Jeremiah is the founder of Sex Can Wait a While. Sex Can Wait a While is a ministry that helps those practicing abstinence to be bold in their commitment to God and practicing abstinence until marriage. I sat down with Jeremiah, a 29-year-old man who waited until marriage for sex. I asked him some questions about his journey. The summary of our conversation is below:

How did you get started with practicing abstinence?

I was always influenced to wait until marriage. This message was not limited to my parents. My dad was a pastor and my mom grew up in church. They divorced when I was 17. I did not know that my parents were both virgins when they married. This is something I found out later. They’d never discussed that with me. I did not even receive a sex talk from them.

I always knew to wait. Someone that you’d decide to have sex with within my mind had to be my wife. It had been embedded in me. A lot of us wait because we are supposed to, but my question would be what is your why? Is there anything deeper than just because God wants us to wait? Why does God want you to wait? And why do you want to wait?

I think we have to figure out our foundation in wanting to wait. I did not figure out my real reason to wait until 25 years old. After starting Sex Can Wait a While, I was asked a question of why I was waiting and my strong reason became apparent. As a man, I am worth the wait. I am handsome. I am beautiful and valuable. Often, as Black men, we give away our flowers to a lot of women especially us Black men.

We call Black women Black queens, but what about you as a man? Brotha, you are worth just as much because you come from the same creator. I found out that I’m a treasure too. I know I’m worth the wait. I know I am going to be a gift to someone out there.

via GIPHY

I shared with Jeremiah how important that point is that he bought up about men valuing themselves and taking care of themselves just like we teach women to do. A man who values himself properly and takes care of himself well is preparing well to be a husband as the Bible teaches men in Ephesians that husbands should care for their wives as they do their bodies (Eph 5:29.)

The principle of self-care is also very important as a married person. Women as nurturers and taking care of the children and the household face a temptation to lose themselves in the role of a wife and a mother; similarly, to how a married man can lose himself in the role of providing and working. It’s so important for men to also continue to value themselves outside of just what they can provide. Traditionally, the man has identified with the role of providing, but when he loses his job in some cases he doesn’t know what to do.

When you realized your value as a man, how did you continue in the pattern of practicing self-care as a man?

Just basic stuff like being healthy. Making sure I eat the right things. These are all ways I’ve practiced self-care: eating my vegetables, visiting the dentist and doctor regularly. Men need to know what’s up with their bodies, so definitely go to the dentist and the doctor. I wanted something that I could start on my own. That is when I came up with the idea of a talk showed called, “Gentleman’s Club Talk Show.”

Me: Giggles, that sounds like a strip club. I’m glad you put the talk show part at the end.

Jeremiah: Yes, it was a talk show that talked about things about men. We discussed mental health, men and women relationships, guests, emotional intelligence, how to treat a lady. We did not discuss the stereotypical things expected of us. After that, I began a clothing brand and after the clothing brand started, God gave me the idea for Sex Can Wait a While.

For me, I did not go to college. I always longed to meet people who are successful and did not go to college. Sometimes, when everyone around you has a degree, you feel like you are missing out on something, but God allowed me to be successful without a degree. One thing that was healthy for me is accepting the fact that going to school to get a degree was not God’s pathway to success for me. There are lots of people out there without a degree who are successful.

What would you say has been most challenging waiting within a culture where men are encouraged to do what they want sexually?

Opinions from other people. I am going to be honest with you. I had no problem sharing about being a virgin or being a Christian. I was confident. A lot of times people were so focused on finding someone else like us; that they were focusing on just shining like a light. You may not ever find someone like you. Further, virgins have different views. A virgin may not be waiting until marriage. Some virgins are waiting until they find the right one.

I recently posted on Facebook that my audience would be so surprised at how many people waited until they got to the altar to have their first kiss. Many people said the idea of waiting for marriage for the first kiss was being too saved. They did not believe it and thought it was too much. I wanted to prove these people wrong. So, I decided to find a whole bunch of couples who waited to have their first kiss and prove these people wrong. When people hear certain things for the first time; it’s difficult for them to believe it and they see it as a lie. When people challenge me, I welcome it in such a way as saying, “welcome into my world.” I introduce them into not only the world of virgins, but people who are abstinent, celibate, and who believe in doing things God’s way. And people who have already done it God’s way and are continuing to do it God’s way—because purity doesn’t stop after marriage, but it continues. It isn’t just people who are believers, but we will get the most crap from believers who worship the same God.

What would you say you are most thankful for having done things God’s way?

I don’t have anyone to compare my wife to and that’s facts. Because no one has gotten a taste of her body and no one has gotten a taste of my body. And you know what sis, it’s so comfortable. You always feel security when you do things God’s way. God continues to confirm daily why my wife is the best for me. There is no comparison. I don’t want to say that it is overwhelming security, but I know I made the right choice.

How did you and your wife end up meeting?

We met on Facebook. Remember I told you I was doing the radio show. Her best friend is an actor and was doing something in the same building where I had been doing the radio show and some photography. My men’s talk show was on Facebook live and she would watch it and comment on the live. I would respond to those who commented. We just became cool afterward. We did not hit it off right away. We would talk from time to time. Later some months, I asked her when was going to be the next time she’d praise dance and I’ll come through. She sent me the flyer and I showed up. I was selling some clothes and she bought a shirt. I watched her dance and I invited her to I-hop after the concert. One of my friends hit me up asking me to go to an art gallery and I left for the art gallery with my friend.

When did you both start liking each other?

I hit her up a couple of weeks later and said I know we were supposed to hang out, but I left out. What are you doing now? We went to Outback Steakhouse after church. After that outing, we began hanging out a lot. The following January is when we began to develop feelings for one another. The event where she was praise dancing was in September of the previous year.

As a single man when you were previously waiting, what did you do when you felt the pressure of those in the church and various places against your stance on waiting?

I did not care. Honestly, I’d get mad when other people would let those things get to them, so I would encourage others. I barely heard those types of negative things around me. You know how when you are around someone you pick up on their spirit. People would pick up on my spirit and they would not bring it to me. Men know who the good dudes are and they respected that. My mindset was I am not supposed to be of this world. I’m in it, but not of it. I was not going to hang out with people who believed differently. People hung with me. If I’d hung out with the wrong people I would have been influenced by those people. I instead focused on influencing other people.

Were there times when you were single before you’d met your wife when you were lonely and how did you deal with that loneliness?

When I hear the word loneliness, I think about people being miserable. That was not me. I enjoyed my singleness. I only had two girlfriends, and when I had them, I could not wait to break up. I would be like, “God you got to get me out of this.” Those relationships weren’t what God had ordained for me. These were relationships that I’d tried to put together. It was not God. I knew they weren’t the ideal women for me.

This point that Jeremiah made is so important because we often date out of loneliness or trying to allow someone else to feel a void that needs to be left open right now. Sometimes, God wants to teach us with the void of loneliness that he is enough for us. It’s similar to Apostle Paul who prayed that God would take something away from him, but God said no—my grace is sufficient for you.

God may want us to experience how his grace is enough to keep us during our single lonely nights where we wish to be held by someone or when we want to make love to someone.

Jeremiah Speaking Again:

I still embraced my singleness in relationships. I remember God dealing with me while on the phone with one of my girlfriends. Some people find it hard to embrace their singleness while in a dating relationship. There were those asking permission of their boyfriends/girlfriends to go hang out etc. I believed that I could hang out by myself if I wanted to and did not have to ask permission.

I don’t consider myself to have had a spirit of loneliness, but there were times where I really wanted a girl. There were lots of women that I liked who did not like me back.

(Russelyn) I’ve experienced this too where a lot of men I’m interested in aren’t also interested in me either. Even on the dating apps, a lot of guys I heart do not heart back. So, I know how that is.

(Jeremiah) I had a lot of fun as a single person traveling, going wherever I wanted to go. We should not place ourselves in a box as singles. God wants us free. We place ourselves in relationships that shackle us up and when God does send the right relationship, we are afraid because we aren’t ready.

Have you ever thought to yourself, I wonder if women of God, who are waiting, go through the same things as men?

Yes. I was always excited to delve into conversation with women experiencing the same thing. There was that comradery of, “Oh Wow! You too!” I thought it was really dope. A question that I hate is, “Jeremiah where are the good men at? And where are the virgin men at?” You know why because of where the question comes from. The person who asks that question normally is coming from a bad place and not a humble place.

Meeting someone like ourselves I will say is comforting. A lot of times, people think that you should be quiet about doing things God’s way. But do you know why, “Sex Can Wait a While,” exists as a community of people who practice abstinence? It exists because I was not quiet. That is why it is a community.

I shared with Jeremiah that I believe many people needed him to share his message because many who are abstinent in the church are full of fear afraid to share their message of abstinence. Also, I shared how the church is partly responsible for this because I’ve heard several pastors preach that virgins or those who practice abstinence are perfect and holier than though. Virgins are not perfect nor holier than thou.

I have not heard a preacher preach this recently, but those who previously preached this about virgins now have daughters and I don’t think they would discourage their daughters from practicing abstinence by putting the stigma of holier than thou on them.

Have you ever been rejected by a woman due to your stance on abstinence?

Not overtly, but I do believe so. I know a lot of women picked up on what type of a guy I was. Some women I was interested in did not want this type of guy. Some women want the thug dude and I knew it. They’d say things like: “you are so sweet.’ But I’m not a thug and I knew what they were on.

Adam woke up and saw Eve and he did not have to chase her. Eve was placed where Adam was. The thing is you don’t have to fight for anybody. God made her available.

Do you believe it’s possible to be sexually disciplined as a man?

No. 1, I do believe it is possible. I got married at 36 years old as a virgin. My wife was 38 years old and still a virgin. Keep yourself off of social media if that is a distraction for you. Turn off the Pornhub. Read a book. You need something that is going to distract you from your flesh. Figure out what is the best distraction for your flesh and focus on that. Be aware of the television shows that you watch and the things you listen to. Tell someone. There is a scripture in James that says to confess our faults one to the other for healing. Tell someone what you are going through. I promise you there is someone who has already gone through what you are going through. Don’t be afraid. Get into a community group. Swallow your pride. Put your pride in your pocket.

Russelyn

Again, it is possible. That unbelief often leads people into sin. Many people will not even try to submit to God in the area of sexual sin because they don’t believe they can do it. I love bringing the scripture up that says God’s grace is sufficient for our weakness. Our flesh is weak, but the spirit is willing. Whatever area we are weak in we can look for God to show up and give us strength. That is my personal testimony as a virgin that God showed up for me. He gives me strength. So, when I get weak or horny—I look for God’s strength to show up for me so I can endure these natural desires and still honor God.

Jeremiah

No one knows the day or the hour Christ is coming back or when they’ll meet their husband/wife. The question is will you be satisfied where you are at? I do believe that if it is in your heart; you’ll be married, but the reality is it isn’t for everyone.

God wants us to mature. A lot of people aren’t mature. Women are worried about penis size and men, breast and booty size. God has more than that. That literally destroys the whole ideology of what your husband or wife should be.

Russelyn

That reminds me of these Instagram models that a lot of these men are seeking. A lot of people are saying that men are looking for a wife to look like these Instagram models who aren’t really real. They don’t really look the way they present themselves all of the time.

Jeremiah

Well, the Instagram models don’t want them. That is just a fantasy. They don’t want these men. They want the men’s money. They get paid. They are booty-girls. If you aren’t cutting a check; get out of their DMs. That isn’t God.

Russelyn

Unfortunately, some of these men will end up paying for the fact that they aren’t listening.

Jeremiah

Yes, they will pay for it and literarily pay for it.

We know that we can be virgins and be impure. What did your journey look like in getting to that place of purity and maturity in God?

I talk about this heavily in my book, Virgin Men Exist. This was an issue for me. I did not know that masturbation was called masturbation, but I just knew it felt good. I was not introduced to masturbation by anyone or television. It just happened naturally. I was curious. It became a struggle and an addiction for me. I would start and stop again and again until one day God finally took it away. I’d prayed multiple times for God to take it away. When God did that, I felt as though God could do anything. A lot of times the things we have to pray about are the things we never thought God could do. A lot of times, I did not even think that I could stop. I’d gotten to the point where I did not even need my hands to participate in masturbation. I believe it’s called mental masturbation. I was trying to stop on my own. I needed to stop by giving it all to God.

What was it in you that caused you not to give up in seeking God to deliver you from this? Some people feel like hey, I wake up and the sexual act is already occurring so they may as well give up. They may stop seeking God believing that they are just a bad person. You must have had to have hope in who you were in Christ to believe that God would deliver you from that.

Jeremiah

After the masturbation was over, I would feel drained liked everything was taken out of me. It was a terrible feeling. I’d gotten to the point where I would not ask for forgiveness from God anymore. I felt I was going to God too much because I felt I would just mess up in this area tomorrow, but God wants us to keep coming to him. God wants that humble heart. This is where God’s grace and power can come in as God gives grace to the humble.

Some church people will say that masturbation is like practicing having sex with a person. It isn’t. It’s a selfish act. It’s supposed to be shared with that other person. Adam was not beating off when Eve was bought to him because if he was the attitude would have been, “what are you here for?”

Is there anything else you’d like to share with the people? Where can people find you and your business?

Sexcanwaitawhile.co. You will be able to see our gear there. My book is now available on Amazon. Christian fashion week is September 30th – October 3rd. This will be the first annual Christian fashion week. Also, virginmendoexist.com is where you can find my book as well. The primary community for Sex Can Wait a While is on Instagram @sexcanwaitawhile.

This is a series intended to encourage the single man of God as well as the single woman of God. For men, I want them to know they are not alone and other men are with them in their struggle to contend for righteousness and rest in the Lord as a man who is single. For women, I want them to know they are not alone and there are men of God out here contending for righteousness and enduring some of the same struggles of loneliness and fighting the flesh as well. In the end, we overcome.

God provides his grace to both men and women during the wait for the right partner. This grace empowers us to live this life and see it through until the end. We have hope both while in the process of waiting and when the wait is over because it is God who sustains us. And God never leaves us nor forsakes us—not while we are in the wilderness, preparation, or in the promise. We can always trust in him to be faithful to us.

This series includes two men, one who re-committed himself to abstinence until marriage and another who was a virgin until marriage and is now married. Below is the first interview with a gentleman named Robert Jones. He is 53 years old.

Question # 1: At what point did you begin waiting until marriage to have sex?

I had a bad breakup with a woman and it was unclear if we were over. I made up my mind that I would not be with anyone until I’d gotten her back. However, she had me holding on—leading me on while talking to another gentleman that she ended up marrying.

During this process, a female friend of mine came to town and wanted to be intimate, but I shared with her I was waiting on the woman I was seeking after. At that point, she challenged me to wait until marriage for sex. I decided to do so—January of 2018.

I began dating another woman in 2018 who agreed with my choice to wait. However, one year later, the woman who’d previously agreed to wait until marriage for sex had changed her mind. She began to pressure me into sex and I gave in. My conviction to wait along with some health challenges made it difficult for me to perform and that relationship ended.

I have been back on my journey of no sex until marriage again and the health challenges I’d dealt with I’ve overcome at this point.

Robert Shared an Important Belief he held that waiting for marriage for sex to him had previously been waiting for sexual intercourse or penetration only:

Robert had gone to therapy to heal after the relationship with the woman in 2018. He also became more involved with his church. It’s through therapy and his relationship with his church pastors and brothers that he learned that fellatio and other sexual acts were also to be held back until marriage and it was not just sexual intercourse or penetration that was to be refrained from prior to marriage. Robert is now abstaining from all forms of sex prior to marriage.

Question # 2: With the women you’d previously mentioned who led you on and the other who changed her mind about waiting for sex, normally we hear about men playing these types of games and not women. How have you learned to guard your heart in dating? There isn’t a lot of talk about men guarding their hearts while dating.

Robert says that he prays to meet his future wife. He prays for protection against temptation and mainly he trusts God. He doesn’t feel that he guards his heart perse’, but he trusts God and remains open by pursuing, writing love notes, and giving in hopes of meeting that future spouse. Simply put, he relies on God to protect his heart. He focuses on giving with the belief that once he has given; it’s up to the person who has received from him to do what they will with it.

We guard our hearts by trusting God and following the wisdom and discernment that he gives us. We do not guard our hearts by practicing bitterness, pride, or unforgiveness.

One Time During Temptation

Robert shared that he’s been tempted as well. He’d allowed a woman to spend the night and she sleeps nude. They kissed and became hot and bothered, but he drew the line after that. He discussed that he was admonished by his pastor that he should not have put himself in that position. It was like leading the woman to the door and closing the door on her shutting her out. It’s good that he shut her out, but it was not wise to be there in that position. He has embraced what his pastor shared and will be implementing that going forward.

Instead, clothe yourself in the presence of the Lord Jesus Christ. And don’t let yourself think about ways to indulge your fleshy desires.

– Romans 13:14

More of our discussion on Sex

He went on to share how there are so many women out there looking for fulfillment in sex with men and when there are no morals it’s easy to use sex to hit an empty target. He shared that for so long he’d been crying out for someone to take him seriously about him wanting to settle down, but for so long no one took him seriously because of how he moved before his commitment to wait until marriage.

One of his guy friends asked him what if he waits and the sex is trash. He shut him down sharing that God doesn’t move that way. God will not give you a partner where the sex is trash. I added on further to the discussion sharing that there is also sex therapy and counseling that couples can go to get themselves on the same page so that both individuals within the marriage are sexually satisfied.

Question # 3: What has been the greatest challenges you’ve experienced since you’ve decided to do things God’s way?

The greatest challenge has been temptation and people trying to break me. Also, the enemy knowing what I like—the curves I like, height, etc. The enemy will put that specifically on your path. Also, a challenge in waiting is wondering if a particular woman will be the right one. There was another woman who was a minister that I liked, but she had a boyfriend. When she became available and unattached—she was aggressive and I do not like aggressive women. I like to put in the work.

I had to refocus on waiting and trusting God. One of my favorite scriptures:

He says, “Be still, and know that I am God; I will be exalted among the nations,

I will be exalted in the earth.

– Psalms 46:10

Russelyn added to the discussion about trusting God further:

This is what the Lord says: “Cursed is the one who trusts in man,

    who draws strength from mere flesh

    and whose heart turns away from the Lord.

That person will be like a bush in the wastelands;

    they will not see prosperity when it comes.

They will dwell in the parched places of the desert,

    in a salt land where no one lives. “But blessed is the one who trusts in the Lord,

    whose confidence is in him.

They will be like a tree planted by the water

    that sends out its roots by the stream.

It does not fear when heat comes;

    its leaves are always green.

It has no worries in a year of drought

    and never fails to bear fruit.”

– Jeremiah 17:5-8

The above scripture speaks of how sometimes we place our trust in things and people. We can do this when opening ourselves up to the wrong relationships. Opening ourselves up to the wrong relationships and trusting in the wrong things causes us to become jaded to the point where we cannot recognize when good shows up. A godly man can be standing right in front of us and at that point, because we’ve placed our trust in the wrong things, we will not recognize it nor respond appropriately. However, the one who places their trust in the Lord will be able to see good when it comes and will bring forth the expectation that s/he had been trusting God for.

Question # 4: What has been the greatest benefit for doing things God’s way?

Firstly, this interview. I could never imagine someone wanted to hear my testimony on a blog. Also, the people I’ve met—those who cannot believe that a Black man is seeking to discipline himself to honor God in this arena. When people see the authenticity of what I am trying to do they are surprised.

In short, it’s opened the door for meeting people who share my values—this has given me a greater opportunity to experience settling down in the love relationship that I desire. There is a scripture in the Bible that talks about the key of David that opens doors no man can shut.

There is a young lady a friend of mine introduced me to. We’d gone to the same college so I know her, but not closely. However, we’ve been talking for a week and so far, we are looking for the same things and have the same values.

via GIPHY

Finally, I’ll say the greatest benefit is what God is doing in me. I remember praying regarding the woman I’d broken up with who I really wanted, but I prayed for strength, power, wisdom, and discernment to get over her as God prepared me for what he has for me. I’ve come a long way since then and I am grateful and I am thankful. Even when I used to be married, I’d cheated on my wife, but if I had put all of the energy I’d put into cheating into my marriage, where would I have been right now? I will not do that again. Now, with God’s help, I’ve become a one-woman man just like I am a one God man.

Russelyn shared that she believes the key of David is to have a heart after God and that opens us up to whatever God has for us. Russelyn also shared Proverbs 3:5-6 acknowledging God in all of our ways is a way to have a heart after God. It’s a way of showing reverential fear for God. Lord, I want to acknowledge you. I trust you to direct my path.

Question # 5: What can women of God do to encourage men in your position?

The hardest thing for women over 40 to do is to sit still. You know a man finds a wife. A woman sees a guy who is fine, great with his kids, successful and women think I want him, but what is his heart like? I was given information from a pastor of mine sharing that I need to ask women questions while dating like how is your spirit with God? Where are you at with God?

After applying this, I would wonder if I was talking about God too much. I had dated a woman who was a minister and she asked me if I had my own words. She felt that I was using the Bible too much and wanted me to speak less about God. It turned me off.

Russelyn shared how she’s experienced this too and it’s good to know that this doesn’t just happen to women. Many times, we feel alone when facing challenges like that, but it’s good to know that our counterparts out there are experiencing the same thing.

Sidenote: Women will have to really trust in God and rest in God to not be too thirsty when showing interest in a man. If women are too thirsty they can relinquish their role as women in being pursued by men and become the pursuer which turns manly men off.

Question # 6 As an older man of God, what are some things you are noticing among younger men that you’d like to speak to?

I have a 21-year-old nephew and my brother and I, his dad, were promiscuous. That affected their relationship because his dad still is and he places the women over his son. I divorced my ex-wife because she did not care for my children and my nephew shared that he wished his father would do the same thing for him.

What I would say to a younger man is that the conquest is not the woman’s body, but her mind and her heart. You love the mind and the heart and the body, in the right timing, will submit to you (right timing meaning the covenant of marriage.) It’s like submitting to God. When you submit to God—you’re giving up power to gain so much more.

We place so much value on the physical satisfaction and the flesh, but the greatest thing is love. If you love that woman unconditionally showing her that love—she’ll give you what you want. As a man, I need a friend. Years down the line when my body no longer works, I’ll need a woman I can talk to who can hold my hand during my twilight.

Sex and love are two different things. Love is a verb. If I show you that I can love you before I have your body, when we’re married adding the submission of your body to that is amazing. My sister passed, but when she was alive, she was only married to one man. I learned some things from her marriage that I am taking into my own marriage. If I love you first, you’ll love me last. I don’t like being chased. I want to put the work in.

Question # 7: Do you think men nowadays still pursue women because it seems like they don’t?

A lot of men don’t pursue now because they don’t have to. Women are pursuing them. When a woman is ready to be found, she will be found. When God is ready for her to be found. She will be. When God wants you to have something, he will provide it for you. We live in a microwave society where people want things right away. Some women are so impatient that they’d settle for a piece of a man than a whole man.

Question # 8: For men who feel stuck with sexual tension while waiting, what can they do?

I had to really trust God. I had sleepless nights with thoughts of going to my ex’s house. I had to pray a lot. I would lay down at night and pray and pray. Even through the torment and sleepless nights, I knew God would rescue me. It’s a matter of being still until God came to my rescue. I got to the point where I knew it would all be over in the morning, and I’d eventually fall asleep.

After a while, it gets easier because you begin to forget what you’re missing. You forget that you are no longer having sex and you just have other things to do. You have hard days, but that is the whole part of being still and trusting God has your back. The enemy is always waiting. It’s crazy how heavily the enemy is rooted in things that cause pleasure and I was an addict for many years.

I did not grow up in a loving household. It wasn’t until I was in therapy in 2005 that I recognized this and the fact that I had co-dependency issues. I felt that I always had to have a woman in my life. I always had someone to replace the woman I was breaking up with. Up until recently, I had no one. I simply had to grow. Once I got my healing, I was able to be alone in a healthy way relinquishing the co-dependency.

I felt that some of my previous behavior with the wrong women was pushing back who I was supposed to be with down the road. Who could I have been missing out on dealing with the wrong women? That really alarmed me when I came to that realization and I saw that those past relationships were a distraction. They weren’t God-centered so where did I expect them to go?

Even though this article is specific to Black women, if you’re not Black, but still a woman, I hope you see yourself as worthy of real love too. My audience isn’t limited to Black women. However, I wanted to address this due to some challenges within the Black community that I see.

Some Black women secretly ask themselves if they’re worthy of love. Many of us have gone back and forth with our ability to believe that genuine love can happen for us. With the varying statistics that show a rise in single Black women that have never been married and false interpretations of these stats that say that the Black woman is unwanted; it’s no wonder some Black women are struggling to feel worthy of real love.

I’ve had to use discernment in the rooms I enter on Clubhouse as there have been bad advice given to women by some Black men to lower their standards to receive love. We all know lowering our standards, removing our boundaries, and throwing off our value system will not produce real love. It will produce more of the statistics that we are trying to avoid like the 72% of Black moms being single moms.

When Black women listen to the poor advice from those on Clubhouse and make poor choices that produce poor consequences; it’s thrown back in those women’s faces that they are unworthy of love due to the poor choices of the past. Not to mention, there are many stereotypes forced on Black women without any conversation to either confirm or deny our personal beliefs.

With these types of circumstances, it’s vitally important that we as women be very careful what rooms we go into, what tables we sit at, and what conversations we allow ourselves to listen to. All of the information out here about Black women isn’t building up Black women. Some of it, if not careful, will lead us to a dark place of unbelief or bitterness where we ask ourselves the following questions.

Am I too much? Am I not enough? Is there something off about my beauty? Am I not wanted?

The truth is we are worthy! We are enough! We are beautiful! We are wanted!

We have to believe this for ourselves and then guard it not with pride, not with exiting our femininity to argue our points and prove ourselves to those who don’t care. We guard it by walking it out in rest, peace, calm, and surety.

Let me share something with you. God placed a similar God-given desire inside of every woman no matter the color and background. This desire protects us, women, from a lot of stuff and preserves us for what will be fulfilling and healing to us. This desire is the desire for safety and security.

We live in a culture where some of our men simply cry submission. As if the woman is automatically supposed to submit to a man just because he is a man. However, the Bible gives us an illustration showing that we as women have a choice.

We are to submit to the man who willfully demonstrates to us his seriousness to love us. Before I explain further let’s briefly discuss submit. When I say submit, I don’t me just doing what a man says. I mean a willingness on our parts as women—specifically Black women—to surrender ourselves by joining with a man on a physical, mental, spiritual, financial, and emotional level. This is something that cannot be frivolously given. It must be earned. It must be demonstrated and Black women—you are worthy of that.

Therefore, I urge you, brothers and sisters, in view of God’s mercy, to offer your bodies as a living sacrifice, holy and pleasing to God—this is your true and proper worship. Do not conform to the pattern of this world, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind. Then you will be able to test and approve what God’s will is—his good, pleasing and perfect will.

– Romans 12:1 (NIV)

You may say what does the above scripture have to do with submission or male and female relationships. When you understand that the Bible uses the relationship between Christ and the church—all believers in Christ, to illustrate how relationships are to work between men and women—you realize there is a higher standard that includes you.

Christ Jesus first humbled himself in demonstrating his love for his bride—the church. He gave his life for her first before any requirement of submission was discussed. He earned the right to enter into her life being her savior and Lord by demonstrating real love for her consistently. It was then that she offered herself to him including her body as an act of worship within a safe covenant.

I hope I’m not getting too deep for some, but the scripture tells us what real love is.

Love is patient and kind. Love is not jealous or boastful or proud or rude. It does not demand its own way. It is not irritable, and it keeps no record of being wronged. It does not rejoice about injustice but rejoices whenever the truth wins out. Love never gives up, never loses faith, is always hopeful, and endures through every circumstance.

– 1 Cor 13:4-7

Love as scripturally taught must be demonstrated before we agree to join ourselves with a man surrendering our bodies and our commitment to him. We have to be able to hold out sexually long enough to practice discernment judging whether the man pursuing us is seeking our general well-being or only to please himself.

Once, it is rightfully determined through consistent demonstration, we can then, reciprocate allowing ourselves to make the natural sacrifices that women make in a relationship with a man. It becomes a willing experience and not a forced experience through coercion, manipulation, or male dominance.

God built within women this natural protection system to desire and seek security and safety before joining ourselves with someone. Not only are we worthy of this, but this is our God structured right as women. So yes, you are worthy of this. You were created enough to attract this, your beauty is enough to secure this, and you are not too much for requiring this.

A man’s job is to find out what that security looks like for each woman instead of assuming every woman sees security as money. Money is a necessity. If you don’t work you don’t eat. That should be a given, but money isn’t all that is required to make each woman feel safe.

For many wise women, it’s character. What is the consistent character at work in that man’s heart and is it what makes the woman feel safe? Women have a lot to lose when giving themselves to a man—our figure, if we have children, emotional stability, if it isn’t real love, financial challenges, if the man isn’t truly committed and a child is born. Because of the risk involved, we have to use wisdom ladies, and discernment. This is our right as women!

God used this understanding to encourage me to continue to believe that as a woman no matter my color or the stats on single Black women I am still worthy. He wants us all to remember that we are worthy of this type of love. He wanted me to remember that this type of love can and will genuinely happen for me. He wanted me to remember that I am on the right track for this type of love.

In the meantime, while waiting for this type of love—I remember to love myself. I embrace the idea fully that I am worthy of this. This love is for me.

Avoid Being Interested in Someone Uninterested in You

When considering non-negotiables, this one seems like a given, but it can be such a temptation to keep in practice when we really like someone. If you’re crushing on someone who simply isn’t responding to you 9 times out of 10 they just aren’t into you. That’s completely okay. Everyone will not be interested. Everyone isn’t for us. We have to value ourselves enough to only entertain those who share a mutual interest in desiring to get to know us. The woman who consistently positions herself for a man to notice her who doesn’t care is setting herself up to question her worth later on down the line.

It’s a slippery slope when we like someone too much who doesn’t like us back. It can only go downhill. To avoid further disappointment; it’s best to leave it alone. If you have to unfollow your interest on social media or block do what you gotta do. We all are worthy of someone who genuinely cares for us and makes that choice to be with us. Avoiding making this one of your non-negotiables can make you crazy.

Avoid Being with Someone Who Lacks Respect for You

Respect is important to any healthy relationship whether dating, co-workers, siblings, or parents. Respect is like an open doorway that lends itself to the place of safety that both men and women desire. This is a place where you can be heard. I don’t mean your thoughts falling on deaf ears but really heard. Your concerns will be taken into consideration and acted on. When a person respects you; it means they can see the value that you add to their life and they become willing to do what’s necessary to strengthen that connection. The respect begins to develop further into trust. Respect and trust are two of the major building blocks to a healthy relationship; thus, this is one of the non-negotiables that cannot be ignored.

via GIPHY

Avoid Being with Someone who Lacks a Willingness to Grow

If you are someone who enjoys personal development, learning new things, and avoiding stagnation; you will be miserable with someone who is the total opposite. If someone is lazy, prideful, and stuck in their old ways of doing things whether right or wrong; that someone may not be for you. You don’t want to always feel like you’re butting heads with your partner because your partner simply refuses to grow.

We all have our bad habits, but there has to be enough humility to be willing to pivot when necessary. When we’re wrong, we should ask for forgiveness, and apply effort to do better. Stubbornness, selfishness, and pride are often at the root of someone unwilling to grow.

On the other hand, some people just simply have not been exposed to different. Thus, they do not know that there is more for them out there. If this person is willing to put forth effort into learning and growing—you may have a winner. But if a person is just stagnant and stubborn—this may be someone you want to avoid.

Avoid Committing to Someone with a Lack of Vision for his/her life

Purpose has become more popular recently. Everyone is talking about it. It’s attractive. It’s necessary to have a vision for our lives that leads to a greater purpose. Even if that vision is considered less valuable than others a healthy vision still needs to exist. Not only does a healthy vision need to exist, but there must be fruit in action that shows some sort of acceleration within our purposes.

A person living life without a purpose is more prone to allow anything to take place within his/her life. The Bible says without a vision the people perish. It’s very dangerous not to have a purpose because it leads to the perishing of dreams, opportunities, and impact God’s place within each of us to make within our realm of influence. An example of a vision could simply be to help people.

Many people help people by using their gifts in jobs, volunteer opportunities, art, or literature they’ve been called to. Others have purposes that seem less glamourous such as raising their children in the fear of the Lord. All of these things represent a vision and a purpose. This must be intact when choosing a life partner. Someone who has given up on purpose and vision will only allow perishing in their lives and they will take you with them as their life partner if you so choose.

With no vision, It will be difficult to execute a vision of where you want the relationship to go. You will simply just be existing in the other person’s life. This can foster many things like resentment from the self-actualized spouse and perhaps jealously from the one who refuses to take action that would foster growth and forward movement.

Where there is no vision, the people perish: but he that keepeth the law, happy is he.

– Proverbs 9:23

Avoid Being with Someone who Lacks Self-Control

This is important. Self-control is important not only sexually, but in keeping control of our emotions as well. It’s okay to be passionate and to have strong opinions, but we must also have self-control. Is the person you’re considering dating a hot-head? Do they not respect authority due to a lack of self-control? Are they constantly ending up in trouble due to bad choices because of their lack of self-control? The Bible shares to avoid making friends with an angry man (Proverbs 22:24). Why? Because anger is an emotion that points to a deeper issue that needs to be addressed.

Do not make friends with a hot-tempered person, do not associate with one easily angered

– Proverbs 22:24

The person who is often easily angered has some issues that need to be addressed before considering getting into a relationship. If the often-angered person is not willing to address those issues causing the anger; what will they not be willing to address in your relationship with them. Are they really ready to show up and do the work required for a healthy marriage? The best thing to do is to leave this person to himself. Allow him to work through his issues with a therapist, God, and family.

via GIPHY

Hopefully, the person in this position will realize people keep leaving and seek to get help as to why that is. Everyone’s issues aren’t yours to take on. You are not Mr. or Mrs. fix it. Some people we have to simply pray for from a distance. If you have done your work in humbling yourself and resolving your issues; don’t let someone else bring you back into bondage by trying to be a savior for them. Let the person who lacks self-control go through their own process until he/she begins to truly value themselves enough to get the help needed.

Also, sexual self-control is necessary. If you’re someone who practices sexual discipline; you’ll need someone else with enough self-control to practice sexual discipline as well. If someone doesn’t have the track record for self-discipline but is willing to humble himself and grow in this area—set boundaries with him and evaluate the respect in keeping the boundaries. If the person is not willing to respect the boundaries set again and again perhaps this person isn’t quite ready yet.

The Bible warns us to cut off the things that cause us to sin (Matthew 18:9.) If this relationship is moving you backward in your progress causing you to sin—you may need to simply cut this relationship off. Everyone isn’t willing to do what’s necessary to honor God as it relates to sexual purity, but you should have a made-up mind.

One of the Non-Negotiables Every Christian Has Heard: Avoid Being Unequally Yoked with a Non-Believer

We know what the Bible says about being unequally yoked with a non-believer. We should not do it. Where can this relationship go if you know it should not lead to marriage? It can go toward compromising our walk with the Lord and sin. Thus, we need to use wisdom in not forming a committed relationship with someone outside of the faith. We can be friends with boundaries, associates, and neighbors, but not in a committed marriage. This is one of the easiest ways to allow our hearts to be turned from following the Lord. It’s also a way to create confusion on how the children will be raised. What faith will the couple decide to teach the children? Will the children grow up confused? It’s very important to submit to God in this. Someone may say they want to convert the other party. We have to remember that salvation happens through the Holy Spirit drawing someone and changing their heart. Yes, God uses people, but only to sow a seed.

via GIPHY

I have planted, Apollos watered; but God gave the increase. So then neither is he that planteth anything, neither he that watereth, but God that giveth the increase. Now he that planteth and he that watereth are one: and every man shall receive his own reward according to his own labor.

– 1 Corinthians 3:6-8 (KJV)

Sometimes we can be in pride and stubbornness because we want something and we’ll use helping someone get saved as the excuse to disobey God. While someone can become converted and then a serious relationship can ensue; this should be crystal clear that it’s the case before proceeding forward with a serious relationship. One person will rarely convince someone to change their belief over a dating relationship. We should guard our hearts against involving ourselves romantically with someone of a different faith.

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How many of us have seen someone who is a devote woman of God wearing something and asked ourselves if it was too much? What about when we wear that new dress which we weren’t aware had so much cleavage, but we decided to wear it anyway thinking it isn’t that bad? These are both scenarios where we may ask ourselves how much is too much when dressing modestly and are we really honoring God with what we wear? 

Sidenote: Our dressing should be done as unto the Lord when considering the idea of dressing modestly; we can look for the nudge of the Lord when something is off. When we do not have that nudge―we are fine.

This is a personal question that cannot simply be answered by judging someone by how sexy or not she looks. It’s really a matter of the heart. Because we cannot see the heart of man, we have to be careful in how we approach people in how they dress ensuring we are walking in love and respect.

I’ll share some examples of some nice dresses by Chicme that I’ve worn later in the article.

When we attempt to force our personal convictions about dressing modestly on another; it is a form of disrespect. It disregards another adult’s right to decide for herself and it sets us up as the authority over the person rather than God.

It’s a very prideful act rooted in religious piety rather than humility rooted in genuine love and concern for our fellow man. This is where we have to be careful to check our hearts.

God’s word is clear in emphasizing women in dressing modestly (1 Peter 2:9.) However, we need to consider the cultural context of scriptures.

For example, women in Corinth are encouraged to wear a head covering. This was asked of the Christian women of Corinth in response to the culture of Corinth wear women who did not wear head coverings were seen as available to commit immoral acts. It was the cultural norm.

To not confuse the Christian women with the immoral women of that culture this precaution was taken among Christians. This is not a requirement however for every Christian woman who’d walk the earth. What many Christians do is take remedies provided in scripture to address cultural norms of Biblical times and make them a requirement for all believers.

Paul’s request for women to dress modestly in the below scripture was in contrast to the women of the day who with braided hair, costly clothing, and expensive jewelry prided themselves based on their outward appearance.

“In like manner also, that women adorn themselves in modest apparel, with shamefacedness and sobriety; not with broided hair, or gold, or pearls, or costly array;”

– 1 Timothy 2:9 (KJV)

I also want the women to dress modestly, with decency and propriety, adorning themselves, not with elaborate hairstyles or gold or pearls or expensive clothes, but with good deeds, appropriate for women who profess to worship God.

– 1 Timothy 2:9-10 (NIV)

Priding one’s self based on the outward appearance alone is dangerous because the outward appearance fades and its perceived beauty is subject to the opinions of others. Paul warned the women to consider their nobility based on something more—things like humility, sobriety, and the appropriate good works that follow a woman of humility and sobriety. He was not opposed to women adorning themselves, however.

To adorn in this scripture comes from the Greek word: Kosmeo. This word means the below:

1. To put in order, arrange, make ready, prepare.
2. To ornament, adore.
3. Metaphorically to embellish with honor, gain honor (Thayer Greek Dictionary.)

To adorn simply means to decorate one’s-self, properly arrange one’s-self—in a sense celebrating our God-given beauty. Because of the extremes taught in church culture over the years, some women feel as though arranging one’s self in a way considered too attractive is sinful.

The Bible does not call attractively dressed women sinful; it shares it is sinful to pride ourselves on our physical appearance, wealth, and ability to arrange ourselves in a particular appearance rather than what’s really important.

What does it mean to dress modestly? Modest in 1 Timothy 2:9 means to dress well arranged, seemly, modest. It also means to dress orderly and of good behavior. This simply means we should not be unseemly in our dress. We need to respect the rules and laws of where we are at all times.

When I go to court, I dress like I am presenting myself to a judge. When I go to a job interview, I dress like I would like to be hired for the position. I do my research. I find out what the culture is there and carry myself accordingly. This is the same thing the above scripture is saying.

One of my favorite authors taught this principle so well when she shared with women that dressing modestly has to do with wearing the appropriate thing to the appropriate occasion. When a woman gets ready to marry, she dresses like a bride. When a family visits the beach; the family wears swimwear including bathing suits and swimming trunks. This is considered modest or appropriate for the beach.

Somehow, we’ve confused the word modest with dressing overly conservative or dressing conservatively at all times. There are times that it is inappropriate to dress overly conservative and we must dress for the proper occasion. There is a story in the Bible wear Jesus kicked guests out of a party for not dressing appropriately to the occasion. See Matthew 22:11.

Does this mean that women are free to wear whatever they want to whether appropriate or not? No. We already addressed that dressing modestly is dressing appropriately. However, what’s appropriate to one person may be inappropriate to another depending on the conscious of each person. The Bible says all things are lawful, but not all things are expedient.

Sometimes, people are off on their judgment as to what’s appropriate for a believer, but even in that case, it’s not up to us to put them down or to discount their faith in Christ. In this case, a trusted friend or mentor should approach the woman in love and respect. 

These cases should be clear that something is off. It should not be an assumption from someone based on their own personal convictions. Again, our personal convictions in dressing modestly may not be that of others.

There is not a law across the board that it’s okay for a woman to wear this and not that. This is subjective. There is a scripture that says that the law is for the lawless—meaning those who have no boundaries. It isn’t for someone who is mature and consistently practices appropriate boundaries.

We also know that the law is made not for the righteous but for lawbreakers and rebels, the ungodly and sinful, the unholy and irreligious, for those who kill their fathers or mothers, for murderers.

-1 Tim 1:9

There are those out there who do not live according to what would be considered an appropriate law across the board in dress as it relates to women, but they are a law unto themselves because of their conscious sharing with them what is appropriate and not. This is something that takes place between the believing woman and God.

For when Gentiles, who do not have the law, by nature do the things in the law, these, although not having the law, are a law to themselves, who show the work of the law written in their hearts, their conscience also bearing witness, and between themselves, their thoughts accusing or else excusing them.

– Romans 2:14-15

Many who take issue with others on not dressing to their particular acceptance have come out of churches of controlling backgrounds. Adults should not be controlled. They should be mature enough to make appropriate decisions. Children should be controlled in a sense to be guided and directed into a place of reference with boundaries showing the difference between good vs. bad. This way, when they become adults, they will have the foundation to make the right decisions for themselves. 

Below are some examples of outfits that some make take issue with that I’ve worn. These outfits were purchased through Chicme—a fashion website with great quality clothing at affordable prices. I found out about them from ads on social media and decided to give it a chance.

I’m always cautious when ordering clothing online as there are some scams out there, but believe me, Chicme is not a scam. What you see on their website is what you get. They take precautions to make sure the customer is happy.

I will say it takes a few weeks for the orders to arrive and sometimes the items come wrinkled, but the quality, look, and pricing is all worth the wait and ironing you may have to do. There are options to pay for expedited shipping. They even have a return policy where they will provide a full refund once the order is re-shipped back to them.

One way to avoid having to return an item is by double-checking your size with the website’s size chart. If you know the measurements for your bust, hips, waist, and the length you are looking for, you can choose the items you order according to these specific measurements.

I’ve ordered several dresses from the website and each one fits perfectly simply by utilizing Chicme’s size chart.

Chicme accepts 22 international currencies in the world including the U.S., Canada, and more. For questions about if they ship to your country check out their FAQ on their website. The shipping costs are also affordable. In most cases, buyers aren’t charged any additional shipping fees outside of the standard shipping cost.

I have a friend who shared that she’d been curious about purchasing with Chicme as she’d read some bad reviews. I let her know I did not have a bad experience with them. If you place an order with Chicme from this link you can get a total of 20% off. Chicme is a great place for us girls to start adorning ourselves with beautiful clothing to accentuate the beauty God has already placed inside of us.

Taking care of both our inner selves and outer selves will result in higher self-esteem, greater self-care, and better choices in men. Get Chic with me.

Tabitha Brown & Her Response to Wendy Williams Shows Us 3 Things

Tabitha Brown, a social media influencer and trained actress was the center of one of Wendy William’s recent hot topics. Tabitha recently shared how her husband and herself had an agreement that Tabitha’s husband would work as a police officer to support Tabitha’s dreams of being an actress and entrepreneur. Now that Tabitha is successful, she is retiring her husband from the police force so he can pursue his dreams. He desires to put more into his non-for-profit in coaching young people.

This is a beautiful story that was turned negative based on the experience of Wendy Williams. She’d made more than her husband and shared how they did not work out in their scenario. She assumed that Wendy will now have a rocky marriage as well. Tabitha Brown corrected Wendy setting the story straight in such a graceful way while encouraging us all that real genuine and supportive love when someone sees you and values you for you is possible. See the video below:

We should not Provide Advice Out of Our Bitterness Nor Negative Experience

It’s just that simple. When we are in a negative space about our own experience, we have to honestly work through that without putting that outcome on others. We cannot share advice out of our negative experiences as if it should be the rule for others.

God warns us of this very thing in the below scriptures:

Make every effort to live in peace with everyone and to be holy; without holiness, no one will see the Lord. 15 See to it that no one falls short of the grace of God and that no bitter root grows up to cause trouble and defile many. – Hebrews 12:14-15

Often, when we are bitter we do not realize it until someone shows us something different. Then we are awakened from our stupor of bitterness that has blinded us to only believe that one particular outcome is possible. This is why it’s so important to have a balanced community of others in our lives who can wake us up when we fall into stupors of bitterness. Tabitha did this in such a graceful manner not only preventing Wendy from continuing in her stupor of bitterness from her own experience but the millions of others watching and listening.

When God is in a Thing, He can Defy the Statistics

Yes, there is research that shows the below regarding households where women make more money than men:

• Men in those households are more likely to cheat.
• Men feel more confused about their role and contribution to the household.
• Men are often insecure and intimidated by their women making more.

Read more about married households and incomes here. While this research is true in some cases; it does not have to be true in every case. In marriages, where God is at the center; God’s grace can be the power that causes those marriages to defy the odds. God’s grace is not only his goodness toward us but also his power to accomplish the seemingly impossible. What is impossible with man is possible with God. As believers, we are to live by faith applying the principles of God’s word to our lives and marriages for those who are married. Biblical marriage is not grounded by who makes the most money, but by things like submission to one another, real genuine love that requires sacrifice—something that Tabitha shared. We have to watch our thinking as believers making sure we aren’t conforming to the standards of the world and we’ll be able to avoid some of the pitfalls of the world when we think higher and bigger according to God’s word.

via GIPHY

We Should Pray for Those Who Do Not Get it Entreating Them With Grace

Finally, the Bible warns us to pray for our enemies and those that spitefully use us. This doesn’t mean that Wendy is an enemy of Tabitha’s. Wendy’s motivation had absolutely nothing to do with Tabitha but was more so motivated by her own experience. Often, when people cut up at us out of the blue; it has nothing to do with us, but with something personal that still needs to be resolved within them. This is why it is so important for us to love our neighbors even when they are being mean, rude, or difficult for no reasonable reason. There is a reason that oftentimes has nothing to do with us. It has to do with that person’s trauma experienced in their unique situation.

God knowing this warned us to love. In doing so, we avoid causing more damage. We create a pathway to healing for them and ourselves. We heal and feel relieved and better as we pray for them. They also heal and feel relieved and better as we remind them that through all of their trauma, hardship, and negative experience they are still worthy of love and God’s best. God is so good in how he works in the dealings of man to reveal his great love. I discuss dealing with rude people further in an article called, “Does God Want Us to Put Up With Abuse?.“

Let’s take all of these wonderful lessons from Tabitha and Wendy William’s experience and apply them to our lives personally.