I just finished reading an awesome book from Cornelius Lindsey called, “Decoding The Silent Man’s Language: What Men Are Saying When They Are Not Saying Anything.” In it, Lindsey shares key elements as to how women can foster an environment that makes men feel comfortable opening up.
He offers advice for women when they have done everything they know to create that environment, and the man still does not open up. Finally, he shares stories that provide great insight to the vulnerabilities and insecurities of men that they often attempt to hide from women. I’ve taken 5 key things from the book to share with readers and encourage them to read the book for themselves.
Be Intentional about Focusing on the Positives that Your Man Does
Often when women are bothered by the behavior of our men, we focus on that poor behavior until it changes, and completely lose sight of the good things that made us interested in our man in the first place. Lindsey shares a story of a man who grew silent with his wife after hearing constantly about what he did wrong. He felt as though he had lost the glimmer of respect and appreciation from his wife. He felt as though he could only do wrong in her eyes, and he completely shut down.
In counseling, his wife was asked what she loved about her husband, and she went on and on about the things she loved about him. The husband began to cry. Why? Because he never heard her speak so well of him. Cornelius called this the 99% to 1% ratio. Where many married individuals focus on the 1% of their marriage they do not like and lose sight of the 99% that they do like. He warns that this behavior can lead to divorce and the loss of a good man.
Instead of Focusing on The Negative Use Words of Affirmation to Highlight the Positives
Cornelius shares how building a man up with words of affirmation would produce a desire in him to begin to deal with the things that the woman may see as a negative in their relationship. He shares that for many men their nourishment is encouragement and this encouragement will cause them to grow in areas where they are weak.
Cover Your Man With Respect
The book talks about how a gentleman was hurt that his wife divulged negative information about him to others. He felt that it was a reflection of her disrespect for him and he grew silent. Another woman in the book insulted her husband over the dinner table eating out with friends.
She chided him for not allowing her to order first as she is the woman asking why he would do such a thing. She essentially belittled him as a child. If she did not have enough respect for him to protect him in front of others in speaking well of him; it points to a greater problem that needs to be addressed. Please, don’t ever follow this woman’s example.
Some Men Avoid Confrontation
Cornelius shared how there are some men who grow silent due to avoiding confrontation. “Many men, we think in a linear sequence: problem-process-solution. We hear the problem and want to find the process that will bring about a solution. Many men become silent when they do not know the solution or when the process confuses them.” Whereas, women want to discuss the solution. His silence in short communicates frustration with the process.
A Man Can Use his Relationship With His Woman to Avoid Dealing With Deeper Issues
Cornelius, in the book, had gotten together with several men who were married, unmarried, and of various ages. One of the unmarried men had picked up a girlfriend on the rebound to fill his void of loneliness. He was now ready to break up with her as he did not sincerely want to be with her, but he felt she was emotionally unstable and could not handle it.
Others, in the room who were married warned the young man not to marry her as he did not really want to be with her. The other men in the group also felt miserable in their situations. While they bought women into their issues to make themselves feel better and realized that these women could not fix them; they were ready to drop the women or blame the women when in actuality the women were being used to distract from the deeper issues.
Cornelius pointed out two main issues that the brothers had:
Each brother had a broken relationship with God. “They had abandoned, God, their first love, to find satisfaction and fulfillment in other people and things.”
“Unfortunately, they were using a “love” relationship to fill a void so they would not have to deal with the issues of their heart.”
I would encourage you to read more of this interesting and eye-opening book. It is available at Amazon.
Leave a Reply