How a Woman’s Need for Security Can Turn into Control Creating Disunity in Marriage

How a Woman’s Need for Security Can Turn into Control Creating Disunity in Marriage

I recently watched the Barbie movie. I thought it was so well put together as it revealed a fear that many women have. This fear creates tension between men and women as men wrestle with their own sense of accomplishment and manhood.

Okay, we all know the Lord commands his blessing in unity. Satan seeks to divide men and women because instead of a blessing—chaos will be the natural result expressing itself as disunity. Sometimes as women, we allow ourselves to give place to the devil due to our fears. This is while not realizing that we are creating disunity and unnecessary tension in what we say we want. A healthy marriage.

How was this fear shown in the Barbie Movie?

This fear was made explicit in the Barbie movie when Ken struggled with his image as a man. He’d lived in a Barbie world—where women ruled. When attending the real world—he saw that men ruled and men were respected.

What Ken experienced in the real world spoke to a natural need that he had as a man. That need was to be seen with respect. To be admired and desired by his Barbie of choice. There is nothing wrong with this. It’s a natural God-built desire in men.

Just like there is nothing wrong with women desiring to feel secure. To feel secure—things need to be lined up in a certain way. We want to know our men are submitted to God. We want to have the rest and assurance of a home of our own to come to and raise children together with our husbands.

We want to know that if it takes us some time to recover from having a baby or perhaps we encounter post-partum depression—our stress can be alleviated and we aren’t forced into further places of stress like having to become the main breadwinner. There is nothing wrong with that.

The problem is when we seek to get our needs met by control and not trusting God. When we seek to control one another instead of yielding to one another’s needs in humility—we give place to the devil.

Ken, in the film, came back to Barbieland and turned it into Ken’s land. He taught the other Kens to rule over the Barbies in such a way that the women primarily served the men as if they had no other purpose.

The Barbies weren’t innocent as they never allowed any man to be in a position of government or authority. They were very clear in the fact they did not trust the men to rule. Even at the end—the Black Barbie said she’d allow some of the men to have jobs but not in the cabinets relating to governing. The movie ended on distrust of men although it had some positive attributes aside from this topic.

The point is women—we need to be aware of our fears. We need to be aware of what makes us feel unsafe or insecure in the environments our men create for us. We need to trust God and be patient as the man we’ve chosen works together with us to create an environment that would make us feel more secure. Likewise, we need to be considerate of what would make that man feel wanted, needed, and respected as well.

We reap what we sow. If we sow what the man needs—he will be willing to sow what we need. The vice versa is correct as well. When the man, who is the leader, sows what the woman needs—she will be more willing to sow what he needs.

How we Address Our Need for Security With Our Spouse is Important

I talked about this in a previous article about communication. Wisdom is needed in how a woman communicates with her man. Women should not wait until they are upset or in a heated argument to address concerns had with their man that would make them feel less safe.

Instead, a woman should choose a time when both her and her man are even-natured about how they feel about each other. Maybe after a good meal or some great time spent together doing something the couple both enjoy. At that time, sharing, “You know, x,y, and z would make me feel safe.”

She could even add something like this:

“I love the way you make me feel safe communicating with me through the day, buying me flowers, coming home from work on time. You know what would also make me feel safe is x,y, and z.”

This is communicated in a way that builds a man up instead of tears him down. It doesn’t accuse him or make him feel unuseful, controlled, or unneeded.

Instead, it speaks to his natural desire as a man to feel useful and needed. Depending on what it is, it may take some time. This is where we have to remain in a posture of trusting God, our husband’s ability to grow, and his ability to provide the security we need while remaining patient.

If you know you have a good man—make sure he knows you appreciate him. Make sure he knows you don’t want to take him for granted. Finally, make sure you don’t allow your fear of not feeling secure because of the process of it all that you seek to control him to bring about what would make you secure more quickly. In our minds, we may be trying to help but in his, it may be seen as belittling him. This will never make a woman feel secure.

It will instead create the division that Satan desires which results in the chaos we do not want. Remember God commands his blessing toward those who dwell in unity. Make sure as a woman of God—you are doing your part.

Showing that you trust that man to listen to you and address your concerns while praying for him and trusting God will help that man to do what needs to be done more quickly than control and belittlement. Trusting our man takes trust in God.

Marriage and relationships take work. Everything doesn’t work itself out overnight. Patience and endurance is a requirement. Allow the Lord to develop this within you as you work together to create unity. Control is an unfortunate way to sabotage your marriage, your personal growth and your spouse’s.