Boundaries in Dating, a book by Dr. Henry Cloud and John Townsend. In it, they point out some very important boundaries and wisdom for dating. We’ll start by sharing his definition of a boundary as a property line. Just like property lines show where your property ends and another begins—your boundaries do the same.
He points out that your boundaries protect your emotional property by providing an intuition of when your boundaries are crossed. This is usually the case when someone tries to control you, get too close to you, or make you do something you aren’t comfortable doing.
Further, Cloud shares that boundaries define us. They point out what we are and are not love and hate, and our values. Being honest about these things he says makes the dating process easier. Examples of boundaries shared in the book are below:
- “Words: telling someone no and being honest about your disagreement”
- “The truth: bringing reality to a problem”
- “Distance: allowing time or physical space between two people to protect or as a consequence for irresponsible behavior”
- “Other people: Using supportive friends to help keep a limit”
Not owning our boundaries properly can lead to things like not being ourselves, dating the wrong person, and dating out of fear and hurt whether than values. These notes on boundaries in dating are the reason it’s so important to get to know ourselves before dating.
As Dr. Cloud says dating is for the mature. Other nuggets are shared in the book such as: Dealing with the Fear of loneliness, avoiding falling for someone you would not be friends with, and the issue with co-dependency.
Fear of Loneliness (Boundaries in Dating)
Dr. Cloud had worked with a woman who’d recently broken up with her boyfriend. Because of the excessive feeling of aloneness, the woman felt—she returned to the relationship she knew was not good for her. She had put up with bad relationships in her past showing a pattern of not being able to be alone. Below are things people put up with when dating based on loneliness:
- “Putting up with disrespectful behavior”
- “Putting up with things that do not align w/your values”
- “Settling for less than you know you desire or need”
- “Going back to a relationship you know should be over”
- “Getting into a relationship you know is going nowhere”
When dating from aloneness, the dating is done from your fear of being alone whether than your values. This is unhealthy. To overcome this, a boundary must be created where you do not allow yourself to date until you resolve the aloneness issue.
Solving aloneness should be done outside of a romantic relationship per Dr. Cloud. It should be done by these two things:
- Strengthening your relationship with God and avoiding using a romantic relationship to get God’s-sized needs healed.
- Strengthening your relationships with safe, loving, and caring people outside of romance. This would be friends and family.
Only after the aloneness is resolved is it safe to go back into dating.
Don’t Fall in Love with Someone You Cannot Be Friends With
A patient of Dr. Cloud’s had a good friend, Dennis, and a romantic interest, Ryan. The good friend aligned with the patient’s values, but Ryan did not. There was just a strong attraction drawing her to him that she could not justify. Essentially, it was an empty relationship based on romantic feelings alone. This could not develop into a sustainable relationship and the patient was setting herself up for disappointment by continuing to date Ryan. Dr. Cloud encouraged her to instead find a guy she was attracted to who possessed the same qualities as Dennis.
Dr. Cloud warns of the false hope that we can change someone with different values. Instead, we need to realize they would have to change on their own. See being attracted to him/her as a problem and focus yourself on the reality of the situation as much as possible. Don’t confuse feelings of longing for love or infatuation for love. Lastly, find accountability that will not allow you to get involved in such a relationship. It’s hard to be in denial when you have friends who tell you the truth.
Dependency in Dating
In dependent relationships, dependency is often confused with love. Dependency is good but can be an inhibitor for us taking responsibility to grow in areas where we are weak. For example, there is a story in the book where a woman named Lindsey depends on her boyfriend, Alex—to deal with all confrontations in her life. At one point, he’d felt used and confronted her.
Thankfully, she listened and began to work on her assertiveness in a support group. She saw this as an opportunity to grow instead of only depending on Alex. In relationships where our partner has strengths we do not—it is helpful for us to work on those areas of weakness rather than to only use their strengths.
There are several ways a dependent relationship can turn unhealthy. The stronger party could manipulate the weaker. The stronger person can resent the weaker. The weaker party could be dismissive of the stronger one’s feelings of resentment and so on.
Read more on Boundaries in Dating in the book. There are so many good nuggets to share. I’ll provide a follow-up article on the boundary of saving sex for marriage next time on the blog.
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