Blog

How Do I Start a Blog?

Since I’ve begun blogging 8 years ago, I’ve always been asked the question: how do I start a blog? Instead of running down the information one by one to each person who inquires, I found it easy to place all of the information in this brief blog article. Starting a blog is easy. All it takes is passion and dedication to your passion and your new blog can be a beautiful masterpiece. Here are 5 easy steps to start and monetize a blog. By the way, this information works for any type of blog including lifestyle blogs.

Choose a Niche

A Niche is an area of expertise that you are most passionate about writing about. If you write about everyday life things; you’ll your niche will be what’s called a lifestyle blog. If there is an area of emphasis within the lifestyle blog niche that you wish to focus on the most such as relationships; make sure to use a descriptive adjective in either your blog name or tag line of your blog so when people visit they know exactly what your blog is about. If they are searching for information in that particular niche. Your blog title will keep them coming back.

How Do I Start a Blog

Find an Affordable Hosting Site:

I use Fatcow for my hosting needs. I’ve been using them since May 2013. They have 24-hour technical support to make sure your site stays up at all times. Only through my special link can you receive a very low introductory discount. I am an affiliate with Fatcow and do receive compensation based on new sign-ups. Click here to take advantage of Fatcow’s very low introductory offer. Fatcow doesn’t only offer hosting, but they work directly with WordPress, Weebly, and other blogging software. I prefer WordPress however. We will discuss that later. Take a look at the specials that Fatcow has to offer to get started.

Choose an Eye-Catching Template Using a WordPress Website Builder

There are several builders out there that you can choose from such as Squarespace, Weebly, and others, but I currently use WordPress as they have easy-to-integrate plugins that assist with SEO. SEO stands for Search Engine Optimization. SEO determines what websites including blogs will pop up first in search engines when people enter keyword searches. If you have a high SEO ranking at the top of Google’s search pages you can get more traffic to your website. If your content is great these visitors may keep coming back and you’ll be able to make more money with your blog. You can access the WordPress builder through your Fatcow hosting account.

If you have a blog on another platform and would like to move it over to WordPress; you can hire an expert to provide this service for you at an affordable price by using Fiverr. I moved my website from the Weebly platform to WordPress by hiring someone at Fiverr to do it for me. The expert also converted my website into a professional looking blog format at an affordable price. You can view various WordPress themes here to get an idea of how you want your new website to look. Once you find the theme you like, you can either install it on your WordPress site or hire someone from Fiverr to customize the theme for you to your liking. Fiverr offers affordable freelancers to assist today’s entrepreneurs who may be on a budget. I am an affiliate with Fiverr and receive compensation based on referrals. Use this link to find a professional: Click here.

Learn About SEO

I briefly talked about what SEO is in the previous section. You can also take advantage of a free tool called Google Trends to see what is currently trending and suggestions on keywords being used around a topic you may wish to write about. Jumping on an upward trend can cause more traffic to your website and result in more income for you. There are experts on Fiverr as well who can assist you with optimizing your new WordPress website for SEO. Click here to look into SEO experts. I am an affiliate with Fiverr and receive compensation. A plug-in that WordPress provides called Yoast provides helpful SEO hints and tips for each article to ensure the ultimate traffic. I am not currently an affiliate with Yoast. I simply use their free basic plug-in.

Finally, an affordable SEO tool that allows you to research keywords and determine keyword difficulty is Mangools. It has many helpful tools that help you to see what keywords your competitors are ranking for. This gives you the opportunity to rank for the same keywords. Their yearly basic plan provides the best value. In November, they have sales up to 60% off. Grow your blog traffic now.

Find Great Royalty Free Pictures

Several free websites allow you to use royalty-free pictures. Royalty-free means you do not have to pay to use the pictures. These are the only pictures that should be used on your website unless you purchase pictures. Using royalty-free pictures will help you to avoid being sued by photographers. Pexels.com, Unsplash.com, and Pixabay.com are all great websites that offer royalty-free pictures. You’ll want to use your picture as the main picture for the article to draw people in and also add pictures and/or gifeys throughout the article with headers and subheaders to break up the text making it easier to read. Use gifey.com to find free gifeys to embed into your blog post.

Once you have your Niche, great content, hosting, website, and dope pictures you’ll need to begin posting consistently to begin building your audience. You can make money from blogging using Google Adsense, affiliate links from some of your favorite companies, and influencer marketing.

Fiverr has experts that can set up your Google Adsense properly on your new blogging website at very affordable prices. You’ll also want to set up Google Analytics on your website to be able to track your traffic, visitors, and the content that is doing the best on your site.

This will let you know if you are getting enough traffic to add ads to your site and affiliate links. You’ll want to know you have some traffic first before adding ads and affiliate links. Fiverr experts again can help you install Google Analytics. Learn further by researching affiliate programs with your favorite companies.

How Do I Start a Blog: Bonus Ways to Monetize Your New Blog

How Do I Start a Blog

Make Money Through Affiliate Marketing:

Affiliate marketing is a great way to make passive income. Passive income is income that you make in your sleep. You do this by simply adding affiliate links into your articles. Affiliate links are links to products or services that you’d personally recommend because you’ve tried it before and you love it. When the products or services that you recommend begin to sale through your affiliate link; you get paid a percentage. If your SEO is good; you can consistently make income from one blog post written several years ago.

My blogging mentor does this and makes over $50,000/monthly in affiliate marketing alone. I’m definitely not there yet as I am just starting out, but I believe this can be a great way to fund your blog and make some extra income while using your talent of writing. Check out my mentor’s free e-book. She also offers a course that teaches you everything you need to know about affiliate marketing including not overwhelming your audience with seeming sales pitches, but helping them find things that actually want to purchase.

Sale Online Classes

Create a class centered around your niche or area of expertise. Sell the class on an affordable platform like Teachable. I have a few courses on my website using Teachable. The great thing about Teachable is it allows you to schedule a free coaching session as an event where you can add the Zoom link information on the page.

I use this tool to offer a free webinar that introduces new leads to my brand. They get the initial free group coaching session for free and feel more comfortable buying my paid courses and books later because they realize the value I provide to them. Teachable is useful for paid courses, subscription courses, coaching, and much more.

Finally, Teachable is a community that offers various training from more advanced experts such as Lisa Nichols and others. I partner with Teachable as an affiliate and earn compensation for sharing about their services.

I am an affiliate with Teachable and receive compensation based on signups.

Create a Product

Create a book or multiple books around your expertise. Offer coaching services as a product or anything else you can think of related to your brand. It could be T-shirts promoting your brand’s core values. If you advertise these things well you can make money from them and still do what you love.

Create a Lead Magnet

Creating a lead magnet helps you to grow your email list. This is something that you will give away for free. It can be an E-book, playlist, list of something incredible. It just has to be something you know people who follow your niche will value. You can advertise other products and services to this group of people on your email list.

Add Google Adsense to Your Website Upon Traffic Increase

It will take some time for you to bring a substantial amount of traffic to your new blogging website. Don’t be discouraged by this. Keep up writing great content that you are passionate about while following the SEO guidelines you’ll learn and eventually you’ll have enough traffic to add Google Adsense. This is a tool that any online influencer can apply for as long as you meet Google’s terms of agreement.

Remember that blogging is a journey, so enjoy the journey and success will come along the way.

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Healthy Boundaries in Dating Show Us Who Genuinely Cares for Us

One of the most important characteristics we need to develop to attract someone for us is our ability to set healthy boundaries that keep our personal identity intact. Keeping our identity intact is a part of our wholeness. Wholeness is another word for healthy, whole, complete and unbroken. It doesn’t mean we are perfect, but we have enough stability and sobriety resulting in the clarity needed to make decisions that lead to health and wholeness for ourselves. Setting healthy boundaries while dating helps to provide greater safety and security along with the closeness we desire while getting to know others.

Setting healthy boundaries extends to our emotional stability as well. When we’ve embraced proper boundaries, we value ourselves and protect ourselves, and require others to do the same. The person who respects our boundaries and values us as much as we have shown that we value ourselves will be someone that we may want to consider keeping around.

An Expert Had the Below to Say

Stephanie Camins of Roadtogrowthcounseling.com shares some important things about boundaries in her article, “Setting Emotional Boundaries in Relationships.”

“Setting good personal boundaries is critical to creating healthy relationships, increasing self-esteem, and reducing stress, anxiety, and depression. Boundaries protect your personal self by setting a clear line between what is me and what is not me. A lack of boundaries opens the door for others to determine your thoughts, feelings, and needs. Defining boundaries is a process of determining what behavior you will accept from others and what you will not.”

I would encourage you to follow the link and read the entire article as it shares some basic boundaries that everyone has. I love that she bought out the fact that those without boundaries open the door for others to determine thoughts, feelings, and needs instead of requiring your own thoughts feelings, and needs and getting those. Could this be why some of us may be disappointed in our dating because we aren’t setting clear boundaries for ourselves before we get into a dating relationship or any relationship for that matter?

Many women have been socialized into thinking that passivity and conformity in relationships is the only option for women, but this outlook can easily cause us to lose ourselves in dating and cause us to avoid practicing the proper discernment to qualify the right man for us. Each of us has a right to qualify someone who will genuinely care for who we are at the core. Therefore, we have to maintain who we are at the core by setting the proper boundaries to protect who we are.

Boundaries Protect Our Values

Boundaries protect our values. Our values are the core beliefs that make us who we are. If I value rest; I will set a boundary to go to bed at an appropriate time to maintain my rest and energetic attitude. If I value getting my hair done; I will set a boundary to allocate money within my budget to be able to get my hair done. If I value intimacy with God; I will schedule my dates or phone time around my intimate time with God and not in place of. If I value the clarity that comes with not being physically involved too soon; I will communicate that at the proper time to my partner and it should be respected and acted upon accordingly.

Someone only interested in pushing or removing your boundaries may be selfish and may not genuinely care about you at all. Remember what the Bible says about love: Love is not self-seeking (1 Cor 13:5.) They may only care about transforming you into the image of what they want in their mind. We need to be honest with ourselves when we are dating someone who doesn’t match our values and thus doesn’t respect our boundaries that protect our values.

It’s okay to pass on them so that our identities and self-worth can remain intact. We should never degrade or devalue ourselves to be in a relationship with someone. I ask the question in my book, The Wholeness Action Plan: Do we love ourselves the way that we expect someone else to love us? Receiving the right love in our lives first starts with our decision to love ourselves. Meditate on the love chapter of 1 Corinthians 13 and ask yourself if you love yourself in each of the ways mentioned. If not get to work on loving you.

Once Your Healthy Boundaries are Set You’ll Need to Stick to Them:

Once our boundaries are set; we need to stick to them. If we do not stick to our boundaries that we set; we will confuse those seeking to be in a relationship with us. I shared a story in my book: Patterns of the Heart: Discernment in Choosing a Potential Spouse of a couple named Tavia and Terrell. They both had different values but continued to date. After Terrell attempted to change Tavia’s boundaries of saving sexual intimacy for later. The couple split up. The truth was they could not continue in the relationship unless one person yielded their boundaries to the other, but because the boundary that Tavia had had a specific goal to honor her relationship with God she could not continue in the relationship and still be herself. She would have had to become someone else that she was not willing to be.

The same was true of Terrell who had a personal value to please himself in the relationship without considering God. He would have had to become someone he was not also to continue with Tavia. If we want to be loved for who we genuinely are we have to genuinely be ourselves. Terrell met someone with the same values as him and now he is married. Likewise, Tavia in the book met someone with similar values as her. Because the values matched; the boundaries were respected and a healthy bond grew. This is what I want and this is why I’ve committed to myself to be myself maintaining the boundaries that allow me to do so.

Amos 3:3 – How can two walk together except they are agreed.

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What Healthy Dating for Christian Singles Looks Like:

Many believers are afraid to date because they aren’t sure what healthy dating for Christian singles looks like. They’ve seen those who have abused dating to satisfy the most recent sexual urge or the serial dater who never commits to truly get to know someone, but goes from one person to the next with no real plan. Then some are genuinely looking for a spouse but may lack the tools to date in a healthy way and they simply repeat the same mistakes again and again. Below I will share some tools to know what it is like to date in a healthy way.

Healthy Dating Looks like Friendship in the Beginning
When we watch a movie the love interests date and end up in a romantic emotional and physical relationship almost immediately. This has been naturally programmed into many of our minds that if a connection is to be genuine and real it must progress quickly. This is not true. It takes time to get to know someone and to build trust. It’s okay to take a relationship slower than the norm. It’s wisdom to avoid trying to manufacture a strong emotional, physical, or romantic tie in the beginning because that is not what keeps the relationship going. What will keep the relationship going is two people who are on one accord going in the same direction and choosing to do it together. We have to get to know someone.

Does this person have similar values? What are the red, green, and yellow flags? Is the person we are dating willing to grow and address the red and yellow flags? What is their character like? Does this person listen to you and others who offer genuine and sound wisdom or are they so headstrong that they only value their opinion? It’s amazing how wide our eyes are open to truly discern another person and where they are going in life when we don’t just focus on the romantic, physical, or emotional.

You’ll find that if the person matches you well and is willing to grow showing fruit; then, the romantic, physical, and romantic desires will grow anyway and they do not have to be forced. Don’t give up on a potential relationship because the romantic, physical, and emotional ties aren’t the strongest in the beginning. This also helps you to guard your heart so if it doesn’t work out you’re not as distraught. You may not end up distraught at all because you can find out closer to the beginning of the dating relationship if you and he will agree to move forward to pursue something that will be more than friends. See Amos 3:3 – How can two walk together except they are agreed.

Healthy Dating Looks like Practicing Self-Control
There should be a physical attraction to the person you choose to date and, in the beginning, you may feel a very strong sexual urge. That’s okay. It’s normal to be physically attracted to someone you find fine. You just have to make sure you maintain self-control. That means if when you go to bed at night your hormones are barking and you cannot stop thinking about being with them sexually to the point where you feel as though you have to act it out; you need to get some self-control. If you had self-control before you begin dating this new person; it will be easier for you to regain your self-control in this situation. If you did not have self-control before dating this person and you were hooking up with others to meet your sexual desires you may need to step away from dating and focus solely on gaining self-control before dating.

Communicate effectively with the new potential and let them know you need to step away to work on some things. A couple of tips for the previously self-controlled person who is just experiencing normal temptation. It may help to reframe the way you see the potential you are dating. When you want to fantasize about being sexually involved with your new potential; retrain your brain to think of him as your brother in the Lord. If you put him in the category of your brother; it will be less likely that you will think of him sexually. At the appropriate time in the future as things progress you can think of him as more, but now in the beginning he is your brother in the Lord and you are focusing on gathering data to get to know him, not getting out all of your sexual frustrations from all of the years. There will be a time for that just not now.

Also, set aside a day to fast and pray and seek the Lord about these newly elevated sexual desires. Invite God into the conversation regarding wanting to freak this new man and wanting to date him. Ask the Lord to give you grace which is the power and strength to honor God in the dating relationship. For the one who has never practiced self-control and it’s foreign to you; get with others in a healthy community who have had similar struggles and overcome them. Find older men and women to share your struggles with who can help you to walk the path of self-control and learning to depend on God in the area of sexual purity.

Healthy Dating Looks like Asking Lots of Questions and Much Communication
If you are coming to the table whole—meaning you aren’t seeking for the relationship to make you whole, but you’ve found your wholeness in Christ and you are at rest in your spirit in how you see yourself and value yourself seeing and valuing yourself as God sees you you’ve met a major prerequisite for being in a healthy relationship. You simply need to be familiar with your personal values and characteristics and you need to choose someone who aligns well with that.

You also will need to be well aware of your purpose for your life—your vision. Where are you going? What are your personal preferences in a partner? How important to you is each preference. If the partner had all of your value characteristics and a complimentary purpose; would you be willing to budge on one preference or two? What are your non-negotiables? I have a free template as part of my free training, “Top 3 Dating Fears” where someone can list all of these things on one form so you will have a picture of what you are looking for while you are dating. Once, you have this you’ll know the right questions to ask a potential while dating. Many people ask me what should they ask and I share that you need to simply be yourself. Also, listen well during your communication with this other person, observe body language and other actions. You can formulate more questions based on the other person’s responses and the flags that come up from what they share.

via GIPHY

As the potential reveals more about himself; you should be noting more questions that you need to ask to clarify where that person is. You may notice red flags, yellow flags, and green flags. Red means stop and address something, yellow means slow down and address something, and green means to move forward. I also have a form for tracking these as part of my training as well. I’ll also share some examples of this during the training. Ultimately, before you move to the next level of your dating relationship to a more serious dating relationship; you want to make sure you are on the same page by addressing and asking the right questions. Be natural with your questions. Just be yourself. Be humble and careful to honor and respect the other person in your question asking. It isn’t an interrogation, but an enjoyable experience of exploring another beautiful person who mutually respects you and you him.

Healthy Dating Looks like Mutual Respect, Safety, and Digging Deeper to Build Something Solid
Never date someone you do not feel safe with. If you do not feel safe in the person’s approach in initially connecting with you; leave it alone. Pay attention to the Holy Spirit’s leading. Ask questions before providing your number to find out what the person’s value system is. I like to use a question during meeting guys out in public asking the gentlemen what is most important to him. This question allows me to see what his values are right off the bat. If it’s far out and not in alignment with what I am comfortable with; I can pass on providing my number. Each answer to the initial question of importance usually leads to more questions. See the free handout for example at the link: “One Question to Ask a Potential Free Download.” If I feel the values reasonably align; I may provide my number for further conversation. That’s when I talk to him once or twice before agreeing to go on a date to ensure he is of some sort of stable and safe mindset where I am not putting myself at risk with someone unstable. At this point, we can begin the process of dating with the wisdom of God and the wisdom shared above. I hope this helps with your dating life. Don’t be afraid to date; just date with wisdom and healthy boundaries, plus vision. Consider signing up for my free live webinar via Zoom Top 3 Dating fears at this link: Click here to register for the free webinar.

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Social Media and Anxiety

Some studies correlate the overuse of social media with increased levels of anxiety and depression. Social Media and depression have a correlation. Recently, I’d experienced increased sensitivity to my longing for a potential spouse after spending about two weeks on the new social media app Club-House. I’d been in some fun and interesting rooms that discussed relationships. A gentleman that I was interested in at one point had also been in a lot of those rooms and I think being in the same room made me feel a sense of connection that I desired with someone like him that I simply did not have. That in and of itself began to create an increased longing within me as well as anxiety.

At first, I did not understand why my desire for a spouse had increased. I prayed about it asking the Lord why I was feeling this way, how I should respond, and also for wisdom. I went on saying, “Lord, you said if I lacked wisdom, I could ask you and you would give me wisdom and not look down on me. Please, give me wisdom on how to navigate this properly. Lord, you said if I leaned not to my own understanding and acknowledged you in all my ways; you would direct my path. Lord, give me direction in this?”

A couple of days later after praying these prayers. I began to notice some anxiety stirring within me. Dr. John Delony shares in his book, “Redefining Anxiety” anxiety is simply a warning system built within us to let us know that danger is approaching. John suggests that we deal with what is causing our anxiety to still the anxiety away. He clears up several myths that limit anxiety to a medical condition or as something to fix with a pill to something that requires us to take responsibility in addressing our stressors.

My stressor was the fact that I have a legitimate desire for connection and intimate partnership with a man of God, but Clubhouse made me temporarily feel like that need was met virtually yet in reality that need was alarmingly unmet due to the building of anxiety. It’s not new to me that that desire has not been met yet, but having it come to the forefront as strong as it did leads to imbalance and potential desperation. This is the opposite of what God calls us to. God calls us to balance. Eventually, if anxiety turns into depression, it will disable us from doing the things that we should do and we may find ourselves trying to cover up how we feel with unhealthy things. This is why it’s so important to deal with what is causing our anxiety.

A false balance is an abomination to the Lord, but a just weight is his delight. – Proverbs 11:1

Anxiety can lead to a false balance in our lives causing us to operate ineffectively in our lives. The quote below is from a government website that has noted the impact of excessive social media use:

“If you’re spending an excessive amount of time on social media and feelings of sadness, dissatisfaction, frustration, or loneliness are impacting your life, it may be time to re-examine your online habits and find a healthier balance” (Click here to read full article.)

The article also shares the below warning:

“While each social media outlet has its benefits, it’s important to remember that social media can never be a replacement for real-world human connection. It requires in-person contact with others to trigger the hormones that alleviate stress and make you feel happier, healthier, and more positive. Ironically for a technology that’s designed to bring people closer together, spending too much time engaging with social media can make you feel more lonely and isolated—and exacerbate mental health problems such as anxiety and depression (Click here to read full article.)”

This is what I begin noticing within myself. Thankfully, I was able to notice this. I believe God was giving me wisdom by allowing me to realize what was going on. Many people experience this and allow the anxiety to advance into something more uncontrollable and find it hard to get back to a place of centeredness and peace. However, as believers, peace is our inheritance (John 14:27.) We should always be aware of anything that may come to threaten our peace and make proper adjustments. Read John Deloney’s book in its entirety to gain a better understanding of anxiety and limit your social media interactions to what suites your peace.

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5 Reasons Why Kevin Samuels Teachings are Dangerous for Women

While we live in this world we are not to live as those of the world’s system. As believers, we operate according to a different system and that system is the kingdom of God. This means as believers we have to be discerning about the wisdom and knowledge that we take in as it will either lead us to continue on the straight and narrow path or to veer off the path. The things that Kevin Samuels teaches on his YouTube channel can very easily lead many away especially women.

Sadly, many women are seeking advice from a father type figure, yet everyone who attempts to fill that role doesn’t have the heart of a father to protect, provide, and act as a priest—one who leads people to Christ and the full life God has for his people. Below are 5 reasons I believe Kevin Samuel’s teachings are dangerous for single women.

He encourages women to devalue themselves

At a woman’s core, she desires security. Many men interpret this to mean financial security, but this will differ depending on the woman. In most cases, when dealing with a whole mature woman, she is secure when she is with a man who genuinely values her, is willing to love her, protect her, and cherish her. God has given women the right to practice discernment in communicating with a brother and vetting him for marriage if she so chooses; however, that right is gravely diminished for women who follow Kevin Samuel’s teachings. This process should be rushed according to Kevin because a woman should be elated that a “high-value man” took interest in her. Thus, by the 3rd date, she needs to gap her legs open for sex to repay the man. At that point, the man will decide if the woman is someone he can choose for a spouse.

God’s word shares that when we commit these sexual acts outside of marriage, we sin against ourselves. We are opening ourselves up to become one with someone who may or may not want to proceed further with us. This type of behavior requires a woman to become cold and bitter if she continues to endure this type of treatment from men. It requires her to put off her natural needs to be loved to be used. Men are excused of responsibility in this scenario because they are high-value. They make so much money that women should just be cool with this behavior according to Kevin.

However, women have a responsibility to protect themselves. This means ladies that if a man isn’t valuing you enough to protect you; you have to protect yourself. You are not obligated to sacrifice your peace of mind on the altar of a “high-value man.” Women who follow Kevin’s teachings are taught to idolize the high-value man at their own expense. Something the Bible clearly warns against.

See 1st Corinthians 6:18

He fails to give grace and mercy to single mothers

Out of all of the women, the high-value man should be able to become sexually involved with it should be the single mother according to Kevin’s videos. There is a greater demand and expectation for the single mother to be easy when it comes to a high-value man because she is looked at as having already been sexually active; thus, she should not have a problem continuing her previous behavior with the high-value man. After all, no high-value man wants a single mom when other younger women are available with no kids. This is simply manipulation. It’s a mind-trick to make the single mother believe that she is somehow less worthy of waiting until marriage to have sex because she’s done it in her past. Does this sound familiar to any of my readers? This sounds like condemnation—a trick that Satan pulls on God’s children to convince them to continue in sin because they’ve already sinned in the past. There is no redemption for the single mom according to Kevin. If the high-value man cannot count on any woman for sex, for sure, he should be able to count on the single mom. She should be so desperate and thankful that a high-value man chose her that she should be ready. Why does such a high-value man need to manipulate a woman to get her to want him? Why can’t he just present himself as an awesome guy and court the woman according to her standards and the woman of her own accord decides to give her hand to him in marriage and surrender herself to him including her body? This is because the high-value man excuses himself of working on himself. He hides behind the fact that he has money hoping that will draw a woman to him who agrees with his behavior. This is similar to a pimp, who breaks a woman down, sends her out on the street to do the dirty work, and collects the money from her. It’s irresponsible and not characteristic behavior of a suitable husband. In other words, the high-value man, like a pimp, puts the woman at greater risk by pimping her to men who do not value her and he receives the benefit. Do you see the correlation?

Even God himself humbled himself and he is the highest value man there ever was to win the favor of his bride—the church. He displayed his desire for the church by having mercy on her not holding her sin against her, but forgiving her, protecting her, and covering her with his covenant. God’s bride in turn willingly submits to him and God doesn’t have to beg for what he wants. We are willing in light of God’s goodness toward us. This is the type of relationship we ought to seek to have. This is the type of relationship we are worthy of—someone who values us as God does—someone who loves us like Christ.

Therefore, I urge you, brothers and sisters, in view of God’s mercy, to offer your bodies as a living sacrifice, holy and pleasing to God–this is your true and proper worship. – Romans 12:1

He encourages men to draw their value and worth from the amount of money they make

A high-value man is a man who makes six figures. Supposedly, this is the man that all of us women are supposed to want. This man dresses nice and can have his pick of the best of the bunch. I shared earlier how if the main thing a man has to bring to the table is just his money and not integrity, well-developed character, a fear for God, direction, love, care, humility then the high-value man isn’t worth much to many women when it comes to choosing a marriage partner. Money can buy a body, but it cannot buy love. Money cannot keep a relationship together for 40 years. There are women out there who would be open to a relationship based on money and not love. Perhaps that is the audience he is targeting. It should not be the church and those of us in the church should not value a man off of his money alone.

The Responsibility for Marriages to work seems to be placed on the women and not both the men and women

This point I’ve noted from my male friends who listen to Kevin Samuels as though he is speaking for them and defending them from all of the rejection they’ve ever faced from a woman in their lives. An emphasis is placed on the low marriage rate in the Black community and the high incidence of single motherhood. Feminism and the advances that came because of feminism are the culprits behind this they say. Thus, Black women need to get with the available brothers to bridge this gap. Women of old before the advances of the feminist movement were able to get married young and marriages stayed together for a long time they say.

My thoughts: First, it cannot be assumed that women are single because they are feminists. I do not know any feminist women single or married. These are assertions that are assumed of women without having a conversation with them which is disrespectful. What many women are aware of are the positive aspects of living in 2021 as a woman. We can go to work as women and make enough money to take care of ourselves which eliminates one of the main reasons women of the old school got married which was to leave their parent’s home.

The requirements to gain a wife have gotten higher since the 1950s. Men have to bring more than money to the table. Women have to be genuinely interested in the man. This is good for both sides because both the man and the woman have an opportunity to have the peace of mind that someone is choosing them for them and not their money. This is true if we vet people well. This isn’t a bad thing. It simply requires more effort on both sides, not just one side.

The responsibility for marriages to work should not simply be placed on the woman. This is a huge turn-off to feminine women when a man wants her to take responsibility for herself and him instead of him taking responsibility for his role in a potential relationship as well.

Another important note is as women became freer to work and to vote and have a respectable place in society; domestic violence has decreased. This is in part because women aren’t staying in those scenarios as much as they used to because the man was the provider and the woman could not take care of the children financially on her own. Again, another positive aspect of the women’s suffrage movement. Finally, it’s not a woman’s job to take on a savior complex for the Black community to lend herself out to a man she isn’t interested in to save the marriage rate in the Black community. A woman’s standards should be respected enough to make herself available to the gentleman of her choice. Period!!!!

He takes away or doesn’t respect a woman’s right to choose for herself

Kevin was in a video I viewed on Instagram telling a woman that she should not be attracted to her potential husband or suitor. It’s not about her but him. She is the attractive one. This is in line with the woman being treated like a trophy wife. A trophy wife is there for appearances. She simply makes the man look good so he has bragging rights to other men on how he was able to bag her―this reeks of emptiness. This type of relationship is only one-sided. Only the man gets the benefit he desires and the woman gets to feel like she is on parade. Does she get love? Perhaps not. Does she get exclusivity? Perhaps not. A woman’s desires, needs, and vision for her life are important too. No woman will get what she needs by caving into chauvinistic selfish men. We have to hold up standards for ourselves. Our standards protect us. If a man doesn’t meet your most valued standards; move on. You have a right as a woman to do so.

Any man who treats you like you are his property because he is a man and you are a woman and thus you need to fall in line isn’t worthy of you. He simply doesn’t respect you. There seems to be an entitlement spirit with Kevin and his audience of men because they have money. Healthy relationships are built on a foundation of mutual respect, not one party controlling the other. Control is normally a trait of the insecure. A person is so insecure and full of fear that they make extra concessions to ensure things will work out as they wish. If the high-value man is so valuable, why does he have to control what a woman does? Why does he have to trick her―manipulating her out of her values? This is witchcraft and mind control. The Bible is clear that rebellion is as the sin of witchcraft. Don’t rebel against your God-given values and standards for yourself due to witchcraft and mind control from others. Remember our boundaries and values we set up to protect us. They also show us who genuinely cares about us and who only wants to use us. Without proper values, we are like desperate men groping and grappling for stability. People who abandon their values live in a broken place.

Add a woman has a right to choose without providing an explanation why she did not choose a particular gentleman. A woman doesn’t have to say yes or welcome a guy’s attention she isn’t interested in and that should be respected just like a man’s choice should be respected. If a woman isn’t attracted to a brother, she doesn’t have to pretend she is.

I could go on. Many of Kevin’s teachings for men are rooted in narcissism, which is such a self-indulged way of thinking that satisfies one’s self-indulgence does so at the expense of others—particularly women. We cannot raise strong families on narcissistic, chauvinistic thinking. Both men and women need to be treated like two equal parties in Christ who value one another and the unique aspects of manhood and femineity that complement one another. Men and women were made together in the image of God to complement one another while honoring God—not to fight against each other. None of Kevin’s ungodly doctrine should be championed in the church or among church circles. Simply put it’s dangerous and reckless.

Nevertheless, neither is the man without the woman, neither is the woman without the man, in the Lord. For as the woman is of the man, even so, is the man also by the woman; but all things of God. – 1 Corinthians 11:11-12

Simply put, both men and women need each other. We should be working on humbling ourselves to one another to become one instead of fighting against one another and pointing the finger. It only breeds further division.

Disclaimer: This is a Christian blog. Therefore, I cannot allow comments that demean a person based on their ethnicity, race, gender, familial status, single status or has provocative language such as using four letter words. Thank you for being respectful with your comments!

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5 Ways to Refresh Your Intimate Relationship w/God

Choose a different prayer time than normal
Seeking the Lord at a different prayer hour than the norm is a way to break the monotony of your daily routine of seeking the Lord where you may have become accustomed to the same thing. If your prayer has become somewhat dry and routine praying at a different hour can help to freshen things up. If you normally pray at 6 a.m., but the Lord wakes you up at 3 a.m. instead, go ahead and get out of bed and visit a different room in your house outside of your bedroom and begin to seek the Lord.

Put some piano prayer music on
There is an artist named Dappy Keys who plays instrumental prayer and worship music on YouTube. It’s a great way to set the mood to worship and the quietness that is needed in seeking the Lord. If you’re already up at a very early hour like 3 a.m., the house will already be quiet and dark. Quietness and praying in the dark together I’ve found are good recipes to seek the Lord undistracted.

Limit the Media You Take in
Much of the media that we take in is based on sensationalism. Sensationalism has a way of changing the appetite of the consumer. After taking in so much sensationalism, we begin to want it more and more. We desire what we feed ourselves. Be careful what videos you click on that pop up in your YouTube feed. We want to have a hunger and a thirst for God that we can expect to be filled as this is a promise from God. Begin to be intentional about looking up pastors and leaders that prick your heart toward God and seeking him.

Blessed are those who hunger and thirst for righteousness, for they will be filled. – Matthew 5:6

Play worship music in the home
Music is a great way to shift the heartstrings moving them to where we want our hearts to go. If we want our hearts to go toward the Lord; we can play our favorite worship playlist. After a while, everything that we are doing will begin to work together—the early prayers, limiting media that doesn’t draw us toward God, playing the worship music. Before we know it, we will be worshiping the Lord more easily. What we are doing is setting our affections on the Lord. God’s word reminds us to set our affections and desires on him.

Set your minds on things above, not on earthly things. – Colossians 3:2

Evaluated your circle
Are those in your circle those who would lead you more toward carnality and less toward the Lord? Pray about limiting time with these types of people. Pray about when it’s okay to be around them if it’s okay to be around them. Some people we need to cut off and others may only be in our lives as associates and not confidants and friends. Pray that God gives you Johnathan and David relationships where you all can honor God together.

Repent and Turn away from any sin (Bonus)
Sin separates us from God as we struggle with loving the sin versus loving God. Repent means to change direction. Turn away from your sin and seek God for his power to overcome sin. You may also have to fast and pray. Do not allow a mindset of condemnation to have dominion over you, but stand firm in the Lord with the armor of God on until you experience deliverance.

But your iniquities have separated you from your God; your sins have hidden his face from you so that he will not hear. – Isaiah 59:2

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Dealing w/Disappointment:

Disappointment is inevitable when we have hope. Everyone will experience disappointment. The idea is not to avoid hope to avoid disappointment but to process disappointment well. The Bible says hope deferred makes the heart sick, but a longing fulfilled is a tree of life (Proverbs 13:12.)

Even the Bible acknowledges the relationship between hope and disappointment and the inevitability of heart-sickness as a result of not experiencing the longing we’d hoped for, but it doesn’t stop there. The second part reminds us of the possibility of what we are longing for and when the possibility is fulfilled it will be a gift that keeps on giving.

The whole thought of the scripture provides the hope that we need to continue hoping and believing after experiencing disappointment. If you’ve ever asked yourself should you continue to have an expectation of hope after experiencing disappointment; the answer is yes you should.

How do you normally process disappointment? Self-awareness is an important tool that allows us to become aware of areas of weakness in our lives as well as strength. Becoming aware of how we process disappointment can help us to make tweaks where necessary to ensure processing disappointment in a healthy way that results in continued hope.

Recently, I’d experienced a disappointment and initially, I thought that it would help to talk out the disappointment with a friend until I realized that talking with my friend about the disappointment made me upset. I found that some of my friends aren’t comfortable with discussing my disappointments and instead of listening and allowing me to process my thoughts; one of my friends continued to change the subject, I guess, to take my mind off of the disappointment and that made me more upset.

Why? Because I need to process the disappointment to view it in a healthy way. Changing the subject was not helpful for me. This experience taught me that I need to process my thoughts first before bringing someone into it or perhaps to process it with a professional, who is trained to listen instead of a friend who is uncomfortable with seeing me disappointed.

Something else I realized is that processing the disappointment allows us to move on. It’s like when someone dies and we have a funeral. The funeral is to allow the living to process the transition of the one who died. Why? Because the living has a responsibility to continue on living. Without the processing of the transition of the loved one no longer being alive; it can be very difficult to move on with hope. However, when the death is processed and burial has taken place it provides somewhat of an ending that allows for closure and the future hope of the living.

Processing our disappointment allows us to move on to hopefully see the tree of life the scripture speaks about in the process of having our hope deferred and then finally coming to believe again. What are some ways you process disappointment?

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When Waiting for Sex Stay True to You & Your Convictions:

I have to share this lesson that I’ve noticed when it comes to waiting to have sex. God’s honest truth is that we need to stay true to ourselves. There is so much judgment and shame when it comes to singles, women, and the right time to have sex or not.

We all have been watching Season 12 of Married at First Sight which has been heart-droppingly sad to watch. Mainly, because of the pain that Paige is allowing herself to be dragged through. There is a judgment that says one is darned if she does and darned if she doesn’t when it comes to sex. What do I mean by this? I mean there will always be those who talk, gossip, disagree or have something down-right ugly to say whether we wait or not, so we may as well stay true to ourselves and wait to reap the benefits of those that wait. The most important thing is if your conviction is to wait for sex; honey! You need to simply do that.

We watched Iris get dragged during Season 9 of Married at First Sight for not having sex with Keith and now on Season 12 Paige is being dragged and called stupid for having sex with her husband every night while he makes it clear to the world he doesn’t want her. In the eyes of others, there will always be this, “darned if you do and darned if you don’t response.” However, each of us has to live with the consequences and benefits of our own actions.

Thus, we should never allow the opinions and critiques of others to persuade us to turn aside from our heart-felt and God-given convictions. This season of Married at First Sight is so educational on so many levels, but I simply want to point out that Paige is living with the consequences of being with a man sexually she did not know and did not have a genuine commitment from outside of the process of Married at First Sight. Well, Married at First Sight is for a set time period then the decision is made. The time on the show should be a period to learn if the other party is trust-worthy so the parties can decide if they can build together or not.

Iris on Season 9 took the time to attempt to get to know her partner and to see if they could mesh well. Thankfully, she did not sleep with him because, in the end, they found that they were going in two separate directions. Iris saved herself from being bonded to Keith emotionally through the hormone released during sex called Oxytocin. Oxytocin is known as the bonding hormone. It causes couples to feel bonded together whether they have a strong foundation for their relationship or not.

Iris did not have to worry about getting pregnant by a guy who did not want her or having to co-parent a child with a guy who doesn’t care for her like that. She did not have to worry about getting an STD either. She can move on and heal more easily with no strings attached. These are the benefits of staying true to yourself.
On the other hand, Paige is very much so attached to Chris. She constantly shares how confused she is which is natural when sex is bought into the picture too soon. It clouds one from sound judgment. This is why we see her continuing to try to win Chris’s affection by constantly giving herself to him with no protection. She leaves herself vulnerable to have a child potentially with someone who doesn’t care for her. She left herself open to possibly getting an STD which is likely with Chris’ record with women. Finally, all of the energy Paige has invested into Chris and the already failed relationship should be re-invested into herself. She needs to level-up and get some higher self-esteem about herself.

Giving ourselves to those who value us just as much as we value ourselves when we are at our best provides a level of security and safety that we innately desire as women. This is what we can expect to experience when not only waiting until marriage to have sex but being healthy and whole enough to choose a partner willing to give this to us in marriage.

The point of comparing Iris & Paige is that they were two women in similar predicaments, who made two different choices. They both got dragged for their choices and they both had to live with the consequences or benefits of their choices just like us.

There is a scripture that says all people will have to suffer something. That is the nature of being in this fallen world, but the scripture goes on to share that it is better to suffer for righteousness’s sake than not. Suffering for righteousness will reap rewards reserved for the righteous. So, yes it will be hard at times. People will talk no matter the decision we make. But it’s better to make the right decision and suffer the scoffs of those who lack understanding and yet remain safe in the practice of God’s commandments. 

For it is better, if it is God’s will, to suffer for doing good than for doing evil.- 1 Peter 3:17
The precepts of the LORD are right, giving joy to the heart. The commands of the LORD are radiant, giving light to the eyes. – Psalms 19:8

If we genuinely stay true to ourselves, our God, our value, and worth, we will one day attract and experience the genuine love and care that we all desire.

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Lessons Girls Like Paige Can Learn from Married at First Sight

It’s our responsibility as women to guard our hearts while getting to know a guy before going all-in:
It’s our responsibility as women to guard our hearts while getting to know a guy not going all in, but instead practicing discernment. I know Paige was put into a unique situation by being married at first sight to a stranger, but the reality is still true that Chris is a stranger. With strangers, we hope for the best and judge behavior by looking out for our best interests. This is called practicing discernment. Discernment must be practiced when getting to know someone for a relationship instead of going all in. When we go all-in in the beginning without getting to know someone; we experience more hardship than we may have had to. We are harshly awakened to the reality of our lack of judgment with the sudden pain that is a result of us missing the clear red flags that were so clearly before us had we taken the time to look letting time reveal the mystery of who our potential love interest is.

Just because a guy says Jesus, he’s a Christian, or something churchy doesn’t mean he is a good match:
We’ve gotten to a place with some single women where the standard is just extremely low. Paige got so excited saying, yes and exclaiming how this relationship is God putting her together with Chris all because Chris said something religious. That is a low standard. Just because someone mentions religion doesn’t mean they are a good match or a good witness of that religion. Chris has a religious background and is deep in the church, but that doesn’t mean God’s character is deep in him. Simply put, Chris is immature. He needs to go through several trials and tribulations before coming to the maturity to take on a wife. He’d been going back and forth between his ex that he was engaged to 3 months before the show and the idea of being with Paige. Recently, we found out that not long before Married at First Sight he slept with his ex again and now she is pregnant. Paige has been bought into the middle of all of this unfairly knowing what she was getting herself into. Chris is what the Bible calls double-minded. A double-minded person is a dishonest person who is constantly between two opinions or choices not making up their mind for a particular path. The Bible goes on to say, “let not that man receive anything from God.” The Bible also says that every good and perfect gift comes from God. This lets us know it isn’t God putting this couple together, but man. If it were God, he would have waited until Chris was ready.

The Bible says that a double-minded man is unstable in all of his ways. This perfectly describes Chris. His life right now is unstable and he bought a stranger into his instability. Ladies, when a man is unstable, double-minded, and cannot decide if he really wants you or other women; leave him alone. He is not ready. Further, sometimes guys will stay with the girl they really don’t want because they think it’s the right thing to do. This creates more hurt for the girl, in this case, Paige later on down the line as she may have invested more into the relationship holding out for the hope of the man’s misleading signals. Chris is clearly sharing with us the audience on his video confessions that he feels trapped with Paige. He also shared how he did not feel that she was attractive to him. Why is he being dishonest with himself and staying? Paige would do well to look at this man’s actions and not just listen to his words that do not add up.

Your only purpose in life is not marriage:
Paige has said again and again her only purpose in life is to get married and have kids. Marriage is honorable and so is raising children, but that cannot be our only purpose in life because we aren’t married from the womb to the tomb. There is in-between time and sometimes lots of in-between time. Will we avoid walking in purpose before marriage or if our marriage partner dies leaving us widowed? No.

We have to get rid of this imbalanced idea that we aren’t walking in purpose or really living our lives until we are married. This backward thinking causes many women to look past red-flags that should be caught at the gate just to be married. We don’t want to be miserably married; we want to be wisely married to someone who compliments who we are. This takes growth and maturity. It takes self-awareness and self-discovery of ourselves and our purposes before marriage not just after marriage.

Thankfully, many Millennials are wising up and deciding to marry later after they’ve done some work on themselves and grown, so they will not bring unnecessary baggage into their marriage relationship. This is frowned on by some who pressure Christians and especially Christian women to simply marry without teaching them to practice proper discernment to choose a worthy partner. Many women and men put off their purpose or never discover their purpose because they allow the wrong relationships to distract them. I believe Paige is in a learning process like many other women and she will have to pay attention to what is going on to avoid dealing with a similar situation in the future. We don’t just want to be married. We want marriages that last.

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Good Girl Gone Bad…

How does a good girl go bad? The main way a good girl goes bad is to allow unbelief to take root in her heart. This normally happens through focusing on the wrong thing. Every single Christian woman who has attempted to honor God during her season of waiting for a godly spouse has asked herself the question is it really worth it to continue doing the right thing while being left in waiting while others veer off the path and are soon after in what appears to be a successful marriage.

I always remind others as well as myself that yes, it is worth it. It’s also worth it to protect how we value giving our lives as an offering to God even in waiting for a spouse; we have to be careful what we focus on. Focusing on the wrong thing can cause us to fret.

Recently, I learned that to fret means the below:

  1. To eat or gnaw into or corrode. To corrode means to destroy or damage slowly. Destroy or weaken gradually.
  2.  Fret comes from the Old English word freton which means to devour like an animal. When you fret over something, it consumes your thoughts.
  3.  For example: If you tell your mother not to fret about you while you go off to war, you’re telling her not to worry about you too much. (Vocabulary.com)

What is being corroded when a good girl goes bad? And what is being corroded when we fret? Our faith and trust in God, his goodness, and the worthiness of the process of suffering involved with obeying God and his way. When people allow their faith and trust in God and his way to be corroded; they resign to disbelief, bitterness, coldness of heart, pride and they begin to emulate the wicked. This is how so many good girls and guys turn bad not realizing that this is simply a part of the process of walking with God―to view the wicked seemingly prospering while obeying God in spite of allowing this process to develop Godly character w/I us.

Single Christian women and men aren’t the first to experience discouragement at seeing the wicked prosper. Asaph, the writer of the 73rd Psalm addresses these very same feelings when he says the below:

Surely in vain, I have kept my heart pure
     and have washed my hands in innocence.
 All day long I have been afflicted,
     and every morning brings new punishments. – Psalms 73:13-14

This is nothing new as there is nothing new under the sun. This is a challenge that many believers have faced for many years. You’re not alone if you’ve ever felt this way. Asaph was going through a challenge where he had been watching the prosperity of the wicked. However, he concluded that the prosperity of the wicked was not their end. God instead caused the wicked to go through things to humble them bringing them to the reality of God’s truth.

King David also addresses this saying in Psalms 37 that we should not fret ourselves because of evildoers nor be envious of them because they will soon be cut off and will wither like a dying plant. Instead, David encourages us to trust in the Lord and continue to do good. This is where he adds the famous scripture and promise from God to the righteous below:

Take delight in the Lord,
     and he will give you the desires of your heart. – Psalms 37:4

That word delight in the Strong’s dictionary means: To be soft, be delicate, be dainty. To be happy about, take exquisite delight. To make merry over, make sport. Delight also has a verb meaning: to be soft, pliable, effeminate, or luxurious delight.

I find it interesting that us guarding our hearts and allowing ourselves to remain soft and pliable to the Lord is what it truly means to take delight in the Lord and of course that leads to joy in the Lord which is our strength. Even more interesting is the association with delight as a verb to mean effeminate which is a metaphor, I believe to show the softness, safety, and security that a woman values and desires from her husband. I believe the Lord is sharing with us that with God as our Lord we should be so secure, safe, soft, and open to God’s faithfulness in fulfilling His promises to us and taking care of all necessary business.

Further, the opposite of delighting in the Lord and allowing ourselves to fret is to have a hardened and bitter heart against the Lord which leads to evil and emulation of the wicked. Look at the below scripture from Asaph as he was tested in this very same way:

When my heart was grieved
     and my spirit embittered,
 I was senseless and ignorant;
     I was a brute beast before you. – Psalms 73:22-23

David likewise warns sharing that fretting only leads to sin:

Refrain from anger and turn from wrath;
     do not fret—it leads only to evil.
 For those who are evil will be destroyed,
     but those who hope in the Lord will inherit the land. – Psalms 37:8-9

Instead of fretting, we should focus on the faithfulness of our God. We should read the entire Psalms 37 and 73 to see the whole conclusion of the matter. We should meditate on scriptures like the below and prioritize the testimonies of others who have walked similar paths and overcome through God’s grace:

The blameless spend their days under the Lord’s care,
     and their inheritance will endure forever.
 In times of disaster they will not wither;
     in days of famine, they will enjoy plenty. – Psalms 37:18-19

In meditating on scriptures like the above and keeping our hearts clear of bitterness and unbelief, we will avoid being good girls who turn bad and we will experience and see the goodness of God in our lives for ourselves.

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