1.) Make God your First Love: For thou shalt worship noothergod: for the Lord, whose name is Jealous, is a jealous God: Exodus 34:14 Hopefully, we are all familiar with the fact that God is not crazy at all about us making idols out of anything but him. He alone should hold a special allegiance, submission, and worship in our lives because he is God. Now, in order to understand how a healthy relationship should look, we need to look at our relationship with God. After all, the biblical purpose of marriage is to be a sign or a reflection of our relationship with God. For example, The man is to love his wife like Christ loves the church and gave himself for it. (Ephesians 5) Marriage is a covenant relationship that should not be broken unless, but for a few things that I won’t mention here. Our relationship with God is a covenant relationship often reflected in scripture metaphorically as a marriage. If we can be faithful with our relationship with God in putting him first, and keeping his commandments, we are well on our way to learning about having a successful marriage relationship. If we get our relationship with God right first; then every other relationship that follows will be right as well. Our relationship with God is the most important relationship that we will ever have. If we neglect our relationship with God; then every other relationship we have will suffer for it. God is a jealous God and he will not allow us his people to have any other god before him even if that’s a man or a woman we desire to be in relationship with. God has often allowed things to happen to the children of Israel in the old testament when they began to follow idols. God’s people would always end up coming back to God and repenting for allowing things to take God’s place because that always landed his people in bondage.
2.) Knowing who you are first: You really need to know who you are first before you seek out a marriage relationship. So many people get into relationships expecting the other person to fix their problems, but if you are messed up then that other person is not going to be able to fix your problem, but rather it will cause a strain on the relationship and it will be over before it started. So many women who don’t love themselves get into a relationship with a man to have him love them as if that will fix the problem, but you cannot love anyone unless you first love yourself. I used to have very low-self esteem not knowing who I was. I didn’t feel pretty at all, and I felt like if when I got a little older if I could have sex with guys then that would fix my problem and boost my self-esteem. I’m so glad I got to know Jesus before then. I’m sure I would have regretted that after realizing that I was worth more. You get your worth from God. You find out who you are from walking with God. When Moses was in Egypt he had no idea who he was. Then he learned that he was a Hebrew and he started to meet up with God on that mountain and God birthed him into who he was called to be a great leader, yet he didn’t even no it. So #1 find your identity in Christ Jesus. Therefore, you will learn to love yourself and make better decisions for yourself because of it.
3.) Faithfulness: Going back to our relationship with God where we learn handfuls about marriage. God is committed to us as his bride. God has no intentions on divorcing us his people. When he sent his son to redeem us he meant serious business. I’m sure there are times when we weren’t faithful to God, when we made mistakes, and God felt like we did not love him, but he still remained faithful to us. If you read the book of Jeremiah God discusses all throughout those chapters how his bride, “Israel” at the time committed adultery against him in a sense through idolatry, yet he says that he is still married to Israel. When God took us on as his bride he took us on for the good times, and the bad times. Oftentimes, in a physical marriage people are only willing to stick around for the good times, and when a person no longer feels things are working that person is ready to leave. However, as a single person when you go through rough patches with God where you don’t feel his presence, or you don’t feel close to him; you don’t leave God, but hopefully you seek God more while you wait out the circumstance, and when you feel close to God again you are more stronger for it. It’s the same way in a marriage relationship. So many people say, “I don’t want to be married anymore because I don’t feel the love anymore”, but marriage is more than a feeling. It’s a life-long covenant or commitment.
4.) Time Management: As singles we are encouraged to be super busy to distract ourselves from wanting a mate and the ever so active sex-drive that knocks at our door, in which we aren’t allowed to answer just yet. A person can be busy all day long and avoid fantasying about sex; however, unfortunately when you go to bed you are busy doing nothing but laying in your bed until you go to sleep. This is where the devil often comes to tempt the single people of God and he is often successful because our lives are so imbalanced that we lack the strength to resist the enemy and we just give in. When you are balanced you find other ways to bring yourself relaxation and enjoyment besides just giving in to the temptations of the flesh. You purposely prioritize your time contributing to your good health physically, mentally, socially, and spiritually. Oftentimes, singles are so busy they are imbalanced. If you do not love yourself enough to take care of yourself and have some time for yourself then how will you love and take care of someone else or have time for someone else. Many Christian singles say they desire marriage at some point but live their lives as if they will be single for the rest of their lives. You have to be able to make time for your spouse or future spouse. You have to have time to communicate with your spouse or spouse to be and continue to learn him or her. If you are willing to put in the time, work, and communication then you are starting off on a solid foundation that will add to the strength of your marriage. Last but not least if you are having trouble managing your time, then pray to God for wisdom on what to commit to or what to let go of. Oftentimes, singles are so over committed to things God has not called them to do or things that it is no longer their season to do. If what you are giving your time to is no longer yielding fruit, that may be a sign that you are to come away from that thing. Pray to God for wisdom, peace, and confirmation. If you want a return out of your marriage you have to constantly invest into your marriage, and that takes time.
5.) Intimacy: Of course as Christian singles we should not be having sex right now. That is not what I am talking about as far as intimacy as it concerns the Christian single. Intimacy is not just sex, but it is a close fellowship with someone. As Christian singles we should be practicing having close fellowship with God as well as trust-worthy individuals that God has placed in our lives. At the center of intimacy is communication. A relationship without communication is headed for disaster. As Christian singles we should make a conscious effort of prioritizing intimate time with God. I believe that when there is a lack in close fellowship in a relationship that there is a void that opens the relationship up for temptation and confusion. For example, the Bible warns married couples of being imbalanced fasting excessively while neglecting the fellowship of sexual intimacy between the couple. The scripture says for the couple to come back together again lest they open themselves up for temptation from the enemy. (1 Corinthians 7:5) Similarly, when we fell to practice intimacy with God through prayer and meditating on his word; we open ourselves up to be tempted and to give in to temptation easier. On the other hand, when we continue to practice intimacy with God our relationship with God is strengthened, and we can more easily resist temptation. Jesus says in Luke 22 to his disciples to watch and pray lest they enter into temptation. Jesus continued on to pray himself. He was under pressure because he knew that it was time for him to die for man’s sins. The Bible says Jesus went off to pray and an angel came and strengthened him (Luke 22:41-43). Again when we pray we are practicing intimacy with God and he gives us strength. People who walk closely with God are normally not so quick to sin against God because they love him. The bible says they that love him will keep his commandments. Similarly, those that walk close with their spouse will not be so quick to go outside of the marriage because they love their spouse and are willing to consider what it will do to their spouse. If you are having trouble in this area, you need to pray specifically and honestly to God about it so he can help you and he will help you.
6.) Appreciation for one another: God warns the children of Israel over and over again in the old testament about not forgetting him when he brings them into the land that he promised. The land of milk and honey. (Deuteronomy 8:10-20) Why did God say that? The reason is because we human beings have a tendency to take things or people for granted when things are going well. God makes it clear what will happen when we begin to forget him. We will invite all types of confusion and chaos into the relationship that will bring the relationship down. Sometimes husbands and wives take one another for granted. It’s almost like I got you now so I don’t have to be on my best behavior. One thing mentioned in scripture that can keep the relationship strong in this area is to set aside intentional time to remember the good times and appreciating one another. God mentioned to his people the children of Israel to make a memorial to him so they would not forget him calling several feasts celebrations signifying various things that he had done for his people. (Exodus 13:5) For example, the feast of Passover is a memorial of Jesus Christ dying for man-kind. The married couple needs to set aside specific and intentional time to appreciate one another and remember the good things that caused them to come together in the first place. As single individuals, we should already be practicing this behavior with God as far as remembering the Lord, and setting aside specific time to remember him and the things that he has done in our individual lives.
7.) Unselfishness: Everyone knows that we live in a very selfish society where it’s all about me. A good strong and healthy relationship is a reciprocal relationship where both parties are involved with contributing equally to the relationship. I cannot stand being or attempting to be in a relationship where I am doing everything in the relationship. I have been there and done that. Then I figured out if I’m going to have to do everything than I may as well just be in a relationship with myself. Nobody has time for deadweight. If you want to be in a strong and healthy relationship then don’t just be willing to receive, but be willing to give as well.
8.) Mutual Respect: Mutual respect is a very big one. It’s always said and I do believe this to be true that men want respect and women want love, but I would like to go on a little further and say that women want to be respected too. Not only do men and women want to be respected, but every human being wants to be respected whether they are a child, or an adult male or female. Respect assigns a sense of worth to the individual by a another. Everyone wants to feel like they are worth something and their opinions are worth something. Therefore, if you want to have a healthy relationship than you can start practicing now while you’re single by respecting anyone and everyone that you meet. You may not agree with everything that person says, but if you can respect a person there is always room for growth in that type of relationship.
9.) Integrity: People always say that integrity is what you do when no one else is watching you. Well, if you are doing well while no one else is watching you while you are single; than you will do well when no one else is watching you while you are married. Now is the time to form those good and integral characteristics about yourself that will contribute toward a strong healthy relationship such as self-control, honesty, integrity and the like.
10.) Learning what real-love is: I thought about how a lot of people say that they marry for love, but in reality lot’s of people marry for the initial feeling or emotion of love, but they may not completely understand what real-love is. When you really love someone, you make a commitment for the long-hall. To love that person for a life-time. Thus, love becomes a consistent choice in addition to the emotion or feelings that love bring. It’s a good idea to refresh yourself every now and then on what the Bible says love is. (1 Corinthians 13:4-8) Know that if real love is what you want; it will take some endurance, some selflessness, some humility, some forgiveness, some kindness, and the like. If you pay close attention you will find that you probably already practice these attributes in your life now with certain people that you love such as family members and friends. You may not feel like going to meet your friend and help them with their car that just died out, but you make a sacrifice and do it because you love them. Some of us give our last dollar to strangers who ask for money for food because we love them. These little attributes that we practice now as single individuals will help us tremendously when we are married as well. Once we have been faithful over these few things as singles; we can become ruler over more in marriage. (Matthew 25:21)
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