? Are they taking the necessary steps for proper self-care? Because singles may deal with loneliness more and desire close connection; singles may be more prone to overcommitting to things and activities at church and elsewhere just to have that connection. Please, be cautious of this single, and if you aren’t single and you notice this about a single; sit that single down letting him/her know that it’s okay to take care of him/herself.
Singles Experiencing Extended Singleness are Doing So Because They’ve Done Something Wrong
We are living in a cultural norm where there are 59% of Millennials single having never been married. As Millennials because of our ease in not committing to marriage so soon; we’ve been given accolades for decreasing the divorce rate not because we have been married for years, but because many of us are waiting to get married later in life.
There has been research for years showing that getting married later in life decreases the likelihood of divorce for obvious reasons such as greater maturity, greater financial stability, and greater personal development all contributing to the likelihood of staying together and selecting someone who compliments who we’ve become easier than in our teens or early twenties.
Only recently, a new study shows that getting married after the early 30s may increase the likelihood of divorce, but even the percentage of the increased likelihood of divorce is still lower than the teenage or twenty-something years. Thus, there is a benefit to marrying later. See the study by Institute for Family Studies.
Notice the factors that led to a greater likelihood of staying together had nothing to do with fear, pressure to marry soon, marriage because someone is pregnant, or marriage only because we’re getting older and the clock is ticking. That shows that when we make decisions for marriage out of stability; we have a greater chance at sticking it out together with our spouse. Thus, we cannot adopt the myth that we are single at an older age because there is something wrong with us. Instead, we should take advantage of the extended singleness to better become acquainted with ourselves, to grow in personal development, and to pursue the dreams God has placed on our hearts. Perhaps, God gave us a gift of singleness to accomplish something we would not have been able to accomplish as married women and men. Keep your mind positive and in alignment with what God says about you as someone experiencing extended singleness.
Recount the fact that God has been good to you protecting you from many things you’ve noticed your peers go through. You may not have a spouse and children of your own, but you also do not have a baby-father or baby-mother issues, an STD or emotional soul-ties that keep you stuck in unproductive and toxic relationships distracting you from the bright future God has for you. So, instead of believing the myth that as a single person you are single because you’re doing something wrong; be thankful that by God’s grace and favor you are doing something right. Read a similar article covered earlier in the blog The Labels That Singles Wear.
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