Trauma is a response to a traumatic event

Trauma is a response to a traumatic experience that has occurred in our lives. We see in the Bible that a traumatic experience occurred within Jacob’s family. He’d lost his son Joseph. Under the impression that his son was dead; he lived with the trauma of that loss.

Trauma shows up in many ways such as shock, sadness, anxiety or overwhelm in response to the traumatic event. It also can show up as fear and avoidance. We know that fear is paralyzing keeping us in the same place. However, it’s God’s will for us to experience a fully abundant life. This means that we have to work through the fear and challenges that come with trauma.

Don’t seek to Avoid Facing the Fear from Your Trauma

One of the many key factors in overcoming trauma is not to avoid facing the fears and emotions that come with the trauma, but to learn to healthily work through it. Jacob was so aware of his trauma as a result of losing his son that he could articulate it well to his community.

Their father Jacob said to them, “You have deprived me of my children. Joseph is no more and Simeon is no more, and now you want to take Benjamin. Everything is against me!” – Genesis 42:36

But Jacob said, “My son will not go down there with you; his brother is dead and he is the only one left. If harm comes to him on the journey you are taking, you will bring my gray head down to the grave in sorrow.” – Genesis 42:38

How Jacob Got to a Place of Trauma

Let me give you the backstory for anyone who isn’t familiar with this story. Joseph’s brothers had sold him into slavery and led their father Jacob to believe he was dead. Years later, Jacob sent his sons to Egypt to buy food because they’d been in a famine. Joseph, Jacob’s son unbeknownst to his brothers and father, was the ruler of the land.

He accused the brothers of being spies to search out the land instead of buying food. Joseph shared with his brothers that the only way he would believe they weren’t spies would be for them to bring back their youngest brother, Benjamin. Benjamin was Joseph’s full brother. The above scripture is Jacob’s response to his son’s request to get Benjamin back to him.

Time Will Need to Be Allowed to Heal from Trauma

When we are in trauma, it takes time to heal. It takes time before we are truly ready to face and accept the traumatic experience that has occurred and the fact that we have to face how we feel along with our fears to move forward. This is why it’s important not to take drugs or alcohol while processing trauma because they can numb how we feel. This results in us delaying ourselves the benefit of working through our trauma. Working through our trauma is what eventually leads to healing.

Jacob was still working through the trauma of losing his son Joseph. Benjamin, having been requested to leave him was a trigger point for his trauma causing discomfort.

Sometimes, carrying trauma can push us into such a place of discomfort requiring us to face our fears. In Jacob’s case, the food had run low again. He had to face his fear of sending his youngest son, Benjamin, to Egypt or else he and his family would have died.

Now the famine was still severe in the land. So, when they had eaten all the grain they had brought from Egypt, their father said to them, “Go back and buy us a little more food.” – Genesis 43:1

Take your brother also and go back to the man at once. And may God Almighty grant you mercy before the man so that he will let your other brother and Benjamin come back with you. As for me, if I am bereaved, I am bereaved.” – Genesis 43:13-14

Our Trust in God Grows as We Work Through Our Trauma Facing Our Fears

On top of Jacob, facing his fears, he had to also trust God with whatever the outcome would be. He had to make a choice saying to himself that he would still be okay, come what may. We have to do the same thing when our hearts become faint at traumatic experiences that we’ve encountered. Little did Jacob realize; that his entire remaining years would not be marked by trauma. He would experience joy again in a way that seemed unreal.

When we are dealing with trauma, it feels the same. It feels like we will not be able to live again to the full extent that maybe we have lived before. But when we face our fears working through our trauma trusting in God—He will exceed our expectations to the point of being stunned.

Jacob’s Restoration

Let me share what happened next. The brothers went back to Egypt with their younger brother Benjamin. After Joseph tested his brothers, to see if they would protect his younger brother Benjamin, he revealed himself to his brothers. His brothers went back to their father sharing that Joseph was yet alive and was the governor of Egypt. The Bible says Jacob was stunned at this news.

One translation of scripture says, Jacob’s heart fainted within him at the news because he did not believe them. The word faint in Greek means to grow numb or be feeble. This was a state Jacob had lived in. I believe the news initially acted as a trigger to take him back to the place of the pain of the loss of his son. Yet, he stayed engaged with his sons as they continued to show him proof.

He finally knew it was not a cruel joke. His son Joseph was indeed alive and longed to see him. Jacob went from being faint-hearted to his heart and spirit being revived.

But when they told him everything Joseph had said to them, and when he saw the carts, Joseph had sent to carry him back, the spirit of their father Jacob revived. And Israel said, “I’m convinced! My son Joseph is still alive. I will go and see him before I die.” – Genesis 45:27-28

I believe this story is a picture of how God wishes for us to walk in freedom after experiencing traumatic heartache. He doesn’t want us to stay in that place of pain. He wants us to keep on living—not just to get through the day, but to greatly enjoy our days. If you are on a journey to healing after experiencing any type of trauma or heartache; please remember it will not always be this way. God has more for you. Your life isn’t over. Continue to trust God to see what he uses to revive your spirit.

Know that God will also always use our traumatic experiences for our good and the good of others as he did with Joseph, his brothers, and Jacob. We can expect this as God is the same yesterday, today, and forever.

How to Navigate Persecution from Believers

Following Christ will come with some persecution. I share this because I do not want anyone to turn away from walking with the Lord due to persecution. Christ even warned us in his word that those who follow him will have to bear their cross.

We know the cross is symbolic of Christ’s suffering, which can be viewed as a form of persecution. However, Christ’s suffering was not without a purpose. God promises to use all things including persecution to work together for our good. Not only does it work together for our good but for the good of the kingdom of God.

See below encouraging verses on persecution:

But even if you should suffer for what is right, you are blessed. “Do not fear their threats; do not be frightened.” – 1 Peter 3:14

Yea, and all that will live godly in Christ Jesus shall suffer persecution. – 2 Timothy 3:12

Then Jesus said unto His disciples, “If any man will come after Me, let him deny himself and take up his cross and follow Me. – Matthew 16:24

The book of Acts is an amazing book to read when in the process of being persecuted. It helps us to see the bigger picture in persecution and gives us truth to combat the lies Satan speaks to us while in persecution.

In the book of Acts, we see the disciples being put into jail and rejoicing that they get to suffer for such a great cause—the kingdom of God.

So, they departed from the presence of the council, rejoicing that they were counted worthy to suffer shame for His name. – Acts 5:41

Here, Peter had just escaped prison with others of the disciples. They were beaten publicly as a shameful disgrace but that isn’t how they saw it. I’d asked God, “How did they get to the point of rejoicing under the pressure of their persecution and immediately, I thought of Hebrews 12.

“Fixing our eyes on Jesus, the pioneer and perfecter of faith. For the joy set before him he endured the cross, scorning its shame, and sat down at the right hand of the throne of God.” – Hebrews 12:2

When others try to force shame on you—do like Jesus and don’t pay much attention to it. You aren’t in a shameful position. You’re in a position where you should have hope of Joy—like Jesus. People sometimes persecute others because of their lack of understanding. Not because they are evil people.

Persecution from Other Believers is Hurtful

Much of the persecution we experience that will be hurtful will come from other believers. We have to rely on the Lord for grace and strength to not deal with them according to our flesh but with understanding hearts. Often, God will use our continued obedience within the persecution as an example to those who do not know better.

Even Jesus said, “Father forgive them because they do not know what they do.” Stephen, one of Jesus’ disciples who was stoned for the sake of the gospel said the same thing looking into heaven before he gave up his last breath. Jesus and Stephen had an understanding of their persecutors. They understood they were ignorant of what they were being required to walk through by God. Having an understanding of our persecutors helps us to practice patience with them.

Practicing patience with our detractors becomes our honor:

A person’s insight gives him patience, and his virtue is to overlook an offense. – Proverbs 19:11 (CSB)

Finally, it takes humility to know or understand more than someone who has decided to persecute you and still not seek revenge or harm against our persecutors. In short, enduring persecution is another opportunity for us to practice humility.

God use Persecution for Our Good and to Spread the Gospel

Remember God always uses persecution and all things to work together for our good and the good of the kingdom. This is seen in Acts 10 and 11 just after Stephen is stoned. He submits himself to God praying for his assailants. Next, the church is shocked by this gruesome death for the gospel’s sake. It just got real! Thus, we see the church scattered in Acts 11. This, although difficult, aided in causing the gospel to spread quickly into other regions. Where God’s people scattered—the gospel followed and more and more people were saved.

“The Lord’s hand was with them, and a great number of people believed and turned to the Lord – Acts 11:21

God was with them in persecution and he will be with us. There’s another story where God tells Paul not to be afraid to continue preaching the gospel. The apostles were living in real-time persecution that produced real fear. Just like with us. Sometimes the persecution can get so heavy—we live facing real fears.

However, God is faithful to walk through every fear with us and to empower us to go on—in his name. Just like he did with Daniel and his friends in the fiery furnace—he’ll do with us. This isn’t new. It’s all a part of the process.

Some key things to remember regarding persecution:

See below notes… Also, add scripture in Acts with Paul being warned by God not to be afraid to continue to preach the gospel.

Living Boldly in the Peculiarity of Extended Singleness

Boldness is a by-product of walking with God as a believer. If we don’t have it immediately—God will allow circumstances to develop it within us. When God leads us through peculiar situations—we end up having to walk out choices that others aren’t used to nor do others expect.

Because our lives can sometimes go against the norm of what’s expected of us—others feel emboldened to insert their opinions into our lives. They lack understanding of what is really going on with us and in many ways, we become educators to them by our example.

However, if we aren’t confident in our boldness, we may acquiesce to try to please those who lack understanding rather than obeying God’s trajectory for our lives. Usually, when God has a unique trajectory for our lives—there is a specific purpose. Not everyone will understand and it will require boldness.

Jesus Exampled Boldness Shocking the Expectation of the Religious Leaders

Jesus lived in a peculiar situation. He had a purpose of revealing who he was as the son of God and destroying the works of Satan. This involved him traveling around preaching the gospel of the kingdom of God. It was outside of the norm of what some of the religious leaders expected.

He was not as concerned with the law as he was with mankind receiving salvation. The religious leaders had missed the main point of the law which was to point to our need for Christ. This is seen in the story where Jesus and some of his disciples picked corn on the Sabbath day:

“At that time Jesus went through the grainfields on the Sabbath. His disciples were hungry and began to pick some heads of grain and eat them.  When the Pharisees saw this, they said to him, “Look! Your disciples are doing what is unlawful on the Sabbath.”

 He answered, “Haven’t you read what David did when he and his companions were hungry? He entered the house of God, and he and his companions ate the consecrated bread—which was not lawful for them to do, but only for the priests.

Or haven’t you read in the Law that the priests on Sabbath duty in the temple desecrate the Sabbath and yet are innocent?  I tell you that something greater than the temple is here.  If you had known what these words mean, ‘I desire mercy, not sacrifice,’ you would not have condemned the innocent.  For the Son of Man is Lord of the Sabbath. – Matthew 12:1-8”

Jesus and his Disciples were in a Peculiar Situation.

Jesus replied, “Foxes have dens and birds have nests, but the Son of Man has no place to lay his head.” – Matthew 8:20

The above speaks of the sacrifice required, at the time, to follow Christ and to prioritize God’s purpose for Christ being on the earth. He had a mission to reveal salvation through himself and train the disciples so they could further spread the gospel after he retired back up to heaven.

Therefore, he had no plans of living a normal life of only working, eating, and drinking. He made sacrifices. He traveled a lot to spread the Word of the gospel. Yet, he was condemned by the religious leaders simply because they lacked understanding.

In this life of spontaneity, he and his disciples had become hungry. They began to pick some corn on the sabbath day to eat. Instead of considering the unique situation that Jesus and his disciples lived in for the purpose of God—the religious leaders judged them by law. They did not consider the welfare of Jesus or his disciples. Instead, their concern was making themselves look good in upholding the law.

Jesus was patient with them as he referenced David who lived in a Peculiar situation as well. David was also not settled in what we would consider a home or place of safety. He had been running for his life from King Saul who sought to kill him.

Therefore, David had to hide. This lifestyle of being on the run—caused him and his men who were with him to be hungry. They ate the bread that should have been consecrated for the priests.

Both David & Jesus’ Peculiar Living Situations for the Purpose God had Ordained Caused Them to Have to Take Actions Others Weren’t Comfortable With

God’s purpose with King David was to develop the character within him to be King of Israel. Not only did the future King David have to be developed by God to be king, but to be a type or metaphor that points toward Christ. You see, Israel was never supposed to have a king but God was supposed to be their king. God is married to Israel per the book of Jeremiah. It’s a picture of God’s covenant of love, commitment, salvation, and restoration of mankind.

This is why King David’s throne is the throne that will always have a ruler of David’s lineage. Jesus is the final ruler. who is also referenced as the Son of David. Jesus fulfills the prophecy to always reign on David’s throne. I hope this isn’t too deep. If you read your study Bible you will see all of the references of how all of this ties together.

With such great purposes—there is often great weight that others who have different callings do not have to deal with. Therefore, the advice offered by others may not even be applicable to the person it is being offered to. Just like our examples of Jesus and David. They had to do what they had to do to eat on the Sabbath day. And David had to do what he had to do to survive for God’s purpose in him.

Similarly, to King David and Jesus Each of Us has Our Own Cross to Bear of The Lord for Some of Us It’s Being Single Longer (Extended Singleness)

Being single for long periods of time looks awkward. Especially for those for whom marriage came easy. However, I’m sure God doesn’t want us to try to force a relationship to experience marriage. God doesn’t get glory out of people just getting married. He gets glory out of people having marriages that honor him. Until then, he is honored in our obedience to him as a single believer.

I’m not asking for anyone’s permission to be accepted with them to stand in boldness as a single. I’ve gotten to the point where I simply do not care. Whoever is with me is with me and whoever is against me is against me. God called me to walk in boldness as I enjoy my singleness and walk out the unique sacrifices that come with this lifestyle.

Others will not understand, as they did not understand King David or Jesus. However, my responsibility is not to acquiesce to other’s expectations of me—but to be bold like my example—the chief—Jesus Christ himself.

The wicked flee when no man pursueth, but the righteous are bold as a lion. – Proverbs 28:1

Stand your ground in boldness, gentleness, and grace. Boldness meaning, “A willingness to take risks and act innovatively; confidence or courage. 2. The quality of having a strong, vivid, or clear appearance (Oxyford Languages Dictionary, 2024.)”

Why Being Friends First Makes for a Better Relationship

Russelyn, you’re not in a relationship yet? An all too familiar inferential question to singles implying there is something wrong. However, having healthy relationships with people of the opposite sex as friends is a relationship just not a romantic one.  At least, not at first and that’s okay. Why? Because friendship provides a healthy foundation for a more satisfactory relationship.

Trust is Built as a Friendship Provides a More Solid Foundation for a Lasting Relationship

Those who establish a genuine friendship first before entering a romantic relationship have gotten the most important things out of the way. Things like shared values, seeing a person for who they are without the pressure of feeling as though they have to be perfect or impress the other person.

Real trust is built in this type of environment. Further, the tools to cultivate healthy communication and resolve conflict are developed within an environment where those involved feel safe to be themselves.

Lust is not a Good Foundation for Love

The contrary is an environment built on lust. Passionate lust often causes us to move so fast that nothing else becomes more important than satisfying our lust. When the lust fizzes out—there is nothing else to hold the relationship up with. The realities of character flaws that were previously ignored begin to chip away at what’s left of a connection until the connection is completely gone. Therefore, lust is a poor foundation for a relationship. While friendship allows for more stability when a relationship finally does turn romantic.

What Does This Tell Us?

It’s more beneficial to focus on building friendships with others than dating relationships. Those of us who desire something real may mention we want an organic relationship—something that kind of just comes together.

Friendship creates an environment where something can just come together. Therefore, those who encourage people who are single and desire marriage should encourage singles to place themselves within environments with people they can build friendships with not just to date. Out of the safe environment of friendship dating can occur while yielding a more productive relationship.

Friendships Help to Guard One Another’s Hearts Along with Honesty

Friendships help to guard one another’s hearts better as there isn’t a false expectation of more. However, some friends can be dishonest and only remain present in the hopes of romance. This is where honesty becomes important. Beginning with honesty about whether there is a genuine attraction or not to a friend.

No one should agree to be in a romantic relationship with someone just because someone is a good person and there is no genuine attraction there. A genuine attraction would have to grow at some point for the relationship to develop into something more.

I read a book where a Christian psychologist encouraged a woman seeking a healthy relationship to find someone like her genuine guy friend who she shared values with but also had an attraction to. A person may not be the magazine or movie star level of attraction but there should be some genuine attraction there. If no genuine attraction ever grows—that person is probably only meant to stay in the friend zone and that’s okay.

Other Benefits to Being Friends First

Research shows there are lower divorce rates among those who are friends first. The emotional bond between the couple tends to be stronger when the couple are Best friends as well. Higher levels of marriage satisfaction and happiness are reported among couples who are friends first.

A study in a book by Dr. John Gottman, Judy Doug Abrams, and Rachel Karl Abrams shares that men have sex for an emotional connection while women need an emotional connection to have sex. Among those surveyed over 90% of men and women agreed with this statement. Therefore, the sex life can be better in a relationship where the couple are friends first due to the stronger emotional connection.

If you’re worn out by the distress of dating—fallback, enjoy your life in Christ, and focus on building healthy friendships with others including the opposite sex. When the time is right—you’ll see one of your healthy friendships develop into more.

How a Woman’s Need for Security Can Turn into Control Creating Disunity in Marriage

I recently watched the Barbie movie. I thought it was so well put together as it revealed a fear that many women have. This fear creates tension between men and women as men wrestle with their own sense of accomplishment and manhood.

Okay, we all know the Lord commands his blessing in unity. Satan seeks to divide men and women because instead of a blessing—chaos will be the natural result expressing itself as disunity. Sometimes as women, we allow ourselves to give place to the devil due to our fears. This is while not realizing that we are creating disunity and unnecessary tension in what we say we want. A healthy marriage.

How was this fear shown in the Barbie Movie?

This fear was made explicit in the Barbie movie when Ken struggled with his image as a man. He’d lived in a Barbie world—where women ruled. When attending the real world—he saw that men ruled and men were respected.

What Ken experienced in the real world spoke to a natural need that he had as a man. That need was to be seen with respect. To be admired and desired by his Barbie of choice. There is nothing wrong with this. It’s a natural God-built desire in men.

Just like there is nothing wrong with women desiring to feel secure. To feel secure—things need to be lined up in a certain way. We want to know our men are submitted to God. We want to have the rest and assurance of a home of our own to come to and raise children together with our husbands.

We want to know that if it takes us some time to recover from having a baby or perhaps we encounter post-partum depression—our stress can be alleviated and we aren’t forced into further places of stress like having to become the main breadwinner. There is nothing wrong with that.

The problem is when we seek to get our needs met by control and not trusting God. When we seek to control one another instead of yielding to one another’s needs in humility—we give place to the devil.

Ken, in the film, came back to Barbieland and turned it into Ken’s land. He taught the other Kens to rule over the Barbies in such a way that the women primarily served the men as if they had no other purpose.

The Barbies weren’t innocent as they never allowed any man to be in a position of government or authority. They were very clear in the fact they did not trust the men to rule. Even at the end—the Black Barbie said she’d allow some of the men to have jobs but not in the cabinets relating to governing. The movie ended on distrust of men although it had some positive attributes aside from this topic.

The point is women—we need to be aware of our fears. We need to be aware of what makes us feel unsafe or insecure in the environments our men create for us. We need to trust God and be patient as the man we’ve chosen works together with us to create an environment that would make us feel more secure. Likewise, we need to be considerate of what would make that man feel wanted, needed, and respected as well.

We reap what we sow. If we sow what the man needs—he will be willing to sow what we need. The vice versa is correct as well. When the man, who is the leader, sows what the woman needs—she will be more willing to sow what he needs.

How we Address Our Need for Security With Our Spouse is Important

I talked about this in a previous article about communication. Wisdom is needed in how a woman communicates with her man. Women should not wait until they are upset or in a heated argument to address concerns had with their man that would make them feel less safe.

Instead, a woman should choose a time when both her and her man are even-natured about how they feel about each other. Maybe after a good meal or some great time spent together doing something the couple both enjoy. At that time, sharing, “You know, x,y, and z would make me feel safe.”

She could even add something like this:

“I love the way you make me feel safe communicating with me through the day, buying me flowers, coming home from work on time. You know what would also make me feel safe is x,y, and z.”

This is communicated in a way that builds a man up instead of tears him down. It doesn’t accuse him or make him feel unuseful, controlled, or unneeded.

Instead, it speaks to his natural desire as a man to feel useful and needed. Depending on what it is, it may take some time. This is where we have to remain in a posture of trusting God, our husband’s ability to grow, and his ability to provide the security we need while remaining patient.

If you know you have a good man—make sure he knows you appreciate him. Make sure he knows you don’t want to take him for granted. Finally, make sure you don’t allow your fear of not feeling secure because of the process of it all that you seek to control him to bring about what would make you secure more quickly. In our minds, we may be trying to help but in his, it may be seen as belittling him. This will never make a woman feel secure.

It will instead create the division that Satan desires which results in the chaos we do not want. Remember God commands his blessing toward those who dwell in unity. Make sure as a woman of God—you are doing your part.

Showing that you trust that man to listen to you and address your concerns while praying for him and trusting God will help that man to do what needs to be done more quickly than control and belittlement. Trusting our man takes trust in God.

Marriage and relationships take work. Everything doesn’t work itself out overnight. Patience and endurance is a requirement. Allow the Lord to develop this within you as you work together to create unity. Control is an unfortunate way to sabotage your marriage, your personal growth and your spouse’s.

Where Do Christian Singles Meet?

Everyone has their opinion on why so many Christians are single from being too picky or there not being enough godly men or women to choose from to feminism and more. However, the truth be told—it’s just been difficult for genuine and mature Christians to find one another.

When I was in my late 20s and early 30s, I had the Legacy conference to look forward to every year in Chicago. I just knew I’d meet some men my age and sisters in Christ to hang with. I did meet various men and experienced the norm.

The norm is everyone you may be interested in may not be interested in you. No matter how awesome you are—you still have to submit to God’s timing for a reciprocal God-honoring relationship. It simply was not time. At least, I had a place to look forward to meeting and seeing godly men. These are the things that provide evidence against the lie that there are no godly men out there and vice versa for the men regarding women.

Thankfully, there are many more co-ed opportunities for us to look forward to that have been opening up. Taking advantage of these opportunities help to make the wait a lot easier until God’s appointed time for us to become more than friends with our special someone. Check out the below places Christian singles meet.

The Sexless Tribe

Many Christian singles meet at TST. TST is The Sexless Tribe, a community for Christian Singles committed to practicing abstinence until marriage. The group is led by Shakia Seabrook. She hosts a meetup in Atlanta every year.

Yonci’s World

Single Christian men and women meet at Yonci’s world. However, her community isn’t exclusive to Christians although there are some Christians in her community. She is a mature dating coach with an exclusive Instagram page with several men looking for their wives. Not all. Discernment is required, but a good handful of mature brothers. I can tell there are mature men in the group because I’m in the Patreon group.

She polls the men asking them questions and allowing us women-folk to read the responses so we can have an idea of the mindsets of the men in the group. There is a low-cost $10 a month plan that allows access to all of this. Plus, we get an opportunity to meet together monthly via Zoom. For those who live in Dallas Texas—she hosts almost weekly events and she has a big one coming up Labor Day weekend for the singles to meet one another. To learn more about Yonci, consider following her Instagram.

Dear Future Wifey

If you aren’t familiar with Laterras Whitfield—you must be hiding under a rock. He is the founder of the L.I.T. community birthed from his weekly podcast—Dear Future Wifey. L.I.T. means living intentionally and transparently. As single believers, we do just that. He hosts annual trips and/or retreats. Last year, we went to Jamaica. It was co-ed. I believe he is planning something for November of this year. Check out his podcast and check the subscription box below a resent video to be added to his email list for information about future trips.

Fly and Unmarried

Fly and Unmarried is a single’s ministry out of a church in Florida. I met the gentleman who co-leads this group through a single’s FB group. He invited me and I pop in whenever I get the chance. He co-leads with a Christian therapist. They both provide insightful knowledge for singles on a Zoom with both single men and women. Everyone is seen and heard here as it’s a safe online community for Christian singles. Those interested will have to reach out to David via his Facebook page.

The Single Christian Hub – The Single Christian Hub is another place where single Christians meet. I found this while doing an internet search for something. I’ve not attended any of About (thechristiansingleshub.com)

Heart of Dating Conference

Let’s not forget about the Heart of Dating Community and Conference. The conference is held once per year. Single Christian men and women meet from all around the world to be poured into. Kait Wartman is the founder.

While many of us Christian singles may be single—that doesn’t mean we cannot meet up together and enjoy life. I’m so thankful for God’s keeping power! It’s kept me healthy, peaceful and persevering as a single. It’s my desire to see other single believers experience that and that’s why I created this list.

The Black National Convention

The Black National Convention is a place where mature Black people meet to learn about various topics to uplift the Black community. Topics range from business, AI, Self-help and more. There is also speed dating that takes place as well. Dr. Boyce Watkins is the founder of the event and the Black Business School.

The Legacy Conference

The Legacy Conference is a staple where Christian singles meet among all Urban Christians in general. The conference isn’t specific to Christian singles but many of us would attend yearly. They are hosting the events in several cities. Workshops and musical guests are the highlights of the Legacy Conference. It’s definitely a nice place to meet like-minded believers.

Avoiding the sex Addiction Pit in Dating & Singleness

This article is heavily based on the knowledge found in “Boundaries in Dating (Chapter 17 Summary).” The chapter warning on the importance of saving sex for the commitment of marriage starts out discussing abstinence until marriage as a reflection of purity and holiness.

Holiness means to be set apart, honored, highly prized, and dignity. This is how we should see our commitment to wait. It also proves our ability to practice self-control. Something we should embody and look for in others that we wish to pursue toward dating and potentially marriage.

Sex Addiction Can be Avoided Through Understanding This

The ability to have self-control means the ability to practice delayed gratification—a healthy tool needed for a thriving marriage. A partner should be able to deny himself for the greater good of the relationship. Sacrifices will be required in marriage and demonstration of one’s commitment to wait for sex is a strong indicator of one’s ability to sacrifice as necessary.

It is God’s will that you should be sanctified: that you should avoid sexual immorality;  that each of you should learn to control your own body[a] in a way that is holy and honorable, not in passionate lust like the pagans, who do not know God; – 1 Thessalonians 4:3-5

I don’t know if you’ve ever experienced the drawing in of passionate lust from someone you were dating or as a vice from a need you needed to address. This is one of the most dangerous forms of temptation as it fragments your soul. This is to say the below:

“Passionate lust splits you from your heart, mind, values, and the life you truly desire.”

Henry describes a healthy person as one who is integrated. Meaning all “aspects of a person are connected and working together.”

He uses the example of someone who gives their body 100 percent to someone who only gives their soul partially if they aren’t willing to commit to the person they are sleeping with. He calls these people lusters, who often use sex as a cover to avoid dealing with the deeper parts of development within themselves that would make him a healthier person qualified to relate to others in a committed relationship.

“Instead of expressing love through sex, the luster replaces love with sex.”

In doing so, he neglects developing the skills needed to build a genuinely loving relationship. The woman who allows this type of behavior is harming the luster by enabling him to continue in this unhealthy pattern. It’s best to say no to this type of temptation and take God’s way of escape immediately. Many married women have married sex addicts this way finding that they have a non-relational partner.

Sex to Meet a Need Leading to Addiction and Lack of Self-Control

Perhaps, you have become a non-relational partner who is addicted to sex because you use it to fulfill a need. Sally is a client of Henry’s in the book, who became promiscuous and sexually addicted during dating to fulfill the need of being wanted.

This is something she’d felt she lacked from her childhood. After discovering the things that drew her to her sexual experiences in counseling—she realized her lack of desire to feel wanted. She began fulfilling that need in a support group with men in non-sexual ways. This allowed her to stop her promiscuity altogether. She now chooses men based on her values instead of her need to feel wanted. I would encourage you to pick up the book, “Boundaries in Dating: and read chapter 17 a few times over.” Go before the Lord in prayer and ask him to uncover what needs may be drawing you to sexual relationships outside of marriage. Ask the Lord to show you healthier ways to meet those needs and begin to pursue what God shows you.

Eventually, you will regain back your self-control like Sally. You’ll also get reacquainted with your values and implement boundaries to protect those values while entertaining others for real love instead of the temporary fix of lust that is always fleeting like a never-ending pit.

Having lost all sensitivity, they have given themselves over to sensuality to indulge in every kind of impurity, and they are full of greed. – Ephesians 4:19 (NIV)

Below are the top five needs that drive people to passionate lust:

1. The need for intimacy and connection

2. The need to feel admired and desired

3. The need for power

4. The need to be free and out from under something like parental control

5. The need to avoid working through pain and loss

6. The need to overcome shame and bad feelings about oneself.

Ask yourself do you have any of these needs and how are you meeting them in healthy ways. Self-awareness is so important in relationships in general and dating. They help us to be aware of why we are doing the things we’re doing or involving ourselves in the things we involve ourselves in resulting in better decisions. Pick up Dr. Cloud’s book, “Boundaries in Dating.”

Boundaries in Dating, a book by Dr. Henry Cloud and John Townsend. In it, they point out some very important boundaries and wisdom for dating. We’ll start by sharing his definition of a boundary as a property line. Just like property lines show where your property ends and another begins—your boundaries do the same.

He points out that your boundaries protect your emotional property by providing an intuition of when your boundaries are crossed. This is usually the case when someone tries to control you, get too close to you, or make you do something you aren’t comfortable doing.

Further, Cloud shares that boundaries define us. They point out what we are and are not love and hate, and our values. Being honest about these things he says makes the dating process easier. Examples of boundaries shared in the book are below:

• “Words: telling someone no and being honest about your disagreement”
• “The truth: bringing reality to a problem”
• “Distance: allowing time or physical space between two people to protect or as a consequence for irresponsible behavior”
• “Other people: Using supportive friends to help keep a limit”

Not owning our boundaries properly can lead to things like not being ourselves, dating the wrong person, and dating out of fear and hurt whether than values. These notes on boundaries in dating are the reason it’s so important to get to know ourselves before dating.

As Dr. Cloud says dating is for the mature. Other nuggets are shared in the book such as: Dealing with the Fear of loneliness, avoiding falling for someone you would not be friends with, and the issue with co-dependency.

Fear of Loneliness (Boundaries in Dating)

Dr. Cloud had worked with a woman who’d recently broken up with her boyfriend. Because of the excessive feeling of aloneness, the woman felt—she returned to the relationship she knew was not good for her. She had put up with bad relationships in her past showing a pattern of not being able to be alone. Below are things people put up with when dating based on loneliness:

• “Putting up with disrespectful behavior”
• “Putting up with things that do not align w/your values”
• “Settling for less than you know you desire or need”
• “Going back to a relationship you know should be over”
• “Getting into a relationship you know is going nowhere”

When dating from aloneness, the dating is done from your fear of being alone whether than your values. This is unhealthy. To overcome this, a boundary must be created where you do not allow yourself to date until you resolve the aloneness issue.

Solving aloneness should be done outside of a romantic relationship per Dr. Cloud. It should be done by these two things:

1. Strengthening your relationship with God and avoiding using a romantic relationship to get God’s-sized needs healed.
2. Strengthening your relationships with safe, loving, and caring people outside of romance. This would be friends and family.

Only after the aloneness is resolved is it safe to go back into dating.

Don’t Fall in Love with Someone You Cannot Be Friends With

A patient of Dr. Cloud’s had a good friend, Dennis, and a romantic interest, Ryan. The good friend aligned with the patient’s values, but Ryan did not. There was just a strong attraction drawing her to him that she could not justify. Essentially, it was an empty relationship based on romantic feelings alone. This could not develop into a sustainable relationship and the patient was setting herself up for disappointment by continuing to date Ryan. Dr. Cloud encouraged her to instead find a guy she was attracted to who possessed the same qualities as Dennis.

Dr. Cloud warns of the false hope that we can change someone with different values. Instead, we need to realize they would have to change on their own. See being attracted to him/her as a problem and focus yourself on the reality of the situation as much as possible. Don’t confuse feelings of longing for love or infatuation for love. Lastly, find accountability that will not allow you to get involved in such a relationship. It’s hard to be in denial when you have friends who tell you the truth.

Dependency in Dating

In dependent relationships, dependency is often confused with love. Dependency is good but can be an inhibitor for us taking responsibility to grow in areas where we are weak. For example, there is a story in the book where a woman named Lindsey depends on her boyfriend, Alex—to deal with all confrontations in her life. At one point, he’d felt used and confronted her.

Thankfully, she listened and began to work on her assertiveness in a support group. She saw this as an opportunity to grow instead of only depending on Alex. In relationships where our partner has strengths we do not—it is helpful for us to work on those areas of weakness rather than to only use their strengths.

There are several ways a dependent relationship can turn unhealthy. The stronger party could manipulate the weaker. The stronger person can resent the weaker. The weaker party could be dismissive of the stronger one’s feelings of resentment and so on.

Read more on Boundaries in Dating in the book. There are so many good nuggets to share. I’ll provide a follow-up article on the boundary of saving sex for marriage next time on the blog.