Perfectionists can be stressed out people because perfectionists often keep up appearances to be approved by others. They embrace the pride from their works of perfection to be accepted. When they do well, they feel good about themselves. When they fail at their efforts; they feel as if they aren’t good enough. Perfectionists have inner issues that they need to overcome to be free from the rabbit hole of perfectionism. Embracing the fact that we are humans with weaknesses can be a great start to overcome perfectionism and embrace the grace God has already set aside for our weaknesses. One of our greatest Biblical teachers and Apostles, Paul in scripture shared the below scripture as a personal lesson he’d learned from the Lord:

But he said to me, “My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.” Therefore, I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ’s power may rest on me.

2 Corinthians 2:9

He learned to embrace humility through embracing his weakness in the sight of God’s power. This is extraordinarily important in the lives of believers. As salvation does not occur by man’s ability alone, but by God’s power. Humility is required to invite God’s power not only to secure salvation but to walk in security in every area of our lives.

Are you afraid you will not measure up to God’s standard for your gift? Or are you afraid you won’t measure up in representing God in other ways? Things like your ability to practice self-control, your dress, your marriage, parenting, or being parented? We can have weaknesses in any area and through humility and looking to God experience the success we are afraid we will not measure up to.

So many Christians neglect trusting God through humility and trust their works instead. Perfectionism becomes their God and when they are successful; they feel good about themselves. When they fall; however, they fall harder because they depended on their own strength in the first place to succeed.Perfectionism is a trap. Brene’ Brown shares that perfectionism is a self-destructive and addictive belief. It is practiced to avoid shame and to gain the approval of others. Perfectionism keeps up the appearance of being perfect, but none of us are perfect. We are only human. Humans make mistakes. Humility allows us to be compassionate toward ourselves and to love ourselves through our imperfections.

I love the saying that says:

Work like it all depends on you, but also pray like it all depends on God.

-Anonymous

I’m not teaching imbalance here. I don’t want anyone to walk away and say to themselves. They’ll no longer put any effort into offering their best. That isn’t what I am saying at all. After all, scripture tells us faith without works is dead.

What I am saying is don’t be so hard on yourself and others that hardcore perfectionism is what you lean on to meet the status quo. The status quo isn’t always God’s status quo. Sometimes, it’s a group of people’s status quo for themselves that isn’t rooted in a balanced interpretation of scripture. In other cases, a person’s maturity level has not bought them to a place of fruit in Christ yet.

Whatever the case may be, being too hard on ourselves with perfectionism shows a dependence on ourselves. It’s another form of pride. Pride is often the precursor to a fall that takes place because someone relied on their own strength or ability too much.

Pride goes before destruction, a haughty spirit before a fall.

Proverbs 16:18

Embracing humility, on the other hand, leans on God. Someone who embraces humility embraces the fact they are weak in various areas. The result is receiving God’s grace for their weakness. This is how we all make it in Christ. It isn’t because we’ve worked so hard and have never made any mistakes.

We all have sinned and fallen short of God’s standard for our lives. This is why we embrace Christ and what he did for us in paying the penalty for our shortcomings. We know we could not do this on our own.
The Bible is clear. God gives his grace to the humble not the prideful:

But he gives us more grace. That is why Scripture says: “God opposes the proud but shows favor to the humble.”

James 4:6

A final reason it’s so important for believers to embrace humility as a way of life is because we are the examples God’s left in the world for men to begin to know Christ. If our example is perfectionism to the world, how will they know they can also be saved?

Perfectionism and religious pride are one way to stand in the way of sinners as God warns against in Psalms 1. Many sinners outside of Christ already feel alienated from God. Some struggle to believe that salvation in Christ could be a path for them as they do not feel they measure up.

Many feel as though they have to have a level of perfection before they come to Christ when all that’s required is genuine faith and humility toward God. God works with us where we are at. He allows us to become sanctified through a process of getting to know him. If we were more honest about our struggles and how we’ve overcome them; perhaps more would follow our example.

When we receive God’s grace we can better give ourselves grace embracing humility and avoid the pitfalls of perfectionism.

The Bible talks about the deceitfulness of riches and its ability to choke the Word of God out of us. At that point, the Word of God is no longer our focus, but other things that we deem more important.

But the worries of this life, the deceitfulness of riches, and the desires for other things come in and choke the word, making it unfruitful.

– Mark 4:19

What are riches?

Riches are defined as the total of one’s property, wealth, sustenance, and net worth. Riches are necessary to function in this world. With them, we buy goods, services, and other needs.

Is having wealth bad?

Riches in and of themselves aren’t bad. It’s how we view the riches that can make it bad. Riches can create an illusion that everything is accessible simply by riches and thus other things that riches cannot buy aren’t useful. Things like character, love, and humility. Riches can very easily make one feel as though he has it all together. It’s important to have monetary riches as it answers all things as the Bible says:

A feast is made for laughter, and wine makes merry, but money answers all things. – Ecclesiastes 10:19

Someone with money can hire the best doctors, nutritionists, personal trainers, chefs, and live a long time. Whereas a poorer man may fall victim to certain illnesses more common to the lifestyle of someone poor who cannot afford as much. Money and riches definitely make a huge difference, but there are some things financial riches will not be able to resolve.

These things require humility and trust outside of one’s wealth. The illusion created by money that makes it deceitful is believing that’s all there is. Having money and wealth is the height and there is no need for anything else.

If riches aren’t bad what makes it deceitful?

People who are deceived by riches place their trust in their money and not in God. Mark 4 lets us know the seed of the Word of God gets planted into a man’s heart and there are different soils of our heart that the Word of God can either grow on producing fruit. Or, the Word of God can be choked or stunted not producing fruit in one’s life.

This is the illusion of the deceitfulness of riches. Deceit means a lie. More specifically, it means, “the act of causing someone to accept as true or valid what is false or invalid (Merriam Webster.”) Someone deceived by riches believes they no longer need the Word of God. They forget the path of humility and God’s hand of goodness promoting them to such a point of wealth.

This is why the Bible says it is difficult for a rich man to enter into the kingdom of heaven. A person deceived by riches is often prideful and doesn’t see the need to humble themselves to access various things in the kingdom of God that are only accessed through humility.

The Bible is clear that except we walk in humility as children we will in no wise inherit the kingdom of heaven.

What can someone who has been deceived by riches do?

The great thing is God is good! He allows various seasons to come into our lives that humble us bringing us back to our need for him. There is a story in the Old Testament about a King named Asa. He was a righteous king who sought the Lord. As Asa grew in riches, favor, and notoriety with his neighboring kings; he began to withdraw his trust from the Lord.

Instead, he began to replace his trust in the Lord with trust in riches. He can be seen in scripture paying off kings to rally with him to fight other nations. Previously, he’d sought the Lord about fighting other nations.

The Lord sent a prophet to king Asa to correct him. A judgment from God was pronounced on Asa saying from now on Asa will be at war because he felled to seek the Lord. Later, Asa fell victim to a foot disease, and even with the disease, he did not seek the Lord. He only sought help from what his riches could bring him calling for physicians.

We see one of the gravest mistakes in trusting in riches is seeking what it can do for you above what the Lord can do for us. The Bible says it’s God’s good pleasure to give us the kingdom. God has things for us that money cannot buy.

God is so good that he allows different seasons in our lives that allow us to go up and down with the pains and joys of life. The hope is that we would remember to seek and acknowledge the Lord in all seasons of our lives. It seems obvious to seek the Lord when we are down and out with no other options. However, when we are rich in the enjoyment of life we sometimes forget like King Asa.

The humble reminders work as a tool to bring us back to ourselves. Ourselves, simply put, are people in need of God. If no other season is so obvious as a need to seek the Lord it’s when we are down.

Perhaps the even-flow of things going so well during our richest seasons has convinced some of us that we no longer need God like Asa. Let’s examine our hearts when things are going well. Let’s ensure that we humble ourselves always keeping before us our need for God.

Being thankful and Remembering to Seek the Lord in all of Our Ways will Protect Us from the Deceitfulness of Riches

The following suggestions will help in avoiding the deceitfulness of riches: maintaining a posture of thankfulness and gratefulness, being open to correction, fasting and prayer, and keeping a consistent routine of seeking the Lord in all of our ways. We can help others achieve success who aren’t on our level yet but are willing to do the work to be someday as another way to remain grateful. If we continue in these things we will continue to bring forth fruit in our lives that riches cannot produce.

Looking to Jesus the author and Finisher of our faith!

Like many, I just got the news that Meagan Good Husband, Devon Franklin filed for divorce from Meagan Good. Of course, I am shocked as many of us single folk in the body of Christ looked up to Meagan and Meagan Good Husband, Devon. They were a primary example of hope for Black Love when seeking to honor God.

Here are a few things to remember as it relates to marriage, relationships, and divorce that can help us to stay in a place of hope without placing a false burden on Meagan Good Husband, Devon, and Meagan to be our gods of singleness who alone bare the burden of hope for a healthy marriage.

Just because we marry in Christ doesn’t mean we will be exempt from Divorce

Marriage is difficult in of itself and marriage in the entertainment industry has its own set of challenges. These things aren’t an excuse to give up, but in the end, sometimes marriage doesn’t work out for a couple. The Bible sites a primary reason marriage results in divorce. Due to the hardness of a man’s heart, many marriages result in divorce.

The hardness of the heart is the result of experiencing a hard thing over and over again with no resolution in sight. There are two options for this situation—endure and depend on God’s grace to forgive and love the person despite or run away from the situation resulting in a divorce.

Most people choose the latter because it’s easier. I cannot judge anyone who makes either choice as I’ve never been in that situation myself, but I have watched the example of others in like situations. I’ve seen both sides where some have endured and others have divorced. I do believe God’s grace is sufficient for either situation.

We need to process our feelings about this divorce and remember that Meagan Good husband, Devon, and Meagan are human beings in the process. Although, God used them to encourage many single believers toward abstinence until marriage and other helpful tools; they need encouragement and prayers too. Whatever the reason was for the divorce filing; let’s keep the both of them in prayer.

Let’s also pray for those who were encouraged by them as we all process this together. Our best bet is to continue in what we know–which is to depend on Christ in every area of our lives including our romantic lives. God still has marriages that stick together. God still has marriages that will stand the test of time. It takes two people going in the same direction sacrificing their lives to some degree for the greater good of the commitment of marriage which is still to be held in high regard.

After establishing who we are as single believers and walking out our process of wholeness, we need to have a clear vision of what we want in a spouse. For single Christian women, I share 9 characteristics of a godly man to look for while dating. I’d like to add that for us women, we must embody the characteristics we are looking for as well. This article is for those who have been doing the work to become the best version of themselves.

Does your godly man have an intimate relationship with God?

This is one of the most important and foundational things to look for. If a guy shares that he is a Christian; don’t be afraid to be curious and ask questions. You may ask something like, “when did you decide to give your life to Christ?” How did that come about? Or, when did you get serious about your relationship with Christ? You’re in a process of exploring. This is fun! You’ll get to know his story in a fun and non-interview type of way. The conversation should just flow.

At the same time, you’re learning about the depth and richness of his relationship with God. You’ll also learn whether it is surface, deep or brand new. Having a genuine and intimate relationship with God is so helpful as the Holy Spirit and the Word of God assist with the relationship. Also, this type of person may be more open to correction and support from other believers that can walk with you through the relationship.

Does he embody the character of a godly man by showing humility?

Humility is a breeding ground for growth. It’s the willingness to have a realistic view of one’s self. Our view of ourselves should not be too high or too low. It should be honest. This means we know we do not have all of the answers. We understand we are still learning and growing daily. We are willing to humble ourselves and listen to others. We realize we aren’t always right.

Humility is an open door in connecting with people. People want to connect with someone who values what they have to share. A prideful person on the other hand is self-absorbed. It’s all about him and his image. Prideful people are often hard to connect with as they build up walls keeping people out who disagree with them. Humble people know how to navigate in the uncomfortable spaces in life by just being. They aren’t trying to put on a show to impress people.

This is a great dynamic to have in a relationship as your voice will always be valued by a man of humility. A man of humility will be self-actualized in seeking wise counsel as well instead of assuming he has it all figured out.

Does your godly man submit himself to accountability?

What does his community look like? Does he submit himself to wise counsel? Does he have other godly men in his life modeling healthy relationships who can pour into him? Does he realize the importance of this? Is he just caught up in the cycle of surviving? Some men aren’t bad. They just simply have not learned or considered certain things. The conversation is key in evaluating a potential partner. What a man does with the conversation after he leaves the conversation is just as important.

If you date a man who has not considered the idea of accountability, observe what he does with the conversation. Does he bring it up to you again saying that made sense? Does he also begin to seek that out on his own? Is he consistent with healthy community and accountability after seeking it out on his own? These could be good signs that he simply just never thought about the idea, but now realizes the importance of it all. Don’t avoid the voice of the Holy Spirit when someone is taking on a new healthy trait. We want to have peace that it isn’t just being done for us, but him as well. It’s also important that he takes accountability for when he is wrong owning up and making corrections.

Does he love himself?

It is so important that the man we commit our lives to has a healthy relationship with himself. It should be obvious from the decisions he makes that he loves himself. He should not place himself in harmful situations devaluing his life. For example, he should not be involved in things like gang life. He should not abuse himself with substances not caring for his body. He should consistently invest in himself by exercising, eating healthy, and growing emotionally, mentally, and spiritually.

A man who intentionally cares for himself will intentionally care for others especially his future wife. See Ephesians 5. The contrary should be an immediate red flag. A man will need healthy spaces to share his insecurities and vulnerabilities. Look for healthy friendships that embody safety and wisdom for the potential beau.

Ask about how he handles difficult situations as the conversations get more serious. You want to know that he has safe spaces to run instead of unhealthy vices. Men who do not have healthy places to process pain and insecurity often abuse themselves and their women. You do not want to become the vice for a man’s dysfunction. You were not made to be abused, but to be a help-mate. This means that you come alongside him and walk with him. You cannot walk with someone abusing you, however.

Does he have a vision and does he execute his vision?

This is not a requirement for him to be perfect or have everything figured out. We all are walking out various processes figuring things out. Does he have a template or blueprint in his mind of where he wants to go? Is he taking real steps to get there? There is something that we teach in my field of work called SMART goals. A SMART goal is specific, measurable, attainable, realistic, and time-bound. This means there needs to be some concrete evidence of the vision that your potential beau is speaking of. If he doesn’t put in any actionable steps that can be measured over a period of time; he may not be serious about his vision.

Does your potential beau display the characteristic of a godly man called discipline?

What is the specific evidence that shows your potential suitor is disciplined? Does he purchase everything he wants right away with no preparation for the future? Has he had a period of remaining single and walking in discipline sexually?

Can he delay gratification for the reward that will be yielded in his future? What is the evidence that shows your potential is disciplined? How does he treat you? Does he respect your boundaries? Does he make excuses for having no self-control? If we have gone through a process with the Lord to go on to maturity in this area—we know our counterparts can do the same. A developed lifestyle of discipline shows a readiness to steward well. It may not be that a gentleman is a bad person if he lacks discipline. He just may not be ready to steward a season of dating.

Does he possess a diligent work ethic that models stability?

There is a lot of talk about men making six figures nowadays. However, it isn’t the dollar amount that a man is currently bringing in as much as it is the work ethic. A diligent work ethic with a well-executed plan will always engender more than enough. More than enough if what we need. This is part of the abundant life Christ died for us to have. However, we have to be disciplined enough to build financial stability.

A man needs to make room for a woman in his life. Thus, he will need to have a stable place to stay with the capacity to support himself, his future wife, and his children. Life happens to everyone and sometimes men fall on hard times. God has a promise in his word as it relates to this for men who are willing to take on the responsibility of a wife. God wants men while offering their best to trust him to provide stability and sustenance during unstable times. God’s favor is a guaranteed promise to men who take on the responsibility of a wife. However, a man will need to be wise enough to take advantage of this gift.

Is your godly man respectful?

Is your gentleman respectful? How does he treat others? Does he respect everyone or only those who can do something for him? This is a general rule. Does he respect authority or is he always pushing the limits? Every human being is worthy of respect. A person of respect should have boundaries set for themselves that they will not cross over with people. A pattern of disrespect can be a red flag. Even if he isn’t disrespectful toward you, he can be one day. Some people know how to play the role until they get what they want.

Does he operate out of honesty?

There is freedom that comes with honesty. That freedom allows trust to be built and the relationship to flourish. On the contrary, there is a nagging of distrust that comes with dishonesty. Any dishonesty in the relationship must be dealt with to get to the root of where the dishonesty is coming from. Dr. Henry Cloud shared that some people lie out of fear and self-protection while others lie out of a dishonest character.

The latter is done for selfish motives and should never be tolerated while the other can be resolved if the person is willing to grow. Read “Boundaries in Dating” and get the help of your community, therapist, or counselor to determine if you are dealing with a dishonest person versus someone who made a one-time mistake out of fear.

Don’t forget the simple things like kindness and the ability to give and receive love. Just because a man is spiritual or religious doesn’t mean he is a good catch. Examine the fruit. You will know the tree by the fruit it bears.

What are some characteristics you’d share to look for in a godly man? Leave your responses in the comments below.

Great News! Intercession For a Generation is featured in the top 15 blogs for Christian Singles on Feedspot. Click their link for other Christian Singles blogs and other online resources within their online directory.

What does Proverbs 18:22 really mean? This scripture has been drilled into women by religious leaders and teachers causing bondage. The teachings of this scripture have over-emphasized a mindset of women taking a passive role in the forming of a relationship. The teachings have even gone as far as to accuse women of being easy sexually if any type of effort is put forth in showing interest in a man.

These bad interpretations could not be further from the truth. Finally, these teachings have given men a pass to just find a woman and expect her to be open to a gentleman just because he has shown interest. The truth is a healthy and whole woman needs to properly evaluate a man using discernment. She should not be desperate or open to committing to anything just because a man took the lead in pursuing.

Many women are so full of low self-esteem that they simply wait for a man to show interest. They put all of their eggs in one basket once interest is shown forgetting they have a choice. They try to make it work with the gentleman who showed interest because it’s so rare that we are pursued by someone we like. A woman could very easily see the current pursuit as her only chance at love.

A mindset of desperation is birthed and women often overlook red flags trying to force something to work in this way. This is terrible teaching that puts women in bondage. We have to grow up as women and begin to walk in maturity because this isn’t it. Let’s break down what the scripture really means.

He who finds a wife finds what is good and receives favor from the LORD.

– Proverbs 18:22

I believe the scripture means exactly what it says. When a man finds a woman who has been developed into having the character of a wife, it isn’t a bad thing, but instead, it’s a good thing. Not only is it a good thing, but the man who is willing to take on the responsibility of a wife seeing it as a good thing will have favor.

Favor: The support or approval of someone (Cambridge Dictionary.)

There is intimidation that sometimes comes over a man when considering taking on the responsibility of a wife and the children birthed from the relationship. There are questions, such as will I be able to provide? Will we have enough? Will she respect me as a man if I fail? God is simply giving a promise to the man reassuring him that he will not fail in his endeavor of taking on a wife and family because God’s favor will support him. The man will thus not be on his own, but God’s favor will be with him.

This is also proven in the fact that men who marry typically live longer than men who do not marry. God’s favor with the husband even grants longer life in many cases.

Single women should find encouragement in the scripture knowing their value as women of character who make good wives is an asset. This is something to be celebrated. This isn’t something we should loathe over and feel the need to try hard to get men to see us as something good. Us just being us is enough. Developing into beautiful women who become our best selves is enough. We should not have a mindset of desperation. Instead, we should have a mindset of confidence.

Why be confident? Because God is with us and God is covering us. We should be at rest. Thus, this scripture should not be preached to shame women for desiring a husband—or positioning ourselves in places to be noticed by a potential husband. As long as our trust rests in the Lord to supply the needs a husband would meet in our lives—there is nothing wrong with us positioning ourselves. Positioning ourselves is then done out of confidence and not desperation, shame, fear, or manipulation.

The old way of teaching in the church implies a woman should ignore a gentleman almost to pretend he doesn’t exist. In this scenario, most of the burden to find a healthy relationship falls on the man—while the woman is absolved of all responsibility in forming a relationship. This would provide the appearance of being spiritually mature and a suitable partner because a man is supposed to, “find” us.

The word find in this scripture however means to simply discover, happen upon, to meet. This implies that the woman must come into contact with a gentleman who would be a suitor for her, and the man has to likewise come into contact with her.

There are no specific rules in scripture as to how this encounter must occur. There is common wisdom in the book of Proverbs in scripture that says, “He that has friends must first show himself friendly (Proverbs 18:24.”)

How can a woman position herself to be found? She needs to develop a disposition of friendliness. I love vocabulary’s definition of friendliness below:

“Friendliness is a quality of openness and warmth that makes you feel welcome and at ease.

– Vocabulary.com

This friendliness disposition is developed in us accepting ourselves and being open to others accepting us. It’s shown in how we carry ourselves, facial expressions, our openness to communicate and more. This open aroma of friendliness and acceptance is inviting to a man at peace with himself. If we are placing ourselves in places where men are; eventually, they will begin to notice us and pursue us.

We do not want to pursue a man as traditionally a man likes to pursue a woman and the woman likes to be pursued. We want to be sure a man wants us; so, we cannot do the role traditionally reserved for them. This doesn’t mean we cannot show interest in a man such as dropping gentle cues by smiling, making eye contact, and providing genuine compliments.

Most of the work we do will be work on ourselves as it relates to developing socially, emotionally, physically, spiritually, and mentally. All while enjoying life and going places where both women and men show up.

As we are approached while maintaining a disposition of friendliness, we should react kindly to each gentleman even if we aren’t physically attracted to him. We don’t have to date him or provide our number if there is no attraction, but we can be cordial, warm, and gracefully decline.

While out at an event such as a mixer or networking event there is nothing wrong with simply striking up a conversation related to whatever the event is. This is a nice, unassuming way to show interest in a man. If we are smiling and being our normal friendly selves, this can open the door for him to pursue. If he doesn’t pursue after giving the normal cues of eye contact, warm conversation, and smiles; he isn’t interested. Simply let it go. Remember you are enough and the man who sees your value as a wife for himself will pursue.

We want to be in the business of being open to a man, but not pursuing a man. If we come across someone that we have a crush on in our day to day lives, we can see he has good character, and we are genuinely interested in him; there is nothing wrong with asking if he is seeing someone or sharing that we’d like to get to know him further if he’s single. This often brings clarity to the relationship and keeps us out of imagining we’re in a relationship with someone who doesn’t see us in that way. You will find out the truth in this instance and it will set you free from the distraction that is often involved with liking someone and not getting clarity on how they feel. If he is interested in you let him take the lead.

Allow him to do what a man is supposed to do. Your role as a woman is to evaluate his character and not to go all-in prematurely. You are hoping to get to know him. Your mind should not be made up. Temper yourself. If he doesn’t pursue or he shares he is seeing someone; let it go. Never pursue a man. Remember you are worth it and there is someone out there for you.

Women who are in bondage may feel as though they are breaking a religious law for asking if he is seeing someone based on how Proverbs 18:22 has been taught in the church. However, this is not the case. The scripture never shared that a woman doesn’t have a voice, choice, or influence. Being clear and communicating with a man doesn’t mean you are easy or out of order. It means you are growing in the area of communication with others.

In summary, Proverbs 18:22 is more of a promise to the man and a compliment to the woman’s value. Let’s challenge each other as believers not condemning one another and adding things to scripture that were never communicated. This only creates fear, stagnation, and bondage. Everyone’s story of how they come together will be different. Don’t put a limit on how God will bring you into the company of a man who will love and pursue you. Stay open, stay friendly, keep loving yourself, and honoring God and his wisdom will lead you.

What are your thoughts on what Proverbs 18:22 means? Please, share in the comments below?

Where can devout Christian single women find Single Christian men of God to date? This is the question on every dating and relationship platform. The idea of readily available Christian women who cannot find readily available Christian men. The answer is always the same when we hear from the brothers. They share that men of God are everywhere. Just like women of God go out and kick it with their girls, or have dope hobbies they participate in; Men do the same things.

I believe as Christians we can sometimes get caught up in limiting mindsets that keep us stuck in unbelief. Case and point, the lack of belief that there are quality single Christian men available. Or, the mindset that we have to meet a quality man at a Christian event, or else it isn’t God. Finally, the limiting mindset that dating or putting ourselves out there to meet people is somehow sinful.

The truth is we may not meet a single Christian man at a church, a Christian conference, a Christian concert, or a Christian poetry set. Many of the Christian labeled events have primarily women there. A good number of the balanced single Christian men there are already married, and some of the single Christian men just aren’t checking for us at those events for whatever reason.

Just because the man who is for us isn’t at the places we expect doesn’t mean he isn’t out there. He’s out there. I have strong faith and believe that the processing that I’ve had to endure in my personal development to become a confident woman of God who is ready for marriage was not in vain. I’m encouraged when I meet men on their journey who are likewise developing and sincerely seeking the Lord as well.

Focus on Getting to Know People Instead of the Pressure of Dating:

Most recently, I met a gentleman on his journey at a cocktail bar. There was an event planned for African American people to network with one another. I just so happened to sit next to him on the barstool and start talking. Turns out, he is a passionate man of God who loves mentoring younger men and boys through the sport of basketball.

He talked about how he is at a place in his life where he is seeking God for what is next for him. He was very respectful and listened well. He even covered my tab before he left. It was like an impromptu date all from me getting out of the house and attending an event around a subject of interest.

It’s small connections like that that can very easily lead to life-long connections. So, get rid of the mindset that you have to meet a man in a Christian space. Christians are everywhere. Cast your net of connection wide by putting yourself out there and communicating with strangers of the opposite sex.

It doesn’t have to lead to dating or a relationship. It could just be to connect with another human being. In the meantime, you are growing in your social skills and communication skills while being encouraged by the like-minded brothers out there.

Don’t Let Fear Hold You Back:

I understand that there is a fear that if we meet someone outside of a Christian space that they may not be a Christian or someone we’d be equally yoked with. However, a conversation is just a conversation. Take the pressure off of yourself and just have conversations with people that you meet. Here is what the Bible says about fear:

Cast your bread upon the waters,

For you will find it after many days.

Give a serving to seven, and also to eight,

For you do not know what evil will be on the earth.

If the clouds are full of rain,

They empty themselves upon the earth;

And if a tree falls to the south or the north,

In the place where the tree falls, there it shall lie.

He who observes the wind will not sow,

And he who regards the clouds will not reap. Ecclesiastes 11:1-4

The above scripture is a parable of an opportunity for someone to take a risk by sowing in different areas, but due to fear and observing what could go wrong the person may choose not to sow. See verse. 4 where it states, “He that observes the wind will not sow and he that regards the clouds will not reap.” What does this mean?

If we allow ourselves only to meditate on what could go wrong and thus, we limit ourselves to not stepping out in faith and or limiting our faith to only one area; we may not get what we are believing God for after all. God wants us to move in faith. He wants us to trust and believe what he has for us is out there even though we aren’t sure how it will come to pass.

How about instead of moving in fear of placing ourselves out there; we decide to trust God regarding people we meet wherever we meet them at? After all, just because we meet someone in a Christian space doesn’t mean they’re Christian. It just makes us feel more comfortable because Christian spaces are normally where we find Christians.

What if God’s promise of your godly spouse is outside of your comfort zone? Here’s my suggestion: Make a list of all of the things you love to do. If you love live music, add that and so on. Next, make a list of places to go that have your favorite type of live music. If you like playing games, perhaps you can look for hip spots with game nights. If you love business, look for hip spots with business networking events. If Karaoke or singing is your jam, look for places to do that.

These are spaces where both guys and girls will normally be. Go out by yourself or maybe with one girlfriend and mingle and meet people. Like with my experience, you’ll be encouraged to meet men of God. Continue to rely on the Holy Spirit seeking him regarding everything. Continue meditating on God’s word to stay strong in the Lord. You’ll have more opportunities for temptation as you talk with more people of the opposite sex. You want to continue making wise choices led by God and this is why a healthy and whole well-grounded person should be dating not someone looking for the dating pool to heal them.

Don’t limit yourself to in-person events. You can use dating apps, visit new restaurants, parks, events. The idea is to diversify. The more you get out there the more people you’ll meet and the more chances you’ll have at meeting someone special who thinks you are special too. Remember God has given you the ability to navigate even though you may feel fear (2 Timothy 1:7.) Trust him.

Disclaimer: Some may be uncomfortable going to a bar. I suggest you follow your convictions and the Holy Spirit. You do not have to drink alcohol at a bar and you do not have to get drunk if you do drink alcohol. If drinking has been a source of instability for you in the past; feel free to avoid the bar.

Also, be careful of the type of bar you attend as some bars may not be safe. You’ll want to be aware of the neighborhood. Look at reviews online and try to visit bars with specific purposes going on such as Karaoke, Comedy, Live Music, etc. I like the classier bars when visiting a bar as they tend to be safer. Finally, get referrals from friends of nice places to visit with people around your age. Normally, those within your network can share if a place is typically safe or not.

What does projecting onto someone mean?

It is interesting how being in bondage makes others feel comfortable while walking in freedom can trigger others making them feel the opposite. People see the result of your process to freedom, but they do not see your struggle as you humbly worked your way through your own personal process. Have you ever experienced someone making you the target of their personal pain and issues instead of dealing with the cause of their pain and issues? I have. This is how someone begins projecting onto someone—when someone projects their issues of how they feel onto you as if you are responsible for it when you are not. This is a trap to distract and discourage you from your progress and to pull you back down into a place of bondage.

Let’s look at King David in the Bible who dealt with this regarding King Saul. David went through his process as a shepherd of sheep. He worked diligently in an isolated place. He was despised and discarded to be nothing more than the shepherd of the sheep. His brothers made fun of him. He was not taken seriously by others due to his youth and he was not preferred when Samuel came to his home looking for a king. God had to speak to Samuel to convince him not to judge David by how he appeared, but by his heart.

You see David had been doing the inner work of the heart in secret with the Lord. This is how he became so strong and confident in the Lord. Saul saw him while he was a bold victor over Goliath. He did not see him while he was in the obscure place of being processed and developed. Saul’s insecurity was triggered when the women compared him to a boy and he felt he’d come out lacking. This is where David became the object of Saul’s focus. Instead of Saul dealing with his own insecurities doing his own personal work in private; he projected his insecurity onto David seeking to kill him. Harming another person on their journey will not help our healing journey. Taking personal responsibility for our healing journey will help our healing journey.

How Did David Respond to All of This?

David responded in humility. David humbled himself and continued to work for King Saul as a musician until he felt it too dangerous to stay. Then he began to run and hide. During this process, he never spoke ill of King Saul because he respected him as God’s anointed as well. He did not see him any lower than he saw himself. Instead, he loved and respected him like himself. This is another assumption of those who project is that they assume that you see them in a particular way that you do not. They are struggling with how they see themselves and need to take a step back and deal with building themselves up.

Our response should be:

Remain Humble

Like David, when someone projects their issues onto us we need to remain humble. Our understanding in realizing it isn’t about us aids in our ability to remain humble. We may be emphatic in sharing, “I can understand how you feel that way” before we remove ourselves. Humility also requires us not taking on personal insults or attacks aimed at us. This means not clapping back. Taking it to God in prayer to release it or talking it out with another friend or someone of understanding to release the negative energy the projector is slinging. God provided David a friend in Saul’s son—Jonathan. David was still able to find some peace and solace in dealing with this issue even though he did not cause it.

A man’s insight (understanding) gives him patience; it is to one’s glory to overlook an offense.

– Proverbs 19:11 (NIV)

Remove Ourselves from Their Attacks

Because we realize it isn’t about us, we have to quickly remove ourselves from the line of fire so we do not act out of our flesh and go off on the person. After all, we are only human and can only take so much. A psychologist suggests removing ourselves by saying this is not about me. Thus, immediately placing the responsibility where it belongs on the projector in hopes he/she will realize he/she is projecting onto someone and take ownership. Many times, when someone is projecting onto someone, he/she doesn’t realize that is what he/she is doing.

Pray for Them to Take Responsibility

The Bible calls us to pray for our enemies and those who despitefully use us. The projector may not be an enemy, but they see you as an enemy in their mind. The problem isn’t you; however, but their lack of taking personal responsibility to deal with themselves and their own healing. Each of us has to own our own stuff. We have to own our experiences and choices that led to our experiences even when we did not do anything wrong to cause the experience. It is still our responsibility to heal. This means going to therapy, praying, journaling, fasting, intentionally placing ourselves within healthy and godly community.

These are the things that all who are healed had to do and the things that those who project need to do. After you pray for them don’t worry about them. It isn’t your responsibility. You keep learning and growing and living your life to your fullest potential. David’s potential was to become king. He at the right time walked into it as the projection, rejection, and all that he’d faced prepared him for God’s promise. Don’t allow someone else to get you into bitterness, fights, or quarrels due to their lack of responsibility. Keep your focus on God’s promises and honor God by continuing in humility.

Singleness presents 3 tests that we must overcome to walk in wholeness as single believers. Facing these challenges like Jesus did in Luke 4 will give us the tools needed to see our current situation properly and walk in confidence that God is faithful to keep his promises to us as singles.

Singleness provides the test of Proving Ourselves

Singleness provides the temptation to prove our worthiness for love. We’re tempted to prove that there’s nothing wrong with us. We aren’t single because we’re not easy to get along with or unbeautiful, but for other things like purpose, the gift of singleness, and God’s providence.

Some singles take this to an extreme changing themselves to what they feel will make them more acceptable or suitable for love. However, there is a fine line between being humble enough to make any necessary growth adjustments, as we all need to grow, and not being firm in our identity while in the state of singleness.

Someone who isn’t secure in their identity will always give in to the temptation to prove themselves. Proving ourselves to others is really a sign that we are still trying to convince ourselves of who we are. God doesn’t want us to question who we are, our worth, value, and worthiness to be loved.

God wants us to simply rest in him. He wants us to rest in the fact that we belong to him. He wants us to rest in the fact that we were made enough. He wants us to rest in the fact that we aren’t missing anything because we’re single. We’re not somehow part of the “not good enough to marry crew.”

Some things are intentional by God to get his glory in our lives. God has some that he has called to remain single for himself until he decides to provide someone for us. In the meantime, we grow. We grow into beautifully mature believers who provide a fragrance of glory toward the Lord as we show God’s power to keep us, develop us, and grow us for his purpose.

A lack of rest in this breeds instability and double-mindedness which we will discuss further in our next section. Jesus was also tempted to prove himself, but proving ourselves seems silly when we know who we are. We simply rest and abide in the identity God has called us to walk in. Some will accept it and others will not. Don’t let those who will not be your problem. Resolve how you see yourself for yourself. Like Jesus, you’ll continue walking out God’s purpose for your life.

The devil said to him, “If you are the Son of God, tell this stone to become bread.” Jesus answered, “It is written: ‘Man shall not live on bread alone, but every word from God.’

Luke 4:3-4

Jesus, in the above scripture, was tempted to prove himself to his adversary—Satan, but he resisted the temptation by resisting the devil and continuing to submit to his Father—God. This is how we ought to handle those ungodly thoughts and accusations that come at us for being single. We are to resist them and continue submitting to God and his Word over us.

Finally, the temptation to prove ourselves places the full earnest on us to bring to pass what God has promised—if God has promised us a spouse. Thus, rejecting the help that comes from the plan of God. This is dangerous especially with something so serious as marriage. We want God’s help and leading when it comes to uniting with a spouse. We should do what is within our power to do and simply trust God with the rest. Doing what is within our power includes healing, learning, growing, and being open to meeting new people while practicing discernment.

Avoiding Making an Idol of Marriage & Compromising for a Relationship

There is so much pressure to get married. We hear about marriage often in church. Some men are discouraged from being pastors if they aren’t married. Some singles believe they cannot be disciplined sexually without a marriage partner. Marriage is looked at by some as the cure-all to all of our problems—loneliness, money problems, childhood issues, lack of sexual control, and more. The truth is marriage exposes those problems more and requires a mature partner willing to commit to sticking it out until the end despite their partner. However, today this is less common as divorce has become more common.

It’s important to have a realistic idea of marriage knowing that it will not solve all of our problems. In fact, there may be more problems that one has to deal with in a marriage because there will be another imperfect person that one will have to become one with. If that person has not dealt with their issues before marriage; you will become the recipient and co-laborer with him/her and his/her issues.

When we have a more realistic idea of marriage, we are more patient in our desire for marriage. We invest into ourselves more during the single season to bring the least baggage to the table during marriage and hopefully the partner we choose is doing the same.

When we make an idol out of marriage; however, we avoid the process of growth and maturity during singleness. We often make decisions on our own compromising our standards due to impatience and disbelief that God can provide a marriage partner suitable for us.

Jesus Christ was to be the recipient of all of the kingdoms of the world. He was to be highly exalted that at the name of Jesus every knee should bow and every tongue confesses that Jesus is Lord. Satan sought to expedite this process by taking Jesus to the highest pinnacle in the wilderness and showing him all of the kingdoms of the world. He agreed to provide these to Jesus, “now.” If only Jesus would bow down and worship him.

The devil led him up to a high place and showed him in an instant all the kingdoms of the world. And he said to him, “I will give you all their authority and splendor: it has been given to me, and I can give it to anyone I want. If you worship me, it will all be yours.”

Jesus answered, “It is written: ‘Worship the Lord your God and serve him only.’

Luke 4:5-8

Jesus passed the second test to worship Satan to get what had already been promised to him. We see later that Jesus was highly exalted and his name continues to be exalted today, but Jesus had to walk out his process of fulfilling each prophesy and dying on the cross for our sins. The middle part before his exaltation was important. Instead of Jesus focusing on the end goal; he focused on humility. Thus, accomplishing the end goal at the right time and with the most powerful impact for not only himself but all men.

What will be your response when Satan tempts you to make an idol out of something God has already promised you? Will you endure your time in the wilderness? The wilderness is a dry lonely place where dependence on God and trust in God’s word is required to survive it. Development before promotion happens in the wilderness. The wilderness is where everything is tested that you ever believed and you have to stand on what you believe often without tangible proof. You stand on God’s word in this place and recall God’s character as true and faithful despite your circumstance.

Will you allow the process of the wilderness to make you humble like Christ? Or will you make an idea out of what you desire compromising God’s word to attain it? Don’t take the bait to compromise who you are or what God has commanded you?

Many women compromise their bodies during this test to get or keep a man. It’s okay to endure the embarrassment and humility of having a man leave you because you are not giving it up. It’s okay to have a man speak ill of you because you are not giving it up. It’s okay to be ghosted by a man or men by women because you are holding true to God’s word. This is all a part of the process. Allow it to make you humble and keep trusting in God. The humility is preparing you for the process that like Jesus will not only impact you but others.

Don’t Take the Season of Singleness for Granted

Please, don’t let this time of singleness pass you by only wasting it? Those who are single are in a privileged position. We have the awesome gift of single focus or lack of distraction. This means we get to seek the Lord without distraction and God is a rewarder of those who diligently seek him. Thus, we get to discover jewels from diligently seeking the Lord that if we were distracted, we otherwise would not be privy to.

We also have single focus to direct our energy into purposes and plans by God that build up not only ourselves but others. God may show us to start a business, volunteer somewhere, or Lord knows what. The possibilities are endless. What are you doing with your single time? Don’t take it for granted. Don’t waste it in toxic unfulfilling relationships. Take the time to appreciate God’s love and the love of others God has placed around you. Build relationships with people that are not just romantic. Seek out God-honoring community.

Satan tried to get Jesus to take his position for granted as the Son of God in Luke 4. He asked Jesus to commit suicide by asking him to throw himself down from a high point of the temple. Why? Why would he do that? Really think about it. Why would we take this season for granted? It makes no sense.

The devil led him to Jerusalem and had him stand on the highest point of the temple. “If you are the Son of God,” he said, “throw yourself down from here. For it is written:

‘He will command his angels concerning you to guard you carefully; they will lift you up in their hands, so that you will not strike your foot against a stone.’

Jesus answered, “It is said: Do not put the Lord your God to the test.”

Luke 4:9-12

Instead of Jesus giving in and taking for granted he was the Son of God; he simply shared that we are not to put God to the test. This is true. We are not to test God’s goodness by placing ourselves in destructive situations to see if God will deliver us or not. No need to become entangled as a single in soul-ties, addictions and the like that robs us of our full potential during this time. Let’s be careful to walk out every process of deliverance and healing to place ourselves in the most optimal position to give our best to God in this season—and receive the fruit of this season later at the right time.

After Jesus’ test in the wilderness, he was promoted and more men began to know who he was. Remember these tests are all a part of the process. In the end, it will lead to promotion if we endure the test well holding fast to what God’s word has said.

Take my course: A Deeper Depth of Identity & Purpose: How to Embrace Who You Are

Jeremiah is the founder of Sex Can Wait a While. Sex Can Wait a While is a ministry that helps those practicing abstinence to be bold in their commitment to God and practicing abstinence until marriage. I sat down with Jeremiah, a 29-year-old man who waited until marriage for sex. I asked him some questions about his journey. The summary of our conversation is below:

How did you get started with practicing abstinence?

I was always influenced to wait until marriage. This message was not limited to my parents. My dad was a pastor and my mom grew up in church. They divorced when I was 17. I did not know that my parents were both virgins when they married. This is something I found out later. They’d never discussed that with me. I did not even receive a sex talk from them.

I always knew to wait. Someone that you’d decide to have sex with within my mind had to be my wife. It had been embedded in me. A lot of us wait because we are supposed to, but my question would be what is your why? Is there anything deeper than just because God wants us to wait? Why does God want you to wait? And why do you want to wait?

I think we have to figure out our foundation in wanting to wait. I did not figure out my real reason to wait until 25 years old. After starting Sex Can Wait a While, I was asked a question of why I was waiting and my strong reason became apparent. As a man, I am worth the wait. I am handsome. I am beautiful and valuable. Often, as Black men, we give away our flowers to a lot of women especially us Black men.

We call Black women Black queens, but what about you as a man? Brotha, you are worth just as much because you come from the same creator. I found out that I’m a treasure too. I know I’m worth the wait. I know I am going to be a gift to someone out there.

via GIPHY

I shared with Jeremiah how important that point is that he bought up about men valuing themselves and taking care of themselves just like we teach women to do. A man who values himself properly and takes care of himself well is preparing well to be a husband as the Bible teaches men in Ephesians that husbands should care for their wives as they do their bodies (Eph 5:29.)

The principle of self-care is also very important as a married person. Women as nurturers and taking care of the children and the household face a temptation to lose themselves in the role of a wife and a mother; similarly, to how a married man can lose himself in the role of providing and working. It’s so important for men to also continue to value themselves outside of just what they can provide. Traditionally, the man has identified with the role of providing, but when he loses his job in some cases he doesn’t know what to do.

When you realized your value as a man, how did you continue in the pattern of practicing self-care as a man?

Just basic stuff like being healthy. Making sure I eat the right things. These are all ways I’ve practiced self-care: eating my vegetables, visiting the dentist and doctor regularly. Men need to know what’s up with their bodies, so definitely go to the dentist and the doctor. I wanted something that I could start on my own. That is when I came up with the idea of a talk showed called, “Gentleman’s Club Talk Show.”

Me: Giggles, that sounds like a strip club. I’m glad you put the talk show part at the end.

Jeremiah: Yes, it was a talk show that talked about things about men. We discussed mental health, men and women relationships, guests, emotional intelligence, how to treat a lady. We did not discuss the stereotypical things expected of us. After that, I began a clothing brand and after the clothing brand started, God gave me the idea for Sex Can Wait a While.

For me, I did not go to college. I always longed to meet people who are successful and did not go to college. Sometimes, when everyone around you has a degree, you feel like you are missing out on something, but God allowed me to be successful without a degree. One thing that was healthy for me is accepting the fact that going to school to get a degree was not God’s pathway to success for me. There are lots of people out there without a degree who are successful.

What would you say has been most challenging waiting within a culture where men are encouraged to do what they want sexually?

Opinions from other people. I am going to be honest with you. I had no problem sharing about being a virgin or being a Christian. I was confident. A lot of times people were so focused on finding someone else like us; that they were focusing on just shining like a light. You may not ever find someone like you. Further, virgins have different views. A virgin may not be waiting until marriage. Some virgins are waiting until they find the right one.

I recently posted on Facebook that my audience would be so surprised at how many people waited until they got to the altar to have their first kiss. Many people said the idea of waiting for marriage for the first kiss was being too saved. They did not believe it and thought it was too much. I wanted to prove these people wrong. So, I decided to find a whole bunch of couples who waited to have their first kiss and prove these people wrong. When people hear certain things for the first time; it’s difficult for them to believe it and they see it as a lie. When people challenge me, I welcome it in such a way as saying, “welcome into my world.” I introduce them into not only the world of virgins, but people who are abstinent, celibate, and who believe in doing things God’s way. And people who have already done it God’s way and are continuing to do it God’s way—because purity doesn’t stop after marriage, but it continues. It isn’t just people who are believers, but we will get the most crap from believers who worship the same God.

What would you say you are most thankful for having done things God’s way?

I don’t have anyone to compare my wife to and that’s facts. Because no one has gotten a taste of her body and no one has gotten a taste of my body. And you know what sis, it’s so comfortable. You always feel security when you do things God’s way. God continues to confirm daily why my wife is the best for me. There is no comparison. I don’t want to say that it is overwhelming security, but I know I made the right choice.

How did you and your wife end up meeting?

We met on Facebook. Remember I told you I was doing the radio show. Her best friend is an actor and was doing something in the same building where I had been doing the radio show and some photography. My men’s talk show was on Facebook live and she would watch it and comment on the live. I would respond to those who commented. We just became cool afterward. We did not hit it off right away. We would talk from time to time. Later some months, I asked her when was going to be the next time she’d praise dance and I’ll come through. She sent me the flyer and I showed up. I was selling some clothes and she bought a shirt. I watched her dance and I invited her to I-hop after the concert. One of my friends hit me up asking me to go to an art gallery and I left for the art gallery with my friend.

When did you both start liking each other?

I hit her up a couple of weeks later and said I know we were supposed to hang out, but I left out. What are you doing now? We went to Outback Steakhouse after church. After that outing, we began hanging out a lot. The following January is when we began to develop feelings for one another. The event where she was praise dancing was in September of the previous year.

As a single man when you were previously waiting, what did you do when you felt the pressure of those in the church and various places against your stance on waiting?

I did not care. Honestly, I’d get mad when other people would let those things get to them, so I would encourage others. I barely heard those types of negative things around me. You know how when you are around someone you pick up on their spirit. People would pick up on my spirit and they would not bring it to me. Men know who the good dudes are and they respected that. My mindset was I am not supposed to be of this world. I’m in it, but not of it. I was not going to hang out with people who believed differently. People hung with me. If I’d hung out with the wrong people I would have been influenced by those people. I instead focused on influencing other people.

Were there times when you were single before you’d met your wife when you were lonely and how did you deal with that loneliness?

When I hear the word loneliness, I think about people being miserable. That was not me. I enjoyed my singleness. I only had two girlfriends, and when I had them, I could not wait to break up. I would be like, “God you got to get me out of this.” Those relationships weren’t what God had ordained for me. These were relationships that I’d tried to put together. It was not God. I knew they weren’t the ideal women for me.

This point that Jeremiah made is so important because we often date out of loneliness or trying to allow someone else to feel a void that needs to be left open right now. Sometimes, God wants to teach us with the void of loneliness that he is enough for us. It’s similar to Apostle Paul who prayed that God would take something away from him, but God said no—my grace is sufficient for you.

God may want us to experience how his grace is enough to keep us during our single lonely nights where we wish to be held by someone or when we want to make love to someone.

Jeremiah Speaking Again:

I still embraced my singleness in relationships. I remember God dealing with me while on the phone with one of my girlfriends. Some people find it hard to embrace their singleness while in a dating relationship. There were those asking permission of their boyfriends/girlfriends to go hang out etc. I believed that I could hang out by myself if I wanted to and did not have to ask permission.

I don’t consider myself to have had a spirit of loneliness, but there were times where I really wanted a girl. There were lots of women that I liked who did not like me back.

(Russelyn) I’ve experienced this too where a lot of men I’m interested in aren’t also interested in me either. Even on the dating apps, a lot of guys I heart do not heart back. So, I know how that is.

(Jeremiah) I had a lot of fun as a single person traveling, going wherever I wanted to go. We should not place ourselves in a box as singles. God wants us free. We place ourselves in relationships that shackle us up and when God does send the right relationship, we are afraid because we aren’t ready.

Have you ever thought to yourself, I wonder if women of God, who are waiting, go through the same things as men?

Yes. I was always excited to delve into conversation with women experiencing the same thing. There was that comradery of, “Oh Wow! You too!” I thought it was really dope. A question that I hate is, “Jeremiah where are the good men at? And where are the virgin men at?” You know why because of where the question comes from. The person who asks that question normally is coming from a bad place and not a humble place.

Meeting someone like ourselves I will say is comforting. A lot of times, people think that you should be quiet about doing things God’s way. But do you know why, “Sex Can Wait a While,” exists as a community of people who practice abstinence? It exists because I was not quiet. That is why it is a community.

I shared with Jeremiah that I believe many people needed him to share his message because many who are abstinent in the church are full of fear afraid to share their message of abstinence. Also, I shared how the church is partly responsible for this because I’ve heard several pastors preach that virgins or those who practice abstinence are perfect and holier than though. Virgins are not perfect nor holier than thou.

I have not heard a preacher preach this recently, but those who previously preached this about virgins now have daughters and I don’t think they would discourage their daughters from practicing abstinence by putting the stigma of holier than thou on them.

Have you ever been rejected by a woman due to your stance on abstinence?

Not overtly, but I do believe so. I know a lot of women picked up on what type of a guy I was. Some women I was interested in did not want this type of guy. Some women want the thug dude and I knew it. They’d say things like: “you are so sweet.’ But I’m not a thug and I knew what they were on.

Adam woke up and saw Eve and he did not have to chase her. Eve was placed where Adam was. The thing is you don’t have to fight for anybody. God made her available.

Do you believe it’s possible to be sexually disciplined as a man?

No. 1, I do believe it is possible. I got married at 36 years old as a virgin. My wife was 38 years old and still a virgin. Keep yourself off of social media if that is a distraction for you. Turn off the Pornhub. Read a book. You need something that is going to distract you from your flesh. Figure out what is the best distraction for your flesh and focus on that. Be aware of the television shows that you watch and the things you listen to. Tell someone. There is a scripture in James that says to confess our faults one to the other for healing. Tell someone what you are going through. I promise you there is someone who has already gone through what you are going through. Don’t be afraid. Get into a community group. Swallow your pride. Put your pride in your pocket.

Russelyn

Again, it is possible. That unbelief often leads people into sin. Many people will not even try to submit to God in the area of sexual sin because they don’t believe they can do it. I love bringing the scripture up that says God’s grace is sufficient for our weakness. Our flesh is weak, but the spirit is willing. Whatever area we are weak in we can look for God to show up and give us strength. That is my personal testimony as a virgin that God showed up for me. He gives me strength. So, when I get weak or horny—I look for God’s strength to show up for me so I can endure these natural desires and still honor God.

Jeremiah

No one knows the day or the hour Christ is coming back or when they’ll meet their husband/wife. The question is will you be satisfied where you are at? I do believe that if it is in your heart; you’ll be married, but the reality is it isn’t for everyone.

God wants us to mature. A lot of people aren’t mature. Women are worried about penis size and men, breast and booty size. God has more than that. That literally destroys the whole ideology of what your husband or wife should be.

Russelyn

That reminds me of these Instagram models that a lot of these men are seeking. A lot of people are saying that men are looking for a wife to look like these Instagram models who aren’t really real. They don’t really look the way they present themselves all of the time.

Jeremiah

Well, the Instagram models don’t want them. That is just a fantasy. They don’t want these men. They want the men’s money. They get paid. They are booty-girls. If you aren’t cutting a check; get out of their DMs. That isn’t God.

Russelyn

Unfortunately, some of these men will end up paying for the fact that they aren’t listening.

Jeremiah

Yes, they will pay for it and literarily pay for it.

We know that we can be virgins and be impure. What did your journey look like in getting to that place of purity and maturity in God?

I talk about this heavily in my book, Virgin Men Exist. This was an issue for me. I did not know that masturbation was called masturbation, but I just knew it felt good. I was not introduced to masturbation by anyone or television. It just happened naturally. I was curious. It became a struggle and an addiction for me. I would start and stop again and again until one day God finally took it away. I’d prayed multiple times for God to take it away. When God did that, I felt as though God could do anything. A lot of times the things we have to pray about are the things we never thought God could do. A lot of times, I did not even think that I could stop. I’d gotten to the point where I did not even need my hands to participate in masturbation. I believe it’s called mental masturbation. I was trying to stop on my own. I needed to stop by giving it all to God.

What was it in you that caused you not to give up in seeking God to deliver you from this? Some people feel like hey, I wake up and the sexual act is already occurring so they may as well give up. They may stop seeking God believing that they are just a bad person. You must have had to have hope in who you were in Christ to believe that God would deliver you from that.

Jeremiah

After the masturbation was over, I would feel drained liked everything was taken out of me. It was a terrible feeling. I’d gotten to the point where I would not ask for forgiveness from God anymore. I felt I was going to God too much because I felt I would just mess up in this area tomorrow, but God wants us to keep coming to him. God wants that humble heart. This is where God’s grace and power can come in as God gives grace to the humble.

Some church people will say that masturbation is like practicing having sex with a person. It isn’t. It’s a selfish act. It’s supposed to be shared with that other person. Adam was not beating off when Eve was bought to him because if he was the attitude would have been, “what are you here for?”

Is there anything else you’d like to share with the people? Where can people find you and your business?

Sexcanwaitawhile.co. You will be able to see our gear there. My book is now available on Amazon. Christian fashion week is September 30th – October 3rd. This will be the first annual Christian fashion week. Also, virginmendoexist.com is where you can find my book as well. The primary community for Sex Can Wait a While is on Instagram @sexcanwaitawhile.