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How Attraction Works for Women & More

Did you know attraction starts with an emotional connection that comes from vulnerability? Often the best relationships are built from friendship which is the best breeding ground for this type of vulnerability. This may provide some encouragement to talk to the guy you do not have an initial attraction toward or vice versa with the fellas as a friend only. Often as we get to know things about a person and are comfortable enough to share our vulnerabilities and insecurities; this is when attraction grows.

If we see gentlemen as brothers initially and women as sisters that fosters an environment where friendships can be created and our networks can be broadened despite the idea of attraction. Many people meet the loves of their lives through introductions from their growing networks.

What if a guy asks a girl out but she isn’t attracted to him? Should she decline or wait around as his friend to see if an attraction grows? Sheila shared if there is something that interests you about the gentleman, use that as an opportunity to get to know him as a friend and grow your network. There is nothing wrong with exploring someone as a friend. These are just a few of the awesome tips Sheila Gregoire shared with our singles group, “Singles Living for Christ.

She also touched on Attachment styles and some things to look out for if you feel as though you only want to be in a relationship with that being all that you focus on. This can be dangerous and point toward one of the attachment styles. Here is more in the video below and join our Facebook group to participate in future discussions.

Also, please, support Sheila’s new book, “She Deserves Better.” Her book corrects a lot of misteaching in the church toward young girls and women that can make them more prone to things like abuse. Sheila also has an awesome blog, “Bare Marriage.” This blog helps women understand their bodies and encourages married women to enjoy sex with their husbands.

 

Single Christians Revamp Your Social Life

Single Christians Revamp Your Social Life

It’s a new day for single believers. Can you feel it? I was praying this past week and it dawned on me that I am not in the same place. Well, Russelyn, just what do you mean you may ask. Having been single for many years I’ve experienced some ups and downs in life—that hit differently when you’re single. Life as a single has allowed me to experience depression, questioning myself, things, and people, but that day is over.

All I see are opportunities. These aren’t the same opportunities I used to write about. These opportunities are new. While I am appreciating all of the gifts of singleness: Getting up and going when I like, not having small children to look after, or having time for my passions. I’m appreciating the joy of being open and the result of meeting new people with no requirement for commitment until I know in my heart it is it.

There has been much practical wisdom missing for singles who desire to please God. Important wisdom like it’s okay to date. However, you need to know who you are and have boundaries unique to you and your values in place. With these things in place along with our foundation in Christ and seeking to please him first—we cannot lose.

We allow God to direct our paths as his word promises while simply enjoying where we are in life. I was listening to the audiobook, “Attached.” I noted a story of a gentleman who had not had a lot of dating experience. A girl he was getting to know asked him, “You aren’t worried that you’ll never be married?” His response was no. I just figured—it will happen when it is supposed to and it did for him.

This is my attitude. I am not anxious or worried. I am enjoying the joy of each day as I have a right to do because God gave it to me. When I get up in the morning, I thank the Lord because this is the day he has made and I will rejoice and be glad in it. I own that as a single woman. This is my attitude. I’ve experienced major loss and the fact that God has allowed me to still be here means I need to be committed to appreciating his gifts and taking full advantage.

Now that we’ve discussed the right mindset for single believers being social; let’s talk about how to be social. Our expectation remains in the Lord to provide our spouse to us. As we do not know where he will come from; we put ourselves in social environments. Below are some of the tools I use.

Match.com

Match.com is an awesome tool to be social. Yes, it’s a dating app, but more than that. They have local events in your city to meet people. From cooking classes to mountain climbing, paddle boarding activities, speed dating, and mixers to more. If you don’t want the pressure of a date but still want to be in co-ed environments, Match.com is a great way to do so. In addition to local events, Match partners with travel companies for trips. I’ve seen trips to Alaska, the Caribbean, a single’s cruise, and more. If you are single, this is super fun to simply put yourself out there in fun ways.

Travel Groups

Party of one traveling? No biggie. Find a travel group that has similar values. Recently, I took a trip to Jamaica and had an absolute ball. It was nice to be around some masculine energy as well. Get this, I felt so safe. This is what we need as singles to be reminded that we are not alone. There are others just like us who desire genuine love while honoring God at the same time.

I encourage you to find your crew. Listen to podcasts that share similar values as you. If/When they host group trips, go. You can start preparing by saving a travel budget. You know for work I am a HUD certified Homeownership counselor and financial counselor. So, I’m always helping people with the budget to do the things they desire. There isn’t anything you cannot do when you prepare your budget for it. Start putting a specific amount away each month to build up that travel budget.

HOLY DATING APP

The Holy app is a new app that started during the pandemic. It verifies if a person is a real person before anyone can join. I love that. I’ve had more gentlemen on that app willing to have conversations. The only downside I would say is there aren’t enough guys in my area on the app so I’ve had to extend it to 2,000 miles which means long-distance dating. If the conversations don’t hit like that, ain’t nobody getting on a plane. That’s a big investment when you’re not sure you want to get serious with someone. Anywho, it’s still worth a try. We never know if/when a match will turn out to be something.

DON’T UNDERESTIMATE THE GROCERY STORE RUNS OR MEETING SOMEONE IN PERSON

As a woman, who knows her worth, I must admit, it’s a bit easier for us women. We just have to look fly. Be confident, and smile while responding to a friendly gentleman in person. That’s when numbers are exchanged and the getting-to-know-you process begins.

I’ve had men buy me drinks going out to events by myself. A gentleman recently helped me bag my groceries and more. All from being friendly and approachable. The truth is we simply need to be ourselves. Walk in the love that’s inside of us to share.

Be open to meeting people with no expectations. A smile is not a commitment. An exchange of numbers is not a commitment. If we decide to go on a date—that isn’t a commitment. We; however, remain committed to ourselves to be open while maintaining our healthy boundaries.

Our healthy boundaries protect our values allowing us to meet our goal of honoring God. All of this, while meeting people. This places us in various social environments with others and we don’t know where it will lead to. However, as mentioned earlier, God will make our paths straight.

The experience of being social as singles is a fun and interesting ride—that will at the right time lead to a healthy marriage when we find the one who matches our values and goals for the future. Happy Single Life my beautiful people! Enjoy the revamped social life and feel free to share other social events and experiences we can take advantage of as singles. I know I left some things out like single’s conferences.

 

Why Are Women Still Listening to Derrick Jackson?

Why Would Women Listen to Derrick Jackson After Hearing How He Treated His Wife?

Dania Jackson came out last week sharing her side of what transpired between her and her husband Derrick Jackson. She shared details from the beginning all the way until now. The lingering question after listening to the details of Dania Jackson is why are women still following and listening to Derrick Jackson after finding out he is a fraud? I’m not going to pretend to have all of the answers because I don’t. However, could it be because the need for the truth is so great?

While Derrick Jackson may not have practiced his advice on how to treat women; much of the advice that I’ve heard from him was true. In a world where women face many difficulties from misogynistic teachings to Black women being stereotyped into being only one type of woman by viral YouTube hosts.

Women may be looking for safe spaces to just be. Overlooking the person providing the information may be something that women are deciding to do. Just like many overlooked the brokenness that followed viral YouTube host, Kevin Samuels.

It’s not very much different. People will choose to listen to what they feel is feeding their needs. That doesn’t make it right, however. Listening to a man preach one thing and practice another can feed into the lie that men are just one particular way. This isn’t true and harmful to a woman’s faith who is believing in God for more in her life.

I’d recommend doing what his wife Dania did. She shared she has unfollowed all of his social media. Doing so will allow her to put the past behind her quicker as she works through her healing process. It’s very important as single women desiring healthy marriage that we guard what we believe about men in general. If we allow ourselves to only focus on the negative experiences with men; we can train ourselves to believe that is all there is.

We open the door to confirmation bias, which is where we continue to have experiences based on what we believe. If we desire more for ourselves; we have to place more healthier examples before our eyes. Meditating on things, people, and relationships that are in line with the word of God will help us to see that those examples are possible.

Meanwhile, we take the wisdom from the unhealthy examples and move on. What can we take from Dania and Derrick Jackson’s example? We can look at what drew Dania to the relationship and avoid following the same pitfall. We can be honest with ourselves by dealing with our trauma, ideas, and mindsets that are not in line with a healthy God-fearing woman. Finally, we can take responsibility to make better choices as we become healthier women. Join Singles Living For Christ Facebook Group for a healthy safe space for single men and women.

This is the journey Dania is on at this moment. She’s already come a long way. Watch Dania’s interviews below:

 

Feel free to share your thoughts below:

Positioning Yourself Vs. Pursuing: What’s the Difference?

Positioning Yourself Vs. Pursuing: What’s the Difference?

Lessons learned in extended singleness help us to become more settled in resting in ourselves, our worth, and our overall value as women. One of the nicest lessons to learn is that when a mature man sees your value; he will do whatever is necessary to win you over.

This is a lesson often shared but too rarely experienced among single women of God desiring marriage. We trust God, pop in and out of networks, travel, join small groups, visit various churches, try online dating—so many different things to be found by a man who values us. After years of this and coming up short, we scratch our heads asking why have we not yet experienced this for ourselves.

If we aren’t careful, we’ll start to believe we aren’t worthy. I want to encourage readers to see that we are worthy and this wisdom is true whether we’ve experienced it for ourselves or not. At the right time, we will experience this. However, we have to maintain our confidence, worth, and value despite, keeping on walking in a way where we are willing to position ourselves. Positioning ourselves deals with an inner heart posture of readiness and openness. It also means being in the mix where the people are. Whether it’s social media, single’s events, or travel groups.

Positioning Ourselves with an Inner Heart Posture of Readiness

This means maintaining a heart of hope, faith, joy, expectation, and openness. Our hearts aren’t distracted by wrong thinking that has become a stronghold within our perceptions. Things like bitterness, unforgiveness, unbelief, stereotypes, and more can be distractions that keep us from being in a position of being found.

We will need to work through these feelings, perceptions, and disappointed expectations with the Lord and possibly a trusted confidant whether a therapist or friend to have our hearts clear and open again. I discuss these in much more detail in my coaching program for Single Christian women desiring marriage. Subscribe to our email list for a free anti-anxiety prayer guide and a link to a free dating course that helps with practicing discernment.

Once all is clear, we’ll need to get outside while maintaining clarity of heart and mind

Walking with a healthy view of ourselves and what we are worthy of is an everyday process. We don’t stop renewing our minds after we feel better once, but we continue to renew our minds daily. Positioning ourselves around men who can see our value will start with openness.

Why not start being open to getting to know a guy who shows interest in you and you have a hunch that his character may be good but there is no initial attraction? Do you know how attraction works for you? Are you the type to only entertain conversations with your type and you write off the ones who aren’t? I’m not talking about guys who are repulsive to you. I’m talking about guys who don’t look bad to you but don’t look good either. You never know. An attraction may naturally grow.

If you are too shy to go out with him immediately; connect with him on social media. You may find that the two of you have more in common than you thought. You could have missed all of that because there was no attraction initially. Join our Facebook group for details on a discussion on how attraction works for women.

Getting Outside

Go to the places that you enjoy. Do you like live music? Hit up a Jazz club or a music venue that serves food. These are nice environments to meet people. City Winery is a nice live music venue that serves food. One time, I booked a seat at a table across from another person because I did not want to sit alone. You don’t know who will be there until you get there. When I arrived, a single brother sat across from me and two other gentlemen at the table. The guy just across from me bought me a drink.

He was very friendly although not seeking to enter a relationship—he had been divorced from a 20-year marriage. He wanted to simply enjoy being single again. Although, the friendly outing did not lead to any romantic relationship—it was nice to enjoy being treated like a lady.

These experiences are small reminders that we are worth it. We speak a lot about Boaz, who did what was necessary to win Ruth. But first, Boaz had to become aware that Ruth existed. Don’t become discouraged in putting yourself out there because you may have given a guy a hint that he did not run with. He just wasn’t for you. Continue to do the things that remind you you’re worthy and keep positioning yourself until you have that experience like Ruth.

Pursuing looks like
Pursuing is continuing to position yourself in proximity to a man who has made it clear he isn’t interested. Men have their ways of showing disinterest. Sometimes, they pretend as if they are interested because they like the attention. However, they do not take any concrete steps to further a relationship. They may give no verbal response at all. There’s the saying, no response is a response.

As women, our energy changes when we pursue a man. We get into a mindset of having to prove ourselves to them. Instead of us just being women and realizing that is enough. Our worth goes down in our eyes and the eyes of the one we are pursuing. This is very dangerous for women. If we notice this within ourselves; we should cut off all contact with the gentleman we are tempted to pursue.

We will need to get back into our feminine energy of realizing that we are enough. We are an answer to the right man. And the right man will value us. We deserve to be pursued and not the other way around.

Singles, What is Your Response to the Holding Pattern of Singleness?

Singles, What is Your Attitude in the Holding Pattern of Singleness?

Singles that have been single for long periods can begin to wane tired and anxious from being in the holding pattern of singleness. When we become tired and anxious, we don’t always make the best decisions. We can even become more vulnerable to unhealthy things we’d never consider.

I’m currently reading the Bible within a year and am in the book of 1 Samuel. Things are being highlighted to me that I did not realize before and it’s helping me to maintain a good perspective in my holding pattern of singleness.

1 Samuel shares the story of Saul and David. Saul and David were both in holding patterns. Both had received promises from God. Saul’s promise was that the kingdom would be snatched from him. David’s promise was that he would be king.

David had his own battles to fight. Like many singles, David lived as a nomad. He did not really have a place to call home. Instead, he ran from place to place hiding in caves, deserts, and even among the enemies of Israel—the Philistines.

Have you ever felt like you were a bit of a nomad as a single believer? You join one community to have a place of belonging—and that place is up. You have to find another. This is how David lived for years. During this time, he kept the promise of God before him.

When he would forget about God’s promise, God would send others to remind him. It helps when we are in a holding pattern to remain in a place of thankfulness as David, be strengthened by those who are believing with us, and continue to humble ourselves remaining in the faith.

Remaining Thankful in the Holding Pattern of Singleness

Let’s start with Saul, who even though God’s anointing as king had left him; he had so many reasons to be thankful. First, the kingdom was not immediately taken away from him. He was gifted by God to continue to be king for an entire 42 years. This means he did not have to give up being king until his death at age 72. That’s almost an entire lifetime of enjoying the privilege of serving God’s people Israel as king.

During that span, he got to meet his successor, David. David honored Saul as a father. Even though God’s anointing as the king had left Saul—his covenant of mercy was still with him. His son, Johnathan, and two of his other sons were also faithful to their father, Saul, unto death.

Yet, through all of these good things that happened to Saul—he allowed his heart to become hardened and his judgment to be cloudy down to the similitude of a madman in his attempt to kill David.

David’s response was that of thankfulness. He was grateful to become the son-in-law to the king—at first, seeing himself as too small in his eyes for such a position. He continued in thankfulness and humility asking for help whenever needed.

Singles Can be Strengthened by those believing with us in the holding pattern of Singleness

In his asking for help and even faintness of heart, at times. He would always be strengthened by others who believed God with him. The priest Abiathar assisted him with bread for him and his men. David quickly became a leader and others who were outcasted began to follow him. He could not afford to lose it completed because God gave him an assignment in his waiting to lead other men like himself.

Johnathan came to him several times strengthening him and reminding him that God promised him he’d be king. It certainly did not look like it at so many points in David’s life—but it was still to come to pass.

“Don’t be afraid,” he said. “My father Saul will not lay a hand on you. You will be king over Israel, and I will be second to you. Even my father Saul knows this.” – 1 Samuel 23:17

Abigail, David’s 3rd wife, while still married to Nabal, reminded David that God would make him king:

“Please forgive your servant’s presumption. The Lord your God will certainly make a lasting dynasty for my lord, because you fight the Lord’s battles, and no wrongdoing will be found in you as long as you live.  Even though someone is pursuing you to take your life, the life of my lord will be bound securely in the bundle of the living by the Lord your God, but the lives of your enemies he will hurl away as from the pocket of a sling. When the Lord has fulfilled for my lord every good thing he promised concerning him and has appointed him ruler over Israel, my lord will not have on his conscience the staggering burden of needless bloodshed or of having avenged himself. And when the Lord your God has brought my lord success, remember your servant.” – 1 Samuel 25:28-31

Singles Must Remain in Faith

The above things strengthened David along with his personal seek for the Lord. Everywhere David turned —he’d always inquire of the Lord before going. Much of our faith is stirred by seeking God in prayer. It’s also built by hearing the Word of God from others. David got to the point where he had to build himself up. He’d say things like let this or that happen until I learn what God will do for me. He consistently looked to the Lord.

Just after David had decided to stay in a stronghold while waiting on the Lord—a prophet named Gad spoke to him telling him not to remain in the stronghold but to get to Judah. Judah means praise.

We will be tempted during our holding pattern as singles—to remain in unhealthy places that can become strongholds for us. Things like becoming ungrateful and unappreciative for all of the years God’s sustained us. The lie may even come to our mind as a woman to relax our standards to that of a looser woman because there is always a man available for that type of woman.

Whatever we face during our holding patterns—we can, like David, rely on the Lord, and remain humble and thankful while continuing to walk by faith. It’s during our continually walking out this path God has called us to that we will get to the end, like David.

The wrong attitude and the belief in lies over God’s truths are simply ways of taking God’s promise into our own hands. Sure, David could have taken the promise into his own hands and killed Saul on multiple occasions, but instead, he chose to trust God, and God’s promise occurred correctly in God’s timing. Who knows if David would have survived had he taken things into his own hands?

I know it’s hard because I am in it. I am waiting into my 40s while following the wisdom of God for years and am yet in a holding pattern. One thing that helps me is learning to enjoy the wait in all of the ways that I can. This includes continuing in my purpose as God gives me strength. It’s important not to overdo it in ministry to the point where we do not have a life outside of ministry.

Exploring the things I enjoy̅̅̅—helps such as travel, new restaurants, friends and family relationships, and most importantly the joy of the Lord. This is our strength. If I feel my attitude is shifting in a way not kosher—I’ll seek the Lord about it for his help. He will usually remind me of his word, and show me areas where I am trusting things or people for my needs instead of him.

This trust in the Lord is one thing that helps singles to continue to put ourselves out there meeting others, which is another important piece of being in a holding pattern as a single. The cool people we meet make the holding pattern easier even if it doesn’t lead to marriage with everyone we meet.

Change the Narrative On How You View Singleness Over 40

Change the Narrative on How You View Singleness over 40

What do you do when you get tired of fighting the same lies over and over again during your singleness journey? You change the narrative. Shift your thinking from what you are experiencing to the things God has been showing you in prayer. You discipline yourself to meditate on the Word of God instead of your experience.

Speak God’s word again and again until you believe it. You build your faith. Faith comes by hearing and hearing the Word of God. What narratives do you come up against periodically or even regularly that you are changing the narrative on? Here are a few that those in extended singleness may encounter.

I’ve gotten too Old and Missed My Chance as One Experiencing Singleness Over 40

It’s hard to get away from the narrative of age. Our generation has been getting married at older ages, yet the median age for a first marriage is still younger than 40. So, for the 40-plus singles, what does the research say? One good thing it says is there are 61% of men looking to date or for a committed relationship between the ages of 30-49 years of age. This means that women in their 40s are still highly sought after. Other research shows getting married later poses a lower divorce risk.

While many of us discount ourselves on the dating market as having missed our time; our time is still fresh and ripe for the correct suitor. We can feel just as beautiful, hopeful, and sought after as when we were younger—just with greater maturity.

That’s right! Older women have bonuses that we bring to the table. I’d like to say humility is one of those benefits and it’s a requirement for a healthy marriage. Marriage is full of learning and compromise. When you get something that you feel at times that you aren’t worthy of for whatever reason—experience, age, or the like—you are more willing to do the work to maintain what you have.

You also develop a greater appreciation for what you have. Often, the too-old thinking is a narrative we’ve made up in our mind to disqualify ourselves as unworthy—when God still says we’re worthy. Heck! The research still says we’re worthy. Why don’t we? We need to be intentional about changing the narrative to God’s truth in this area.

What is God saying about us despite our age? Have we set with God in prayer to find out? Something God has shared with me is he’s opening doors. My best days are ahead of me. I’ve even gotten little nuggets in prayer on how I will recognize my future husband.

In Singleness Over 40 We Must Hope Against Hope

One of the most recent nuggets God gave me is that my husband and I will have an “iron sharpening iron relationship.” This will be one of the ways I will recognize that my husband has arrived. This also personally means a lot to me due to some personal work God has been doing within me in recent years relating to communication and assertiveness. This gives me hope against a circumstance that sometimes appears unhopeful.

Abraham, the father of our faith hoped against all hope—to have a child. He got so into unbelief that he and Sarah attempted to create the miracle on their own. We react like Abraham and Sarah when we allow the wrong narrative to frazzle us. We attempt to do it on our own and fail to rest in God’s promise.

Resting in the Lord Helps in Singleness Over 40

Instead of focusing on the lie that we’re too old; let’s focus on resting in the Lord. Let’s rest in what God has said. Let’s rest in the truth that we are still enough at 40 plus. Girls, put on our pumps and enjoy the ride of life even if our faith may be small due to the tiredness of the wait. All it takes is just a little faith to see God’s promises. Remember the mustard seed and move your mountain.

I’m too Mature to Find a Man Willing to Cover Me

This may sound awkward to some, but when you watch men value women who aren’t that smart you begin to think, well maybe I should hide my brain to some degree. Women are sometimes pushed as objects to make men feel good about themselves. Perhaps, for some men, having a brain is too much. But the right man will appreciate our brain because he will know that he isn’t on his own. He’s truly got some help. Not just in the bedroom, but in life.

We should not view being mature as a disqualifier for us being a wife. If anything, it should be a qualifier. A mature woman naturally requires more. She requires a guy who can have mature conversations with her. He should be able to dig deep and perceive things beyond the surface. This produces a next-level intimacy experience that’s more fulfilling.

Again, it’s a plus. We are tempted to hide who we are and dumb ourselves down to make others feel comfortable with us. The truth is we should be our authentic selves all the more at 40 plus. Those that are too uncomfortable with our maturity simply aren’t for us. It would be a disservice for us to stop growing in an attempt to find a man.

It also speaks to our level of faith. Do we not believe there are mature men out there as well who desire mature women? Everyone has an appropriate counterpart. The immature with the immature. The mature with the mature. Another mature person will respect and honor a person at their core because their understanding of things is greater than one who is immature. The immature devalues things, experiences, and people more because they simply do not understand.

How can someone who is mature change the narrative of seeing maturity as a plus instead of a negative to get a spouse? Hang around more mature men and women. Join a Facebook group with mature singles such as, “Singles Living for Christ.

 

Things the Church Got Wrong About Biblical Womanhood

Things the Church Got Wrong About Biblical Womanhood

It’s so beautiful to be a woman. When God made us in the beginning, he said that we were good. However, the idea of a woman being good is challenged when we do not see ourselves properly due to unhealthy views of womanhood that have come from the church.

Some unhealthy views about Biblical womanhood include the idea that being attractive is sinful or our duty as women is to fulfill the sexual needs of our husbands. Finally, men cannot live holy if women are too attractive or wear the wrong outfit. Or a man’s ability to practice self-control and holiness falls upon the woman’s appearance.

Shaming Women for their beauty is not Biblical Womanhood

Have you ever felt ashamed or dirty because of being accused of being a whore, temptress, or seductress all because someone did not like your outfit? Have you been told you are unworthy to be a wife because you look too attractive as a single woman?

Thus, you must be living a promiscuous life. These are common accusations that attractive women have to deal with not just in the church, but even on social media from religious accusers. Women who feel that other women should not appear too attractive will harass other women in the DMs as a means of control.

Women would do well to have a heart check before approaching other women about their appearance. We have to be careful as believers to realize what has been passed down as tradition and righteousness by man and what God calls righteous according to his Word. Dressing appropriately is subjective. Just because an outfit isn’t something we’d wear doesn’t mean it is sin. It also doesn’t mean the woman wearing it is a seductress, whore, or any other derogatory term. If we are genuinely concerned with the dress of another being inappropriate; that’s an opportunity to check in with a person to see how she is doing.

biblical womanhood

If a woman is dressing inappropriately, she may have low self-esteem or be feeling desperate for a man. It’s an opportunity to lift her up and not tear her down. A woman should not feel ashamed of being a woman, attractive, or having curves.

This is just a part of human nature. Finally, if a woman is already struggling with how she sees herself, calling her a derogatory term isn’t going to help her to get any better. Even worse, she may decide to run away from God altogether believing she is unworthy. You don’t want to be responsible for running someone away from Christ because you did not like her outfit. Women are more than how they appear.

Secondly, God gives all men who trust in him power over sin. Therefore men’s ability to live holy is not contingent upon every woman he comes into contact with protecting him from all temptation. God made women beautiful. A man is going to notice that. It doesn’t mean he cannot practice self-control. Self-control is one of the fruits of the Holy Spirit being in our lives.

A man has the responsibility just like a woman to work out his soul’s salvation with fear and trembling as the scripture says. This means that our soul—mind, will, and emotions will need to be bought under subjection to the Word of God and the Spirit of God. This is a daily practice that both men and women have to walk in. The more men and women develop in this—the healthier we will become in how we view one another.

Placing the burden of man’s holiness solely on the woman is an impossible weight for all women to bear. It also encourages men in the lie that they cannot control themselves. Self-control is a fruit of the Holy Spirit. This is available to men and women. If men aren’t taught what they have inherited in Christ; how can they walk in it? I’d encourage anyone struggling with lust whether male or female to read Romans 6 about yielding the members of your body to righteousness and true holiness. This is a choice each individual must make.

Another lie is that a woman must always make herself sexually available to her husband or else he has no choice but to cheat on her. There were guest pastors, who came to a church I attended and shared this. As a young woman in the church desiring to practice Biblical womanhood; I was under the impression that we were just supposed to submit to the teaching of the church without question. As I got older; of course, I realized that God gave us a sound mind to question and understand things. Again, I noticed the responsibility for how a man behaved was placed solely upon the woman. There was no talk of the scripture’s command for a husband to dwell with his wife according to knowledge.

The man was not challenged in understanding and getting to know his wife as a whole person. He was not challenged in learning what she needed to be sexually aroused toward him. It was simply taught that sex was a duty the wife had to perform with her husband or else she’d experience the betrayal of cheating. This is wrong. The purpose of Biblical womanhood is not to control a man’s actions by being a sexually available object at all times.

Ephesians 5 is clear that a marriage relationship should be reciprocal. Even the popular, “defraud not one another except with consent” scripture is reciprocal. The consent part implies communication and mutual respect for one another as well. This means the man gets what he needs and the woman gets what she needs. The two learn to serve one another’s needs.

This is a formula for not only amazing sex but an amazing marriage. When a woman has what she needs with her man—she doesn’t need to be told to be sexually available to her husband. She will make plans to be sexually available to her husband because she enjoys being intimate with him just as much.

I’m very thankful that more mature teachers are coming about in the body of Christ to correct some of the unhealthy views that have been taught in the church for many years.

Watch the video below about sex within marriage not being one-sided but for both the man and the woman:

 

Single & Over 40 & Unbothered!

Single & Over 40 & Unbothered!

I’m single, over 40, and unbothered. Why is that? Because I know who I am, I’ve found purpose in my experience, processed my pain, and remain hopeful and open to love. We live within several cultures that attempt to label women and shame women for where they are in life. However, as adult women, we have the responsibility to see ourselves properly. Out of the proper view of ourselves will come the daily strength to face each day.

I know who I am and my single status doesn’t devalue my worth by any means. 

I am still a daughter of God, beautiful, healthy, and worthy of love. We have a responsibility to carry ourselves as worthy of love and all that this Christ-centered life has to bring us. I read a book, “The Five Love Languages, Single’s Version” that shared a beautiful principle that what we feel we lack we should sow into others and it will come back to us—due to the Biblical principle that says we reap what we sow. Because I am well aware of my need for love and genuine affection, I sow that into others.

After all, the scripture tells us to love others as we first love ourselves. I’ve faithfully used my single time to prepare myself and develop into a well-rounded loving woman. These things that I’ve sown will come back to me. They come back to me even now in forms of love that aren’t yet romantic. I have interests who would be suitable partners if there was mutual attraction and readiness on both parts. All of these things are reminders that I am on the right path. So, I keep going. When you know who you are; despite what the labels say—you continue with confidence and strength. Because our confidence isn’t rooted in temporary things, but it is rooted in Christ and all of the Biblical principles of wisdom and grace we’ve learned over the years.

So, no. My singleness is not something to be ashamed of at this age. It is something that a qualified man has to attain. When you know who you are; you only entertain the qualified.

I’ve found my purpose within my singleness.

If I had gotten married younger, I would not have had such an impact as I’ve had as a single woman. How ironic that I became an adult during a time when 50% of Americans would be single. Where many would lose hope that a healthy relationship is even possible. Where women would begin to act like men in taking on unnatural sexual prowess just to not be alone. During dark times, the righteous shine as lights. This is us. Women like me who have been single for a long time, but have maintained our character all of these years.

Not only have I maintained my character, but it has grown stronger. God uses my victories in singleness to encourage other singles that they can do it too. They can find joy and purpose in this life as a single woman or man or a married woman or man. Neither is better than the other. It’s just where we are at the time. I’ve been able to share with others through my books, blogs, small groups, and speaking engagements how I’ve been able to navigate singleness successfully. Sometimes people assume that successful singleness means you avoid being single for a long time. However, successful singleness can be maintaining your wholeness, joy, peace, and hope during singleness for a long time.

I’ve processed my pain.

Yes, I have not always felt as confident. I’ve been very vulnerable at times. There is something about getting older and losing those close to you through death. The loss of family and friends that make you feel safe as a single woman—takes away from the sense of security enjoyed when they were alive. I’ve felt a little more alone in the world.

However, this was also an opportunity to band me together more closely with those who are left. It is also an opportunity to grow a little closer in my trust in the Lord. I’ve been astounded at God’s ability to heal me of the unique pain of getting older and losing loved ones as a never-married single woman. I’d hoped to have experienced that type of pain with a closer connection of support. However, life doesn’t always work out the way we hope. Yet, in Christ, we persevere.

We also learn to see painful experiences as opportunities for God to grow and expand us. How are you viewing your singleness at an older age of 40 or above? Do you have a support system around you to help in maintaining a positive outlook. Join my Facebook group, “Singles Living for Christ.” Or, sign up for my email list to learn more information about my upcoming coaching program for Single Christian Women to Walk in Wholeness Who Desire Marriage.

Is Lack of Wisdom or Bad Advice Keeping You Single?

Is Lack of Wisdom or Bad Advice Keeping You Single?

I’m somewhat privy to many conversations that take place in the world of singles as a single woman. I’ve also had my own experiences in living this life. A constant that I’ve come into contact with is a fear of dating due to a lack of knowledge. This keeps us stuck. Also, I’ve run into older women, some married, and some single, who give single women bad advice—keeping them single.

Bad Advice I’ve Noticed Keeping Christian Women Single

I’ve had conversations with some older married women. In their love and care for me, they’ve tried to warn me about men by sharing as many negative experiences from their peers as possible. Some of these women would go on to say things like, “When I was single, I did not even want to be married so I do not understand.”

This statement along with the negative stories of female peers who are trying to date and get to know men hopefully for marriage is discouraging, to say the least. The latter part of the statement saying when she was single, she did not want to be married is also problematic as it implies that having a desire for marriage is somehow shameful or ungodly. Or it implies that having a desire for marriage will lead to a poor outcome like her friends who are struggling. It isn’t wrong to desire a healthy God-honoring marriage. It’s wrong to become desperate for marriage making an idol out of it—resulting in poor decisions and lack of discernment.

I’d spoken with a young lady who was 24. She’d shared that she did not know what was wrong with her for not having a child yet. I asked her if she was married. She said no. I asked why she would be concerned about having a child without being married. Her mom had shared with her that marriages normally don’t stay together. She went on to share that her grandma had shared this with her mother. A seed was planted that marriage doesn’t work so if a woman desires children she should plan to be a single mother.

Finally, a lack of wisdom is a common topic. Many of us primarily got the don’t have sex before marriage from the church and let a man find us. That was it. There’s a lot of information missing between that and the altar. Not because the church was holding out on us, but because many of those in the church did not know much about marriage preparation. Marriage was a natural next step for the previous generation. It was super easy to marry whether you were well-developed as a person or not. Things are different now as Millennials and beyond.

Because many women desire to marry a man without compromising the security we find in singleness through obeying God; we don’t know how to approach dating in a way that will still honor God. Rather than taking a chance risking making a mistake or possibly being successful; we stay stuck waiting for a relationship to come together out of the blue. Many of us lack points of reference for women who have desired to honor God in their relationships and made it to marriage successfully doing so.

The bad advice confirms the fear single women already have or produces fear in those who weren’t fearful:

All of the bad advice plus the lack of wisdom keep single Christian women in a place of stagnation. Due to this fear, many women will not take the necessary steps in putting themselves out there by being intentional in growing in areas that will make them good partners outside of just the spiritual. I will say the spiritual is the foundation and of utmost importance and nothing else can be fully successful in our lives without having a firm spiritual foundation on Christ and his Word.

However, the Holy Spirit will lead us and guide us into all truth. Sometimes, the Holy Spirit will send someone across our path to awaken us from our slumber of the familiar. He will cause us to take responsibility in areas where we need to grow. He will also correct all wrong perspectives with truth so we can move forward in freedom building healthy relationships with others.

The more we walk in this freedom—the more others will be attracted to our light and our network of people will grow. This increases our chances of meeting someone awesome. We can get referrals or exposure to others on social media by growing our network with other people period. This means allowing ourselves to develop outside of our fears.

It also means being intentional about not only potential romantic relationships, but healthy relationships in general with friends, family, co-workers, siblings, parents, and yes potential men who show interest.

Upon getting over our fears through faith, wisdom, and confronting our fears we grow. It’s this social growth that comes from the inner development of simply being that is often stifled and stifles our ability to meet someone that can lead to something serious and beautiful. Pride is something that many single women depend on to protect them from dealing with the fear they feel.

The answer that will break the wrong thinking patterns that can keep us stuck in singleness:

First, we will need to develop our relationship with God for ourselves. This will help us to avoid being manipulated into the unhealthy thinking patterns of others. The Spirit of Christ will lead us and guide us into all truth. It is the truth that will make us experience freedom in our lives.

Second, we have to take responsibility for seeking out the wisdom that is in alignment with God’s word. We will have to be humble enough to realize we don’t have it altogether. We will need to get support from others walking in balance. Balance means the lack of imbalance. Only focusing on the negative experiences of others is an imbalance. It sets women up for an expectation of dread and negativity.

Thus, women began to attract that in their lives and aren’t open to meeting appropriate men out of fear that all men are the same.

The Bible doesn’t warn women to avoid men or to be afraid of men. It does warn us to practice discernment. This is a skill of having the appropriate judgment to discern who would be wise to allow close to you or not.

If you do not have examples of the types of men who should get close to you in your life; you will not know who you should allow close to you or not. Pray to the Lord, who is your helper to bring godly men into your life, who can be an example of what you’ll need to look for. These many can help with clarity in discernment when you aren’t sure about continuing with a particular gentleman you are dating.

Often these men may already be married or you aren’t attracted to them—but you have a platonic friendship with these men. They act as a covering to help you to see things from both a male and female perspective. Focus on building a healthy community first before launching out into dating so you will have the help you need in addition to the Holy Spirit and Word of God. This greatly reduces the risk of you making a very costly mistake.

With your inner development and new openness—you’ll be in a position to date in a healthy manner and sooner whether than later get into a healthy marriage. We don’t just want to be married, but we want healthy marriages that honor Christ and they are possible when both men and women are willing to put off the barriers keeping them stuck and do the work necessary to move forward.

I will be offering a coaching program this May relating to single Christian women who desire marriage to walk in confidence and wholeness while being open to meeting people who can lead to a healthy relationship and marriage in a natural progression. Join my newsletter for more info on when the group coaching will be available: Click here. The Top 3 Dating Fears Course is available free with the email list sign-up. Information for the class will be in the email upon sign-up or visit link using code free at checkout. No credit card is needed for the free course when using code: “FREE.”

If God is Good, Why Are Bad Things Happening?

If God is good why does bad stuff happen is a logical question. Those who think logically may assume that those who say God is good are in a special category. Or, that they’ve only experienced good things in their life. The truth is God’s character of goodness, grace, favor, faithfulness, and love isn’t often seen as intimately during the good times.

It’s seen more intimately through the dark and uncomfortable times in our lives. Meaning, yes, we can see God is good when good things are happening. We often take it for granted. However, when bad things are happening, God is closer and more unique in showing his goodness.

We have to be aware and sensitive to see him working beyond our heart-wrenching experiences. People that say God is good and know it for themselves; are people who have walked with God through some things. They’ve learned that God has high standards yet is merciful enough to give us the grace to meet those standards as we grow in him.

This is displayed in the first story of the Bible in the garden of Eden. God gave Adam and Eve a command they did not live up to. God’s response was to make provision for Adam, Eve, and all mankind. Due to sin in the garden, death was introduced to humanity. However, God created a path for us to have everlasting life by sending his son.

God is good

God’s Goodness Always Makes Provision for Us

God’s provision was promised shortly after the mishap in the garden when God promised that a seed of the woman would bruise Satan’s head (Genesis 3:15.) This scripture was speaking prophetically of Jesus Christ who came through a woman named Mary.

This same characteristic of God showing provision for mankind is throughout the scriptures. Man’s free will and lack of maturity in various areas get him in trouble over and over again and like a patient father; we see the Lord consistently making provision in his great love toward us:

  • Cain, killed his brother Able and God showed him grace by placing a mark on him so that no one would kill him. This is one of the first examples of God showing grace because, under the old covenant, an eye for an eye and tooth for a tooth was the law. Cain should have died for killing his brother but God’s provision of mercy allowed him to live.
  •  Abraham and Sarah attempted to fulfill God’s promise on their own by having Abraham sleep with Hagar producing Ishmael. God made provision for Ishmael making a great nation of him as well—and still yet fulfilled his promise through Isaac.
  • Hagar was a slave servant in Abraham and Sarah’s house. When she attempted to leave the abuse from her masters; God made provision for her by sending an angel to meet her and instruct her in the wilderness.
  • When Joseph was abused by his brothers and sold into slavery; God made provision for Joseph. We know the story. He promoted Joseph to be a ruler and used what was bad in his household for good.
  • When Esther’s parents died and she became an orphan; God made provision for her sending her elder cousin Mordecai to raise her and train her to be a future queen.
  • When David sinned with Bathsheba and murdered Uriah; God made provision for David to be confronted and corrected. After David humbled himself—God gave him a son, Solomon, to sit on his throne. Later, Jesus Christ would symbolically be called the seed of David carrying on a heavenly kingship for those who trust in him.
God’s Character of Goodness & Great Love Can be Seen in Bad Circumstances

What am I saying? I’m saying just as some of the above stories show negative experiences endured by those who trusted in the Lord. Some, even by their own doing, God’s character of goodness and great love was seen in the middle of it. God worked in each negative experience for those who trusted in him.

Just as God worked for the above who trusted in him. God is at work for those of us who trust in him now. Even through bad circumstances, we can say God is good. Some may have experienced loved ones dying young, overdoses, alcohol poisoning, suicide, murder, sickness, and countless other difficult things.

It doesn’t matter what the hard circumstance is—God’s character of great love toward us causes him to make provision for us and our loved ones in the middle of hardship. God’s character is good. It doesn’t change. It’s always his posture toward us. 

But God demonstrates his love for us in this: While we were still sinners, Christ died for us. – Romans 5:8

 A Hardened Heart is a Natural Result of not Seeing God Properly

A hardened heart toward life and God will make it difficult to trust him. The Bible warns that the cares of this life can cause our hearts to become hardened and choke the seeds of the Word of God that have been planted inside of us. 

This is why it’s so important to have the right perspective of God because it guards against a hardened heart toward him. I believe the Lord is patient with us through our hardness of heart. I believe his consistent character of goodness will draw us into a soft heart again. It’s the goodness of the Lord that ultimately leads to repentance which is a change of mind that leads to a change of direction. 

Or despisest thou the riches of His goodness and forbearance and longsuffering, not knowing that the goodness of God leadeth thee to repentance? – Romans 2:4 

This is also the goodness of the Lord . The Bible says where sin did abound grace much more abounds. This is because of God’s consistent provision of goodness and steadfast love toward us.

Bad things happen because sin entered the world through Adam and Eve.  However, God is good because he’s delivered us from the pain of the suffering in this fallen world by making provision that heals and delivers us from the pain by trusting in Jesus Christ.

This is how God showed his love among us: He sent his one and only Son into the world so that we might live through him. This is love: not that we loved God, but that he loved us and sent his Son as an atoning sacrifice for our sins. – 1 John 4:9-10

The Bible describes a deep depth of God’s love. It goes beyond the surface of how things appear. Pray that God would open your eyes and allow you to see his goodness consistently. He can begin to restore a heart of flesh inside of those who’ve allowed their hearts to become hardened through life.

When we say God is good; We say it because we live it every day.