Don’t be concerned about the outward beauty of fancy hairstyles, expensive jewelry, or beautiful clothes. You should clothe yourselves instead with the beauty that comes from within, the unfading beauty of a gentle and quiet spirit, which is so precious to God. – 1 Peter 3:3-4 (NLT)

In other words…

​A quiet spirit is a disposition of peace, rest, and confidence in our husband’s ability to lead us. Just like the peace and rest in our ability for Christ to lead us through his Spirit along with his word.

To not trust our husband is to insult his ability and character. Just like to not trust God, and rest in what he says insults the very nature of who God is. This is a huge insult to a man.

With this understanding, I am more thankful for the many trials and tribulations that the Lord has allowed me to go through to increase my trust in him. Truly, enduring through the trials of life is also a huge part of preparation for marriage for the single woman of God. Walking through the trials of life with God teach her how to trust him on another level.
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This is the type of a woman that when her husband loses his job; she will tell him it will be okay, and she still trusts in him. This is the type of a woman that a real man of God needs by his side.
This is how the holy women of old made themselves beautiful. They put their trust in God and accepted the authority of their husbands. For instance, Sarah obeyed her husband, Abraham, and called him her master. You are her daughters when you do what is right without fear of what your husbands might do. – 1 Peter 3:5-6
It is interesting that the above scripture used Sarah and Abraham as examples because of the next part of this blog series. It is important for us as women to respect, and submit to our husbands in peace or a quiet spirit because they are imperfect.

They will be leading and making mistakes at times because they are imperfect, and those are the main times when we will need to respect them because those will be their most vulnerable times, and it will take trust in God in order to do this. If you read the above scripture over again, you will see this specifically. Don’t miss it. It says, “They put their trust in God and accepted the authority of their husbands.” We can remain at peace following our husband’s leadership only when we trust in Christ.
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Our next blog, will show an example of Sarah practicing trusting her husband Abraham when he is wrong, and how it turned out in both Sarah and Abraham’s favor due to the intervention of God. When the order of God is correct, it leaves room for God to intervene. Only wise women practice the things taught in this series.

In a time when encouragement for single women who have been taking a stand for Christ is scarce, It was so refreshing for me to hear the below sermon from Pastor Tony Evans. The name of the teaching series this sermon is found in is called Marriage Matters Part I. It’s a 7 part CD series. I’ve only posted one part, and that is the sermon called, “A Lesson on Romance.”

The lesson looks at the Song of Solomon and it affirms women who have been taking a stand for Christ. It reminds us that it is okay to expect God’s best. There is something that brings freedom and removes the tension, confusion, and shame often associated with being single for a long period of time, when a man of God not only echoes our deep-seated desires for a godly mate, but says with great strength, surety, and authority that yes this is what we should expect and stand on as women of God.

Some key points made were the man God is sending will affirm the woman’s value in how she sees herself, women should not descend in character or identity to accommodate getting a man, women should cause a man instead to ascend to her God-given standard—This is done by her maintaining her standard, no matter how hard it gets for a woman of character she should still continue to maintain her character through the hard times, and a woman who is of noble character still needs protecting.

The woman Should Not Descend in Character
A common question that a woman who has been set apart by God has is whether she has to lower herself or not to get a man. In some cases, women are looked at as being Jezebaals for taking a stand on the standard that God has given her. She is looked at as too rigid, pompous, or imbalanced when within herself she just wants to be loved in the correct way. She is gracious about her stance, but firm and sure.

Pastor Evans says that a woman should not descend in character to get a man. He sets this woman at ease as he explains that a woman should require a man to respect her and to ascend to the standard God has given her to hold on to.

Continue to Maintain Character During Hard Times
Pastor Evans uses the story of the woman from the Song of Solomon, who had been through some hard things, and yet she has resolved to maintain her integrity throughout the midst of it. Likewise, Pastor Evans encourages single women to continue to maintain their integrity in spite of the hard times. All of us who have been standing as singles know just how hard the times can get, but God has taken this into account when he gave us his word, and his word will help us to stand in the hard times. Continue to be resilient and resolved to stand during hard times.

The Right Man Will Affirm who We Are in Christ
Again, single women are comforted to know that it is okay not to just choose the current man available, yet unqualified. We should be looking for specific qualities such as a man affirming who we are in Christ. If how he is treating us or what he is calling us isn’t lining up with what God is calling us, and how Christ treats us, he isn’t the one. Move on.

A Woman who Stands for Christ Still Needs Protecting
There is a scripture that Pastor Evans brings out that talks about how to deal with a woman who is a door and one who is a wall:
“If she is a wall, we will build towers of silver on her. If she is a door, we will enclose her with panels of cedar. Song of Solomon 8:9”
The way that Pastor Evans explained it is the woman who is the wall (Not easy, not giving it up) is to be celebrated and built up so that she will continue in doing so. He explained the scripture in such a way where it does not take for granted that because the woman has stood for a long time that she is cool, and will automatically continue to stand. Her brothers, who understand the value of what she is doing stand with her because they value her as their sister.

The other side of the scripture is explained in such a way as to protect the girl who does not understand her worth nor the value of holding out until marriage. She is the door letting any visitor come on in. She obviously needs to be protected, hidden, and on lock down until she can get it together.
I thought it was awesome that the scripture explained to protect both girls and to remind both girls of their worth, and not just the girl who was a door. The sermon made me feel like as a woman that it is okay for me to desire to be protected, covered, and loved the way that God said I should be–like Christ loves the church. If standing through all of the pain and disappointment ensued is the way to get there; then I will continue to stand empowered that I do not have to stand alone. God is backing us along with his word and other godly men and women like Pastor Tony Evans.

To order the full series from Pastor Tony Evans, Click the following link: Click here!
Listen to the complete sermon below, and also order the full teaching series at his website:

Continuing from last week’s two keys to bounce back from brokenness. Below are three more important keys that we will need to have.

Have a Close Unit of Godly Friends:

Two are better than one, because they have a good return for their labor: If either of them falls down,one can help the other up. But pity anyone who falls and has no one to help them up. Also, if two lie down together, they will keep warm. But how can one keep warm alone? Though one may be overpowered, two can defend themselves. A cord of three strands is not quickly broken. Ecclesiastes 4:9-12 (KJV)

The above scripture is often applied to married people, but it is just as applicable to single individuals as well. God often puts together godly ties with other believers to protect his children. Contrary to what some may believe as a single man or woman, you do not have to walk alone. Learn to be thankful for those relationships that God has put in your life such as friends, cousins, brothers, sisters, fathers, and mothers. Utilize these relationships to help you to stand with support knowing that you aren’t in this alone. You are stronger together. These relationships often bring about healing that we don’t even realize.

Guard Yourself from Toxic People:
Tamar, in the story discussed in part one did well to isolate herself from Amnon. Now knowing his character, he isn’t one to hang around. It can only be wise to guard ourselves from being too close from those who do not value us. The danger in allowing ourselves to be close to those who do not value us is that it will eventually cause us not to value ourselves, and that can get us stuck. It isn’t God’s will for us to be stuck, but for us to always be moving forward in the identity and purpose that God has pre-ordained for us. Thus, we gotta cut some people sometimes and that is okay.

Do something Cool, Nice, New, or Fun for Yourself:
What do you like to do for fun? What do you like to do to remind yourself that you are worth it? Worth what? Worth love, affection, and experiencing the best that life has to offer. Some things that I do for myself include  taking myself out to eat almost every week while I read a book as I am waiting on my food. If I am in a new neighborhood for something, I may explore the neighborhood looking at unfamiliar restaurants, and stores. Recently, I had to go to a new neighborhood for a television interview, and I explored a restaurant that had some amazing Jambalaya.

Prepping for my video blogs allows me to try different makeup looks which I love to do. It is so much fun being a woman. We can try different hairstyles, fashion, and makeup looks all the time. It is so exciting. I even recently perfected applying false lashes lol. It took me some time to get this child!

Scripture admonishes women to adorn ourselves. There is a reason why it is important for us to adorn ourselves. We need to see ourselves as the beautiful women that God has made us to be. We are just to do this in a manner that doesn’t bring inappropriate attention. Many focus on the part of scripture that says to dress modestly, but not on the command to adorn ourselves which means to dress up, celebrate, or decorate ourselves.

This is so important. Another thing that I love to do for myself is to get dressed up and go to a concert of one of my favorite artists and take pics of course. It’s all appropriate self-love and self-care. We will need to carry this habit into our marriages when the Lord does bless us one day, so that we do not lose who we are in the responsibilities of marriage, children, and family life. These things should be a blessing to us and not a burden.
When marriage and family become a burden; It may be time for appropriate self-care.

We cannot wait for someone else to come into our lives and remind us that we are worth it. We have to be willing to do this for ourselves. We have to capture every negative thought as 2 Corinthians 10:5 says and get on with living.
There is complete healing and restoration that can take place after brokenness if we follow these guidelines and choose not to give up. Things will get better, and after a while the hurt that we once felt from the brokenness will seem oh so far away. Let’s enjoy this journey of life, and enjoy being made whole in Christ

Recently, I did an interview regarding accepting God’s no which feels like brokenness and confusion while we are experiencing it. Sometimes it is hard to get back to life as we’ve known it before the brokenness because we’ve learned to function from a different position. A position of lowliness, and often the wrong perspective because of our circumstance. I think about Job and all of the various emotions, questioning, and conversations he had during his ordeal.

If we maintain the wrong perspective, we could begin to function from a place lower than who we are, and certainly lower than what God intended. So, what do we do to restore that wholeness, that pep in our step, that ease of living in a way? 

​Below are some things that can help us bounce back from brokenness.

Intimacy with Jesus Check:
First things first. We want to make sure our intentionality in seeking the Lord is on ten. There can be a resistance in drawing near to the Lord after a hard time of brokenness because we sometimes feel that God could have prevented us from going through it, but he did not. We may question if he is really good. Despite, the questioning, we still need to pursue him, and as we do, he will change our perspective to showing us the reason he has allowed us to go through to make us stronger and strengthen our faith. This intimacy with God will condition us to be able to withstand all else that life has to offer.

For example, the woman who washed Jesus’ feet with her tears and dried them with her hair performed a very intimate act of worship in front of naysayers in a man named Simon’s house. She had become a spectacle to her community. Everyone knew her faults and what she had been through, but she was able to endure the negative energy from others almost blocking it out completely because of her intimacy with God.

Intimacy with God produces endurance. God uses the trials of life to temper us to be able to handle the many challenges that will come with living for his glory. Remember if God’s glory is to be revealed in us we have to be able to endure suffering for Christ. Intimacy with God has a way of healing us right in the midst of the suffering, and causing us to be able to endure until the end.

Make Sure You Have Forgiven others:
This forgiveness enables you to get on living your life. There was a woman in the Bible named Tamar, who had a terrible thing happen to her that was not her fault at all, but because of what happened to her she made the choice to live in her brother’s house for the rest of her life as a desolate woman. Meaning she isolated herself from the possibility of having something more, something different all because of what happened to her.

She had been raped by her half brother Amnon. Her brother Absalom protected her afterward allowing her to live with him. He avenged her rape with the murder of his half brother Amon. However, I don’t want to focus on Absalom, but Tamar. She had a choice to get on living her life. It was her who made the choice to live in isolation from the possibilities of experiencing anything better than what had already befallen her.

Negative experiences in our lives can sometimes cause us to see life through a negative lense where we avoid the possibilities of something better, something positive, and something new. It may even blind us to the good things around us that are happening. In a sense, Absalom, protecting his sister and allowing her to live with him was a positive thing that should have affirmed her worth, and ability to be loved, but she did not see it that way. She saw her life as a sentence of isolation.

Yes, there was a stigma for girls back then who were no longer virgins, but she was not a woman of the night. She was a daughter of the king. It is almost as if she had forgotten who she was and decided to live as though she did not know her worth.

As a daughter of the king, do you know how many men would have been happy to marry into her royal family? How many men good men, who could have loved Tamar were avoided through her choice to isolate herself?

The Bible says that she was beautiful. She was so beautiful, that unfortunately, her brother chose not to control himself. He looked at her so highly when he was in his lust, and despised her so adamantly after satisfying his lust.

Tamar, the beautiful virgin who at one point wore the veil of many colors signifying her virginity, and availability to be wifed as a virgin gave up that dream after her self-worth was taken from her through rape. However, her value did not change.

She was still the king’s daughter, and the king could have covered her in the event that a man would have taken her as his bride (See Deuteronomy 22:17). The point is Tamar, even after experiencing her hardship, had a choice to live, and she chose not to due to unforgiveness and the wrong perspectives that not dealing with the hurt, and pain caused produced in her life.

We have a choice. A choice to forgive, to deal with the pain ensued, get God’s perspective, and move on with our lives choosing to live in spite of what we’ve loss. When God decides to bring retribution, he always pays us back more than what we’ve lost. We have to trust God with our wounds and forgive.

Don’t allow anyone to cause you to lessen the way that you see yourself bringing you down to an image that you are not:
It is God’s will that we will have a healthy self esteem about ourselves. We are made in God’s image and likeness (Genesis 1:27) . Therefore we learn from God how to view ourselves.

Herein is our love made perfect, that we may have boldness in the day of judgment: because as he is, so are we in this world (We take our cues for our self-esteem and image from the Lord). 1 John 4:17
God does not reward nor allow a lowered image of himself. All throughout scripture. God warns his people not to worship other gods or to bring him down to an image that is not who he is. In Isaiah, the Lord reminds his people who he is. “I am the Lord your God, the first and last, and besides me there is no god. (Isaiah 44:6)” God is bold in proclaiming who he is, and he settles for nothing less than being respected, feared, and reverenced for who he is.

How much more should we take on a similar attitude not allowing how we see ourselves to be bought down or lessened in any way from who we are in Christ. In this world as believers, we are often provided with opportunities to step down into a lower image than who we are. For example: I am a housing counselor at my job which requires me to be in private areas such as offices, or conferences rooms with clients collecting, disseminating, and discussing private information regarding housing matters, budgets of clients, and such.

In some cases where my client has been a male; there have been inappropriate invitations for me to reduce myself to something lower then who I am. In those cases, I’ve had to be very clear in maintaining how I am to be perceived by the client as a professional contact only and nothing more.

In rare cases, when a client is overtly inappropriate, the client can be re-assigned to other counselors, or provided with  a dismissal letter to no longer work with the client. Why? Because a standard of who I am as a housing counselor toward the client must be upheld in order for us to peacefully work together. If appropriate boundary lines are crossed; there must be an adjustment in how we deal with those people.

It is the same way in our personal lives. When we come across someone who absolutely refuses to respect us for who we are, and who seeks to bring us down to an image other than who we are, we need to first have a conversation with them if possible. When a conversation does not work, and their behavior toward us is still inappropriate, we have no choice, but to cut them loose.

The individual then misses out on who we really are. In the above example the client has to then go somewhere else to get the service he really needs. In the same manner, those who treat us inappropriately taking us for granted and looking at us in a manner lower than who we are miss out on what we could have provided to them had they respected us. We should do ourselves a favor, and allow them to miss out on us. They should have made another choice to respect us and to honor us for who we really were. Sidenote: This is not an excuse for unforgiveness. We should always forgive, but that does not mean that we have to still entertain someone.

The above is an obvious example. There are some less obvious examples that single women tend to put up with for not knowing who they are or having unresolved issues. I believe God cares about our unresolved issues and questions of our own worth and he addresses them with his word.

Not so obvious examples:

When a man seeks to pursue, but doesn’t give any time to the woman he is pursuing
This is a lowered image. He is communicating to the woman that she isn’t that important to him. Definitely not important enough for him to re structure his schedule and make time for what he says he values. That woman is his convenient relationship and not his priority. This is a lesser image. The man misses out on all that she has to offer due to treating her in that way.

The man who isn’t that busy and just plays games with a woman’s heart leading her on but offering no commitment nor communicating clearly his intentions: The enemy will use this to make us feel like we aren’t worth it especially if the man doing this is a true believer. It’s easy to question our worth at this point. It doesn’t matter if they are a believer or not, we don’t have to put up with it. If after we have talked and sought to resolve it, the person is consistent with their devalued treatment of us, it is okay not to reward them with our presence. This keeps us in a clear frame of mind of who we are, and what we are worth.

Our image of ourselves should always line up with who God says we are, not how people treat us or the image that they invite us into to lower ourselves. When men sought to lower God down to an image of wood, or things made with hands; God did not respond to those things nor reward those people with his presence. Instead God judged those acts so that it would be clear that that particular behavior toward God is completely unacceptable. God doesn’t answer to a lowered image of himself, and neither should we God’s precious children made in his image.

It is in no way easy to be a single woman of God in waiting. The pain that we face from disappointing hopefuls or no hopefuls at all; breeds a rejection that is indescribable. Often the above described leads us to want to place the blame on someone. What if more men were in position to take on a bride, and to be more responsible and lead as they should? If this were the case, we as single women would be fine. We would not be tempted at times to hate and dishonor the man.

I’ve been through all of the above and now that I’ve met a mature man of God who actually expresses his love toward me, I am forced to look at my response as a woman to ensure that I keep that man in a position of honor in my life. I thought to myself about how as a single I met a lot of guys who seemed mature and honorable, but when they showed me different I was tempted to dishonor them.

For in the same way you judge others, you will be judged, and with the measure you use, it will be measured to you. Matthew 7:2 (NIV)

Finally, respect and putting up with foolishness are two different things. As a single, I’ve had zero tolerance for foolishness, and that has saved me from a lot of mess. It may have led me to be single longer, and thus deal with feelings of being alone longer, but at least I’ve had peace of mind.

Allow the Lord to examine your own heart and to expose all bitterness, disrespect, resentment, and un-forgiveness so that you will be prepared  to be a woman who honors men even in the face of dishonor, and God will harvest honor back to you.

Don’t be misled–you cannot mock the justice of God. You will always harvest what you plant. Galatians 6:7

See blog post “What to do about the man Crisis” on my Holy Neck Swirl Website (Website for book: “The Single Christian Woman’s Guide.”)  See at link: http://www.holyneckswirl.com/?p=349

I know I am a bit late, but I finally got around to viewing the Lemonade video. Besides the cursing, and inclusion of same sex couples at the end, I felt that it described very well the journey of many women. One thing about Beyonce’, she has always associated her music with the woman’s struggle and journey for love and acceptance from men.

She cleverly and artistically went through the various seasons that many women find themselves going through within their lives when we face disappointment from men.
Disappointment and the Inability to Control the Actions of Men No Matter How Good We Try to Be:
The beginning showed the disappointment of betrayal from a man cheating. She had started out in the video as a good girl, who was trying to be a good wife that pleased her husband; despite this the man still cheated on her.
She fasted, prayed, wore white, and yet still got the short end of the stick. Like many women who face disappointment while waiting on God, trying to live holy, and yet expectations for an appropriate man have not been met. Things sometimes get so hard, that we begin to question if it will really make a difference to live for the Lord or not because either way we experience terrible pain.
We want to control the situation as women. We want to bring it to something that we feel we can handle. Beyonce’ mentioned that she was not too perfect for her worth to be brought so low. The truth is no matter what we do; some things will be outside of our control.

Natural Reactions to Disappointment:
Anger was the only next natural expression after so much disappointment. She yelled, and cursed as she complained to her crew. She dropped the brother, and hung with her girls putting on a shell of hardness like women do even to the point of acting like a man in ways. Sounds familiar.
Also, like many women she drowned her disappointment in work. There is a song in the video that talks about a woman hustling Friday through Sunday, and crying Monday-Friday. While she was out hustling, drowning herself in her career her house was burning down. This segment was called emptiness. No matter how fulfilled she appeared chasing her dreams and career, she still was empty on the home front.

Forgiveness is the only resolution to be free from Disappointment and Jesus Christ will help us with that:
She had to come to the point of forgiveness. During this revelation, she showed other women who had faced hard things such as the mother of Trayvon Martin, and Michael Brown; who had also faced heavy betrayal’s by the law and the government that even after those hard trials they still had to find within themselves to forgive so that they would not become slaves to their experiences, but that they would be free enough to use those experiences to make lemonade to serve to someone else.
There was so much in the video. Even the point where an excerpt from one of Malcom X’s sermon’s was used to show how Black women lack protection in many ways. Despite the many hard things endured, an emphasis was placed on Jesus Christ to find strength to forgive. She showed herself dying to old ways of thinking and old perceptions, perhaps that of trying to be so hard in a sense to protect her self from men like the one who hurt her.

She became in a sense born again, and her love for her husband was resurrected. Reconciliation had taken place. In the end, her and her love seemed to be happier. She ends the video with a song that talks about rebuilding trust before intimacy is encountered. You know I am feeling that ideal. As a single woman who has experienced disappointment, I am not quick in the lest to allow a guy to be too affectionate with me right away. His love and ability to display trustworthiness knocks down that wall of hardness and guarded-ness that has been built up as a single woman just like in the video.
A beautiful depiction of the woman’s journey. Job well done!
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