Routines are good because they can help us to practice discipline, but routines can be harmful when the importance of a routine takes precedence over intimacy and genuine mental and emotional connection in a marriage. Being robotic in a sense where work becomes more important than seeing that there is something wrong with your spouse can become an issue. Resentment can become a natural reaction and a wedge of separation is formed.

Take, for example, a couple who normally goes to church on Sunday. The husband takes the trash out every Tuesday, kisses his wife, and everything seems fine. The wife is taken care of financially, talks all day to her husband, cooks, and everything is fine. Let’s say the man breaks the routine and doesn’t want to talk so much. Maybe, he starts to withdraw and even picks up some bad habits that aren’t characteristic of a Christian and not what the godly wife expects.

If the woman condemns him for his actions of breaking the routine that she expected instead of fighting alongside him against the root cause of the issue; that man may feel as though he is in his marriage alone and he may withdraw even more. Meanwhile, the wife attempts to garner support from others sharing that her husband is no good based on his actions in the current moment of the struggle rather than the character of the man she chose to marry and love. She fights more so for the routine to be re-installed than for the husband that she says she loves. This can be a serious issue in a marriage.

The Bible shares the below about a foolish woman:

A wise woman builds her home, but a foolish woman tears it down with her own hands. – Proverbs 14:1

In the scenario above, the woman has an opportunity to apply wisdom. It will be uncomfortable, and it will expose some insecurities she may have, but if the man is a genuine godly brother and she a genuine godly sister, the both of them will grow stronger together because of the wisdom applied that would cause them to fight alongside one another rather than fight one another. The woman in the scenario; however, is fighting for the comfort of her robotic routine rather than the freedom of her spouse.

Sadly, some women have a fairytale―all about me attitude, when it comes to marriage. This attitude requires the man to only perform for her. When the man shows weakness; he is put down, disrespected, verbally abused, and almost discarded.

She sees him as her robot instead of a human. Humans have weaknesses, run into roadblocks, and sometimes get overwhelmed and discouraged. Sometimes they need their spouse to show genuine concern for what’s going on with them.

Likewise, some men want to only use their wives sexually as a coping mechanism to get through without showing concern for her emotionally. She is more than a sex object, but a whole human being.

I didn’t even mention how having children can amplify the situation. The routine of robotism can cause a couple to forget the genuine need of one another to simply be. That is to be safe, heard, valued, and comforted with knowing they get one another and are there for one another.

Continued robotic routine with the man and woman only performing for one another to keep the peace, can begin to eat away at true intimacy and emotional and mental connection. Eventually, the couple may become cold and hard wondering how they got there.

This is a real issue. The couple will have to realize it took time to get like this and it will take time to get out of this. Humility will be required for both parties to come together and communicate with respect. A third-party counselor can help to mediate this. If the spars at one another have gotten too harsh for peace; brief separation may be required while each person takes responsibility in working on him and her selves.

“Self-righteousness will not hold a marriage together. There’s going to have to be some humility from both parties.”

Don’t do marriage alone. Allow wise and mature people in enough to build you up and tell you both the truth. Check out resources at Build a Better Us Ministry as they provide education and workshops around this topic.

Tests in your marriage can bring you together in a stronger way if you have the proper wisdom to navigate it. Here wisdom from the Word of God below

See the parable in Luke 11:39 when Jesus and his disciples are questioned by the religious leaders on why they do not wash their hands before eating.

Jesus’ response was to share with the religious leader that it isn’t about the routine of washing the hands or washing the outside of a cup, but the inside of the cup. In other words, Jesus was saying they were focused on the wrong thing.

They want to have an appearance of cleanliness, but where it counts which is the inside of a person, the inner man of the heart, that is neglected. The Bible says that it’s the inner man where various sins are birthed out (See Matthew 15:16-20).

When a couple focuses on a robotic routine instead of tending to the inner man of themselves and the spouse; they focus on the wrong things leaving themselves vulnerable for an attack on their marriage.

From personal experience, dating God’s way often means long periods of not dating at all. When was the last time you’ve been on a date? Be honest. There is nothing to be ashamed of if you have not dated in a while. I used to be ashamed of not having gone on a date in a long time. I used to even question myself if I was worthy of being courted, pursued, or finely dined. As an older person, who’s been there and done that; I realize I don’t want it unless it’s with someone that I can potentially see a future with.

I’m 37 years old. I date with purpose when I date. I desire real genuine love and commitment, and I strongly believe that is out there for me in God’s timing. I had to learn to wait for what’s right over right now. It can be discouraging as a woman with standards not being asked out by men who share the same values. As a Christian, I don’t want to be unequally yoked. I only want to marry another Christian, so I only date other Christians, but there’s the thing of Christian men not approaching Christian women. As a Christian woman, who’s primarily approached by none Christian men; it can be a temptation to try to fix a man or missionary date a man, but when you’re mature and you’ve been there and done that; it’s no longer an option.

Probably the greatest issue that our generation faces is bringing men and women together of like minds and values to build together. The first and foundational part of building a healthy relationship is to have similar values. The core values are the things that are less typical of changing. They hold everything else up built upon them. Core values are your strong personal convictions such as your faith, your morals, and attitudes around family, money, social norms, and the treatment of others.

Once the values are in place, other less important aspects of a potential partner can be considered like how much money a person makes, how big or small their belly is, or their height. These things can be compromised on, but core values must be agreed upon. The Bible says, “How can two walk together except they are agreed? (Amos 3:3)”

Don’t feel like you’re doing yourself a disservice by not having gone on a date, but rather be open to communicate with various men you meet whether in the church, at an event, in the grocery store, or whatever venue. Just be open to communicate with him to find out what their values look like. When you are whole, content, and self-loving enough to pass up on what doesn’t align with your core values; you’re ready to truly date with a purpose. You’re equipped with patience to wait as long as it takes because you embody being a woman or man of God who knows s/he’s worth it.

For the ladies, I have a game-plan that you can use when going throughout your day and a man approaches you. You can ask him a question that will begin to show you pieces of his heart. This question also leads to more questions where you can either connect with him further or back up and gracefully let him know you aren’t the one for him. I believe we all have a match if the Lord wills. Everyone simply just isn’t for us, and it’s okay to recognize that and gracefully keep it moving.

This blog post is a video of an interview that I did with Camille of Purely Bacherlorette on my latest book, “Patterns of the Heart: Discernment in Choosing a Potential Spouse.” I share regarding my journey as a 37-year-old virgin and single Christian woman, and how I learned to accept myself, overcame brokenness due to my household upbringing, and how I learned to appreciate God’s grace even more and how appreciating God’s grace even more is a good prerequisite to getting into a marriage relationship. Finally, we cover pretty much all of the questions in the book briefly along with other nuggets.

Watch the full interview below:

Recently, I was made aware of a show called “The Talk Back” series by Poet Ezekiel Azonwu. He has a YouTube channel called “The Azonwus” where his series can be watched. It’s an experiment where there are three urban men and three urban women who are seated with their backs turned toward one another. They ask each other questions and respond freely without seeing the facial reactions of the others.

During part 1, the ladies ask each of the men why they are single and the first brother shared that many single Christian women do not take personal accountability. Further, he shared that many single Christian women do not know what accountability is. He went on to make the point sharing that many women have dealt with such low-quality men; that they have not honestly had to look at themselves taking responsibility for where they fall short because they’re so distracted by the low-quality men.

I believe there is some truth to the above statement and it’s a scary thing for women in that position because those women aren’t yet humbly self-aware. Because they aren’t humbly self-aware of their faults or need for personal growth for focusing on the dirt of low-quality potentials; they fail to take action to make healthy changes. They do not see the need to make a change because to them they are okay. This is a common coping mechanism of the insecure. They find someone worse off or weaker than them to make themselves feel they are okay. It’s a legit issue.

I’ve experienced this myself with women who have attempted to date my brothers. We’d normally become friendly until they see an imperfect part of one of my brothers and that’s when they’ve wanted to have a trash my brother session with me, which is not appropriate. However, the immaturity in them not taking personal responsibility doesn’t communicate to them that the whole thought of putting down a relative to another relative is disrespectful. I think the pride and immaturity of not taking self-accountability blinds some women from what is normal and appropriate.

There has been an assumption with some women because I encourage and minister to women that I would agree with certain behaviors such as not taking responsibility or hating on men. That’s simply untrue. I’ve learned to be a balanced woman of balanced discernment, who has embraced the fact that I am human with weaknesses of my own. Thus, I humbly take account of my weaknesses even if it’s uncomfortable, and I pray for those who are too immature to do so. However, when confronted consistently with women, who are this way, who expect me to be on their side; I sometimes have to say something, and it’s often not well received.

I shared in my first book, “The Single Christian Woman’s Guide’ how God spoke to me in prayer when I was disappointed with the fact that I had not seen many godly men my age. God told me to focus on him and not on the men, who had been inappropriate. When we are abiding in God in honesty and humility; we are more aware of the work that God is doing in us. God will expose things within us to take account of and give over to him. There is a promise from God where He promises to prune those who abide in him and who have bought forth good fruit in the past. God prunes us so that we bring forth more good fruit.

Taking personal responsibility for our actions, thoughts, and perspectives is part of that pruning process. It will be uncomfortable. God will have to cut somethings away―wrong thinking, pride, arrogance, and idols resulting in a humble woman, who depends on God. Submitting to God’s process and continuing to take responsibility for what God shows us will always result in deliverance and healing for us.

Therefore, confess (take ownership of) your sins to each other and pray for each other so that you may be healed. The prayer of a righteous person is powerful and effective. – James 5:16

Are you a woman who does not take accountability? How do you feel about the statement that many single Christian women do not take responsibility? How do you think failing to take responsibility will affect a relationship or a marriage? Do you think this can prevent a woman from getting into a relationship? Please, share in the comments below:

Watch the video from, “The Talk Back” below:

When you choose something you genuinely want; you appreciate it more and are more willing to pay the price for it. I thought about this when I recently went into an office supplies store looking for a printer. The printers had been flying off of the shelves due to Covid-19―possibly because many people are working from home and setting up their home offices.

They did not have any printers left within the price-range I had previously decided to spend. The salesman walked around the store and looked into what inventory he had left. Finally, he came back sharing with me he’d found one more printer near my price-range that had been discontinued maybe 9 months back.

I followed him in anticipation. As I approached the printer, I noticed it looked flimsy and was nowhere near a previous design I’d decided I wanted. I would have been paying about $25 over budget for something of lesser quality. The thought passed through my mind that I would not have to look any longer for what I’d wanted if I chose this flimsy machine that looked as if it would not last very long.

I also wondered why it had been discontinued. Did the company find an error with it, I thought? Were there too many complaints or requests for refunds regarding the printer? I utilized my power of choice to make a confident decision. I decided to pass on the printer because it wasn’t what I wanted. It could not meet my needs for scanning should I have to submit work-related documents that required a signature.

I would have been settling for what was available instead of what I had intended on receiving and spending with my preciously earned money. Because I had a clear vision of a printer that I wanted before I went into the store, I did not have to waste much time trying to convince myself to want something so drastically outside of my vision.

It’s similar when it comes to choosing a spouse. Single ladies and gentlemen, you have options. Just because you may be shopping in a place where it doesn’t seem like you have many options at the moment; doesn’t mean that you should simply choose what’s available—especially when what’s available can’t meet the need nor the vision God’s assigned to your life.

Use that time to build your confidence in trusting the Lord and his good plans for you. Growing in trust towards the Lord will build the confidence you need to turn away from what isn’t for you. You’ll realize your power of choice over settling, and you’ll have the confidence you need to say no when what’s presented isn’t for you. It’s okay to exercise your power of choice to choose wisely.
I ended up looking again online for the specific printer I’d already decided I wanted. I found it at an online store that I’ve bought video and photography equipment in the past. It was on sale for the same price as the cheaper flimsier printer. This time, I was willing to pay the price because it aligned with my vision.

Single ladies and gents, we are waiting for something that not only aligns with our vision, but with God’s vision for us. It’s within that vision, that we’ll be willing to pay the price because it will be worth it. It will be what we’ve chosen all along when we disciplined ourselves to be built into those who’d be mature enough to handle the vision. So, please don’t cast your pearls before swine accepting something only because it’s available, but nowhere near the capacity to sustain the call of God on your life. Be patient and wait to choose what you are sure God has for you through your faith.

Utilize the book, “Patterns of the Heart: Discernment in Choosing a Potential Spouse” to ask thought-provoking questions when dating a potential spouse. Learn more here: Click here

Where there is no vision, the people perish: but he that keepeth the law, happy is he. – Proverbs 29:18
“Do not give dogs what is sacred; do not throw your pearls to pigs. If you do, they may trample them under their feet, and turn and tear you to pieces. – Matthew 7:6