Category: Relationships

Dating Vs. Waiting Part VIII: Staying Pure in Your Season of Courtship

From previous posts you can see that I am not for aimlessly dating around. At this point in my life, I feel that it is clearer than ever that those who God has placed a desire to one day be married will have a season of courtship where the couple bought together by God will court one another for the specific purpose of getting to know one another for marriage.

At that point the couple would probably be somewhat excited that the person he or she is with is in line with God’s will for their lives, in addition to the fact that shortly after courtship and marriage it will be going down. With all of the excitement of the season, how do you keep the reigns of purity on the relationship while waiting for the appropriate moment to let it all go down. 1 Corinthians 10:13 – No temptation has overtaken you except what is common to mankind. And God is faithful; he will not let you be tempted beyond what you can bear. But when you are tempted, he will also provide a way out so that you can endure it.

The couple will need to set boundaries specific to the needs of the couple where both parties agree: The needs of one couple to remain pure may differ from the needs of another couple to remain pure in courtship. For example, I’ve known couples who have waited until marriage to kiss while other couples kissed prior to marriage and still got to the alter without having sex.

For myself I have had reoccurring problems with my sex-drive being in over drive as a single which is very frustrating because nothing can be done about it as a single. That’s why I prefer to go the route of not kissing until marriage.  My choice not to kiss until marriage will allow my hormones to be somewhat more stable.

Also, because of my lack of physical experience in the area of sex, kissing, and a man’s touch, I still have a curiosity about those things. By waiting to experience those things after marriage, I will be free to explore my curiosities without worrying about going overboard.

Maintaining purity in the courting relationship has a lot to do with knowing yourself, and being honest with yourself regarding the things that can be handled with discipline and the things that need to be postponed.

Other boundaries specific to a couple’s needs include not chilling in each others apartments alone, spending time with family together and other couples, hanging out in public, not talking on the phone too late at night, being mindful of the types of movies watched together. All of these things protect the purity in a relationship.

Finally covering one another’s weaknesses helps with the with purity in courting as well. I have a friend who is soon to be engaged and she shared that when her boyfriend brings up a physical fantasy that he has she does not respond to it by continuing that conversation or going into any further detail she just changes the subject.

Despite the couple being a mature and godly couple, they still had that weak moment that my friend shared with me. Even the mature and godly get weak sometimes, and that is when someone has to step up and make a mature decision to continue to seek to honor God. Therefore, when one party gets weak the other has to be strong and cover the weakness in that moment.

For more on setting boundaries to please God read a previous post about boundaries at the link: Setting Boundaries in Dating to Honor God and Maintain Purity

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Dating Vs. Waiting Part VII: Things to Do When a Man is interested in You

As previously stated in the first blog of this series, it is extremely rare that I date. I have been on what I would consider one real date within the last four years, and that was an associate who took me out for my birthday and nothing more. Dating is not always necessary to figure out if someone is worth courting. Figuring out if someone is worth courting is just as simple as having a conversation with someone. Below are some practical tips of what to do when a guy is interested in you.

Talk to him:
Have a natural conversation with the brother. Pay close attention to what comes out of his mouth because what comes out of his mouth will most likely show what’s in his heart. His intentions will normally eventually show up in conversation. Because you have not taken the relationship to such a serious level as you are only talking to a brother; it will be easier and less painful to break it off if you notice something that is a strait no go for you. We ain’t gotta boo up with someone just because they are interested in us. Take it easy sis! We are not desperate, but smart women who practice discernment and who follow the leading of the Lord. This will also make you more attractive to the right man. Trust me, men don’t know how to let you go when they see that you are a challenge and aren’t easy to get.

Luke 6:45 – A good man brings good things out of the good stored up in his heart, and an evil man brings evil things out of the evil stored up in his heart. For the mouth speaks what the heart is full of.

Proverbs 14:7 – Go from the presence of a foolish man, when thou perceives not in him the lips of knowledge.

Pray regarding him:
This is probably the most important one. God has always exposed men’s intentions to me after prayer and acknowledging God about how he feels about the gentleman. Men can talk a good game, and get pass women’s discernment, but they cannot get pass God. God has made men expose their intentions to me, so that I would not proceed further to heartbreak and time wasted. And for that I am very thankful.

Proverbs 3:5-6 – Trust in the Lord with all of your heart, and lean not on your own understanding. In all of your ways acknowledge him and he will make your paths strait. In other words, God will show you the way to go.

Have boundaries in place:
This is something that I learned from others that God placed in my life for accountability and to sharpen me. I had been away from talking to guys for so long, that I had forgotten that boundaries needed to be set. Boundaries are parameters that we set up for ourselves that prevent us from going over a certain point. Really, only you and God can set the boundary that is appropriate to you. One person’s boundary may not be effective with another person’s because we all have unique temptations that draw our attention in certain areas. For example: I have boundaries of not allowing men to know where I live if I barely know them, not to allow a male into my house if it’s just him and I alone, not to have sexual conversation with a male not my husband in a talking or dating setting. Some people have not kissing as a boundary, and others have not going on late dates. More on boundaries will be discussed in next week’s blog post.

1 Corinthians 10:12 – So, if you think you are standing firm, be careful that you don’t fall!

Know what you want and what you don’t want:
Some things God doesn’t have to show us. Some things are just a no go altogether. We know we don’t want to be unequally yoked together with an unbeliever. There may be other things that are just as important to you such as for myself, I don’t want to be with an immature man as I am mature. Neither do I want a man who’s way of life is that of manipulation and control. Those are no goes for me. You should have your own no goes and note them as you talk to the gentleman and are prayerful about him. What you want and don’t want ought to be such strong convictions for you that you adhere to them yourself. This is not about writing a frivolous list. The main thing that I want in a man is to have a man with a heart after God. That is also my heart as well.

Agreement:
There should be agreement on key values that are important to the both of you. Your purposes should be in agreement with one another as not to hold one or the other back if you were to get together.

Amos 3:3 – Can two people walk together without agreeing on the direction?

Follow God’s peace: Be honest about where God is leading you, and what God is showing you. If you constantly have a check in your spirit like something isn’t right, don’t ignore it. Follow God’s peace for your life.

Colossians 3:5 – And letthepeaceofGod rule in your hearts…

Don’t build off of an emotional connection or a physical attraction alone: Emotions can simply be deceitful. Just because we feel a certain way, doesn’t mean things are right. We have to have some sobriety in checking out a possible boo. Being led by our emotions is what leads us to skip over important red-flags and next thing you know we wake up one day in a mess asking ourselves how did we get here.

1 Peter 5:8 – Be sober, be vigilant; because your adversary the devil, as a roaring lion, walks about, seeking whom he may devour

Have Accountability:
Don’t just trust your own discernment, but allow yourself to check out the men who are interested in you among others. If you are in a place where you aren’t hearing from God or aren’t thinking clearly your accountability can help to make up that space. Your accountability partner needs to be someone who tells you the truth no matter what. I have an accountability partner who is as sharp as a tack. She gave me a very wise tip saying to write down the red-flags that I noted in men and decide whether it was something I could deal with or no. I have another friend who I’d share stuff with when talking to a guy and she was pretty much non-chalet saying things like just be thankful you have someone to talk to. I didn’t notice until now, the reason she would give such poor advice was due to low self-esteem and disbelief in God to send someone appropriate to her. Now, I pray for that sister, and am leery about taking advice from her. She needs to be healed. Be aware of these things as you choose accountability in your life.

Proverbs 15:22 – Without counsel purposes are disappointed: but in the multitude of counselors they are established.

All of the above steps should be taken in the talking stage. If after following all of the above steps, the connection turns into something that can grow and become a stable relationship that pleases God, then praise God! The next step would be to begin a courtship. If not, then at least, you were protected from a possible mess. 

Having a set of reasonable and practical guidelines in place like the above are of the utmost importance to meeting and entertaining the right gentleman. Patience also must be practiced in not allowing someone who is unqualified to just fill a slot to pass time. As God has called us to a higher standard, then we should raise the standard being thankful that God loves us enough to protect us and preserve us for his best.

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Dating Vs. Waiting Part VI: Dating Vs. Courting

I am no expert in the least concerning this topic as I have never been in a courting relationship with anyone. However, in my experience, dating isn’t necessarily serious initially. It is either to meet up and have fun, get to know someone, or just hang out for the sake of hanging out. Not to say that one is better than the other, but when seriously desiring marriage there comes a time when dating just for the sake of dating just isn’t enough. It often leads to confusion, rejection, and disappointment after a while.

Courting to my understanding is much more intentional. Courting to me carries a seriousness of both parties being sincerely interested in one another for marriage. Both parties normally have spent enough time together in non-compromising environments around family and friends to notice that there is some serious potential for those involved toward marriage.

In some cases, I have heard that there were men and women in similar environments such as church or whatever the case, and the Lord spoke to one or both parties that they were for one another and based on that they began to investigate through prayer and courting.

Courtship is normally practiced by the mature who have grown tired of the games that often come with dating. That isn’t to say that there can be no successful relationships developed from dating or that courtship is the only way to go.

Below are some ideals that I have found online that differ dating from courting:

Dating

  • Trying one another out seeing where it goes
  • Not necessarily in a position to be married just having fun 
  • Seeking pleasure for the moment 
  • Often doesn’t avoid compromising situations. Spends time in private a lot. Whatever happens happens. What had happened was…
  • May be done in secret. Often a person dating will not share significant other w/accountability if they know it isn’t God. Often just passes time with.
  • Uses a person in dating to fill voids that God should fill. I.e. insecurity, child-hood pain, lack of finances, abandonment, loneliness. 
  • Places high emphasis on physical/emotional intimacy

Courting

  • Already has an intuition of seriousness toward a possible marriage commitment. Has spent enough time together to validate this
  • In a position to be married emotionally, spiritually, socially, and financially.
  • Seeking to please God in the relationship as well as prior to taking on the relationship
  • Is careful to avoid compromising situations, spends time in public and around family and friends. Careful to protect one another’s virtue 
  • Is done with accountability. Considers family and friends as well as godly leadership. 
  • Depends on the Lord to fill voids. Practices walking in wholeness through intimacy with God.
  • Places less emphasis on physical/emotional intimacy to actually get to know the person.

Courtship implies a need to wait until there is someone who appears worthy of us in a serious manner. Thus, it leans more toward the paradigm of waiting and trusting God. Waiting and trusting God takes discipline which is also a significant part of courtship. Discipline is the ability to forego what we want now for later with a specific purpose in mind. That purpose in courting would be getting to know the individual that we believe God has placed us together with for the end result of marriage. Not to say that every courtship will end in marriage as I’ve heard of some courtships that did not lead to marriage, but were pursued with the intent to lead to marriage.

Dating leans more toward getting something to happen right away which often comes with all of the pressures of the world such as having to have someone by a certain age, fitting in, not wanting to appear alone or unable to get someone. If we allow pleasing God to be at the foundation of everything that we do, we will be able to avoid a lot of the mess experienced through dating, and cruise right on to the courtship with the spouse God has for us as we wait patiently for it.

All the while, allowing ourselves to be developed into God’s best to be ready for God’s best when it presents itself. Good partners don’t grow on trees. They are developed through circumstances of life that produce patience, character, and discipline. That is what it takes not to just date around, but to wait for someone worth courting.

As mentioned before, I have never experienced courting for myself; therefore, my knowledge of courting is highly limited. For more information on courting seek out godly mentors who have walked that path even if it’s only examples on social media. At least that can provide a paradigm for courting. Examples that I have noted online include Heather and Cornelius Lindsey. Cornelius has an excellent video on courting shared below. Also, an article link to a young Christian couple who were friends is below. They decided to court, and are now married. They also have a YouTube channel called, “Worth the Wait” There names are Brandon and Sherita Taylor. There may also be other examples of people from church. Don’t ever be afraid to ask questions of people who have walked the path that you are looking to take.

See supplemental video below:

Links for more on courting:

http://www.essence.com/2014/12/30/why-we-chose-christian-courtship

http://www.heatherllindsey.com/2012/05/making-your-relationship-work-101-gods.html#.Vgrkq5faTIU

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Dating Vs. Waiting Part V: The Lost Art of Friendship between the Sexes

It often seems like everything has become about sex or romance when dealing with the opposite sex. It has become so hard to find a simple friend—someone to listen to you, understand you, and share in the similar experiences of life with no hidden motive or agenda.

These types of experiences make for the best relationships as the common building blocks of friendship are the main ingredients necessary to have a romantic relationship that will last. Those building blocks include communication, trust, unconditional love, commonalities, respect, and commitment.

Satan has done a good job of making it the norm to only identify with someone of the opposite sex in a dating scenario or a romantic scenario. While a date or courtship at some point in time may have its place. This is a highly unhealthy way to view every new person who comes into our lives. I know it’s hard to deal sometimes because some of these rare dudes just be off the chain! Like, where did he come from? And for the fellas—I guess they could be really feeling a sister at times, and that romantic thing is hard to break out of.

However, if the ending is continuously confusion and separation between the sexes in the body of Christ or compromise and sin; then we have to try something different.

Treat younger menas brothers,older women as mothers, and younger women as sisters, with absolute purity. 1 Timothy 5:1-2

Imagine what it would be like if women did not just have each other, but they also had men of God walking along side them holding up the banner of the gospel of Jesus Christ in word and deed loving one another in purity and in truth. Imagine the body of Christ on one accord as singles, both men and women. Imagine what our marriages will look like after being on one accord in Christ as singles. It would look like strength. It would look like unity. It would look beautiful.

We underestimate the power of unity and walking together. The Bible says that it is a pleasant thing for God’s people to dwell together in unity[i]. It is painful to my heart to see how the body of Christ has become so separate when it comes to single men and women. I can remember seasons of my life where I was separated from godly examples of the opposite sex and how hard that was on my faith in God in being assured that I was not alone as a woman walking with Christ.

So many women and men of God feel isolated. Although, in some cases separation is necessary, such as: If I notice an immature guy trying to get close to me; I will keep him at a reasonable distance because I don’t want to walk in my flesh. I will hang out with him in a group setting though where he cannot focus all of his immaturity in my direction. However, the point is simple. Friendship between the sexes in many cases has become a lost art.

Below I have prepared some pointers to help to get this art back in a manner that will bring us closer to God instead of push us further away from him:

  • Pray about everything: If you feel like you are lacking a godly friendship with the opposite sex, then pray about it asking God to bring someone into your life to be a friend to you. It may take a while, but don’t get discouraged. God will eventually send someone.
  • Realize that most likely whoever God sends into your life as a friend will not be attractive to you initially. Normally, the friends that God sends are viewed as sisters and brothers in Christ only.
  • If feelings do eventually arise and the other person does not feel the same; respect that. Also, be honest and let the person know that you aren’t interested if you aren’t interested in anything further. It’s okay.
  • Try not to focus on a relationship. Just enjoy the company of a believer of the opposite sex in non compromising environments such as groups or a phone conversation here and there not every day and all the time.
  • Have boundaries in place to avoid an inappropriate emotional connection. The more guys and girls talk; the more emotions get stirred. That is why boundaries of space and time are necessary.
  • Boundaries of space and time also help both parties to seek the Lord and hear from him clearly in cases where the friendship does turn into a romantic relationship. Normally, God will give parties peace to proceed or he may simply tell the parties that they are for each other. Acknowledge God in all of your ways and let him direct your path (Proverbs 3:5).
  • Realize that even though we may attempt to befriend a person; that person may not be in a position where they can handle being friends with someone of the opposite sex. Some believers have spent most of their single life sowing to the flesh and thus haven’t yet learned to train their flesh to desire purity. Therefore, their friendship could become a stumbling block and thus that person may withdraw altogether until he works out his purity issue. That’s actually cool and honorable for him to do so.
  • Be honest with yourself whether you can handle a friendship with someone of the opposite sex. If something is becoming a distraction for you, and you start to become fleshly and no longer can maintain a single mind for pleasing the Lord; you may need to cut that friendship off. It may not be a friendship that is ordained by God. God is not the author of confusion.
  • Certain intimate things should not be shared with opposite sex friends: Let the Holy Spirit lead you and use common sense.
  • There is some communication that is only appropriate for a spouse or an accountability partner of the same sex. We don’t call our opposite sex friends to get prayer for lust.
  • I’ve found that a lot of my guy friendships are seasonal: God has bought men into my life for specific seasons to show me that I was not alone in walking with God and then when that season was up, the men and I weren’t as close. I’ve become cool with trusting God in the way that he has me to deal with men. It’s okay not to have a whole lot of guy friends all the time. Right now, I have two. One in Ohio, and another who is local. God has recently answered my prayers in saving some of the men in my family so I can feel a bit more covered now in that sense.
  • I often find myself praying about the men who come into my life. I will ask the Lord why is he here? What do you think of him? How am I to respond to him? Am I supposed to just pray for this person, be a friend, or exit left? God will normally make the men who come into my life expose themselves showing their intentions whether good or bad, warn me, or give me peace about a particular friendship.

That’s my wisdom for healthy friendships between the opposite sex. Hopefully, this has been helpful to you. Feel free to comment, share, and like the post. Also, I am available by email if you click the mail icon in the upper right corner for those who’d like to talk more. Don’t forget to follow me on social media for more great posts!

[i]How good and pleasant it is
    when God’s people live together in unity! Psalms 133:1 (NIV)

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Dating Vs. Waiting Part IV: Is the Wait Harder for Men or Women?

A bold woman got up during the question and answer session asking the question of what can women do in the waiting process? She continued saying that it seemed that women were expected to just wait while a man could just go find him somebody. She shared how frustrating it could be at times for a woman to just wait, while in short men when tired of waiting could end their waiting just like that. The room was in complete expectation of what the panelists would share on this topic, while the woman caught her breath from her passionate expounding of her question.

The panel was moderated by BJ Thompson of Build A Better Us which is an organization dedicated to discipling marriages in small groups toward maturity and the image of Christ that marriage is to reflect. Find out more about BJ Thompson co-founder of Build a better Us at the website link: http://buildabetterus.com/team/

Others on the panel were Chad Jones, a gospel rap artist, and Pastor Rich Perez who has seen a significant increase in godly marriage in the church he pastors in New York.

Pastor Rich Perez starts out talking about the woman’s freedom to pursue godly friendships with men that can possibly lead into a more committed relationship if it turns out that way.

Chad goes on discussing the ratio of men to women as well as where are the men? He talks about how women in a sense have less power in the situation of waiting on a man. BJ began discussing a healthy culture of family where single men and women learn to be healthy brothers and sisters in Christ, and when we don’t have that as singles we tend to find it in unhealthy places. 

Of course, some of the girls I set with in this workshop wished that at least one of the wives of the all male panel would hop up on the panel and speak, but the men did good. The below video shows what they had to say. Leave your vote below on the survey whether you feel it is hard for men or women during the wait. Let’s just say, I am of the belief that both men and women go through similar situations as singles and need to have grace and love for one another. That always makes the wait a lot easier.

Watch the discussion below and take the polls:

Do you think it’s harder for women or men to wait on the Lord?
I think it’s harder for men.
I think it’s harder for women.
I think it is about the same.
Poll Maker
Do you have healthy friendships with the opposite sex?
Yes
No
Poll Maker
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Dating Vs. Waiting Part III: Should Men Wait on the Lord too?

I am of the belief that both men and women should wait on the Lord. When I say wait on the Lord, I am not referring to the sky cracking with earthquakes as God says pursue her my son lol. When I speak of waiting on the Lord, I mean developing a personal walk with the Lord as a single where we become sensitive to the voice of the Lord and the leading of the Lord. That coupled with learning who we are what we need and possibly want, and taking a position of readiness and maturity for a godly spouse.

A man will have a little more responsibility in this area because a man is responsible for the pursuing. If a man pursues after the flesh, he will probably get a fleshly result. Whereas, if a brother pursues as led by the Spirit of God, he will get a more peaceable result. There can be more pressure on men to just pursue without taking the carefulness of seeking the Lord because he is a man.

Other men may place pressure on him in ignorance as well as thirsty women. A man may also think that pursuing someone quickly without including the Lord will be an answer to his private hormone issues. I have seen men pursue and marry women immediately without God’s guidance and the next month, they were in divorce court or separated only to divorce shortly there after.

Unfortunately, the church has given men too much power in telling them to just choose or find a wife based on Proverbs 18:22 without preparing men to be responsible and mature enough to know when he is ready to find a wife and seeking God through out the whole process. This has resulted in a lot of confusion and frustration among singles in the body of Christ especially single women. Just as a woman is to mature and grow into a quality woman who is willing to take on the responsibilities of being a wife; so must a man if not more because he is the head or the one who will be held responsible for what goes on in his household.

If a brother wants peace in his home, picking a girl who goes to church and has a big butt is not going to be enough. Like women are taught, men also have to be taught to apply discernment, patience, and the leading of the Lord. Just because a man may be approaching thirty doesn’t mean he is ready. Men should apply as much if not more wisdom, knowledge, and preparation as they too wait on the Lord.

This wisdom does not come from assumption, but from my observation over the years of the many men inside and outside of my life. Please, read the story at the link of a young man who as he grew in the Lord; he then became ready for a relationship and also see the supplemental video below:

http://jscottsamarco.com/2015/10/23/give-her-a-ring-or-move-on/

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Dating Vs. Waiting Part II: What About This Idea of A Soul Mate?

We know that at some point dating will be necessary in the season of dating to gather necessary data on whether one is suitable for a spouse or not, but if this season has not arrived for us, it’s best to wait in faith not anxiously trying to put ourselves out there to date every Tom, Tim, and Harry in hopes of one of these gentleman being the one. Dating around will not bring us our boo any faster if it is not time for him to come.

Dating versus waiting is easier to grasp onto because of the tangible quality of a date. We can see, touch, and feel a person on a date. Whereas, with waiting there must be faith. With that faith, there is nothing tangible to assure us in our season of waiting of what awaits on the other side. We cannot see, feel, or touch the promise in waiting, but through resting in faith we know that it is there somewhere.

The problem with being led by what we can see, touch, and feel with our emotions is that those things can easily become a mirage deceiving us into thinking we have what God promised instead of something we built up and worked for on our own.

This brings us to the question of whether there is a soul mate. Many people bring this question up to disprove being led by the Spirit in waiting for who God has for us. They say there are a billion men; we just need to pick one because there is not just one person that God has for you.

The whole idea of the soul mate should really be summed up in two questions:

What do you want? Do you want God’s permissive will for your life, or do you want God’s perfect will for your life? Perfect meaning complete and lacking nothing.

God makes a difference between the two. The book of Romans talks about how there were two sons from Abraham. Abraham was promised by God to have a son in his old age. One son named Isaac, who represented the son of promise—God’s perfect will, and what God was responsible for producing. The other son Ishmael represented the son of the flesh or the work and will of man. Both sons received a blessing and provision from God one by permission, and the other by promise.

Therefore, when considering the question of a soul-mate, if God has promised you someone then there is only that one someone set aside for you by God. However, we have a choice in the matter. We can choose God’s permissive will and produce for ourselves an Ishmael or we can wait patiently for our Isaac to manifest.

An unfounded argument that is made concerning the idea of a soul mate is what if a spouse dies, and a person re-marries? How can there be a soul mate if that scenario plays out? The answer is clear if God desires for a person to be remarried after certain circumstances, then he will make provision for that. Let’s not forget who God is. God is the I Am God meaning whatever we need; God makes provision for, but we have a choice to choose what we really want.

The story of Isaac and Ishmael is not the only story that shows the dueling will’s of man and God. There is another example in 1 Samuel 8 where the children of Israel ask for a king. God is not in agreement with this. The scripture says that God saw this request as him being rejected by Israel. God instructed his servant Samuel to let the children of Israel know that they’d be taken as servants by the king, and their fields would be taken and given to the king’s servants among other things. The children of Israel’s response was they still wanted a king in order to be like all of the other nations around them.

In other words, God was letting the children of Israel know that if he gave them what they wanted, they would go through some additional things. The children of Israel agreed to it because they wanted to be like everyone else around them. How many of us have been called apart by God not to date and do relationships like everyone else, but we do it any way just to fit in as normal. In this, we settle for all of the disappointment that comes with our decision to do things in our own way instead of to obey God.

Despite God’s warning through his prophet Samuel, the children of Israel chose God’s permissive will over God’s perfect will meaning God’s pre-ordained plans for us. God in essence let them know that they’d go through more by choosing his permissive will and when they called on him for deliverance, he would not hear them because that was the choice that they had made.

God allows us to have a choice, and if that choice does not line up with God’s will; God does not have to take responsibility for making that choice work. We can choose to believe there is no one that God has specifically in mind for us and just date frivolously like the world trying marriage out with just anybody, but like God warned the children of Israel, this choice will yield results that will be harder to deal with.

In short, the person who chooses God’s permissive will above God’s perfect will, will end up going through more all for the sake of being like everyone else around them. Not only is this Biblical knowledge, but I have seen this first hand. I’ve seen a woman in particular suffer for over 30 years because of the choice to become unequally yoked with someone. The Lord has been merciful to the woman and given her much strength to overcome the hard years that she signed up for.

The church does not want to be peculiar anymore. We want to fit in at the expense of our own peace and fulfillment in God’s will, and God says okay remaining patient with us until we grow to the maturity of desiring God’s perfect will above his permissive will.

Therefore, the answer to the soul mate question really is a question of what type of a person are we characterized by? Are we the type of people who at our very core of a person, we desire to seek God’s will and what he wants for us, or what God may allow for us in our frustration and distrust during the process of waiting? The process of waiting is what will produce God’s perfect will for us. When that right person comes around; we eventually will know because we are already familiar with how God deals with us.

A person has to know himself and have his own identity rooted in Christ before he enters the season of courtship. I am of the characterization where at my core, I have a longing and desire to seek God’s will for me knowing his will is the very best. Therefore, my behavior as I wait for God’s promise has to be that of trust and humility following God’s leading instead of taking the promise into my own hands. I’d never have peace taking the promise of my spouse into my own hands with the character that I have come to develop over the years. I leave myself with no choice, but to trust in God.

This is why waiting is so necessary because in the wait we learn so much. We learn who we are, we learn how to walk with and follow God—that is what waiting is it is following God. It is learning how to be sensitive to his Spirit as he prepares us and walks us right into his best. It will be hard and challenging at times, but he has promised never to leave us. So, he’s always there for comfort or wisdom for whatever it is that we need.

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Dating Vs. Waiting Part I: Dishonesty in Dating

Have you ever dated a guy while deep inside knowing he wasn’t the one for you. I think back to when I was in my twenties. I remember dating a guy who I labeled as my friend at the time. We were on our way back from downtown on the train from watching The Matrix Reloaded. As we rode the train, my date held me in his arms. It was a really nice experience, but I remember thinking this cannot go on because deep inside I knew he wasn’t who God had for me yet the feeling that I got from being close to him only pulled me closer. I was young and gaining my experience to later learn the lesson of dating in dishonesty.

While I labeled our relationship as just friends, it was clear that the gentleman wanted more and the more that he wanted, I was not willing to give him because for one, we were unequally yoked. I had a relationship with God and he did not. We were together often because we were co-workers and therefore our bond grew stronger. I enjoyed his attention, but all along inside I knew I would have to give it up. Not only did I know, but God begin to warn me. I had two dreams from God warning me about the young man. Plus, a friend and mentor God had placed into my life warned me too.

After, still flirting with what God did not want for me, finally God did what good fathers do who cover their children. He removed him out of my life. All of a sudden, the guy’s family ended up moving to somewhere I had never heard of and we lost touch. The situation was not in vain, but taught me just how interested God is in my success.

God will do what is necessary to get us to the relationship that he has for us. While I was dishonest and avoiding the signs, God was covering me. Thank you Jesus! How many of us hold on to a dating relationship just because we feel like dating is what we are supposed to do knowing deep down inside that the gentleman that we are dating isn’t the one for us? What if God was asking you to wait instead of date?

I remember talking to one of my buddies in college. She shared with me that she was prophesied to that she is not supposed to date like other people, but to wait. At the time we were having this conversation, I had not heard anyone talk like that before. I was still in my stage of wondering why certain women had to wait so long. I just kind of noted it in my mind as interesting and that was it.

Now that I am older, I can of course see the benefit of not just dating around, but instead enjoying life with friends and family as I walk with God knowing that he will reveal my husband just as he does with the men he doesn’t want me to waste my time with. Lesson learned don’t be dishonest. Don’t ignore what God is speaking to you inside. Don’t date someone selfishly for your own personal needs knowing God will not allow you to give more.

It was okay for me back then to learn that lesson, but as an adult who is 32 years old, I should not have to re-learn that lesson as if it has never been taught. So, I very rarely date. That doesn’t mean that men are completely non-existent from my life. I have a couple of guy friends that I can talk to here and there as simply brothers in the Lord. I will continue in this vein until God leads me to something different  because I choose to no longer date dishonestly. Instead, I’ll just wait.

In this series of dating versus waiting we will look at the Dishonesty in dating, This idea of a soulmate, should men wait too, is it easier for men than women to wait, wisdom for opposite sex friendships,  maintaining holiness in the season of courtship, dating versus courting, and the result of waiting. Stay tuned to this blog series for great insight, fun conversation, and of course God’s word.

Watch the supplemental intro video to, “Dating Vs. Waiting”, the series below:

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What is the hardest part of being single, and also the greatest part?

For me it has been my desire for intimacy, and yet the greatest part has been getting to know God in a more intimate manner. Intimacy is a closeness with someone exclusively. Those involved in an intimate relationship show each other parts of themselves that not everyone else gets to see.

So, last night I had an episode where I was feeling my need to be intimate with someone. I am 110% woman which means I don’t just want to be told I am loved. I want to be shown that. I want to be held, touched and so forth. So, I woke up in the middle of the night feeling alone. I needed to be held, but of course as a single there isn’t anyone there.

I got up went to the rest room and got back in the bed all wrapped up good in my blanket, and God placed a song in my heart. I begun to hum it to him as a prayer and the words went: I will rest in your love oh Lord, You are enough for me. I will rest in your love oh Lord. You are enough for me. I stopped humming and started singing the words. I am never alone, never alone. Lord, You are enough for me.

My desires had been quieted and fulfilled at the same time. I needed to feel like I wasn’t alone even though I already know that by faith. As a woman, it’s in my DNA to want to feel at times and to have a connection. I felt the warmth of God’s love and went right back to sleep. For the past few days I’ve been meditating on a scripture regarding God’s love to remind myself of how God loves me. I also asked God with expectation for a tangible reminder of his love and he gave me a song in the night.

In the morning, I Googled for scriptures on songs in the night and found the three below:
But no one says, “Where is my God my Maker, who gives songs in the night. Job 35:10, (NIV)

But each day the Lord pours his unfailing love upon me, and through each night, I sing his songs, praying to God who gives me life. Psalms 42:8, (NLT)

Thou art my hiding place; thou shalt preserve me from trouble; thou shalt compass me about with songs of deliverance. Selah. Psalms 32:7 (KJV)


God is truly enough for us in every season of life. He is enough for the singles as well as the married. A lot of people don’t experience God in an intimate way because they don’t turn to him, but instead turn to things and vices. See more on vices at the link (click for vices blog posts). God wants us to turn to him so that he can show us sides of him that maybe every one else isn’t willing to turn to him to see. God is enough.

If you are struggling with a portion of your singleness or any area of life. Consider reaching out to God concerning it whatever it may be. I guarantee God will give you the grace and strength to endure until your season is to change.

I am very excited about the season that I am in, because I am constantly being reminded that God is enough. All I have to do is look to him. Before God delivers us from one season to the next, I believe that God wants us to know and to be sure that he is enough for us. Similar to how the Lord gave the children of Israel all types of precious gold, and jewelry when he delivered them out of the land of Egypt. It was almost as if, God wanted the children of Israel to have a reminder that he did this. He was their deliver and not anything else.

However, just as soon as the children of Israel had been delivered from bondage and slavery. They went into the wilderness and made an idol by way of a golden calf. If we are not careful as believers, we will allow God to deliver us where we get a little relief and run right back to an idol instead of God when things seem just a little hard.

The children of Israel thought it hard that Moses had been up on the mountain for so long getting instruction from God. They felt as though they had no leader, so they made an idol. However, in actuality, the children of Israel should have been up on that mountain with Moses or at least worshiping the Lord in spirit and in truth to the point where God had to come down and see what the praise and worship was about himself.

We cannot depend on someone else to lead us to God, or to solve our inner problems as believers. We have to have enough faith and trust in God to be willing to go to him for ourselves allowing him to show us that he is enough.

What is the hardest part for you as a single? Please, pray to God for his wisdom and strategic instruction on how to deal with that hard thing turning it into a great thing that brings you closer to him.

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What is love Really?

Love is continuing to love through imperfections. Love is Christ.

Recently, the Lord has been dealing with me in prayer regarding some family members that can be challenging to love. I love how God uses natural things to speak of himself. To point us back to him and to mirror our relationship with him.

For his invisible attributes, namely, his eternal power and divine nature, have been clearly perceived, ever since the creation of the world, in the things that have been made. So they are without excuse. Romans 1:20 (ESV)

I recently had a situation where a family member that I am getting to know has been pretty mean to me on more than one occasion. The last thing that this family member did was the last straw. I was so upset at her to the point where I could not respond to her for two days because I knew I would not have anything to say. I was so floored at her behavior.

My brother called me and I shared how upset I was that I did not know what to do. I wanted to get back at her and I wanted to cut her off, and as I got off the phone with my brother the thought came to my mind, “Do you love her?” I said to myself I did not know if I loved her. Well, I guess according to the Biblical definition of love that would be something that I would need to work on. I made it my resolve to pray about my family member and see what God thought before I responded.

As I prayed for my relative, I was reminded that love is not love or only necessary when it is easy to love people, but it is most necessary and heartfelt when it is difficult to love people. God placed it on my heart that he wanted me to be an example of his love to her, and at the same time use her to mirror his love to me in that despite my imperfections I am still worthy of love.

Love is consistency through the imperfections. We become perfected in love. Real love is Christ. Christ showed his love to us in that while we were yet in our sins, Christ died for the ungodly. Because God made a choice to love us while we were unfit for love; we now walk as whole and complete individuals in Christ.

It is a similar situation with my relative and I. Though, she has been mean and imperfect, I can through God’s grace that he has shown toward me remember how I need God’s love to cover my imperfections and thus cover my relative’s imperfections through walking in love.

It is something how God uses our natural relationships to mirror our relationship with him. How he has placed me into a relationship with my relative that I cannot escape and although difficult both her and I become better for it. She gives me a certain look as if she is afraid of rejection when she knows she has done something wrong, but instead of being difficult, I can choose to in love give her grace. Just like when we do something wrong and shy from God’s presence, God deals with us still according to love.

God’s word goes on to say that nothing can separate us from the love of Christ and it names off some things: Neither death nor life, neither angels nor demons, neither the present nor the future, nor any powers, neither height nor depth, nor anything else in all Creation, will be able to separate us from the love of God that is in Christ Jesus our Lord. Romans 8:37-38

God is trying to prove a point here. He is trying to communicate the depth of his love, and even so we still have not totally gotten it. God in his consistent care of us provides examples that are tangible to remind us of the simple fact that he loves us. His love is so deep that it takes a special revelation just to get how deep his love is for us. It isn’t based on our works, worthiness, or perfection.

Recently, God had exposed some things to me that were in my heart that weren’t right, and I was sort of upset with myself thinking Russelyn, how could you have this in your heart, you are supposed to be better, but God’s comfort to me was in the fact that he still loved me in spite of myself and the things that he had shown me that he’s been working on in me. We become perfected through God’s love. God’s perfect love casts out all fear. We no longer come to God in fear of failing him or being rejected by him because we know that he is on our side to love us all the way to the expected end that he has for us. Just like with my relative.

What are some of the examples that God has given you in your personal life of his great love toward you? Are you embracing those things or people? Pray to God to continue to reveal his love toward you and in you and he will?

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