Waiting looks like keeping an open communication with God regarding all things:
It requires a respect that comes from the humility toward God realizing that we cannot handle everything on our own and that is why we seek God. In his pride the wicked man does not seek him; in all his thoughts there is no room for God. Psalms 10:4 (NIV)

The person who doesn’t seek God because of their pride is consistently brought low. As much as a person is prideful, that is the same extent to which that person will be brought low.

Waiting looks like obedience:
Obedience is simply submission. Submitting to the will of God, wisdom of God, and instruction of God which is one of the most important parts of waiting. Without obedience all of the open communication between God and the individual waiting just becomes a religious function instead of a respectful, trustworthy and committed relationship between God and the person who is waiting. God wants our obedience rather than our religious sacrifice. He wants to know that we trust him enough to follow what he is showing us even when it gets hard or we do not understand.

Waiting looks like learning:
Nobody is born doing everything right. We actually have to learn to do things in a manner that is pleasing to God and beneficial for ourselves. That means there will be some bumps, bruises, and mistakes along the way of waiting, but know that we are God’s beloved through it all. God’s love does not change toward us. He still loves us just as much as when he first decided to give up his son. God loving us is a permanent decision and because of that, we can learn with grace.

Waiting is being open to appropriate and godly fellowship of both the same sex and the opposite sex:
The Bible says that a brother was born for the day of adversity. That means that there is going to be some ease, some mending, some safety, and some solace in the fellowship of brethren especially godly brothers and sisters in Christ. Brothers and sisters in Christ not only have a natural bond, but a spiritual bond in Jesus Christ whereby if the bro or sis is true, there are certain standards of expectation that they can be held to.

Unfortunately, there has been a sort of rift in the body of Christ where several single brothers and sisters have become isolated from one another. Maybe, this has been in an effort to keep purity, but a lot of singles suffer from this especially women. Because a lot of women do not have examples of godly mature men their age, they falter in their faith toward God and begin to compromise. They feel they have no choice. In seasons, where godly men appear to be scarce we have to walk by faith as we ask God to bring godly examples into our lives.

In godly fellowship with men and women we sharpen our gifts and glean from one another. The fellowship found in that makes the wait easier.

Waiting is honesty and not playing with brothers and sisters in Christ’s emotions.
It is not taking advantage of every opportunity to be around someone of the opposite sex to try to get booed up. It requires a level of responsibility and integrity. It is walking, and growing together and whatever naturally develops from that will develop whether friendships, marriages, correction, or growth.

Waiting looks like growing, maturing, and developing:
After a few bumps, bruises, and taking of the joys and pains involved with waiting, we should start to notice a difference. We should notice that we have begun to change. We are no longer willing to compromise with suitors unworthy of us. We began to value our time a little bit more. We slowly believe that trust in God is the only thing that we have. Our faith begins to grow as we are being made in the wait.

Waiting is carrying your cross:
Our cross is our purpose that God shapes us for. Our cross is the purpose that God ordained for us before the foundation of the world. Everyone’s cross does not look the same, but everyone gets a cross in life to bear. The good thing about bearing our cross however is that there is honor on the other side. Jesus, our #1 example bore his cross and was exalted far above all powers and principalities just from the obedience of bearing his cross. If your cross lasts for 10 years, 15 years, 20, 30, or 40 years, it doesn’t matter. Just as long as you bear the cross assigned to you, believe me there is grace assigned to you right along with that cross from God himself. Learn to find the joy of intimacy with Christ in bearing your cross.

Waiting looks like rejection, loneliness, and being crazy because so few people decide to wait:
Obedience to God in waiting is often misjudged. People who wait in obedience to God are looked at as being extreme or having something wrong with them, but if all of the above are practiced then that is not the case at all. Often, people who are obedient in waiting have to be the bigger person when they are put down, misjudged, and misunderstood. In waiting, we need to remember that God also sees the shame that we suffer because others may not understand, and when we are rewarded for bearing that shame, we will forget all about it. Like Jesus again, our # 1 example, who despised the shame that he had to endure for the reward of bearing his cross.

Hebrews 12:2 – fixing our eyes on Jesus, the pioneer and perfecter of faith. For the joy set before him he endured the cross, scorning its shame, and sat down at the right hand of the throne of God.

Waiting is becoming aware of you:
As we develop spiritually, and emotionally no longer depending on others to feel valued, but looking to Christ; We become more confident and assured of ourselves, which causes us to walk out our gifts and passions. Those who wait wisely are not your average Janes/Joes, but they are being made into mature women unstoppable. Waiting is not something bad, but waiting is a gift by God himself. Waiting doesn’t mean being inactive. It just means being active with the things that concern God’s heart above our own. Waiting looks like someone who has been well prepared for God’s best.

  Waiting is being hopeful of the future that God has for us.

Please watch an interview of what Gabrielle and Breck’s wait looked like and also read a blog on Gabrielle’s wait at the link below:
  http://www.blogmagazine.org/2012/05/saving-the-best-her-first-and-last/
Gabby & Breck’s personal website where they share their love story: http://breckandgabrielle.us/

From previous posts you can see that I am not for aimlessly dating around. At this point in my life, I feel that it is clearer than ever that those who God has placed a desire to one day be married will have a season of courtship where the couple bought together by God will court one another for the specific purpose of getting to know one another for marriage.

At that point the couple would probably be somewhat excited that the person he or she is with is in line with God’s will for their lives, in addition to the fact that shortly after courtship and marriage it will be going down. With all of the excitement of the season, how do you keep the reigns of purity on the relationship while waiting for the appropriate moment to let it all go down. 1 Corinthians 10:13 – No temptation has overtaken you except what is common to mankind. And God is faithful; he will not let you be tempted beyond what you can bear. But when you are tempted, he will also provide a way out so that you can endure it.

The couple will need to set boundaries specific to the needs of the couple where both parties agree: The needs of one couple to remain pure may differ from the needs of another couple to remain pure in courtship. For example, I’ve known couples who have waited until marriage to kiss while other couples kissed prior to marriage and still got to the alter without having sex.

For myself I have had reoccurring problems with my sex-drive being in over drive as a single which is very frustrating because nothing can be done about it as a single. That’s why I prefer to go the route of not kissing until marriage.  My choice not to kiss until marriage will allow my hormones to be somewhat more stable.

Also, because of my lack of physical experience in the area of sex, kissing, and a man’s touch, I still have a curiosity about those things. By waiting to experience those things after marriage, I will be free to explore my curiosities without worrying about going overboard.

Maintaining purity in the courting relationship has a lot to do with knowing yourself, and being honest with yourself regarding the things that can be handled with discipline and the things that need to be postponed.

Other boundaries specific to a couple’s needs include not chilling in each others apartments alone, spending time with family together and other couples, hanging out in public, not talking on the phone too late at night, being mindful of the types of movies watched together. All of these things protect the purity in a relationship.

Finally covering one another’s weaknesses helps with the with purity in courting as well. I have a friend who is soon to be engaged and she shared that when her boyfriend brings up a physical fantasy that he has she does not respond to it by continuing that conversation or going into any further detail she just changes the subject.

Despite the couple being a mature and godly couple, they still had that weak moment that my friend shared with me. Even the mature and godly get weak sometimes, and that is when someone has to step up and make a mature decision to continue to seek to honor God. Therefore, when one party gets weak the other has to be strong and cover the weakness in that moment.

For more on setting boundaries to please God read a previous post about boundaries at the link: Setting Boundaries in Dating to Honor God and Maintain Purity

As previously stated in the first blog of this series, it is extremely rare that I date. I have been on what I would consider one real date within the last four years, and that was an associate who took me out for my birthday and nothing more. Dating is not always necessary to figure out if someone is worth courting. Figuring out if someone is worth courting is just as simple as having a conversation with someone. Below are some practical tips of what to do when a guy is interested in you.

Talk to him:
Have a natural conversation with the brother. Pay close attention to what comes out of his mouth because what comes out of his mouth will most likely show what’s in his heart. His intentions will normally eventually show up in conversation. Because you have not taken the relationship to such a serious level as you are only talking to a brother; it will be easier and less painful to break it off if you notice something that is a strait no go for you. We ain’t gotta boo up with someone just because they are interested in us. Take it easy sis! We are not desperate, but smart women who practice discernment and who follow the leading of the Lord. This will also make you more attractive to the right man. Trust me, men don’t know how to let you go when they see that you are a challenge and aren’t easy to get.

Luke 6:45 – A good man brings good things out of the good stored up in his heart, and an evil man brings evil things out of the evil stored up in his heart. For the mouth speaks what the heart is full of.

Proverbs 14:7 – Go from the presence of a foolish man, when thou perceives not in him the lips of knowledge.

Pray regarding him:
This is probably the most important one. God has always exposed men’s intentions to me after prayer and acknowledging God about how he feels about the gentleman. Men can talk a good game, and get pass women’s discernment, but they cannot get pass God. God has made men expose their intentions to me, so that I would not proceed further to heartbreak and time wasted. And for that I am very thankful.

Proverbs 3:5-6 – Trust in the Lord with all of your heart, and lean not on your own understanding. In all of your ways acknowledge him and he will make your paths strait. In other words, God will show you the way to go.

Have boundaries in place:
This is something that I learned from others that God placed in my life for accountability and to sharpen me. I had been away from talking to guys for so long, that I had forgotten that boundaries needed to be set. Boundaries are parameters that we set up for ourselves that prevent us from going over a certain point. Really, only you and God can set the boundary that is appropriate to you. One person’s boundary may not be effective with another person’s because we all have unique temptations that draw our attention in certain areas. For example: I have boundaries of not allowing men to know where I live if I barely know them, not to allow a male into my house if it’s just him and I alone, not to have sexual conversation with a male not my husband in a talking or dating setting. Some people have not kissing as a boundary, and others have not going on late dates. More on boundaries will be discussed in next week’s blog post.

1 Corinthians 10:12 – So, if you think you are standing firm, be careful that you don’t fall!

Know what you want and what you don’t want:
Some things God doesn’t have to show us. Some things are just a no go altogether. We know we don’t want to be unequally yoked together with an unbeliever. There may be other things that are just as important to you such as for myself, I don’t want to be with an immature man as I am mature. Neither do I want a man who’s way of life is that of manipulation and control. Those are no goes for me. You should have your own no goes and note them as you talk to the gentleman and are prayerful about him. What you want and don’t want ought to be such strong convictions for you that you adhere to them yourself. This is not about writing a frivolous list. The main thing that I want in a man is to have a man with a heart after God. That is also my heart as well.

Agreement:
There should be agreement on key values that are important to the both of you. Your purposes should be in agreement with one another as not to hold one or the other back if you were to get together.

Amos 3:3 – Can two people walk together without agreeing on the direction?

Follow God’s peace: Be honest about where God is leading you, and what God is showing you. If you constantly have a check in your spirit like something isn’t right, don’t ignore it. Follow God’s peace for your life.

Colossians 3:5 – And letthepeaceofGod rule in your hearts…

Don’t build off of an emotional connection or a physical attraction alone: Emotions can simply be deceitful. Just because we feel a certain way, doesn’t mean things are right. We have to have some sobriety in checking out a possible boo. Being led by our emotions is what leads us to skip over important red-flags and next thing you know we wake up one day in a mess asking ourselves how did we get here.

1 Peter 5:8 – Be sober, be vigilant; because your adversary the devil, as a roaring lion, walks about, seeking whom he may devour

Have Accountability:
Don’t just trust your own discernment, but allow yourself to check out the men who are interested in you among others. If you are in a place where you aren’t hearing from God or aren’t thinking clearly your accountability can help to make up that space. Your accountability partner needs to be someone who tells you the truth no matter what. I have an accountability partner who is as sharp as a tack. She gave me a very wise tip saying to write down the red-flags that I noted in men and decide whether it was something I could deal with or no. I have another friend who I’d share stuff with when talking to a guy and she was pretty much non-chalet saying things like just be thankful you have someone to talk to. I didn’t notice until now, the reason she would give such poor advice was due to low self-esteem and disbelief in God to send someone appropriate to her. Now, I pray for that sister, and am leery about taking advice from her. She needs to be healed. Be aware of these things as you choose accountability in your life.

Proverbs 15:22 – Without counsel purposes are disappointed: but in the multitude of counselors they are established.

All of the above steps should be taken in the talking stage. If after following all of the above steps, the connection turns into something that can grow and become a stable relationship that pleases God, then praise God! The next step would be to begin a courtship. If not, then at least, you were protected from a possible mess. 

Having a set of reasonable and practical guidelines in place like the above are of the utmost importance to meeting and entertaining the right gentleman. Patience also must be practiced in not allowing someone who is unqualified to just fill a slot to pass time. As God has called us to a higher standard, then we should raise the standard being thankful that God loves us enough to protect us and preserve us for his best.

I am no expert in the least concerning this topic as I have never been in a courting relationship with anyone. However, in my experience, dating isn’t necessarily serious initially. It is either to meet up and have fun, get to know someone, or just hang out for the sake of hanging out. Not to say that one is better than the other, but when seriously desiring marriage there comes a time when dating just for the sake of dating just isn’t enough. It often leads to confusion, rejection, and disappointment after a while.

Courting to my understanding is much more intentional. Courting to me carries a seriousness of both parties being sincerely interested in one another for marriage. Both parties normally have spent enough time together in non-compromising environments around family and friends to notice that there is some serious potential for those involved toward marriage.

In some cases, I have heard that there were men and women in similar environments such as church or whatever the case, and the Lord spoke to one or both parties that they were for one another and based on that they began to investigate through prayer and courting.

Courtship is normally practiced by the mature who have grown tired of the games that often come with dating. That isn’t to say that there can be no successful relationships developed from dating or that courtship is the only way to go.

Below are some ideals that I have found online that differ dating from courting:

Courtship implies a need to wait until there is someone who appears worthy of us in a serious manner. Thus, it leans more toward the paradigm of waiting and trusting God. Waiting and trusting God takes discipline which is also a significant part of courtship. Discipline is the ability to forego what we want now for later with a specific purpose in mind. That purpose in courting would be getting to know the individual that we believe God has placed us together with for the end result of marriage. Not to say that every courtship will end in marriage as I’ve heard of some courtships that did not lead to marriage, but were pursued with the intent to lead to marriage.

Dating leans more toward getting something to happen right away which often comes with all of the pressures of the world such as having to have someone by a certain age, fitting in, not wanting to appear alone or unable to get someone. If we allow pleasing God to be at the foundation of everything that we do, we will be able to avoid a lot of the mess experienced through dating, and cruise right on to the courtship with the spouse God has for us as we wait patiently for it.

All the while, allowing ourselves to be developed into God’s best to be ready for God’s best when it presents itself. Good partners don’t grow on trees. They are developed through circumstances of life that produce patience, character, and discipline. That is what it takes not to just date around, but to wait for someone worth courting.

As mentioned before, I have never experienced courting for myself; therefore, my knowledge of courting is highly limited. For more information on courting seek out godly mentors who have walked that path even if it’s only examples on social media. At least that can provide a paradigm for courting. Examples that I have noted online include Heather and Cornelius Lindsey. Cornelius has an excellent video on courting shared below. Also, an article link to a young Christian couple who were friends is below. They decided to court, and are now married. They also have a YouTube channel called, “Worth the Wait” There names are Brandon and Sherita Taylor. There may also be other examples of people from church. Don’t ever be afraid to ask questions of people who have walked the path that you are looking to take.

See supplemental video below:

Links for more on courting:

http://www.essence.com/2014/12/30/why-we-chose-christian-courtship

http://www.heatherllindsey.com/2012/05/making-your-relationship-work-101-gods.html#.Vgrkq5faTIU

It often seems like everything has become about sex or romance when dealing with the opposite sex. It has become so hard to find a simple friend—someone to listen to you, understand you, and share in the similar experiences of life with no hidden motive or agenda.

These types of experiences make for the best relationships as the common building blocks of friendship are the main ingredients necessary to have a romantic relationship that will last. Those building blocks include communication, trust, unconditional love, commonalities, respect, and commitment.

Satan has done a good job of making it the norm to only identify with someone of the opposite sex in a dating scenario or a romantic scenario. While a date or courtship at some point in time may have its place. This is a highly unhealthy way to view every new person who comes into our lives. I know it’s hard to deal sometimes because some of these rare dudes just be off the chain! Like, where did he come from? And for the fellas—I guess they could be really feeling a sister at times, and that romantic thing is hard to break out of.

However, if the ending is continuously confusion and separation between the sexes in the body of Christ or compromise and sin; then we have to try something different.

Treat younger menas brothers,older women as mothers, and younger women as sisters, with absolute purity. 1 Timothy 5:1-2

Imagine what it would be like if women did not just have each other, but they also had men of God walking along side them holding up the banner of the gospel of Jesus Christ in word and deed loving one another in purity and in truth. Imagine the body of Christ on one accord as singles, both men and women. Imagine what our marriages will look like after being on one accord in Christ as singles. It would look like strength. It would look like unity. It would look beautiful.

We underestimate the power of unity and walking together. The Bible says that it is a pleasant thing for God’s people to dwell together in unity[i]. It is painful to my heart to see how the body of Christ has become so separate when it comes to single men and women. I can remember seasons of my life where I was separated from godly examples of the opposite sex and how hard that was on my faith in God in being assured that I was not alone as a woman walking with Christ.

So many women and men of God feel isolated. Although, in some cases separation is necessary, such as: If I notice an immature guy trying to get close to me; I will keep him at a reasonable distance because I don’t want to walk in my flesh. I will hang out with him in a group setting though where he cannot focus all of his immaturity in my direction. However, the point is simple. Friendship between the sexes in many cases has become a lost art.

Below I have prepared some pointers to help to get this art back in a manner that will bring us closer to God instead of push us further away from him:

• Pray about everything: If you feel like you are lacking a godly friendship with the opposite sex, then pray about it asking God to bring someone into your life to be a friend to you. It may take a while, but don’t get discouraged. God will eventually send someone.
• Realize that most likely whoever God sends into your life as a friend will not be attractive to you initially. Normally, the friends that God sends are viewed as sisters and brothers in Christ only.
• If feelings do eventually arise and the other person does not feel the same; respect that. Also, be honest and let the person know that you aren’t interested if you aren’t interested in anything further. It’s okay.
• Try not to focus on a relationship. Just enjoy the company of a believer of the opposite sex in non compromising environments such as groups or a phone conversation here and there not every day and all the time.
• Have boundaries in place to avoid an inappropriate emotional connection. The more guys and girls talk; the more emotions get stirred. That is why boundaries of space and time are necessary.
• Boundaries of space and time also help both parties to seek the Lord and hear from him clearly in cases where the friendship does turn into a romantic relationship. Normally, God will give parties peace to proceed or he may simply tell the parties that they are for each other. Acknowledge God in all of your ways and let him direct your path (Proverbs 3:5).
• Realize that even though we may attempt to befriend a person; that person may not be in a position where they can handle being friends with someone of the opposite sex. Some believers have spent most of their single life sowing to the flesh and thus haven’t yet learned to train their flesh to desire purity. Therefore, their friendship could become a stumbling block and thus that person may withdraw altogether until he works out his purity issue. That’s actually cool and honorable for him to do so.
• Be honest with yourself whether you can handle a friendship with someone of the opposite sex. If something is becoming a distraction for you, and you start to become fleshly and no longer can maintain a single mind for pleasing the Lord; you may need to cut that friendship off. It may not be a friendship that is ordained by God. God is not the author of confusion.
• Certain intimate things should not be shared with opposite sex friends: Let the Holy Spirit lead you and use common sense.
• There is some communication that is only appropriate for a spouse or an accountability partner of the same sex. We don’t call our opposite sex friends to get prayer for lust.
• I’ve found that a lot of my guy friendships are seasonal: God has bought men into my life for specific seasons to show me that I was not alone in walking with God and then when that season was up, the men and I weren’t as close. I’ve become cool with trusting God in the way that he has me to deal with men. It’s okay not to have a whole lot of guy friends all the time. Right now, I have two. One in Ohio, and another who is local. God has recently answered my prayers in saving some of the men in my family so I can feel a bit more covered now in that sense.
• I often find myself praying about the men who come into my life. I will ask the Lord why is he here? What do you think of him? How am I to respond to him? Am I supposed to just pray for this person, be a friend, or exit left? God will normally make the men who come into my life expose themselves showing their intentions whether good or bad, warn me, or give me peace about a particular friendship.

That’s my wisdom for healthy friendships between the opposite sex. Hopefully, this has been helpful to you. Feel free to comment, share, and like the post. Also, I am available by email if you click the mail icon in the upper right corner for those who’d like to talk more. Don’t forget to follow me on social media for more great posts!

[i]How good and pleasant it is
    when God’s people live together in unity! Psalms 133:1 (NIV)

A bold woman got up during the question and answer session asking the question of what can women do in the waiting process? She continued saying that it seemed that women were expected to just wait while a man could just go find him somebody. She shared how frustrating it could be at times for a woman to just wait, while in short men when tired of waiting could end their waiting just like that. The room was in complete expectation of what the panelists would share on this topic, while the woman caught her breath from her passionate expounding of her question.

The panel was moderated by BJ Thompson of Build A Better Us which is an organization dedicated to discipling marriages in small groups toward maturity and the image of Christ that marriage is to reflect. Find out more about BJ Thompson co-founder of Build a better Us at the website link: http://buildabetterus.com/team/

Others on the panel were Chad Jones, a gospel rap artist, and Pastor Rich Perez who has seen a significant increase in godly marriage in the church he pastors in New York.

Pastor Rich Perez starts out talking about the woman’s freedom to pursue godly friendships with men that can possibly lead into a more committed relationship if it turns out that way.

Chad goes on discussing the ratio of men to women as well as where are the men? He talks about how women in a sense have less power in the situation of waiting on a man. BJ began discussing a healthy culture of family where single men and women learn to be healthy brothers and sisters in Christ, and when we don’t have that as singles we tend to find it in unhealthy places. 

Of course, some of the girls I set with in this workshop wished that at least one of the wives of the all male panel would hop up on the panel and speak, but the men did good. The below video shows what they had to say. Leave your vote below on the survey whether you feel it is hard for men or women during the wait. Let’s just say, I am of the belief that both men and women go through similar situations as singles and need to have grace and love for one another. That always makes the wait a lot easier.

Watch the discussion below and take the polls: