Positioning Yourself Vs. Pursuing: What’s the Difference?

Lessons learned in extended singleness help us to become more settled in resting in ourselves, our worth, and our overall value as women. One of the nicest lessons to learn is that when a mature man sees your value; he will do whatever is necessary to win you over.

This is a lesson often shared but too rarely experienced among single women of God desiring marriage. We trust God, pop in and out of networks, travel, join small groups, visit various churches, try online dating—so many different things to be found by a man who values us. After years of this and coming up short, we scratch our heads asking why have we not yet experienced this for ourselves.

If we aren’t careful, we’ll start to believe we aren’t worthy. I want to encourage readers to see that we are worthy and this wisdom is true whether we’ve experienced it for ourselves or not. At the right time, we will experience this. However, we have to maintain our confidence, worth, and value despite, keeping on walking in a way where we are willing to position ourselves. Positioning ourselves deals with an inner heart posture of readiness and openness. It also means being in the mix where the people are. Whether it’s social media, single’s events, or travel groups.

Positioning Ourselves with an Inner Heart Posture of Readiness

This means maintaining a heart of hope, faith, joy, expectation, and openness. Our hearts aren’t distracted by wrong thinking that has become a stronghold within our perceptions. Things like bitterness, unforgiveness, unbelief, stereotypes, and more can be distractions that keep us from being in a position of being found.

We will need to work through these feelings, perceptions, and disappointed expectations with the Lord and possibly a trusted confidant whether a therapist or friend to have our hearts clear and open again. I discuss these in much more detail in my coaching program for Single Christian women desiring marriage. Subscribe to our email list for a free anti-anxiety prayer guide and a link to a free dating course that helps with practicing discernment.

Once all is clear, we’ll need to get outside while maintaining clarity of heart and mind

Walking with a healthy view of ourselves and what we are worthy of is an everyday process. We don’t stop renewing our minds after we feel better once, but we continue to renew our minds daily. Positioning ourselves around men who can see our value will start with openness.

Why not start being open to getting to know a guy who shows interest in you and you have a hunch that his character may be good but there is no initial attraction? Do you know how attraction works for you? Are you the type to only entertain conversations with your type and you write off the ones who aren’t? I’m not talking about guys who are repulsive to you. I’m talking about guys who don’t look bad to you but don’t look good either. You never know. An attraction may naturally grow.

If you are too shy to go out with him immediately; connect with him on social media. You may find that the two of you have more in common than you thought. You could have missed all of that because there was no attraction initially. Join our Facebook group for details on a discussion on how attraction works for women.

Getting Outside

Go to the places that you enjoy. Do you like live music? Hit up a Jazz club or a music venue that serves food. These are nice environments to meet people. City Winery is a nice live music venue that serves food. One time, I booked a seat at a table across from another person because I did not want to sit alone. You don’t know who will be there until you get there. When I arrived, a single brother sat across from me and two other gentlemen at the table. The guy just across from me bought me a drink.

He was very friendly although not seeking to enter a relationship—he had been divorced from a 20-year marriage. He wanted to simply enjoy being single again. Although, the friendly outing did not lead to any romantic relationship—it was nice to enjoy being treated like a lady.

These experiences are small reminders that we are worth it. We speak a lot about Boaz, who did what was necessary to win Ruth. But first, Boaz had to become aware that Ruth existed. Don’t become discouraged in putting yourself out there because you may have given a guy a hint that he did not run with. He just wasn’t for you. Continue to do the things that remind you you’re worthy and keep positioning yourself until you have that experience like Ruth.

Pursuing looks like
Pursuing is continuing to position yourself in proximity to a man who has made it clear he isn’t interested. Men have their ways of showing disinterest. Sometimes, they pretend as if they are interested because they like the attention. However, they do not take any concrete steps to further a relationship. They may give no verbal response at all. There’s the saying, no response is a response.

As women, our energy changes when we pursue a man. We get into a mindset of having to prove ourselves to them. Instead of us just being women and realizing that is enough. Our worth goes down in our eyes and the eyes of the one we are pursuing. This is very dangerous for women. If we notice this within ourselves; we should cut off all contact with the gentleman we are tempted to pursue.

We will need to get back into our feminine energy of realizing that we are enough. We are an answer to the right man. And the right man will value us. We deserve to be pursued and not the other way around.

Singles, What is Your Attitude in the Holding Pattern of Singleness?

Singles that have been single for long periods can begin to wane tired and anxious from being in the holding pattern of singleness. When we become tired and anxious, we don’t always make the best decisions. We can even become more vulnerable to unhealthy things we’d never consider.

I’m currently reading the Bible within a year and am in the book of 1 Samuel. Things are being highlighted to me that I did not realize before and it’s helping me to maintain a good perspective in my holding pattern of singleness.

1 Samuel shares the story of Saul and David. Saul and David were both in holding patterns. Both had received promises from God. Saul’s promise was that the kingdom would be snatched from him. David’s promise was that he would be king.

David had his own battles to fight. Like many singles, David lived as a nomad. He did not really have a place to call home. Instead, he ran from place to place hiding in caves, deserts, and even among the enemies of Israel—the Philistines.

Have you ever felt like you were a bit of a nomad as a single believer? You join one community to have a place of belonging—and that place is up. You have to find another. This is how David lived for years. During this time, he kept the promise of God before him.

When he would forget about God’s promise, God would send others to remind him. It helps when we are in a holding pattern to remain in a place of thankfulness as David, be strengthened by those who are believing with us, and continue to humble ourselves remaining in the faith.

Remaining Thankful in the Holding Pattern of Singleness

Let’s start with Saul, who even though God’s anointing as king had left him; he had so many reasons to be thankful. First, the kingdom was not immediately taken away from him. He was gifted by God to continue to be king for an entire 42 years. This means he did not have to give up being king until his death at age 72. That’s almost an entire lifetime of enjoying the privilege of serving God’s people Israel as king.

During that span, he got to meet his successor, David. David honored Saul as a father. Even though God’s anointing as the king had left Saul—his covenant of mercy was still with him. His son, Johnathan, and two of his other sons were also faithful to their father, Saul, unto death.

Yet, through all of these good things that happened to Saul—he allowed his heart to become hardened and his judgment to be cloudy down to the similitude of a madman in his attempt to kill David.

David’s response was that of thankfulness. He was grateful to become the son-in-law to the king—at first, seeing himself as too small in his eyes for such a position. He continued in thankfulness and humility asking for help whenever needed.

Singles Can be Strengthened by those believing with us in the holding pattern of Singleness

In his asking for help and even faintness of heart, at times. He would always be strengthened by others who believed God with him. The priest Abiathar assisted him with bread for him and his men. David quickly became a leader and others who were outcasted began to follow him. He could not afford to lose it completed because God gave him an assignment in his waiting to lead other men like himself.

Johnathan came to him several times strengthening him and reminding him that God promised him he’d be king. It certainly did not look like it at so many points in David’s life—but it was still to come to pass.

“Don’t be afraid,” he said. “My father Saul will not lay a hand on you. You will be king over Israel, and I will be second to you. Even my father Saul knows this.” – 1 Samuel 23:17

Abigail, David’s 3rd wife, while still married to Nabal, reminded David that God would make him king:

“Please forgive your servant’s presumption. The Lord your God will certainly make a lasting dynasty for my lord, because you fight the Lord’s battles, and no wrongdoing will be found in you as long as you live.  Even though someone is pursuing you to take your life, the life of my lord will be bound securely in the bundle of the living by the Lord your God, but the lives of your enemies he will hurl away as from the pocket of a sling. When the Lord has fulfilled for my lord every good thing he promised concerning him and has appointed him ruler over Israel, my lord will not have on his conscience the staggering burden of needless bloodshed or of having avenged himself. And when the Lord your God has brought my lord success, remember your servant.” – 1 Samuel 25:28-31

Singles Must Remain in Faith

The above things strengthened David along with his personal seek for the Lord. Everywhere David turned —he’d always inquire of the Lord before going. Much of our faith is stirred by seeking God in prayer. It’s also built by hearing the Word of God from others. David got to the point where he had to build himself up. He’d say things like let this or that happen until I learn what God will do for me. He consistently looked to the Lord.

Just after David had decided to stay in a stronghold while waiting on the Lord—a prophet named Gad spoke to him telling him not to remain in the stronghold but to get to Judah. Judah means praise.

We will be tempted during our holding pattern as singles—to remain in unhealthy places that can become strongholds for us. Things like becoming ungrateful and unappreciative for all of the years God’s sustained us. The lie may even come to our mind as a woman to relax our standards to that of a looser woman because there is always a man available for that type of woman.

Whatever we face during our holding patterns—we can, like David, rely on the Lord, and remain humble and thankful while continuing to walk by faith. It’s during our continually walking out this path God has called us to that we will get to the end, like David.

The wrong attitude and the belief in lies over God’s truths are simply ways of taking God’s promise into our own hands. Sure, David could have taken the promise into his own hands and killed Saul on multiple occasions, but instead, he chose to trust God, and God’s promise occurred correctly in God’s timing. Who knows if David would have survived had he taken things into his own hands?

I know it’s hard because I am in it. I am waiting into my 40s while following the wisdom of God for years and am yet in a holding pattern. One thing that helps me is learning to enjoy the wait in all of the ways that I can. This includes continuing in my purpose as God gives me strength. It’s important not to overdo it in ministry to the point where we do not have a life outside of ministry.

Exploring the things I enjoy̅̅̅—helps such as travel, new restaurants, friends and family relationships, and most importantly the joy of the Lord. This is our strength. If I feel my attitude is shifting in a way not kosher—I’ll seek the Lord about it for his help. He will usually remind me of his word, and show me areas where I am trusting things or people for my needs instead of him.

This trust in the Lord is one thing that helps singles to continue to put ourselves out there meeting others, which is another important piece of being in a holding pattern as a single. The cool people we meet make the holding pattern easier even if it doesn’t lead to marriage with everyone we meet.

Change the Narrative on How You View Singleness over 40

What do you do when you get tired of fighting the same lies over and over again during your singleness journey? You change the narrative. Shift your thinking from what you are experiencing to the things God has been showing you in prayer. You discipline yourself to meditate on the Word of God instead of your experience.

Speak God’s word again and again until you believe it. You build your faith. Faith comes by hearing and hearing the Word of God. What narratives do you come up against periodically or even regularly that you are changing the narrative on? Here are a few that those in extended singleness may encounter.

I’ve gotten too Old and Missed My Chance as One Experiencing Singleness Over 40

It’s hard to get away from the narrative of age. Our generation has been getting married at older ages, yet the median age for a first marriage is still younger than 40. So, for the 40-plus singles, what does the research say? One good thing it says is there are 61% of men looking to date or for a committed relationship between the ages of 30-49 years of age. This means that women in their 40s are still highly sought after. Other research shows getting married later poses a lower divorce risk.

While many of us discount ourselves on the dating market as having missed our time; our time is still fresh and ripe for the correct suitor. We can feel just as beautiful, hopeful, and sought after as when we were younger—just with greater maturity.

That’s right! Older women have bonuses that we bring to the table. I’d like to say humility is one of those benefits and it’s a requirement for a healthy marriage. Marriage is full of learning and compromise. When you get something that you feel at times that you aren’t worthy of for whatever reason—experience, age, or the like—you are more willing to do the work to maintain what you have.

You also develop a greater appreciation for what you have. Often, the too-old thinking is a narrative we’ve made up in our mind to disqualify ourselves as unworthy—when God still says we’re worthy. Heck! The research still says we’re worthy. Why don’t we? We need to be intentional about changing the narrative to God’s truth in this area.

What is God saying about us despite our age? Have we set with God in prayer to find out? Something God has shared with me is he’s opening doors. My best days are ahead of me. I’ve even gotten little nuggets in prayer on how I will recognize my future husband.

In Singleness Over 40 We Must Hope Against Hope

One of the most recent nuggets God gave me is that my husband and I will have an “iron sharpening iron relationship.” This will be one of the ways I will recognize that my husband has arrived. This also personally means a lot to me due to some personal work God has been doing within me in recent years relating to communication and assertiveness. This gives me hope against a circumstance that sometimes appears unhopeful.

Abraham, the father of our faith hoped against all hope—to have a child. He got so into unbelief that he and Sarah attempted to create the miracle on their own. We react like Abraham and Sarah when we allow the wrong narrative to frazzle us. We attempt to do it on our own and fail to rest in God’s promise.

Resting in the Lord Helps in Singleness Over 40

Instead of focusing on the lie that we’re too old; let’s focus on resting in the Lord. Let’s rest in what God has said. Let’s rest in the truth that we are still enough at 40 plus. Girls, put on our pumps and enjoy the ride of life even if our faith may be small due to the tiredness of the wait. All it takes is just a little faith to see God’s promises. Remember the mustard seed and move your mountain.

I’m too Mature to Find a Man Willing to Cover Me

This may sound awkward to some, but when you watch men value women who aren’t that smart you begin to think, well maybe I should hide my brain to some degree. Women are sometimes pushed as objects to make men feel good about themselves. Perhaps, for some men, having a brain is too much. But the right man will appreciate our brain because he will know that he isn’t on his own. He’s truly got some help. Not just in the bedroom, but in life.

We should not view being mature as a disqualifier for us being a wife. If anything, it should be a qualifier. A mature woman naturally requires more. She requires a guy who can have mature conversations with her. He should be able to dig deep and perceive things beyond the surface. This produces a next-level intimacy experience that’s more fulfilling.

Again, it’s a plus. We are tempted to hide who we are and dumb ourselves down to make others feel comfortable with us. The truth is we should be our authentic selves all the more at 40 plus. Those that are too uncomfortable with our maturity simply aren’t for us. It would be a disservice for us to stop growing in an attempt to find a man.

It also speaks to our level of faith. Do we not believe there are mature men out there as well who desire mature women? Everyone has an appropriate counterpart. The immature with the immature. The mature with the mature. Another mature person will respect and honor a person at their core because their understanding of things is greater than one who is immature. The immature devalues things, experiences, and people more because they simply do not understand.

How can someone who is mature change the narrative of seeing maturity as a plus instead of a negative to get a spouse? Hang around more mature men and women. Join a Facebook group with mature singles such as, “Singles Living for Christ.”

 

Things the Church Got Wrong About Biblical Womanhood

It’s so beautiful to be a woman. When God made us in the beginning, he said that we were good. However, the idea of a woman being good is challenged when we do not see ourselves properly due to unhealthy views of womanhood that have come from the church.

Some unhealthy views about Biblical womanhood include the idea that being attractive is sinful or our duty as women is to fulfill the sexual needs of our husbands. Finally, men cannot live holy if women are too attractive or wear the wrong outfit. Or a man’s ability to practice self-control and holiness falls upon the woman’s appearance.

Shaming Women for their beauty is not Biblical Womanhood

Have you ever felt ashamed or dirty because of being accused of being a whore, temptress, or seductress all because someone did not like your outfit? Have you been told you are unworthy to be a wife because you look too attractive as a single woman?

Thus, you must be living a promiscuous life. These are common accusations that attractive women have to deal with not just in the church, but even on social media from religious accusers. Women who feel that other women should not appear too attractive will harass other women in the DMs as a means of control.

Women would do well to have a heart check before approaching other women about their appearance. We have to be careful as believers to realize what has been passed down as tradition and righteousness by man and what God calls righteous according to his Word. Dressing appropriately is subjective. Just because an outfit isn’t something we’d wear doesn’t mean it is sin. It also doesn’t mean the woman wearing it is a seductress, whore, or any other derogatory term. If we are genuinely concerned with the dress of another being inappropriate; that’s an opportunity to check in with a person to see how she is doing.

If a woman is dressing inappropriately, she may have low self-esteem or be feeling desperate for a man. It’s an opportunity to lift her up and not tear her down. A woman should not feel ashamed of being a woman, attractive, or having curves.

This is just a part of human nature. Finally, if a woman is already struggling with how she sees herself, calling her a derogatory term isn’t going to help her to get any better. Even worse, she may decide to run away from God altogether believing she is unworthy. You don’t want to be responsible for running someone away from Christ because you did not like her outfit. Women are more than how they appear.

Secondly, God gives all men who trust in him power over sin. Therefore men’s ability to live holy is not contingent upon every woman he comes into contact with protecting him from all temptation. God made women beautiful. A man is going to notice that. It doesn’t mean he cannot practice self-control. Self-control is one of the fruits of the Holy Spirit being in our lives.

A man has the responsibility just like a woman to work out his soul’s salvation with fear and trembling as the scripture says. This means that our soul—mind, will, and emotions will need to be bought under subjection to the Word of God and the Spirit of God. This is a daily practice that both men and women have to walk in. The more men and women develop in this—the healthier we will become in how we view one another.

Placing the burden of man’s holiness solely on the woman is an impossible weight for all women to bear. It also encourages men in the lie that they cannot control themselves. Self-control is a fruit of the Holy Spirit. This is available to men and women. If men aren’t taught what they have inherited in Christ; how can they walk in it? I’d encourage anyone struggling with lust whether male or female to read Romans 6 about yielding the members of your body to righteousness and true holiness. This is a choice each individual must make.

Another lie is that a woman must always make herself sexually available to her husband or else he has no choice but to cheat on her. There were guest pastors, who came to a church I attended and shared this. As a young woman in the church desiring to practice Biblical womanhood; I was under the impression that we were just supposed to submit to the teaching of the church without question. As I got older; of course, I realized that God gave us a sound mind to question and understand things. Again, I noticed the responsibility for how a man behaved was placed solely upon the woman. There was no talk of the scripture’s command for a husband to dwell with his wife according to knowledge.

The man was not challenged in understanding and getting to know his wife as a whole person. He was not challenged in learning what she needed to be sexually aroused toward him. It was simply taught that sex was a duty the wife had to perform with her husband or else she’d experience the betrayal of cheating. This is wrong. The purpose of Biblical womanhood is not to control a man’s actions by being a sexually available object at all times.

Ephesians 5 is clear that a marriage relationship should be reciprocal. Even the popular, “defraud not one another except with consent” scripture is reciprocal. The consent part implies communication and mutual respect for one another as well. This means the man gets what he needs and the woman gets what she needs. The two learn to serve one another’s needs.

This is a formula for not only amazing sex but an amazing marriage. When a woman has what she needs with her man—she doesn’t need to be told to be sexually available to her husband. She will make plans to be sexually available to her husband because she enjoys being intimate with him just as much.

I’m very thankful that more mature teachers are coming about in the body of Christ to correct some of the unhealthy views that have been taught in the church for many years.

Watch the video below about sex within marriage not being one-sided but for both the man and the woman:

 

Single & Over 40 & Unbothered!

I’m single, over 40, and unbothered. Why is that? Because I know who I am, I’ve found purpose in my experience, processed my pain, and remain hopeful and open to love. We live within several cultures that attempt to label women and shame women for where they are in life. However, as adult women, we have the responsibility to see ourselves properly. Out of the proper view of ourselves will come the daily strength to face each day.

I know who I am and my single status doesn’t devalue my worth by any means. 

I am still a daughter of God, beautiful, healthy, and worthy of love. We have a responsibility to carry ourselves as worthy of love and all that this Christ-centered life has to bring us. I read a book, “The Five Love Languages, Single’s Version” that shared a beautiful principle that what we feel we lack we should sow into others and it will come back to us—due to the Biblical principle that says we reap what we sow. Because I am well aware of my need for love and genuine affection, I sow that into others.

After all, the scripture tells us to love others as we first love ourselves. I’ve faithfully used my single time to prepare myself and develop into a well-rounded loving woman. These things that I’ve sown will come back to me. They come back to me even now in forms of love that aren’t yet romantic. I have interests who would be suitable partners if there was mutual attraction and readiness on both parts. All of these things are reminders that I am on the right path. So, I keep going. When you know who you are; despite what the labels say—you continue with confidence and strength. Because our confidence isn’t rooted in temporary things, but it is rooted in Christ and all of the Biblical principles of wisdom and grace we’ve learned over the years.

So, no. My singleness is not something to be ashamed of at this age. It is something that a qualified man has to attain. When you know who you are; you only entertain the qualified.

I’ve found my purpose within my singleness.

If I had gotten married younger, I would not have had such an impact as I’ve had as a single woman. How ironic that I became an adult during a time when 50% of Americans would be single. Where many would lose hope that a healthy relationship is even possible. Where women would begin to act like men in taking on unnatural sexual prowess just to not be alone. During dark times, the righteous shine as lights. This is us. Women like me who have been single for a long time, but have maintained our character all of these years.

Not only have I maintained my character, but it has grown stronger. God uses my victories in singleness to encourage other singles that they can do it too. They can find joy and purpose in this life as a single woman or man or a married woman or man. Neither is better than the other. It’s just where we are at the time. I’ve been able to share with others through my books, blogs, small groups, and speaking engagements how I’ve been able to navigate singleness successfully. Sometimes people assume that successful singleness means you avoid being single for a long time. However, successful singleness can be maintaining your wholeness, joy, peace, and hope during singleness for a long time.

I’ve processed my pain.

Yes, I have not always felt as confident. I’ve been very vulnerable at times. There is something about getting older and losing those close to you through death. The loss of family and friends that make you feel safe as a single woman—takes away from the sense of security enjoyed when they were alive. I’ve felt a little more alone in the world.

However, this was also an opportunity to band me together more closely with those who are left. It is also an opportunity to grow a little closer in my trust in the Lord. I’ve been astounded at God’s ability to heal me of the unique pain of getting older and losing loved ones as a never-married single woman. I’d hoped to have experienced that type of pain with a closer connection of support. However, life doesn’t always work out the way we hope. Yet, in Christ, we persevere.

We also learn to see painful experiences as opportunities for God to grow and expand us. How are you viewing your singleness at an older age of 40 or above? Do you have a support system around you to help in maintaining a positive outlook. Join my Facebook group, “Singles Living for Christ.” Or, sign up for my email list to learn more information about my upcoming coaching program for Single Christian Women to Walk in Wholeness Who Desire Marriage.

If God is good why does bad stuff happen is a logical question. Those who think logically may assume that those who say God is good are in a special category. Or, that they’ve only experienced good things in their life. The truth is God’s character of goodness, grace, favor, faithfulness, and love isn’t often seen as intimately during the good times.

It’s seen more intimately through the dark and uncomfortable times in our lives. Meaning, yes, we can see God is good when good things are happening. We often take it for granted. However, when bad things are happening, God is closer and more unique in showing his goodness.

We have to be aware and sensitive to see him working beyond our heart-wrenching experiences. People that say God is good and know it for themselves; are people who have walked with God through some things. They’ve learned that God has high standards yet is merciful enough to give us the grace to meet those standards as we grow in him.

This is displayed in the first story of the Bible in the garden of Eden. God gave Adam and Eve a command they did not live up to. God’s response was to make provision for Adam, Eve, and all mankind. Due to sin in the garden, death was introduced to humanity. However, God created a path for us to have everlasting life by sending his son.

God’s Goodness Always Makes Provision for Us

God’s provision was promised shortly after the mishap in the garden when God promised that a seed of the woman would bruise Satan’s head (Genesis 3:15.) This scripture was speaking prophetically of Jesus Christ who came through a woman named Mary.

This same characteristic of God showing provision for mankind is throughout the scriptures. Man’s free will and lack of maturity in various areas get him in trouble over and over again and like a patient father; we see the Lord consistently making provision in his great love toward us:

• Cain, killed his brother Able and God showed him grace by placing a mark on him so that no one would kill him. This is one of the first examples of God showing grace because, under the old covenant, an eye for an eye and tooth for a tooth was the law. Cain should have died for killing his brother but God’s provision of mercy allowed him to live.
•  Abraham and Sarah attempted to fulfill God’s promise on their own by having Abraham sleep with Hagar producing Ishmael. God made provision for Ishmael making a great nation of him as well—and still yet fulfilled his promise through Isaac.
• Hagar was a slave servant in Abraham and Sarah’s house. When she attempted to leave the abuse from her masters; God made provision for her by sending an angel to meet her and instruct her in the wilderness.
• When Joseph was abused by his brothers and sold into slavery; God made provision for Joseph. We know the story. He promoted Joseph to be a ruler and used what was bad in his household for good.
• When Esther’s parents died and she became an orphan; God made provision for her sending her elder cousin Mordecai to raise her and train her to be a future queen.
• When David sinned with Bathsheba and murdered Uriah; God made provision for David to be confronted and corrected. After David humbled himself—God gave him a son, Solomon, to sit on his throne. Later, Jesus Christ would symbolically be called the seed of David carrying on a heavenly kingship for those who trust in him.

God’s Character of Goodness & Great Love Can be Seen in Bad Circumstances

What am I saying? I’m saying just as some of the above stories show negative experiences endured by those who trusted in the Lord. Some, even by their own doing, God’s character of goodness and great love was seen in the middle of it. God worked in each negative experience for those who trusted in him.

Just as God worked for the above who trusted in him. God is at work for those of us who trust in him now. Even through bad circumstances, we can say God is good. Some may have experienced loved ones dying young, overdoses, alcohol poisoning, suicide, murder, sickness, and countless other difficult things.

It doesn’t matter what the hard circumstance is—God’s character of great love toward us causes him to make provision for us and our loved ones in the middle of hardship. God’s character is good. It doesn’t change. It’s always his posture toward us. 

But God demonstrates his love for us in this: While we were still sinners, Christ died for us. – Romans 5:8

 A Hardened Heart is a Natural Result of not Seeing God Properly

A hardened heart toward life and God will make it difficult to trust him. The Bible warns that the cares of this life can cause our hearts to become hardened and choke the seeds of the Word of God that have been planted inside of us. 

This is why it’s so important to have the right perspective of God because it guards against a hardened heart toward him. I believe the Lord is patient with us through our hardness of heart. I believe his consistent character of goodness will draw us into a soft heart again. It’s the goodness of the Lord that ultimately leads to repentance which is a change of mind that leads to a change of direction. 

Or despisest thou the riches of His goodness and forbearance and longsuffering, not knowing that the goodness of God leadeth thee to repentance? – Romans 2:4 

This is also the goodness of the Lord . The Bible says where sin did abound grace much more abounds. This is because of God’s consistent provision of goodness and steadfast love toward us.

Bad things happen because sin entered the world through Adam and Eve.  However, God is good because he’s delivered us from the pain of the suffering in this fallen world by making provision that heals and delivers us from the pain by trusting in Jesus Christ.

This is how God showed his love among us: He sent his one and only Son into the world so that we might live through him. This is love: not that we loved God, but that he loved us and sent his Son as an atoning sacrifice for our sins. – 1 John 4:9-10

The Bible describes a deep depth of God’s love. It goes beyond the surface of how things appear. Pray that God would open your eyes and allow you to see his goodness consistently. He can begin to restore a heart of flesh inside of those who’ve allowed their hearts to become hardened through life.

When we say God is good; We say it because we live it every day.

As believers in Christ, we should never take lightly obedience to God and his Word. It’s so important. We live within a culture that has invaded the church with ideas of unbelief and cynicism. These things make it difficult for one to remain obedient, especially in the dating world.

Because of the increased norm of unmarried millennials, prolonged waiting, and lack of support for many singles many have lost their faith in doing this single thing God’s way. They’ve adopted a lifestyle of disobedience.

Disobedience can be painful in the dating world as doing things outside of God’s way can easily result in painful cycles. Those cycles can produce even more hardships that one would have been able to avoid by doing things God’s way such as unnecessary heartbreak, single-parenthood, STDs, and more.

It’s better to remain obedient even when difficult. Obeying God continuously without yet seeing the desired result is difficult. This is true especially when others who aren’t being obedient seem to have what we desire—genuine love. Even though those who choose not to obey may seem to have genuine love—this isn’t always the case.

Many couples are facing hardships they aren’t sharing such as abuse by a partner, consistent infidelity, feeling as though the relationship is one-sided although married, and more. Believe me. It’s better to obey God and wait on what’s appropriate than to get into a marriage right away that is destined to fail.

I was encouraged by a couple of examples in scripture of obedience during a hard long wait. The result of the wait in both examples led to God’s promise and increased blessing. The long hard wait was the correction and preparation of the heart to handle the promise.

The first example is Abraham in Genesis 22. Abraham exampled peculiar obedience. Meaning, he was able to trust God in a unique way that others may not have been able to. God had promised Abraham a son. He gave him that son—Isaac. However, God asked Abraham in Genesis 22 to offer his son Isaac as a sacrifice to the Lord. Abraham went right along with God’s request standing in strong belief.

Remember, it takes strong belief or faith to continue to obey God through a long, hard, and difficult wait. When the child—Isaac asked, why don’t we have a lamb to sacrifice—Abraham responded by saying, “God will provide.” It was so. God warned him not to harm the child and provided a lamb to sacrifice. Of course, this signified Christ—the lamb of God that was to be slain for our sins.

It also was a test for Abraham to humble him and to show him what was in his heart. It showed Abraham that he was indeed ready to steward the child the Lord had promised him. He not only got the blessing, but he got the blessing with God’s backing. This is how we want to be blessed as single believers.

We want the relationship that our heavenly father is willing to bless. The second example of obedience was found in Deuteronomy 8. Deuteronomy is all about possessing the land or possessing God’s promises. For singles, this could be walking into the new normal of a healthy relationship that leads to marriage. There is a path to getting there. That path is obedience. Deuteronomy starts out stressing the importance of obedience and how it will result in said promised land. However, first, there must be a test.

During the test period, God places us in a position where we experience hunger that only he can fulfill. He exampled this in scripture by providing manna from heaven vs. 3. This is special revelation that comes from God and strengthens us to go on continuing in obedience. The revelation from God addresses whatever it is that we are needing at the time. Manna in vs. 3 means what is it? This means God can address whatever we need and we can trust him.

Finally, vs. 16 of Deuteronomy 8 reinforces God’s purpose in allowing the difficult process of the wait. It is to humble us and prove us to do good toward us in the end. When we are in a difficult part of our journey in waiting on the Lord for a spouse; we can be confident that God is only proving to us whether we are ready or not. Our obedience through the process is a heavy indicator that like Abraham we are ready. We are ready for our next stage in life—marriage and a healthy God-honoring relationship. Let this article encourage you to remain obedient as you will reap if you faint not.

I don’t know if you all have noticed, but many of God’s singles who have been waiting and believing God for a long time are becoming engaged and married. When the time is right—you will too. Stay in faith! Stay in obedience.

The thing about being down and out is it’s normal. It’s something that each human being has to experience. We may not share these details on social media, so when it happens people feel like it’s just them. But it’s not just you. Life happens to us all. It’s not the end. You may feel like you are just here. Just out there. The truth is you are not.

Scripture tells us to count our blessings when our faith is tried (James 1:2-3.) When we’re in it, counting our blessings can feel impossible to do, but it helps because this is where God begins to answer those questions of our hearts in real time. This is when God shows us he’s still with us and he is supporting us while sending others to do the same until we ride our storms out to our rainbows. Below are five blessings that we can hope to experience when we are down and out.

When Down & Out You find out who is really on your side

When we are experiencing depression and thoughts of giving up, this isn’t the time to try to impress others with an image of perfection. You are human and it’s okay. This is the time to be vulnerable letting those who are trustworthy in. This is a time to lean into those who may be stronger than you as you go through your process of trusting in God to take you through safely and to bring you out better. Those who have been through their own experiences and made it out will stand firm with you.

Don’t hide how you are feeling from those who genuinely care. Join the life group, meet the girls for dinner/lunch, or hit the gym even if you don’t feel like it. Get involved in community. You’ll find out that you aren’t the only one going through something difficult.

Seeing others stand through their hardships will help you to stand. Others may even check on you which reminds you that you aren’t alone in this. You have help. God has given you this help through the safety of a healthy community. Your community has its own way of helping you to forget about the struggle for a while providing strength when you are fighting through your challenges on your own.

Your community also reminds you that you are worthy to live the best life when it feels like you aren’t. You get to see who genuinely cares for you when down and out and that should make you feel good.

You learn to depend on God.

We do not want you to be uninformed, brothers and sisters, about the troubles we experienced in the province of Asia. We were under great pressure, far beyond our ability to endure, so that we despaired of life itself. Indeed, we felt we had received the sentence of death. But this happened that we might not rely on ourselves but on God, who raises the dead. 2 Corinthians 1:8-9

Apostle Paul, in scripture, describes going through a type of trouble that felt like death itself. It had gotten to the point where living became what felt like a disparaging and hopeless thing. However, Paul did not stop there in his description. He realized that the pain he’d been through was allowed to cause him to not depend on himself, or the good times of life, but on Christ.

Now and then, life will send us one troubling experience after another. It feels like heavy pressure. Sometimes, in these moments, we don’t know how to move forward. However, these times have a purpose to cause us to rely on God. We can very easily depend on other things during this journey of life without even realizing it.

It’s often when we are reduced to nothing but God that we realize he is genuinely all we need above all of the other things we cling to. Because God can be silent during these periods, we may find it difficult to believe God is with us, but he is. Faith is not a feeling, but proof of what we cannot, feel, touch, or see just yet. If we hold on long enough standing firm on God’s word, we will be able to see God working in the middle of our circumstances.

I remember, during my most recent season of being down and out, I could not go to sleep for hours. I was so anxious about my future and things remaining the same as they had been. I did not know if I could survive without a change. I thought of the scripture be anxious for nothing but in all things with prayer and supplication let your request be made known unto the Lord.

I said, “Lord you said not to be anxious, but to pray. Can you help me with this?” I immediately began to hear a song playing in my spirit. It was “Do It Again” by Elevation worship. I pulled up the song on YouTube and listened to it. I cried as it felt as if God was speaking directly to me through the lyrics of the song. I immediately went to sleep after the song went off. That is a permanent reminder in my history now that God is with me. He sees and he acts. He is dependable.

You realize how resilient you can be

After a while, you’ll begin to get stronger. The things you did not have the energy to do before you’ll have the energy to do as you continue to move forward in faith. You’ll begin to reestablish hope for the future as your strength increases not only realizing by faith that this isn’t the end but experiencing it with your senses. You will have taken the blow and overcome it. We are overcomers in Christ. This is what differentiates us from the world. In Christ, we always have hope because God causes us to triumph in all things (2 Corinthians 2:14.) To triumph in all things, we have to go through some things to triumph over and through.

An ability to correct as you heal.

This is an opportunity for you to press pause on over commitments and things that may be distracting you from hearing Christ. As you re-shift your focus on seeking the Lord, you will notice his healing from the pain and hurt of the season. God often does surgery on our hearts during hardship and it hurts. However, needful corrections are made within us and the healing process begins. We are then better prepared for everything God intends to use the harmful season to bring about in our lives.

God doesn’t waste anything. He doesn’t cause the harmful season, but he promises to use it for our good as he uses all things to work for the good of those who love him and are called according to his purpose. Many harmful seasons are just the natural patterns of life that will happen to us all. God uses these things to make us strong. If we have begun to see things incorrectly in any area, God will correct us.

You eventually find clarity and greater direction

Now, here’s the really good part. Your vision gets clearer. It’s not so hard to get through each day. It’s clear and easy to see the work that’s been done inside. The healing has taken place, our passions begin to return with the strength to pursue them. Hopefully, in this clarity, we experience God’s direction that leads us to a new place in him. We can go on to strengthen others as the scripture says we are to do when we overcome. No matter what part of this process you are in when experiencing the hardness of life—know that you will eventually get to this part where things are much better and you make it out of the fog of depression and the hardness of life.

God Wants Us to Remain Sober When in Pain

Be alert and of a sober mind. Your enemy the devil prowls around like a roaring lion looking for someone to devour. Resist him, standing firm in the faith, because you know that the family of believers throughout the world are undergoing the same kind of suffering. – 1 Peter 5:8-9

Have you ever been in such a painful place that you felt almost desperate to be out of that place? Sometimes pain, in and of itself, can make us think un-sobering thoughts. Thoughts, that we’d never think of if in a better place. That’s when we have to remember that our pain is momentary. It will not last forever. However, if we aren’t careful, we can make a decision that has lasting consequences.

This is why in the above scripture; God warns us to be sober and alert. Satan, our adversary is looking for an opportunity to devour us which means to destroy us. We should not aid Satan in his quest to destroy us. Instead, we should resist him.

Pain is necessary because it is a form of weakness. God already promises us that weakness is where we are guaranteed to see God’s power show up (2 Corinthians 12:9.) This means God’s got our back in pain. We will be tempted to return to vices during painful moments because of the immediate relief. We sometimes judge God not to be there with us because God often gives us the strength to endure rather than taking us out of our pain immediately. Enduring through the pain with God allows us to see his power at work sustaining us.

When tempted to return to vices for relief; we do not have to give in because God will help us through the pain. Instead of turning to a vice; turn to God and ask him to give you grace and strength to overcome regardless of the pain. God’s grace is his supernatural strength to overcome. It’s an empowerment of God’s Holy Spirit much like salvation. Salvation isn’t accomplished by our strength but by the power of God—so is overcoming sin.

So, he said to me, “This is the word of the LORD to Zerubbabel: ‘Not by might nor by power, but by my Spirit,’ says the LORD Almighty. – Zechariah 4:6

God allows us to be stretched by our pain. It isn’t a bad thing. Our endurance increases allowing us to persevere. It also allows us to see our humanity and need to rest refreshing ourselves with stillness. We become even more humble in the process. Our humility precedes God’s favor (1 Peter 5:5-6.) This process of painful discomfort often occurs before God’s shift so we cannot give up. We will need to go through submitting to God’s process to experience the shift God has for us.

When we disobey God in the process of seeking out sin to numb our pain; we can delay the destination God has for us. King David was resting from war when he fell into a vice of his with a woman named Bathsheba.

King David was a man of war. So much so, that the temple he wanted to build for God in his heart was delayed for his son to build instead. He’d had too much blood on his hands from constant war. When we read of David’s indiscretion with Bathsheba—this took place during a time of rest.

He’d decided to rest from warring, which was his right. You may have heard people say that David fell into sin because he should have been at war. I beg to defer. David fell into sin because he chose to sin.

Sometimes, God calls us to rest. Especially when we’ve been overwhelmed with life. However, our flesh will cause us to say to ourselves—we deserve sin or something as a reward because we’ve done so much work. Instead of waiting for God to bring us out and promote us, we attempt to promote ourselves with whatever opportunity appears to present itself.

David sinned by sleeping with a married woman―Bathsheba. He went on to murder her husband and have a child with her. This sin set David up for future consequences that he had to endure. If we aren’t willing to endure the discomfort of waiting on the Lord’s deliverance in pain or discomfort now—we will later have to endure waiting on the Lord’s deliverance from pain and discomfort later while enduring the consequences of our actions.

Judgment was pronounced on King David as he was corrected by the prophet Nathan. Later in life, David is in the thick of things again as he lived out the consequences of his actions (2 Samuel 12:11.) This is where he learned to submit to the process of trusting God during discomfort and pain.

We see his willingness to endure the discomfort of a man cursing him while he has been forced from his kingdom by his son Absalom to run and hide for safety. He learned that it is important to rely on the Lord and endure seeing what the end will be. He also learned not to be selfish considering his son above himself—even though his son was against him.

Then Abishai son of Zeruiah said to the king, “Why should this dead dog curse my lord the king? Let me go over and cut off his head.”

But the king said, “What does this have to do with you, you sons of Zeruiah? If he is cursing because the Lord said to him, ‘Curse David,’ who can ask, ‘Why do you do this?’”

David then said to Abishai and all his officials, “My son, my own flesh and blood, is trying to kill me. How much more, then, this Benjamite! Leave him alone; let him curse, for the Lord has told him to. It may be that the Lord will look upon my misery and restore to me his covenant blessing instead of his curse today.”

So, David and his men continued along the road while Shimei was going along the hillside opposite him, cursing as he went and throwing stones at him and showering him with dirt. – 2 Samuel 16:9-13

Of course, in the end, God delivered him, and his kingdom was restored in peace. God will do the same for us if we remain sober while in pain and discomfort. Remember we do not have to choose sin or vices as an immediate escape from the pain. We can simply depend on the Lord asking him for his grace and supernatural strength to overcome the urge to sin as an escape.

There is a time and season to every purpose under the son including a time of discomfort and pain to produce God’s greater purpose within us. We should, like David, learn to submit to it waiting for the Lord to deliver. During, the wait, God’s given us tools we can use. Tools like prayer, godly community, his Word, rest, and counselors or therapists.

Sometimes we just need to walk alongside someone else to receive strength. If it requires rest and lightening up our plate—we should do those things instead of yielding to sin. We should follow the wisdom of the wise and God’s word to lighten our weight. See Ephesians 6 for a reminder of what to do when under pressure or a spiritual, mental, or emotional attack. We are called to be strong in the Lord—depending on the Lord and the power of his might.

We are commanded to use the tools in Ephesians 6:10-18 to stand when we cannot do anything else. With God’s tools, we can stand. God will lighten our load and provide clarity to us on how to proceed forward within his timing. We simply have to hold his promises close to our hearts remaining sober. God has a way out of the pain we face.

Come unto me, all ye that labor and are heavy laden, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you and learn of me; for I am meek and lowly in heart: and ye shall find rest unto your souls. – Matthew 11:28-29

 

There has been a lot of chatter about the whole Will Smith slapping Chris Rock all week at the Oscar. One consistent theme is viewing Will Smith’s response to that of protecting Black women. I disagree with this interpretation and here is why.
In real life, a man resulting to violence to protect a woman over something that was only said in jest isn’t enough reason to result in violence. Further, violence always escalates a situation. Many times, that escalation ends in death. Homicide is the fourth leading cause of death in Black men according to the CDC.

Many instances of homicide between Black men due to altercations leading to death can be avoided by practicing self-control, good judgment, and humility. These are the characteristics we saw displayed in Chris Rock, who did not further escalate the ordeal. Instead, he continued doing his job and decided not to press charges against Will Smith. Between the two men, if this had been on the street, Chris’ actions would have been more reflective of protecting Black women as he would have ended up staying alive.

Protecting Black women is staying alive enough to love and support us. It’s also staying out of jail enough to love and support us. It’s being present and valuing the family God’s given you. I remember years ago. I’d come home to see a new person in my neighbor’s yard. I mentioned it to my dad, who went outside to greet the gentleman saying hello and introducing himself.
The neighbor wasn’t very friendly, and my dad felt his response was disrespectful to him.

He stormed into the house going upstairs and I heard him unlocking a box. I believe he may have had his gun in that box. He rushed toward the door saying the gentleman had been disrespectful toward him. I ran out in front of him putting all locks on the door and blocking the door with my body. I would not let my dad outside. My dad said, “Get out the way.” I said no, it’s not worth it. He ran to the other door. I blocked that door doing the same thing. At the same time, I yelled to my mom and brother to call the police.

They called the police. They said what do we tell them? I said to tell them we need their help to resolve a neighborly dispute. The police came. I knew this would de-escalate the situation as no one is foolish enough to do something crazy in front of the police. They talked to the gentleman and my dad and it was resolved. Later, my dad said I was right. It was not worth it.

Our men, like my dad and Will Smith, are strong, smart, courageous, caring, loving, and protective. However, through one decision, all of that can be thrown away. Once, someone is dead, there is no coming back from that. That’s why God created women to be present with men as our very essence helps them.

We cover them by de-escalating situations through the wisdom of God. My favorite author Lisa Bevere shares in the video below how women have been given the charge of protecting the heart:

This is also reflective of the fact that women were taken from Adam’s rib and made. The ribcage’s job is to protect vital organs that are essential to life such as the heart.
This is why the Bible says a prudent wife comes from the Lord. Further, when men are married being connected to a wise rib stats share that they live longer. Our role as women isn’t to sacrifice our men to bravado or to parade their ego for us on behalf of our honor. It’s to help them to think sober and come to themselves when moments of bravado come over them.In those moments, we remind them of their value and worth as men to us. Their value and their worth as men are worth more than the moment of bravado. Many men get the wrong image from society that acting immediately out of emotions fighting or shooting is manhood. It is not.

Manhood is not proven in fighting or shooting another person. It’s shown in maturity and taking on responsibilities that not only protect himself, but his wife, sisters, brothers, fathers, and sons.

If you ask me who protected Black women on that Oscar stage, I’d have to say, Chris Rock. It takes a unique strength, humility, and grace to take a hit and not punch back. It also speaks volumes of love and value toward his brother in humanity Will Smith.

It says, hey, I see you and I value you. I’m going to give you the space to heal and do what you have to do. This is how God calls us to respond to our brothers and sisters who offend us. Not only would Chris return to his family in real life after such an altercation, but Will would too due to his brother’s grace. This is what we need more of—grace for one another when we slip up in our humanity.

We aren’t throwing Will Smith away because of his response either. He’s still precious and still valuable as a man. We still love him and pray for him. I believe we should pray for him even more as there will be consequences. His decision has him in a position of humility while Chris is being promoted.

His ticket sales are increasing after this incident. This is how things work in the kingdom of God. Humility precedes promotion. Chris had a low moment of being slapped on a national stage and not responding violently. He is now being promoted. Will is in a moment of humility now as the world discusses his decision and the academy is reviewing ideas of corrective action.
Let’s pray that God will get everything he desires out of this experience to produce his will in the future for Will and his entire family. Let’s pray that the more positive and balanced voices of the chatter would be louder than the foolish ones so that others will learn and more lives of our precious men and women would be preserved. Let’s also pray for Chris’ strength as he processes the entire situation.