TV One has a new show out that highlights the hot topic of virginity. Everyone seems to be jumping on the band wagon, but everyone’s contribution to the topic is not necessarily beneficial to those of us who are seeking to maintain our virginity until marriage.

Some positives about the show is that it is starting a conversation on a serious topic that affects the well-being and health of a woman mentally, spiritually, emotionally, and socially. It also gives a lot of Black actors a job that we have not seen work in a long time, and the show is written by an all female writing team.

However, in my opinion not everything is positive about the show, but it’s a comedy and meant to entertain not to promote the ideal of doing things God’s way. Comedy is cool and fine to draw viewers and keep them drawn in, something I believe the show has done well, but rather suggestively and if you are a serious virgin like me, it may not be your show of choice if you want to continue down the path of purity.

I ain’t ashamed to say what my flesh cannot handle right now as a single woman because my flesh ain’t saved. It is just under subjection and just like it is under subjection it can get from under subjection if I allow it. So, I personally choose not to fan the flame.

Just like I take my sexuality seriously in small things such as guarding my thoughts from inappropriate innuendos on television; a person who wishes to practice abstinence rather a born again virgin or regular virgin will need to take it seriously as well. That will mean not dating just anybody and everybody who is not on the same page, setting realistic boundaries such as not kicking it in a man’s apartment that we aren’t married to, possibly no kissing, and simply following the leading of the Holy Spirit.

The Holy Spirit leads us and guides us into pathways of truth only. Living abstinent for me is not something that I could do on my own. If I am honest, which I am, I would share that my ability to practice abstinence has been contingent upon the fact that God himself has been my covering giving me wisdom, and guidance on who to keep around and who to let go of and how to be free from my own lust. We cannot continue to practice abstinence if we continue to flirt with sin and sexually compromising situations as the lead character in the show continues to place herself in.

If you take fire into your bosom, you are sure to get burnt. You cannot play with sin especially sexual sin. If I am getting to know a brother and notice a spirit of seduction on him coming at me, I cut him off. I ain’t got time for games. God gives us discernment for a reason. We have to use it. I remember talking to this one guy who thought he had a full-proof get the drawers plan, and it would have worked on me had I not cut him off.

Popular media often looks at virginity as just a sensational thing to try to tempt or disprove virgins as strange, weird, naive’ or imbalanced. It only focuses on the natural mocking or ignoring the spiritual. I have seen some strange reality shows on virgins looking straight foolish that has turned me off. If the media wants to tackle the issue of virginity in a balanced manner then they will need to seek out balanced virgins. We are not weird, freaky, creepy, naive’ and disconnected individuals. We are strong individuals who have made a clear choice to seek to honor God with our bodies and God grants us the ability to do so by his grace.

Being a virgin is not just a physical situation for popularity or sport. It’s not something you try on like a glove, but a choice that reflects a transformation from the inside out. A virgin has to renew her mind. She has to be pure in both body and spirit making a series of smaller choices that lead up to the big choice of no sex until marriage.

It is possible to be a virgin and still be impure in one’s thoughts. This is why we need the Lord and his word to help us to renew our minds and to forgive us and cleanse us from all unrighteousness. We cannot walk around in our flesh trying to accomplish God’s will on our own.

While it is great that TV One has decided to tackle the topic of abstinence and virginity because of the conversation that surrounds the topic; it is not clear where the main character of the show will be going or how serious she really is about her choice to practice abstinence. Unless she takes things seriously and makes some serious changes, she will end up in a brother’s bed, and I will not be tuning in to watch

There is a perceived scarcity of godly men and women due to many men and women of God being separated, but despite the perceived scarcity the providence and ability of God is much greater than any perceived scarcity.

My friend and I were talking this weekend about why guys sometimes operate the way that they do. I proposed the lack of teaching, guidance, and direction in the church for how a man is to pursue a woman as well as the perceived scarcity of mature Christian men and women. She agreed. She said that guys will pick girls like flowers and put them in a basket as he peeps the field for the best flowers. Either he finds a flower that he thinks is better or if not he goes back to his basket and picks one from there.

My response was that’s cool as long as he isn’t leading on every girl in his basket because the ones that aren’t chosen will have to deal with rejection, and fear of not being good enough or pretty enough. These are all distractions from being the confident woman that God desires for us to be.

This is just my take and I am not an expert just a young woman learning and growing. I feel that there has been within some circles a since of scarcity for mature Christian men and women of God. Therefore, when a guy who may be somewhat mature sees a beautiful mature woman of God, he feels he’s got to jump right on her locking her down before the next dude gets to her, but the problem with this is once the guy gets her interest and realizes he isn’t ready for such a big commitment, he freezes up and falls back.

This could be a good thing if the brother realized that he was moving on his own accord and not by the leading of God. In that sense, he has prevented some heartache, and yet caused some as well. However, with the grace and love of God, mutual respect and understanding communication this can be overcome.

This is why my take would be to just be friends as much as possible checking one another out, but keeping it to ourselves until we are serious and sure that we want to pursue a relationship that pleases and honors God. In this way the girls emotions are protected because the gentleman and woman together have set appropriate expectations. Also, it isn’t fair to just get with somebody because we feel they are the only man or woman of God out there. In that case, we may find ourselves settling for someone God doesn’t have for us, or ignoring serious issues to have someone.

This is why I love the below scripture that implies that there is a need to be full of good things to make a good decision instead of making a decision out of famine:

One who is full loathes honey from the comb, but to the hungry even what is bitter tastes sweet. Proverbs 27:7

The person who makes the choice for a relationship out of famine or lack, may not make the best choice.

This is why I believe God is bringing me into more fellowship with appropriate and godly men as well as women to balance out the skewed perceptions that we so easily get by seeing negative men or women on a consistent basis. This also helps us to be more laid back and relaxed about God’s will concerning the spouse that he may have promised some of us because our faith becomes strengthened seeing that it is possible to have appropriate interactions with the opposite sex.

I pray that single believers including myself would become so full off of the love of God, healthy, pure, and non compromising relationships with the opposite sex preferably in group settings that a mate choice is not made out of desperation or famine, but the wisdom, providence, and divine leading of the Lord. This will prevent some of the emotional roller coasters and help us to protect our hearts while we wait for God’s best and despite what you have been through, you are worthy of God’s best. God made each one of us the answer to someone’s prayers and worthy to receive love.

Instead of viewing godly persons of the opposite sex as a scarcity, we should view them as a rarity meaning uncommon, highly-prized, and rare. Scarcity implies nearly non-existent or not enough, when rarity implies existence that is hidden due to it’s high value. That’s who we are.

The below interview is from a man of God who remained a virgin until marriage. This interview was done last year at the age of 31. He remained a virgin until marriage. Listen to the interview below by clicking the play button on his picture. He discusses what it was that made him wait. His father’s impact on him, and avoiding falling into the negative images expected of men by popular culture.

Everyone that we meet of the opposite sex will not be a love interest. People come in and out of our lives in different seasons for different reasons. If we try to cast everyone into the role of future lover, we may be doing more harm than good.

What if God allows a person to come into our lives just to see an example of someone who is living holy for God and that is it. Let’s say for example a girl goes to a unisex salon where of course there are both guys and girls getting their hair done. If a girl goes there long enough she becomes an associate of the people who work there.

They see her face, know her name, have a few meaningful conversations and that is it. After a while of going there she may be presented with an advance from a barber who wants to be more than an associate.

She agrees to go out with the gentleman. They have good conversation, but it is clear that the gentleman is not who she needs for a spouse. If the woman is honest with herself she will keep him in the associate category and deal with him in that sense or even better yet she can understand what type of gentlemen that he is through his conversation in the shop and avoid going out with him altogether to avoid confusion. You can tell a lot about a person by what comes out of their mouths [i].

The young lady could still maintain a friendly associate relationship with the brother getting some of her needs met as far as fellowship, male companionship through friendship in an environment where pressure is minimized for both the man and the woman and the environment is safe and free of compromise at the shop. Because they are fellowship in a public place with other people there is no room for compromise of her purity.

The man would also enjoy her fellowship and possibly grow from being around her in that safe atmosphere. It’s okay to leave a relationship at where it presents itself as far as an associate type of relationship that clearly will not work in a further manner because of things such as being unequally yoked.

I believe that God has anointings of safety at certain places where both men and women can fellowship with one another and see what is in another’s heart through conversation and such without the worry of compromise or distraction.

Dating one on one is not the only way to get to know someone and when done too soon can place unnecessary pressure on a relationship to move to fast. For the unequally yoked relationship a wreck almost becomes certain as the next step.

Women especially have to be careful because we are the weaker vessel. I will admit, I am not an expert on exactly why in the Bible it says that women are the weaker vessel, but we were judged in the garden of Eden to be in submission to our husbands. With that charge from God, women have a right to be somewhat choosy when it comes to picking a mate, because who she picks she has to submit to. A woman should ask herself while she is romanticizing about a particular gentlemen caught up in the awes of being desired by someone for a mate if she is willing to submit to him for the rest of her life , if not she may be wasting her time and his and that is not going to have a good ending.

We have been so cultured by the world, society, media, and images of when a guy and girl click to date or place someone in a romantic category without actually applying discernment of how the long-run with a person may look, or prayerful consideration of why an individual is in our lives.

Again, just because a person is of the opposite sex doesn’t mean that he is the possible boo-thing. It’s okay to leave the relationship at what it presents itself as whether associate, friendship, or potential, until it naturally evolves into more, but a potential should not be assumed for every relationship.

There has to be some form of patience in acquiring what God has for us. The Bible says that through patience the promises of God our obtained [ii]. Give people time to show you who they are without the pressure of dating. Give time for God’ discernment as well.

Assuming a potential for every person of the opposite sex can limit the amount of people in one’s life of the opposite sex because if it turns out sour; it may be hard to go back to being friends or trying to be associates. God’s purpose for allowing that person into one’s life may become lost or looked over altogether for trying to make it into a romantic relationship.

Below are some brief definitions of various friendship relationships from a video by a teacher that I follow called Perry Stone, “Don’t Awaken Love Before Time.” His video can be purchased at the following link: http://www.voe.org/store/dv146-don-t-awaken-love-before-the-time

He broke down the four levels of friendship as such:

Four Levels of Friendship:

Casual – Seeing them in church or somewhere familiar. You don’t develop a deep friendship, but it is based on questions and answers between two people, “How you doing etc.”

Common – We have something in common together. Common interests. For example sports fans of the same team etc.

Close – Based on common goals and dreams.

Covenant – Based on intimacy (not physical intimacy). Someone you will trust enough to share things you normally would not share with other people.

Pastor Stone shared that a person who is dating should not go past levels 1-3 unless they know for sure that they are going to marry the other person. He also provided several additional insights as it relates to relationships that is worth checking out. See the video at the youtube link below for more insight. We watched this video at an encouragement group last year and discussed how relevant it was.

When we take people in our lives who were meant to be associates, or friends and try to force them to be future spouses we create confusion for ourselves as well as for other individuals. We also create frustration from valuable time spent that could have be used in a more productive manner.

We will meet people in our lives who fit each category. Some of those people will be attractive and of the opposite sex, but they may not be appropriate for the last category. Relationships with the opposite sex are all about discerning what God’s will is for each person bought into our lives and being willing to submit to that will when God reveals it to us.

My advice would be to enjoy your life as a single person. Enjoy the fellowship of both men and women in an uncompromising way. It is easy to do this in a group setting whenever possible and be prayerful and honest with God and yourself about everything and you will be fine.

i. A good man brings good things out of the good stored up in his heart, and an evil man brings evil things out of the evil stored up in his heart. For the mouth speaks what the heart is full of. Luke 6:45

ii. That ye be not slothful, through faith and patience inherit the promises. Hebrews 6:12

https://youtu.be/TtoHButhRlg

So, I just have to address this phrase that is used so rapidly in and out of the church to point out a single in a negative instance of why they are still single as if being single is something negative. Where do people get their data from? Since when is it universally negative among believers that being single is a negative thing. Do Christians know that Jesus was single, John the Baptist was single, and Apostle Paul was single. Why were all of these great biblical figures single? Simply because they were about the will of their father. They knew what their purposes were and they hopped to it.

They were willing to make a sacrifice in order to do what God had called them to do. Whatever calling God calls us to there will be some amount of sacrifice because that is one of the core teaching of being a follower of Christ i.

God’s word says if any man will come after me, let him first deny himself and take up his cross and follow after me. Whether a person is called to be married or single they will sacrifice something as believers. That is why you have some married people who want to be single, and some single people who want to be married during their season of singleness because they no longer want to make a sacrifice.

Singles don’t want to sacrifice their sexual appetite while single, so they seek marriage, and married folk don’t want to sacrifice their selves, personal ambitions and dreams and some seek to be single. The key to contentment however is abiding in the calling that we are currently called to. If we as singles don’t see someone who is appropriate for us in our reach, we may be called to be single for a time. If married folks have made their vow of marriage committing to stick it out with someone, that is probably where they are called.

To everything there is a time and season to every purpose under the sunii. A time to embrace and a time to refrain from embracing. If we know these things than why are so many singles ostracized, made to be outcasted, looked down upon, and made to feel as though there is something wrong with them for being single. Why is it that when a single is content and happy within that status; it is disdained or he or she is made to feel out of pocket, as though they are missing something. A person can be happy, content, fulfilled, and complete despite what others may think as a single individual.

The truth is there is a place of contentment for married people and single people alike and neither class should be looked at as lesser than or greater than just what a person is called to for the time-being.

I am not saying that singles who are content never want to be married, but we are cool with where we are at now until our season changes.

I want to contribute as much as I can to singles as they walk out their calling before I one day become married because singles are often misunderstood, and lack the proper ministry to be confident in their current shoes.

There is a place of contentment in Christ for singles where despite the fact that singles lack the benefits of marriage; it isn’t always noticeable what is lacked due to the blessing that is currently before the single individuals. For example, Adam & Eve were in the Garden of Eden naked. Being naked represents lack in the Bible or not having something. When Adam & Eve hid from God and God asked them why they were hiding; their response was we were naked. God responded saying, Who told you you were naked? In other words they had been so close to God and enamored with God in the Garden among all of their blessings that they did not know that they were naked or lacking something until they ate of the tree. Adam & Eve shifted their focus from what was important for them in that time which was keeping the commandment of God not to eat from the tree of good & evil. When their focus shifted from obedience to God to pursuing their own curiosities outside of God their world was opened up to see what they lacked and any other imperfections in the world.

Don’t allow someone else’s opinion of you and where you should be in life to distract you from where God has called you to for the time-being like the serpent did with Adam & Eve.

God wants us to be so close to him and enamored with the blessing of singleness that we don’t even realize we lack in certain areas such as having a spouse. God will meet the needs of intimacy that we desire as far as community, and having someone to conversate with who actually listens and contributes to us. As far as the hormones are concerned, God will quiet that for us until marriage where it’s really no big deal if we allow him. He will give us the grace as well for areas where we have fallen.

So, single people need to be confident people. It may take some time, but God will train us and hold us up. Therefore, don’t let anyone steal your contentment in Christ by telling you that’s why you are still single in a negative sense. Reject negativity right away especially when it comes from Christians because Christians are more influential to other Christians.

That’s why the word says not to hang with Christians who fornicate because that Christian will influence another Christian to compromise as well. Unfortunately, every Christian is not mature, and does not have the vision of God for your individual life. Just like Peter, one of Jesus’ beloved disciples did not always have the vision for Jesus’ life. He suggested inappropriate things due to his carnal fleshly thinking and Jesus rebuked him saying get thee behind me Sataniii. Peter was still God’s disciple but unlearned in various areas. It’s the same thing with believers nowadays. Know what to accept and to reject in order to continue to be bold, stable, and confident singles until your season changes.

iThen said Jesus unto his disciples, If any man will come after me, let him deny himself, and take up his cross, and follow me. Matthew 16:24

iiTo every thing there is a season, and a time to every purpose under the heaven: Ecclesiastes 3:1

iiiBut when he had turned about and looked on his disciples, he rebuked Peter, saying, Get thee behind me, Satan: for thou savourest not the things that be of God, but the things that be of men . Mark 8:33, KJV

This morning, as I jumped into my car to get ready for work, I heard a new song from Trey Songz called “What’s Best for You”. He talked about how he just wanted what was best for his girl that it was not about him but her and how she deserves her worth. It immediately reminded me of one of the greatest relationship killers, and that is selfishness. I wanted to watch the video before I began to write about this song and so I did. I was slightly confused by the video because the lyrics talk about wanting what’s best for a girl while Trey Songz character dates two girls.

I then read through the comments to see what the two girls in the video could have meant. Many of the viewers were as confused as I was; however, one commenter had a very interesting take. He said that clearly the video meant that Trey is an entertainer who is on the road without the time and mindset to settle down thus in the video the two girls he agrees to let go of out of his life because they aren’t the type of girls that just want to play around. They are the type of girls who want a committed relationship with one man and he doesn’t want to compromise their worth.

I thought that was interesting. In it’s own way that interpretation can be a selfless way in dealing with a woman’s heart. Instead of breaking her heart and leading her to believe there is room for something more stable she is told the truth in the beginning and given a choice to choose to deal with it or walk away. Just think how much damage can be prevented by such an unselfish act.

The scenario could have gone a completely different way. Just like in real life where you see one broken relationship after another all because two parties are seeking to please themselves without considering the other party involved. People come into relationships with selfish motives at the expense of the other person. Instead of seeking for the other person’s well being, we often seek for our own momentary pleasure. Relationships were never designed to work in that way.

Relationships were designed by God to point people back to God. They were to be used as examples of God’s love for men and women being expressed between man’s love for woman and woman’s love and respect for man which is a picture of Christ and the church. (Ephesians 5:31-33[i]).

Just like selfishness is one of the greatest relationship killers, selflessness and servant-hood can be one of the greatest foundations to a healthy relationship. To learn about selflessness what better person should we look at than Jesus Christ.

He committed the ultimate selfless act. He humbled himself being the King of Kings. He came down as a servant to mankind taking on the lowest form of servant-hood when he washed his disciples feet [ii]. The person back in Bible days who washed the feet of house guests was the lowest form of a servant. Not only did he wash his disciples feet, but he taught his disciples that they should wash one another’s feet. [iii]In other words, we as believers are to look out for one another and for the best interests of one another even to the point of humbling ourselves.

If we took on this approach when pursuing or considering relationships i.e. being selfless and looking out for the best interest of our brothers and sisters, there would be less confusion, pain and heartache yes even in the church.

Not only did Jesus humble himself in serving his disciples by washing their feet, but he taught them that the greatest among them would be the servant.[iv] Therefore, basically, in the end what the disciples were seeking all along they would get by doing things God’s way in the manner of servant-hood and selfishness.

We also see this to be true with Jesus Christ who has garnered a name above every name that at the name of Jesus every knee would bow and every tongue would confess that Jesus is Lord. Therefore, Jesus in addition to serving us by coming to the earth putting off his kingship privileges to be able to dwell among us and save us from our sins has become the greatest man among us[v].

Our reasonable response to Jesus Christ is to respect him and honor him all that we know how. What if we had the same affect in our relationships that we loved and served one another so much that the only response that would come natural would be to honor, love and respect one another.

If you did a selflessness check where would you come out? Would you be the selfish self-seeker only or would you be the one who humbles yourself to put the needs of others before your own serving and loving your brother or sister?

[i] For this cause shall a man leave his father and mother, and shall be joined unto his wife, and they two shall be one flesh. This is a great mystery: but I speak concerning Christ and the church. Nevertheless let every one of you in particular so love his wife even as himself; and the wife see that she reverence her husband. Ephesians 5:31-33

[ii] Jesus knowing that the Father had given all things into his hands, and that he was come from God, and went to God; He riseth from supper, and laid aside his garments; and took a towel, and girded himself. After that he poureth water into a bason, and began to wash the disciples’ feet, and to wipe them with the towel wherewith he was girded. Then cometh he to Simon Peter: and Peter saith unto him, Lord, dost thou wash my feet? John 13:3-6

[iii] If I then, your Lord and Master, have washed your feet; ye also ought to wash one another’s feet. For I have given you an example, that ye should do as I have done to you. John 13:14-15

[iv] But he that is greatest among you shall be your servant. Matthew 23:11

[v] And being found in fashion as a man, he humbled himself, and became obedient unto death, even the death of the cross. Wherefore God also hath highly exalted him, and given him a name which is above every name: That at the name of Jesus every knee should bow, of things in heaven, and things in earth, and things under the earth; Philippians 2:8-10

Oh the joys and the struggles of being single as a mature adult. I’m 31 years old. I know my readers are shocked because I look 19, but yes I am over 30 years old (LOL smiley face). Once you hit 30 years old, it’s not uncommon to do a life evaluation. You ask yourself questions as far as what am I doing with my life? Where am I going? Am I on the path I would like to be and so on. If you are not careful, at 30 your life evaluation can turn out to be only rehearsing the expectations of those around you concerning you and your love life.

By 30 years old,  we are old enough to know that the expectations of others do not define who we are. We have to remember in the course of hearing everyone else’s voice and everyone else’s opinion about where we should be in life romantically and otherwise, that we should pay the more earnest attention to what God says for our lives.

I remember a while back, I was fasting and praying seeking God about all of the dreams and goals that he had put inside of me and how I should go about accomplishing them. I remember clearly,  God gave me this scripture that said, ” For we are his workmanship, created in Christ Jesus unto good works, which God hath before ordained that we should walk in them (Philippians 2:10, KJV)

The NLT version says, ” For we are God’s masterpiece. He has created us anew in Christ Jesus, so we can do the good things he planned for us long ago (Philippians 2:10)

Finally, the NIV version says, ” For we are God’s handiwork, created in Christ Jesus to do good works, which God prepared in advance for us to do (Philippians 2:10)

That scripture quieted my spirit and encouraged me to know that, Hey! God is on my side and I am not in this alone. God wants these dreams and goals to happen in me just as much as I do if not more because it was his idea to begin with.

Knowing what God is saying for you is the most important thing for your life, especially in the midst of several voices sharing their opinion on you and even your own voice of doubt about yourself. Guess who’s idea marriage was? Yes, it was God’s idea. If God wills for you to be married then don’t worry about marriage. Take the load off of your self. Stop trying to figure out how you will do this and that, but rather ask God what am I supposed to be focusing on right now. Whatever that is then do that to your best abilities and continue to walk with God.

Don’t allow someone else’s expectations of you to cause you not to enjoy your own life. Begin to cherish and make the most out of where God has placed you right now. One last thing, as a single mature adult, I would sometimes think it awkward to be so old yet not married because my parents we’re married at 18 and lots of people from the 50’s and 60’s we’re married by then also, but recently, I was reading the Bible and found that Isaac was 40 years old when he was married to Rebekah. I thought to myself this is not a new thing. There has always been single adults of a mature age . There is nothing new under the sun, and truly there is nothing too hard for God. Keep living, dreaming, and watching your dreams unfold, and welcome to maturity.