A consistent theme women see in movies and through shared experiences is a girl kissing many frogs to get to her prince. Or a woman walking through hell with one man being, “strong” until she finally gets to the light at the end of the tunnel where she experiences love.

However, when it comes to abuse and total disregard for covenant sometimes that light at the end of the tunnel doesn’t come. It may even get darker. This is the reality of a scenario where both parties of a marriage or a relationship aren’t on the same page and aren’t trying to get on the same page.

Women Shouldering the Burden

So much responsibility is often placed on the woman to endure, suffer, go through, and be strong while she covers her man and her man leaves her uncovered. This type of experience usually results in resentment and brokenness.

Is this what God requires of women? Does he want us broken until a man gets an epiphany that we are worthy of love and protection? These are some of the questions that naturally come up when listening to the story of the Steeles.

A recent interview with a husband-and-wife couple on the Dear Future Wifey show highlighted a woman who’d experienced years of cheating by her husband as they’d married young. He was immature and in the streets in their marriage back then.

The wife considered leaving her husband. However, as she was headed for the door, she felt that she should stay. That night, she shared she’d had a dream about her husband being a preacher. From then on, she began to submit to God allowing him to minister to her as she embraced her worth.

Her view of her husband became that of a man who needed help and a savior. The compassion she grew towards him took up space where bitterness and resentment would have naturally lied. Mrs. Steele even went to the point of ironing her husband’s clothing for him before he would go to step outside of their marriage.

God Graced Mrs. Steele for her Decision to Stay

Mrs. Steele shared, “God had graced her for this experience.” Does God providing grace for an experience mean we should stay within an experience? I am going to say no. It means that God is simply honoring our choice. Scripture is clear in this scenario that each party in the marriage covenant has a choice.

“To the rest, I say this (I, not the Lord): If any brother has a wife who is not a believer and she is willing to live with him, he must not divorce her. And if a woman has a husband who is not a believer and he is willing to live with her, she must not divorce him.  For the unbelieving husband has been sanctified through his wife, and the unbelieving wife has been sanctified through her believing husband. Otherwise, your children would be unclean, but as it is, they are holy.”

“But if the unbeliever leaves, let it be so. The brother or the sister is not bound in such circumstances; God has called us to live in peace. “

“How do you know, wife, whether you will save your husband? Or, how do you know, husband, whether you will save your wife?” – 1 Corinthians 7:12-16

God Isn’t Calling Us to Bondage

We see the scriptures laying out the scenario. If the unbelieving spouse wants to stay with the believing spouse—don’t leave. However, if the unbelieving spouse departs, let him/her go. God isn’t calling us to bondage but peace. God could have saved Mr. Steele in Mrs. Steele’s absence. Her staying was not a requirement for his healing. It was her choice. She had the full freedom to leave according to scripture. Mr. Steele had left their marriage several times stepping out as well as communicating he did not want to be with her. Further, scripture warns us not to associate with abusive people.

But now I have written to you not to keep company with anyone named a brother, who is sexually immoral, or covetous, or an idolater, or a reviler, (abuser) or a drunkard, or an extortioner—not even to eat with such a person. – 1 Corinthians 5:22

Because she chose to stay, God used her as an example to her husband helping to foster his reconciliation with the Lord:

Wives, in the same way, submit yourselves to your own husbands so that, if any of them do not believe the word, they may be won over without words by the behavior of their wives, – 1 Peter 3:1

God’s empowerment to Mrs. Steele allowed her behavior to foster the conviction power of God within Mr. Steele. Submission to the Holy Spirit’s leading is the only way this can be done when someone chooses to stay.

Finally, the above scripture stated the uncertainty involved in knowing if the believing spouse will save the unbelieving spouse or not. In other words, there is an opportunity when a believer is married to an unbeliever for the unbeliever to become a recipient of the believer’s walk through the process of sanctification.

Sanctification means a washing away of the old way and an adoption of the new way—the way of holiness. Conviction is exercised in the unbelieving spouse due to the actions of the believing spouse. That conviction drives the unbelieving spouse to the process of sanctification and repentance.

The scriptures simply appear to lay out a template for married believers to make their own decisions.

Mrs. Steele was simply exercising her choice like so many married women and men who have taken the route of choosing to stay with their spouse. It appears God simply honored Mrs. Steele’s choice giving her the grace and strength to love her partner through the hurt. The result of their process in marriage led to her husband’s sanctification.

A Choice to Stay Motivated by Dysfunction and Not Faith

Many married couples have taken this route including the Mary Mary girls, Tina and Erica. It is simply a choice. In light of these positive testimonies and outcomes for those who chose to stay, those who choose to protect their peace in leaving aren’t condemned either. There is grace for their journey too.

Mrs. Steele’s choice to stay was motivated by an unhealthy experience from her childhood not just by faith. She was in an unhealthy space and when we are in unhealthy spaces we put up with unhealthy things reaping the consequences.

Hence, why it’s so important to get into a healthy place prior to choosing a partner. However, the scriptures above and the testimony deal with people who weren’t saved or healthy at first. Later, one party got saved.

In that place, do we have to put up with abuse as women in expectation to be loved? The answer is no. Just because someone’s story had a positive ending from trauma and abuse to genuine love and care—that doesn’t mean that if we practice the same—we will have the same result.

Remember it is a choice. What we did not see was the full-on process. We did not see the dire strain their process required. Did Mrs. Steele no longer feel drawn to her husband because of the lack of safety of his actions? Did she ever battle bitterness? Was she still sexually active with him while he was stepping out? How did she protect herself if she was? These are all very serious issues that can arise from such a serious situation.

While their story was told to appear beautiful, it was a messy situation that required wisdom, a solid support system, and professional help to navigate through to result in a healthy outcome. We know the Lord is the wonderful counselor—but what did that look like? What lessons were learned that can be passed down to others?

While I honor and respect marriage and Mrs. Steele’s testimony—the idea that women need to build a man and stick out through thick and then of abuse is dangerous. It’s also prideful. Many women have gone through unnecessary hardship trying to take a man and build him into a man of integrity.

Showing a man you can put up with all of the abuse he spits out may or may not cause him to have a change of heart because, in the end, men need to get it for themselves to change.

God doesn’t encourage women to go around looking for men to build into healthy men. Scripture encourages single women to practice discernment. However, if you find yourself in that situation, the earlier scriptures provide a template.

Mrs. Steele commented in response to a question from Latteras that encouraged women to seek to build a man up or else that’s why they are single. While she did not intend her statement to be irresponsible, it was.

Statements like that show a lack of being in touch with what is going on in the world of singleness and dating. She attempted to clean up her statement by stating the usual stereotypes that are forced on Black women and single women.

Those stereotypes say that women want a man who is 6 feet tall and makes 6 figures. However, the question Laterras asked was not about that.

It showed a hint of pride for what the Lord empowered her to do as if she did it on her own. The truth is we cannot rely on our own strength, wisdom, or pride. We have to rely on Christ. God uses wisdom to protect his single daughters and sons.

There are many people who are single simply because they are being protected by God. Those people have realized their childhood traumas and decided to work through them with God’s help. They’ve chosen to avoid making relationship choices based on those traumas. Instead, they walk in health and wholeness and only entertain others who are doing the same.

That is God’s standard. That is God’s best. Choosing to obey God and walk with him protects us from some things. We don’t have to journey through the hell of relationships to get to a heavenly one. We want every marriage and relationship to work out so we rejoice at testimonies like the Steeles knowing it doesn’t have to be our own. Our stories can be different and that is okay.

To sharpen your discernment in singleness and dating visit my Payhip store for courses and books: Click here

Click below to watch the discussion after the discussion on Latteras’ Instagram:

 

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A common question that circles through singles’ groups is, if you wait until marriage, how do you know the sex will be good? The answer is simple: It depends on what you are building with your marriage partner.

Selfishness Guarantees Bad Sex

If your marriage is based on selfishness and simply pleasing you, the sex may be bad. However, if both parties come to the marriage ready to serve one another, the marriage bed will be great.

It may not start great as sex with someone new is a process. Each person brings their history, experience, or lack thereof to the marriage bed. This is where those involved have to have something more than just physical attraction tying them to the person they’ve picked.

Patience, Communication & Humility Will Help Guarantee a Strong Marriage & Sex Life

Things like patience, communication, humility, and a willingness to serve the other while denying oneself, will create a safe place of vulnerability and openness. This will bond the couple together and create a launching pad for further sexual exploration and growth.

This is what happened in Yvette and Glen Henry’s experience. Yvette was a virgin at the time of their marriage while Glen had recommitted himself to abstinence for some years. He was determined to protect his wife through her lack of experience.  Unwilling for her to be compared to previous partners or to feel unworthy; He beautifully took his concerns to God about her lack of experience and shyness around the topic of sex.

Through Glen’s love and care for Yvette, she had a place of safety to explore learning more about her own body and how to please her husband and be pleased at the same time as a wife. Yvette brought up the point that many women do not know that it’s okay for them to experience pleasure within a marriage.

Taking Responsibility for Our Experiences Bought to the Marriage Makes it Stronger Increasing the Sexual Intimacy as Well

Yvette took responsibility for her lack of experience and was provided a book to learn about her body and sex. After reading, she began to open up more to her husband and discuss it with him. Now, they experience a thriving sex life that has produced a beautiful family.

The stories of Glen, Yvette, Sarah, Abigail, and Daryl communicate the need for selflessness in marriage, patience, a willingness to deny ourselves to protect our partner and the marriage, and to take responsibility for healing, while learning and growing to protect our partner and our marriage.

As someone with limited experience myself, it means so much to see someone like Yvette thriving in a healthy relationship where she feels safe. Culture often teaches us that a lack of sexual experience or an extensive relationship history makes us ineligible for love. However, that’s a lie.

Limited Experience Does Not Guarantee Bad Sex

Inexperienced singles have just as much value and share the same body parts as the experienced. Therefore, sexual love isn’t guaranteed to be lacking in a marriage. Those with extensive sexual histories who have experienced molestation that led to promiscuity can also have a healthy thriving marriage as shown by Sarah’s testimony in the video.

Christ can restore each of us and heal us from all trauma no matter the background.
See the entire interview below:

  

In our love-starved society, people are more vulnerable to abusive relationships. However, it’s better not to have a relationship than an abusive one. Abusive relationships aren’t limited to romantic but can be a neighbor, friend, or family member. Below are some signs you are dealing with an abuser and how to break away.

Disregards Your Voice

Often, those who are abusive toward others are insecure about themselves. Instead of taking responsibility for working through their insecurities; they project them onto others. This is seen by them putting others down who they may feel are better than them. One of the ways abusers do this is through disregarding the voice of the one they are abusing. This may seem small at first, but a consistent allowance of disregard from an abuser will cause the abused to second-guess him/herself. This brings the abused into a place of insecurity if not stopped in time. It also creates a misery loves company type of relationship. Then, the abused person, who has become insecure through abuse, becomes prime game to be controlled by the abuser.

Tries to Control You and Who You Spend Time With

The insecure abuser, in a perverted sense, makes the one s/he is abusing an accomplishment of his/hers. If the abused can be controlled by the abuser—the abuser may see this as an accomplishment. Because a healthy support system is crucial to remaining free from abusive relationships—the abuser may discount relationships of the abused that bring balance and safety. The abuser may seek to isolate the abused from these healthy relationships and voices. Thus, placing his/her voice above any other voice in the life of the abused. The real flex for an abuser would be to take responsibility for his/her insecurities and work toward a path of true healing and accountability.

Seeks to Discredit You Making You Second Guess Yourself

Without the support of a healthy support system—there is no sounding board to remind the abused of his/her worth. A sense of healthy independence may begin to dissolve while the abused becomes more dependent on the approval of the abuser. Pay attention if someone encourages you to go against your boundaries and values and makes you second guess yourself. An abused person was a whole person before they met an abuser. However, the abuser seeks to make the whole person doubt his/herself. The abuser seeks to fragment how the abused person sees themselves making him/her vulnerable to seek out the approval of the abuser.

You’ll Need These Three Things to Break Free

To remain free from an abuser, you’ll need healthy boundaries, a commitment to loving yourself, and a strong support system. Healthy boundaries remind us of our worth. They keep bad behavior out of our intimate space and keep us reserved to give and receive in our healthy network of relationships whether family, friends, co-workers, or a romantic partner.

Boundaries are useful in preventing chaos as well. Chaos is a natural result of those who refuse to take accountability in their own lives. They often spill their chaos onto others, but our healthy boundaries do not allow this. We see God displaying boundaries in scripture in the book of Genesis. He separated the day from night and placed boundaries around the land and the seas.

This avoids chaos and allows each part of creation to operate as intended. This is what boundaries do for us. They allow us to operate as God intended. Never be ashamed to maintain healthy boundaries. People will be offended by our boundaries at times, but our boundaries aren’t for others as much as they are for us.

The Commitment to Love Ourselves

Remaining committed to loving ourselves is also a Biblical characteristic. It’s part of the first commandment, in scripture, which says to love God with all of our heart, soul, mind, and strength and the second is to love our neighbor(s) as ourselves.

Thus, healthy self-love starts with loving God and in doing so, we learn to love ourselves. This love spills out to others. Never allow anyone to interrupt this process in your life because they desire to abuse you. Keep loving God, you, and others.

A Strong Support System

Finally, you’ll need a strong support system. These are genuine people who get it. Those who get it are taking accountability within their own lives. They are doing the work daily to submit to Christ and grow through their insecurities and challenges.

They aren’t projecting the responsibility to work through their insecurities onto others. Therefore, they can genuinely love others as they love and care for themselves. These are the ones who will look out for you, and remind you of your value and what you do not have to put up with. Your support system will remind you of your identity in Christ. You are God’s son or daughter, carefully cared for and sought out by God.

He guides you with his eye and his loving grace. The energy you need to maintain your boundaries and to pray for those who desire to abuse you will well up within and you will be good.

The Role of the Holy Spirit in Avoiding an Abuser

Finally, let’s not forget the role of the Holy Spirit in this. As we meet people, the Holy Spirit will give us cues within our spirit. God often communicates to us in our spirit. That thought or feeling that something isn’t right. Or, the idea that says, “That seems like it could be abusive.” These thoughts and cues may be coming from the Holy Spirit for us to begin warning us to second-guess who we are allowing access to us.

The Bible says in the book of Proverbs: He that separates himself seeks his own way. This is one of the signs of an abusive person. They may be isolated from the accountability of others. They are aware of laws but do not respect them enough to submit to them. An abuser becomes a law to him/herself. Be aware. This is dangerous. It is also a characteristic of Satan, who did not want to submit himself to God but instead wanted to become like God.

Satan wanted the authority of God without the character of God. That can only lead to chaos. Look at how bad our world has become since Satan has been kicked down from heaven into earth. He’s been using his limited authority to deceive men and women into destroying themselves, just like an abuser. We don’t want this ya’ll.

A Girl Named Priscilla and a guy named Mark

Let’s say a girl named Priscilla met a guy named Mark. Priscilla wants to have at least one child. Mark has just gotten his last adult child out of the house and is done. Priscilla discovers this about Mark being done on date 2. She puts him in the friend zone because it’s a non-negotiable for her.

However, Mark encourages Priscilla to take him out of the friend zone by seeking to get physical in a way not characteristic of friends but more so lovers. Priscilla has a decision to make. Will she stick to the boundary of friendship she’d set? Or, will she allow herself to be wooed into friends with benefits?

We Have to Know Where We Stand With Our Boundaries to Enforce Them

This type of scenario points out the importance of knowing where we stand with our boundaries and simply sticking to them. Sticking to our boundaries helps us to produce the outcome we desire. In Priscilla’s case, she wants a committed relationship that leads to marriage with someone who also wants to have at least one child. She also wants to remain abstinent until marriage.

Also, sticking to our boundaries is important because it shows others how to treat us. Sure, some will not understand and may try to manipulate us or make us feel bad for having boundaries. Let that be their problem and not ours.

Our job is to take accountability for our actions and not the actions of others.

Our job is to take accountability for our actions and not the actions of others. It will be uncomfortable, but in the end, we keep our self-respect and remain in position for God’s will in our lives. Let’s take Joseph for example. He’d been faced with an opportunity contrary to what he desired. Potiphar’s wife thought he was sexy and tried to seduce him.

At that point, Joseph took accountability. Despite Potiphar’s wife’s actions, Joseph chooses to run for himself. He was not going to settle for a side relationship when God had a whole wife for him. Joseph knew he wasn’t no side-piece and he did not allow Potiphar’s wife to treat him as such.

Our Boundaries Protect our Identity

Sidenote: our boundaries protect our identity and how we see and value ourselves. This should be decided between us and God, not people in general. People, in general, either come up to God’s standard or our boundary keeps them at a distance until they rise to the standard.

Of course, Joseph’s boundary was uncomfortable. Although he did what was right, he went to prison anyway. All of this was a part of the journey God had him on to promote him as governor in Egypt. While we are on our path to dating, living life, and meeting others, we too, will be faced with opportunities that will test our boundaries.

Expect Others to Test Your Boundaries to See if We’re Real or Not

People will want to know if s/he is real about what s/he says s/he believes. People will test us in these dating streets. It’s up to us to take accountability and hold our standards. When dating, our boundaries and non-negotiables show us when to walk away. When others seek to push our clearly communicated boundaries, it shows us to avoid them romantically.

What if Priscilla had allowed herself to go there with Mark? Not only would she be caught up in a soul tie with someone who doesn’t want what she wants. She would also have been enabling Mark’s behavior which shows his lack of discipline. Whereas, God may have had Mark in a process to assist him in working through his lust—the lust would be that much harder to overcome because Priscilla and Mark would have added more wood to the fire. This scenario would leave both Mark and Pricilla stuck.

Whatever progress they’d made before in crucifying their flesh—they’d have to start all over again to put their flesh under subjection. Therefore, Priscilla should not only stick to her boundary of friendship but her boundary of holding off on sexual activity until she is married. This, in turn, shows Mark that if he desires to be in Priscilla’s life—he’s got to honor her boundaries.

Having boundaries is important for both men and women as shown in the story of Joseph.

Jezebel has nothing to do with lipstick and weave, but everything to do with the evil characteristics that embody the person of Jezebel. In the Bible, Jezebel was the daughter of Ethbaal, whose name means with Baal. Baal was a false god or demon.

Jezebel’s name means Baal exalts or Baal is husband to. She did not separate herself from the demonic agenda of her master in her dealings which makes her highly dangerous to link up with. God pronounced a judgment of death on her. That’s how seriously she needed to be stopped. Because she refused to yield to the standard of the Lord and made herself an adversary to God’s people—God set aside men of valor to take her out of this world.

Her consistent characteristics included manipulation, selfishness, lying, murder, and opposing God and his people.

We see a story in 1 Kings 21 where her husband Ahab wanted a field. He asked a gentleman named Naboth to give it to him, allow him to buy it, or replace it with another field. When Naboth refused, Ahab became sad and shared what happened with his wife.

Then, she thought out an evil plot to destroy Naboth. She sent two false witnesses to lie on Naboth causing him to be stoned. After he died, she commissioned Ahab to take possession of Naboth’s field. Just after this, God sent the prophet Elijah to Ahab to pronounce judgment saying that the dogs would lick up Ahab and Jezebel’s blood in the field.

The Judgement was not only pronounced on Jezebel but her Enabler, Ahab

Animals devouring a dead body is a form of disrespect. In essence, God was saying because Ahab and Jezebel were so disrespectful—he would allow them a disrespectful death where they would not even experience the honor of burial.

Ahab, though he did not complete the murder, was party to the disrespect of Jezebel because he enabled her actions by not correcting her and continuing to be in league with her. When we see someone operating out of the spirit of Jezebel which includes manipulation, lying, murder, and high disrespect, we ought to cut ourselves off from that person immediately.

God’s word warns us not to make a covenant or league with people so quickly because, in doing so, we can become a party to their sin and thus their judgment like Ahab.

Do not be hasty in the laying on of hands, and do not share in the sins of others. Keep yourself pure. – 1 Timothy 5:22

People would create a covenant by shaking hands. Once, we are in a contract or covenant with someone we are bound to the contract and all that comes with it. God wants us to be careful of this. This is especially important for a young man seeking a wife or a young woman a husband. Both a man and a woman can embody the spirit of Jezebel. The spirit of Jezebel is highly narcissistic. It’s all about self. It’s the opposite of love which isn’t self-seeking but is often self-sacrificial. Think about Jesus and his love for us.

Look for the opposite of a woman who embodies the characteristics of Jezebel.

A genuine catch will want to protect their love interest and not use them. Not only their love interest, but someone who embodies the spirit of love will want to treat their neighbor as themselves. You’ll notice them treating everyone with kindness and love not just those they feel they can benefit from.

Remember God is love. We want someone who embraces God, not someone who opposes God. Many embrace God with their tongue yet reject him with their actions. This was also a mark of Jezebel. She used religion to destroy an innocent man, Naboth. She had him falsely accused of blasphemy which is a sin against God. Yet, she was the one sinning against God. The spirit of Jezebel strongly opposes those who are of God. Her goal is to uproot those planted by God. Naboth’s name means sown of God.

Jezebel’s use of her looks to deceive and manipulate

Jezebel is of her father, Satan as discussed at the beginning of the article. Her name represents a demonic spirit named Baal. We know Satan is the father of lies and the accuser of the brethren.  In the above story, Jezebel did both.

Have you ever seen a woman use her beauty to manipulate a man? That’s a mark of Jezebel. Have you seen women lie on a man falsely accusing him of sexual assault to get a financial settlement? That is a mark of Jezebel.  She doesn’t consider how her lies will affect him. She causes a death to her accuser’s reputation for her selfish gain just like Jezebel.

The best way for a young man to avoid the web of Jezebel is to learn to fear the Lord himself. Young men should learn to embody the characteristics that are opposite that of Jezebel. In doing so, they will repel a woman who operates according to the perverted culture of Jezebel. Young men must stand firm on their boundaries of shutting out any woman who models such low character.

The only way to deal with a woman like Jezebel is not to deal with her. An immediate stop must be put to Jezebel. This is why a death sentence was declared by God.

Cutting Jezebel off is a type of death toward Jezebel in our lives.

As believers, we do not have the authority to kill people. Yet, we do have the authority to set boundaries to cut off all contact with those who operate according to the spirit of Jezebel. Like Ahab, we only enable Jezebel by maintaining a relationship with her as if everything is normal. Jezebel isn’t normal but out to kill, steal, and destroy like her father Satan a.k.a. Baal.

We can pray for the person in our personal prayer time but keep our distance by keeping our boundaries. This will help us to maintain our peace and avoid all of the mess that comes with messy Jezebel.

What dating down looks like is a topic from my third book, “Patterns of the Heart: Discernment in Choosing a Potential Spouse.” Dating down is when you know someone isn’t an appropriate fit for you—yet you continue to date them anyway.

This signals an issue yet to be resolved within you. Self-awareness, which leads to personal responsibility, is key in this scenario.

“A person who is full refuses honey, but even bitter food tastes sweet to the hungry.” – Proverbs 27:7 (NLT)

The full person sees that he has a choice in whether or not to accept what comes along; the hungry person will accept anything, whether it’s savory or not. Even though he knows his choice may not be good for him, he sees it as a way to satisfy his hunger in the moment.

Take Personal Responsibility in Accessing Your Needs to Avoid Dating Down

What needs have we allowed to go unmet in healthy ways where we use dating down—an unhealthy coping mechanism to fill? Could there be lies within our minds that we are seeking to overcome? I loved Nona Jones’ book, “The Gift of Rejection.” It shared how there can be a talk track playing over and over in our head that we are trying to disprove or unconsciously live up to.

For Nona, it was her mother’s harsh words and actions of rejection. Her mom blamed her for getting sexually assaulted by her live-in boyfriend. She’d put Nona down making her feel unworthy. Due to this talk track playing in Nona’s mind—she’d found herself in a toxic relationship in college. The young man she dated disrespected her, would not allow her to speak much, and showed little to no concern for her well-being, and still Nona sought to please him to prove her worthiness unconsciously.

Dating Down as a Coping Mechanism

What is something that you may need to resolve within yourself—that you may be either consciously or unconsciously using a toxic relationship to prove? Have you believed the lie that you are unworthy of love due to consistent rejection and disappointment? Are you now ready to accept the scraps of what comes your way instead of standing on the business of who you truly are at the core and attracting someone based on that?

Don’t feel bad. We’ve all been there, dating down and ready to place ourselves on clearance for the one willing to buy. However, we cannot stay there. I remember being in a place of fear that I would lose all my guy friends.

The last guy friend I had began to put me down for my skin color before he left from being my friend. I tried to salvage the friendship and only correct him, but God would not allow him to continue to remain in my life. This former friend ended up blocking me because I disagreed with what he shared my outcome in life would be due to my skin color.

Allow God to Resolve Those Needs for You to Avoid Dating Down

When I look back at it—I can see that God was protecting me by allowing him to block me. God wanted me to depend on him—even without any close guy friends. God wanted me to know I should not be moved by fear but faith in him.

After this, God brought one of my guy cousins around more. He also brought my brothers and I closer together as a family. We’d been processing grief due to the loss in our family in unique ways that sometimes isolated us.

In this experience, I was able to see God providing for my inner need for safety, security, and belonging. Dr. Henry Cloud had confirmed in one of his books I was listening to at the time that when we are struggling with loneliness—it isn’t the time for dating. It’s a time when we need to reinforce the healthy relationships we already have with friends and family.

To be honest, I had dated down while going through this experience—but as God began to move in my life—I saw I no longer had to date down. I was worthy of more despite what I’d experienced. The lie in my mind that told me I’d always be fighting to be loved was just that—a lie.

Standing on Who You Are Helps to Avoid Dating Down

I learned to embrace myself once again. This includes my call by God to remain single into my 40s and however long God decides. I’m submitting to whatever plan he has for me. In this, I’ve found the protection and security that I desire. Embracing myself also enables me to hold up healthy boundaries of self-respect.

These are the things that allow us to be ourselves attracting healthy people into our lives. Being ourselves results in the prevention of us dating down. Instead, we date only those who compliment who we truly are. When was the last time you examined yourself to see if you were authentically being yourself or hiding who you truly are out of fear of never being loved?

Please, don’t do that to yourself. As God’s son or daughter, you deserve more. Read, “Patterns of the Heart: Discernment in Choosing a Potential Spouse,” to learn more and further prepare for whatever God will have for you. It will not be found in dating down.

I think I’ve established the importance of contentment and living a full life when considering a life partner enough in previous articles. This removes any desperation that would cause us to make a life-altering decision out of desperation rather than discernment.

Discernment allows us to make good choices that will be more beneficial to us in not only the short term but the long term. Both men and women need to practice discernment. Below are 5 green flags to look for when considering a spouse. These green flags are inspired by my 3rd book, “Patterns of the Heart: Discernment in Choosing a Potential Spouse.”

Someone Who is Committed to Growth and Perseverance

We all know that marriage is work. Also, we know that life happens. This means that there will be difficulties that occur outside of the control of the married couple. All of these things and more create pressure on an already strenuous process of marriage—where two people are becoming one.

This is growth accelerated. Growth is often uncomfortable and the older we get growth isn’t always celebrated. Will your chosen spouse have enough perseverance not to give up on the marriage, God, or any other goals that require them to persevere? We cannot foretell our futures, but we can at least seek for the quality of perseverance in our potential spouse.

Asking the potential partner about their experiences with disappointment can be a way to get a peek into perseverance. We can also ask people who are close to them, like siblings or parents, to share examples of perseverance or when they’ve seen examples of growth in our love interest.

Finally, it’s more important to observe the character of a person than to only ask them. In your experience of simply being a friend to a love interest—what are some examples of perseverance you’ve seen yourself in his/her life? If you see examples without having to ask that’s even better.

On the other hand, someone who isn’t committed to growth and is only seeking to be comfortable may not be a good pick for a spouse. These are the people who may leave when things get difficult. I’ve heard stories of spouses leaving when their partner has become sick and other stories of partners staying and taking extra care of the ill spouse.

You get to choose now what’s important in considering that potential spouse and perseverance with a commitment to growth is near the top of the list.

Someone Who Takes Accountability

OMG! I cannot explain enough how important this one is. We all know the scripture: Blessed are the merciful for they shall obtain mercy. Also, those who forgive will be forgiven. However, someone who refuses to take accountability focuses on the errors of others without taking responsibility for their own.

In doing so, they create a culture of hardness and bitterness. The non-accountability-taking partner sits on their high-horse of perfection either consciously or unconsciously belittling the other partner. To not take accountability but to require it is belittling. If someone does this because they aren’t healed—it’s imperative that they seek healing so they can be in a healthy relationship. No one wants to be belittled within a relationship. It’s selfish.

To have a relationship with someone like this is nearly impossible. This relationship can become like walking on eggshells for the partner committed to accountability while the other isn’t. There is an imbalance there that prevents the relationship from being reciprocal.

Healthy relationships are reciprocal. Marriage is an opportunity for husbands and wives to take turns showing Christ’s grace and forgiveness toward one another. After all, marriage is a great mystery metaphorically representing Christ and the church per Ephesians 5.

In this relationship, the man gets his inner-most need met, respect and the woman gets her inner-most need met, love. That is an example of reciprocity.

Accountability should be reciprocal. Both the husband and the wife need to humble themselves and take accountability for their actions. This sews the relationship together. Safely, from any potential breaches made from former hurts, contention, strife, or misunderstandings. When you see this consistently in operation in your potential partner, you are on your way.

Someone Who Respects Your Boundaries and has Healthy Boundaries of Their Own

Two healthy people can more easily complement one another instead of bleeding on one another due to being unhealthy. Having healthy boundaries is a pattern of being a healthy individual. Dr. Henry Cloud explains boundaries as defining where you begin and where you end. In other words, you show how far you are willing to go or to allow others to go with you.

This may include your time, commitments, spending, the decision not to spend, or anything that belongs to you. Boundaries are ways for us to show respect to ourselves. Not only do we protect ourselves physically with boundaries but emotionally and spiritually as well.

In essence, it shows others how to respect us as well. Finally, it’s a form of protection, value, and care. When you master this for yourself and others take cues from your boundaries and begin respecting you too—they may be a keeper.

People who attempt to manipulate you out of your boundaries making you feel guilty for having them are not a good catch. That should show you they have selfish motives. Remember that love seeks not its own according to 1 Corinthians 13. Instead, it is willing to protect.

As a matter of fact—the scripture says love always protects. Look for this in a partner that you’d like to consider. Remember these tips go for both men and women. If a woman is attempting to make a gentleman spend all of his money on her instead of using wisdom by investing, saving, and building a legacy—she may not be the one, brothers. Also, a woman who doesn’t protect her suitor emotionally but embarrasses him with no regard for his feelings may not be a catch.

Someone Who Values Family and Other Values You May Have Shows Green Flags

We need to be with someone with similar interests to us. Even more important, are similar values. If we value family—we don’t want to be with someone who does not. The priorities are too different. This will cause immediate friction. Evaluate your values realistically before dating. If you’re already friends with the one you’re interested in—you should have a good idea what their values are. Hint: Friendships first make for solid foundations for romantic relationships.

Perhaps, that’s why you decided to be such close friends with them because your values complement one another. Your values normally determine your non-negotiables. Non-negotiables are necessary to create a template or vision of what you want and do not want prior to dating.

This way, before the emotions kick in, you’re clear on what would cause you to walk away from someone. Popular values among Christians are abstinence until marriage. For example, both parties dating should be committed to abstinence individually. Someone should not try to ride your abstinence coat-tail to become abstinent themselves.

Obedience to God is a personal walk. Other examples of values could be how you value money, spending, discipline, how you’d like to raise kids, if you want to have kids. If these things align, you may have some green flags.

Someone Who Fears and Loves God

This is first and foremost. Hashtag Matthew 6:33 in this. You know what it says, “Seek first the kingdom of God and his righteousness and all these other things will be added unto you.” This was specifically in reference to some things that God’s children were concerned about. For example, what they will eat, drink, and wear as clothing. Scripture tells us not to worry about these things. They will simply be provided as we seek God first and his kingdom values and kingdom plan first.

This is why we have to be careful with various strategies provided to find someone for us. If it isn’t in alignment with God’s kingdom assignment for us individually, it’s pointless.

Therefore, we should seek the Lord first and allow him to give us peace for where he’s assigned us. Some of us God has assigned to be single longer for his kingdom purpose and we have to be okay with that. The flip side of that is if God’s kingdom agenda for us does eventually include a spouse—the spouse will be provided. Somehow and someway, God will lead us to him or her.

Just as we acknowledge God and fear God in all of our ways, we should seek for our spouse to do the same. Hashtag green flags.

Many of these green flags and questions asked are from my book, “Patterns of the Heart: Discernment in Choosing a Potential Spouse.”

Recently, I’ve been studying one of Christ’s prominent titles, Lion and Lamb. It’s interesting to think about what a lion represents as well as a lamb. Further, the characteristics of a lion and lamb can be found in Christ’s actions and personality in scripture as well as within the personalities of believers who follow Christ. They are also important characteristics in relation to leaders.

God’s word discusses believers by saying that we are being transformed or changed into the image of Christ. This means that we will mirror him in various ways as we grow into maturity in Christ and surrender to him.

So all of us who have had that veil removed can see and reflect the glory of the Lord. And the Lord—who is the Spirit—makes us more and more like him as we are changed into his glorious image. – 2 Corinthians 3:18

Jesus as the Lion and the Lamb

Then one of the elders said to me, “Do not weep! See, the Lion of the tribe of Judah, the Root of David, has triumphed. He is able to open the scroll and its seven seals.” – Revelations 5:5

Jesus is shown as the Lion of the Tribe of Judah in the above scripture. Further, it is said that because he has triumphed, he has the authority to open the seven seals. A lion represents authority. They are territorial and mark their rite to the space they hold authority over in the wild.

Similarly, Jesus possesses the authority to open the seals because of his enduring to the point of triumph. Likewise, we as believers, triumph through Jesus Christ, who has overcome the world. Therefore, we overcome when we look to him in surrender. Also, we should mirror authority within our lives. Authority is a form of confidence that allows us to do what needs to be done. Something vital to leaders.

Those who operate in their authority understand who made them, how they’ve been made, and who they are submitted to. Being submitted to the Lord gives us authority.

Authority: If you have the authority to do something, you have the right or power to do it. For example, parents give the babysitter authority to put the children to bed at 7 p.m. (Vocabulary.com.)

Lions Represent Boldness

The wicked run away when no one is chasing them, but the godly are as bold as lions. – Proverbs 28:1

We stand our ground as godly followers of Christ. We do not run away from things that are hard. Instead, we face them head-on. This is a characteristic of leadership. Often, the leaders are the first to get hit or to foresee danger. Leaders have a responsibility to protect those that have been entrusted to them.

This characteristic of boldness is often modeled in scripture through the stories of the good shepherd, another title of Christ. The good shepherd cares for the sheep. He doesn’t run away and abandon the sheep. Instead, he stands his ground like a lion knowing he has been equipped with the authority to protect the sheep.

“I am the good shepherd. The good shepherd lays down his life for the sheep. The hired hand is not the shepherd and does not own the sheep. So, when he sees the wolf coming, he abandons the sheep and runs away. – John 10:11-12

Men are naturally called to leadership as they are the head of the home in marriage. However, they must grow in maturity to become a leader like Christ. Women of wisdom co-lead in boldness like Queen Esther. She was willing to lay down her life for the people she led as queen. She led them into a consecration to seek the Lord for deliverance saying if she perishes, she perishes.

Likewise, King David was willing to lay down his life for his sheep killing a lion and a bear. This takes us to our next characteristic of the Lion and the Lamb.

Leaders realize, it takes boldness to become a Lamb in Laying Down One’s Life for the Sheep

“I am the good shepherd; I know my sheep and my sheep know me—just as the Father knows me and I know the Father—and I lay down my life for the sheep. – John 10:14-15

Jesus is mentioned in scripture so many times as the lamb of God. He was called the Passover lamb and the lamb of God that takes away the sins of the world. This was acted out by God with boldness and love. We all know the scripture: For God so loved the world that he gave his only begotten son so that we would not perish but have everlasting life (John 3:16.)

We are the sheep. Our good shepherd, Jesus, became our lamb—our sacrifice. Our sins are covered because of him.

Likewise, as believers who are growing in maturity in Christ, we will often be required to take some hits. We’ll be required to take some losses to cover others. This looks like humility. It looks like not appearing to always have it together. Sometimes, it will look like not responding when others seek to discount our words or creditability.

This was a hard lesson for me to learn because I care about others. I’d sometimes respond thinking others wanted clarity from me. However, responding to detractors can unnecessarily drain the mature person.

Often, it’s better to pray for the person allowing the Holy Spirit to change their heart over time. Unless the Holy-Spirit specifically requires you to share something additional. This knowledge especially comes in handy on social media.

He was oppressed and afflicted, yet he did not open his mouth; he was led like a lamb to the slaughter, and as a sheep, before its shearers is silent, so he did not open his mouth. – Isaiah 53:7

The next day John saw Jesus coming toward him and said, “Look, the Lamb of God, who takes away the sin of the world! – John 1:29

Purge out therefore the old leaven, that ye may be a new lump, as ye are unleavened. For even Christ, our Passover is sacrificed for us. – 1 Corinthians 5:7

It also takes boldness to set boundaries with others

Lion prides have specific territories that they cover. These territories are strictly defended from predators or intruders. The Lion may use its roar, strength, speed, or mane to intimidate others in defending it’s territory. This is how the lion was built by God to maintain its status in the wildlife ecosystem as King of the Beasts. Similarly, believers must know who they are. We have to have some understanding of how we’re built and God’s purpose for us. So, we can, like the lion, guard against those who would intrude upon our purpose and personal peace in life.

In a sense, we appear like easy targets because of our willingness to let things go and lay down our lives in serving others. That is not to be confused with us being set aside for abuse. Sometimes, we need to exercise our lion-like personality and set some clearly defined boundaries.

Behold, I am sending you out as sheep in the midst of wolves, so be wise as serpents and innocent as doves. – Matthew 10:16

Allow God to give you peace through practicing the wisdom of setting appropriate boundaries. If you aren’t sure when to set boundaries, pray and ask God for help. Also, be self-aware about the circumstances that disturb your peace.

The Road to Leadership

It is very uncomfortable learning to exercise our lion and lamb side to our personalities as our chief, Jesus Christ. There are some things we have to go through. Hence, the need to triumph. Lions reside in the wild in what is called prides. These are groups of mainly one male lion, a few girl lions, called lionesses, and cubs. The baby lions are cubs.

At about 3 years of age, male lion cubs are kicked out of the pride to learn to grow on their own and create their own prides. This is a process of maturity that we are allowed to witness from nature. God often uses nature to communicate lessons to us. This lesson displays not harshness from the pride leaders but love and care to allow their cubs to develop into what is necessary for them to survive the wild.

God sends us out as believers into this world. In some ways, we are vulnerable. Yet, we are to be bold. Why? Because our leader, the Lord is causing us to mature into his image. In our maturity, we learn when to lean into the boldness of the lion within our personality or the boldness of the lamb.

Lastly, the Lamb depends on its Good Shepherd for Survival

We learn to depend on Christ as believers. He is our good shepherd. Through the hardness of learning to grow in Christ—we remain content. We are content because we have what we need. We lack nothing. Even when it seems we lack—we do not. Because our good shepherd is making sure that we have all we need.

I am not saying this because I am in need, for I have learned to be content whatever the circumstances. I know what it is to be in need, and I know what it is to have plenty. I have learned the secret of being content in any and every situation, whether well-fed or hungry, whether living in plenty or want.  I can do all this through him who gives me strength. – Philippians 4:11-13