Category: Emotional/Mental Health

Healthy Boundaries in Dating Show Us Who Genuinely Cares for Us

One of the most important characteristics we need to develop to attract someone for us is our ability to set healthy boundaries that keep our personal identity intact. Keeping our identity intact is a part of our wholeness. Wholeness is another word for healthy, whole, complete and unbroken. It doesn’t mean we are perfect, but we have enough stability and sobriety resulting in the clarity needed to make decisions that lead to health and wholeness for ourselves. Setting healthy boundaries while dating helps to provide greater safety and security along with the closeness we desire while getting to know others.

Setting healthy boundaries extends to our emotional stability as well. When we’ve embraced proper boundaries, we value ourselves and protect ourselves, and require others to do the same. The person who respects our boundaries and values us as much as we have shown that we value ourselves will be someone that we may want to consider keeping around.

An Expert Had the Below to Say

Stephanie Camins of Roadtogrowthcounseling.com shares some important things about boundaries in her article, “Setting Emotional Boundaries in Relationships.”

“Setting good personal boundaries is critical to creating healthy relationships, increasing self-esteem, and reducing stress, anxiety, and depression. Boundaries protect your personal self by setting a clear line between what is me and what is not me. A lack of boundaries opens the door for others to determine your thoughts, feelings, and needs. Defining boundaries is a process of determining what behavior you will accept from others and what you will not.”

I would encourage you to follow the link and read the entire article as it shares some basic boundaries that everyone has. I love that she bought out the fact that those without boundaries open the door for others to determine thoughts, feelings, and needs instead of requiring your own thoughts feelings, and needs and getting those. Could this be why some of us may be disappointed in our dating because we aren’t setting clear boundaries for ourselves before we get into a dating relationship or any relationship for that matter?

Many women have been socialized into thinking that passivity and conformity in relationships is the only option for women, but this outlook can easily cause us to lose ourselves in dating and cause us to avoid practicing the proper discernment to qualify the right man for us. Each of us has a right to qualify someone who will genuinely care for who we are at the core. Therefore, we have to maintain who we are at the core by setting the proper boundaries to protect who we are.

Boundaries Protect Our Values

Boundaries protect our values. Our values are the core beliefs that make us who we are. If I value rest; I will set a boundary to go to bed at an appropriate time to maintain my rest and energetic attitude. If I value getting my hair done; I will set a boundary to allocate money within my budget to be able to get my hair done. If I value intimacy with God; I will schedule my dates or phone time around my intimate time with God and not in place of. If I value the clarity that comes with not being physically involved too soon; I will communicate that at the proper time to my partner and it should be respected and acted upon accordingly.

Someone only interested in pushing or removing your boundaries may be selfish and may not genuinely care about you at all. Remember what the Bible says about love: Love is not self-seeking (1 Cor 13:5.) They may only care about transforming you into the image of what they want in their mind. We need to be honest with ourselves when we are dating someone who doesn’t match our values and thus doesn’t respect our boundaries that protect our values.

It’s okay to pass on them so that our identities and self-worth can remain intact. We should never degrade or devalue ourselves to be in a relationship with someone. I ask the question in my book, The Wholeness Action Plan: Do we love ourselves the way that we expect someone else to love us? Receiving the right love in our lives first starts with our decision to love ourselves. Meditate on the love chapter of 1 Corinthians 13 and ask yourself if you love yourself in each of the ways mentioned. If not get to work on loving you.

Once Your Healthy Boundaries are Set You’ll Need to Stick to Them:

Once our boundaries are set; we need to stick to them. If we do not stick to our boundaries that we set; we will confuse those seeking to be in a relationship with us. I shared a story in my book: Patterns of the Heart: Discernment in Choosing a Potential Spouse of a couple named Tavia and Terrell. They both had different values but continued to date. After Terrell attempted to change Tavia’s boundaries of saving sexual intimacy for later. The couple split up. The truth was they could not continue in the relationship unless one person yielded their boundaries to the other, but because the boundary that Tavia had had a specific goal to honor her relationship with God she could not continue in the relationship and still be herself. She would have had to become someone else that she was not willing to be.

The same was true of Terrell who had a personal value to please himself in the relationship without considering God. He would have had to become someone he was not also to continue with Tavia. If we want to be loved for who we genuinely are we have to genuinely be ourselves. Terrell met someone with the same values as him and now he is married. Likewise, Tavia in the book met someone with similar values as her. Because the values matched; the boundaries were respected and a healthy bond grew. This is what I want and this is why I’ve committed to myself to be myself maintaining the boundaries that allow me to do so.

Amos 3:3 – How can two walk together except they are agreed.

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5 Reasons Why Kevin Samuels Teachings are Dangerous for Women

While we live in this world we are not to live as those of the world’s system. As believers, we operate according to a different system and that system is the kingdom of God. This means as believers we have to be discerning about the wisdom and knowledge that we take in as it will either lead us to continue on the straight and narrow path or to veer off the path. The things that Kevin Samuels teaches on his YouTube channel can very easily lead many away especially women.

Sadly, many women are seeking advice from a father type figure, yet everyone who attempts to fill that role doesn’t have the heart of a father to protect, provide, and act as a priest—one who leads people to Christ and the full life God has for his people. Below are 5 reasons I believe Kevin Samuel’s teachings are dangerous for single women.

He encourages women to devalue themselves

At a woman’s core, she desires security. Many men interpret this to mean financial security, but this will differ depending on the woman. In most cases, when dealing with a whole mature woman, she is secure when she is with a man who genuinely values her, is willing to love her, protect her, and cherish her. God has given women the right to practice discernment in communicating with a brother and vetting him for marriage if she so chooses; however, that right is gravely diminished for women who follow Kevin Samuel’s teachings. This process should be rushed according to Kevin because a woman should be elated that a “high-value man” took interest in her. Thus, by the 3rd date, she needs to gap her legs open for sex to repay the man. At that point, the man will decide if the woman is someone he can choose for a spouse.

God’s word shares that when we commit these sexual acts outside of marriage, we sin against ourselves. We are opening ourselves up to become one with someone who may or may not want to proceed further with us. This type of behavior requires a woman to become cold and bitter if she continues to endure this type of treatment from men. It requires her to put off her natural needs to be loved to be used. Men are excused of responsibility in this scenario because they are high-value. They make so much money that women should just be cool with this behavior according to Kevin.

However, women have a responsibility to protect themselves. This means ladies that if a man isn’t valuing you enough to protect you; you have to protect yourself. You are not obligated to sacrifice your peace of mind on the altar of a “high-value man.” Women who follow Kevin’s teachings are taught to idolize the high-value man at their own expense. Something the Bible clearly warns against.

See 1st Corinthians 6:18

He fails to give grace and mercy to single mothers

Out of all of the women, the high-value man should be able to become sexually involved with it should be the single mother according to Kevin’s videos. There is a greater demand and expectation for the single mother to be easy when it comes to a high-value man because she is looked at as having already been sexually active; thus, she should not have a problem continuing her previous behavior with the high-value man. After all, no high-value man wants a single mom when other younger women are available with no kids. This is simply manipulation. It’s a mind-trick to make the single mother believe that she is somehow less worthy of waiting until marriage to have sex because she’s done it in her past. Does this sound familiar to any of my readers? This sounds like condemnation—a trick that Satan pulls on God’s children to convince them to continue in sin because they’ve already sinned in the past. There is no redemption for the single mom according to Kevin. If the high-value man cannot count on any woman for sex, for sure, he should be able to count on the single mom. She should be so desperate and thankful that a high-value man chose her that she should be ready. Why does such a high-value man need to manipulate a woman to get her to want him? Why can’t he just present himself as an awesome guy and court the woman according to her standards and the woman of her own accord decides to give her hand to him in marriage and surrender herself to him including her body? This is because the high-value man excuses himself of working on himself. He hides behind the fact that he has money hoping that will draw a woman to him who agrees with his behavior. This is similar to a pimp, who breaks a woman down, sends her out on the street to do the dirty work, and collects the money from her. It’s irresponsible and not characteristic behavior of a suitable husband. In other words, the high-value man, like a pimp, puts the woman at greater risk by pimping her to men who do not value her and he receives the benefit. Do you see the correlation?

Even God himself humbled himself and he is the highest value man there ever was to win the favor of his bride—the church. He displayed his desire for the church by having mercy on her not holding her sin against her, but forgiving her, protecting her, and covering her with his covenant. God’s bride in turn willingly submits to him and God doesn’t have to beg for what he wants. We are willing in light of God’s goodness toward us. This is the type of relationship we ought to seek to have. This is the type of relationship we are worthy of—someone who values us as God does—someone who loves us like Christ.

Therefore, I urge you, brothers and sisters, in view of God’s mercy, to offer your bodies as a living sacrifice, holy and pleasing to God–this is your true and proper worship. – Romans 12:1

He encourages men to draw their value and worth from the amount of money they make

A high-value man is a man who makes six figures. Supposedly, this is the man that all of us women are supposed to want. This man dresses nice and can have his pick of the best of the bunch. I shared earlier how if the main thing a man has to bring to the table is just his money and not integrity, well-developed character, a fear for God, direction, love, care, humility then the high-value man isn’t worth much to many women when it comes to choosing a marriage partner. Money can buy a body, but it cannot buy love. Money cannot keep a relationship together for 40 years. There are women out there who would be open to a relationship based on money and not love. Perhaps that is the audience he is targeting. It should not be the church and those of us in the church should not value a man off of his money alone.

The Responsibility for Marriages to work seems to be placed on the women and not both the men and women

This point I’ve noted from my male friends who listen to Kevin Samuels as though he is speaking for them and defending them from all of the rejection they’ve ever faced from a woman in their lives. An emphasis is placed on the low marriage rate in the Black community and the high incidence of single motherhood. Feminism and the advances that came because of feminism are the culprits behind this they say. Thus, Black women need to get with the available brothers to bridge this gap. Women of old before the advances of the feminist movement were able to get married young and marriages stayed together for a long time they say.

My thoughts: First, it cannot be assumed that women are single because they are feminists. I do not know any feminist women single or married. These are assertions that are assumed of women without having a conversation with them which is disrespectful. What many women are aware of are the positive aspects of living in 2021 as a woman. We can go to work as women and make enough money to take care of ourselves which eliminates one of the main reasons women of the old school got married which was to leave their parent’s home.

The requirements to gain a wife have gotten higher since the 1950s. Men have to bring more than money to the table. Women have to be genuinely interested in the man. This is good for both sides because both the man and the woman have an opportunity to have the peace of mind that someone is choosing them for them and not their money. This is true if we vet people well. This isn’t a bad thing. It simply requires more effort on both sides, not just one side.

The responsibility for marriages to work should not simply be placed on the woman. This is a huge turn-off to feminine women when a man wants her to take responsibility for herself and him instead of him taking responsibility for his role in a potential relationship as well.

Another important note is as women became freer to work and to vote and have a respectable place in society; domestic violence has decreased. This is in part because women aren’t staying in those scenarios as much as they used to because the man was the provider and the woman could not take care of the children financially on her own. Again, another positive aspect of the women’s suffrage movement. Finally, it’s not a woman’s job to take on a savior complex for the Black community to lend herself out to a man she isn’t interested in to save the marriage rate in the Black community. A woman’s standards should be respected enough to make herself available to the gentleman of her choice. Period!!!!

He takes away or doesn’t respect a woman’s right to choose for herself

Kevin was in a video I viewed on Instagram telling a woman that she should not be attracted to her potential husband or suitor. It’s not about her but him. She is the attractive one. This is in line with the woman being treated like a trophy wife. A trophy wife is there for appearances. She simply makes the man look good so he has bragging rights to other men on how he was able to bag her―this reeks of emptiness. This type of relationship is only one-sided. Only the man gets the benefit he desires and the woman gets to feel like she is on parade. Does she get love? Perhaps not. Does she get exclusivity? Perhaps not. A woman’s desires, needs, and vision for her life are important too. No woman will get what she needs by caving into chauvinistic selfish men. We have to hold up standards for ourselves. Our standards protect us. If a man doesn’t meet your most valued standards; move on. You have a right as a woman to do so.

Any man who treats you like you are his property because he is a man and you are a woman and thus you need to fall in line isn’t worthy of you. He simply doesn’t respect you. There seems to be an entitlement spirit with Kevin and his audience of men because they have money. Healthy relationships are built on a foundation of mutual respect, not one party controlling the other. Control is normally a trait of the insecure. A person is so insecure and full of fear that they make extra concessions to ensure things will work out as they wish. If the high-value man is so valuable, why does he have to control what a woman does? Why does he have to trick her―manipulating her out of her values? This is witchcraft and mind control. The Bible is clear that rebellion is as the sin of witchcraft. Don’t rebel against your God-given values and standards for yourself due to witchcraft and mind control from others. Remember our boundaries and values we set up to protect us. They also show us who genuinely cares about us and who only wants to use us. Without proper values, we are like desperate men groping and grappling for stability. People who abandon their values live in a broken place.

Add a woman has a right to choose without providing an explanation why she did not choose a particular gentleman. A woman doesn’t have to say yes or welcome a guy’s attention she isn’t interested in and that should be respected just like a man’s choice should be respected. If a woman isn’t attracted to a brother, she doesn’t have to pretend she is.

I could go on. Many of Kevin’s teachings for men are rooted in narcissism, which is such a self-indulged way of thinking that satisfies one’s self-indulgence does so at the expense of others—particularly women. We cannot raise strong families on narcissistic, chauvinistic thinking. Both men and women need to be treated like two equal parties in Christ who value one another and the unique aspects of manhood and femineity that complement one another. Men and women were made together in the image of God to complement one another while honoring God—not to fight against each other. None of Kevin’s ungodly doctrine should be championed in the church or among church circles. Simply put it’s dangerous and reckless.

Nevertheless, neither is the man without the woman, neither is the woman without the man, in the Lord. For as the woman is of the man, even so, is the man also by the woman; but all things of God. – 1 Corinthians 11:11-12

Simply put, both men and women need each other. We should be working on humbling ourselves to one another to become one instead of fighting against one another and pointing the finger. It only breeds further division.

Disclaimer: This is a Christian blog. Therefore, I cannot allow comments that demean a person based on their ethnicity, race, gender, familial status, single status or has provocative language such as using four letter words. Thank you for being respectful with your comments!

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Remember to Practice Self-Care

Self-care is super important in general because it allows us to be healthy individuals when we take care of ourselves. This is why the Bible shares as the greatest commandment for us to love God with all of our hearts, and to love our neighbors as we love ourselves.

It’s even harder to take care of and love ourselves when we are responsible for taking care of other people that we love such as our parents. Care-takers, in general, often find it hard to balance taking care of themselves and others.

Studies show that after a loved one passes; care-takers left behind should get checked out at the hospital because often they’ve neglected themselves and may need to ensure they are still healthy. With millennials coming into more maturity and responsibility as adults by taking care of others and their affairs below are some things to do to assist in practicing self-care.

Be Open to re-evaluating & Adjusting Your Schedule
Recently, I’ve readjusted my schedule so that I can work out regularly instead of the here and there that I’d been doing since my mom moved in with me and my dad passed. Time management sometimes needs to be readjusted when circumstances in life change. Start by praying to God that he would show you how to readjust your time.

Prioritize what is important to you. Set goals to accomplish what is important to you. For example, you may need to ask for help or utilize an assistance program such as an adult daycare to allow your senior parents to be around other adults during the day where they can make friends. Ask family members for help when you want to go hang out if your parent cannot be alone. Where there is a will there is a way. Consider readjusting your time and plan to implement your readjustments.

Re-Commit to Maintain Your Health
Don’t stop doing the things that keep you healthy and make you smile. Keep a healthy routine. Establishing a healthy routine creates the habit of practicing good health. Things that should be in a healthy routine should be maintaining an early bed-time, limiting digital devices, and social media, meal-prepping healthy meals, and consistent exercise—at least 3 days per week at 30 mins. Also, getting fresh air, going for walks, and intaking vitamin D are all a part of a healthy routine. Finally, maintaining a healthy social network with others who value us for who we are. These all contribute to our physical, mental, social, and emotional health.

They also contribute to the overall enjoyment of life. If you enjoy dancing, dance, cycling, cycle, cooking, cook, being hospitable making others feel at home, do that. Prioritize some things you like to do for your self-care and personal health. Don’t forget to have quiet time and your favorite hot coffee, tea, or cocoa. Don’t forget to get a facial, wax, or anything that makes you feel beautiful. I like to take at least one day per week to do full-face make-up on myself. I may just take pictures and experiment with new lighting. These are some clear examples of self-care.

Do not Become so Busy that You are a Stranger to Your Family/Friends, but also Set Boundaries at Times: We need that time with our family. It settles us and reminds us we belong somewhere. It does the same for them especially as our parents get older. If they have not established life outside of the hustle and bustle of taking care of family and home; they may be confused as to what to do next or how to enjoy where they are. The check-ins of their children help to minister to their needs and refresh them in their worth. It’s so important.

Consider your social life. Have you checked-in with anyone. Does someone know you’re still alive, safe, and not depressed? I understand we’ve got goals and we want to grind, and there is a time and place for that, but there is also a time and place for rest and the joys of fellowship. Someone misses you and deep down, I’m sure you miss someone else. Create an opportunity to enjoy your family and friends. Don’t pass up on every invitation, but say yes to some fun adventures with friends and family.

Self-care also includes things like having the right perspective of yourself, forgiveness, thankfulness and such. Read more about this in my book: “The Wholeness Action Plan.“

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Ladies: Your Voice is Important!

Last year I had a conversation with my therapist about the difference in being assertive and aggressive. We as Black women often get the bill for the latter. We’re often looked at as aggressive due to the color of our skin rather than how we present ourselves. We’re often looked at as rough, rugged, loud, or abrasive instead of soft women, who desire vulnerability and are worthy of love.
When fighting against stereotypes placed on us; it can become difficult to simply be yourself.

You may be afraid to speak up when appropriate due to how you may appear. If perceived incorrectly by the wrong person; you may fear being alone or being misunderstood further, but we have to get past that. We have to grow past the point of how we are perceived by others to be our genuine selves.

Knowing the difference in being aggressive and being assertive can help with that. Otherwise, if we simply ignore developing in who we are and how we express ourselves to appease others; we may become passive. A person, who is not developed in her personality operates out of passivity hiding the beauty of the gift of all God has made her to be. I want to encourage all of my readers no matter the color that your voice is important and it must be shared.

Below are some tips my therapist pointed out about being assertive versus aggressive. An assertion is simply the ability to communicate a position or statement respectfully. An assertion comes from a place of genuine confidence. Whereas, aggression comes from a place of insecurity and fear. It leads to forcefully seeking to control an argument, person, or circumstance. Aggressive people are self-seeking, loud, and manipulative. This is unnecessary to get a point across.

An assertion is the opposite. A person who asserts themselves will not do so at the expense of others but will consider others in the process. An assertive person is one who operates according to the scripture of first loving themselves and out of that others. They consider others as they would themselves, while not drawing back in fear. They say what needs to be said and do what needs to be done.

I think a lot of us learned in the church and maybe even our homes that the appropriate place for a woman and her voice is passivity. However, a passive lifestyle is not a fulfilling lifestyle nor is it God-honoring. A passive person will not stand up for one’s self nor step out in faith. Instead of developing into herself; she makes her decisions around appeasing others at her own expense. It’s not God’s will for us as women to be passive or aggressive. It’s God’s will for us to assert the full beauty of the women He’s made us into. We have the gift of being soft and yet bold, ambitious, and yet powerful enough to assert the right tone. We have God-given wisdom to share. We are feminine. We are women and our voices as well as our feelings matter.

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One Way to Stay Sane During Remote Work & Quarantine:

Many of us are working from home, taking care of kids or elders, running businesses among other things during quarantine and it seems like our responsibilities have increased. All of our responsibilities have meshed together and in that, we can easily forget to get our proper rest. We have to purpose to get the necessary rest our mind and bodies need.

Rest is so important and comes with so many benefits. When we rest, we allow our bodies to heal themselves. We protect our mental and emotional health and become more creative due to proper rest. The Center for Disease Control recommends 7 hours or more of sleep per night for adults 18 and up. However, in the culture, there is a glorification of no sleep or limited sleep. There’s almost an expected badge of honor for not properly taking care of ourselves due to being productive or busy.

Believe me, I’m all for working and productivity, but the truth be told, there is a time for it. There is a time for work and a time for rest. God modeled this by creating the world in 6 days and on the 7th day resting. This is part of the importance of obeying the Sabbath day, which is a day of rest. It allows us to rest from our work, have the necessary quiet time, and to remember the Lord.

Prioritizing rest consistently within our schedules allows us to be more creative, impactful, and purposeful when we do work. We don’t have to work so long when we are rested because we don’t make as many careless mistakes. Our bodies also become more resistant to diseases that thrive in restless bodies like heart disease, type 2 diabetes, and more.

As a creative, I’ve experienced being overwhelmed by being over-committed to more than I could handle at one time. During those times, I can remember getting sick more. I remember one time I could not shake what I thought was a cold. I’d lost my voice and everything. When I visited the doctor, I found out I had an upper respiratory infection. I had to go on antibiotics to finally shake it. That was years ago. I’ve never become sick like that again since my schedule has been re-adjusted and I’ve prioritized rest.

I’ve personally seen members in my family who’ve struggled with mental illness become triggered in their mental illness when the proper rest was lacking, and I’ve also watched the same family heal when proper rest was restored with a safe and consistent routine that allows for stability and rest. Rest is just as important as work. Without the two, we will become sick, less sharp mentally, emotionally, and it will be harder to hear the Lord due to a lack of quietness in our spirits.

When we lack rest and constantly run, run, and run some more, we experience a lack of peace, quietness, reflection, and stillness that awakens us to creativity, ideas, and a unique passion to tackle life in the most committed, engaging, and joyful way. Commit to rest today. Commit to being the best you. Choose one day out of the week where you will not do any work except for a relaxing passion project.

Our phones can help us to prioritize rest. There are helpful apps that can remind us to go to bed at the same time each night and to turn off our electronics at a certain time. I use the Rally Health app. There are so many others out there. Once we develop a routine of rest, we will, in turn, develop a routine of success in every area of our lives.

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Does God Want Us to Put Up With Abuse?

Have you ever been involved in an altercation that seemed so unnecessary as if someone was striving with you without cause? Of course, you have, and if you have not, you eventually will. This is just an inevitable part of life. Some misunderstandings naturally occur, and sometimes others simply take out what is going on with them on you because you’re the nearest target. Or perhaps, they’ve taken out things on you in the past and you have not spoken up about it, but you simply went to your prayer closet and prayed for the individual.

Thus, in the person’s mind, who abused you; you are a likely candidate to take frustrations out on because you will not stand up for yourself and thus you appear to be a superhuman who can weather any normally unwelcome attacks. This is abuse and a misuse of treating someone in a way we’d like ourselves to be treated.

So, what should we do? Should we embrace the abuse in hopes that the person will change? Should we offer ourselves to endure more abuse or should we back away, regather and recoup our sense of pride and respect as a human being?

When we read scriptures like the below; I think we can misinterpret it to mean that God wants us to simply put up with abuse. As an older person, I cannot be sure that is what that scripture means:

But I tell you, do not resist an evil person. If anyone slaps you on the right cheek, turn to them the other cheek also. And if anyone wants to sue you and take your shirt, hand over your coat as well. – Matthew 5:39-40

Also
You have heard that it was said, “Love your neighbor and hate your enemy. But I tell you, love your enemies and pray for those who persecute you. That you may be children of your Father in heaven. He causes his sun to rise on the evil and the good and sends rain on the righteous and the unrighteous. – Matthew 5:44-45

First, I don’t believe the Word of God is saying that we should simply put up with abusive behavior. I do believe God is requiring us to have a level of endurance and patience with people who have become hard to deal with as He has done as our heavenly father. He has not cut us off due to our bad behavior, yet allows us mercy in allowing his sun to shine on us daily despite whether we have earned it or not.

Being able to endure, show mercy, and have patience with a person who is hard to deal with will require our expectation to be realistic realizing that it is going to take some signing up for—some endurance, and some commitment not to simply leave our neighbor due to where they are at.
Have you dealt with such a rude person, but you knew it wasn’t that they were just rude, but it was because they were simply immature? Misunderstandings are inevitable with those who are immature. Some things the immature just will not be able to perceive because they’re too immature. We have to be willing to some degree to endure the process with them to foster healthy relationships that bring God glory.

Putting up with abuse isn’t the point. Enduring through the process of healing is. This process is for situations where this is possible. If you are in fear of your life due to an abuser who threatens your life or well-being; Then yes, please leave that situation. This blog post is for people who endure what feels like unnecessary attacks by others for seeming no reason, and the attacks come from people that are placed in our lives by God for relationships such as in-laws, family, and genuine friends, yet these people feel like enemies. It could be anyone that God has placed in our lives to show his love to despite the ugly part of them. We all have an ugly part to us that God chose to love into something beautiful.

However, to do this, we have to build ourselves up in our inner man. See 1 Peter 3:1-5.

The scriptures discuss a relationship between two people in a marriage. The woman is a believer and the man is not. However, they are in a life-long covenant before God. Thus, they are tied together but because of their differing beliefs, there will be inevitable conflict. This will be a drain on the woman testing her patience. She has two options:

  1. Berate her husband due to her disappointment with where he is at.
  2. Remain gentle in spirit and love allowing her patience and consistent respect for him despite his weakness to convict him of her God―drawing him to the truth.

We have all probably done both because we are human. We try to be patient, endure, cover, and respect that person who seems impossible to deal with, and other times, we simply aren’t in the mood to put up with what we see as unnecessary abuse.

God provides a secret in this scripture on how to deal with such a situation. He tells the woman to attend to herself by saying when he shares that she should adorn herself. To adorn means to put on or to dress. God wants us to dress our spirit-man in the things that make us healthy. The scripture is clear that it isn’t referencing outward adornment as in makeup or dazzling hairstyles. It means her spirit. God wants us to know that our spirit is important too. He isn’t only trying to use us to win someone else to him, but he wants us healthy as well. It’s of more value to God for us to be healthy than to be shriveled up due to the abuse of someone else (See vs. 4).

Adorning: An apt and harmonious arrangement or constitution, order, government. Ornament, decoration, adornment i.e. the arrangement of the stars, “the heavenly hosts, as the ornament of the heavens (Thayer Definition.)

That’s pretty deep that the word for adorning in the Greek Thayer dictionary means a peaceful arrangement in essence. God wants our spirits to be in a peaceful order—undisturbed by others. It’s only when we’re in that state that we can genuinely endure the process of a relationship that is in its rough edges. We can only do this while we’re built up. If we aren’t built up in a moment, we may need to step away to avoid unnecessary escalation.

For example:

“This is not a good time to talk, can we reschedule this?”

“I have not eaten today; can we discuss this after dinner?

The above examples are someone giving themselves the time and space to recuperate or build up their strength to have the endurance to face the other person without stepping into a realm of cursing them out or being evil and spiteful toward them.

Further, God warns the husband in the scenario to practice patience and wisdom when dealing with his wife. The idea of praying for our enemies and blessing them is not a one-sided thing. God is at work on both sides (vs.7.)

The bible says something about how blessing our enemies, praying for them, and being kind to them will allow us to reap coals of hot burning fire over their heads. This is said to be a practice in Egypt of repentance, which is to have a change of heart and mind or to turn away. Eventually, the one that we are enduring with by not cutting him/her off or canceling him/her due to their rude behavior will become convicted of our consistency in love and commitment toward them and they will change. I will say this is a hard one to walk out, but with the help of the Holy Spirit; all things are possible. I’m walking this out personally in my life and I pray that others will do the same.

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Vulnerability as a Doorway to Relationships and Living Fully:

Vulnerability is exposing ourselves to the possibility of being hurt. Vulnerability, according to Chip Dodd, is the doorway to living fully in relationships. He used as an example a child who naturally expresses each of their emotions acknowledging when they feel happy, sad, scared, and other emotions.   Chip also bought out the point that we can only live fully in relation to others.

When we cling to barriers like pride; it acts against our ability to be vulnerable and to live fully by hiding our hunger for relationships. It makes us wear a face that keeps others away instead of inviting them in. While this may be useful in keeping the wrong people away; it’s also keeping the right relationships from coming into our lives.

The way out of this trap is to begin to tell the truth about how we really feel. Chip shared a revelation of the word confession as it relates to the below scripture in the Bible:

Confess your faults one to another, and pray one for another, that ye may be healed. The effectual fervent prayer of a righteous man availeth much. – James 5:16

Confess, in the above scripture, means to fest up to being human as shared by Chip. To be human means acknowledging we aren’t God. We’re in need. We long and we feel, desire, and hope for things. Simply put, confession is when we begin telling the truth about being human and quit trying to pretend we’re otherwise.

I bought up the example of how many single women use ambition to cover up their desire to become vulnerable. We focus on being successful outwardly; while needing healing and vulnerability inwardly. This type of lack of vulnerability leads to Isolation which becomes like a dangerous prison.
However, we all as human beings go through spaces like this at various times in our lives, and God’s word promises to take away the cold hardened heart that caused us to lack genuine vulnerability and to give us a more pliable heart made of flesh.

I will give you a new heart and put a new spirit in you; I will remove from you your heart of stone and give you a heart of flesh. – Ezekiel 36:26

God makes this promise to us in the below scripture and He gives us his grace to get out there again as people who are willing to be vulnerable and take the risk of knowing others. God’s word warns us that people perish and plans fall for the want of the proper wisdom and knowledge.

In Chip Dodd’s book, “The Voice of the Heart.” You’ll find the wisdom and knowledge to live life fully by understanding and embracing the emotions of our hearts in a God-honoring way.
Watch the full video below for more wisdom from Author, Christian Psychologist and Counselor Chip Dodd. Also, get Chip Dodd’s book, “The Voice of the Heart” by clicking here: Click here

Full interview of Author, Christian Psychologist, and Counselor Chip Dodd on his book Voice of the Heart and Vulnerability:

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Doing Anger Well:

Doing anger well is when we’re angry and we choose not to sin while expressing our anger. This is indeed possible or else God’s word would not have said to be angry and do not sin.

What are some of the ways that we express our anger while sinning? Getting outside of character cursing or belittling someone instead of getting to the root of the problem. Also, acting in rage which could lead to more serious things like murder.

The idea is to use anger to our advantage. Chip Dodd, Author and Psychologist shares in his book, Patterns of the Heart that anger reveals our passions and what’s important to us. In other words, we aren’t angry just for the sake of being angry, but there are deeper concerns that we have that need to be addressed or heard. Our frustration shown in anger is simply a manifestation of not dealing with the deeper issue.

For example, recently I’d taken my mom to a doctor’s appointment and when we’d gotten there, we were greeted with the news that she was not on the schedule. We were also asked questions that made me feel interrogated as though, I just walked into the office with my mom without following the established protocol.

I became upset and was visibly angry. I shared my concern of how I felt that they made a mistake and would not acknowledge it, but acted as if they were doing my mom a favor to squeeze her in and the kicker was that the scheduler lied saying I’d cancelled before-hand and cancelled the appointment. Thus, the manager of the facility tried to scold me as if I was the one lying.

I did not curse or belittle the woman whom I felt interrogated me as though I was lying. I simply stayed focused on the main grievance. Everything else is a distraction. After, I felt I did not get anywhere with her, I asked for her bosses’ info to write a letter. I was angry.

Finally, the woman came back and apologized saying she’d thought about what I’d said. The apology came after I showed her the call-log from the conversations I’d had with the scheduler. Even though I was right regarding the situation, had I acted out of character, the main issue would have never been resolved. Instead, I would have created an even bigger issue.

Thus, doing anger well, is a challenge of discipline and self-control to deal with the underlying issue at hand and get that resolved in order to put the anger to rest. When viewing anger as Chip Dodd says, it causes us to look at anger in a more positive way when used correctly; it can lead to greater understanding and more connected relationships.

Finally, the Bible gives us wisdom in sharing the below:”In your anger do not sin”: Do not let the sun go down while you are still angry. – Ephesians 4:6
We should not allow too much time to pass before we deal with that underlying issue. We should seek to get it resolved before we can ponder on that anger too much allowing it to grow into more than it needs to.

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5 Questions about Mental Health Answered by Licensed Psycho Therapist

Mental health is one of those topics that is difficult for the common man to understand without proper training from an expert. Thankfully, in today’s society the topic of mental health is becoming more normalized and less stigmatized so that we can all live at our optimum health mentally. Here’s a brief interview asking 5 questions about Mental health answered to get us started learning about the topic with Psycho-Therapist Donzell Lampkins, MSW, LCSW.

How does mental illness normally occur? 

Several factors can contribute to a mental illness such as a person’s genetic makeup, temperament, environment, or social situation. Trauma, certain substances/medications, as well as medical conditions can contribute to a mental illness developing overtime. Other times, the cause is unknown, which can be difficult to accept.

questions about mental health

Can mental illness happen to anyone?

Absolutely! Mental illness doesn’t discriminate. In fact, according to NAMI, 1 in 5 U.S. adults experience mental illness each year. We all experience life so we are all susceptible to mental illness. However, we can decrease our risk by building our mental strength through developing healthy coping mechanisms, utilizing our support system, and practicing gratitude and a positive/growth mindset.

How can we help ourselves, friends, and family be healthy in this area?

The best thing we can do is acknowledge our emotions, be transparent, check on each other, seek help and encourage our loved ones to seek help.

questions about mental health

Is unforgiveness an open door to mental illness? 

I don’t know that there is direct causation, but there are correlations between unforgiveness, bitterness, and resentment with mental illness. It’s important to resolve our emotions regarding people or things that have harmed us. Forgiveness is choosing to let go of the negative emotions associated with the offense. Nonetheless, it’s not forgetting or pardoning a person for their actions. When we choose not to forgive, we’re consciously holding on to the negative emotions, which can cause a mental illness to develop due to the duration of symptoms. This results in a difficulty reducing symptoms and the negative impact on our ability to function in important areas of our life such as social relationships.

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Are there levels of mental illness?

Yes, there are. Clinically speaking. There are different types of mental illnesses with varying levels of severity ranging from mild to severe. Some mental illnesses are life long and require medication in conjunction with evidence-based therapy. Different therapeutic treatment modalities have been clinically proven to effectively treat various mental illnesses so it’s important to understand what your needs are from a therapist. 

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Freedom from the Prison of Regret

Regret is to feel sad, repentant, or disappointed over something that has happened or been done, especially a loss or missed opportunity (Google Dictionary). Dealing with regret successfully will require the application of the main points provided in my book, “The Wholeness Action Plan.”

The Wholeness Action Plan was written as a book to share how to get through hard circumstances in life that may have occurred either within or outside of our control. Some of the main points covered in the book that can assist with overcoming regret are below:

Make a choice
With regret, we have to also make a choice. We have to choose not to punish ourselves for what has already been done. Our constant replaying of an incident that led to regret or grief will only continue to make us feel sad about what has happened and what we did not do that we wish we could have done. We cannot go back into the past and change the past, but we do have the hope of changing and impacting our future. Placing ourselves in a prison of blame and bondage only makes us forget that we have a future. God has not condemned us for being human. We have to make a choice not to condemn ourselves.
Regret is another form of worrying that leads to condemnation. God is clear in his Word that His intentions are not to condemn the world, but that the world through Him would have life and that more abundantly (John 3:17, John 10:10). There is still a hopeful future for you despite the regret. Choose to use regret to learn from it. Apply what you’ve learned to your healthy and bright future. The worry of regret will not change things.

Who of you by worrying can add a single hour to your life? – Luke 12:25 (NIV)
For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the LORD, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future. – Jeremiah 29:11

Choose to forgive
We are supposed to love others as we love ourselves, right? Well, if this is true, and we’re required to forgive others; we have to also forgive ourselves. Maybe we regret that we did not do something that we should have done or maybe we did not have information in a moment of crisis that we have now. Or perhaps, we were too weak or full of anxiety to act in a crisis and we shut down. Whatever the regret is we have to choose to forgive ourselves for it. We also need to bring the area of weakness to God so He can give us strength in that area to do better next time. Life is full of challenges, situations, and experiences where we will make mistakes and we will not perform our best. Some situations we will simply just not know what to do until we get there and that’s okay. Give yourself a break. Let yourself breathe. Commit to forgiving yourself anytime the thought of regret comes up. Remind yourself that you’ve forgiven yourself and you are only moving forward from this point. File the experience as a lesson learned for the next time you face a similar challenge.

Take Responsibility
Finally, taking responsibility is the humility within us to admit we were wrong, we fell short, or maybe we dropped the ball. Again, it’s okay, because we are human, but apply what was learned from this experience to the next opportunity.
You are worth it. You are loved, and worthy of living your life in more than regret. Be free from the prison of regret to move forward and live.

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