We all have had those times when we have struggled with our appearance as women especially single women. Sometimes, we can feel like the baddest chick, and at other times we can feel like nothing we do to improve or highlight our beauty is enough.
The latter seems to always be apparent when there is that guy that seems just like the perfect guy, but for whatever reason he slips away, and we begin to blame or question ourselves thinking maybe I should have been prettier like this girl or that girl, and all along God is saying, but I made you perfect. Perfect in the fact that we are lacking nothing as women with our very own unique beauty to be as beautiful, and bold as God envisioned for us to be.

The last time I had those feelings the Lord begin to deal with me about a few things. He spoke into my spirit saying, “Your Beauty is in your Uniqueness.” In other words, there is no one else quite like me. Even though there are look-a-likes in the world, there is no one who could possess everything so to the “T” that when you see them it’s just like seeing me.

From our birth marks to our skin tones, facial features, hair texture, beautiful eyes that incite intrigue, voice, and yes those curves. All of these things are the workings of the Lord our artist, and the best part of it all is no matter how any of these features change in us, He still loves us unconditionally.

Another thing that God used to encourage me was his word that says:

We are the handiwork of God… Ephesians 2:10

Who would dare call the work of the Lord shoddy or not good enough? That is what we do when we put ourselves down because our beauty may not be up to par with that of others. God made us unique, and that is beautiful.

The last thing that God used to encourage me was a word from the Lord. Thankfully, I have been blessed to work with lots of saved co-workers. One morning before getting ready for work, I had done my hair and lip gloss, plus mascara like I normally do, and I was looking kind of cute. I thought to myself, I am cute today just not cute enough to get a godly mature man of God.

Sidenote: There is so much stacked against women that sometimes we can droop into the negative if we are not careful. They say: There are more women than me, Black women are disproportionately single and will not marry, and then there is the fear of not being beautiful enough to attract an appropriate gentlemen because men basically have their choice. I talked with a very mature married man of God about this and he shared with me that it isn’t so much the physical beauty that a man of God is looking for, but the woman’s ability to remain hidden in Christ as a single woman. He shared that men of God want that deeper connection than just beauty and that can only be had with a certain type of woman. So ladies, Know your worth. We are definitely more than just that physical thing.

Back to the word from the Lord: So, I got to work and without me even mentioning to my co-worker how I felt, she shared with me that I had struggled with my image from time to time, and that despite that struggle God wants me to know that I am beautiful. She shared how when God puts a man and a woman together the woman doesn’t have to take on persona to be this type of girl or that type of girl that maybe she feels would be more acceptable or beautiful to the man. She shared that the man that God had for me would love my style and the way that I carry myself, and that it is just beautiful how God puts that together. She shared that it really doesn’t matter what everyone else thinks at that point
only the couple and the two will be so happy and satisfied with one another.

Did you know that the Lord is concerned about your self-esteem? He is concerned about every aspect of us that leads to wholeness. That includes mind, body, and spirit. God doesn’t want us just thinking anything about ourselves. He wants our thinking about ourselves to come on up to his standard. That is why God corrected the way that I was thinking with a word of wisdom. If God doesn’t check our wrong thinking, then we will continue to believe wrong about ourselves, and begin to settle for less, but less isn’t what God has for us. He has his best, and in order to receive God’s best, we have to be whole.

Do not conform to the pattern of this world, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind…Romans 12:2

For as he thinks in his heart, so is he… Proverbs 23:7

As single women, we have to deal with a whole lot. Therefore, there are certain character traits that we learn to hone either consciously or unconsciously as a coping mechanism for the way that things are out here. Three of those coping mechanisms are summed up in: Pride, Negative speaking, and Isolation.
Many women naturally desire a covering. For many of us, we have not had the covering that we have desired. There are the women who have never known a covering in the form of a father, women who may know their father, but the father isn’t in a place to cover the woman spiritually or even to make her feel loved. Others have experienced abuse or witnessed consistent abuse between their natural father and mother’s relationship.

Looking to other tangible examples of men, to fill that void often results in disappointment causing a woman to build up a wall of pride to become her own covering. Even though she may have a relationship with the Lord and view the Lord as her covering, she still desires something tangible and that tangible thing becomes her pride.

Pride:

Her pride throws off an invisible magnetic field to those around that they are not getting into her inner circle. This woman is afraid of being disappointed again, and again, and again as has been the consistent pattern in her life perhaps from childhood well into adulthood. Her pride protects her and although it in some senses isolates her, she feels safe there. The whole independent woman thing is a situation of safety for her. It is some sense of stability and rest that she has not been able to find in dealing with the men in her life.

The reality is that at some point in time vulnerability is going to be necessary in order to let the appropriate person in. That appropriate person is not just going to be anybody, but someone whom the Lord our true covering has checked out and hand-picked as worthy to be trusted with his daughter who is loved by the Lord greatly. Although, she isn’t perfect and has her issues, her worth is not diminished in the Lord’s sight. As a matter of fact, God is in particularly sensitive to her needs, and will deal with her pride on his time gently removing every fear, healing every disappointment, and assuring her when it is safe to proceed with being vulnerable.

If this is you, you will have to entrust yourself to God submitting to his will. As the Spirit of God leads, you will have to be willing to follow him.

Negative Speaking:

For the woman who has built up a wall of pride, because of her negative experiences, or the lack of positive ones, negative speaking can become a norm for. She may say negative things without even noticing it. She may make blanket statements, for example: “you men”, “All men”, “Black men”, “Young men”. Her therapy in some cases may be to discuss negative men with her girlfriends as they wallow in a hopeless rant that breeds more hopelessness. Her faith for better becomes bleaker and she becomes more isolated from the ideal of an appropriate man because negative is all she sees and all that she speaks.

Because many of us spend years of being single and dealing with these cycles of emotion, these traits that we have picked up can become a part of our character where we continue to practice them unknowingly even after God begins to put his finger on it to began the deliverance process.

Negative speaking as a woman or even as a man is not something that we want to take into the marriage that God gives us. It will only cause wars, strife, and tension between a couple. It results in a man and woman warring against each other instead of building while walking with each other. Satan has been very successful in getting women to think negatively about men and to speak that out of our mouths instead of using our mouths to pray for the men out there who are really trying to live right and struggling. Sometimes, as women, I think we give too much negative attention to negative men, and thus we speak negative. If we focused more on the positive ones, then maybe the negative men will get jealous and get it strait. Nevertheless, what happens with negative men, God will judge them, and we as women need to guard our peace so that we can be in a position to build with our tongues. In practicing this as singles, we will be able to more easily practice this in our marriages.

Lastly, for the negative speakers, I don’t want you to get me wrong in communicating that there isn’t a problem with our men. I know there is a problem out there with lots of our men, and there is nothing worse than someone trying to calm someone down who is angry as if they do not have a right to be angry. I know the anger is legitimate, but what are you going to do about it besides being angry? It would make more sense to focus on your strength which are the godly men instead of the ungodly ones building them up and speaking life over them.

Isolation:

Isolation is a natural response toward people who are angry and prideful. Who wants to be around someone who is just angry and prideful? No one. That means that once God begins to put his finger on this, we have to be willing to let God work on us.

Now, it is extremely legitimate and appropriate for a woman to have to dismiss herself from most men who attempt to talk to her when a lot of these men aren’t in a position to cover a wife nor take on the responsibility of a wife. Nobody needs an additional problem while they are waiting on the Lord for someone appropriate. So yes, many of us single women have to not even consider most men who come to us.

We find ourselves running when we see the red-flags which is wisdom. But again, an appropriate habit for a single woman in waiting, may not be appropriate for a woman who is sure of an appropriate man of God in her world as a suitor or even her husband.

Because of this need to run from ungodly men, many of us women have built up feelings of strong rejection. We withdraw from even appropriate men when things don’t seem to go our way dismissing any hope that things could grow into something beautiful due to the fear of rejection.

We have interpreted God’s protection from the ungodly men as rejection and not being good enough for a relationship. It becomes easier for us to revert back into those feelings of not being good enough, and things will not work out, and it’s easier to just do the me, myself, and I thing rather than to toughen up and work through a relationship whether friendship or leading to romantic with a guy.

Recently, I had an experience like this where I wanted to just withdraw from someone that I was attempting to befriend because I did not like his lack of communication. I remember starting to resort back to thinking negative thoughts and feeling as though isolating myself would be the answer, but the Lord quickened me to pray.

I began to pray. During prayer, I prayed for the young man that I wanted to withdraw from I prayed regarding any fears, concerns, or anxieties that he has that prevent him from communicating in the way that he wants. I prayed against my own selfishness for not even considering how he felt or why he may have not responded. I prayed for men of God in general who are trying to live right. I prayed for those men who have to fight the stigmas of what the world considers to be a man. I prayed against all shame and embarrassment for doing things God’s way. I prayed for stability, consistency, and open communication in their personal relationships with the Lord. It is ironic, that after I prayed, I felt a release in my spirit, and finally the gentlemen contacted me communicating the total opposite of what I was thinking.

The truth is as single women, when we learn to trust God, and his ability to put us together in healthy relationships with men whether it is restoring an ungodly father, brother, friend, or potential spouse, a weight will be lifted and we can more easily follow God’s instruction resulting in humility, positive speaking, and godly fellowship with men.

The last thing that I learned from my ordeal with the friend mentioned above is that humility gives God the opportunity to provide his grace in the situation. God’s grace is his special supernatural ability to do something or go through something victoriously. Satan’s plan that has been enacted seemingly on every generation has been to get the man and the woman at odds with each other in pride, negativity, and isolation resulting in brokenness.

When two people in a situation are full of pride toward one another, there is no room for God to move. Someone has to humble themselves in order to allow God’s grace in the situation. This is also an important lesson to be taken into our marriages. Humility and prayer over pride and negative reactions.

God resists the proud, but gives grace to the humble (James 4:6).

I’m sure lots of girlfriend relationships have been severed over this especially if the guy has shown interest in both of the girls. This could be a test to test the relationship and the love of God that should be operating inside of us. This situation tests what we say we believe, whether our trust is in God. Also, whether our self-love and love for our neighbor is intact.

The best thing to do in this situation now that you have a foundation of self-love, contentment, value and worth, and loving and valuing others is to make your resolve or decision to humble yourself in the situation preferring to honor your sister above yourself, not to compete with her, but to continue to love her, and that is what real sisters do. Even in the face of testing, and trying temptation they will love at all times (Proverbs 17:17).

She will love for real enduring all things with you, not being self-seeking. If she has to give up the idea of being with a brother to preserve the love for her sister or add to the well being of her sister she will do so because she is a woman characterized by love. That is what real sisters do.

They love one another and cover one another even when it is hard. In the time, during testing is when we will either make a choice to walk in our flesh following the wisdom of the world that says girl you better compete, it ain’t hardly no good dudes out here, get yours while you can, or you will walk in the Spirit trusting in God saying I have never seen the righteous forsaken nor his seed begging for bread (what is needed, proper nourishment.) We have to trust in the Lord to take care of our needs. It is a choice to love our sisters and to remain in proper fellowship with them.

There are many devices in a man’s heart; nevertheless the counsel of the Lord, that shall stand. Proverbs 19:21

What wisdom will you follow? What choice will you make?

Watch the supplemental video below regarding liking the same guy:

As godly women who value God-given covenant relationship, we have to be willing to do the hard work in order to maintain those relationships when God exposes what’s in our hearts. We briefly touched on Cain in the Bible who killed his brother Able because of jealousy in the last blog post. Cain’ s problem was that he was not willing to do the work to get pass what God was exposing in his heart.

God used Cain’ s brother Able as sort of a mirror to expose what was in Cain’ s heart, and God does the same thing with us using covenant relationships to sharpen us making us better for his own glory. This was a good thing. A good relationship that would sharpen Cain and make him better, but he was not willing to do the work.

Cain wanted it easy. He just wanted the hard and uncomfortable situation to be over therefore he took things into his own hands continuing in the flesh making matters worse. Cain simply chose pride rather than humility. The Bible says with pride comes shame, but with the lowly there is wisdom (Proverbs 11:2).

In other words, pride says you have exposed me and shown that I am not perfect, I can no longer hide behind my cloak of perfection. I don’t like this. This has to end. I have to cover my shame, but when we seek to cover our shame by continuing in pride and flesh, we end up bringing more shame and ultimately judgement which is what happened in Cain’ s case.

He was judged to walk the earth several years as a wanderer and no one was supposed to kill him. The contrast of the above mentioned scripture is with the lowly there is wisdom. In other words, when we allow ourselves to realize we don’t have it all together to the point of humility, God is willing to give us wisdom to work through our imperfections whether it is jealousy or whatever the case may be with the lowly there is wisdom.

We see this picture being painted for Cain as an offer from God when God says to Cain if you do well Will you not be accepted (Genesis 4:6-7). In other words, if you humble yourself and come to me for help I will help you with what I’ve allowed to be exposed in your heart and you will be accepted. I want to accept your sacrifice Cain let me show you how I can accept it.

If you do not understand the story at this point, you may want to take a look at Genesis 4 to see the story of how Cain became Jealous of his brother.

The conversation between Cain and God there shows a strong characteristic of God which is how he resists the proud, but gives Grace to the humble. The truth is humility is needed and should always be our choice when God exposes sin in us. It shows our need to depend on Christ and what he did on the cross to complete his work of salvation and regeneration in us.

When God exposes sin in us, it is because he has already set aside the grace for us to work through it if we choose humility. This process of humility is so important in maintaining all good relationships whether brother, sister, mother, or father. It will also be needed in the closest covenant relationship that we will have which is the marriage relationship. We cannot just check out in our flesh as it pertains to pride, and murder our spouse’s character or spirit because of jealousy and pride. We have to do the mature thing and choose humility going to the Lord for his wisdom and both us and our spouses will be made better for it.

Look at your current covenant relationships with your sisters as such preparing you with the life skills needed for a healthy marriage one day.

The wrong response to the emotion or spirit of jealousy is to walk in an unsettled and warring spirit that basically breeds strife, contention, pride, division, and confusion. This should not be among the women of God. This is how friends are separated and relationships are severed. The Bible talks about how jealousy is as cruel as the grave.

A person ruled by jealousy will not stop at assaulting a person’s character until they feel like they have killed the other person. This may not be a physical murder although it can in some cases be such as with Cain and Able in the Bible, but figuratively it is a murdering of another person’s spirit where that person becomes bound up like the person who is jealous of them.

Instead of both women being confident and building one another up, the result becomes two women walking in their insecurities, comparing themselves to others, and not being who God called them to be. That is not sexy, lady-like, nor God like. It just becomes an ugly mess and that is not what God wants.
Set me as a seal upon thine heart, as a seal upon thine arm: for love is strong as death; jealousy is cruel as the grave: the coals thereof are coals of fire, which hath a most vehement flame. Song of Solomon 8:6Love is what overcomes jealousy and love is what will need to be perfected in those who walk in a jealous spirit. As mentioned before love for one’s self that is gained through our relationship and fellowship with God and spills over into love for our sisters.

 A woman who embraces a spirit of jealousy doesn’t have a problem with her sister. She really has a problem with herself, and the emphasis placed on her sister is a distraction from her dealing with her own self-rejection.

The greatest commandment is to love God with all of our hearts, all of our souls, all of our minds and all of our strength and to love our neighbor as we love ourselves.

It is clear based on scripture that the best way to love someone else is to first love ourselves. In order to love ourselves we have to get the appropriate image of ourselves which comes from God. God says that he made us in a manner to be fearfully and wonderfully made. That means that he cut no corners in making us but was very specific about how he made us. We have the beautiful skin that we have intentionally by God and he calls it wonderful. We have the eyes, face, and nose that we have intentionally by God and he calls it wonderful.

We have the voice that we have intentionally by God and he calls it wonderful. We have gifts discovered and non-discovered intentionally by God and he calls it wonderful. We have a God-given purpose specific to us given by God and he calls it wonderful. We each and every last one of us are God’s masterpiece or work of art. We’ve been made in God’s image bearing the reflection of the highest and most honorable that there is and God calls that good and wonderful. We have to know this for ourselves however, and this comes through our intimate relationship with God. The more time we spend with God the more he can make us better and reveal to us who we are causing us to love who he’s made us to be and to love others.

As it pertains to our beauty, the word of God tells us to adorn ourselves. That means we are supposed to look in the mirror at ourselves and say wow! You bad girl! We should adorn ourselves so, that it doesn’t matter if we are in a room with the most beautiful women in the world, we should not shrink back in becoming jealous because we know that we are our best and our best is necessary and intended by God.

Ask God to give you a style that looks radiant on you. Ask God to help you with your hairstyles and makeup and so forth and he will. If we lack any type of wisdom God is able to give us that wisdom that we lack. I pray all the time about styles of clothes, hairstyle ideas, make up etc. Sometimes, we have those moments as women where we can get in a slump from of neglecting to take care of ourselves by taking care of others.

We are natural nurturers you know. In those times, we need a pick me up quick to feel beautiful, whole, and valuable again. Go get your nails done or do your own sometimes, by a new outfit, take a cute selfie here and there, try a new doo. Schedule workout time or plan healthy meals, and take quiet time for yourself to just do you. All of these things will help us as women to be in a position where our self-love will be on full and thus we can pour that love on our sisters instead of jealousy, envy, and strife.

Lastly, God reminds us that we are loved and worthy of love as women whether single or married. Sometimes, he will allow a mentor to take interest in you who may be older or more mature. He may also speak into your spirit reminding you that he loves you and you are beautiful. He also uses family members, friends, and others to re-affirm how he feels about you. Other times, he will use a nice gentleman on the street to speak to you in a respectful manner reminding you that you are beautiful wanting nothing else but to say hello and to compliment you. We need to take all of the good in so that we can pour out good while rejecting the bad.

Watch the supplemental video below:

Jealousy comes from a person who has already made an evaluation of themselves that they do not measure up, yet the person that they are comparing themselves to does and thus they have chosen to become jealous of that person comparing themselves to her and becoming covetous of her desiring what she has.

I know the Bible says to honor others better than yourselves, but that out of humility and love and not out of jealousy (Romans 12:10). We are supposed to have such an appropriate image of ourselves that we have to humble ourselves in order to view our sisters or brothers higher than ourselves.

The Bible says that Jesus being in the fashion of a man thought it not robbery to be equal with God, but he humbled himself unto the cross. That means that Jesus was full of confidence knowing who he was. He knew that he was God but being found in the form of a man made a conscious choice to humble himself all the way to the cross. End result was that Jesus was exalted you know the rest.

We are to follow the same example having a confident evaluation of who we are so much so that we are not distracted by our sisters, but we have to humble ourselves to place our sisters above ourselves in honor. We should not look at our sister with jealousy and covetousness wishing we had the attention that she has, the beauty that she has, gifts, talents, and wisdom that she has. We need to know that we all are the bomb.com, and with all of our gifts, talents, and beauty working together we are a beautiful air of praise and worship unto a holy God who made us. We are at our best when we are whole and complete realizing our value and worth. It causes us to realize the value and worth of others as well.

Therefore, jealousy is rooted in an inappropriate evaluation of ourselves, and when this happens we need to do a self-love check. So that after we have the appropriate image of ourselves we can like Jesus make a choice out of humility to honor our sisters instead of putting them down through jealousy, covetousness, envy, and strife to make ourselves feel better because of our poor evaluation of ourselves.
Be devoted to one another in love. Honor one another above yourselves. Romans 12:10

View supplemental video below:

Rejection and fear are the roots of a lot of issues that women deal with between one another. These root issues separate us making our relationships weak to non-existent. The end result of the mess that rejection brings about through jealousy, envy, and strife often leads women to an end of isolation. Everyone knows that isolation while at times can be a good thing if it draws us closer to God causing us to depend on him more, can also be a bad thing because people who are isolated in some forms can stunt their own growth. They often aren’t used to dealing with someone else correcting them. They are used to their own opinions with no opposing opinion which can open the door for pride. Isolated people also learn to be guarded people putting up walls taking on a spirit of I can do it all by myself. I don’t need anyone’s help which is not true. We all need one another.

Isolation can cause a person to be easy prey for the enemy as well. That’s why it’s good to bounce off feelings and thoughts on sisters to get a balanced perspective and not to drown in negativity. For some reason, it seems that our thoughts or at least my thoughts lean more toward the negative unless I direct them toward more positive thoughts intentionally.

Rejection is the fear of not being good enough, not being able to measure up, or being able to obtain something that we want. Rejection of one’s self leads to competition with others. Instead of appreciating our own uniqueness, we focus so much on the uniqueness of others that we despise ourselves and begin to emulate others thinking maybe then we will be accepted. All of this is rooted in the wrong perspective of ourselves the perspective of rejection.

My question to the rejected is who told you that you were rejected? Who told you that you were not good enough? We need to stop listening to the wrong opinion of ourselves because this will show up in the relationships that God is trying to give us with other women as sisters and cause us to forfeit those relationships which will cause us to potentially forfeit our growth in walking upstream against the tide of what has become so common with women rejection, competition, pride, envy, and strife.

Rejection and fear go hand in hand. Fear robs us of our peace causing us to be anxious. Fear of being alone. Well, if I am not pretty enough, I will not end up with anyone. Well, if I do not compete I will end up with nothing in the end. God says I have not given you the spirit of fear, but of love, power, and of a sound mind. Fear of rejection shows a lack of trust in God because us obtaining his promises are not contingent on how good we are or how pretty we are, but on how much we believe in God, and when we have faith and believe we will be willing to endure through anything until our promise is fulfilled.

Rejection is something that we all will have to face in our lives. We all have moments when we don’t feel good enough or pretty enough, but we have to have enough of the love of God in our hearts to push pass how we feel walking in love anyway toward ourselves first and then toward others.

There is so much pressure placed on women to be beautiful, to stand out that we do not always balance our image of ourselves well. I remember having a conversation with one of my friends back in college years ago at SSC (South Suburban College). We were having a conversation about how some women are so beautiful that we would not think that they would ever have problems with self-esteem. The young lady told me that she thought that I would be one of those girls who would not have a problem with self-esteem. I thought to myself hmm, don’t know why she would have that idea, I’m just me you know nothing extra special.

The reality is that sometimes we can reject ourselves when other people aren’t even thinking about us in a negative way. Sometimes, God may give our sister the right perspective of us or other people to re-affirm us, but we cannot see it ourselves because of the rejection. We all no matter how beautiful the world may consider us, deal with insecurities and rejection and that is why we need a relationship with God and one another to build each other up.

As a woman who is the only girl of four brothers besides my sister who was still-born, I can appreciate having sisters. Some older and some younger, but there is something unique, special, and comforting about having sisters. We all come in various shapes, sizes, and personalities, but share some core similarities.

Those similarities cause us to understand each other and are a sure reminder that we are not alone. Similarities include the desire to be loved, desired, seen about, and feel pretty, valued and precious to someone. What better bond to build with someone than the bond between sisters with common understanding, desires and goals.

Sisters need one another. I’ve had a few older sisters and some younger who I’ve learned things from such as beauty secrets, appropriate and inappropriate behavior, how to have faith in God for things I did not see nor understand, and just to pick me up when I have moments that I stop believing in myself.

Sisters with the right spirit are confidants, mothers when necessary, iron that sharpens, and encouragers at all times. They love genuinely covering faults without judgement, but instead possess a listening and understanding ear. In a time, where many men are not available to cover women the way that a man should, God often uses the close knit of sisters to fill this gap.

This is why Satan fights godly sisterhood so much because it is a strong weapon against his agenda of destroying women. In this series on sisterhood, we will look at some of Satan’s weapons against sisterhood and how they can be overcome.

In the upcoming weeks we will discuss rejection which is a root to most of the problems between women, jealousy, covetousness, self-love, and contentment. Stay tuned for more interviews and wisdom on the, “Series on Sisterhood.”

After several wrong attempts to get me to switch lanes as we waited at the stop light, I just decided to remain silent and when he sees the familiar landmarks after the light changes he’ll know. Finally, the light changed. I continued to make my turn and walla, my dad could see that I was right. Instead of making a big deal, I simply said that’s okay, I used to get confused too while taking this exit. I could tell my dad was embarrassed, but not for long because it ended with the correction.

Not dwelling on mistakes, weaknesses, or faults, but covering, reaffirming and building up instead ought to be our model as women to maintain the respect that men need just as we need to be reaffirmed in knowing that we are loved and worthy of love.

I imagine myself now building up my husband making him feel 9 ft. tall despite his stature or insecurities. I would say something like this G rated version lol:

“You are the best man I have ever met in my whole life.”

Next, I’d tell him why. Okay, this is TMI, but I secretly imagine myself telling someone this that I’ve got my eye on. Blush face…That real man of God stuff has chicks like whoa!

But until my opportunity comes, I make my resolve to be a builder.