From personal experience, dating God’s way often means long periods of not dating at all. When was the last time you’ve been on a date? Be honest. There is nothing to be ashamed of if you have not dated in a while. I used to be ashamed of not having gone on a date in a long time. I used to even question myself if I was worthy of being courted, pursued, or finely dined. As an older person, who’s been there and done that; I realize I don’t want it unless it’s with someone that I can potentially see a future with.

I’m 37 years old. I date with purpose when I date. I desire real genuine love and commitment, and I strongly believe that is out there for me in God’s timing. I had to learn to wait for what’s right over right now. It can be discouraging as a woman with standards not being asked out by men who share the same values. As a Christian, I don’t want to be unequally yoked. I only want to marry another Christian, so I only date other Christians, but there’s the thing of Christian men not approaching Christian women. As a Christian woman, who’s primarily approached by none Christian men; it can be a temptation to try to fix a man or missionary date a man, but when you’re mature and you’ve been there and done that; it’s no longer an option.

Probably the greatest issue that our generation faces is bringing men and women together of like minds and values to build together. The first and foundational part of building a healthy relationship is to have similar values. The core values are the things that are less typical of changing. They hold everything else up built upon them. Core values are your strong personal convictions such as your faith, your morals, and attitudes around family, money, social norms, and the treatment of others.

Once the values are in place, other less important aspects of a potential partner can be considered like how much money a person makes, how big or small their belly is, or their height. These things can be compromised on, but core values must be agreed upon. The Bible says, “How can two walk together except they are agreed? (Amos 3:3)”

Don’t feel like you’re doing yourself a disservice by not having gone on a date, but rather be open to communicate with various men you meet whether in the church, at an event, in the grocery store, or whatever venue. Just be open to communicate with him to find out what their values look like. When you are whole, content, and self-loving enough to pass up on what doesn’t align with your core values; you’re ready to truly date with a purpose. You’re equipped with patience to wait as long as it takes because you embody being a woman or man of God who knows s/he’s worth it.

For the ladies, I have a game-plan that you can use when going throughout your day and a man approaches you. You can ask him a question that will begin to show you pieces of his heart. This question also leads to more questions where you can either connect with him further or back up and gracefully let him know you aren’t the one for him. I believe we all have a match if the Lord wills. Everyone simply just isn’t for us, and it’s okay to recognize that and gracefully keep it moving.

This blog post is a video of an interview that I did with Camille of Purely Bacherlorette on my latest book, “Patterns of the Heart: Discernment in Choosing a Potential Spouse.” I share regarding my journey as a 37-year-old virgin and single Christian woman, and how I learned to accept myself, overcame brokenness due to my household upbringing, and how I learned to appreciate God’s grace even more and how appreciating God’s grace even more is a good prerequisite to getting into a marriage relationship. Finally, we cover pretty much all of the questions in the book briefly along with other nuggets.

Watch the full interview below:

Recently, I was made aware of a show called “The Talk Back” series by Poet Ezekiel Azonwu. He has a YouTube channel called “The Azonwus” where his series can be watched. It’s an experiment where there are three urban men and three urban women who are seated with their backs turned toward one another. They ask each other questions and respond freely without seeing the facial reactions of the others.

During part 1, the ladies ask each of the men why they are single and the first brother shared that many single Christian women do not take personal accountability. Further, he shared that many single Christian women do not know what accountability is. He went on to make the point sharing that many women have dealt with such low-quality men; that they have not honestly had to look at themselves taking responsibility for where they fall short because they’re so distracted by the low-quality men.

I believe there is some truth to the above statement and it’s a scary thing for women in that position because those women aren’t yet humbly self-aware. Because they aren’t humbly self-aware of their faults or need for personal growth for focusing on the dirt of low-quality potentials; they fail to take action to make healthy changes. They do not see the need to make a change because to them they are okay. This is a common coping mechanism of the insecure. They find someone worse off or weaker than them to make themselves feel they are okay. It’s a legit issue.

I’ve experienced this myself with women who have attempted to date my brothers. We’d normally become friendly until they see an imperfect part of one of my brothers and that’s when they’ve wanted to have a trash my brother session with me, which is not appropriate. However, the immaturity in them not taking personal responsibility doesn’t communicate to them that the whole thought of putting down a relative to another relative is disrespectful. I think the pride and immaturity of not taking self-accountability blinds some women from what is normal and appropriate.

There has been an assumption with some women because I encourage and minister to women that I would agree with certain behaviors such as not taking responsibility or hating on men. That’s simply untrue. I’ve learned to be a balanced woman of balanced discernment, who has embraced the fact that I am human with weaknesses of my own. Thus, I humbly take account of my weaknesses even if it’s uncomfortable, and I pray for those who are too immature to do so. However, when confronted consistently with women, who are this way, who expect me to be on their side; I sometimes have to say something, and it’s often not well received.

I shared in my first book, “The Single Christian Woman’s Guide’ how God spoke to me in prayer when I was disappointed with the fact that I had not seen many godly men my age. God told me to focus on him and not on the men, who had been inappropriate. When we are abiding in God in honesty and humility; we are more aware of the work that God is doing in us. God will expose things within us to take account of and give over to him. There is a promise from God where He promises to prune those who abide in him and who have bought forth good fruit in the past. God prunes us so that we bring forth more good fruit.

Taking personal responsibility for our actions, thoughts, and perspectives is part of that pruning process. It will be uncomfortable. God will have to cut somethings away―wrong thinking, pride, arrogance, and idols resulting in a humble woman, who depends on God. Submitting to God’s process and continuing to take responsibility for what God shows us will always result in deliverance and healing for us.

Therefore, confess (take ownership of) your sins to each other and pray for each other so that you may be healed. The prayer of a righteous person is powerful and effective. – James 5:16

Are you a woman who does not take accountability? How do you feel about the statement that many single Christian women do not take responsibility? How do you think failing to take responsibility will affect a relationship or a marriage? Do you think this can prevent a woman from getting into a relationship? Please, share in the comments below:

Watch the video from, “The Talk Back” below:

When you choose something you genuinely want; you appreciate it more and are more willing to pay the price for it. I thought about this when I recently went into an office supplies store looking for a printer. The printers had been flying off of the shelves due to Covid-19―possibly because many people are working from home and setting up their home offices.

They did not have any printers left within the price-range I had previously decided to spend. The salesman walked around the store and looked into what inventory he had left. Finally, he came back sharing with me he’d found one more printer near my price-range that had been discontinued maybe 9 months back.

I followed him in anticipation. As I approached the printer, I noticed it looked flimsy and was nowhere near a previous design I’d decided I wanted. I would have been paying about $25 over budget for something of lesser quality. The thought passed through my mind that I would not have to look any longer for what I’d wanted if I chose this flimsy machine that looked as if it would not last very long.

I also wondered why it had been discontinued. Did the company find an error with it, I thought? Were there too many complaints or requests for refunds regarding the printer? I utilized my power of choice to make a confident decision. I decided to pass on the printer because it wasn’t what I wanted. It could not meet my needs for scanning should I have to submit work-related documents that required a signature.

I would have been settling for what was available instead of what I had intended on receiving and spending with my preciously earned money. Because I had a clear vision of a printer that I wanted before I went into the store, I did not have to waste much time trying to convince myself to want something so drastically outside of my vision.

It’s similar when it comes to choosing a spouse. Single ladies and gentlemen, you have options. Just because you may be shopping in a place where it doesn’t seem like you have many options at the moment; doesn’t mean that you should simply choose what’s available—especially when what’s available can’t meet the need nor the vision God’s assigned to your life.

Use that time to build your confidence in trusting the Lord and his good plans for you. Growing in trust towards the Lord will build the confidence you need to turn away from what isn’t for you. You’ll realize your power of choice over settling, and you’ll have the confidence you need to say no when what’s presented isn’t for you. It’s okay to exercise your power of choice to choose wisely.
I ended up looking again online for the specific printer I’d already decided I wanted. I found it at an online store that I’ve bought video and photography equipment in the past. It was on sale for the same price as the cheaper flimsier printer. This time, I was willing to pay the price because it aligned with my vision.

Single ladies and gents, we are waiting for something that not only aligns with our vision, but with God’s vision for us. It’s within that vision, that we’ll be willing to pay the price because it will be worth it. It will be what we’ve chosen all along when we disciplined ourselves to be built into those who’d be mature enough to handle the vision. So, please don’t cast your pearls before swine accepting something only because it’s available, but nowhere near the capacity to sustain the call of God on your life. Be patient and wait to choose what you are sure God has for you through your faith.

Utilize the book, “Patterns of the Heart: Discernment in Choosing a Potential Spouse” to ask thought-provoking questions when dating a potential spouse. Learn more here: Click here

Where there is no vision, the people perish: but he that keepeth the law, happy is he. – Proverbs 29:18
“Do not give dogs what is sacred; do not throw your pearls to pigs. If you do, they may trample them under their feet, and turn and tear you to pieces. – Matthew 7:6

This is part four of a Six-part series about our current view of singleness at this stage in life. This is inspired by my latest book, Patterns of the Heart: Discernment in Choosing a Potential Spouse. Consider taking the quiz at the link in the bottom and continue to follow this series to find out more insight on what the quiz means.

Question # 6

Did God show you if he has a spouse for you? If yes, how so?

1. Yes, in my spirit, 40 %
2. Yes, through a prophet, 0%
3. Yes through a and b, 20%
4. No, 40%

Not everyone will get married. I think some people who don’t pay attention to my writings but follow me briefly on social media assume that I teach that everyone will get married. That’s not true nor is it Biblical. The Bible is clear and common sense is clear that not everyone will get married, but to those God has personally made a promise concerning marriage; God’s word will not come back void. I am one of those women.

Because I am one of those women, I’ve been fought hard in holding fast to God’s ways to embrace that promise; thus, I have been transparent with my journey to encourage other women letting them know that we can believe God and we do not have to take down from the things God’s given us to get the man he’s promised us. Some of those things are being not being unequally yoked, and not having sex outside of marriage. Stand firm in your identity in Christ and continue to believe God for what he has promised you. If marriage isn’t something God has dealt with you about and you still desire it; ask the Lord to show you if he has that for you.

I’ve met a woman before who simply doesn’t desire marriage. She is cool on all of that, and that is fine. I don’t force an idea of marriage on people at all, but I do encourage those God has promised it to not to settle or compromise for anything less than God’s promise.

For there are different reasons why men cannot marry: some, because they were born that way; others, because men made them that way; and others do not marry for the sake of the Kingdom of heaven. Let him who can accept this teaching do so.”

This is part four of a Six-part series about our current view of singleness at this stage in life. This is inspired by my latest book, Patterns of the Heart: Discernment in Choosing a Potential Spouse. Consider taking the quiz at the link in the bottom and continue to follow this series to find out more insight on what the quiz means.

Question #5
How do you most see yourself at this stage in life as a single person?

1. Resting in God with hope for the future, 67%
2. Wishing for a situation to change to begin enjoying life, 17%
3. Having to work to attain God’s promise in fear that you may not attain it, 8%
4. Hoping to feel approved as a woman by becoming a wife, 8%

It’s a good thing to look at our progress. It actually shows us that we are going somewhere. When our perspectives shift to that which lines up with what God says about us; we know we’ve moved from one place to the next. It gives us hope and something to look forward to. If we’ve chosen a. we should be living every day in expectation of the goodness of God. We are in a position where we’ve learned to trust God beyond how things feel and appear. This will be very needful for our futures and still applicable to those of us who will be married later. We will not just be able to leave the marriage immediately if we think it doesn’t feel or look right. We will have to endure through more processes knowing that we are still going somewhere. This is all a part of our maturity as people. Those who chose b, c, and d are still in process, but at least you know there is an end to those harmful perspectives and the end is rest in God.

Reference my first book, “The Single Christian Woman’s Guide,” if you’re waiting for your situation of singleness to change. I discussed in that book what to do as a single person in waiting for a godly spouse and how we are to live our lives valuing the gift of singleness. Part of valuing our singleness will be taking advantage of our growing deeper in our intimate relationship with the Lord, and using our time to walk out our purpose, learn who we are and develop in our personal growth as well as our passions that were given to us by God for a greater purpose.

Reference my second book, “The Wholeness Action Plan,” if you’ve chosen letter c. This book helps us to maintain a healthy image of ourselves, and how God sees us even through hard circumstances. Sometimes, when a hard circumstance comes or disappointment is experienced, we assume we weren’t good enough and we begin to make unhealthy choices for ourselves. We may even take on perfectionism to work harder next time for what we are supposed to be trusting God for. Things that are outside of our control, we have to trust God for. That could include meeting a suitable spouse, healing, or other things that would otherwise be impossible. I share how we do not work for the things God’s promised us, but we rest into the things God’s promised us. God made clear in his Word that those who would not enter God’s rest, would not enter into his promises. The Wholeness Action Plan is a book that causes God’s people to rest. As singles, we have to get to a place where we are settled on the who and what God says we are.

Finally, If you’ve chosen the letter d, I want to encourage you to know that you have nothing to prove. When you know you are fully accepted and fully loved; you have nothing to prove. There is no amount of work, accomplishment or anything that can be done to make you worthy of love and acceptance. That is something that every human being is born with. The sooner we all have an understanding of our value in that way; the more empowered we’ll feel in making a healthy choice to choose wisely. A mindset that feels there is something to prove based on being in a relationship or not; may belong to a person willing to compromise to show an appearance of grasping real love. We should not want to live by the acceptance of others based on appearances. We should be so whole within that we simply will only settle for real love no matter how it looks.

The reality in this day and time is it will often look like being single for a longer period of time until someone genuinely suitable comes along, and that is okay. I’d like to encourage you to remain in God’s process as a single person and allow him to teach you how to accept yourself fully. Utilize the resources presented on this website and continue to grow.

Many of you have been rocking with me for many years. It’s something to believe that this blog will be turning 8 years old later this year. I recently did a poll of my email subscribers to find out how they are currently viewing their singleness and the figures were really good. Below, I’ll share each question and the results at the start of this series. Then, I’ll share why each question shows the importance of holding the proper perspective. The proper perspectives on each question will allow one to know if s/he is ready to date yet or if s/he is currently still in process.

This poll is for those who would like to date with a whole mindset meaning having their perspectives lined up with what God says. Thus, dating would not be motivated by fear, control, rejection, or any of the issues we can sometimes use dating to cover up. This isn’t to say that a person cannot get married and have a successful marriage if they don’t have the correct answer to each of these because God’s grace is sufficient for our weaknesses and he’s committed to our process.

I believe there are those God has called apart to be an example of doing dating and marriage from a whole mindset. Most people don’t do it because it is hard and requires sacrifice and humility. Most people prefer the easy way of doing things. While the easy way works out okay in the beginning; it often gets harder with time. The bottom line is we all will have to go through something, but through following the wisdom of God, some hardships can be avoided.

Let’s go through the singleness perception poll to gain a personal view of whether we are ready to date or not. If yes, is the answer. Purchase my latest book: Patterns of the Heart: Discernment in Choosing a Potential Spouse. This book will help you to practice discernment during your dating/pre-dating process. The book is currently available at all major online retailers.

Question #1
What are you most likely to do when a guy approaches you in public?

1. Stop and converse if attracted, 80%
2. Freeze up with fear, 20%
3. Ignore him and keep going, 0%

As women, we can limit ourselves to our expectations, which often are to meet a guy in a safe and secure communal environment such as a church. The reality is our potential spouse may be anywhere and with the wrong mindset, we could be blocking ourselves out. The question then becomes if I may meet my potential spouse anywhere; how can I protect myself in discerning if a guy is good for me? These types of questions are answered in the new book, “Patterns of the Heart: Discernment in Choosing a Potential Spouse.” As a free bonus for purchasing the book and providing a screen-shot of the receipt to me via email; I’ll provide a question we can ask guys that we meet in public to help us weed out guys who would only waste our time. We are too valuable to give just anyone our romantic attention.

Question # 2
Do you feel confident in communication with a person of the opposite sex?

1. Yes, 80%
2. No, 20 %

Single believers are blessed with time that married people often do not have. We should use this time to enjoy our lives, relationship with God, and to develop ourselves in every aspect of our lives. So, you’ve learned that you aren’t the best communicator. Join a professional development group that helps you to communicate. Join unisex ministries at church or visit unisex ministries at other churches. Many women may be afraid to communicate with a man they are interested in due to religion. The Black church has taught Proverbs 18:21 so wrongly that many women are afraid to be themselves.

Do you know that being yourself naturally makes you more comfortable with talking with the opposite sex because being yourself makes you more comfortable with expressing yourself with confidence? Thus, if you are a friendly person, be friendly to everyone including men—even if you’re interested in a man. As long as you aren’t overdoing it seeking to control, manipulate, or force something that isn’t there. You should be trusting God in all of your interactions. We’ll discuss this further in the next question. Smile, laugh, cry, be authentically you. Side-note: Sometimes, when we aren’t supposed to form a relationship with a person, it will be more difficult to connect with them. That could be God keeping a door closed that we aren’t supposed to open.

I love Fantasia. She is one of my favorite artists not only for her sanging but her realness and vulnerability in allowing the public to see what God is doing in her life. I think it’s so encouraging. I remember watching a documentary special of her sharing her testimony on YouTube. More recently, she commented on The Breakfast Club on why most women cannot find a man and its because they are trying to be the leader. She shared that it is a generational curse that stemmed from women being forced into the male role due to irresponsible men who leave women to raise the kids on their own. She shared that women become so bold and bad that they no longer know how to be soft women.

I’d have to agree that Fantasia makes a very real and legitimate point about women being forced into male roles, and thus not knowing how to operate outside of that when a man comes. I’ve also seen single women who have no kids who have become just as hard because of not encountering men who want to fulfill the role of protecting, covering, and leading a woman. Thus, women say to themselves, they don’t need a man out of bitterness and hardness toward men not stepping up. I’ve talked about this before. Bitterness is a trap that prevents us from giving and receiving love.

The only grievance I have with what Fantasia said is that’s why most women are single. Many women have overcome the let down of not knowing or encountering mature men of God who are ready to step up to the plate. These women have overcome by simply trusting in God and re-shifting their focus from those men to hope in God that a real brotha exists.

However, because these women are also single; they get lumped into a category that I view as condemnation. Women are condemned by some of the church culture for being single as if there is something wrong with them for that. It is because they will not submit, their a Jezebel, or God forbid other very mean things that church culture implies and imposes as labels on singles.

This pressure to get from underneath the umbrella of singleness to prove worthiness as women can be very harmful to women. A single woman should not focus so much on submitting to a man but reviewing the man’s character to see if he is worthy of submission. It should not be that she is looking to submit to a man just to be married.

Thankfully, Fantasia and her husband shared a video later on their Instagram to balance out the conversation and provide more insight into the male perspective. In short, her husband shared that many men have abused the gift of submission using it only to dominate and control instead of modeling submission first. Mr. Taylor shared that he models submission first in his submitting to God by feeding himself with the Word of God and becoming knowledgeable in important areas. Then, he shows his wife and she willingly follows. This is the precedent that he set for his house and it’s working. He gave an analogy of submission being a beautiful song and dance between two lovers. Thus, it takes two to submit. It isn’t all just on the woman, but the woman and the man work together.

First things first, sex is very private, but Iris & Keith’s relationship on Married at First Sight has bought a large television audience into some of the day-to-day virgin shaming and fears produced because of it. Just take a look at some of the comments on social media about Iris to see what I mean.

Iris married Keith at first sight and later shared with him that she was a virgin. He seemed to welcome Iris with her virginity and all saying he’d be patient with her because he wanted their relationship to work.

Later, as the show progressed and the couple had not yet consummated their marriage, Keith shared the concern with Iris that her virginity may be an issue. With the pressure of marrying a man, she did not know and trying to build a relationship with him the added pressure and real fear that she may lose him if she doesn’t get with the program and become sexual real soon lingered. No one wants to have sex because of pressure. It should be done in genuineness when the two are ready in a scenario such as with MAFS.

Not to mention, something that should be special and private is being broadcast before millions on television. All of this pressure kind of put their physical intimacy at a standstill until this week. This week pastor Kyle talked with Keith while the sex therapist, Dr. Vivian Coles spoke with Iris. Getting some outside advice seemed to help them to get out of the funk of a standstill when it comes to intimacy.

However, virgin shaming is a real thing. Virgins are often very mature in many ways if they’re well-balanced like Iris, but no matter how sharp; they get placed in the immature category. It’s normal to shame or talk down to or about virgins. We sometimes become dumping cans for those who want to chide someone for being perfect. Just listen to some of your Sunday sermons, or take a look at social media where loose comments are thrown around to bring virgins back down to reality.

We are placed on a pedal-stool of perfection when in reality we are just human with the same basic needs as everyone else―love, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness. Because of the false perception of virgins; many virgins operate out of fear and fell to be themselves.

Virgins must conquer the fear of being misunderstood, never being loved, and virgins must accept themselves for who they are. We have to continue to develop in other areas outside of our sexuality despite those who limit us to the achievement of waiting for sex only. I remember one day I had gotten a prophetic word at a conference that said there is someone in this room who’s been through a lot of persecution and rejection, but God wants you to know the place where you are at is safe now.

It was about the persecution I’d been through back to back to back. I’d been in so much persecution for so long concerning my identity and also my virginity that I’d gotten tired of fighting. I was drained. I went into the restroom and cleansed my face because I’d been crying about the word. A young lady I’d seen a few times was in the restroom and I shared about the word and my virginity as if being a virgin was the reason I’d gone through so much and she told me it was a good thing to be a virgin.

I don’t think I’d heard anyone say that before. I’d been learning how to hate and despise myself by how others saw me and how I saw myself. That restroom break was the beginning of a new way of seeing myself. I’ve embraced who I am―all of who I am including my virginity. Yes, it’s something that many don’t understand and many people will place me in a category to tell me who I am and what I am worthy of and yes, I will lose male interests because of it, but it’s a part of who I am. I do think that because we as humans, in general, tend to remember the bad more than the good; we make a bigger deal of things than it really is.

Thankfully, Keith and Iris were able to get past it. They began opening up more physically, which is good. The real issue that was hindering their intimacy was communication. They needed to see things from each other’s perspective plus get a little guidance from the experts.

After they communicated and saw each other’s perspective; they were able to move forward.
The next time you think to shame a virgin for being a virgin; remember that we are human and communicate with us in respect and love to see things from our perspective as well. Don’t assume we are a particular way based on your insecurities that you refuse to address without first giving us a chance in getting to know us.
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Lastly, I’m so proud of Iris for being her genuine self on the show despite the opinions of others. There are often deep convictions that draw us to remain celibate until marriage such as our devotion to God. It’s God who empowers us to live this life and go through all of the persecution and discomfort attached to it. He uses it to make us stronger and more resilient. To all of the fellow virgins out there do not ever be ashamed of your choice to wait until marriage to have sex.
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Don’t believe the lies of the enemy or others, who put you on a pedal-stool to bring you down to see yourself as worthless. You are worthy of love, genuine affection and care just like every other human being.

Call to check on them
While calling them to check on them, you’ll want to listen to them. It’s a process to cope with the pain of losing a loved one. The surviving loved one may be asking themselves questions as to how they got to the moment of their loved one no longer being here. Did they do all they could do to help the deceased loved one stay alive or stay healthy? Did they visit him or her enough while he/she was still alive? Allowing the mourning individual to talk out what they are feeling and how they are perceiving things gives him/her a safe place to not keep their grief bottled inside. It provides a safe relief and reminds them that they are not alone.

Offer to Cook a Dish for the Repass
With so many different factors going into planning and finalizing funeral details; often something needed will be missed or forgotten. Offering your help to provide a dish, paper-wear, drinks, and anything needed will provide much-needed relief in an already stressful time.

Be Understanding
People process grief differently. If someone needs to withdraw for a brief period, don’t take it personally. They could be recharging and/or conserving energy for tasks they will not be able to avoid. Grief can be very heavy at times making it hard to keep moving. Assure a withdrawing person that it is okay to take a moment to him/herself. As long as the withdrawal is healthy. A person should not cut everyone off altogether for extended periods or withdrawal into negative behavior.

Feel free to encourage or provide a referral to grief counseling when someone dealing with grief seems to be somewhat emotionally unstable. A good referral is griefshare.com. Grief-share is an international ministry where you can visit their website, enter your zip code, and sign up for their free support group. The group meets 13 weeks participating in viewing video teachings about grief, group discussion and support, and working through a workbook that shares how to heal through grief.

Don’t be afraid to be there
Often when a person experiences a friend losing a loved one; fear of saying the wrong thing may cause the friend to withdrawal. It’s okay to reach out. Ask if anything is needed. More than likely your friend will be appreciative that you asked, and he/she will keep you in mind when they actually do need something like someone to run an errand, provide a dish, or read scripture during the funeral. If you are limited on your time and participation; you can always provide a card, hug, or donation. The point is to do something. Prayers are appreciated, but reaching out and showing that you’re there will show you as someone who cares.