Jeremiah is the founder of Sex Can Wait a While. Sex Can Wait a While is a ministry that helps those practicing abstinence to be bold in their commitment to God and practicing abstinence until marriage. I sat down with Jeremiah, a 29-year-old man who waited until marriage for sex. I asked him some questions about his journey. The summary of our conversation is below:
How did you get started with practicing abstinence?
I was always influenced to wait until marriage. This message was not limited to my parents. My dad was a pastor and my mom grew up in church. They divorced when I was 17. I did not know that my parents were both virgins when they married. This is something I found out later. They’d never discussed that with me. I did not even receive a sex talk from them.
I always knew to wait. Someone that you’d decide to have sex with within my mind had to be my wife. It had been embedded in me. A lot of us wait because we are supposed to, but my question would be what is your why? Is there anything deeper than just because God wants us to wait? Why does God want you to wait? And why do you want to wait?
I think we have to figure out our foundation in wanting to wait. I did not figure out my real reason to wait until 25 years old. After starting Sex Can Wait a While, I was asked a question of why I was waiting and my strong reason became apparent. As a man, I am worth the wait. I am handsome. I am beautiful and valuable. Often, as Black men, we give away our flowers to a lot of women especially us Black men.
We call Black women Black queens, but what about you as a man? Brotha, you are worth just as much because you come from the same creator. I found out that I’m a treasure too. I know I’m worth the wait. I know I am going to be a gift to someone out there.
I shared with Jeremiah how important that point is that he bought up about men valuing themselves and taking care of themselves just like we teach women to do. A man who values himself properly and takes care of himself well is preparing well to be a husband as the Bible teaches men in Ephesians that husbands should care for their wives as they do their bodies (Eph 5:29.)
The principle of self-care is also very important as a married person. Women as nurturers and taking care of the children and the household face a temptation to lose themselves in the role of a wife and a mother; similarly, to how a married man can lose himself in the role of providing and working. It’s so important for men to also continue to value themselves outside of just what they can provide. Traditionally, the man has identified with the role of providing, but when he loses his job in some cases he doesn’t know what to do.
When you realized your value as a man, how did you continue in the pattern of practicing self-care as a man?
Just basic stuff like being healthy. Making sure I eat the right things. These are all ways I’ve practiced self-care: eating my vegetables, visiting the dentist and doctor regularly. Men need to know what’s up with their bodies, so definitely go to the dentist and the doctor. I wanted something that I could start on my own. That is when I came up with the idea of a talk showed called, “Gentleman’s Club Talk Show.”
Me: Giggles, that sounds like a strip club. I’m glad you put the talk show part at the end.
Jeremiah: Yes, it was a talk show that talked about things about men. We discussed mental health, men and women relationships, guests, emotional intelligence, how to treat a lady. We did not discuss the stereotypical things expected of us. After that, I began a clothing brand and after the clothing brand started, God gave me the idea for Sex Can Wait a While.
For me, I did not go to college. I always longed to meet people who are successful and did not go to college. Sometimes, when everyone around you has a degree, you feel like you are missing out on something, but God allowed me to be successful without a degree. One thing that was healthy for me is accepting the fact that going to school to get a degree was not God’s pathway to success for me. There are lots of people out there without a degree who are successful.
What would you say has been most challenging waiting within a culture where men are encouraged to do what they want sexually?
Opinions from other people. I am going to be honest with you. I had no problem sharing about being a virgin or being a Christian. I was confident. A lot of times people were so focused on finding someone else like us; that they were focusing on just shining like a light. You may not ever find someone like you. Further, virgins have different views. A virgin may not be waiting until marriage. Some virgins are waiting until they find the right one.
I recently posted on Facebook that my audience would be so surprised at how many people waited until they got to the altar to have their first kiss. Many people said the idea of waiting for marriage for the first kiss was being too saved. They did not believe it and thought it was too much. I wanted to prove these people wrong. So, I decided to find a whole bunch of couples who waited to have their first kiss and prove these people wrong. When people hear certain things for the first time; it’s difficult for them to believe it and they see it as a lie. When people challenge me, I welcome it in such a way as saying, “welcome into my world.” I introduce them into not only the world of virgins, but people who are abstinent, celibate, and who believe in doing things God’s way. And people who have already done it God’s way and are continuing to do it God’s way—because purity doesn’t stop after marriage, but it continues. It isn’t just people who are believers, but we will get the most crap from believers who worship the same God.
What would you say you are most thankful for having done things God’s way?
I don’t have anyone to compare my wife to and that’s facts. Because no one has gotten a taste of her body and no one has gotten a taste of my body. And you know what sis, it’s so comfortable. You always feel security when you do things God’s way. God continues to confirm daily why my wife is the best for me. There is no comparison. I don’t want to say that it is overwhelming security, but I know I made the right choice.
How did you and your wife end up meeting?
We met on Facebook. Remember I told you I was doing the radio show. Her best friend is an actor and was doing something in the same building where I had been doing the radio show and some photography. My men’s talk show was on Facebook live and she would watch it and comment on the live. I would respond to those who commented. We just became cool afterward. We did not hit it off right away. We would talk from time to time. Later some months, I asked her when was going to be the next time she’d praise dance and I’ll come through. She sent me the flyer and I showed up. I was selling some clothes and she bought a shirt. I watched her dance and I invited her to I-hop after the concert. One of my friends hit me up asking me to go to an art gallery and I left for the art gallery with my friend.
When did you both start liking each other?
I hit her up a couple of weeks later and said I know we were supposed to hang out, but I left out. What are you doing now? We went to Outback Steakhouse after church. After that outing, we began hanging out a lot. The following January is when we began to develop feelings for one another. The event where she was praise dancing was in September of the previous year.
As a single man when you were previously waiting, what did you do when you felt the pressure of those in the church and various places against your stance on waiting?
I did not care. Honestly, I’d get mad when other people would let those things get to them, so I would encourage others. I barely heard those types of negative things around me. You know how when you are around someone you pick up on their spirit. People would pick up on my spirit and they would not bring it to me. Men know who the good dudes are and they respected that. My mindset was I am not supposed to be of this world. I’m in it, but not of it. I was not going to hang out with people who believed differently. People hung with me. If I’d hung out with the wrong people I would have been influenced by those people. I instead focused on influencing other people.
Were there times when you were single before you’d met your wife when you were lonely and how did you deal with that loneliness?
When I hear the word loneliness, I think about people being miserable. That was not me. I enjoyed my singleness. I only had two girlfriends, and when I had them, I could not wait to break up. I would be like, “God you got to get me out of this.” Those relationships weren’t what God had ordained for me. These were relationships that I’d tried to put together. It was not God. I knew they weren’t the ideal women for me.
This point that Jeremiah made is so important because we often date out of loneliness or trying to allow someone else to feel a void that needs to be left open right now. Sometimes, God wants to teach us with the void of loneliness that he is enough for us. It’s similar to Apostle Paul who prayed that God would take something away from him, but God said no—my grace is sufficient for you.
God may want us to experience how his grace is enough to keep us during our single lonely nights where we wish to be held by someone or when we want to make love to someone.
Jeremiah Speaking Again:
I still embraced my singleness in relationships. I remember God dealing with me while on the phone with one of my girlfriends. Some people find it hard to embrace their singleness while in a dating relationship. There were those asking permission of their boyfriends/girlfriends to go hang out etc. I believed that I could hang out by myself if I wanted to and did not have to ask permission.
I don’t consider myself to have had a spirit of loneliness, but there were times where I really wanted a girl. There were lots of women that I liked who did not like me back.
(Russelyn) I’ve experienced this too where a lot of men I’m interested in aren’t also interested in me either. Even on the dating apps, a lot of guys I heart do not heart back. So, I know how that is.
(Jeremiah) I had a lot of fun as a single person traveling, going wherever I wanted to go. We should not place ourselves in a box as singles. God wants us free. We place ourselves in relationships that shackle us up and when God does send the right relationship, we are afraid because we aren’t ready.
Have you ever thought to yourself, I wonder if women of God, who are waiting, go through the same things as men?
Yes. I was always excited to delve into conversation with women experiencing the same thing. There was that comradery of, “Oh Wow! You too!” I thought it was really dope. A question that I hate is, “Jeremiah where are the good men at? And where are the virgin men at?” You know why because of where the question comes from. The person who asks that question normally is coming from a bad place and not a humble place.
Meeting someone like ourselves I will say is comforting. A lot of times, people think that you should be quiet about doing things God’s way. But do you know why, “Sex Can Wait a While,” exists as a community of people who practice abstinence? It exists because I was not quiet. That is why it is a community.
I shared with Jeremiah that I believe many people needed him to share his message because many who are abstinent in the church are full of fear afraid to share their message of abstinence. Also, I shared how the church is partly responsible for this because I’ve heard several pastors preach that virgins or those who practice abstinence are perfect and holier than though. Virgins are not perfect nor holier than thou.
I have not heard a preacher preach this recently, but those who previously preached this about virgins now have daughters and I don’t think they would discourage their daughters from practicing abstinence by putting the stigma of holier than thou on them.
Have you ever been rejected by a woman due to your stance on abstinence?
Not overtly, but I do believe so. I know a lot of women picked up on what type of a guy I was. Some women I was interested in did not want this type of guy. Some women want the thug dude and I knew it. They’d say things like: “you are so sweet.’ But I’m not a thug and I knew what they were on.
Adam woke up and saw Eve and he did not have to chase her. Eve was placed where Adam was. The thing is you don’t have to fight for anybody. God made her available.
Do you believe it’s possible to be sexually disciplined as a man?
No. 1, I do believe it is possible. I got married at 36 years old as a virgin. My wife was 38 years old and still a virgin. Keep yourself off of social media if that is a distraction for you. Turn off the Pornhub. Read a book. You need something that is going to distract you from your flesh. Figure out what is the best distraction for your flesh and focus on that. Be aware of the television shows that you watch and the things you listen to. Tell someone. There is a scripture in James that says to confess our faults one to the other for healing. Tell someone what you are going through. I promise you there is someone who has already gone through what you are going through. Don’t be afraid. Get into a community group. Swallow your pride. Put your pride in your pocket.
Russelyn
Again, it is possible. That unbelief often leads people into sin. Many people will not even try to submit to God in the area of sexual sin because they don’t believe they can do it. I love bringing the scripture up that says God’s grace is sufficient for our weakness. Our flesh is weak, but the spirit is willing. Whatever area we are weak in we can look for God to show up and give us strength. That is my personal testimony as a virgin that God showed up for me. He gives me strength. So, when I get weak or horny—I look for God’s strength to show up for me so I can endure these natural desires and still honor God.
Jeremiah
No one knows the day or the hour Christ is coming back or when they’ll meet their husband/wife. The question is will you be satisfied where you are at? I do believe that if it is in your heart; you’ll be married, but the reality is it isn’t for everyone.
God wants us to mature. A lot of people aren’t mature. Women are worried about penis size and men, breast and booty size. God has more than that. That literally destroys the whole ideology of what your husband or wife should be.
Russelyn
That reminds me of these Instagram models that a lot of these men are seeking. A lot of people are saying that men are looking for a wife to look like these Instagram models who aren’t really real. They don’t really look the way they present themselves all of the time.
Jeremiah
Well, the Instagram models don’t want them. That is just a fantasy. They don’t want these men. They want the men’s money. They get paid. They are booty-girls. If you aren’t cutting a check; get out of their DMs. That isn’t God.
Russelyn
Unfortunately, some of these men will end up paying for the fact that they aren’t listening.
Jeremiah
Yes, they will pay for it and literarily pay for it.
We know that we can be virgins and be impure. What did your journey look like in getting to that place of purity and maturity in God?
I talk about this heavily in my book, Virgin Men Exist. This was an issue for me. I did not know that masturbation was called masturbation, but I just knew it felt good. I was not introduced to masturbation by anyone or television. It just happened naturally. I was curious. It became a struggle and an addiction for me. I would start and stop again and again until one day God finally took it away. I’d prayed multiple times for God to take it away. When God did that, I felt as though God could do anything. A lot of times the things we have to pray about are the things we never thought God could do. A lot of times, I did not even think that I could stop. I’d gotten to the point where I did not even need my hands to participate in masturbation. I believe it’s called mental masturbation. I was trying to stop on my own. I needed to stop by giving it all to God.
What was it in you that caused you not to give up in seeking God to deliver you from this? Some people feel like hey, I wake up and the sexual act is already occurring so they may as well give up. They may stop seeking God believing that they are just a bad person. You must have had to have hope in who you were in Christ to believe that God would deliver you from that.
Jeremiah
After the masturbation was over, I would feel drained liked everything was taken out of me. It was a terrible feeling. I’d gotten to the point where I would not ask for forgiveness from God anymore. I felt I was going to God too much because I felt I would just mess up in this area tomorrow, but God wants us to keep coming to him. God wants that humble heart. This is where God’s grace and power can come in as God gives grace to the humble.
Some church people will say that masturbation is like practicing having sex with a person. It isn’t. It’s a selfish act. It’s supposed to be shared with that other person. Adam was not beating off when Eve was bought to him because if he was the attitude would have been, “what are you here for?”
Is there anything else you’d like to share with the people? Where can people find you and your business?
Sexcanwaitawhile.co. You will be able to see our gear there. My book is now available on Amazon. Christian fashion week is September 30th – October 3rd. This will be the first annual Christian fashion week. Also, virginmendoexist.com is where you can find my book as well. The primary community for Sex Can Wait a While is on Instagram @sexcanwaitawhile.
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