I grew up in what I thought was a pretty loving home until I saw my father, who’s a preacher, hit my mother at the age of seven years old for the first time. It was a consistent image that would be ever-present in front of me until I was 17 years old. At that age, my mom got the courage to get a divorce. Having endured the turmoil accompanied by my parents’ tumultuous relationship, as a child, I often held an unfortunate ringside seat to the dysfunction that swarms the homes of children living amid parents whose relationships are thwarted with domestic violence.
However, between the ages of 7-17 years old, my mom left my father a total of eight times
before walking away completely. She would flee for safety. During those times, additional caregivers stepped in and they would count me out. They didn’t know how to connect with a child who had been the witness of domestic violence, and who had been removed from her home, her safety net, and other siblings. As a result, I was withdrawn.
My mom was treated with empathy; while I felt ignored. It was these experiences that laid seed in my soul to act out as a cry for help. This dysfunction not only crept into my teenage years but as an adult. I developed coping mechanisms that would cause me to self-medicate in a variety of ways including drinking, smoking, addiction to sex, walking away from the church, and various toxic relationships. All of these behaviors resulted in additional trauma.
Despite the struggles, I found myself in my early 20s as a developing success story on the outside, while in my personal and professional life, I was met with roadblock after roadblock. The roadblocks revealed to me that while I had titles, accolades, and credentials there was a great part of me that needed much work. Further, the scars that I had as a child begin to show up in the most unexpected places. As I begin to forge full throttle into dealing with the roadblocks, it became evident that I needed to make some decisions and with those decisions change.
I was able to quickly identify myself in the statistics regarding kids that grow up in domestic violence homes. According to Dr. Sandra A. Graham-Bermann, professor of Psychology and Psychiatry of University of Michigan:
“The impact of Childhood Domestic Violence can be lifelong in terms of physical and mental health problems, such as anxiety, depression, and traumatic stress, difficulty in relationships with others, academic and employment failures, and trouble parenting.”If I hadn’t taken a stand to face myself and my demons, then the above as it pertains to traumatic stress, difficulty in relationships with others to name a few would’ve been my end story. God still loved me and had a place for me. God knew His purpose and calling was greater for me. What looked like a place of death, turned into an opportunity to face that broken little girl resulting in ending the negative cycle.
I am now using the pains of my past to bring advocacy and awareness, facilitate healing and wholeness, and to hopefully prevent others from going through what I’d been through. I refused to let this generational curse continue. It was my goal to make it stop with me. After acknowledging the trauma and its effects, I took the needed steps to realign my life to maintain wholeness through extensive counseling and understanding the correct theology of the Word.
After what seemed like much tousling, many lessons, and bruised beyond human error, I decided to get better by doing the work to heal. In that healing, I realized that everything that has transpired in my life; good and bad, have been intentional for the Kingdom of Heaven. My talents, passions, career moves, and innate abilities were being orchestrated for my life purpose. I am now a woman of great faith, happily married wife, and bonus mom to two adult daughters.
My book shares the effects of growing up in a home with domestic violence, along with overcoming the barriers of not repeating the cycle. It gives hope to children and adults that have experienced trauma in these environments that you can rewrite your story. You’ll see my passion in advocacy towards providing resources to help and heal children and adults exposed to domestic violence. Purchase book at: tiffanymensah.com or “Forgotten: Living in the Shadows of Domestic Violence”
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