Have you ever heard someone speaking so confidently about something they’ve never experienced as if what they are sharing is the ultimate authority on the matter? Yet, what they are sharing doesn’t add up. I have regarding various conversations about Christian singles. These convos are often from people in relationships, married, men speaking on women and vice versa. It’s about time some light is bought to some of these myths by those who walk in the actual experience of being a Christian single woman or man.

Christian Single Women are Constantly Being Pursued by Christian Men

This is such a dumb myth that I’ve found many Christian men believe. They feel like Christian women are under constant pursuit by godly men and Christian women are just passing each one up. Many Christian men cannot understand how such beautiful Christian women can remain single for an extended period. This is where women are accused of being too picky, having too high standards, looking for perfection, and being prideful.

Pressure is then applied toward these single women forcing them to go out and date and try to make a relationship work with a man as long as he is a Christian. This strange myth does not take into account that you can be unequally yoked to a believer. It isn’t just unwise to be unequally yoked with an unbeliever, but it’s not wise to be unequally yoked to someone who believes in Christ but lacks the faith and maturity in Christ to sustain a healthy marriage. Even the Bible says to turn away from those with a form of godliness but deny the power thereof (2 Tim 3:5.)

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Yes, there are believing men out here who may attempt to pursue a Christian woman and his faith has stopped at believing in Christ as fire insurance for hell. However, there is no intimacy with God, trust in God nor submission to the leading of the Spirit of God. Any mature Christian woman will not subject herself to that as a wife because she will have to submit to that.

She will also have to be responsible for making up the slack where the man is lacking. Many mature single Christian women refuse to play the role of a male and a female at the same time. We want to walk in our femininity. Thus, a mature Christian woman should pass up on a relationship with an unready man Christian or not.

Not passing up these types of scenarios often lead to Jezebel and Ahab type of relationships where the roles are reversed and the woman becomes like the man and the man like the woman in the relationship. This is not God’s best for his people. This in no way requires the couple to be on the same level of maturity. There is no requirement in the Bible for that. However, it’s just wisdom to at a minimum have someone with the humility, willingness, and hunger for God enough to grow. This should be demonstrated through some sort of consistent actions. We should be discerning enough to determine if someone is seriously pursuing growth in Christ or not.

Finally, Christian single women are not approached by Christian men very often. This just isn’t realistic. If she is dating with the purpose of marriage; why should she just continue to date men who she knows are not walking in the same direction as she? Instead of continuing to date a non-believer; many single Christian women continue to wait to be approached by a godly man. This is the reality. No imaginary godly men are chasing us down regularly. If that were the case; many of us who desire marriage would already be married. There would be plenty of men to choose from. However, just like it is difficult to find a virtuous woman; it’s also difficult to find a faithful man.

Christian Singles Have More Time on Their Hands

It depends on what type of single person is being spoken of. If we’re speaking of a teenager, living at home with limited responsibilities perhaps. However, this isn’t the gamut of all Christian singles. There are many older Christian singles in the elder age range within the Millennial generation, some Gen X and others who have the responsibility of working a 9-5, running a household, taking care of elder parent(s), running a business or two, and taking care of themselves. The difference between a married household and a single household is that there are two people devoted to the goals of the household whereas with singles there is only one person responsible for many of the same things that married people are responsible for. Thus, if one person is taking on similar responsibility to a married household especially if they have children or elders to look after; they may not have the extra time on their hands for everyone else’s goal being dropped into their hands.

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This is why I encourage singles to live a balanced life. There will be seasons where we may be able to give more if our responsibilities are reduced, but there will also be seasons where we will have to say no to giving more so we can take care of our responsibilities and still find time to rest and rejuvenate ourselves to complete our responsibilities on an ongoing basis.

Please, don’t believe the lie that just because a person is single s/he has the time for projects and volunteer opportunities that do not belong to them. Please, consider asking a single person how they are doing? How is their schedule? Are they taking the necessary steps for proper self-care? Because singles may deal with loneliness more and desire close connection; singles may be more prone to overcommitting to things and activities at church and elsewhere just to have that connection. Please, be cautious of this single, and if you aren’t single and you notice this about a single; sit that single down letting him/her know that it’s okay to take care of him/herself.

Singles Experiencing Extended Singleness are Doing So Because They’ve Done Something Wrong

We are living in a cultural norm where there are 59% of Millennials single having never been married. As Millennials because of our ease in not committing to marriage so soon; we’ve been given accolades for decreasing the divorce rate not because we have been married for years, but because many of us are waiting to get married later in life.

There has been research for years showing that getting married later in life decreases the likelihood of divorce for obvious reasons such as greater maturity, greater financial stability, and greater personal development all contributing to the likelihood of staying together and selecting someone who compliments who we’ve become easier than in our teens or early twenties.

Only recently, a new study shows that getting married after the early 30s may increase the likelihood of divorce, but even the percentage of the increased likelihood of divorce is still lower than the teenage or twenty-something years. Thus, there is a benefit to marrying later. See the study by Institute for Family Studies.

Notice the factors that led to a greater likelihood of staying together had nothing to do with fear, pressure to marry soon, marriage because someone is pregnant, or marriage only because we’re getting older and the clock is ticking. That shows that when we make decisions for marriage out of stability; we have a greater chance at sticking it out together with our spouse. Thus, we cannot adopt the myth that we are single at an older age because there is something wrong with us. Instead, we should take advantage of the extended singleness to better become acquainted with ourselves, to grow in personal development, and to pursue the dreams God has placed on our hearts. Perhaps, God gave us a gift of singleness to accomplish something we would not have been able to accomplish as married women and men. Keep your mind positive and in alignment with what God says about you as someone experiencing extended singleness.

Recount the fact that God has been good to you protecting you from many things you’ve noticed your peers go through. You may not have a spouse and children of your own, but you also do not have a baby-father or baby-mother issues, an STD or emotional soul-ties that keep you stuck in unproductive and toxic relationships distracting you from the bright future God has for you. So, instead of believing the myth that as a single person you are single because you’re doing something wrong; be thankful that by God’s grace and favor you are doing something right. Read a similar article covered earlier in the blog The Labels That Singles Wear.

Moving in Silence While Dating

Moving in silence while dating can be wisdom. This doesn’t mean blocking out your total community regarding the fact that you are dating or who you are dating. It means not giving too much too soon, not posting the new dating relationship on social media before it’s had time to mature into something substantial, and not sharing it with family members who are anxious for you to meet someone and who will continue to ask you about the dating relationship after it’s over if it doesn’t work out.

Moving in Silence While Dating is a Part of Guarding Your Heart

The Bible warns us to guard our hearts with all diligence for out of it are the issues of life. This means we do not want to so readily or easily let our new dating love into our hearts and thus we can do so by not sharing our new dating relationship with everyone. We don’t know the person we have just started to date. We need time alone with them to get to know them to see if we even want them to maintain a regular place in our lives. It takes energy to date.

We have to get dressed up, be of sober mind, ask open-ended questions and simply enjoy ourselves. It’s much easier to do that when we don’t have to explain to our entire family who the new person is and how it’s going. It’s okay to let maybe one or two people know for accountability and safety, but these people should be just as sober and not applying pressure to you to try to make things work out. A date is just that—a date. It isn’t a full-on relationship. It’s getting to know someone. We want to maintain that mindset while dating with no additional pressure.

Posting on Social Media While Dating

I know. For the ladies, I know it’s so few and far in between that we have someone to pursue us seriously, so we may be super excited to share with the world that we are finally dating. However, again we are just dating. Dating means gathering data. We are gathering data to determine if the person is a good fit for us. If he isn’t then we have to update our social media status again and possibly take pics down that remind us of the good moments.

It creates unnecessary pain when it’s time to let go of what was not for us. Not to mention, the having to explain to friends on our friend’s list why we are no longer dating our potential suitor. Let’s just move in silence while dating so we can save our social media posts for the dating relationship that turns out to be the genuine life-long and committed relationship that we are looking for.

One Day it’s Going to Happen

While dating is something that we do to get to know others and it can be disheartening when it doesn’t work out; we have to keep in mind that one day it is going to happen. One day we will meet someone who meets our standards. We will mesh well with our future lover and walk off into our happily ever after. Moving in silence while dating is something that helps us to maintain that hope. Once we’ve met the person and we are sure that this is leading toward marriage; we can then begin to share some things on social media showing the world we are no longer available on the dating market. To read about how dating should look for Christian singles click here.

Many believers are afraid to date because they aren’t sure what healthy dating for Christian singles looks like. They’ve seen those who have abused dating to satisfy the most recent sexual urge or the serial dater who never commits to truly get to know someone, but goes from one person to the next with no real plan. Then some are genuinely looking for a spouse but may lack the tools to date in a healthy way and they simply repeat the same mistakes again and again. Below I will share some tools to know what it is like to date in a healthy way.

Healthy Dating Looks like Friendship in the Beginning
When we watch a movie the love interests date and end up in a romantic emotional and physical relationship almost immediately. This has been naturally programmed into many of our minds that if a connection is to be genuine and real it must progress quickly. This is not true. It takes time to get to know someone and to build trust. It’s okay to take a relationship slower than the norm. It’s wisdom to avoid trying to manufacture a strong emotional, physical, or romantic tie in the beginning because that is not what keeps the relationship going. What will keep the relationship going is two people who are on one accord going in the same direction and choosing to do it together. We have to get to know someone.

Does this person have similar values? What are the red, green, and yellow flags? Is the person we are dating willing to grow and address the red and yellow flags? What is their character like? Does this person listen to you and others who offer genuine and sound wisdom or are they so headstrong that they only value their opinion? It’s amazing how wide our eyes are open to truly discern another person and where they are going in life when we don’t just focus on the romantic, physical, or emotional.

You’ll find that if the person matches you well and is willing to grow showing fruit; then, the romantic, physical, and romantic desires will grow anyway and they do not have to be forced. Don’t give up on a potential relationship because the romantic, physical, and emotional ties aren’t the strongest in the beginning. This also helps you to guard your heart so if it doesn’t work out you’re not as distraught. You may not end up distraught at all because you can find out closer to the beginning of the dating relationship if you and he will agree to move forward to pursue something that will be more than friends. See Amos 3:3 – How can two walk together except they are agreed.

Healthy Dating Looks like Practicing Self-Control
There should be a physical attraction to the person you choose to date and, in the beginning, you may feel a very strong sexual urge. That’s okay. It’s normal to be physically attracted to someone you find fine. You just have to make sure you maintain self-control. That means if when you go to bed at night your hormones are barking and you cannot stop thinking about being with them sexually to the point where you feel as though you have to act it out; you need to get some self-control. If you had self-control before you begin dating this new person; it will be easier for you to regain your self-control in this situation. If you did not have self-control before dating this person and you were hooking up with others to meet your sexual desires you may need to step away from dating and focus solely on gaining self-control before dating.

Communicate effectively with the new potential and let them know you need to step away to work on some things. A couple of tips for the previously self-controlled person who is just experiencing normal temptation. It may help to reframe the way you see the potential you are dating. When you want to fantasize about being sexually involved with your new potential; retrain your brain to think of him as your brother in the Lord. If you put him in the category of your brother; it will be less likely that you will think of him sexually. At the appropriate time in the future as things progress you can think of him as more, but now in the beginning he is your brother in the Lord and you are focusing on gathering data to get to know him, not getting out all of your sexual frustrations from all of the years. There will be a time for that just not now.

Also, set aside a day to fast and pray and seek the Lord about these newly elevated sexual desires. Invite God into the conversation regarding wanting to freak this new man and wanting to date him. Ask the Lord to give you grace which is the power and strength to honor God in the dating relationship. For the one who has never practiced self-control and it’s foreign to you; get with others in a healthy community who have had similar struggles and overcome them. Find older men and women to share your struggles with who can help you to walk the path of self-control and learning to depend on God in the area of sexual purity.

Healthy Dating Looks like Asking Lots of Questions and Much Communication
If you are coming to the table whole—meaning you aren’t seeking for the relationship to make you whole, but you’ve found your wholeness in Christ and you are at rest in your spirit in how you see yourself and value yourself seeing and valuing yourself as God sees you you’ve met a major prerequisite for being in a healthy relationship. You simply need to be familiar with your personal values and characteristics and you need to choose someone who aligns well with that.

You also will need to be well aware of your purpose for your life—your vision. Where are you going? What are your personal preferences in a partner? How important to you is each preference. If the partner had all of your value characteristics and a complimentary purpose; would you be willing to budge on one preference or two? What are your non-negotiables? I have a free template as part of my free training, “Top 3 Dating Fears” where someone can list all of these things on one form so you will have a picture of what you are looking for while you are dating. Once, you have this you’ll know the right questions to ask a potential while dating. Many people ask me what should they ask and I share that you need to simply be yourself. Also, listen well during your communication with this other person, observe body language and other actions. You can formulate more questions based on the other person’s responses and the flags that come up from what they share.

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As the potential reveals more about himself; you should be noting more questions that you need to ask to clarify where that person is. You may notice red flags, yellow flags, and green flags. Red means stop and address something, yellow means slow down and address something, and green means to move forward. I also have a form for tracking these as part of my training as well. I’ll also share some examples of this during the training. Ultimately, before you move to the next level of your dating relationship to a more serious dating relationship; you want to make sure you are on the same page by addressing and asking the right questions. Be natural with your questions. Just be yourself. Be humble and careful to honor and respect the other person in your question asking. It isn’t an interrogation, but an enjoyable experience of exploring another beautiful person who mutually respects you and you him.

Healthy Dating Looks like Mutual Respect, Safety, and Digging Deeper to Build Something Solid
Never date someone you do not feel safe with. If you do not feel safe in the person’s approach in initially connecting with you; leave it alone. Pay attention to the Holy Spirit’s leading. Ask questions before providing your number to find out what the person’s value system is. I like to use a question during meeting guys out in public asking the gentlemen what is most important to him. This question allows me to see what his values are right off the bat. If it’s far out and not in alignment with what I am comfortable with; I can pass on providing my number. Each answer to the initial question of importance usually leads to more questions. See the free handout for example at the link: “One Question to Ask a Potential Free Download.” If I feel the values reasonably align; I may provide my number for further conversation. That’s when I talk to him once or twice before agreeing to go on a date to ensure he is of some sort of stable and safe mindset where I am not putting myself at risk with someone unstable. At this point, we can begin the process of dating with the wisdom of God and the wisdom shared above. I hope this helps with your dating life. Don’t be afraid to date; just date with wisdom and healthy boundaries, plus vision. Consider signing up for my free live webinar via Zoom Top 3 Dating fears at this link: Click here to register for the free webinar.

Walking in wholeness allows certain freedom that allows us to be vulnerable and to take risks. It’s necessary to take a risk for those who desire to be in a God-honoring relationship. Someone at some point has to let the other know s/he is interested in the other person. At which point, the other party will either agree or disagree to begin a process of getting to know one another.

Wholeness is a word for holistic health—meaning balance mentally, physically, emotionally, socially, and most importantly spiritually. The facets of wholeness begin and end with our intimate relationship with Christ. God’s word is not limited to only spiritual matters but deals with the whole man.

From God’s word we learn to have balanced financial habits, we learn the ins and outs about disappointment, hope, managing anger, and our emotions, how to make and maintain friends and relationships and so much more. Many of the disciplines that man studies such as psychology, sociology, health, and nutrition, the Word of God has something to say about it.

Fear is something that would hold us back from being vulnerable. We may fear rejection. However, if we’ve experienced any disappointments in life; we know that we can bounce back from disappointment. If we have a solid foundation of how we see ourselves and how we see God; it becomes all the more easier to bounce back. Seeing ourselves the way God sees us allows us to maintain a healthy view of ourselves whether we are rejected when making ourselves vulnerable or not.

What if we take the risk and the other person eventually agrees to begin a process of dating? We will never know if we are too afraid to take the risk. To be vulnerable means to open ourselves up to be wounded. It normally shows a level of trust for us to take that risk. We may trust that if we are wounded God can and will heal us. We may also trust that the person we are opening ourselves up to isn’t a harsh person who would be rude if we show ourselves vulnerable.

A person who walks in wholeness may feel disappointed if rejected. That’s human nature and s/he should feel the rejection. It’s a normal part of life that we all go through. However, the person who no longer believes s/he is worthy of love because someone turned them down is imbalanced and not walking in wholeness. Wholeness is a balanced and holistic view of one’s self and God. Remember the whole person views his/herself the way God views him/her. This means anything the Word of God has said of that person is true and anything contrary is a lie and must be dismissed according to 2 Corinthians 10:5.

We demolish arguments and every pretension that sets itself up against the knowledge of God, and we take captive every thought to make it obedient to Christ. – 2 Corinthians 10:5

Those that are too afraid because they have not mastered seeing themselves how God sees them in his Word will continue to experience the frustration of staying in the same place because they are too afraid to trust, be vulnerable and take the risk. I don’t advise someone forcing their way out there to try to begin a relationship with someone if they do not see themselves properly. It will place an unnecessarily heavy burden on the relationship before it begins.

Do the necessary work while single of working through those insecurities that cause negative self-talk, unbelief, and crippling fear. Ask the Lord to teach you to embrace yourself and your value as He sees you and not from the view of your insecurities. The freedom that comes from doing the work will be worth it. Once ready, you’ll find yourself willing to take more risks in faith that someone is for you if this is a promise God’s given you. If it isn’t the current person of interest, it will be someone else and you’ll rest assured of this because you’ve embraced God’s perspective for you over your own.

The Pandemic has opened the door to more online connections all across the world. Many singles have faced isolation in not being able to go out as much, but that doesn’t mean that they cannot meet new people and make new connections. I’ll share ideas below that offer online solutions for our new normal.

T.D. Jakes Millennial Mondays
I was blessed to stumble upon T.D. Jake’s Millennial Ministry on a Sunday where I scoured YouTube looking for another ministry to stream. I saw T.D. Jakes Ministry popup on my timeline and just in time caught the announcement of Millennial Mondays. It’s an online Zoom meeting where Millennials can talk to others led by a pastor on T.D. Jake’s staff called Pastor V. I visited this group for the first time this past Monday and I have to say it was excellent. It was a safe space for Millennials to open up, share, and receive ministry if necessary. There was a young lady at the end who needed some encouragement and many provided encouraging words and even offered to provide her money via Cashapp. T.D. Jakes will be on the live zoom on December 14th. To participate in this online event text Gen Now to the number 28950.

Why So Single
Why So Single is a monthly live Zoom event for Christian Singles to discuss all things about the single life. They host special guest panelists and everyone gets to share at some point in the event. This event isn’t always the same. Each new panelist brings something unique to the table each time and you never know who you may meet while participating in this event. To attend the next Why So Single event; you’ll have to register at the Eventbrite link. You’ll then be added to the email mailing list for future Why So Single Events. They are having a holiday mixer event on December 19th with an ugly sweater contest and more. Visit link here: Why So Single? Singles Holiday Mixer Tickets, Sat, Dec 19, 2020 at 2:00 PM | Eventbrite

Search Events on Eventbrite
Speaking of Eventbrite, I’d accidentally come across all types of online Christian single’s meetups across the globe. If you like meeting new people and have some free time, search Virtual Christian Single’s events on Eventbrite and join some of the cool events. They even have virtual speed dating events that come up for Christians. Here is a link that I found that you can check out: Online Christian Singles Virtual Events | Eventbrite

Subscribe to Intercession for A Generation’s Mailing List
I do plan on hosting some online events next year and am building up my mailing list right now while working on some things behind the scenes. If you would like to participate in future online events with this blog and me add your email to our list at this link: Giveaways (russelynwilliams.com) You’ll receive a free wholeness pack when you subscribe.

Take a Vacation to a New Place
If there is a state that is open and has some activities you’d like to participate in; then take advantage of the low airfares and book a trip. I use the Google flights tool to search all airlines for the lowest prices. This year all of my travel had been canceled so my vacation budget has just been sitting there. I listen to an out-of-state podcast every week and the state where the podcast is hosted is open. The host is always talking about how everything is open with necessary precautions of course. I checked it out online and booked the trip. I’ll be leaving soon and hopefully, I’ll meet and build connections with more cool people.

Just because there is a pandemic doesn’t mean we have to be isolated. Use precautions and wisdom and connect online or in a safe environment that minimizes risk. Wear your mask and clean your hands often when doing so. An N-95 mask is the best. If you plan to travel, I recommend wearing the N-95 mask if you can find one online.

Recently, Erica Campbell shared on her Instagram and also explained more in detail on a radio show her statement below. See the quote of what she said at her Instagram link here: https://www.instagram.com/p/CHjNju1lUzS/?utm_source=ig_web_copy_link

I understand where Erica Campbell is coming from as she encourages singles to shift their thinking from loose sexual character to that of purity in preparation for marriage. There has to be a mature mindset to take on marriage especially if we will do so successfully, but it could easily be derived from her statement that those who practice the opposite of waiting until marriage for sex will not get married and that’s simply not true. Deciding to wait until marriage to have sex can and often does leave singles single longer.

It is true, that if we want God’s best for our future marriages that we will have to like Erica said, begin practicing obedience to God in the area of sexual purity among other areas. This also applies to virgins who have sex in their mind and have not had sex with their bodies. However, there has to be a greater expectation of remaining abstinent than to simply get married because getting married can come easier through compromise.

Simply put more people are willing to compromise sexually than to hold up a standard so there are more opportunities for people to choose from as a spouse when doing it the world’s way. I’m sharing this from experience as someone who is a 37-year-old virgin, who believes in honoring God with my body and actions. I’ve had more serious pursuits from men who do not believe the same as me with remaining abstinent until marriage and setting boundaries to do so than those who do believe the same. I had to make a choice of whether I wanted marriage or to please God.

Does the Church create a false expectation that abstaining from sex before marriage guarantees a marriage? I am 110% for doing things God’s way which is what the Bible teaches for us to wait until marriage to have sex. Anyone who follows my platform knows that I rep waiting 110%. However, I feel like the church has to be careful in how we communicate expectations for doing things God’s way and doing them the world’s way.

Many of my single sisters waiting to have sex after marriage are alone. They aren’t alone because they are loose in their sexual character. They are alone because they decided to wait. We have to begin telling the truth to young women that in many cases deciding to wait until marriage may mean that we are single longer because many men do not want a woman who has decided to wait until marriage for sex.

Many women who make the choice to obey God in this manner face rejection over and over again from men. Because of this, many women struggle with accepting themselves. They’re faced with the question of should I compromise to get married or should I continue to trust and obey God even if that means being alone a little longer.

I’ve met so many good guys who were looking for a wife, but the only thing that held them back was the fact that I, as a single woman, have boundaries so that I can continue to honor God with my body. Some of the good men interpreted my commitment to my healthy boundaries as a lack of trust in them. This was the case because their goal was not to honor God but themselves.

If we teach women to only value and prioritize marriage as the reason to wait; then women may begin making choices that aren’t honorable to God just to get married. We see it all the time. I can count so many women on my fingers who are married because they decided to compromise sexually before marriage.

I can also count on my fingers without using them all―the number of women I’m familiar with who became married after not having sex at all. The reality is a woman or man can get married while previously being a whore or sowing h*e seeds. The marriage may be more challenging in some areas due to the lack of discipline and character practiced before marriage. Some of these challenges could be avoided by doing things God’s way hence the benefit of waiting. Those who do obey God in waiting will be able to avoid some challenges that those who did not wait will not be able to. We see this all the time.

The greater weight should not be placed on being a good girl/good guy to get married, but being obedient to honor God whether we get married or not. I believe if the goal is only to get married then the door becomes open for idolatry of marriage. Idolatry is when we place something of more importance than Christ in our life. We begin to sacrifice for it as a form of worship.

Many of God’s single Christian daughters who have idolized marriage, and obeyed God in waiting, have become bitter toward God and His way of doing things. They believed the false expectation that abstinence until marriage meant having a marriage. When that did not happen many of God’s single daughters decided to begin sowing seeds of whoredom and found themselves no longer alone.

This is why we have to be careful about how we communicate about God’s Biblical laws. Yes, we should wait until marriage to have sex. It honors God with our bodies. It provides clarity when we are dating so we can see the real person and not the smokescreen of the connection created when we’ve become sexually intimate with a partner. There are great benefits to saving sex for marriage, but there has to be a greater motivation behind it than just to get married because what happens when waiting becomes the reason why men no longer want to be with you?

Finally, if you are someone reading this who has been obedient and are still single; be encouraged to know you are worthy of marriage if that is something you desire; seek God to see if it’s something he has for you and continue to remain faithful to God. If it is the Lord’s will for you to be married, you will be blessed with an appropriate spouse.

There are some pitfalls for single women that would cause us to act foolishly. I will list a few that I’ve seen and how to avoid them. Let’s first define what it means to be silly:

Having or showing a lack of common sense or judgment, absurd foolish (Google Dictionary).

Some women have allowed themselves to act in a silly manner without realizing it due to simply just wanting to be married. They want the ABC and the 123 of how to get a husband. They do not care for God’s purpose, process, inner-healing to be able to choose wisely. They just simply want a man―period. These are women who lack discernment, are full of pride, and have tunnel vision not for God’s plan for their lives, but only what they want.

This sort of attitude can cause a woman to act foolishly. She bets herself on different partners accepting whatever they are giving. If it doesn’t work out, she points the finger at them for not being up to snuff when in reality she failed to take responsibility for her choice and her future.

A cycle of bad choices like this can cause desperation for the truth and doing things God’s way or it can cause further unbelief and hardness of heart. Those who choose the latter fall into the lie that there are no good men and it isn’t possible to have a healthy relationship so these women may give in to the passions of the flesh accepting sexual gratification over real love.

For of this sort are they which creep into houses, and lead captive silly women laden with sins, led away with divers lusts. – 2 Timothy 3:6

This is a trap to condemn women to a life of acting as silly women, who settle for much less than what they’re worthy of. This type of woman never took the time to get acquainted with her worth and value. She defined herself by others only. This is a terrible life that none of us have to live. Jesus died to give all of us life more abundant. That means somethings we don’t have to put up with. Some bad relationships can be avoided. We can be healthy, whole, and women who enjoy life.
Consider getting my series of books for single women: The Single Christian Woman’s Guide, The Wholeness Action Plan, and Patterns of the Heart: Discernment in Choosing a Potential Spouse. These books provide the tools for women to walk in wisdom. The Bible says that wisdom is a defense. It protects us from the things that break us and preserves us for the things that reinforce our value. Please, don’t allow yourself to become a silly woman. Please, know that God has more for you.

Routines are good because they can help us to practice discipline, but routines can be harmful when the importance of a routine takes precedence over intimacy and genuine mental and emotional connection in a marriage. Being robotic in a sense where work becomes more important than seeing that there is something wrong with your spouse can become an issue. Resentment can become a natural reaction and a wedge of separation is formed.

Take, for example, a couple who normally goes to church on Sunday. The husband takes the trash out every Tuesday, kisses his wife, and everything seems fine. The wife is taken care of financially, talks all day to her husband, cooks, and everything is fine. Let’s say the man breaks the routine and doesn’t want to talk so much. Maybe, he starts to withdraw and even picks up some bad habits that aren’t characteristic of a Christian and not what the godly wife expects.

If the woman condemns him for his actions of breaking the routine that she expected instead of fighting alongside him against the root cause of the issue; that man may feel as though he is in his marriage alone and he may withdraw even more. Meanwhile, the wife attempts to garner support from others sharing that her husband is no good based on his actions in the current moment of the struggle rather than the character of the man she chose to marry and love. She fights more so for the routine to be re-installed than for the husband that she says she loves. This can be a serious issue in a marriage.

The Bible shares the below about a foolish woman:

A wise woman builds her home, but a foolish woman tears it down with her own hands. – Proverbs 14:1

In the scenario above, the woman has an opportunity to apply wisdom. It will be uncomfortable, and it will expose some insecurities she may have, but if the man is a genuine godly brother and she a genuine godly sister, the both of them will grow stronger together because of the wisdom applied that would cause them to fight alongside one another rather than fight one another. The woman in the scenario; however, is fighting for the comfort of her robotic routine rather than the freedom of her spouse.

Sadly, some women have a fairytale―all about me attitude, when it comes to marriage. This attitude requires the man to only perform for her. When the man shows weakness; he is put down, disrespected, verbally abused, and almost discarded.

She sees him as her robot instead of a human. Humans have weaknesses, run into roadblocks, and sometimes get overwhelmed and discouraged. Sometimes they need their spouse to show genuine concern for what’s going on with them.

Likewise, some men want to only use their wives sexually as a coping mechanism to get through without showing concern for her emotionally. She is more than a sex object, but a whole human being.

I didn’t even mention how having children can amplify the situation. The routine of robotism can cause a couple to forget the genuine need of one another to simply be. That is to be safe, heard, valued, and comforted with knowing they get one another and are there for one another.

Continued robotic routine with the man and woman only performing for one another to keep the peace, can begin to eat away at true intimacy and emotional and mental connection. Eventually, the couple may become cold and hard wondering how they got there.

This is a real issue. The couple will have to realize it took time to get like this and it will take time to get out of this. Humility will be required for both parties to come together and communicate with respect. A third-party counselor can help to mediate this. If the spars at one another have gotten too harsh for peace; brief separation may be required while each person takes responsibility in working on him and her selves.

“Self-righteousness will not hold a marriage together. There’s going to have to be some humility from both parties.”

Don’t do marriage alone. Allow wise and mature people in enough to build you up and tell you both the truth. Check out resources at Build a Better Us Ministry as they provide education and workshops around this topic.

Tests in your marriage can bring you together in a stronger way if you have the proper wisdom to navigate it. Here wisdom from the Word of God below

See the parable in Luke 11:39 when Jesus and his disciples are questioned by the religious leaders on why they do not wash their hands before eating.

Jesus’ response was to share with the religious leader that it isn’t about the routine of washing the hands or washing the outside of a cup, but the inside of the cup. In other words, Jesus was saying they were focused on the wrong thing.

They want to have an appearance of cleanliness, but where it counts which is the inside of a person, the inner man of the heart, that is neglected. The Bible says that it’s the inner man where various sins are birthed out (See Matthew 15:16-20).

When a couple focuses on a robotic routine instead of tending to the inner man of themselves and the spouse; they focus on the wrong things leaving themselves vulnerable for an attack on their marriage.