What is your legacy or family story? How has God used it to draw you closer to him? Sometimes the best preachers aren’t preachers at all, but they are relatives who live their lives in realness trusting in the Lord. The Bible speaks about how we are living epistles read of men. I have a blessed legacy to follow. My dad was a real father. He did not attend church regularly, but he believed in the Lord. He listened to church on the radio mostly and watched it on television, and the Lord was with him.

I was reminded of this during my current Bible reading in the book of Joshua. Joshua had lost his close mentor, Moses. He was in a position where he now had to move forward with God and the purpose at hand while still processing his grief.

God spoke to him in the middle of grief saying, “Moses, my servant is dead. Therefore, the time has come for you to lead these people, the Israelites, across the Jordan River into the land I am giving them. The purpose and the plan God had for his people did not stop. It feels that way sometimes when we lose a loved one. We just want to stop, but God’s voice instructs Joshua to keep going and in doing so, to lead the people to also keep going.

Not only does God encourage Joshua to keep going, but he ministers to him as he leads him. I thought it was interesting how reminiscent God’s dealing with Joshua was of his dealing with Moses—almost like a memorial from God saying I know it hurts, but I will be with you as I was with your mentor Moses. He reminds Joshua of this not only by his words but by having him to cross over a river, Jordan. Similar to how Moses crossed over the Red Sea with the Israelites. The comfort that must have been to Joshua and Israel. It was like going down memory lane with God as if God was saying, I got you like I had Moses.

Again, God does the same when He appeared to Joshua as the Lord of hosts of the army of heaven. Like, He did with Moses, He asked Joshua to take off his shoes because he was on holy ground. Moses was told the same thing when God appeared to him through a burning bush.

Now when Joshua was near Jericho, he looked up and saw a man standing in front of him with a drawn sword in his hand. Joshua went up to him and asked, “Are you for us or our enemies?”
“Neither,” he replied, “but as commander of the army of the Lord I have now come.” Then Joshua fell facedown to the ground in reverence, and asked him, “What message does my Lord[a] have for his servant?” The commander of the Lord’s army replied, “Take off your sandals, for the place where you are standing is holy.” And Joshua did so. – Joshua 5:13-15

All of this was God saying, I am here with you for the rest of the journey. Just because Moses is gone doesn’t mean I left you; neither does it mean, I no longer have a purpose for you. God was with Joshua. Not only was God with Joshua, but God was exalting Joshua before the people. To exalt means to raise up. Joshua was being raised above his grief. He was being raised up as one chosen by God still in the middle of grief. He was being raised up as a sign that God had not forsaken Israel. It is refreshing to me how God so carefully did this with Joshua through the reminders of how he’d dealt with his mentor Moses.

God uses our ancestors to ingrain His way into our hearts and minds. Even so, God commanded Joshua to choose 12 men, representing the twelve tribes of Israel, to grab a stone from the Jordan river and make a memorial where they decided to stay that night. Afterward, the new generation of men was commanded to be circumcised—another sign God had given their ancestor Abraham regarding the covenant of promise to make him a great nation. Although, these great men had passed; their legacy was still living strong in the earth through their descendants because of the work of the Lord. God does the very same thing today. What can you remember about your ancestors that remind you to remember the Lord and his faithfulness to you and your generation?

God uses our ancestors to draw us near to us. He tells the story of the gospel with every life submitted to him again and again. He reminds us that even though our loved ones are no longer with us—He is with us, and our loved ones’ lives continue to serve a purpose as they rest with him. This has been something I’ve recently taken comfort in. I believe it was one of Tony Evan’s daughters who shared in so many words that leaving a legacy is not always about money, but about what that life still speaks even though its currently gone.

By Dr. Sarah Williams, LPC, NCC

You Look Pretty
I opened my eyes and realized that it was 6 a.m. I had allowed myself a few hours of sleep between 3 a.m. and 6 p.m. and yes, I felt guilty for closing my eyes even briefly. My role as wife to the man I married and loved for years now needed me to be his caregiver. I look outside and see what appears to be normalcy for everyone else, but in my house, although there are children here it is complete silence. It was like an evil daily vigil. I don’t wake them, instead, I walk to the doorway of the room where my husband slept. I would wait at the door and watch for the rise and fall of his chest. Is there a breath? Will he open his eyes today? Or will I have to face his death? I had to endure the impending reality that I am watching him pass away―slowly―daily.

Most days I sit next to him and watch him, mixtures of love, fear, grief, and anger all at once. The lively active man that was Active Duty Navy, and a leader in government; these two careers took him away from us constantly. He was finally home. However, this time he could not enjoy us nor pour into us. The Cancer was winning the battle and I hated the whole thought of it. How could it be? I eventually got to a point that I was finished with asking why, but resolved to wonder when? I wondered, when was he going to finally leave us for good?

Our life was filled with goodbyes, some sweet and some bitter. I resented his commitment to everything else, only to realize he was gone so much so that he could provide the life that gave me the ability to stay at home if I chose. All of the perks were at my disposal to enjoy because of his commitment to his careers. Now I was angry at me too for not realizing that his love was one of providing and not of presence. In November of 2015, he took his final journey with a bittersweet farewell.

His last words to me were, “you look pretty”. The truth was, I did look pretty. My husband needed to see me look as normal as possible. On that last day, I put on a good front with nice clothes, hair, perfume, and red lipstick. I faked my way through it, but inside my soul was so broken. It was a big charade. There was nothing pretty about what I felt, the hole in my heart, and the anguish of the sound of my children screaming in my head. It is a sound that will haunt me for the rest of my life. I looked pretty to help him transition, he needed to see me as an assurance that I will be okay. I was anything but okay.

Plastic Smiling 
Living through the trauma associated with grief is a unique experience for each person. By definition, trauma is essentially an emotional response to a distressing event. Grief is correlated with trauma. I experienced what is known as Complicated Grief, meaning the loss is debilitating and distressful even after several months or years. There is a process of grief, or what is known as The Stages of Grief. The anticipated stages of grief are: 1. Isolation/Denial, 2. Anger, 3. Bargaining, 4. Depression, and 5. Acceptance. However, my process was a complex mixture of sadness, anger, raging, depression, and “plastic smiling” my way through the process. Sadly, I watched my adolescent twins go through the same jigsaw-maze of emotions. Mad, sad, acting out, and fighting with each other, while getting good grades and faking happy with their friends.

From Trauma to Triumph
All species grieve, and all can heal as well. My journey is a continuous one. However, I find peace and healing by working with others in processing their pain. I meet weekly with individuals, groups, and families that all need help. Through my work as a public speaker and licensed psychotherapist with a specialty in grief, stress, and trauma: my pain has a purpose. Yes, I am a widow, but not in an ordinary sense. My current status is that of a survivor of loss, trauma, and grief. While I navigate the new journey, I devote myself to aiding others as a licensed psychotherapist, creator and host of “Dr. Sarah After Dark” which is a mental health awareness TV show, and Covenant Way Clinical Counseling, a private counseling practice in Virginia. I Speak to large groups, facilitate workshops, and consult on the topic of grief. My advice to others is to first and foremost, locate a trusted therapist to guide you in the healing process. A second step is to allow yourself time and patience. Nurture yourself, and don’t rush the process. Lastly, finding your passion and source of joy in whatever form that works for you. Each day of the journey brings the needed change to move along from pain, trauma, grief, and loss to triumph.

To Lament means to mourn or grieve something that has been lost. In the Bible, the book of Lamentations was written because of the deportation and exile of the Jews from their land. The Jews had been taken as captives in Babylon. They longed for the old days.

In our lives, we mourn or grieve loss when we lose someone we love, or maybe even when we become sick and lose a sense of freedom and independence. We have to depend on others and ask for help. We may be the type who are ashamed or afraid of asking for help because we don’t want to be seen as a burden. These are things that our elders deal with as they develop into old age.
The Word of God cautions us to remember God in the days of our youth. This getting to know God in our youth, I believe helps with lamenting as we approach old age because it gives us a firm foundation to draw on as we lament.

To lament is to bring our complaints, grief, and confusing despondency to the Lord. Lamenting is a form of bringing the things that we grapple with to God—those things that we cannot control―those losses that cannot be recovered.

Examples of lamenting found in scripture are below:

“Why is light given to those in misery,
     and life to the bitter of soul,
 to those who long for death that does not come,
     who search for it more than for hidden treasure, – Job 3:20-21
My God, my God, why have you forsaken me?
     Why are you so far from saving me,
     so far from my cries of anguish? – Psalms 22:1

The above shows Job being vulnerable about his pain to God even to the point of sharing that he longed for death more than life. Lamenting is a form of being acquainted with our pain in a vulnerable way. This vulnerability is shown before someone of whom we feel has the power and authority to help us. Jesus, himself, uttered the words above mentioned in Psalms 22 while on the cross dying for us. King David prophesied about Jesus’ experience 100s of years before it happened. The point is there is nothing wrong with lamenting. It’s a healthy way to deal with forms of grief and excessive pain. Even Jesus modeled this.

Trust
Lamenting is a type of expression of prayer toward the one who we trust. That is God. The children of Israel lamented to God after losing their promised land. They had to live years without dwelling in their promised land, but at the appointed time, they were restored to their land. Somewhere in our memory as human beings; our minds go back to the idea of God’s promises and his ways working for us. We go to him in the utter nakedness of how we feel regarding our loss and we trust him to handle it. I learned that at the heart of lamenting; there lies a trust in God. Many will look at those who are lamenting as though they are complainers or doing something wrong, but this is something built into us as humans and it’s okay. 

God’s Character
Finally, at the heart of lamenting, there is the idea that God is good and that God is just. We don’t lament because we don’t believe God is good, but because we do believe God is good. I’ll be honest, some lamenting sounds like complaining and thus we can be judgmental of those who lament around us.

We can judge people who are in a state of lamenting as not trusting God, or not being people who are of depth in God, but the reality is people who are lamenting the loss of their loved ones, independence, freedom, etc. aren’t doing so because they aren’t strong believers in God’s goodness, but they are thoroughly convinced that the character of God is good, and that is why they don’t understand why God allows things that aren’t so good to occur in our lives. These are honest questions and God can handle them because his character is good. The thing is we may not understand why everything happens the way that it happens and that’s okay. Somethings we will not understand until later when God chooses to reveal it.

In the meantime, go ahead on through your process of grief including lamenting your most vulnerable expressions of pain to God knowing that He is good, and He is trustworthy and He is the lifter of the hung down head.

It’s okay to lament.

But you, LORD, are a shield around me, my glory, the One who lifts my head high. – Psalms 3:3