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When Friendship Turns Into A Situationship – Part II (Boundaries)

​Let no man say when he is tempted, I am tempted of God: for God cannot be tempted with evil, neither tempteth he any man: But every man is tempted, when he is drawn away of his own lust, and enticed. James 1:13-14

We can become tempted by our own desires. We can become drawn away by our own desires. This is why it is so important to maintain boundaries when dealing with the opposite sex even in the form of friends—because friends can awaken desires within us and if we follow those desires we can be drawn away.

So, an old friend of mine that I used to meet up with sometimes and play chess with came back into my life. We started chatting here and there as friends after he called my job regarding some business. I kept up with him regarding that business, but of course, there is an attraction between the two of us. However, we had already somewhat flirted with the attraction in the past which resulted in us not talking for some years due to the consecration mismatch issue.

Anywho, we were simply catching up as friends with a game of chess recently. The brotha had a new hairstyle, and it made me really consider touching his hair, but knowing myself, it’s hard for me to just touch a guy’s hair without rubbing his head.

So, I used to rub guys hair/head as a norm until one day when I was 22 a co-worker asked me to stop. He said it turned him on. I had no idea at the time. I was just being friendly. Due to that experience, I had not rubbed a brotha’s head in years, and the desire to do so had gone away as I had decided to reserve that for my husband.

The chess game with a friend bought up those desires that I had not thought of for so long. After it was over, I shared with the brotha over the phone how I wanted to touch his head. He said I should have. He further went into how he would have just touched my head and etc. I knew I had made the right decision to maintain self-control and not cross the boundary of friendship.

However, I began to ask myself, “Why am I in this situation?” I began to think, “I don’t have to be tempted with this situation.” There would have been nowhere for the friendship to escalate to except fornication. Here I am whole and free. I was not trying to end up in bondage. All cycles start with decisions. I was making a decision to be free.

​It is for freedom that Christ has set us free. Stand firm, then, and do not let yourselves be burdened again by a yoke of slavery. – Galatians 5:1

I had to set some boundaries. Any type of a relationship without boundaries could lead anywhere. I need to have a clear marker of definition for what every relationship is rather friendship or an actual relationship. There should be no lack of clarity in this area. Lack of clarity for where a relationship is going can derail destiny. It’s like trying to reach a destination without an address. It is confusion. I had to call the brotha and ask him to lay off the hello beautiful text messages. Had I allowed our undefined relationship to go on, I would have begun to feed a natural desire that I have in me as a woman to be affirmed and cherished by a man, but the man is not my husband neither can he be. I had to recognize the situation for what it was a setup for a situationship. 

The Bible says not to awaken love before it’s time. That means there is an appointed time for me to experience those intimate things that I desire with my husband. The friendship with the attractive guy who was starting to send me good morning beautiful text messages highlighted a desire in my life that is not yet fulfilled. It placed me in a position to focus on the desire being fulfilled rather than focusing on the Lord and what he wants. It would have very easily have drawn me away had I allowed it to continue.

This may seem like a small thing, but the scripture also says it’s the small foxes that spoil the vine. In essence, I had to make a choice to continue to guard my consecration to the Lord and my focus. I contacted one of my accountability sisters to let her know what was going on and what I was going to do about it. She agreed to follow up with me and make sure that I dealt with it

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