First things first, sex is very private, but Iris & Keith’s relationship on Married at First Sight has bought a large television audience into some of the day-to-day virgin shaming and fears produced because of it. Just take a look at some of the comments on social media about Iris to see what I mean.
Iris married Keith at first sight and later shared with him that she was a virgin. He seemed to welcome Iris with her virginity and all saying he’d be patient with her because he wanted their relationship to work.
Later, as the show progressed and the couple had not yet consummated their marriage, Keith shared the concern with Iris that her virginity may be an issue. With the pressure of marrying a man, she did not know and trying to build a relationship with him the added pressure and real fear that she may lose him if she doesn’t get with the program and become sexual real soon lingered. No one wants to have sex because of pressure. It should be done in genuineness when the two are ready in a scenario such as with MAFS.
Not to mention, something that should be special and private is being broadcast before millions on television. All of this pressure kind of put their physical intimacy at a standstill until this week. This week pastor Kyle talked with Keith while the sex therapist, Dr. Vivian Coles spoke with Iris. Getting some outside advice seemed to help them to get out of the funk of a standstill when it comes to intimacy.
However, virgin shaming is a real thing. Virgins are often very mature in many ways if they’re well-balanced like Iris, but no matter how sharp; they get placed in the immature category. It’s normal to shame or talk down to or about virgins. We sometimes become dumping cans for those who want to chide someone for being perfect. Just listen to some of your Sunday sermons, or take a look at social media where loose comments are thrown around to bring virgins back down to reality.
We are placed on a pedal-stool of perfection when in reality we are just human with the same basic needs as everyone else―love, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness. Because of the false perception of virgins; many virgins operate out of fear and fell to be themselves.
Virgins must conquer the fear of being misunderstood, never being loved, and virgins must accept themselves for who they are. We have to continue to develop in other areas outside of our sexuality despite those who limit us to the achievement of waiting for sex only. I remember one day I had gotten a prophetic word at a conference that said there is someone in this room who’s been through a lot of persecution and rejection, but God wants you to know the place where you are at is safe now.
It was about the persecution I’d been through back to back to back. I’d been in so much persecution for so long concerning my identity and also my virginity that I’d gotten tired of fighting. I was drained. I went into the restroom and cleansed my face because I’d been crying about the word. A young lady I’d seen a few times was in the restroom and I shared about the word and my virginity as if being a virgin was the reason I’d gone through so much and she told me it was a good thing to be a virgin.
I don’t think I’d heard anyone say that before. I’d been learning how to hate and despise myself by how others saw me and how I saw myself. That restroom break was the beginning of a new way of seeing myself. I’ve embraced who I am―all of who I am including my virginity. Yes, it’s something that many don’t understand and many people will place me in a category to tell me who I am and what I am worthy of and yes, I will lose male interests because of it, but it’s a part of who I am. I do think that because we as humans, in general, tend to remember the bad more than the good; we make a bigger deal of things than it really is.
Thankfully, Keith and Iris were able to get past it. They began opening up more physically, which is good. The real issue that was hindering their intimacy was communication. They needed to see things from each other’s perspective plus get a little guidance from the experts.
After they communicated and saw each other’s perspective; they were able to move forward.
The next time you think to shame a virgin for being a virgin; remember that we are human and communicate with us in respect and love to see things from our perspective as well. Don’t assume we are a particular way based on your insecurities that you refuse to address without first giving us a chance in getting to know us.
Lastly, I’m so proud of Iris for being her genuine self on the show despite the opinions of others. There are often deep convictions that draw us to remain celibate until marriage such as our devotion to God. It’s God who empowers us to live this life and go through all of the persecution and discomfort attached to it. He uses it to make us stronger and more resilient. To all of the fellow virgins out there do not ever be ashamed of your choice to wait until marriage to have sex.
Don’t believe the lies of the enemy or others, who put you on a pedal-stool to bring you down to see yourself as worthless. You are worthy of love, genuine affection and care just like every other human being.
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