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Defense Mechanisms in the Personality That Push Others Away:

Sometimes when we have un-dealt with insecurities or anxieties, we attempt to protect ourselves with defense mechanisms. I’ve seen this in some people who are close to me, and even in myself. Some people joke around more than normal when they are anxious as a defense mechanism. Sometimes, the joking may even seem annoying because it doesn’t seem to fit the situation. Others will project attention on the other person–normally in an accusatory way.

For example, a person who feels insecure in a particular area may attempt to belittle another person’s knowledge base or experience in that area if the other person appears to have it together. This takes the attention off of the person accusing and places it on the other person in conversation. In doing so, the projector feels that he has successfully protected himself, yet he remains clueless or insecure in his ability to resolve his own insecurity.

Another example is being sarcastic. The sarcastic person simply says things out of the blue that may or may not make sense and may be offensive. It also distracts from him or herself. Below I will share some things that I believe will help those who fall into defense mechanisms to protect their personalities:

Consider that you may be prideful

A prideful person is always looking to be perfect and have it all together, but the reality is that we all need help sometimes. Even God says that He gives grace to the humble. This means that it is okay to humble ourselves sharing that we may not know something or we may not have it altogether. When we practice humility allowing ourselves to be vulnerable; we gain wisdom instead of shame. The prideful person pretends to have it together and falls on his fanny.

When pride comes, then comes shame, but with humility comes wisdom. – Proverbs 11:2 (NHEB)

Return to Your Foundation in Christ at All Times 

One foundational truth that is key is the fact that we are fully accepted and fully loved. This is shown in Ephesians 1 where God discusses how he has adopted us and accepted us into the Beloved body of Christ. We are God’s beloved. We will need to often return to our foundation in order to hold up in life. When you think about a foundation, think about a house that is built on a foundation so that it can withstand any storm. God built the fact that we are fully accepted and fully loved into our DNA as believers in Christ. We should return to this often. This means that even if we make a mistake, don’t impress people, or don’t do something right, we are still loved–because God’s love is unconditional. We cannot earn it.

Having predestined us to adoption as sons by Jesus Christ to Himself, according to the good pleasure of His will,  to the praise of the glory of His grace, by which He made us accepted in the Beloved. – Ephesians 1:5-6

Trust the Community That God Gives You

If God has set you up with people who love you like him and tell you the truth; you are in a place of safety. Don’t run from this safety. Accept it. Be vulnerable with this safety trusting God to love you through these people. When your community makes a mistake forgive them and keep on going. God places people in families and communities to ensure that we are healthy. You cannot do this on your own, but with each of these tools; you will be able to overcome your coping mechanisms and begin to depend and act more from your identity in Christ.

Often those used to fighting and defending themselves also fight their communities as well instead of embracing them. When your community sees your defense mechanism; they may point it out in love. If they do so, don’t fight them. Just submit what you’ve been shown to the Lord and ask him to give you the wisdom to overcome your defense mechanism. Ask him to show you in his Word where you can build yourself up in your insecurities until they fall away completely. Your community is there to sharpen you. The more you run away from them and fight them; the more you will remain the same. God will have to use life to humble you and teach you what you could have learned in godly community.

God sets the lonely in families, he leads out the prisoners with singing; but the rebellious live in a sun-scorched land. – Psalms 68:6

Finally, Don’t React from Fear, but Faith

Don’t assume the negative. Fear and personal insecurities often cause many to assume the negative about how they are perceived by people without even having proof for the negative. This is a trick of the enemy. Remember Satan is the father of lies. He will use your insecurities to lie to you and make you believe you don’t fit anywhere or you have to work to fit. Remember your foundation. You are already accepted. Always fight the lies of the enemy with the Word of God. When he tells you; you don’t fit. Say to yourself you are already accepted. God’s word warns us to keep God’s Armour on in Ephesians 6, so we can fight the darts and irritations of the enemy. Satan wants to steal our peace with fear, but God wants to cast fear out with his perfect love. Study God’s perfect love for you. Resist the lies of the enemy.

Faith should cause you to walk into a situation with confidence knowing you are accepted and loved. Faith should cause you to walk from a standpoint of knowing who you are instead of allowing the perceptions of others to cause you to doubt. Remember the scripture says whatever is not of faith is sin (missing the mark, Romans 14:23). We open ourselves to err when we aren’t operating out of faith.

There is no fear in love. But perfect love drives out fear because fear has to do with punishment. The one who fears is not made perfect in love. – 1 John 4:18

For God has not given us a spirit of fear, but of power and of love and of a sound mind. – 1 Tim 1:7

Satan wants you to push others away because he wants to isolate and destroy you, but Christ came that you might have life and that more abundantly. Live your full abundant life!

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