Common Misconceptions Single Men and Women Have About One Another:

Common Misconceptions Single Men and Women Have About One Another

A while back we did a radio show on some of the common misconceptions that single Christian men have about women, and women have about men. In case you missed that episode, I’ve posted a snippet of the male-perspective below and also me closing out the topic for that evening. Please, feel free to share your thoughts on the comment thread. Open and honest dialogue is always encouraged here on Intercession For A Generation’s blog:

Personal Responsibility and A Balanced View on Ferguson:
12/8/20141 Comment
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The situations that stirred up so much contention and controversy in Ferguson are bigger than Ferguson. The source of contention and strife have to do with the way that we understand and relate to one another of different backgrounds, the tiredness of consistent injustice, and personal responsibility in dealing with various situations.

One of the most relevant things that the President stated the night that the Ferguson Police Department announced its verdict was when he mentioned the history of racial tension and discrimination in this country of America. I will admit we have come along way. Integration has been around for a little over fifty years with laws in place to protect the rights of all Ethnic groups, religions and such who seek the natural civil liberties that every American requires.

However, although we have made several strides over the years the war against racism and social injustice is far from over. We know that racism is more hidden now and less blatant in many cases as it relates to housing, businesses, and other structural institutions. There is a way of communicating one’s racist beliefs in such a way as to not draw immediate negative attention in order to avoid consequence, but it still exists.

With that understanding, I will not say that every problem stems from racism. Some problems simply come from a lack of understanding of a group of people. For example, when I went to California just a couple of months ago, I figured I’d go to an open mic comedy cafe’. I was sitting at the table and a comedian was on the stage. He was a White guy. He made jokes specifically about Black women. The first joke was okay. It was about a Black woman’s weave.

However, he started talking about how Black women are crazy and how he was afraid to have a Black girlfriend because she would catch him cheating by smelling his private area and he went on about the crazy Black woman. I was the only Black woman in there and I just focused on my food and ate waiting for him to get off the stage.

He was kind of embarrassed because no one was laughing especially me. I just ignored it as comedy that was based on stereotypes and wasn’t really funny. He got off stage and just left afterward. I would assume that the comedian did not have very many Black female friends. He probably watches shows like Jerry Springer, where unfortunately, there actually was a Black woman saying the things that he said during his set. However, in reality there are many other Black women who carry themselves with a since of pride, dignity, and self-respect.

My point is we cannot judge one another of different backgrounds by stereotypes perpetrated in the media or anywhere else. Unfortunately, many of the stereotypes relating to Black men are negative and therefore Black men are looked at as being more violent than other racial groups. Because of the many negative stereotypes that are aimed at Blacks in general, Black people have had to be extra excellent at whatever we have done in order to disprove the negative stereotypes of the mainstream.

Black people are not the only ones who fall victim to stereotypes. There are stereotypes that Blacks have about Whites as well. For example, normally when there is a school shooting, mass shooting, or serial killer, some Black people are surprised if the killer is Black because the norm for mass shooters have largely not been Black in the media. In a sense, every race of people can be guilty of having negative perceptions about one another, but those perceptions should begin to die the more that we begin to see each other as humans deserving of love and respect.

Many have asked why are so many people angry and saddened by what took place when Darren Wilson was not indicted for the death of Michael Brown, as if the Michael Brown incident was an isolated incident. The truth of the matter is that the Michael Brown incident is not an isolated incident, but an incident that the Black community has seen far too much. There is a reason why people are angry. People are fed up and tired. The message to those who are angry should not be to get over it and move on, but rather to channel their anger in a way that will bring about a positive outcome to prevent things of this nature from reoccurring in the future.

There is no sin in being angry. The sin comes about when we make poor choices due to our anger. Scripture reminds us to be angry, but not to sin. When we make poor choices because of our anger, it takes away from the injustice that was done to us, making us appear to be the one in the wrong (Ephesians 4:26).

To add insult to injury, when a case becomes prominent of an unarmed Black male being killed, that male is always made to look like a criminal to justify the shooting. That is extremely hurtful to the families and all involved. We have seen it with the Trayvon Martin case, of which I am still upset that his killer was not brought to justice, the Michael Brown case, and even in the case of Tamir Rice, the 12 year old boy shot by police in Cleveland. There are stories circulating about his father having a history of domestic violence. What does that have to do with justifying a 12-year old boy being shot and killed? I am not condoning any inappropriate behavior, but if we all got shot for all of the mistakes we made as young people, we all would be dead.

Do I believe that all police officers are bad? No. Do I believe that all White police officers are racist? No. Do I believe that all police shootings are motivated by racism? No, but I do believe that some are motivated by an inappropriate perception of someone who has a different racial background than that of the officers. Other cases are motivated by the lack of accountability for police officers to be brought to justice on certain actions. It is common for police departments to protect officers, and I can understand that to a degree because police officers put their lives on the line to protect citizens and sometimes they simply make mistakes and need grace just like any other person.

However, when the same occurrence of unarmed Black males dying at the hands of officers continues to occur, then something needs to be done. I believe in order to see effective change concerning this issue, there has to be a collaborative effort by everyone effected. That includes accountability from those outside of the local state to ensure that citizens have a fair chance and that their rights are not being violated. The cameras are also a good idea because it takes away from the questions of what really happened. In many cases, it has been the livings’ testimony against the dead. Lastly, families teaching their sons and daughters how to deal with the police, and more diverse examples of Black males in media.

More diverse examples of Black males in media would include decreasing the violence in our own communities. Unfortunately, it isn’t good to only see our communities of color come together when there is an offense that has taken place involving a White person, but when African Americans kill one another it is acceptable. I was very upset when I watched a documentary of the L.A. Riots that showed a truce between two popular Black gangs because of the misconduct of White officers, but any other time they would be killing one another. That is unacceptable. We have to do better.

Thankfully, in the day and age of social media, news of injustice can spread quickly and cause a positive movement that effects change that impacts all races and nationalities. I am glad to see many people who are not Black as well as other Blacks marching for Garner, Trayvon Martin, and Michael Brown, so that their lives would not have been taken in vain, but that it would effect positive change for others.

As the media, rides the wave of social injustice, we have to be careful to not just respond in anger, but to respond in prayer also praying for those that are in authority to make the right decisions and praying for everyone as a whole.

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Are You Being A Good Steward Over Your Gift of Singleness?
12/3/20143 Comments
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I firmly believe that it is God who puts people together and who causes others to be single for a season ordained for that person in order to carry out the specific purpose that God has in mind. I also believe that whatever calling rests upon an individual’s life whether single or married that God will give that individual the grace to do all that God is calling for with his specific assignment for him.

With that said we know that the Bible teaches us that singleness is a gift and marriage is a gift (1 Corinthians 7:7i). The question is what are we doing with are current state of singleness for those of us out there who are single? Are we being good stewards of this gift God has entrusted to us or are we focusing on trying to trade our gift for something else. Below are a few things that I think would help singles to better enjoy their time of singleness, and yes just like any other gift should be enjoyed, the gift of singleness should be enjoyed and maximized as well.

Having a positive outlook of what it means to be single: Unfortunately, singleness is too often looked at as a negative thing or a disadvantage, but singleness has a lot of advantages. We know that the Bible speaks about a single person’s first priority is that of being concerned with the things of God and living a life of holiness in both body and in spirit. It is an honor and a privilege that God would set us apart to be concerned specifically with his purpose. It shows that he respects us and trusts us to be concerned with the things that concern him. This opens up the door for greater intimacy with God which results in greater understanding of him. Unfortunately, a lot of people aren’t privy to this because either they have another calling such as marriage that distracts them from being able to have an intimate relationship with God in such an easy manner or they are seeking after other things.

Prioritizing to live a life of holiness in body and in spirit ii: When we make a priority of living for God in a way that is holy both in body and in spirit, we free ourselves up from the distractions of condemnation that we often have to fight when we are struggling with sin, and we invite God into our lives on a more intimate level. Sin separates us from God and his presence, but the opposite of sin, which is holiness and obedience causes us to welcome the presence of God.

The reward for holiness is the presence of God. God’s word teaches that the man that follows holiness and walks in peace toward men will see Godiii. I believe that is significant of a greater intimacy with God. Lately, I’ve been in a season where I’ve been waking up and going to sleep feeling the presence of God. That in it’s own way is my fuel to say, as I go into this next year no matter what I have to face, I will fight to be obedient even when it is hard because I remember God’s presence. I remember what it is like to feel his love and to love him in return, and that is what I want to do. The Bible says that if we love God we keep his commandments. Let God’s love for you and the idea of focusing on his love for you be the fuel that makes you willing to fight your flesh or any sinful threat that would seek to separate you from the presence of the Lord.

Not allowing yourself to be distracted: When you have made up in your mind to prioritize living a life of holiness to God, don’t be surprised if all of a sudden distractions pop-up out of no where. During those times, that distractions show their face, we have to be intentional in making a choice not to entertain the things that God has not ordained. Whether it is a man or a woman who is not a God-send in your life, or if it is an idol that is causing you to waste your precious time. Idols could be anything that you have chosen to give the greater attention to rather than what God has called you to for this season of your life. An idol could be a friendship that God no longer has ordained for you, or fantasying about sex where you have lifted up the idea of sex so much to the point where you can no longer focus on the fact that you are supposed to be single right now i.e. not getting any. God has called us to live a life of peace in whatever state that we are in. Normally, when we do not have peace in our current situation, we may have either outgrown that situation or we may have shifted our focus to something that it is not yet time for thus creating frustration for where God has currently called us.

Being productive: I know we have heard all of these things before, but it doesn’t hurt to be reminded that the time of being single is a great time to realize those gifts and talents that God has placed within us. Being productive requires keeping our attention on the things that will bring forth good fruit in our lives and hopefully spill over into the lives of others not backbiting, gossiping, or being jealous of one another, but being mature. Being productive allows us to take leaps of faith that we may feel more reserved to take later when we have a family to support. Getting started with being productive can be as simple as using what you already have in your hands. If you have a job, you can use some of the income from your job as seed money to do whatever it is God is calling you to do. Every one doesn’t have to get behind your plan to make it work. You get behind your vision and other people will see you behind your vision and they will begin to support you as well.

I remember when God told me to put my website up. I was very reserved in doing so telling the Lord I would need confirmation before I followed through on putting up my website. I immediately got a text message after praying that prayer saying that God hasn’t lite a candle for it to be hiddeniv. It was so cool how that happened. One of my mentors who texted me didn’t even know I had just prayed that prayer.

It wasn’t my idea to be somewhat in front of people blogging and such, it was God’s idea. I never would have known what God wanted for my life without prioritizing him and seeking him for myself in prayer and reading of his word. Whenever we prioritize God we will find ourselves ending up exactly where we are supposed to be, and we’ll be the most productive than we can ever be.

Being Thankful: Being thankful helps us to enjoy the right now, to be thankful for what has been, and to have a hope for what will be. When we are thankful for what we already have, we don’t have time to wish we had more. Thankful people maximize what they already have.

Sowing into the lives of others: Sowing and reaping is one of the greatest principles that God has set up in the earth. God looks at the idea of a person not reaping what he has sown as mockery toward himself. It just doesn’t happen. God does not allow himself to be mocked in that way. Whatever a person sows, he will reap (Galatians 6:7). That’s God’s word and his word is bond. Therefore, as singles we should not be lacking in anything as long as we have some seed to sow, and God gives seed to those who have a heart to sowv. So, if we need love, we should find someone to sow love into for example, a church mother, widow, elder person, family member, or a child that we are mentoring. The point is if we sow love we will get love in return. If we sow our listening ear, we will get a listening ear. Sowing and reaping isn’t just about money although it can be used in that manner. Wouldn’t it be wonderful to look back after we are ready to settle down and get married and see all of the fruit of our labor as singles and say to ourselves wow that was really something.

Unfortunately, a lot of people who are married now did not have such fortunate single lives as some of us have been afforded the opportunity to have. Some people, who are now married, wasted their singleness trying to fit in doing any and everything under the sun that they should not have been doing and have nothing to show for it.

Others married before they really realized who they were, or what they wanted out of life. Some married people leave their marriages to find themselves. While others wait until they are finished raising their kids to pursue their dreams. If God has given you an opportunity now as a single to be productive as you enjoy your life and change the lives of others in a positive way than maximize that gift until he decides to say you’ve done well with that gift now here is another gift. Remember, that is what God did with the stewards over the talents in Matthew 25. Those, who were productive received more, but those who weren’t productive, what they had got taken away. Be sure to honor the current gift of singleness.

Finally, Not forgetting to do something for yourself: This is the one that I had been the weakest at,but I must say that I’ve gotten much better at being purposeful to do something for myself. Unfortunately, as singles sometimes we can do so much for others that we forget about ourselves and maybe some of the things that we would like to do. If you’ve always loved to dance, now is the time to take your dancing class, if you love to travel, than budget your money and get your travel on. Make some time for yourself to do things that you enjoy.

iFor I would that all men were even as I myself. But every man hath his proper gift of God, one after this manner, and another after that. 1 Corinthians 7:7 (KJV)

God gives the gift of the single life to some, the gift of the married life to others. 1 Corinthians 7:7 (Message Bible)

ii The unmarried woman careth for the things of the Lord, that she may be holy both in body and in spirit: but she that is married careth for the things of the world, how she may please her husband. 1 Corinthians 7:34

iiiFollow peace with all men, and holiness, without which no man shall see the Lord: Hebrews 12:14

iv Ye are the light of the world. A city that is set on an hill cannot be hid. Neither do men light a candle, and put it under a bushel, but on a candlestick; and it giveth light unto all that are in the house. Matthew 5:14-15

v Now he that ministereth seed to the sower both minister bread for your food, and multiply your seed sown, and increase the fruits of your righteousness; 2 Corinthians 9:10

3 Comments
Common Misconceptions Single Men and Women Have About One Another:
11/28/20140 Comments
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Common Misconceptions Single Men and Women Have About One Another

A while back we did a radio show on some of the common misconceptions that single Christian men have about women, and women have about men. In case you missed that episode, I’ve posted a snippet of the male-perspective below and also me closing out the topic for that evening. Please, feel free to share your thoughts on the comment thread. Open and honest dialogue is always encouraged here on Intercession For A Generation’s blog:

What do you think of the questions:

1.) A Christian woman who doesn’t appear desperate for a man must not want a man?

2.) A Christian woman who is serious about practicing abstinence before marriage will not want to have sex after marriage?

My take on the above is that hopefully as a Christian single we are not desperate for a spouse whether we are a man or a woman because when a person is desperate that is when a person begins to settle.

God hasn’t called anyone of us to settle. He has called us to his best. If we are honest, we don’t want someone to be with us because they are settling for us, but we want them to be all in to the point where they don’t want anyone but us if they had the choice to choose someone else. We want someone who is willing to commit to us to make it work in the good, bad, happy, and sad times not someone who said I’m just tired of being single.

Desperate should never be our demeanor as single women or men. Forget about a biological clock. We serve the God who split the red sea. He is able to exceed our expectations.

As far as men being afraid that women won’t want to engage in appropriate marital affections, men need to entrust this to God that the wife that God sends them will be appropriate for them. Being abstinent until marriage doesn’t make me want to refrain from sex after marriage, but to me it increases a curiosity and intensity of the sexual experience at the appropriate time.

Sometimes, I feel like the devil throws lies at singles in order to get them to believe that God’s way is not the best way. I often get kids asking me what if my spouse doesn’t have sex right or know how to kiss. I tell them to go to a sex therapist and work it out. There is just simply no excuse not to do things God’s way.

Before marriage, pre-marriage counseling needs to take place that discusses the sexual expectations and so forth of the partners. Every woman is unique. It’s often portrayed that men think about sex more than women and women don’t like sex, but I beg to differ with those portrayals.

Most women when treated right with the love and affection that she needs from a man is turned on by that and ready to go. There are both men and women who love sex that are saved Christians, but women’s physical response is fueled in a different way than a man’s is. If the husband takes a wife and treats her right, I just don’t believe he will have anything to worry about. What are your thoughts on these questions? Are there any other common misconceptions you would like to discuss?