Category: Emotional/Mental Health

How God uses the Legacy of Our Ancestors to Draw Us Near to Him:

What is your legacy or family story? How has God used it to draw you closer to him? Sometimes the best preachers aren’t preachers at all, but they are relatives who live their lives in realness trusting in the Lord. The Bible speaks about how we are living epistles read of men. I have a blessed legacy to follow. My dad was a real father. He did not attend church regularly, but he believed in the Lord. He listened to church on the radio mostly and watched it on television, and the Lord was with him.

I was reminded of this during my current Bible reading in the book of Joshua. Joshua had lost his close mentor, Moses. He was in a position where he now had to move forward with God and the purpose at hand while still processing his grief.

God spoke to him in the middle of grief saying, “Moses, my servant is dead. Therefore, the time has come for you to lead these people, the Israelites, across the Jordan River into the land I am giving them. The purpose and the plan God had for his people did not stop. It feels that way sometimes when we lose a loved one. We just want to stop, but God’s voice instructs Joshua to keep going and in doing so, to lead the people to also keep going.

Not only does God encourage Joshua to keep going, but he ministers to him as he leads him. I thought it was interesting how reminiscent God’s dealing with Joshua was of his dealing with Moses—almost like a memorial from God saying I know it hurts, but I will be with you as I was with your mentor Moses. He reminds Joshua of this not only by his words but by having him to cross over a river, Jordan. Similar to how Moses crossed over the Red Sea with the Israelites. The comfort that must have been to Joshua and Israel. It was like going down memory lane with God as if God was saying, I got you like I had Moses.

Again, God does the same when He appeared to Joshua as the Lord of hosts of the army of heaven. Like, He did with Moses, He asked Joshua to take off his shoes because he was on holy ground. Moses was told the same thing when God appeared to him through a burning bush.

Now when Joshua was near Jericho, he looked up and saw a man standing in front of him with a drawn sword in his hand. Joshua went up to him and asked, “Are you for us or our enemies?”
“Neither,” he replied, “but as commander of the army of the Lord I have now come.” Then Joshua fell facedown to the ground in reverence, and asked him, “What message does my Lord[a] have for his servant?” The commander of the Lord’s army replied, “Take off your sandals, for the place where you are standing is holy.” And Joshua did so. – Joshua 5:13-15

All of this was God saying, I am here with you for the rest of the journey. Just because Moses is gone doesn’t mean I left you; neither does it mean, I no longer have a purpose for you. God was with Joshua. Not only was God with Joshua, but God was exalting Joshua before the people. To exalt means to raise up. Joshua was being raised above his grief. He was being raised up as one chosen by God still in the middle of grief. He was being raised up as a sign that God had not forsaken Israel. It is refreshing to me how God so carefully did this with Joshua through the reminders of how he’d dealt with his mentor Moses.

God uses our ancestors to ingrain His way into our hearts and minds. Even so, God commanded Joshua to choose 12 men, representing the twelve tribes of Israel, to grab a stone from the Jordan river and make a memorial where they decided to stay that night. Afterward, the new generation of men was commanded to be circumcised—another sign God had given their ancestor Abraham regarding the covenant of promise to make him a great nation. Although, these great men had passed; their legacy was still living strong in the earth through their descendants because of the work of the Lord. God does the very same thing today. What can you remember about your ancestors that remind you to remember the Lord and his faithfulness to you and your generation?

God uses our ancestors to draw us near to us. He tells the story of the gospel with every life submitted to him again and again. He reminds us that even though our loved ones are no longer with us—He is with us, and our loved ones’ lives continue to serve a purpose as they rest with him. This has been something I’ve recently taken comfort in. I believe it was one of Tony Evan’s daughters who shared in so many words that leaving a legacy is not always about money, but about what that life still speaks even though its currently gone.

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Moving from Grief, Loss, and Trauma to Triumph:

By Dr. Sarah Williams, LPC, NCC

You Look Pretty
I opened my eyes and realized that it was 6 a.m. I had allowed myself a few hours of sleep between 3 a.m. and 6 p.m. and yes, I felt guilty for closing my eyes even briefly. My role as wife to the man I married and loved for years now needed me to be his caregiver. I look outside and see what appears to be normalcy for everyone else, but in my house, although there are children here it is complete silence. It was like an evil daily vigil. I don’t wake them, instead, I walk to the doorway of the room where my husband slept. I would wait at the door and watch for the rise and fall of his chest. Is there a breath? Will he open his eyes today? Or will I have to face his death? I had to endure the impending reality that I am watching him pass away―slowly―daily.

Most days I sit next to him and watch him, mixtures of love, fear, grief, and anger all at once. The lively active man that was Active Duty Navy, and a leader in government; these two careers took him away from us constantly. He was finally home. However, this time he could not enjoy us nor pour into us. The Cancer was winning the battle and I hated the whole thought of it. How could it be? I eventually got to a point that I was finished with asking why, but resolved to wonder when? I wondered, when was he going to finally leave us for good?

Our life was filled with goodbyes, some sweet and some bitter. I resented his commitment to everything else, only to realize he was gone so much so that he could provide the life that gave me the ability to stay at home if I chose. All of the perks were at my disposal to enjoy because of his commitment to his careers. Now I was angry at me too for not realizing that his love was one of providing and not of presence. In November of 2015, he took his final journey with a bittersweet farewell.

His last words to me were, “you look pretty”. The truth was, I did look pretty. My husband needed to see me look as normal as possible. On that last day, I put on a good front with nice clothes, hair, perfume, and red lipstick. I faked my way through it, but inside my soul was so broken. It was a big charade. There was nothing pretty about what I felt, the hole in my heart, and the anguish of the sound of my children screaming in my head. It is a sound that will haunt me for the rest of my life. I looked pretty to help him transition, he needed to see me as an assurance that I will be okay. I was anything but okay.

Plastic Smiling 
Living through the trauma associated with grief is a unique experience for each person. By definition, trauma is essentially an emotional response to a distressing event. Grief is correlated with trauma. I experienced what is known as Complicated Grief, meaning the loss is debilitating and distressful even after several months or years. There is a process of grief, or what is known as The Stages of Grief. The anticipated stages of grief are: 1. Isolation/Denial, 2. Anger, 3. Bargaining, 4. Depression, and 5. Acceptance. However, my process was a complex mixture of sadness, anger, raging, depression, and “plastic smiling” my way through the process. Sadly, I watched my adolescent twins go through the same jigsaw-maze of emotions. Mad, sad, acting out, and fighting with each other, while getting good grades and faking happy with their friends.

From Trauma to Triumph
All species grieve, and all can heal as well. My journey is a continuous one. However, I find peace and healing by working with others in processing their pain. I meet weekly with individuals, groups, and families that all need help. Through my work as a public speaker and licensed psychotherapist with a specialty in grief, stress, and trauma: my pain has a purpose. Yes, I am a widow, but not in an ordinary sense. My current status is that of a survivor of loss, trauma, and grief. While I navigate the new journey, I devote myself to aiding others as a licensed psychotherapist, creator and host of “Dr. Sarah After Dark” which is a mental health awareness TV show, and Covenant Way Clinical Counseling, a private counseling practice in Virginia. I Speak to large groups, facilitate workshops, and consult on the topic of grief. My advice to others is to first and foremost, locate a trusted therapist to guide you in the healing process. A second step is to allow yourself time and patience. Nurture yourself, and don’t rush the process. Lastly, finding your passion and source of joy in whatever form that works for you. Each day of the journey brings the needed change to move along from pain, trauma, grief, and loss to triumph.

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What it Means to Lament:

To Lament means to mourn or grieve something that has been lost. In the Bible, the book of Lamentations was written because of the deportation and exile of the Jews from their land. The Jews had been taken as captives in Babylon. They longed for the old days.

In our lives, we mourn or grieve loss when we lose someone we love, or maybe even when we become sick and lose a sense of freedom and independence. We have to depend on others and ask for help. We may be the type who are ashamed or afraid of asking for help because we don’t want to be seen as a burden. These are things that our elders deal with as they develop into old age.
The Word of God cautions us to remember God in the days of our youth. This getting to know God in our youth, I believe helps with lamenting as we approach old age because it gives us a firm foundation to draw on as we lament.

To lament is to bring our complaints, grief, and confusing despondency to the Lord. Lamenting is a form of bringing the things that we grapple with to God—those things that we cannot control―those losses that cannot be recovered.

Examples of lamenting found in scripture are below:

“Why is light given to those in misery,
     and life to the bitter of soul,
 to those who long for death that does not come,
     who search for it more than for hidden treasure, – Job 3:20-21
My God, my God, why have you forsaken me?
     Why are you so far from saving me,
     so far from my cries of anguish? – Psalms 22:1

The above shows Job being vulnerable about his pain to God even to the point of sharing that he longed for death more than life. Lamenting is a form of being acquainted with our pain in a vulnerable way. This vulnerability is shown before someone of whom we feel has the power and authority to help us. Jesus, himself, uttered the words above mentioned in Psalms 22 while on the cross dying for us. King David prophesied about Jesus’ experience 100s of years before it happened. The point is there is nothing wrong with lamenting. It’s a healthy way to deal with forms of grief and excessive pain. Even Jesus modeled this.

Trust
Lamenting is a type of expression of prayer toward the one who we trust. That is God. The children of Israel lamented to God after losing their promised land. They had to live years without dwelling in their promised land, but at the appointed time, they were restored to their land. Somewhere in our memory as human beings; our minds go back to the idea of God’s promises and his ways working for us. We go to him in the utter nakedness of how we feel regarding our loss and we trust him to handle it. I learned that at the heart of lamenting; there lies a trust in God. Many will look at those who are lamenting as though they are complainers or doing something wrong, but this is something built into us as humans and it’s okay. 

God’s Character
Finally, at the heart of lamenting, there is the idea that God is good and that God is just. We don’t lament because we don’t believe God is good, but because we do believe God is good. I’ll be honest, some lamenting sounds like complaining and thus we can be judgmental of those who lament around us.

We can judge people who are in a state of lamenting as not trusting God, or not being people who are of depth in God, but the reality is people who are lamenting the loss of their loved ones, independence, freedom, etc. aren’t doing so because they aren’t strong believers in God’s goodness, but they are thoroughly convinced that the character of God is good, and that is why they don’t understand why God allows things that aren’t so good to occur in our lives. These are honest questions and God can handle them because his character is good. The thing is we may not understand why everything happens the way that it happens and that’s okay. Somethings we will not understand until later when God chooses to reveal it.

In the meantime, go ahead on through your process of grief including lamenting your most vulnerable expressions of pain to God knowing that He is good, and He is trustworthy and He is the lifter of the hung down head.

It’s okay to lament.

But you, LORD, are a shield around me, my glory, the One who lifts my head high. – Psalms 3:3

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6 Things to Assist in Healing From Grief

​The loss of a loved one can become a paralyzing thing. It’s easy to wake up with consistent pain, and have to go throughout the day in consistent pain. It can feel like all of the energy and excitement for life has been completely sucked out of us. The simplest tasks seem impossible. This is a normal symptom of grief. It will take some time to heal from the experience. Not to mention how the person died. Perhaps, we watched a loved one deteriorate over time or have regrets as to how we could have done things differently, and now its too late. I do not claim to be an expert at all on grief, but I will share some of the things I’ve learned along the way from mentors, support groups, and personal experience, and hopefully, it will help someone else going through a painful time of grief.

Take Each Day at a Time
Don’t try to force your healing right away. Don’t compare your process in how you deal with grief to how others deal with grief. Allow yourself the grace to feel how you feel, and to process all of your questions, regrets, and grief. It will be a process. You may not immediately feel better overnight, but you do have to go through your unique process. Allow yourself to have moments of happiness and laughter thinking on a good memory and allow yourself to have those moments of sadness and tears. Don’t attempt to force yourself into tomorrow, but live out each moment of each day. It will be a process.

Be Honest About How You Feel
You will need safe spaces to share how you feel with those who genuinely care. If you feel you cannot function or think properly enough to go into work; call your boss and explain. Many jobs give 3 grief days. Others will allow you to take additional sick days as grief days. That will help with that feeling of not wanting to get up out of bed. I struggled at various times with getting up out of bed when I lost my father. It was like life was in slow motion and I still had to live even though I needed to pause and just stop. I’m thankful that I have good friends who check on me and I can share with them how I feel.

Allow God to Assist You in Resolving the Regrets & Questions You May Have
My most refreshing moments were when I felt the presence of the Lord simply saying I’m here. That made my day. I’d called my mentor one day sharing with her the need for closure in how my dad died. It did not make much sense to me. She shared some really good information with me about when her mom passed and how she dealt with regret for so long over how she could not be there when it happened. She blamed herself. It took her a long time to get over that, but as she shared it was a part of her process. Another, hurtful instance of grief my mentor endured was losing a brother to murder and no one knew exactly what happened to him. However, her mother had been seeking the Lord about it and God gave my mentor’s cousin a dream showing her just what happened. She was able to explain that to my mentor’s mother who’d been seeking the Lord about it. God cares about us being resolved in our questions, regrets, and wanderings that come with grief. He knows that a lack of resolve means a lack of peace, and Jesus came to give us peace (John 14:27).

Do the Next Thing
This is something I learned from a support group called GriefShare. You can find free classes all over the nation that support those dealing with grief at Griefshare.com. Do the next thing means that we will not be able to do everything like before the loss right away and that’s okay. Just do the one next thing that has to be done. Don’t hold it against yourself for not being able to function at the same pace as before. You’ve taken a heavy loss and you will need to heal from it, and that healing will take time. Instead of trying to do everything as you’ve done before; just do the next thing.

Consider One on One Therapy
As previously stated, we all deal with grief differently. Some people are cold and do not show any emotion; while others let it all out. The right therapist can provide a safe and unbiased ear for you to release some of the ways you’ve noticed you’re dealing with the loss. If you have been adopting unhealthy coping mechanisms to deal with the loss such as overeating, eating junk food, drinking, etc. The therapist can help you identify these and re-establish healthier patterns. The therapist can also help you to dig deep and deal with some things that you may not even realize are contributing to other factors. It’s good not to go through grief alone because of the emotions and all that comes along with grief. I’ll be starting my one on one therapy this week. I am looking forward to it. Grief can be an emotional roller coaster, and I want to ride this out well, so I am seeking help.

Consider Keeping a Grief Journal
Journaling is naturally healing. It allows us to see and examine our thoughts. It also creates a record of how we have been processing the grief. If there is a part of the grief where we’ve come to resolve; we can document that and if the question relating to the grief comes back up again; we can go over what we’ve documented in our journal.

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Colorism

Colorism is a real thing. It’s where people are assigned to a place in life due to the color of their skin by fellow Black people. I was in a Christian Bible study class when a girl from the class asked a question with concern that she’d never get married. The leader capped off her response to the young lady by saying that she had nothing to worry about because she was a light-skinned Black woman, and when men of God come to the church, they expect to marry only the best and that is what they see as a light-skinned woman.

The class gasped while others in the room said, “Don’t end there.” It was obvious the teacher had opened up a can of worms and simply set it on the table while ending her class. However, her ending advice to the young lady was not enough for her to stand on. So, another girl and I went and ministered to her after class was over.

This was the year 2018 by the way. Colorism is still strong today among many in the Black community as well as those who attend church. It was a sad reality that she bought up. Not that it was her personal opinion, but many Black men in the church do choose light-skinned women over darker ones no matter how beautiful a woman is on the inside and out.

If a dark-skinned woman’s perspective of herself isn’t right; she may think that she has a lesser stake at getting a man of God because she is dark and thus she may act outside of the character of a woman of God because she’s lost hope. If a light-skinned woman’s perspective isn’t right, she may feel entitled and thus attract the humbling of life God upon herself.

Truthfully, I believe colorism is a lie from the pit of hell to discourage dark-skinned sisters from following Christ and to provide division between dark and light-skinned women. This is why it’s important to think for yourself. You cannot simply follow advice because it came from a pastor, teacher, or leader. You should have your very own measuring line of discernment for various things in life. You should know where you stand personally on various issues.

Colorism is popular not just in America, but all over the world. Because it is so popular to reward one shade over the other; we have to be more intentional about how we see ourselves, and how we teach our children to see themselves. Below are some things I’ve done to make sure I see myself properly despite the lie of colorism:

  • ​Follow Instagram accounts and hashtags that celebrate dark-skinned women
  • Think about the men in my circle who prefer dark-skinned women
  • I’ve chosen to love and adorn myself regardless of my darker shade. My shade is a plus to me and not a minus. I love it and that’s what matters.
  • ​Personally celebrate and look up to other women of darker shades who are poppin and beautiful such as Angela Bassett, Gabrielle Union, Regina King, Regina Hall, Michelle Obama, and others. When I remind myself of how these women are celebrated for their beauty and other contributions; it reminds me that I am worth it too. I am worth being loved and celebrated too! I can reach my full potential in my life also.

It’s only wrong thinking that holds us back. It seeks to cause us to adapt to a lower place in life, but when we have strategies in place to combat the negative lies in society that tell us we are less than; we will not think, act, or hold back in fear that we are less than.
If we continue to have a pure heart in how we value ourselves and others; we will not allow the colorism divide to work on us. It will be almost as if it doesn’t exist. The only time colorism may be noticed is when we meet someone who has not been transformed in their thinking just yet. Just because others have not made the choice to transform out of small and limited thinking about color doesn’t mean that we should make the same choice.

We have to take responsibility for how we see ourselves, and other people will follow. If you are dark, rock your beautiful dark skin. If you are light, rock your beautiful light skin. It really doesn’t matter what other people think as long as you like you. You’re the one who has to live with yourself.

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How Do You Deal With Your Insecurities?

Acts 17:5-8 Tells the story of some Jews who had become jealous of the acceptance and fame of Paul & Silas. Their message of Christ had been growing in acceptance and many prominent Jew and Greek men and women began to accept and believe in the message.

Thus, the Jews stored up a commotion dragging a gentleman, who had hosted Paul and Silas in his home out to face the people. His name was Jason.

The insecurities of the Jews were shown through their action. They were no longer on top. They were no longer the authorities of utmost importance with the hot word of the day. Because someone else was being used by God in that way, they became jealous and insecure.

They had been getting their worth from their positions as Jewish religious leaders instead of from intimately knowing and learning God. This created a war inside of them that caused them to lash out at the targets Paul and Silas who were no longer accessible, so they moved on to the next target–the host Jason.

Have you ever gotten your worth from what you’ve done only to see someone else do it better? Maybe God can be using the other person as a mirror in your life to show you yourself and your need to find your security and worth in Christ and what he says about you instead of how others accept or perceive you.

Have you ever found yourself so insecure regarding someone else’s talent or skill given by God that you sought to bring the other person down, gossiping, pointing the finger, and simply looking for faults in that person? We’ve all probably been tempted to feel this way before.

The Jews in the story sought to put someone else in bondage because of their bondage of insecurity. That is an unhealthy pattern of our weak flesh when we are insecure. Instead of projecting our insecurities on others, we should plain and simply give them to God allowing him to heal, restore, speak over, and settle us in how he made us. Unnecessary commotions and riots caused like the one above signal an inner riot where we need our own personal worth affirmed by God himself once again. 

What are some things that you put into practice when you recognize your insecurities are spilling out unto others?  Do you feel that you, like the Jews, in the above mentioned passage of scripture, have to be the center-point of attention? Are you willing to humble yourself and appear lesser for the sake of the kingdom of God?

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Defense Mechanisms in the Personality That Push Others Away:

Sometimes when we have un-dealt with insecurities or anxieties, we attempt to protect ourselves with defense mechanisms. I’ve seen this in some people who are close to me, and even in myself. Some people joke around more than normal when they are anxious as a defense mechanism. Sometimes, the joking may even seem annoying because it doesn’t seem to fit the situation. Others will project attention on the other person–normally in an accusatory way.

For example, a person who feels insecure in a particular area may attempt to belittle another person’s knowledge base or experience in that area if the other person appears to have it together. This takes the attention off of the person accusing and places it on the other person in conversation. In doing so, the projector feels that he has successfully protected himself, yet he remains clueless or insecure in his ability to resolve his own insecurity.

Another example is being sarcastic. The sarcastic person simply says things out of the blue that may or may not make sense and may be offensive. It also distracts from him or herself. Below I will share some things that I believe will help those who fall into defense mechanisms to protect their personalities:

Consider that you may be prideful

A prideful person is always looking to be perfect and have it all together, but the reality is that we all need help sometimes. Even God says that He gives grace to the humble. This means that it is okay to humble ourselves sharing that we may not know something or we may not have it altogether. When we practice humility allowing ourselves to be vulnerable; we gain wisdom instead of shame. The prideful person pretends to have it together and falls on his fanny.

When pride comes, then comes shame, but with humility comes wisdom. – Proverbs 11:2 (NHEB)

Return to Your Foundation in Christ at All Times 

One foundational truth that is key is the fact that we are fully accepted and fully loved. This is shown in Ephesians 1 where God discusses how he has adopted us and accepted us into the Beloved body of Christ. We are God’s beloved. We will need to often return to our foundation in order to hold up in life. When you think about a foundation, think about a house that is built on a foundation so that it can withstand any storm. God built the fact that we are fully accepted and fully loved into our DNA as believers in Christ. We should return to this often. This means that even if we make a mistake, don’t impress people, or don’t do something right, we are still loved–because God’s love is unconditional. We cannot earn it.

Having predestined us to adoption as sons by Jesus Christ to Himself, according to the good pleasure of His will,  to the praise of the glory of His grace, by which He made us accepted in the Beloved. – Ephesians 1:5-6

Trust the Community That God Gives You

If God has set you up with people who love you like him and tell you the truth; you are in a place of safety. Don’t run from this safety. Accept it. Be vulnerable with this safety trusting God to love you through these people. When your community makes a mistake forgive them and keep on going. God places people in families and communities to ensure that we are healthy. You cannot do this on your own, but with each of these tools; you will be able to overcome your coping mechanisms and begin to depend and act more from your identity in Christ.

Often those used to fighting and defending themselves also fight their communities as well instead of embracing them. When your community sees your defense mechanism; they may point it out in love. If they do so, don’t fight them. Just submit what you’ve been shown to the Lord and ask him to give you the wisdom to overcome your defense mechanism. Ask him to show you in his Word where you can build yourself up in your insecurities until they fall away completely. Your community is there to sharpen you. The more you run away from them and fight them; the more you will remain the same. God will have to use life to humble you and teach you what you could have learned in godly community.

God sets the lonely in families, he leads out the prisoners with singing; but the rebellious live in a sun-scorched land. – Psalms 68:6

Finally, Don’t React from Fear, but Faith

Don’t assume the negative. Fear and personal insecurities often cause many to assume the negative about how they are perceived by people without even having proof for the negative. This is a trick of the enemy. Remember Satan is the father of lies. He will use your insecurities to lie to you and make you believe you don’t fit anywhere or you have to work to fit. Remember your foundation. You are already accepted. Always fight the lies of the enemy with the Word of God. When he tells you; you don’t fit. Say to yourself you are already accepted. God’s word warns us to keep God’s Armour on in Ephesians 6, so we can fight the darts and irritations of the enemy. Satan wants to steal our peace with fear, but God wants to cast fear out with his perfect love. Study God’s perfect love for you. Resist the lies of the enemy.

Faith should cause you to walk into a situation with confidence knowing you are accepted and loved. Faith should cause you to walk from a standpoint of knowing who you are instead of allowing the perceptions of others to cause you to doubt. Remember the scripture says whatever is not of faith is sin (missing the mark, Romans 14:23). We open ourselves to err when we aren’t operating out of faith.

There is no fear in love. But perfect love drives out fear because fear has to do with punishment. The one who fears is not made perfect in love. – 1 John 4:18

For God has not given us a spirit of fear, but of power and of love and of a sound mind. – 1 Tim 1:7

Satan wants you to push others away because he wants to isolate and destroy you, but Christ came that you might have life and that more abundantly. Live your full abundant life!

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Forming Habits for Healthy Emotional Management – Part 1

We all have situations from time to time that causes us to go up and down in our emotions. It could be a life circumstance or often something that we did not deal with and in some cases, no reason at all that our emotions go up or down.

I’ve been listening to the audiobook from Joyce Meyer entitled, “Living Beyond Your Feelings, Controlling Your Emotions So They Don’t Control You.” In her book, she shares several insightful and key points that provide a strong foundation for controlling our emotions in any given circumstance. Below, I’ve compiled some of the points she’s made that stand out to me.

Don’t Sit in Negative Thoughts nor share with People Who Would Cause You To Sit in Negative Thoughts:

Joyce shares that when we talk about the negative circumstances too much or with the wrong people; that gets our emotions out of wack; we make ourselves feel worse. Instead, she shares that we should talk about it with God or a trusted minister, or counselor when we can no longer handle it on our own. She talked about an example of David in the Bible who went through many hard circumstances that caused him to feel several negative emotions. She said that instead of complaining as many of us do; David simply shared all of what he was feeling with the Lord. She used the scripture reference below:

O LORD, how long will you forget me? Forever?
    How long will you look the other way?
 How long must I struggle with anguish in my soul,
    with sorrow in my heart every day?
    How long will my enemy have the upper hand?
Turn and answer me, O LORD my God!
    Restore the sparkle to my eyes, or I will die.
Don’t let my enemies gloat, saying, “We have defeated him!”
    Don’t let them rejoice at my downfall.
But I trust in your unfailing love.
    I will rejoice because you have rescued me. I will sing to the LORD
    because he is good to me. – Psalms 13

Joyce points out that we do not have to deny our emotions. We just do not need to let them control our decisions. She shares how in the above, David did not deny how he felt, but he petitioned God for his grace entrusting himself into God’s hands.

Finally on releasing negative thoughts Joyce shares:

​”I believe it was spiritually and even physically healthy for David to express to God how he really felt. It was a way of releasing his negative feelings so they could not harm his inner man while he was waiting for God’s deliverance.”

Next week, will be part II of forming healthy habits to manage your emotions.

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Hey Love-Starved Girl: Always See Yourself As Worthy!

Love starved

Last night, I could not believe my eyes. I met a young man who came out of the barber shop, and stopped me from cleaning the snow off of my car as he offered to do it. He opened my door for me, and texted me later to see if I had made it home safely. He did not speak to me in any inappropriate or demeaning way, but he was happy to grace my presence and share in playing a game of chess earlier that evening.

While the gentleman and I aren’t in a relationship, nor pursuing a relationship seeing as how we just met last night; I think that is a wonderful example of how a woman should be treated and is worthy of being treated.

Recently, God has been showing me examples of men of God, who truly love and respect women. That is something that often women in my generation do not see. When a woman doesn’t see that or know that first-hand for herself, it can easily cause her faith to falter, but faith that is based on what we see is really not faith at all. (Hebrews 11:1[1], Romans 8:24[2])

When a woman’s faith falters in such a way that she does not believe that there are any good godly men out there, it can cause her to question her own worth and lower her standards to adapt to what she feels is out there. It has been a lie propagated by Satan that there aren’t any good godly men in this world, but the real problem is we have to get our eyes off of what we see, and get our eyes on trusting God, who is able to do exceedingly, abundantly, above all that we can ever ask or think. (Ephesians 3:20)

It is my prayer that those who are love starved would be covered with the love of Jesus Christ, and not only that. It is also my prayer that God would open your eyes and send examples of men to you who will not make prey of you for abuse, or any selfish or ungodly tendency. It is my prayer, that all love-starved girls would grow so close to God that they become discerning, and careful with who they allow into their lives.

Every man who sets their eyes on a woman and begins to pursue her doesn’t always have her best intentions at heart. Men who do not have a woman’s best interest at heart will notice the void of a love-starved woman, and attempt to fill that void, and it can be a temptation simply because a real and legitimate need is being met, but the ending of this type of relationship can cause a woman more harm than good.

I have been blessed to have a relationship with God at a young age. Every man that I have ever been seriously interested in, God has given me a dream about that man, and how he feels about the whole situation. God has been my covering to the point of helping me to guard my heart. The bible says to guard our hearts with all diligence because out of it flows the issues of life. (Proverbs 4:23)

The things and people that you allow to get close to your heart will affect your whole life and your outlook on life whether good or bad. That is why it is so important as a love-starved girl, to be diligent and careful with who you allow to attempt to fill the void of feeling love-starved.

If you have a relationship with God you have an advantage. You can seek God with all of your heart, and he will answer you. (Hebrews 11:6[3], Psalms 69:6[4]) When you seek God, the men who the devil would send to you to get you in a situation of dishonor where you are lowering your worth to have a man so you don’t feel lonely, unloved, and unworthy of love, God will expose for what’s really going on and you will continue to have peace.

Just because you aren’t in a relationship at this time doesn’t mean that you are unlovable or undesirable. That is also a lie from the enemy to make you feel so out of place as if there is something wrong with you, so that you will not make a wise decision with your love life, but an unwise decision based on how you feel, instead of on God’s very best that he has for you.

Satan’s job is to steal, kill, and destroy. (John 10:10) He wants to still your inheritance of God’s best for your life. He wants to rob you of joy and peace in exchange for bitterness, hatred, and unforgiveness towards these men who don’t know who they are.

A man who doesn’t know his own worth isn’t going to treat a woman like the queen that she deserves to be treated. That’s why God provides us with discernment to know when to keep our distance from certain men, guard our hearts, and pray for them from a good distance because as an old youth pastor of mine told me when I was talking to a guy who wasn’t right for me, “You don’t want to get caught up in no mess.”

We cannot allow the voids that we feel in our lives to make us easy prey for mess. We have to seek God in prayer, fasting, and study of his word on how to deal with those voids in the most healthy ways.

Sometimes, as women we ignore the examples that God places in our lives to cover us and build our faith in knowing that there are good, reputable, and godly men around because we are stuck on someone who isn’t worth our time. So, also pray that your eyes would be open to upright, godly, and healthy relationships with men whether it is a family member, male-friend, teacher or leader of some sort.

The point is we don’t want our faith to be damaged by the ungodly men that we see to the point where we lower our standards with no hope of God’s best for us. This can cause us to settle for what’s only available right now. I pray that you would realize that you are worthy of God’s best for you no matter what you have been told, or how you have been treated.

God is faithful in every way to protect our hearts because he values and loves us very dearly beyond measure. I’m a witness. He is jealous over us, and whatever he can do to protect us he will. We need to only come to him. God is able to cover and fill a love-starved heart.

Update on the gentleman from the barbershop. It’s 2023 now. The gentleman and I attempted to become friends who just enjoyed one another’s company. However, there was a serious character issue that consistently separated us as friends and prohibited us from becoming more than friends. Because the serious character issue went unaddressed for years, I’ve not been in communication with this brother. We are Facebook and Instagram friends, but no longer talk on the phone or meetup for dates.

I am clear that I need a man of character who shares my values. This firm foundation of who I am in my thirties and now at 40 has protected me. I’ve gone through the feelings of feeling love starved. It is just that–a feeling. It isn’t the truth. I find love in my healthy community of friends, family, and associates.

Always worthy of love is how I see myself at 40. I consistently tell myself the truth of my worth and acknowledge any feelings I have. Living in a place of confidence and self-worth allows me to continue to only make myself available to quality gentlemen. There is more support now for singles with more access to podcasts, dating apps, and other places of community like Facebook Groups, Join Singles Living for Christ for monthly Zoom events and other freebies to assist you in this walk.

Don’t ever see yourself as love starved. You are God’s daughter. You are an answer to quality men, who still value women like you. You have a responsibility to yourself, God, and others to see yourself properly. This will result in you making the healthiest decisions in life and love for yourself. When you make a mistake, you are still valuable and worthy of love. Just be responsible enough to own your mistake and make corrections.

Let’s no longer be shocked when a guy treats us with respect. Let’s practice discernment in knowing ourselves and choosing those who compliment who we are.

Download the anti-anxiety prayer guide for singles to help with feelings of anxiety because of extended singleness.

[1]  Now faith is the substance of things hoped for, the evidence of things not seen. Hebrews 11:1 (KJV)

[2] For we are saved by hope: but hope that is seen is not hope: for what a man seeth, why doth he yet hope for? Romans 8:24 (KJV)

[3] But without faith it is impossible to please him: for he that cometh to God must believe that he is, and that he is a rewarder of them that diligently seek him. (KJV)

[4] Let not those who wait and hope and look for You, O Lord of hosts, be put to shame through me; let not those who seek and inquire for and require You [as their vital necessity] be brought to confusion and dishonor through me, O God of Israel. Psalms 69:6 (Amplified Version)

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