Lack of wholeness produces instability

Remember wholeness deals with our souls, meaning our—mind, will, and emotions. There is a scripture that shares that a double-minded man is unstable in all of his ways (James 1:8.) The opposite of wholeness is to be broken, divided, fractured, or unstable. A double-minded person wavers in their mind. One moment she may accept herself, the next moment she does not. One moment, she may believe she is worthy of the best, the next moment she is ready to settle for less.

She is unsettled on who she is. Her instability in how she sees herself attracts instability. Because she has not resolved how she sees herself; she opens the door for others in dating to tell her who she is, and what she should put up with. This is how a lot of women and men get caught up in toxic relationships. They were broken, unstable, and unresolved in what they felt they were worth. It would do a person well to get to the root of what is causing such instability and deal with that prior to entering into a relationship. If it is childhood issues, address those issues. If it’s a need for forgiveness, do the necessary work to forgive.

People who have not resolved to become whole settle for what’s available right now instead of what is appropriate

Wholeness lays the foundation for who we are without another person. We learn our identity, likes, dislikes, tolerances, skills, purpose, gifts, and talents. This sets a foundation in who will complement who we are and who will not. It’s best to choose a mate based on whether a person is heading in a similar direction as ourselves. Many instead choose a mate based on how they feel, and what they want. If the person makes them feel good, it’s a go when what’s really important may not be considered. A whole person learns to implement self-control over his emotions and how he feels for what’s more important and will make the most difference for the long-term.

It’s important to be whole to prevent entering a relationship based on a deficiency alone

It used to be that many women would jump at the idea of marriage out of a perceived need of getting out of their parent’s house. They just wanted something different. They felt like they could not do it on their own, and so having a man to assist with that was a primary option. However, marriage is something deeper to consider than a personal gain or want. It’s a covenant that will require much responsibility. It isn’t fair to ones-self or someone else to get with someone only for the purpose of getting something from them.

What happens when we are tired of what they have to give us or there is a job loss and things become uncomfortable. A whole person avoids this scenario. She does not get with a gentleman to pay her bills, or because she is lonely, and he’s the only guy available. A whole person considers a match that matches who he or she is as a person. He looks for complementary purposes, mutual respect, a mutual attraction and so forth and so on. A whole person also considers what she can bring to the table instead of what she can get. A relationship built on a deficiency alone will find it difficult to stand the test of time.

It’s important to be whole to avoid codependent relationships

Don’t get me wrong we all need someone, but a co-dependent relationship is when we are with someone not because they are good for us, but simply because they meet a need that we have. In essence, the other person becomes our vice for coping with life instead of learning how to cope with life as a healthy individual. A healthy individual coping with life realizes that she needs help, and encouragement sometimes, but she also is diligent at getting wisdom and applying principles that will help her to not only be a taker from others but an asset to others as well as to herself. She has learned the value of investing in herself as well as in others. This places her in a position of not being prime game for someone who may seek to abuse her knowing that she will come back because she feels she cannot make it on her own. Co-dependent relationships can become very draining and sometimes destructive.

Mental Health America shared the below quote on their website regarding co-dependent relationships:

“It is an emotional and behavioral condition that affects an individual’s ability to have a healthy, mutually satisfying relationship. It is also known as “relationship addiction” because people with codependency often form or maintain relationships that are one-sided, emotionally destructive and/or abusive.”

For more on wholeness, visit my website for information on, “The Wholeness Action Plan Book“

Three years ago, I started chronicling my journey as a single woman via video blogs. I started at age 33. Now, at age 35, I am more resolved than I’ve ever been before. In the most, recent video blog, I cover a few perspectives that helped to get me to that place of resolve. If you’ve been following my blogs on Intercession For A Generation, much of this will be a review for you.

No Longer Looking at Myself from a Perspective of Lack

One of Satan’s greatest strategies against those who seek to honor God in their singleness is to cause us to believe the lie that we are missing something. He will show us all of our friends, associates, and others who have disobeyed God in areas where we have taken a stand and how blessed they are.  Then he wants us to look back at ourselves to see that we are without a relationship or loving spouse.

This breeds the lie that it isn’t worth it to obey God and that we need to modify who we are to compromise like others to be blessed from God. It is, however, a lie produced by fear.

Romans 8:15 discusses how we have been adopted as sons of God and thus are no longer slaves to fear. Fear of what? Fear of lack and doing without? When we look at what we are doing to glorify God as work that has not paid off; we operate out of fear.

When we look at what we’ve done for the glory of God out of submission to Christ as his son; we operate out of expectation of our inheritance in Christ. We will not be blessed with a spouse because of our work for Christ, but our inheritance in Christ as sons.

Further, we aren’t sons because we are good, but because God adopted us. This is the proper perspective that frees us of the perspective of worry, lack, and fear, and it gives God the proper glory due to his name.

Competition Becomes Defeated With the Proper Perspective

Competition no longer becomes an issue when we understand that no one receives from God because they are good, but because God is good, and God adopts us as his children not the other way around.

A Greater Resolve to Obey God During the Hard Times
I mention a scripture in the video where many of Jesus’ follower’s turned away from him during a hard time. Jesus discerned them pointing out that they were only seeking him for what they could get from him. The hard times that we go through in Christ show us what’s in our hearts. Are we seeking God for what we can get from him? Are we only seeking God because we want a spouse? Those that seek God for what He can do for them only do not remain. Those that seek God for who He is; receive his power and grace to obey through the hard times because they have learned to love him.

Suffering is a prerequisite in the kingdom of God before inheritance. It actually proves we are ready for it. It proves we want the God who gives it more than the gift. Examine yourself as to where you are in this process. The Lord will correct anywhere where we may be off if we come to him.

“From this time many of his disciples turned back and no longer followed him.” – John 6:66

“If you love Me, you will keep My commandments.” – John 14:15 

“Now if we are children, then we are heirs-heirs of God and co-heirs with Christ, if indeed we share in his sufferings in order that we may also share in his glory” –  Romans 8:17

Resolved to Enjoy My Life Right Now
We have to keep our focus on Jesus to enjoy life right now. Focusing on what everyone else is doing, and what everyone else has to say will cause us to long for the future so much so that we despise today. This will cause us to begin making desperate choices to change our today into something else God may not be calling us to just yet. Do you trust God to lead you, guide you, and to get you ready for the inheritance that he has for you, or do you out of fear feel like you better work for it or else you will lose your chance? 

Enjoying today is not a place of complacency or fear so we should not worry about losing out. This place actually provides greater clarity for what we are supposed to be doing now. It makes us more productive. Operating out of fear for the future causes us to lose time trying to work for something God already intends to give us. Seek God on this and allow him to settle you.

Watch the video below to listen to the Word of God taught in such a way as to settle you. God loves us so much that he would have me go through the same thing that many other Christian women go through while giving me his word to teach and settle our hearts toward the Lord:

Recently, I was watching an episode of the OWN television show, “Ready to Love.” There is a woman on there named Melinda who was crushing hard on a brotha named Aaron. The premise of the show is for the contestants on the show to get to know each other and hopefully walk away with love.

The ladies eliminated most of the men leaving behind 3 brothas, one of them being Aaron. Melinda liked Aaron from day one and they have talked, texted, face-timed, but Aaron was never shown on the show professing his affection solely for Melinda aside from all of the other girls.

Melinda prematurely mentioned to the other ladies while they were out painting that she has already had sex with Aaron in her mind. She laid claim to this man publicly without him laying claim to her. That’s a no-no. She was moving ahead of herself and not guarding her heart. When we call a relationship prematurely, not allowing the man to lead with clarity that he wants just us; we fail to guard our hearts, and we set ourselves up to be disappointed. A man should declare publicly that you are his girl. It should not be a secret thing only between the two of you.

Later, Melinda is shown snapping on Aaron, when Aaron shares that he isn’t interested in her. Yes, Aaron led her on to a degree, flirting, face-timing, and sending text messages that made Melinda think there was more there, but Melinda did not take her responsibility to protect her own heart seriously. Due to her lust and infatuation, she felled to see the signs everyone seen all along and that was that Aaron just wasn’t that into her.

 Above all else, guard your heart, for everything you do flows from it. – Proverbs 4:23

Ms. Melinda did not guard her own heart. Instead, she projected the fault toward Aaron. Yes, he had some fault, but we cannot throw ourselves at men as women and expect them to fix our lack of love. Melinda shared as she walked away hurt that she wanted someone to love her for her. In order for her to get someone who loves her for her; she has to love herself for her. That means that she has to protect herself for her own personal sanity. 

It becomes unattractive when we lose control of our discernment and self-preservation to lust, infatuation, and fantasy. Fantasy isn’t real, and what we fantasize about may never come to pass. Thus, when the fantasy blows up in our face, we are left disappointed. It’s better to remain sober. There is a time and place for everything under the sun. The time to fantasize is not before we get the man, but afterward.

After we get the man (meaning husband), we can turn some of our would be fantasies into reality. Until then, we need to be sober. Guard our hearts, and ready ourselves for love by choosing wisely. It isn’t a wise choice to want a man who doesn’t want us. We are worth more. We have to woman up and move on. There will be a man out there who will value us as we value ourselves–maybe even more. It may take us being single and becoming more in tune with our value and our worth first before we meet this type of man. Whatever, you do, don’t neglect to guard your heart.

The same goes for the brothas. Single men, you need to guard your heart as well. Deal with potentials at the reality at hand and not at the wishful thinking of a fantasy. If a girl is showing you she isn’t feeling you move on. I will say that sometimes a woman will be feeling a brotha, but the brotha doesn’t know how to approach the woman. For example, if you meet a girl on social media, and you exchange numbers with her; then call her and have a conversation with her first. Let her know you get her and she gets you first before you start sending good morning beautiful text messages every day.

If no strong foundation is being built through mental connection and communication, all that’s left is an emotional connection or a lust built connection. Please, note that emotions and lust aren’t enough to build a sustainable relationship. Emotional connections and lust connections take a potential relationship up fast which normally results in going down fast. Learn to guard your heart, work on your communication skills so you can present yourself to a woman beyond an emotional fantasy of stroking her eagle about her looks and physical beauty. Be real, open, and transparent showcasing who you are mentally and spiritually, and the emotional and physical connection will grow organically at a more sober and steadied pace.

Women of God, Do you guard your heart when a guy pursues you? Men of God, do you guard your heart when you pursue a woman? Men of God, do you send good morning beautiful text messages without building a firm foundation with the woman via conversation?

6 Things You Can Do Now to Fulfill the Need for Intimacy & Vunerability

Single believers aren’t alone in the quest for genuine relationships where we can be vulnerable. Our generation at large is feeling the longing for connectivity. Believers, I believe feel the tug more often because we are so peculiar. It takes a bit more for us to connect intimately due to our Biblical value system. The wait, in turn, ends up being longer for a spouse in many cases and if we wait for a spouse to become vulnerable with someone; we can easily develop a fear of intimacy or vulnerability. It’s that vulnerability however that produces the greatest intimacy. When I say intimacy in this article, I am not talking about sex, but about a strong intimate connection and sense of belonging and acceptance.

Don’t wait until you are in a relationship to practice being vulnerable.
Being vulnerable can be scary especially if you’ve had a background of being rejected. I’ve learned to thank God for those situations of  “rejection.” Simply because I trust God to orchestrate my life so that his perfect will will be done. That is what I desire, and therefore I’ve learned through tests and trials to trust God for that. Thus, what appears to be rejection, I don’t really look at as rejection anymore, but God’s leading and guiding.

Because of that foundation, I am not afraid to seek out godly friendships with both guys and girls. Having godly friendships now gives us a place to be vulnerable. This is something that we can currently practice while waiting to meet the right spouse. Being vulnerable with the right people will help you to get past the anxiety of vulnerability and to see the benefits of close connection that vulnerability provide. It will also help you to sharpen your communication skills. So many people get into relationships without knowing how to communicate and may even run from confronting important things and being vulnerable when necessary.

Don’t only practice vulnerability when it appears to make you look good
Don’t only practice vulnerability when it appears to make you look good, but be honest about your mistakes and feelings when necessary. Being vulnerable in the hard places births maturity and helps you to be vulnerable next time. Who knows, maybe you will discover grace in your friendship in a new way. This should bring you closer. 

You will not be able to be open/vulnerable with everyone
Just like you will not be able to be intimate with everyone because vulnerability brings intimacy; you have to be careful who you decide to be vulnerable with. When seeking out godly friendships; we need to make sure that the friendships are trustworthy before being vulnerable. There is nothing worse than bearing your soul to someone who simply doesn’t care about you. This type of person would use it against you. 

Only be vulnerable according to your personality and your peace
This involves knowing yourself. If you simply are an introvert and do not feel comfortable talking with strangers to attempt friendship; perhaps you may want to find another way to show yourself friendly. The Bible is clear: Those who have friends must show themselves friendly (Proverbs 18:24). You may need to work a little harder at stepping out and communicating with people you do not know, but until then practice smiling more and simply being friendly and enjoying life. Hopefully, your extension of friendship and friendliness will come out by accident. When it does; that’s a good thing because that’s really you. It’s the real us that draws other like minded people to us. Not a facade of what we think we should be.

Only be vulnerable according to your level of faith & trust in God
There is a scripture in the Bible that says whatsoever is not of faith is sin (Romans 14:23). If you are seeking godly friendships out of faith that God will lead you to the right one(s); it’s cool. If you are seeking godly friendships out of voids, neediness, and lack of trust in God, it’s sin. Sin is missing the mark. You set yourself up to fell this way.

One of the ways you can be sure you are operating out of faith is that during your seek, you aren’t ready to quit just because someone isn’t interested in you in any type of way. When you’ve entrusted your life and your future over to God; it’s cool if it works, and if it doesn’t because God’s got you. When you live in trust in God, you trust him to open the right doors and close the wrongs ones.

You can actually become thankful for the closed doors or those not interested. If you find that your faith is small in this area, you may need to take a step back and do a deep-dive with God asking him to cleanse and purify your heart while strengthening your faith with the Word of God. God may put you in a deliverance process when you bring this to him and it will be uncomfortable, but go with God’s flow so you can be free.

Stay in expectation of the right one(s)
Continue to extend friendship and walk in God’s joy and favor. This is a benefit of going from broken to whole. When God processes you; he teaches you how to have joy in all situations because your joy comes from Christ and the knowledge of him. Stay firmly rooted in your identity in Christ. You will not be able to have healthy relationships without it. It is staying firm in our identity in Christ that keeps us in expectation. We know we have an inheritance in Christ. Part of that inheritance is knowing that we are fully loved and accepted in Christ (Ephesians 1:5-6). This mindset keeps me going in expectation. God’s word says to be joyful in hope. We can be joyful in celebrating what we know already belongs to us in Christ Jesus. God will do exceeding abundantly above all we could ask or think

Last week, I talked about whether social media bought us closer or pushed us apart. During, the article the need for intimacy and appropriate vulnerability was highlighted. On Maslow’s Hierarchy of needs intimacy, friendship and belonging come in at #3. Our generation, I believe has had a unique experience concerning this need. We are the generation with 50% singles not necessarily because we want to be, but because many of us have to be. We simply have not met someone yet who meets the standard for our lives.

Let’s be thankful however for having a standard. I do believe that there are some benefits and perks to our generation in that knowledge is everywhere. There is really no excuse not to know something. Because knowledge is everywhere; we simply do not have to make the same mistakes our parents or their parents may have made. We can wait until someone has the same understanding and value system as us and then form the unbreakable bond of marriage.

Thus, the disclaimer that there is nothing wrong with being single. However, sometimes, we can get to an age and stage in life where we desire to settle down and to have a spouse and possibly a family. This is a dream that far too many have not been able to reach. There is a longing desire for intimacy and vulnerability that also at times daunts the believer who wants to also please God with his or her life.

From the outside looking in, some would think this is an easy fix, but it’s really an obstacle course that will require lots of faith. So, I recently released the Wholeness Action Plan book that I’ve been intentionally following to build healthy community which would lead to healthy friendships and hopefully a spouse.

However, my experience like many, has been good and disappointing, but because of an expectation of the good, I continue to press. Practically, we know that it’s easy to find someone to be intimate or vulnerable with as singles desiring marriage, but it’s not easy to find someone to be intimate and vulnerable with who also desires to please God.

Because of the above, I’ve had to pass up good men in hopes of a godly man and I’m sure brothers have had to do the same with some women, but the more discouraging part is being intentional with those who appear to be godly, but just aren’t interested.

I don’t know if religion has made some men feel it is unholy to talk to an attractive Christian woman, the brothers are pursuing someone else, or I’m simply not their type, but the consistent lack of welcoming to begin a friendship that can lead to whatever can easily cause anxiety and fear. This is part of the discomfort our generation faces in desiring intimacy and vulnerability that has gone unfulfilled.

I’ve come to the resolve however that I have to simply press through the anxiety. Anxiety is a form of fear that seeks to get us stuck. It seeks to cause us to stop moving by faith, but instead to begin putting forward protective mechanisms to avoid the fear and anxiety of things not panning out again.

I was recently encouraged to keep moving forward in faith showing myself friendly because one day the right person will respond who also wants to please God. I was reading a portion of my book from the chapter case studies from brokenness to wholeness & rest.

I shared how the woman with the issue of blood had spent all she had moving by faith from one doctor to the next and none of them panned out to her healing and wholeness. She could have failed to continue moving in faith when she had the opportunity to reach out to Jesus. She could have allowed anxiety to paralyze her saying to herself she wants to avoid the discomfort of not seeing what she expected to pane out once again, but she took a chance in faith and kept moving.

Jesus responded to her need healing her.

I want to encourage my fellow Millennials, Gen Xers and all of the above that there is someone out there qualified to respond to your need. However, you cannot allow anxiety to paralyze you from moving forward in faith. You have to press through the discomfort of anxiety by faith in God’s word.

God’s word is what allows you to remain at rest and settled in what he’s said concerning you. God’s word will do the work of keeping and protecting you until your God connection is made. None of those other doctors or healers worked for the woman because it wasn’t the connection God had set aside for her to answer her need.

If God has said he’s got someone for you; believe it. Continue in faith until you get the right response.

I was recently talking with a friend and sis in Christ about how there is so much pressure on social media to get to your next place in life that it makes it difficult to enjoy right now. Women are running after the latest fad to become a wife so they can be found. Everyone is trying to level up to their next boss status making it big and successful, but what about the people who are plowing their field right now and remaining faithful?
Truthfully, it’s hard to keep focused and remain faithful when everything else is telling you that where you are at right now isn’t good enough. People may not always see our faithfulness in a big way because God’s timing hasn’t caught up to his promise yet in our lives, but I do not believe that means that we should panic and try to skip our now for the next big thing.

My Bible says not to despise the day of small beginnings. It says that if we are faithful in little things we will be made faithful in much. Is the body of Christ adopting the standards of the world that has to see it all to believe it is truth? What happened to walking by faith and being thankful with where God has currently placed us to work and to grow and to be an example to someone else that it is possible to remain faithful to God where we are?
If everyone gets married right away; how will people know that God can keep a single woman or man for his glory and his purpose? Are we really hearing, submitting to, and following the Spirit of the living God for our lives? Do we have that channel of communication open where we can hear God in an undistracted manner–without the distraction of pressure from others that seek to tell us where we need to be in life?

Yes, I do desire to be married one day, but I refuse to not enjoy my today worried about when and how tomorrow will happen. I know it will happen because God has promised it. Neither do I have to be worried about preparing to be a wife because I am the bride of Christ. There is much preparation learned on a day to day of walking with the Lord. Also, the Word says those whom the Lord calls he qualifies. God will qualify those he has called to be wives and husbands. When fear and anxiety are the motivation for preparation; it may not be preparation, but idolatry.

Don’t miss the enjoyment of today by trying to overcompensate for tomorrow. Tomorrow will take care of itself. Get wisdom, get knowledge, but don’t allow the wisdom, knowledge, or assumptions of others to cause you to avoid hearing and knowing God for yourself. Don’t allow it to become a stumbling block to you causing you to become weary or anxious. Sometimes, we need to leave our trust in the Lord and simply enjoy life.

The Bible says to eat, drink, and be merry is our inheritance for our labor. If you’ve been faithful, walking out God’s word and have not seen God’s promise yet; don’t focus on it so much. Focus on enjoying life and continuing to build up your faith in Christ by nurturing yourself in the Lord. There are some things only God will be able to provide. There is some comfort only the Holy Spirit will be able to give you.

Keep being you. Keep being consistent. Keep doing the things that make you smile. Go to the spa. Get your nails done. Keep your hair cute. Rock your cute outfits. Travel from time to time, and be intentional with making godly friendships with both women and men. One day you will be pleasantly surprised that you’ve graduated from one place of grace and glory to another when God’s time meets up with his promise for you and you will have enjoyed the ride.
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I don’t believe it’s God’s will for us to always be fighting for our worth and value as single believers. Some of the fights we enter into can be avoided by simply not focusing on things that will distract. Be led by the Spirit and you will not fulfill the lusts of the flesh including anxiety, weariness, doubt, fear, and unbelief. Keep your joy in the Lord. It’s the joy of the Lord that he’s given you right now that will be your strength. God has also given us peace. We have to guard our peace and guard our hearts. A large part of doing so is enjoying our today.

Do not despise these small beginnings, for the Lord rejoices to see the work begin, to see the
​plumb line in Zerubbabel’s hand.” – Zecharaiah 4:10

“If you are faithful in little things, you will be faithful in large ones. But if you are dishonest in little things, you won’t be honest with greater responsibilities. – Luke 16:10 (NLT)

It is not that we think we are qualified to do anything on our own. Our qualification comes from God. –
2 Corinthians 3:5

“So don’t worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will bring its own worries. Today’s trouble is enough for today. – Matthew 6:34

So I commend the enjoyment of life, because there is nothing better for a person under the sun than to eat and drink and be glad. Then joy will accompany them in their toil all the days of the life God has given them under the sun. – Ecclesiastics 8:15 (NIV)

So I say, walk by the Spirit, and you will not gratify the desires of the flesh. – Galatians 5:16 (NIV)

Nehemiah said, “Go and enjoy choice food and sweet drinks, and send some to those who have nothing prepared. This day is holy to our Lord. Do not grieve, for the joy of the LORD is your strength.” – Nehemiah 8:10 (NIV)

Peace I leave with you; my peace I give you. I do not give to you as the world gives. Do not let your hearts be troubled and do not be afraid. – John 14:27 (NIV)

Don’t Just Desire Marriage, Desire God’s Standard for Marriage

Marriage is clearly a good thing to desire, but it cannot become a greater desire in our lives than living to please God. If we do allow the desire for marriage to become greater than our desire to please God, it becomes an idol in our lives. Idols are only counterfeits for the real thing. This means that when we worship idols of any kind we set ourselves up to invite counterfeit replicas of the real thing into our lives.

God has more for us his daughters than counterfeits. God’s word says that he has come to give us life and that more abundantly. God’s word also says the below promising us all things needed:

He that spared not His own Son, but delivered Him up for us all, how shall He not with Him also freely give us all things? – Romans 8:32

The above scripture promises us all things needed including godly marriage for those God has placed that desire in. We can have that if we believe that. Somehow many women have failed to believe that is for them, and that they can experience marriage God’s way and so they settle. We settle against God’s command not to be unequally yoked together with an unbeliever.

We’ve looked to marriage as an idol to heal us from the pain that is causing us to make the poor choice of choosing an unbeliever in the first place. Often that pain comes from a sense of lack. We lack love from a potential spouse. We lack loving ourselves, and we may not be properly receiving the love of God at that moment.

Proof that God loves us isn’t an easy care-free life. It’s a life of overcoming. It’s his grace making our paths straight when we so easily get off track. It’s many things and people that God has placed in our lives. Sometimes, we have to pray for God to open our eyes and cause us to see what we really do have instead of focusing on what we lack.

When we view anything as an idol; that idol becomes our lesson of how much we genuinely need God. The idol becomes our lesson on how much we genuinely need to submit to doing things God’s way. There is a scripture that confirms this. See below:

When you cry out for help, let your collection of idols save you! The wind will carry all of them off, a mere breath will blow them away. But whoever takes refuge in me will inherit the land and possess my holy mountain.” – Isaiah 57:13

God will remove his hand of protection enough for those trusting in idols to see that the idol is insufficient to heal, deliver, and sustain, but those who trust in the Lord will inherit the promises of God.

Could your idolatry of marriage be a trust issue? Is there something that occurred in your life and heart that caused you to lose your trust in God? What can you do to restore that trust in him? Believe me, sis! I’ve been there before myself. I remember being at a point in my life where I was so broken that it became a strain for me to trust God concerning the area of an appropriate spouse. At that point, a counterfeit was sent into my life, but the awesome thing is God was with me throughout every disappointment and experience.

It was awesome! I cannot lie to anyone about my walk, the only reason that I overcame was because of God being with me. I remember a prophet coming to my job and affirming me where I needed to be affirmed about who I was and why I was not allowed to be with just any guy. Then the prophet said and now Satan is going to try to get you to have sex. Sure enough, that is what my counterfeit wanted, but I made sure those boundaries were strong as the Lord allowed him to be removed out of my life.

You see, God will protect us because we are his and we are highly valuable. We have to cooperate with the Lord, however. When we operate out of rebellion seeking to make things work with a counterfeit despite God’s warning, we are setting ourselves up for more pain. No one in this world will escape dealing with some type of pain. It is better to go through with God than against God.

This post is to help you evaluate where you are in your decision for a lifelong partner. Again, there is nothing wrong with desiring that, but we have to make sure we desire to please God first meaning we aren’t letting down God’s standard for us just to have a man. 

We should be using our single time wisely by enjoying it, growing and learning about ourselves, being made firm in our identity and purpose, and simply enjoying intimate fellowship with the Lord. This will provide for us the stability and discernment to choose a suitable match for us. We can then, choose someone who has been doing the same thing in his singleness and two whole people can get together for the glory of God.

​Let no man say when he is tempted, I am tempted of God: for God cannot be tempted with evil, neither tempteth he any man: But every man is tempted, when he is drawn away of his own lust, and enticed. James 1:13-14

We can become tempted by our own desires. We can become drawn away by our own desires. This is why it is so important to maintain boundaries when dealing with the opposite sex even in the form of friends—because friends can awaken desires within us and if we follow those desires we can be drawn away.

So, an old friend of mine that I used to meet up with sometimes and play chess with came back into my life. We started chatting here and there as friends after he called my job regarding some business. I kept up with him regarding that business, but of course, there is an attraction between the two of us. However, we had already somewhat flirted with the attraction in the past which resulted in us not talking for some years due to the consecration mismatch issue.

Anywho, we were simply catching up as friends with a game of chess recently. The brotha had a new hairstyle, and it made me really consider touching his hair, but knowing myself, it’s hard for me to just touch a guy’s hair without rubbing his head.

So, I used to rub guys hair/head as a norm until one day when I was 22 a co-worker asked me to stop. He said it turned him on. I had no idea at the time. I was just being friendly. Due to that experience, I had not rubbed a brotha’s head in years, and the desire to do so had gone away as I had decided to reserve that for my husband.

The chess game with a friend bought up those desires that I had not thought of for so long. After it was over, I shared with the brotha over the phone how I wanted to touch his head. He said I should have. He further went into how he would have just touched my head and etc. I knew I had made the right decision to maintain self-control and not cross the boundary of friendship.

However, I began to ask myself, “Why am I in this situation?” I began to think, “I don’t have to be tempted with this situation.” There would have been nowhere for the friendship to escalate to except fornication. Here I am whole and free. I was not trying to end up in bondage. All cycles start with decisions. I was making a decision to be free.

​It is for freedom that Christ has set us free. Stand firm, then, and do not let yourselves be burdened again by a yoke of slavery. – Galatians 5:1

I had to set some boundaries. Any type of a relationship without boundaries could lead anywhere. I need to have a clear marker of definition for what every relationship is rather friendship or an actual relationship. There should be no lack of clarity in this area. Lack of clarity for where a relationship is going can derail destiny. It’s like trying to reach a destination without an address. It is confusion. I had to call the brotha and ask him to lay off the hello beautiful text messages. Had I allowed our undefined relationship to go on, I would have begun to feed a natural desire that I have in me as a woman to be affirmed and cherished by a man, but the man is not my husband neither can he be. I had to recognize the situation for what it was a setup for a situationship. 

The Bible says not to awaken love before it’s time. That means there is an appointed time for me to experience those intimate things that I desire with my husband. The friendship with the attractive guy who was starting to send me good morning beautiful text messages highlighted a desire in my life that is not yet fulfilled. It placed me in a position to focus on the desire being fulfilled rather than focusing on the Lord and what he wants. It would have very easily have drawn me away had I allowed it to continue.

This may seem like a small thing, but the scripture also says it’s the small foxes that spoil the vine. In essence, I had to make a choice to continue to guard my consecration to the Lord and my focus. I contacted one of my accountability sisters to let her know what was going on and what I was going to do about it. She agreed to follow up with me and make sure that I dealt with it