Four Lessons that Maryjane Needs to Learn

This past Tuesday, being Maryjane premiered on BET. Most women can identify with her character in some way. Maryjane is the typical Black woman going through life with the basic needs that all humans share. The need to be loved, desired, have companionship, sexual fulfillment, and all. There is nothing wrong with all of those desires, but the way that she is going about it is the wrong way.  She is a woman who gives a lot and covers others like so many of us women do.  We are natural nurturers.   Sometimes, after that nurturing we hope for someone to love, cover, and nurture us. Maryjane gives of herself to her niece,  a brother who depends on her financially, another brother of hers, and her parents making sure they are OK.  She is a single independent, and successful woman who at this point in her life has to work like so many of us single women. Below are four lessons Maryjane should learn in her journey of life and single-hood:

1.) The men that do not respect you come across your path to teach you what you don’t want, as well as help you to appreciate what you really do want which is a man who truly respects you enough to be exclusively yours, a man who will consider your needs as much as his own if not more, a man who will give her real love. This is what Maryjane really wants because if she did not want more she would not have been so upset when her arrangement with do not answer #2, David, did not turn out the way she desired. So, many women settle for the wrong guys because those wrong guys are the only guys that cross their path. However, just because many wrong guys cross our paths doesn’t mean that’s all that we are worth having. Never agree to have a relationship with someone simply because that is what’s available for that moment when you know that isn’t what you really want. Never agree to have a relationship with a person when you sticking with them, is based on whether they will change or not. The individual has to be ready to change for themselves. Maryjane agreed to have a booty-call agreement with David, or do not answer # 2, but as the relationship went on she became upset with him and tried to alter their agreement which blew up in her face. She had a man periodically, but she did not get what she really wanted and it left her frustrated.

2.) Boundaries are set up to protect us. Boundaries are limits or standards that we set for ourselves to keep us safe or to protect us from harm.
God’s word is a boundary in our life teaching us how to navigate  this fallen world where everyone doesn’t have the do-right in them to treat us the way that we deserve. Maryjane seems to identify with religion in some way like most people. In the first episode, she played Detrick Haddon and Darwin Hobbs  “He’s Able” in the car while she was riding her niece somewhere. When her niece wanted her to turn the song off she mentioned that she thought that it would be inspirational.

God’s word is more than inspirational. His commandments give life, and protect our lives. The bible says to abstain from sex outside of the boundary of marriage. Something that Maryjane is not practicing at all. She identifies with God to the degree of religion, but not to the degree of obedience. Now, she finds herself soul-tied to a married man, and another man who doesn’t really want her, but is only using her for his convenience. She takes a back-seat to who she really is, a woman worthy of real-love, to the side-piece, and booty-call chick for the moment. Her heart is wide-open for all of the emotional hurt that we watched her experience over and over again. When will she learn?

For this is the love of God, that we keep his commandments: and his commandments are not grievous. 1 John 5:3
Correction is grievous unto him that forsaketh the way: and he that hateth reproof shall die. Proverbs 15:10

God shares in his word that his commandments are not grievous; however the person who views God’s commandments as grievous and chooses to turn away from them will experience some form of loss.
Grievous as defined by dictionary.com means:
1.) causing grief or great sorrow
2.) flagrant; outrageous; atrocious
3.) full of or expressing grief; sorrowful
4.) burdensome or oppressive.
5.) causing great pain or suffering

3.) You have a choice. Take responsibility for how you want your life to turn out.  Just because something is being sold doesn’t mean we have to buy it. If Maryjane had realized the guys she’s allowed in her life weren’t right for her; and stuck to a sound decision of choosing someone who is better suited for what she wants and needs, she could have avoided a lot of her own heartache, but because she doesn’t believe there is anything better out there, she’s made the decision to settle for the scraps. It’s OK to learn and go through heartache in relationships seeing different people’s character and so forth, but when the same thing happens over and over again just with different guys, then you have to take a look in the mirror and ask yourself why am I allowing this perhaps I need to make some different choices.

4.) Learn your worth. Love yourself first. When you learn to love yourself certain things you just will not put up with. Take your own self out instead of getting so excited that a guy wants to take you out that  you have to masturbate as Maryjane’s character did. Hang out more around those who love and appreciate you; it will only remind you of your own worth. Instead of her pushing her mother away; She should take her mom out to lunch. Utilize the relationships that God has given you now in this moment that build you up instead of tear you down.

A couple days ago I awakened to a message saying that I had received a nomination for an award to my blog. I thought for-real, I hadn’t even been blogging very long, but I guess my work hasn’t gone without notice. It was May of 2013 that I uploaded my first blog, but I’ve been writing, and observing things to write about since I was 5 years old. Today, with great joy , I accept the Sunshine blogger Award.

The Sunshine Blogger Award is an award given among fellow bloggers to recognize one another for spreading rays of sunshine and motivation. My nomination came by way of Brandi Williams, a wonderful young lady I met one day I was out and about promoting my radio program. You can visit her blog at the following link: http://lipsforjesus.blogspot.com

Rules to accept the Award include:

1.) Reference and link to the person who nominated you!

2.) List the 11 things you just learned about me.

3.) Share 11 things I don’t know about you, or use the same questions that I answered.

My answers to the questions:

1.   What is the first thing you do as soon as you wake up in the morning? I turn        my alarm off if it’s a work day. Then I acknowledge God, and grab my                     phone.

2.  What is your greatest fear?  Honestly, I don’t spend time focusing on my              fears because that seems counter-productive. Fears that I have had in the          past; I’ve overcome such as: Fear of the dark, fear of doing things on my               own, fear of speaking in front of people, fear of trying certain things.

3.  Do you have a new year’s resolution for 2014?  I have a New Year’s focus of       seeking to please God before I seek to please myself. I am a very giving           person, and because of that I’ve been imbalanced in the past where God            has dealt with me about doing more things for myself; however, I don’t want        to go overboard as we can sometimes do when we’ve been extreme in one        area.

4.     What is your favorite song at the moment?  Anthony Hamilton “Best of Me”

5.     What is your favorite childhood memory? Hmmm, I’m gonna say having              dance contests with my brothers while we watched Soul-Train on                          Saturday mornings. Also, whipping them on Street-fighter and Mortal                  Kombat lol.

6.       Facebook or Twitter? Facebook

7.      What did the last text message you received say? Sure, you got a chess               board. (Meeting someone to play chess.)

8.       What bugs you the most? It really bugs me when I see potential in                       someone to be amazing, but that person is content with being foolish. It              also, bugs me when people don’t listen, and I have to tell them the same            thing over and over again.

9.       What do you consider to be the most important appliance in your house?           The Stove. A girl’s got to cook.

10.    If you could have one song that would play whenever you entered a room,           what would it be? “That Girl” by R-Swift – Here’s a link to the                                  songhttp://www.youtube.com/watch?v=gHFaK-ZjAGI . I’m that chick!                     LOL.

11.   What’s your favorite movie quote?  At the current moment my favorite                 movie quote is from the movie Baggage Claim that says, “The magic is             not in getting married, but in staying married.”

Thanks for Reading!

Below are the answers to the questions from Ms. Brandi who nominated me as well as those that I am nominating:

1.       What is the first thing you do as soon as you wake up in the morning? Hit            snooze!  When I wake up for real I check my phone because as I’ve                    mentioned, I sleep with my phone on silent.

2.       What is your greatest fear?  Not being who I was created to be.

3.       Do you have a new year’s resolution for 2014?  I don’t have a “resolution”           per say but my goal is to speak and teach with more frequency.

4.       What is your favorite song at the moment?  “Only One” by PJ Morton

5.       What is your favorite childhood memory? Time with my grandaddy.

6.       Facebook or Twitter? Facebook.

7.       What did the last text message you received say? “But they didn’t have               eggs, bananas, strawberries, or milk.”  That would be describing the                    state of most stores here in the Chicago area due to incliment weather.            Lol.

8.       What bugs you the most? People who talk too much and don’t catch                    social cues.

9.       What do you consider to be the most important appliance in your house?            The coffee maker!

10.    If you could have one song that would play whenever you entered a room,          what would it be?  Proooobably Usher’s Bad Girl! LOL!                                           #whatyallknowaboutasupermodel

11.    What’s your favorite movie quote? Real simple:  “What-eva-you-like.”                  (Coming to America)

I would like to nominate the below bloggers:

http://www.kimontheweb.com/category/blog Kim Brooks

http://myrelationshiplessons.blogspot.com/ Delvin Randle of Relationship Lessons

I heard a story on a radio program that I sometimes listen to on my lunch-break. The story was from a gentlemen who called in and shared how he met his wife. He was in the army and saw a woman standing on the corner that he could not get to in time. She had already left. He asked his friend who was standing near if he knew her. To which the friend responded yes and provided the gentleman with the woman’s address. The gentleman wrote her a telegram stating, “I saw you on the corner and you we’re the most beautiful woman I had ever seen. I am in the army, badge number such and such, and I was wondering if you would write me sometime.” Now, forty years later that woman is the mother of his three children and his wife of 35 years.

Of course, when I heard that story, I thought about how beautiful it was to hear how a man was so enamored with a woman that he was willing to do whatever it took to get her attention to possibly be his wife.

It seems nowadays that things are the other way around. If you do not have a solid foundation or support system around you, as a woman, it’s easy to forget that we are still the prize just as much today as we were yesterday.

Prize: A reward for victory or superiority, as in a contest or competition.  Something that is won in a lottery or the like. Anything striven for, worth striving for, or much valued

– Dictionary.com

The Bible says, “Who can find a virtuous woman, for her price is far above rubies. (Proverbs 31:10) The definition of price according to dictionary.com is, “That which must be given, done or, undergone to obtain a thing.” This woman in Proverbs 31 is the type of woman that I am referring to in this blog. The world tries to make it seem like if you live for God, and if you live as a virtuous woman it is in vain, and you will only end up alone, but that is not the truth. The reality is you are a woman of high worth, and high price, and not just anyone can have you, it takes a certain type of man to handle you, and that man will be crafted in the hands of God himself.

The man who recognizes and realizes the woman as a prize or as worth striving for, meaning to do whatever is required to win her, is the man that we want. Sometimes us girls are so love-starved that we forget that we have a choice and accept the first man that looks somewhat reasonable, but really isn’t willing to step up to the plate and earn our love. It may sound mean, but some of these guys just don’t deserve us. It doesn’t make sense to take something very valuable and give it to someone who will not value it. That situation can only demote a woman’s worth and bring her down.

“Give not that which is holy unto the dogs, neither cast ye your pearls before swine, lest they trample them under their feet, and turn again and rend you.”

– Matthew 7:6

If a man doesn’t honor you enough now to do what’s required to get you, if you do catch his attention and snag him into a relationship with you, he may not be willing to do what it takes to keep you. He may even despise you and go after the woman he really wants.

Rachel was the one that Jacob really wanted. The Bible says that Jacob loved Rachel. He did what was required by Rachel’s father Laban working 14 years for her hand in marriage. Leah was the one that Jacob despised and hated because Leah was not the woman of choice, but she was forced on him by Laban (Genesis 29:30-32). Leah, even though married to Jacob, had to deal with rejection from him, and she also found herself fighting for his approval.

The competition between Rachel and Leah fighting for Jacob’s love and approval had gotten so bad that both Rachel and Leah offered their maid-servants to have sex with their husband in order to gain approval from him. (Genesis 30:4-13) When a woman is placed in a situation where her worth is compromised, it causes her to compromise herself and, it causes her to do things that she normally would not do. Women in this type of situation end up getting the short end of the stick. Jacob got to have sex with four different women all because of the insecurities the women faced.

Ladies, this is not the type of scenario that we want to find ourselves in stuck with a man who doesn’t really want us, fighting for his approval trying to convince him that we are worth having.

It’s interesting that the Bible doesn’t share how Leah felt about the whole idea of being given away to Jacob in the first place. It only shares that it went against tradition to give the younger daughter away before the eldest daughter, and that is why she was given to this man who clearly did not want her. Leah faced the issues of what others thought of her, her family, and society at the time. It was probably a general consensus that it would be hard for her to find a man who really wanted her for her because of her eye problem. The Bible says she was tender-eyed (Genesis 29:17.)

However, that doesn’t mean that her worth was any less than Rachel’s. Her eyes we’re just one part of her. She could have had the body of Tyra Banks, and the beauty of Beyonce, with tender-eyes. She could have had a beautiful spirit, and several skills that would bring value to any household. Like Leah, women today face similar challenges. We have pressure from society, family, and friends asking the question why are you still single as if there is something wrong with us for being single.

Leah did not have much choice because of the times that she lived in, but as women today we do have a choice. Despite the pressures we face, what really matters is how we view ourselves. Do we see ourselves as being a prize, who is worthy of real-love, and being swept off of our feet with a surprise letter like the girl in the beginning of this blog.

If we view ourselves the right way realizing that we are who God says we are: A royal priesthood, prized far above rubies, a crown to our husbands, meaning we will bring honor and a good name to the man who wins us, realizing our merchandise is good and we will not allow our candles to go out by night, meaning what we have as virtuous women, we understand that men just can’t find that anywhere, and when the times get hard and it doesn’t look like things will go our way, we will still remain virtuous because being virtuous is not just what we do, but who we are. (1 Peter 2:9, Proverbs 31:10, Proverbs 12:4, 31:18).

If we believe all of what I just mentioned that the Bible says about us virtuous women, then we will be willing to wait for the man who treats us as such. In order for a man to treat us as such, he has to be able to compliment us in the same way or more. So, raise the standard ladies because you are still the prize.

If you liked this article, also read Women are the prize & Men are the Heroes.

I was reading in the book of Jonah the other day in the last chapter of Jonah about how angry Jonah was. God is so sweet he doesn’t leave us when we get all emotion and want to go our own way. You all know the story how Jonah was upset because God wanted to send him to preach to a group of people that Jonah wanted destroyed.

Jonah, ran away, but through circumstance, God brought him right back to the place he told him to go in the first place. So, Jonah went to the town and gave the people the warning God had told him to give which went something like if you don’t repent within such and such a time, God will destroy your city.

Jonah was so angry that he camped outside of the city to see what would happen to it. He was hoping to see the judgment of God on the people. God was merciful to Jonah in his anger and caused some type of a plant to grow above Jonah’s head to provide him with shade from the sun, and Jonah enjoyed that.

However, God caused that plant to wither and die, and Jonah in anger says to God, “I’m so angry, I could die.” To which God responds, do you have a right to be angry over the plant that I caused to spring up and to die overnight, yet you are not concerned at all about these people who don’t know there left hand from their right hand? (Jonah 4:9-11)”

God was attempting to change Jonah’s perspective. Of course, he had a right to be angry because of the evil things that the people of that city had done, but he did not have a right to stay angry to the point of wishing upon them God’s judgment when God had been seeking for mercy.

Ultimately, the people repented and the city was spared. How many of us have been angry at people who have hurt us, and it seemed as if they just got away with it. We carried the anger so to the point of wanting to see God’s judgment or some type of retribution toward that person.

We can be angry for a season, but we should not sin. When that anger leads to bitterness, unforgiveness, and wrong thinking; then it becomes sin.

I know a young lady who dated a few guys, and the few guys that she dated we’re never right. They we’re never up to standard. She dated men who we’re unsaved who weren’t up to standard. She then dated a man who was saved, and he was not up to standard. She began to harbor anger within herself saying screw all these guys none of them are any good.

Her anger moved from being angry, to bitterness, to unbelief. She went from hoping to one day meet a godly man who would compliment her to, believing that their aren’t any good men out there, which is a position of failure. That is where Satan wants to take us to a position of failure where we will forfeit our own blessings in Christ because of our anger, but we can  like Jonah get together with God and be real with God telling him, “I’m so angry I could just die,” God will then assist us in the things that we need to do to renew our minds and to get rid of the anger through changing our perspective of things. The young lady who was very angry began to be reminded by God of Philippians 4:8 which says:

Finally, brethren, whatsoever things are true, whatsoever things are honest, whatsoever things are just, whatsoever things are pure, whatsoever things are lovely, whatsoever things are of good report; if there be any virtue, and if there be any praise, think on these things.

The young lady has made a decision not to entertain any negative thought dealing with men or relationships. She instead has decided to entertain what God’s word says instead. She is no longer angry, and has set herself up to receive the blessing of God.

Tonight, I’ve been meditating on John 11:1-43 where the story of Jesus raising Lazarus from the dead is told. The story of Lazarus is a story of faith in God making a promise and that promise being fulfilled before Lazarus family’s very eyes.

When I began writing for Intercession for A Generation my very first blog was about faith. Where I asked the question where is your faith, and I talked about how we as people of God are on our way to things God has promised us and that we needed to use our faith to get there.

Yesterday, I was reminded in prayer about some things that I had prayed to God about. I had gotten home from my parents house feeling really tired with the intentions on taking a nap, but when I got into my home, I began to pray. As an intercessor, God often brings people and situations before me to pray about and sometimes after I’m finished praying, the question comes to my mind what about me Lord. What about the things that I have asked you for. So, after I finished praying for everyone on yesterday, I simply told the Lord, “I thank you that you heard my prayers.”

That simple statement denotes expectation or faith in the Lord simply saying even though it doesn’t look like anything is happening right now, I trust that you are working on my behalf because you heard my prayers.

Jesus was aware all along that his friend Lazarus had been sick. He stayed away purposefully until Lazarus had died because the situation had to play out the way that it did for God to get the glory out of it. (John 11:2-4)

When Jesus had gotten to the place where he was near the entrance of the town, Mary and Martha sisters of Lazarus we’re overwhelmed with mourning and grief because of the situation. Both of the sisters told Jesus if you had been here, Lazarus would still be alive. They we’re looking at the situation according to how things appeared. Lazarus had been in the tomb four days and in their eyes it was too late for their brother to get up.

Jesus attempted to change their perception saying, “Your brother will live again.” They responded yes I know he will live again in the resurrection at the last day. However, Jesus responded saying, I am the resurrection as he continued to persuade her to believe in his ability to do the impossible right then and there.

Just before Jesus does the miracle he says, “Did I not tell you that if you believed, you would see the glory of God?” Again, Jesus is reassuring us that our expectations being placed in him will not be disappointed. If we put our trust and faith in him; we will indeed see the glory of God.

Jesus looks up to heaven and says, “Father, I thank you that you have heard me.” The very same thing that Jesus is asking us to do by putting our trust in him; he does by putting his trust and expectation in the heavenly Father to bring to pass what he’s believing him for. Jesus is our #1 example of how we are to deal with God.

After all the grief that Jesus endured of people looking at him and talking about him saying things like if he is the Son of God why can’t he have just prevented the man Lazarus from dying. After, the situation appearing to be dead and over, Jesus in faith calls what was dead back to life again showing forth the glory and the power of God.

That same power and authority is what we as believers can rest our trust in knowing that the things that we have prayed to God for and the things that we have been believing God for according to his will; will indeed come to pass no matter what the situation looks like.

When we decide to place our faith and trust in God; we set ourselves up for his miracle to come to pass in our very lives just like it did for Lazarus’ family.

There are women out there who do the best that they can. They serve God with all of their heart. They wait on God. They love people, but they feel alone. When they go through things they feel like they go through them alone. They do not have the support or even the perspective of a man most times, and they feel abandoned.

These women feel like they have to face life and life’s challenges uncovered or without being under the protection of a man, a head, or a leader. She may not have had a father in her life. Or the father who is in her life may not have walked out the role of a father protecting and covering his daughter. He may have disrespected the girl’s mother on a consistent basis through abuse verbally, mentally, and physically. Therefore, the girl grows up into a woman confused about her worth and how to relate to men or how men should relate to her. This woman has to be strong for herself and assume all the responsibilities of her household. She feels like she has to bury the thought of having a mate that would compliment her, love her, and understand her due to running into several men who lack what she needs in a mate. I just want to say that although there are women who feel like this; it is a lie from the devil that you are abandoned or alone. It is a lie from the devil that you have to face everything on your own.

I feel like God wants this woman who feels this way to trust in him. When people say that God is a father to the fatherless and he will cover the widow and fatherless. It’s not just a phrase; it’s real. It’s actually the beat of God’s heart to look after those that are uncovered and are alone and abandoned. The Bible clearly says that you are not practicing being a Christian without looking after the widow and fatherless. (James 1:27)

Also, the Bible says that when your father and mother forsakes you; he will take care of you. (Psalms 27:10) I was reading Deuteronomy Chapter 8 tonight and it talks about how the Lord is bringing his people the children of Israel to a promise, and how God doesn’t want us to forget him when he brings us into that promise. A lot of us are waiting on a promise to have a man of God who will treat us right like Christ treats his bride the church. We want to make up for the things that we have lacked coming up, and to know that we are worthy of real true love despite what we have experienced.

Deuteronomy went on to explain how God allowed his people Israel to go through certain things to show them that they do not only need the natural things that he had promised them, but that they needed him even more then those things. Read verses 2-5.

2 And thou shalt remember all the way which the Lord thy God led thee these forty years in the wilderness, to humble thee, and to prove thee, to know what was in thine heart, whether thou wouldest keep his commandments, or no.

3 And he humbled thee, and suffered thee (meaning allowed thee) to hunger, and fed thee with manna, which thou knewest not, neither did thy fathers know; that he might make thee know that man doth not live by bread only, but by every word that proceedeth out of the mouth of the Lord doth man live.

4 Thy raiment waxed not old upon thee, neither did thy foot swell, these forty years. 5 Thou shalt also consider in thine heart, that, as a man chasteneth his son, so the Lord thy God chasteneth thee. Deuteronomy 8:2-5 (KJV)

God wants us to know that although we have experienced some crazy stuff; he has been there all along and he is the one who has sustained us through it all. It’s because of him we are still here in our right minds after experiencing the things that we’ve been through. However, God wants us to learn a lesson in the things that we’ve been through. He says he allowed it so that we can see that we needed him more than we needed our circumstances to change.

In other words, the scripture is saying that God has made his people some promises. God has made some of us women of God some promises as well that he would bless us with a godly companion. However, before God blesses us he wants to deal with what is in our hearts. As much as we would like to believe we are completely innocent and have everything altogether, that is just not the case. God wants to use our current circumstances to fix what’s wrong in us. He wants us to entrust those men that we’ve had our eyes on to him; while he fixes us. 

God saw in the children of Israel’s heart the tendency to forget him. By causing the children of Israel to go through in the wilderness; he ingrained a consistent memory in their mind that before they had the blessing of promise that it was God who sustained them. It was God who sustained them for an excessive amount of time. God had sustained them for 40 years to be exact. During that 40 years the Bible says God allowed them to know what it is like to feel hungry and be fed by him. God allowed them to walk in the same clothes and shoes without those clothes wearing old nor the feet becoming swollen from overuse of the same pair of shoes for 40 years.

In the same way that God sustained the children of Israel in this passage of scripture, God is saying to trust him to sustain you as a single woman. I thought about this as I was reading the scripture and how it is true how God has sustained me. I have been single for 30 years and God has sustained me with peace of mind, all of my needs taken care of, and no baby daddies. God has been good. God is so good that not only will he sustain you, but he will cause you to find forgiveness in your heart for those that hurt you and mistreated you because forgiveness is not really about that other person, but it’s about you. God will deal with and take care of those other people, but God is concerned about you. I also thought about how I hadn’t been out on a date in 3 years and didn’t even realize it. I wasn’t stressing saying oh, I need to find someone to date because I didn’t realize. It wasn’t a big deal to me.

I did realize a pattern however that made me feel out of place or discouraged, and that is when I decide to look to men instead of to God. Yes, there are a lot of issues when it comes to men, and women can easily feel let down without very many choices. We have the ratio of men to women, then the amount of men in prison, then the amount of men who go with men, and finally the men of God who don’t know who they are and are trying hard to be like men who are in the world. But I believe God doesn’t want us to focus on that. He wants us to focus on him and how he is the one who has sustained us. Putting our trust in a man that God has not clearly ordained to cover us is like bringing an empty glass to a broken fountain expecting the glass to become full. The glass will remain empty. That glass is like our hearts. When we put our trust in the wrong men; we open our heart up to disappointment.

God doesn’t want us to be disappointed. He wants us to be excited and thankful for him and how he’s sustained us thus far, and how he will continue to sustain us until he brings  the man that he has promised us because God intends to make good on his word, but he is perfecting us and making us pure so that when the promise comes we will be able to handle it without forgetting the Lord. So, don’t be discouraged because it seems that you are alone at times. The truth is you are never alone. God is there with you teaching, chastening, and purifying you as he prepares you for the blessing that he has for you, and he doesn’t want you to be discouraged by what you see, but to keep your eyes on him because he is able to do the impossible.

1.) Make God your First Love: For thou shalt worship noothergod: for the Lord, whose name is Jealous, is a jealous God: Exodus 34:14 Hopefully, we are all familiar with the fact that God is not crazy at all about us making idols out of anything but him. He alone should hold a special allegiance, submission, and worship in our lives because he is God. Now, in order to understand how a healthy relationship should look, we need to look at our relationship with God. After all, the biblical purpose of marriage is to be a sign or a reflection of our relationship with God. For example, The man is to love his wife like Christ loves the church and gave himself for it. (Ephesians 5) Marriage is a covenant relationship that should not be broken unless, but for a few things that I won’t mention here. Our relationship with God is a covenant relationship often reflected in scripture metaphorically as a marriage. If we can be faithful with our relationship with God in putting him first, and keeping his commandments,  we are well on our way to learning about having a successful marriage relationship. If we get our relationship with God right first; then every other relationship that follows will be right as well. Our relationship with God is the most important relationship that we will ever have. If we neglect our relationship with God; then every other relationship we have will suffer for it. God is a jealous God and he will not allow us his people to have any other god before him even if that’s a man or a woman we desire to be in relationship with. God has often allowed things to happen to the children of Israel in the old testament when they began to follow idols. God’s people would always end up coming back to God and repenting for allowing things to take God’s place because that always landed his people in bondage. 

2.) Knowing who you are first:  You really need to know who you are first before you seek out a marriage relationship. So many people get into relationships expecting the other person to fix their problems, but if you are messed up then that other person is not going to be able to fix your problem, but rather it will cause a strain on the relationship and it will be over before it started. So many women who don’t love themselves get into a relationship with a man to have him love them as if that will fix the problem, but you cannot love anyone unless you first love yourself. I used to have very low-self esteem  not knowing who I was. I didn’t feel pretty at all, and I felt like if when I got a little older if I could have sex with guys then that would fix my problem and boost my self-esteem. I’m so glad I got to know Jesus before then. I’m sure I would have regretted that after realizing that I was worth more. You get your worth from God. You find out who you are from walking with God. When Moses was in Egypt he had no idea who he was. Then he learned that he was a Hebrew and he started to meet up with God on that mountain and God birthed him into who he was called to be a great leader, yet he didn’t even no it. So #1 find your identity in Christ Jesus. Therefore, you will learn to love yourself and make better decisions for yourself because of it.

3.) Faithfulness: Going back to our relationship with God where we learn handfuls about marriage. God is committed to us as his bride. God has no intentions on divorcing us his people. When he sent his son to redeem us he meant serious business. I’m sure there are times when we weren’t faithful to God, when we made mistakes, and God felt like we did not love him, but he still remained faithful to us. If you read the book of Jeremiah God discusses all throughout those chapters how his bride, “Israel” at the time committed adultery against him in a sense through idolatry, yet he says that he is still married to Israel. When God took us on as his bride he took us on for the good times, and the bad times. Oftentimes, in a physical marriage people are only willing to stick around for the good times, and when a person no longer feels things are working that person is ready to leave. However, as a single person when you go through rough patches with God where you don’t feel his presence, or you don’t feel close to him; you don’t leave God, but hopefully you seek God more while you wait out the circumstance, and when you feel close to God again you are more stronger for it. It’s the same way in a marriage relationship. So many people say, “I don’t want to be married anymore because I don’t feel the love anymore”, but marriage is more than a feeling. It’s a life-long covenant or commitment.

4.) Time Management: As singles we are encouraged to be super busy to distract ourselves from wanting a mate and the ever so active sex-drive that knocks at our door, in which we aren’t allowed to answer just yet.  A person can be busy all day long and avoid fantasying about sex; however, unfortunately when you go to bed you are busy doing nothing but laying in your bed until you go to sleep. This is where the devil often comes to tempt the single people of God and he is often successful because our lives are so imbalanced that we lack the strength to resist the enemy and we just give in. When you are balanced you find other ways to bring yourself relaxation and enjoyment besides just giving in to the temptations of the flesh. You purposely prioritize your time contributing to your good health physically, mentally, socially, and spiritually. Oftentimes, singles are so busy  they are imbalanced. If you do not love yourself enough to take care of yourself and have some time for yourself then how will you love and take care of someone else or have time for someone else. Many Christian singles say they desire marriage at some point but live their lives as if they will be single for the rest of their lives. You have to be able to make time for your spouse or future spouse. You have to have time to communicate with your spouse or spouse to be and continue to learn him or her. If you are willing to put in the time, work, and communication then you are starting off on a solid foundation that will add to the strength of your marriage. Last but not least if you are having trouble managing your time, then pray to God for wisdom on what to commit to or what to let go of. Oftentimes, singles are so over committed to things God has not called them to do or things that it is no longer their season to do. If what you are giving your time to is no longer yielding fruit, that may be a sign that you are to come away from that thing. Pray to God for wisdom, peace, and confirmation. If you want a return out of your marriage you have to constantly invest into your marriage, and that takes time.

5.) Intimacy: Of course as Christian singles we should not be having sex right now. That is not what I am talking about as far as intimacy as it concerns the Christian single. Intimacy is not just sex, but it is a close fellowship with someone. As Christian singles we should be practicing having close fellowship with God as well as trust-worthy individuals that God has placed in our lives. At the center of intimacy is communication. A relationship without communication is headed for disaster.  As Christian singles we should make a conscious effort of prioritizing intimate time with God.  I believe that when there is a lack in close fellowship in a relationship that there is a void that opens the relationship up for temptation and confusion. For example, the Bible warns married couples of being imbalanced fasting excessively while neglecting the fellowship of sexual intimacy between the couple. The scripture says for the couple to come back together again lest they open themselves up for temptation from the enemy. (1 Corinthians 7:5) Similarly, when we fell to practice intimacy with God through prayer and meditating on his word; we open ourselves up to be tempted and to give in to temptation easier. On the other hand, when we continue to practice intimacy with God our relationship with God is strengthened, and we can more easily resist temptation. Jesus says in Luke 22 to his disciples to watch and pray lest they enter into temptation.  Jesus continued on to pray himself. He was under pressure because he knew that it was time for him to die for man’s sins. The Bible says Jesus went off to pray and an angel came and strengthened him (Luke 22:41-43).  Again when we pray we are practicing intimacy with God and he gives us strength. People who walk closely with God are normally not so quick to sin against God because they love him. The bible says they that love him will keep his commandments. Similarly, those that walk close with their spouse will not be so quick to go outside of the marriage because they love their spouse and are willing to consider what it will do to their spouse.   If you are having trouble in this area, you need to pray specifically and honestly to God about it so he can help you and he will help you.

6.) Appreciation for one another: God warns the children of Israel over and over again in the old testament about not forgetting him when he brings them into the land that he promised. The land of milk and honey. (Deuteronomy 8:10-20)   Why did God say that? The reason is because we human beings have a tendency to take things or people for granted when things are going well. God makes it clear what will happen when we begin to forget him. We will invite all types of confusion and chaos into the relationship that will bring the relationship down. Sometimes husbands and wives take one another for granted. It’s almost like I got you now so I don’t have to be on my best behavior. One thing mentioned in scripture that can keep the relationship strong in this area is to set aside intentional time to remember the good times and appreciating one another. God mentioned to his people the children of Israel to make a memorial to him so they would not forget him calling several feasts celebrations signifying various things that he had done for his people. (Exodus 13:5)  For example, the feast of Passover is a memorial of Jesus Christ dying for man-kind. The married couple needs to set aside specific and intentional time to appreciate one another and remember the good things that caused them to come together in the first place. As single individuals, we should already be practicing this behavior with God as far as remembering the Lord, and setting aside specific time to remember him and the things that he has done in our individual lives.

7.) Unselfishness: Everyone knows that we live in a very selfish society where it’s all about me. A good strong and healthy relationship is a reciprocal relationship where both parties are involved with contributing equally to the relationship. I cannot stand being or attempting to be in a relationship where I am doing everything in the relationship. I have been there and done that. Then I figured out if I’m going to have to do everything than I may as well just be in a relationship with myself. Nobody has time for deadweight. If you want to be in a strong and healthy relationship then don’t just be willing to receive, but be willing to give as well.

8.) Mutual Respect: Mutual respect is a very big one. It’s always said and I do believe this to be true that men want respect and women want love, but I would like to go on a little further and say that women want to be respected too. Not only do men and women want to be respected, but every human being wants to be respected whether they are a child, or an adult male or female. Respect assigns a sense of worth to the individual by a another. Everyone wants to feel like they are worth something and their opinions are worth something. Therefore, if you want to have a healthy relationship than you can start practicing now while you’re single by respecting anyone and everyone that you meet. You may not agree with everything that person says, but if you can respect a person there is always room for growth in that type of relationship.

9.) Integrity: People always say that integrity is what you do when no one else is watching you. Well, if you are doing well while no one else is watching you while you are single; than you will do well when no one else is watching you while you are married. Now is the time to form those good and integral characteristics about yourself that will contribute toward a strong healthy relationship such as self-control, honesty, integrity and the like.

10.) Learning what real-love is: I thought about how a lot of people say that they marry for love, but in reality lot’s of people marry for the initial feeling or emotion of love, but they may not completely understand what real-love is. When you really love someone, you make a commitment for the long-hall. To love that person for a life-time. Thus, love becomes a consistent choice in addition to the emotion or feelings that love bring. It’s a good idea to refresh yourself every now and then on what the Bible says love is. (1 Corinthians 13:4-8) Know that if real love is what you want; it will take some endurance, some selflessness, some humility, some forgiveness, some kindness, and the like. If you pay close attention you will find that you probably already practice these attributes in your life now with certain people that you love such as family members and friends. You may not feel like going to meet your friend and help them with their car that just died out, but you make a sacrifice and do it because you love them. Some of us give our last dollar to strangers who ask for money for food because we love them. These little attributes that we practice now as single individuals will help us tremendously when we are married as well. Once we have been faithful over these few things as singles; we can become ruler over more in marriage. (Matthew 25:21)

Prince Felix of Luxembourg and his new bride, Claire Lademacher, pose for photographs after their civil wedding ceremony in Koenigstein am Taunus, Germany.

I recently came across a story with the headline, “Prince marries commoner.” 

Of course this headline immediately grabbed my attention as I looked at the pictures of the bride and the groom enjoying one another as they pledge to holy matrimony. I love these types of stories because it reminds me of who I am in Christ. We all we’re born commoners in this world with a chance at royalty, a
chance to be a part of the greatest royal lineage there ever was and ever will be, and that lineage is the kingdom of God. 

Anyone with a biblical foundation understands that the relationship of a man and his wife is to be a picture on earth of God’s love for man-kind and his
church, whom he calls his bride (Ephesians 5:25-33). God is so good that he gives us reminders of himself and his thoughts toward us through natural things that he created in this world.

“For the invisible things of him from the creation of the world are clearly seen, being understood by the things that are made, even his eternal power and
Godhead; so that they are without excuse:” Romans
1:20

Women want to feel desired, loved, and pursued by someone, and if men are honest they will admit that they feel those same desires too. Well this blog is
to remind us that all of those desires can be met through our relationship with God.

He loves us and sees us as royal and worthy of the best when we may not see ourselves as such. That is why God gave us his best. He pursued us when he gave us his son Jesus Christ to die for our sins. (Isaiah 53:10) Jesus Christ is our prince, who has changed our name, our status, and our right to inheritance. We are thoroughly blessed with all things that we need through him. It’s important to know who you are and who you are connected to.

I leave you with1 Peter 2:9-10 that says:

 “But ye are a chosen generation, a royal priesthood, an holy nation, a peculiar people; that ye should show forth the praises of him who hath called you out of darkness into his marvelous light; Which in time past were not a people, but are now the people of God: which had not obtained mercy, but now
have obtained mercy.”

So, don’t go settling for anything once common people who have become royalty through Jesus Christ!

So, this morning I was reading about the Apostle Paul, who wrote a great deal of the new testament, and was one of the most instrumental people to push the gospel of Jesus Christ. I had noticed something about Paul that I hadn’t noticed before. He mentioned in 2 Corinthians 10:7-11 how there were those who looked at him after the outward appearance that said that his letters were weighty and powerful, but his presence was weak and when he spoke in person it wasn’t that good. (KJV)

When I saw that in the Bible I said Paul and I have somethings in common. First of all he is a single man of God as I am a single woman of God. He is judged according to his outward appearance as being weak. I am also judged by appearance as being weak because I carry a humble spirit. I don’t seek to be the center of attention. I have that Lecrae I can play the background type of vibe, but when necessary I address situations that may place me in the center of attention.

Of course, Apostle Paul corrected the naysayers and represented who he was as a person regardless of what people thought about him or saw him as. I thought about how so many people guys and girls are in and out of dating relationships looking for someone to validate them. We look for people to tell us we are pretty, we are desirable, we are worth being around, we are worthy of their time and all the while some of us don’t know these things for ourselves.

The danger in looking to people or relationships to validate you is that as easy as a person can offer validation to you they can just as easily strip away that validation and any self-worth from you because you allowed yourself to idolize their opinion of you instead of God’s opinion of you. At that point, those relationships can easily turn into manipulation where a person sees the worth that you place on their opinion of you as a need that you have in which can be manipulated to their advantage. I’ve experienced this and do not intend on experiencing it anymore.

People will always have an opinion of you. Most of the time if people are judging by the outward appearance they form wrong opinions about others, opinions based off of superficial and unfounded observances. People may say you are too quiet, too short, too dark-skinned, too light-skinned, too goofy, too serious, but those people cannot see what is in your heart neither did they make you.

The Bible says that we are fearfully and wonderfully made. This scripture has been used as somewhat cliche’; however, it is a very important scripture that means God did not just make us in a fly by night kind of a way. God put special effort and special thought into making each person into something wonderful. Wonderful means something that others will wonder at and just be like wow.

You don’t have to look like Beyonce to be a wow-factor, and guys you don’t have to look like Trey Songz to be a wow-factor. All you have to do is to love yourself. To accept yourself the way that God made you. If you’ve had trouble with that then join the club. I believe that every human being has had some sort of trouble with accepting something about themselves, but don’t stop at realizing you have an issue with yourself. Take it to God in prayer. Ask God to show you yourself the way he sees you. Ask God to help you to learn to love yourself. If you have an issue with your own style, ask God to give you your own style that you will feel comfortable and confident with. Finally, ask God to show you how what you view as a weakness can be used as a strength that gives God glory.

Many of the things that we may see as weaknesses about ourselves are actually a strength in some way. People who don’t talk a lot don’t get involved in drama. They may be strong thinkers who later on in life turn out to be great teachers. People, who talk a lot can be exhorters or encourages. Those who are goofy can spread the joy of the Lord and lift someones spirits. I’m sure if I tried I can find a million men and women who are exclusively attracted to a dark-skinned person or light-skinned person. That all depends on preference. You never know what God had in mind when he made you and the way that you see yourself today may develop into something even greater tomorrow. We grow in grace, development, character, styles and all types of ways. Enjoy the process and the ride of life in your own shoes without trying to change yourself to be like someone else wants you to be. When you learn to love yourself, you can then love others more freely and genuinely.

You see men look at the outward appearance, but God looks at the heart. (1 Samuel 16:7) He looks at what he has put inside of you. He knows who you are and when you are ready just like Apostle Paul he will give you a revelation of who you are. (Acts 9) Although, you may be going wrong by limiting yourself to how people see you. God can change your name and give you a new identity. The identity that you always we’re but never knew. Apostle Paul probably never thought that he would be preaching the gospel prior to his conversion, but when he got a revelation from God on who he was and what God had called him to do; he was able to step into his calling boldly, and do what God has called him to do

God wants us to be bold and confident in who he has made us to be. Therefore, we as singles and even married people should not use all of our lives seeking approval from one another, but from the one who made us. We should not get into dating relationships because of the insecurities that we have about ourselves and looking for those insecurities to be validated, but instead get them validated by God before we enter into a relationship. That way once we enter into a relationship we can provide some stability to the relationship instead of just seeking approval.

What are some of the things that you have learned about yourself? Has the things that you learned about yourself caused you to have a more positive outlook about yourself? Are you believing what people think about you or what God thinks about you?

For me lust is not as big an issue until my faith for God’s plan for my sexuality feels threatened or unrealistic. Lust then becomes more attractive because it offers immediate relief without the requirement to have faith in God for something that you do not have, but would like to have.

I heard somewhere on a documentary that there are studies that men tend to view pornography because it provides an immediate gratification to their fantasy which is something that they would like to have but do not. It also expressed the same sentiment regarding women who read romantic novels saying because of a woman’s desire for romance that she doesn’t have at the present moment, she reads the novel which feeds that fantasy of hers.

Therefore, if lust is an issue of faith or the lack thereof in our lives then we need to work on increasing our faith. Just because something hasn’t happened right away doesn’t mean that it will never happen, we just need to have enough patience to wait until it does. The Bible says that the trying of our  faith works patience. It also says that faith comes by hearing and hearing by the Word of God. Therefore, we need to be around people who are talking about the word of God. We need to be building our faith with scripture, and through prayer, and also with the things that we think about. Get away from people who sow seeds of doubt in your life saying things like you will never get married, you are going to struggle with lust all of your life or things will never change.

The second deception in my list of fighting lust is that you are the only one struggling. Everyone else in the house of the Lord is floating on clouds of holiness and righteousness except you of course. You alone battle the demon of lust and lack the secret ingredient of walking on a cloud of holiness in this area. Just know that the devil is a liar. You are not the only one who struggles with lust. That isolation that comes about by believing you are the only one can easily cause you to give up and give into lust’s every whim. The Bible lets us know in the book of Peter that the things that we are going through our brothers and sisters in Christ are also going through the same thing in the world.(1 Peter 5:9)

Therefore, don’t struggle in isolation. Expose your struggle. Confess, get prayer, talk about it with godly accountability partners that are mature and of the same sex. You will find strength and healing taking place. (James 5:16)  Also, don’t get discouraged if your healing doesn’t happen immediately. Struggle against your flesh and against sin until you get free.  

Thirdly on my list is the thought that you can handle anything. Someone, who thinks they can handle any situation leaves the door open for things that can and will trigger lust. You have to be honest and humble enough with yourself to realize when you cannot handle something. Sometimes, our hormones are high due to outside factors or triggers such as sexual conversation, sex scenes on television, music that sets the mood, a touch in the right place, or certain settings like a bedroom or a dark place. At other times your hormones may be high for no reason at all. For example, I could be sitting down reading my Bible and next thing you know, I’m like where in the world did this come from…I was reading about Jesus. Unfortunately, during those instances where you don’t do anything and your hormones are on ten, there is really nothing you can do, but endure and try

to distract yourself from your hormones in those moments. However, with the other things mentioned you can set boundaries on what you will allow yourself to watch on TV, talk about sexually with someone of the opposite sex, listen to on the radio, and so forth. The Bible gives us a reason to be extreme when dealing with things that cause us to sin saying if your eye offends you pluck it out, for it’s better for you to enter into heaven lame, then to go to hell with all of your limbs. (Matthew 5:29-30) That is a metaphor for dealing with sin. The word offend in the Greek means to cause to sin. God is saying if there is something in your life that is causing you to sin; you just may need to cut it off completely in order to be free in that area. I know guys who don’t watch TV at all, not because it is a sin to watch TV because it isn’t, but because it helps them in their struggle against sin.

Forth on my list is the company you keep especially as it pertains to those who are of the household of faith or who claim to be Christians. If a Christian is practicing sexual immorality openly and you begin hanging with him or her there is an opportunity for the temptation that says it isn’t that bad for a Christian to have sex outside of marriage or so & so is doing it and he or she is OK. That is why the Bible makes it clear that it isn’t a good idea to keep company with people who are openly professing Christ, and are still yet practicing the sin of pre-marital sex. (1 Corinthians 5:9-11)

Last but not least on my list is attempting to live holy and pure in your own strength. God tells us in Isaiah that even the young men will faint. The struggle with lust is an area where several young men and women faint. However, it doesn’t have to end there. God lets us know that he is able to renew our strength. Sometimes, as a Christian single waiting on the Lord, I honestly get tired. Lust revs up so strong at times where I literally feel like there is no hope period end of story. It’s a done deal God. I’m a goner. At that last moment, the Lord reminds me that it is him that renews my strength and that I don’t have to depend on myself and my own abilities. It gives me so much strength to go on that I forget about the struggle that I had until the next season of struggle comes up.

If we are honest, as Christian singles we go through various seasons where sometimes we are strong and feel like we can stand for the Lord forever, and other times when we are weak, and feel like what were we ever thinking.

Now, when you go to God for renewed strength in this area, don’t be talking about yeah Lord, I need you to take these unholy images out of my mind, but you know you don’t really mean it. You know a double-minded man is not going to receive anything from God. (James 1:6-8) You have to allow yourself to get to the place where you are tired of lust coming in between you and your relationship with God, then you can come to God in sincerity and watch him work on your behalf.

Coming to God in humility and sincerity increases your intimate walk with the Lord and your ability to see how we depend on him. I think it is a beautiful thing that God can use even our weaknesses as it pertains to our flesh to draw us nearer to him. So, don’t believe the lies of lust that it’s worth flirting with lust and casting off your faith for real-love because lust gives immediate gratification, we are alone, we can handle any situation because we are supermen and women in Christ, or that we can stand for God in our own strength. That’s why we need God’s grace, and his grace is enough for us no matter where we are in our struggle against lust. We are over-comers through Jesus Christ our Lord.