This is a series intended to encourage the single man of God as well as the single woman of God. For men, I want them to know they are not alone and other men are with them in their struggle to contend for righteousness and rest in the Lord as a man who is single. For women, I want them to know they are not alone and there are men of God out here contending for righteousness and enduring some of the same struggles of loneliness and fighting the flesh as well. In the end, we overcome.

God provides his grace to both men and women during the wait for the right partner. This grace empowers us to live this life and see it through until the end. We have hope both while in the process of waiting and when the wait is over because it is God who sustains us. And God never leaves us nor forsakes us—not while we are in the wilderness, preparation, or in the promise. We can always trust in him to be faithful to us.

This series includes two men, one who re-committed himself to abstinence until marriage and another who was a virgin until marriage and is now married. Below is the first interview with a gentleman named Robert Jones. He is 53 years old.

Question # 1: At what point did you begin waiting until marriage to have sex?

I had a bad breakup with a woman and it was unclear if we were over. I made up my mind that I would not be with anyone until I’d gotten her back. However, she had me holding on—leading me on while talking to another gentleman that she ended up marrying.

During this process, a female friend of mine came to town and wanted to be intimate, but I shared with her I was waiting on the woman I was seeking after. At that point, she challenged me to wait until marriage for sex. I decided to do so—January of 2018.

I began dating another woman in 2018 who agreed with my choice to wait. However, one year later, the woman who’d previously agreed to wait until marriage for sex had changed her mind. She began to pressure me into sex and I gave in. My conviction to wait along with some health challenges made it difficult for me to perform and that relationship ended.

I have been back on my journey of no sex until marriage again and the health challenges I’d dealt with I’ve overcome at this point.

Robert Shared an Important Belief he held that waiting for marriage for sex to him had previously been waiting for sexual intercourse or penetration only:

Robert had gone to therapy to heal after the relationship with the woman in 2018. He also became more involved with his church. It’s through therapy and his relationship with his church pastors and brothers that he learned that fellatio and other sexual acts were also to be held back until marriage and it was not just sexual intercourse or penetration that was to be refrained from prior to marriage. Robert is now abstaining from all forms of sex prior to marriage.

Question # 2: With the women you’d previously mentioned who led you on and the other who changed her mind about waiting for sex, normally we hear about men playing these types of games and not women. How have you learned to guard your heart in dating? There isn’t a lot of talk about men guarding their hearts while dating.

Robert says that he prays to meet his future wife. He prays for protection against temptation and mainly he trusts God. He doesn’t feel that he guards his heart perse’, but he trusts God and remains open by pursuing, writing love notes, and giving in hopes of meeting that future spouse. Simply put, he relies on God to protect his heart. He focuses on giving with the belief that once he has given; it’s up to the person who has received from him to do what they will with it.

We guard our hearts by trusting God and following the wisdom and discernment that he gives us. We do not guard our hearts by practicing bitterness, pride, or unforgiveness.

One Time During Temptation

Robert shared that he’s been tempted as well. He’d allowed a woman to spend the night and she sleeps nude. They kissed and became hot and bothered, but he drew the line after that. He discussed that he was admonished by his pastor that he should not have put himself in that position. It was like leading the woman to the door and closing the door on her shutting her out. It’s good that he shut her out, but it was not wise to be there in that position. He has embraced what his pastor shared and will be implementing that going forward.

Instead, clothe yourself in the presence of the Lord Jesus Christ. And don’t let yourself think about ways to indulge your fleshy desires.

– Romans 13:14

More of our discussion on Sex

He went on to share how there are so many women out there looking for fulfillment in sex with men and when there are no morals it’s easy to use sex to hit an empty target. He shared that for so long he’d been crying out for someone to take him seriously about him wanting to settle down, but for so long no one took him seriously because of how he moved before his commitment to wait until marriage.

One of his guy friends asked him what if he waits and the sex is trash. He shut him down sharing that God doesn’t move that way. God will not give you a partner where the sex is trash. I added on further to the discussion sharing that there is also sex therapy and counseling that couples can go to get themselves on the same page so that both individuals within the marriage are sexually satisfied.

Question # 3: What has been the greatest challenges you’ve experienced since you’ve decided to do things God’s way?

The greatest challenge has been temptation and people trying to break me. Also, the enemy knowing what I like—the curves I like, height, etc. The enemy will put that specifically on your path. Also, a challenge in waiting is wondering if a particular woman will be the right one. There was another woman who was a minister that I liked, but she had a boyfriend. When she became available and unattached—she was aggressive and I do not like aggressive women. I like to put in the work.

I had to refocus on waiting and trusting God. One of my favorite scriptures:

He says, “Be still, and know that I am God; I will be exalted among the nations,

I will be exalted in the earth.

– Psalms 46:10

Russelyn added to the discussion about trusting God further:

This is what the Lord says: “Cursed is the one who trusts in man,

    who draws strength from mere flesh

    and whose heart turns away from the Lord.

That person will be like a bush in the wastelands;

    they will not see prosperity when it comes.

They will dwell in the parched places of the desert,

    in a salt land where no one lives. “But blessed is the one who trusts in the Lord,

    whose confidence is in him.

They will be like a tree planted by the water

    that sends out its roots by the stream.

It does not fear when heat comes;

    its leaves are always green.

It has no worries in a year of drought

    and never fails to bear fruit.”

– Jeremiah 17:5-8

The above scripture speaks of how sometimes we place our trust in things and people. We can do this when opening ourselves up to the wrong relationships. Opening ourselves up to the wrong relationships and trusting in the wrong things causes us to become jaded to the point where we cannot recognize when good shows up. A godly man can be standing right in front of us and at that point, because we’ve placed our trust in the wrong things, we will not recognize it nor respond appropriately. However, the one who places their trust in the Lord will be able to see good when it comes and will bring forth the expectation that s/he had been trusting God for.

Question # 4: What has been the greatest benefit for doing things God’s way?

Firstly, this interview. I could never imagine someone wanted to hear my testimony on a blog. Also, the people I’ve met—those who cannot believe that a Black man is seeking to discipline himself to honor God in this arena. When people see the authenticity of what I am trying to do they are surprised.

In short, it’s opened the door for meeting people who share my values—this has given me a greater opportunity to experience settling down in the love relationship that I desire. There is a scripture in the Bible that talks about the key of David that opens doors no man can shut.

There is a young lady a friend of mine introduced me to. We’d gone to the same college so I know her, but not closely. However, we’ve been talking for a week and so far, we are looking for the same things and have the same values.

via GIPHY

Finally, I’ll say the greatest benefit is what God is doing in me. I remember praying regarding the woman I’d broken up with who I really wanted, but I prayed for strength, power, wisdom, and discernment to get over her as God prepared me for what he has for me. I’ve come a long way since then and I am grateful and I am thankful. Even when I used to be married, I’d cheated on my wife, but if I had put all of the energy I’d put into cheating into my marriage, where would I have been right now? I will not do that again. Now, with God’s help, I’ve become a one-woman man just like I am a one God man.

Russelyn shared that she believes the key of David is to have a heart after God and that opens us up to whatever God has for us. Russelyn also shared Proverbs 3:5-6 acknowledging God in all of our ways is a way to have a heart after God. It’s a way of showing reverential fear for God. Lord, I want to acknowledge you. I trust you to direct my path.

Question # 5: What can women of God do to encourage men in your position?

The hardest thing for women over 40 to do is to sit still. You know a man finds a wife. A woman sees a guy who is fine, great with his kids, successful and women think I want him, but what is his heart like? I was given information from a pastor of mine sharing that I need to ask women questions while dating like how is your spirit with God? Where are you at with God?

After applying this, I would wonder if I was talking about God too much. I had dated a woman who was a minister and she asked me if I had my own words. She felt that I was using the Bible too much and wanted me to speak less about God. It turned me off.

Russelyn shared how she’s experienced this too and it’s good to know that this doesn’t just happen to women. Many times, we feel alone when facing challenges like that, but it’s good to know that our counterparts out there are experiencing the same thing.

Sidenote: Women will have to really trust in God and rest in God to not be too thirsty when showing interest in a man. If women are too thirsty they can relinquish their role as women in being pursued by men and become the pursuer which turns manly men off.

Question # 6 As an older man of God, what are some things you are noticing among younger men that you’d like to speak to?

I have a 21-year-old nephew and my brother and I, his dad, were promiscuous. That affected their relationship because his dad still is and he places the women over his son. I divorced my ex-wife because she did not care for my children and my nephew shared that he wished his father would do the same thing for him.

What I would say to a younger man is that the conquest is not the woman’s body, but her mind and her heart. You love the mind and the heart and the body, in the right timing, will submit to you (right timing meaning the covenant of marriage.) It’s like submitting to God. When you submit to God—you’re giving up power to gain so much more.

We place so much value on the physical satisfaction and the flesh, but the greatest thing is love. If you love that woman unconditionally showing her that love—she’ll give you what you want. As a man, I need a friend. Years down the line when my body no longer works, I’ll need a woman I can talk to who can hold my hand during my twilight.

Sex and love are two different things. Love is a verb. If I show you that I can love you before I have your body, when we’re married adding the submission of your body to that is amazing. My sister passed, but when she was alive, she was only married to one man. I learned some things from her marriage that I am taking into my own marriage. If I love you first, you’ll love me last. I don’t like being chased. I want to put the work in.

Question # 7: Do you think men nowadays still pursue women because it seems like they don’t?

A lot of men don’t pursue now because they don’t have to. Women are pursuing them. When a woman is ready to be found, she will be found. When God is ready for her to be found. She will be. When God wants you to have something, he will provide it for you. We live in a microwave society where people want things right away. Some women are so impatient that they’d settle for a piece of a man than a whole man.

Question # 8: For men who feel stuck with sexual tension while waiting, what can they do?

I had to really trust God. I had sleepless nights with thoughts of going to my ex’s house. I had to pray a lot. I would lay down at night and pray and pray. Even through the torment and sleepless nights, I knew God would rescue me. It’s a matter of being still until God came to my rescue. I got to the point where I knew it would all be over in the morning, and I’d eventually fall asleep.

After a while, it gets easier because you begin to forget what you’re missing. You forget that you are no longer having sex and you just have other things to do. You have hard days, but that is the whole part of being still and trusting God has your back. The enemy is always waiting. It’s crazy how heavily the enemy is rooted in things that cause pleasure and I was an addict for many years.

I did not grow up in a loving household. It wasn’t until I was in therapy in 2005 that I recognized this and the fact that I had co-dependency issues. I felt that I always had to have a woman in my life. I always had someone to replace the woman I was breaking up with. Up until recently, I had no one. I simply had to grow. Once I got my healing, I was able to be alone in a healthy way relinquishing the co-dependency.

I felt that some of my previous behavior with the wrong women was pushing back who I was supposed to be with down the road. Who could I have been missing out on dealing with the wrong women? That really alarmed me when I came to that realization and I saw that those past relationships were a distraction. They weren’t God-centered so where did I expect them to go?

Even though this article is specific to Black women, if you’re not Black, but still a woman, I hope you see yourself as worthy of real love too. My audience isn’t limited to Black women. However, I wanted to address this due to some challenges within the Black community that I see.

Some Black women secretly ask themselves if they’re worthy of love. Many of us have gone back and forth with our ability to believe that genuine love can happen for us. With the varying statistics that show a rise in single Black women that have never been married and false interpretations of these stats that say that the Black woman is unwanted; it’s no wonder some Black women are struggling to feel worthy of real love.

I’ve had to use discernment in the rooms I enter on Clubhouse as there have been bad advice given to women by some Black men to lower their standards to receive love. We all know lowering our standards, removing our boundaries, and throwing off our value system will not produce real love. It will produce more of the statistics that we are trying to avoid like the 72% of Black moms being single moms.

When Black women listen to the poor advice from those on Clubhouse and make poor choices that produce poor consequences; it’s thrown back in those women’s faces that they are unworthy of love due to the poor choices of the past. Not to mention, there are many stereotypes forced on Black women without any conversation to either confirm or deny our personal beliefs.

With these types of circumstances, it’s vitally important that we as women be very careful what rooms we go into, what tables we sit at, and what conversations we allow ourselves to listen to. All of the information out here about Black women isn’t building up Black women. Some of it, if not careful, will lead us to a dark place of unbelief or bitterness where we ask ourselves the following questions.

Am I too much? Am I not enough? Is there something off about my beauty? Am I not wanted?

The truth is we are worthy! We are enough! We are beautiful! We are wanted!

We have to believe this for ourselves and then guard it not with pride, not with exiting our femininity to argue our points and prove ourselves to those who don’t care. We guard it by walking it out in rest, peace, calm, and surety.

Let me share something with you. God placed a similar God-given desire inside of every woman no matter the color and background. This desire protects us, women, from a lot of stuff and preserves us for what will be fulfilling and healing to us. This desire is the desire for safety and security.

We live in a culture where some of our men simply cry submission. As if the woman is automatically supposed to submit to a man just because he is a man. However, the Bible gives us an illustration showing that we as women have a choice.

We are to submit to the man who willfully demonstrates to us his seriousness to love us. Before I explain further let’s briefly discuss submit. When I say submit, I don’t me just doing what a man says. I mean a willingness on our parts as women—specifically Black women—to surrender ourselves by joining with a man on a physical, mental, spiritual, financial, and emotional level. This is something that cannot be frivolously given. It must be earned. It must be demonstrated and Black women—you are worthy of that.

Therefore, I urge you, brothers and sisters, in view of God’s mercy, to offer your bodies as a living sacrifice, holy and pleasing to God—this is your true and proper worship. Do not conform to the pattern of this world, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind. Then you will be able to test and approve what God’s will is—his good, pleasing and perfect will.

– Romans 12:1 (NIV)

You may say what does the above scripture have to do with submission or male and female relationships. When you understand that the Bible uses the relationship between Christ and the church—all believers in Christ, to illustrate how relationships are to work between men and women—you realize there is a higher standard that includes you.

Christ Jesus first humbled himself in demonstrating his love for his bride—the church. He gave his life for her first before any requirement of submission was discussed. He earned the right to enter into her life being her savior and Lord by demonstrating real love for her consistently. It was then that she offered herself to him including her body as an act of worship within a safe covenant.

I hope I’m not getting too deep for some, but the scripture tells us what real love is.

Love is patient and kind. Love is not jealous or boastful or proud or rude. It does not demand its own way. It is not irritable, and it keeps no record of being wronged. It does not rejoice about injustice but rejoices whenever the truth wins out. Love never gives up, never loses faith, is always hopeful, and endures through every circumstance.

– 1 Cor 13:4-7

Love as scripturally taught must be demonstrated before we agree to join ourselves with a man surrendering our bodies and our commitment to him. We have to be able to hold out sexually long enough to practice discernment judging whether the man pursuing us is seeking our general well-being or only to please himself.

Once, it is rightfully determined through consistent demonstration, we can then, reciprocate allowing ourselves to make the natural sacrifices that women make in a relationship with a man. It becomes a willing experience and not a forced experience through coercion, manipulation, or male dominance.

God built within women this natural protection system to desire and seek security and safety before joining ourselves with someone. Not only are we worthy of this, but this is our God structured right as women. So yes, you are worthy of this. You were created enough to attract this, your beauty is enough to secure this, and you are not too much for requiring this.

A man’s job is to find out what that security looks like for each woman instead of assuming every woman sees security as money. Money is a necessity. If you don’t work you don’t eat. That should be a given, but money isn’t all that is required to make each woman feel safe.

For many wise women, it’s character. What is the consistent character at work in that man’s heart and is it what makes the woman feel safe? Women have a lot to lose when giving themselves to a man—our figure, if we have children, emotional stability, if it isn’t real love, financial challenges, if the man isn’t truly committed and a child is born. Because of the risk involved, we have to use wisdom ladies, and discernment. This is our right as women!

God used this understanding to encourage me to continue to believe that as a woman no matter my color or the stats on single Black women I am still worthy. He wants us all to remember that we are worthy of this type of love. He wanted me to remember that this type of love can and will genuinely happen for me. He wanted me to remember that I am on the right track for this type of love.

In the meantime, while waiting for this type of love—I remember to love myself. I embrace the idea fully that I am worthy of this. This love is for me.

Avoid Being Interested in Someone Uninterested in You

When considering non-negotiables, this one seems like a given, but it can be such a temptation to keep in practice when we really like someone. If you’re crushing on someone who simply isn’t responding to you 9 times out of 10 they just aren’t into you. That’s completely okay. Everyone will not be interested. Everyone isn’t for us. We have to value ourselves enough to only entertain those who share a mutual interest in desiring to get to know us. The woman who consistently positions herself for a man to notice her who doesn’t care is setting herself up to question her worth later on down the line.

It’s a slippery slope when we like someone too much who doesn’t like us back. It can only go downhill. To avoid further disappointment; it’s best to leave it alone. If you have to unfollow your interest on social media or block do what you gotta do. We all are worthy of someone who genuinely cares for us and makes that choice to be with us. Avoiding making this one of your non-negotiables can make you crazy.

Avoid Being with Someone Who Lacks Respect for You

Respect is important to any healthy relationship whether dating, co-workers, siblings, or parents. Respect is like an open doorway that lends itself to the place of safety that both men and women desire. This is a place where you can be heard. I don’t mean your thoughts falling on deaf ears but really heard. Your concerns will be taken into consideration and acted on. When a person respects you; it means they can see the value that you add to their life and they become willing to do what’s necessary to strengthen that connection. The respect begins to develop further into trust. Respect and trust are two of the major building blocks to a healthy relationship; thus, this is one of the non-negotiables that cannot be ignored.

via GIPHY

Avoid Being with Someone who Lacks a Willingness to Grow

If you are someone who enjoys personal development, learning new things, and avoiding stagnation; you will be miserable with someone who is the total opposite. If someone is lazy, prideful, and stuck in their old ways of doing things whether right or wrong; that someone may not be for you. You don’t want to always feel like you’re butting heads with your partner because your partner simply refuses to grow.

We all have our bad habits, but there has to be enough humility to be willing to pivot when necessary. When we’re wrong, we should ask for forgiveness, and apply effort to do better. Stubbornness, selfishness, and pride are often at the root of someone unwilling to grow.

On the other hand, some people just simply have not been exposed to different. Thus, they do not know that there is more for them out there. If this person is willing to put forth effort into learning and growing—you may have a winner. But if a person is just stagnant and stubborn—this may be someone you want to avoid.

Avoid Committing to Someone with a Lack of Vision for his/her life

Purpose has become more popular recently. Everyone is talking about it. It’s attractive. It’s necessary to have a vision for our lives that leads to a greater purpose. Even if that vision is considered less valuable than others a healthy vision still needs to exist. Not only does a healthy vision need to exist, but there must be fruit in action that shows some sort of acceleration within our purposes.

A person living life without a purpose is more prone to allow anything to take place within his/her life. The Bible says without a vision the people perish. It’s very dangerous not to have a purpose because it leads to the perishing of dreams, opportunities, and impact God’s place within each of us to make within our realm of influence. An example of a vision could simply be to help people.

Many people help people by using their gifts in jobs, volunteer opportunities, art, or literature they’ve been called to. Others have purposes that seem less glamourous such as raising their children in the fear of the Lord. All of these things represent a vision and a purpose. This must be intact when choosing a life partner. Someone who has given up on purpose and vision will only allow perishing in their lives and they will take you with them as their life partner if you so choose.

With no vision, It will be difficult to execute a vision of where you want the relationship to go. You will simply just be existing in the other person’s life. This can foster many things like resentment from the self-actualized spouse and perhaps jealously from the one who refuses to take action that would foster growth and forward movement.

Where there is no vision, the people perish: but he that keepeth the law, happy is he.

– Proverbs 9:23

Avoid Being with Someone who Lacks Self-Control

This is important. Self-control is important not only sexually, but in keeping control of our emotions as well. It’s okay to be passionate and to have strong opinions, but we must also have self-control. Is the person you’re considering dating a hot-head? Do they not respect authority due to a lack of self-control? Are they constantly ending up in trouble due to bad choices because of their lack of self-control? The Bible shares to avoid making friends with an angry man (Proverbs 22:24). Why? Because anger is an emotion that points to a deeper issue that needs to be addressed.

Do not make friends with a hot-tempered person, do not associate with one easily angered

– Proverbs 22:24

The person who is often easily angered has some issues that need to be addressed before considering getting into a relationship. If the often-angered person is not willing to address those issues causing the anger; what will they not be willing to address in your relationship with them. Are they really ready to show up and do the work required for a healthy marriage? The best thing to do is to leave this person to himself. Allow him to work through his issues with a therapist, God, and family.

via GIPHY

Hopefully, the person in this position will realize people keep leaving and seek to get help as to why that is. Everyone’s issues aren’t yours to take on. You are not Mr. or Mrs. fix it. Some people we have to simply pray for from a distance. If you have done your work in humbling yourself and resolving your issues; don’t let someone else bring you back into bondage by trying to be a savior for them. Let the person who lacks self-control go through their own process until he/she begins to truly value themselves enough to get the help needed.

Also, sexual self-control is necessary. If you’re someone who practices sexual discipline; you’ll need someone else with enough self-control to practice sexual discipline as well. If someone doesn’t have the track record for self-discipline but is willing to humble himself and grow in this area—set boundaries with him and evaluate the respect in keeping the boundaries. If the person is not willing to respect the boundaries set again and again perhaps this person isn’t quite ready yet.

The Bible warns us to cut off the things that cause us to sin (Matthew 18:9.) If this relationship is moving you backward in your progress causing you to sin—you may need to simply cut this relationship off. Everyone isn’t willing to do what’s necessary to honor God as it relates to sexual purity, but you should have a made-up mind.

One of the Non-Negotiables Every Christian Has Heard: Avoid Being Unequally Yoked with a Non-Believer

We know what the Bible says about being unequally yoked with a non-believer. We should not do it. Where can this relationship go if you know it should not lead to marriage? It can go toward compromising our walk with the Lord and sin. Thus, we need to use wisdom in not forming a committed relationship with someone outside of the faith. We can be friends with boundaries, associates, and neighbors, but not in a committed marriage. This is one of the easiest ways to allow our hearts to be turned from following the Lord. It’s also a way to create confusion on how the children will be raised. What faith will the couple decide to teach the children? Will the children grow up confused? It’s very important to submit to God in this. Someone may say they want to convert the other party. We have to remember that salvation happens through the Holy Spirit drawing someone and changing their heart. Yes, God uses people, but only to sow a seed.

via GIPHY

I have planted, Apollos watered; but God gave the increase. So then neither is he that planteth anything, neither he that watereth, but God that giveth the increase. Now he that planteth and he that watereth are one: and every man shall receive his own reward according to his own labor.

– 1 Corinthians 3:6-8 (KJV)

Sometimes we can be in pride and stubbornness because we want something and we’ll use helping someone get saved as the excuse to disobey God. While someone can become converted and then a serious relationship can ensue; this should be crystal clear that it’s the case before proceeding forward with a serious relationship. One person will rarely convince someone to change their belief over a dating relationship. We should guard our hearts against involving ourselves romantically with someone of a different faith.

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How many of us have seen someone who is a devote woman of God wearing something and asked ourselves if it was too much? What about when we wear that new dress which we weren’t aware had so much cleavage, but we decided to wear it anyway thinking it isn’t that bad? These are both scenarios where we may ask ourselves how much is too much when dressing modestly and are we really honoring God with what we wear? 

Sidenote: Our dressing should be done as unto the Lord when considering the idea of dressing modestly; we can look for the nudge of the Lord when something is off. When we do not have that nudge―we are fine.

This is a personal question that cannot simply be answered by judging someone by how sexy or not she looks. It’s really a matter of the heart. Because we cannot see the heart of man, we have to be careful in how we approach people in how they dress ensuring we are walking in love and respect.

I’ll share some examples of some nice dresses by Chicme that I’ve worn later in the article.

When we attempt to force our personal convictions about dressing modestly on another; it is a form of disrespect. It disregards another adult’s right to decide for herself and it sets us up as the authority over the person rather than God.

It’s a very prideful act rooted in religious piety rather than humility rooted in genuine love and concern for our fellow man. This is where we have to be careful to check our hearts.

God’s word is clear in emphasizing women in dressing modestly (1 Peter 2:9.) However, we need to consider the cultural context of scriptures.

For example, women in Corinth are encouraged to wear a head covering. This was asked of the Christian women of Corinth in response to the culture of Corinth wear women who did not wear head coverings were seen as available to commit immoral acts. It was the cultural norm.

To not confuse the Christian women with the immoral women of that culture this precaution was taken among Christians. This is not a requirement however for every Christian woman who’d walk the earth. What many Christians do is take remedies provided in scripture to address cultural norms of Biblical times and make them a requirement for all believers.

Paul’s request for women to dress modestly in the below scripture was in contrast to the women of the day who with braided hair, costly clothing, and expensive jewelry prided themselves based on their outward appearance.

“In like manner also, that women adorn themselves in modest apparel, with shamefacedness and sobriety; not with broided hair, or gold, or pearls, or costly array;”

– 1 Timothy 2:9 (KJV)

I also want the women to dress modestly, with decency and propriety, adorning themselves, not with elaborate hairstyles or gold or pearls or expensive clothes, but with good deeds, appropriate for women who profess to worship God.

– 1 Timothy 2:9-10 (NIV)

Priding one’s self based on the outward appearance alone is dangerous because the outward appearance fades and its perceived beauty is subject to the opinions of others. Paul warned the women to consider their nobility based on something more—things like humility, sobriety, and the appropriate good works that follow a woman of humility and sobriety. He was not opposed to women adorning themselves, however.

To adorn in this scripture comes from the Greek word: Kosmeo. This word means the below:

1. To put in order, arrange, make ready, prepare.
2. To ornament, adore.
3. Metaphorically to embellish with honor, gain honor (Thayer Greek Dictionary.)

To adorn simply means to decorate one’s-self, properly arrange one’s-self—in a sense celebrating our God-given beauty. Because of the extremes taught in church culture over the years, some women feel as though arranging one’s self in a way considered too attractive is sinful.

The Bible does not call attractively dressed women sinful; it shares it is sinful to pride ourselves on our physical appearance, wealth, and ability to arrange ourselves in a particular appearance rather than what’s really important.

What does it mean to dress modestly? Modest in 1 Timothy 2:9 means to dress well arranged, seemly, modest. It also means to dress orderly and of good behavior. This simply means we should not be unseemly in our dress. We need to respect the rules and laws of where we are at all times.

When I go to court, I dress like I am presenting myself to a judge. When I go to a job interview, I dress like I would like to be hired for the position. I do my research. I find out what the culture is there and carry myself accordingly. This is the same thing the above scripture is saying.

One of my favorite authors taught this principle so well when she shared with women that dressing modestly has to do with wearing the appropriate thing to the appropriate occasion. When a woman gets ready to marry, she dresses like a bride. When a family visits the beach; the family wears swimwear including bathing suits and swimming trunks. This is considered modest or appropriate for the beach.

Somehow, we’ve confused the word modest with dressing overly conservative or dressing conservatively at all times. There are times that it is inappropriate to dress overly conservative and we must dress for the proper occasion. There is a story in the Bible wear Jesus kicked guests out of a party for not dressing appropriately to the occasion. See Matthew 22:11.

Does this mean that women are free to wear whatever they want to whether appropriate or not? No. We already addressed that dressing modestly is dressing appropriately. However, what’s appropriate to one person may be inappropriate to another depending on the conscious of each person. The Bible says all things are lawful, but not all things are expedient.

Sometimes, people are off on their judgment as to what’s appropriate for a believer, but even in that case, it’s not up to us to put them down or to discount their faith in Christ. In this case, a trusted friend or mentor should approach the woman in love and respect. 

These cases should be clear that something is off. It should not be an assumption from someone based on their own personal convictions. Again, our personal convictions in dressing modestly may not be that of others.

There is not a law across the board that it’s okay for a woman to wear this and not that. This is subjective. There is a scripture that says that the law is for the lawless—meaning those who have no boundaries. It isn’t for someone who is mature and consistently practices appropriate boundaries.

We also know that the law is made not for the righteous but for lawbreakers and rebels, the ungodly and sinful, the unholy and irreligious, for those who kill their fathers or mothers, for murderers.

-1 Tim 1:9

There are those out there who do not live according to what would be considered an appropriate law across the board in dress as it relates to women, but they are a law unto themselves because of their conscious sharing with them what is appropriate and not. This is something that takes place between the believing woman and God.

For when Gentiles, who do not have the law, by nature do the things in the law, these, although not having the law, are a law to themselves, who show the work of the law written in their hearts, their conscience also bearing witness, and between themselves, their thoughts accusing or else excusing them.

– Romans 2:14-15

Many who take issue with others on not dressing to their particular acceptance have come out of churches of controlling backgrounds. Adults should not be controlled. They should be mature enough to make appropriate decisions. Children should be controlled in a sense to be guided and directed into a place of reference with boundaries showing the difference between good vs. bad. This way, when they become adults, they will have the foundation to make the right decisions for themselves. 

Below are some examples of outfits that some make take issue with that I’ve worn. These outfits were purchased through Chicme—a fashion website with great quality clothing at affordable prices. I found out about them from ads on social media and decided to give it a chance.

I’m always cautious when ordering clothing online as there are some scams out there, but believe me, Chicme is not a scam. What you see on their website is what you get. They take precautions to make sure the customer is happy.

I will say it takes a few weeks for the orders to arrive and sometimes the items come wrinkled, but the quality, look, and pricing is all worth the wait and ironing you may have to do. There are options to pay for expedited shipping. They even have a return policy where they will provide a full refund once the order is re-shipped back to them.

One way to avoid having to return an item is by double-checking your size with the website’s size chart. If you know the measurements for your bust, hips, waist, and the length you are looking for, you can choose the items you order according to these specific measurements.

I’ve ordered several dresses from the website and each one fits perfectly simply by utilizing Chicme’s size chart.

Chicme accepts 22 international currencies in the world including the U.S., Canada, and more. For questions about if they ship to your country check out their FAQ on their website. The shipping costs are also affordable. In most cases, buyers aren’t charged any additional shipping fees outside of the standard shipping cost.

I have a friend who shared that she’d been curious about purchasing with Chicme as she’d read some bad reviews. I let her know I did not have a bad experience with them. If you place an order with Chicme from this link you can get a total of 20% off. Chicme is a great place for us girls to start adorning ourselves with beautiful clothing to accentuate the beauty God has already placed inside of us.

Taking care of both our inner selves and outer selves will result in higher self-esteem, greater self-care, and better choices in men. Get Chic with me.

Tabitha Brown & Her Response to Wendy Williams Shows Us 3 Things

Tabitha Brown, a social media influencer and trained actress was the center of one of Wendy William’s recent hot topics. Tabitha recently shared how her husband and herself had an agreement that Tabitha’s husband would work as a police officer to support Tabitha’s dreams of being an actress and entrepreneur. Now that Tabitha is successful, she is retiring her husband from the police force so he can pursue his dreams. He desires to put more into his non-for-profit in coaching young people.

This is a beautiful story that was turned negative based on the experience of Wendy Williams. She’d made more than her husband and shared how they did not work out in their scenario. She assumed that Wendy will now have a rocky marriage as well. Tabitha Brown corrected Wendy setting the story straight in such a graceful way while encouraging us all that real genuine and supportive love when someone sees you and values you for you is possible. See the video below:

We should not Provide Advice Out of Our Bitterness Nor Negative Experience

It’s just that simple. When we are in a negative space about our own experience, we have to honestly work through that without putting that outcome on others. We cannot share advice out of our negative experiences as if it should be the rule for others.

God warns us of this very thing in the below scriptures:

Make every effort to live in peace with everyone and to be holy; without holiness, no one will see the Lord. 15 See to it that no one falls short of the grace of God and that no bitter root grows up to cause trouble and defile many. – Hebrews 12:14-15

Often, when we are bitter we do not realize it until someone shows us something different. Then we are awakened from our stupor of bitterness that has blinded us to only believe that one particular outcome is possible. This is why it’s so important to have a balanced community of others in our lives who can wake us up when we fall into stupors of bitterness. Tabitha did this in such a graceful manner not only preventing Wendy from continuing in her stupor of bitterness from her own experience but the millions of others watching and listening.

When God is in a Thing, He can Defy the Statistics

Yes, there is research that shows the below regarding households where women make more money than men:

• Men in those households are more likely to cheat.
• Men feel more confused about their role and contribution to the household.
• Men are often insecure and intimidated by their women making more.

Read more about married households and incomes here. While this research is true in some cases; it does not have to be true in every case. In marriages, where God is at the center; God’s grace can be the power that causes those marriages to defy the odds. God’s grace is not only his goodness toward us but also his power to accomplish the seemingly impossible. What is impossible with man is possible with God. As believers, we are to live by faith applying the principles of God’s word to our lives and marriages for those who are married. Biblical marriage is not grounded by who makes the most money, but by things like submission to one another, real genuine love that requires sacrifice—something that Tabitha shared. We have to watch our thinking as believers making sure we aren’t conforming to the standards of the world and we’ll be able to avoid some of the pitfalls of the world when we think higher and bigger according to God’s word.

via GIPHY

We Should Pray for Those Who Do Not Get it Entreating Them With Grace

Finally, the Bible warns us to pray for our enemies and those that spitefully use us. This doesn’t mean that Wendy is an enemy of Tabitha’s. Wendy’s motivation had absolutely nothing to do with Tabitha but was more so motivated by her own experience. Often, when people cut up at us out of the blue; it has nothing to do with us, but with something personal that still needs to be resolved within them. This is why it is so important for us to love our neighbors even when they are being mean, rude, or difficult for no reasonable reason. There is a reason that oftentimes has nothing to do with us. It has to do with that person’s trauma experienced in their unique situation.

God knowing this warned us to love. In doing so, we avoid causing more damage. We create a pathway to healing for them and ourselves. We heal and feel relieved and better as we pray for them. They also heal and feel relieved and better as we remind them that through all of their trauma, hardship, and negative experience they are still worthy of love and God’s best. God is so good in how he works in the dealings of man to reveal his great love. I discuss dealing with rude people further in an article called, “Does God Want Us to Put Up With Abuse?.“

Let’s take all of these wonderful lessons from Tabitha and Wendy William’s experience and apply them to our lives personally.

Since I’ve begun blogging 8 years ago, I’ve always been asked the question: how do I start a blog? Instead of running down the information one by one to each person who inquires, I found it easy to place all of the information in this brief blog article. Starting a blog is easy. All it takes is passion and dedication to your passion and your new blog can be a beautiful masterpiece. Here are 5 easy steps to start and monetize a blog. By the way, this information works for any type of blog including lifestyle blogs.

Choose a Niche

A Niche is an area of expertise that you are most passionate about writing about. If you write about everyday life things; you’ll your niche will be what’s called a lifestyle blog. If there is an area of emphasis within the lifestyle blog niche that you wish to focus on the most such as relationships; make sure to use a descriptive adjective in either your blog name or tag line of your blog so when people visit they know exactly what your blog is about. If they are searching for information in that particular niche. Your blog title will keep them coming back.

Find an Affordable Hosting Site:

I use Fatcow for my hosting needs. I’ve been using them since May 2013. They have 24-hour technical support to make sure your site stays up at all times. Only through my special link can you receive a very low introductory discount. I am an affiliate with Fatcow and do receive compensation based on new sign-ups. Click here to take advantage of Fatcow’s very low introductory offer. Fatcow doesn’t only offer hosting, but they work directly with WordPress, Weebly, and other blogging software. I prefer WordPress however. We will discuss that later. Take a look at the specials that Fatcow has to offer to get started.

Choose an Eye-Catching Template Using a WordPress Website Builder

There are several builders out there that you can choose from such as Squarespace, Weebly, and others, but I currently use WordPress as they have easy-to-integrate plugins that assist with SEO. SEO stands for Search Engine Optimization. SEO determines what websites including blogs will pop up first in search engines when people enter keyword searches. If you have a high SEO ranking at the top of Google’s search pages you can get more traffic to your website. If your content is great these visitors may keep coming back and you’ll be able to make more money with your blog. You can access the WordPress builder through your Fatcow hosting account.

If you have a blog on another platform and would like to move it over to WordPress; you can hire an expert to provide this service for you at an affordable price by using Fiverr. I moved my website from the Weebly platform to WordPress by hiring someone at Fiverr to do it for me. The expert also converted my website into a professional looking blog format at an affordable price. You can view various WordPress themes here to get an idea of how you want your new website to look. Once you find the theme you like, you can either install it on your WordPress site or hire someone from Fiverr to customize the theme for you to your liking. Fiverr offers affordable freelancers to assist today’s entrepreneurs who may be on a budget. I am an affiliate with Fiverr and receive compensation based on referrals. Use this link to find a professional: Click here.

Learn About SEO

I briefly talked about what SEO is in the previous section. You can also take advantage of a free tool called Google Trends to see what is currently trending and suggestions on keywords being used around a topic you may wish to write about. Jumping on an upward trend can cause more traffic to your website and result in more income for you. There are experts on Fiverr as well who can assist you with optimizing your new WordPress website for SEO. Click here to look into SEO experts. I am an affiliate with Fiverr and receive compensation. A plug-in that WordPress provides called Yoast provides helpful SEO hints and tips for each article to ensure the ultimate traffic. I am not currently an affiliate with Yoast. I simply use their free basic plug-in.

Finally, an affordable SEO tool that allows you to research keywords and determine keyword difficulty is Mangools. It has many helpful tools that help you to see what keywords your competitors are ranking for. This gives you the opportunity to rank for the same keywords. Their yearly basic plan provides the best value. In November, they have sales up to 60% off. Grow your blog traffic now.

Find Great Royalty Free Pictures

Several free websites allow you to use royalty-free pictures. Royalty-free means you do not have to pay to use the pictures. These are the only pictures that should be used on your website unless you purchase pictures. Using royalty-free pictures will help you to avoid being sued by photographers. Pexels.com, Unsplash.com, and Pixabay.com are all great websites that offer royalty-free pictures. You’ll want to use your picture as the main picture for the article to draw people in and also add pictures and/or gifeys throughout the article with headers and subheaders to break up the text making it easier to read. Use gifey.com to find free gifeys to embed into your blog post.

Once you have your Niche, great content, hosting, website, and dope pictures you’ll need to begin posting consistently to begin building your audience. You can make money from blogging using Google Adsense, affiliate links from some of your favorite companies, and influencer marketing.

Fiverr has experts that can set up your Google Adsense properly on your new blogging website at very affordable prices. You’ll also want to set up Google Analytics on your website to be able to track your traffic, visitors, and the content that is doing the best on your site.

This will let you know if you are getting enough traffic to add ads to your site and affiliate links. You’ll want to know you have some traffic first before adding ads and affiliate links. Fiverr experts again can help you install Google Analytics. Learn further by researching affiliate programs with your favorite companies.

How Do I Start a Blog: Bonus Ways to Monetize Your New Blog

Make Money Through Affiliate Marketing:

Affiliate marketing is a great way to make passive income. Passive income is income that you make in your sleep. You do this by simply adding affiliate links into your articles. Affiliate links are links to products or services that you’d personally recommend because you’ve tried it before and you love it. When the products or services that you recommend begin to sale through your affiliate link; you get paid a percentage. If your SEO is good; you can consistently make income from one blog post written several years ago.

My blogging mentor does this and makes over $50,000/monthly in affiliate marketing alone. I’m definitely not there yet as I am just starting out, but I believe this can be a great way to fund your blog and make some extra income while using your talent of writing. Check out my mentor’s free e-book. She also offers a course that teaches you everything you need to know about affiliate marketing including not overwhelming your audience with seeming sales pitches, but helping them find things that actually want to purchase.

Sale Online Classes

Create a class centered around your niche or area of expertise. Sell the class on an affordable platform like Teachable. I have a few courses on my website using Teachable. The great thing about Teachable is it allows you to schedule a free coaching session as an event where you can add the Zoom link information on the page.

I use this tool to offer a free webinar that introduces new leads to my brand. They get the initial free group coaching session for free and feel more comfortable buying my paid courses and books later because they realize the value I provide to them. Teachable is useful for paid courses, subscription courses, coaching, and much more.

Finally, Teachable is a community that offers various training from more advanced experts such as Lisa Nichols and others. I partner with Teachable as an affiliate and earn compensation for sharing about their services.

I am an affiliate with Teachable and receive compensation based on signups.

Create a Product

Create a book or multiple books around your expertise. Offer coaching services as a product or anything else you can think of related to your brand. It could be T-shirts promoting your brand’s core values. If you advertise these things well you can make money from them and still do what you love.

Create a Lead Magnet

Creating a lead magnet helps you to grow your email list. This is something that you will give away for free. It can be an E-book, playlist, list of something incredible. It just has to be something you know people who follow your niche will value. You can advertise other products and services to this group of people on your email list.

Add Google Adsense to Your Website Upon Traffic Increase

It will take some time for you to bring a substantial amount of traffic to your new blogging website. Don’t be discouraged by this. Keep up writing great content that you are passionate about while following the SEO guidelines you’ll learn and eventually you’ll have enough traffic to add Google Adsense. This is a tool that any online influencer can apply for as long as you meet Google’s terms of agreement.

Remember that blogging is a journey, so enjoy the journey and success will come along the way.