A consistent theme women see in movies and through shared experiences is a girl kissing many frogs to get to her prince. Or a woman walking through hell with one man being, “strong” until she finally gets to the light at the end of the tunnel where she experiences love.
However, when it comes to abuse and total disregard for covenant sometimes that light at the end of the tunnel doesn’t come. It may even get darker. This is the reality of a scenario where both parties of a marriage or a relationship aren’t on the same page and aren’t trying to get on the same page.
Women Shouldering the Burden
So much responsibility is often placed on the woman to endure, suffer, go through, and be strong while she covers her man and her man leaves her uncovered. This type of experience usually results in resentment and brokenness.
Is this what God requires of women? Does he want us broken until a man gets an epiphany that we are worthy of love and protection? These are some of the questions that naturally come up when listening to the story of the Steeles.
A recent interview with a husband-and-wife couple on the Dear Future Wifey show highlighted a woman who’d experienced years of cheating by her husband as they’d married young. He was immature and in the streets in their marriage back then.
The wife considered leaving her husband. However, as she was headed for the door, she felt that she should stay. That night, she shared she’d had a dream about her husband being a preacher. From then on, she began to submit to God allowing him to minister to her as she embraced her worth.
Her view of her husband became that of a man who needed help and a savior. The compassion she grew towards him took up space where bitterness and resentment would have naturally lied. Mrs. Steele even went to the point of ironing her husband’s clothing for him before he would go to step outside of their marriage.
God Graced Mrs. Steele for her Decision to Stay
Mrs. Steele shared, “God had graced her for this experience.” Does God providing grace for an experience mean we should stay within an experience? I am going to say no. It means that God is simply honoring our choice. Scripture is clear in this scenario that each party in the marriage covenant has a choice.
“To the rest, I say this (I, not the Lord): If any brother has a wife who is not a believer and she is willing to live with him, he must not divorce her. And if a woman has a husband who is not a believer and he is willing to live with her, she must not divorce him. For the unbelieving husband has been sanctified through his wife, and the unbelieving wife has been sanctified through her believing husband. Otherwise, your children would be unclean, but as it is, they are holy.”
“But if the unbeliever leaves, let it be so. The brother or the sister is not bound in such circumstances; God has called us to live in peace. “
“How do you know, wife, whether you will save your husband? Or, how do you know, husband, whether you will save your wife?” – 1 Corinthians 7:12-16
God Isn’t Calling Us to Bondage
We see the scriptures laying out the scenario. If the unbelieving spouse wants to stay with the believing spouse—don’t leave. However, if the unbelieving spouse departs, let him/her go. God isn’t calling us to bondage but peace. God could have saved Mr. Steele in Mrs. Steele’s absence. Her staying was not a requirement for his healing. It was her choice. She had the full freedom to leave according to scripture. Mr. Steele had left their marriage several times stepping out as well as communicating he did not want to be with her. Further, scripture warns us not to associate with abusive people.
But now I have written to you not to keep company with anyone named a brother, who is sexually immoral, or covetous, or an idolater, or a reviler, (abuser) or a drunkard, or an extortioner—not even to eat with such a person. – 1 Corinthians 5:22
Because she chose to stay, God used her as an example to her husband helping to foster his reconciliation with the Lord:
Wives, in the same way, submit yourselves to your own husbands so that, if any of them do not believe the word, they may be won over without words by the behavior of their wives, – 1 Peter 3:1
God’s empowerment to Mrs. Steele allowed her behavior to foster the conviction power of God within Mr. Steele. Submission to the Holy Spirit’s leading is the only way this can be done when someone chooses to stay.
Finally, the above scripture stated the uncertainty involved in knowing if the believing spouse will save the unbelieving spouse or not. In other words, there is an opportunity when a believer is married to an unbeliever for the unbeliever to become a recipient of the believer’s walk through the process of sanctification.
Sanctification means a washing away of the old way and an adoption of the new way—the way of holiness. Conviction is exercised in the unbelieving spouse due to the actions of the believing spouse. That conviction drives the unbelieving spouse to the process of sanctification and repentance.
The scriptures simply appear to lay out a template for married believers to make their own decisions.
Mrs. Steele was simply exercising her choice like so many married women and men who have taken the route of choosing to stay with their spouse. It appears God simply honored Mrs. Steele’s choice giving her the grace and strength to love her partner through the hurt. The result of their process in marriage led to her husband’s sanctification.
A Choice to Stay Motivated by Dysfunction and Not Faith
Many married couples have taken this route including the Mary Mary girls, Tina and Erica. It is simply a choice. In light of these positive testimonies and outcomes for those who chose to stay, those who choose to protect their peace in leaving aren’t condemned either. There is grace for their journey too.
Mrs. Steele’s choice to stay was motivated by an unhealthy experience from her childhood not just by faith. She was in an unhealthy space and when we are in unhealthy spaces we put up with unhealthy things reaping the consequences.
Hence, why it’s so important to get into a healthy place prior to choosing a partner. However, the scriptures above and the testimony deal with people who weren’t saved or healthy at first. Later, one party got saved.
In that place, do we have to put up with abuse as women in expectation to be loved? The answer is no. Just because someone’s story had a positive ending from trauma and abuse to genuine love and care—that doesn’t mean that if we practice the same—we will have the same result.
Remember it is a choice. What we did not see was the full-on process. We did not see the dire strain their process required. Did Mrs. Steele no longer feel drawn to her husband because of the lack of safety of his actions? Did she ever battle bitterness? Was she still sexually active with him while he was stepping out? How did she protect herself if she was? These are all very serious issues that can arise from such a serious situation.
While their story was told to appear beautiful, it was a messy situation that required wisdom, a solid support system, and professional help to navigate through to result in a healthy outcome. We know the Lord is the wonderful counselor—but what did that look like? What lessons were learned that can be passed down to others?
While I honor and respect marriage and Mrs. Steele’s testimony—the idea that women need to build a man and stick out through thick and then of abuse is dangerous. It’s also prideful. Many women have gone through unnecessary hardship trying to take a man and build him into a man of integrity.
Showing a man you can put up with all of the abuse he spits out may or may not cause him to have a change of heart because, in the end, men need to get it for themselves to change.
God doesn’t encourage women to go around looking for men to build into healthy men. Scripture encourages single women to practice discernment. However, if you find yourself in that situation, the earlier scriptures provide a template.
Mrs. Steele commented in response to a question from Latteras that encouraged women to seek to build a man up or else that’s why they are single. While she did not intend her statement to be irresponsible, it was.
Statements like that show a lack of being in touch with what is going on in the world of singleness and dating. She attempted to clean up her statement by stating the usual stereotypes that are forced on Black women and single women.
Those stereotypes say that women want a man who is 6 feet tall and makes 6 figures. However, the question Laterras asked was not about that.
It showed a hint of pride for what the Lord empowered her to do as if she did it on her own. The truth is we cannot rely on our own strength, wisdom, or pride. We have to rely on Christ. God uses wisdom to protect his single daughters and sons.
There are many people who are single simply because they are being protected by God. Those people have realized their childhood traumas and decided to work through them with God’s help. They’ve chosen to avoid making relationship choices based on those traumas. Instead, they walk in health and wholeness and only entertain others who are doing the same.
That is God’s standard. That is God’s best. Choosing to obey God and walk with him protects us from some things. We don’t have to journey through the hell of relationships to get to a heavenly one. We want every marriage and relationship to work out so we rejoice at testimonies like the Steeles knowing it doesn’t have to be our own. Our stories can be different and that is okay.
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