I’m a firm believer that God leaves memorials throughout history in the form of people to point to him and his goodness. God did this within African American history. Although, God did not ordain the sinful acts against African Americans; he worked within the framework of things that happened to help African Americans experience freedom creating a memorial for generations to come reminding us that he loves us and is with us.

God spoke to Joshua sharing that he needed to take 12 men from the tribes of Israel. Each man would need to carry a stone to create a memorial forever (Joshua 12:2-7.) This memorial was to be reflective of a similar miracle God had done previously through Moses when he split the Red Sea. Well, at this point, Moses was dead.

God was revealing himself to Joshua in similar ways he’d revealed himself to Moses. God had caused the Jordan river to be dried up for the children of Israel to pass over it (Joshua 3:12-17.) This was to be a memorial to the next generations to come. This memorial was to remind each generation that God would be with them and for them as he’d been with Moses, Joshua, and so on.

Likewise, we have similar memorials of God being with us within African American history. Africans who tell stories to preserve our history and culture are called Griots in parts of Africa. This is reflective of what the Israelites had as they passed down the stories of deliverance out of Egypt to their children. These memorials reflect the gospel of Jesus Christ and they remind us that God isn’t a partial God that excludes us, but he is also for us.

I recall this when I read books from our ancestors who trusted in Christ to challenge racially biased systems that were set up to oppress us. It is through many who followed Christ that many of the biased laws in this country have been changed into a position of justice for all, not just some.

Ida B. Wells shared in the prayer below comparing her journey to that of the children of Israel. She’d experienced a ruling in her favor regarding a racial incident on a train that had been overturned by the Supreme Court of Tennessee:

“O God, is there no redress, no peace, no justice in this land for us? Thou has always fought the battles of the weak and oppressed. Come to my aid at this moment and teach me what to do, for I am sorely, bitterly disappointed. Show us the way, even as thou led the children of Israel out of bondage into the promised land.”

Ida’s prayer and her very life along with the lives of many within African American history serve as memorials to us. We are the future generations that are refreshed to see that as God stood with them, he will also stand with us. This is particularly important for many of us within the Black community. When a single woman like myself logs on to a dating app or meets Black men in person who shows interest in me. And he shares that he is spiritual, but not religious—meaning that he doesn’t acknowledge Christ as his savior—my heart is grieved.

Why? Because there is damage that is done when African-Americans do not know their history and culture for themselves. Or, when African-Americans misunderstand their history and culture to be limited by what they currently see. A lot of what we see today is the result of what happened years before we got here.

There have always been challenges, but things have gotten better and will continue to get better due to the work of those who have come before us. Ida B. Wells was very well known for her writings, campaigns, and speaking to bring mass attention to lynchings that took place against African-Americans mostly males.

She noted that there was no due process, but these things were carried out by angry mobs. Without her work, those in the southern states of America would still be afraid that they could be killed without the due process of law simply for being a successful Black business owner.

Ida noted that Lynching’s in the south were a form of domestic terrorism to discourage success among Black business owners. This ministry of fighting against lynching had begun after a friend of Ida’s, a Black store owner in the community of Tennessee, had been lynched for defending his store. There had been White agitators who were stealing out of his store and harassing him. The law would not protect the store saying it was out of the jurisdiction.

Thus, permission was given to the store owner to defend his store by local authorities. The store owner, Thomas Moss, was later killed by an angry mob and Ida shared this story and others among many crusading people of all backgrounds against the evil terror of lynching.

Her persistent spirit in the face of terror to champion the cause of loving her neighbor while fighting the evil of lynching is a testament to the strength she had from her faith in Christ. Because of her obedience to what God placed on her heart to do many were saved from the unfair death of lynching. We can walk the streets of Memphis today without the fear of an angry mob terrorizing our young men.

Booker T. Washington shared how many Afro-Americans just wanted to learn to read the Bible for themselves after slavery had ended. Ida’s parent’s focused on the same thing learning to read the Bible for themselves. There was a hunger to know what God said for one’s self instead of only taking the word of the former slave masters, who taught that slavery was Biblically appropriate.

This is one of the falsehoods that was proven wrong when our people became armed with the knowledge of how to read for themselves. We could rest in the fact that while slavery always existed in various societies; it was never something that God said should exist. Thus, the narrative that God ordained slavery or that Christianity is a White man’s religion is false. These things should not be passed down within African American history.

God never degraded a group of people above or below another. Those ideas came from greedy Americans, who wanted to build a business that would make them rich without having to pay for labor. That’s how slavery among Afro-Americans came into existence in America not because God ordained it.

This truth gave our ancestors a new sense of pride and acceptance by God and acceptance of themselves. One of my favorite ancestors to read about is Sojourner Truth who named herself changed her name to Sojourner Truth after becoming free from slavery. Like many, she sought to explore her new identity and to take advantage of her newfound freedom.

She clung tightly to her relationship with Christ passed down from her parents. Her mom would encourage her when her siblings were sold away from the family on the plantation by sharing, “your brothers and sisters may not be here with you, but they are under God’s same blue sky.”

Sojourner shares in her biography an interesting story of how God sent an angel to help her to get her 6-year-old son back after he was sold to another state that required Afro-Americans to be enslaved for life. Sojourner had been a slave in New York where slavery was eventually outlawed once a slave made a certain age.

Like our ancestors, we need to read the Bible for ourselves and seek to have a personal intimate relationship with God for ourselves. If we do not learn history or God’s word for ourselves we become left to the mercy of what others tell us rather right or wrong.

Our ancestors humbled themselves before the Lord in having their own intimate relationship with God through Jesus Christ. If we do not get an understanding for ourselves, we may believe some of the negative innuendos taught in media and culture that brand Afro-Americans in many aspects as lazy, unemployed, and immoral people.

When we look around in certain impoverished communities if we do not know our history of how things became the way they are we may be tempted to believe the media as true. There is an old doll study that has shown that African American children have psychologically picked up the idea that Black is bad and White is good.

The gospel is salvation for all men who believe not just Black men, White men, Jewish men, or whatever our background. The gospel of Jesus Christ and salvation is for all men. Studying and sharing the stories of those within African American history who came before us, who trusted in Christ, has become a memorial to me that reminds me I am on the right path and God is with me as he has been with my ancestors.

Perfectionists can be stressed out people because perfectionists often keep up appearances to be approved by others. They embrace the pride from their works of perfection to be accepted. When they do well, they feel good about themselves. When they fail at their efforts; they feel as if they aren’t good enough. Perfectionists have inner issues that they need to overcome to be free from the rabbit hole of perfectionism. Embracing the fact that we are humans with weaknesses can be a great start to overcome perfectionism and embrace the grace God has already set aside for our weaknesses. One of our greatest Biblical teachers and Apostles, Paul in scripture shared the below scripture as a personal lesson he’d learned from the Lord:

But he said to me, “My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.” Therefore, I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ’s power may rest on me.

2 Corinthians 2:9

He learned to embrace humility through embracing his weakness in the sight of God’s power. This is extraordinarily important in the lives of believers. As salvation does not occur by man’s ability alone, but by God’s power. Humility is required to invite God’s power not only to secure salvation but to walk in security in every area of our lives.

Are you afraid you will not measure up to God’s standard for your gift? Or are you afraid you won’t measure up in representing God in other ways? Things like your ability to practice self-control, your dress, your marriage, parenting, or being parented? We can have weaknesses in any area and through humility and looking to God experience the success we are afraid we will not measure up to.

So many Christians neglect trusting God through humility and trust their works instead. Perfectionism becomes their God and when they are successful; they feel good about themselves. When they fall; however, they fall harder because they depended on their own strength in the first place to succeed.Perfectionism is a trap. Brene’ Brown shares that perfectionism is a self-destructive and addictive belief. It is practiced to avoid shame and to gain the approval of others. Perfectionism keeps up the appearance of being perfect, but none of us are perfect. We are only human. Humans make mistakes. Humility allows us to be compassionate toward ourselves and to love ourselves through our imperfections.

I love the saying that says:

Work like it all depends on you, but also pray like it all depends on God.

-Anonymous

I’m not teaching imbalance here. I don’t want anyone to walk away and say to themselves. They’ll no longer put any effort into offering their best. That isn’t what I am saying at all. After all, scripture tells us faith without works is dead.

What I am saying is don’t be so hard on yourself and others that hardcore perfectionism is what you lean on to meet the status quo. The status quo isn’t always God’s status quo. Sometimes, it’s a group of people’s status quo for themselves that isn’t rooted in a balanced interpretation of scripture. In other cases, a person’s maturity level has not bought them to a place of fruit in Christ yet.

Whatever the case may be, being too hard on ourselves with perfectionism shows a dependence on ourselves. It’s another form of pride. Pride is often the precursor to a fall that takes place because someone relied on their own strength or ability too much.

Pride goes before destruction, a haughty spirit before a fall.

Proverbs 16:18

Embracing humility, on the other hand, leans on God. Someone who embraces humility embraces the fact they are weak in various areas. The result is receiving God’s grace for their weakness. This is how we all make it in Christ. It isn’t because we’ve worked so hard and have never made any mistakes.

We all have sinned and fallen short of God’s standard for our lives. This is why we embrace Christ and what he did for us in paying the penalty for our shortcomings. We know we could not do this on our own.
The Bible is clear. God gives his grace to the humble not the prideful:

But he gives us more grace. That is why Scripture says: “God opposes the proud but shows favor to the humble.”

James 4:6

A final reason it’s so important for believers to embrace humility as a way of life is because we are the examples God’s left in the world for men to begin to know Christ. If our example is perfectionism to the world, how will they know they can also be saved?

Perfectionism and religious pride are one way to stand in the way of sinners as God warns against in Psalms 1. Many sinners outside of Christ already feel alienated from God. Some struggle to believe that salvation in Christ could be a path for them as they do not feel they measure up.

Many feel as though they have to have a level of perfection before they come to Christ when all that’s required is genuine faith and humility toward God. God works with us where we are at. He allows us to become sanctified through a process of getting to know him. If we were more honest about our struggles and how we’ve overcome them; perhaps more would follow our example.

When we receive God’s grace we can better give ourselves grace embracing humility and avoid the pitfalls of perfectionism.

The Bible talks about the deceitfulness of riches and its ability to choke the Word of God out of us. At that point, the Word of God is no longer our focus, but other things that we deem more important.

But the worries of this life, the deceitfulness of riches, and the desires for other things come in and choke the word, making it unfruitful.

– Mark 4:19

What are riches?

Riches are defined as the total of one’s property, wealth, sustenance, and net worth. Riches are necessary to function in this world. With them, we buy goods, services, and other needs.

Is having wealth bad?

Riches in and of themselves aren’t bad. It’s how we view the riches that can make it bad. Riches can create an illusion that everything is accessible simply by riches and thus other things that riches cannot buy aren’t useful. Things like character, love, and humility. Riches can very easily make one feel as though he has it all together. It’s important to have monetary riches as it answers all things as the Bible says:

A feast is made for laughter, and wine makes merry, but money answers all things. – Ecclesiastes 10:19

Someone with money can hire the best doctors, nutritionists, personal trainers, chefs, and live a long time. Whereas a poorer man may fall victim to certain illnesses more common to the lifestyle of someone poor who cannot afford as much. Money and riches definitely make a huge difference, but there are some things financial riches will not be able to resolve.

These things require humility and trust outside of one’s wealth. The illusion created by money that makes it deceitful is believing that’s all there is. Having money and wealth is the height and there is no need for anything else.

If riches aren’t bad what makes it deceitful?

People who are deceived by riches place their trust in their money and not in God. Mark 4 lets us know the seed of the Word of God gets planted into a man’s heart and there are different soils of our heart that the Word of God can either grow on producing fruit. Or, the Word of God can be choked or stunted not producing fruit in one’s life.

This is the illusion of the deceitfulness of riches. Deceit means a lie. More specifically, it means, “the act of causing someone to accept as true or valid what is false or invalid (Merriam Webster.”) Someone deceived by riches believes they no longer need the Word of God. They forget the path of humility and God’s hand of goodness promoting them to such a point of wealth.

This is why the Bible says it is difficult for a rich man to enter into the kingdom of heaven. A person deceived by riches is often prideful and doesn’t see the need to humble themselves to access various things in the kingdom of God that are only accessed through humility.

The Bible is clear that except we walk in humility as children we will in no wise inherit the kingdom of heaven.

What can someone who has been deceived by riches do?

The great thing is God is good! He allows various seasons to come into our lives that humble us bringing us back to our need for him. There is a story in the Old Testament about a King named Asa. He was a righteous king who sought the Lord. As Asa grew in riches, favor, and notoriety with his neighboring kings; he began to withdraw his trust from the Lord.

Instead, he began to replace his trust in the Lord with trust in riches. He can be seen in scripture paying off kings to rally with him to fight other nations. Previously, he’d sought the Lord about fighting other nations.

The Lord sent a prophet to king Asa to correct him. A judgment from God was pronounced on Asa saying from now on Asa will be at war because he felled to seek the Lord. Later, Asa fell victim to a foot disease, and even with the disease, he did not seek the Lord. He only sought help from what his riches could bring him calling for physicians.

We see one of the gravest mistakes in trusting in riches is seeking what it can do for you above what the Lord can do for us. The Bible says it’s God’s good pleasure to give us the kingdom. God has things for us that money cannot buy.

God is so good that he allows different seasons in our lives that allow us to go up and down with the pains and joys of life. The hope is that we would remember to seek and acknowledge the Lord in all seasons of our lives. It seems obvious to seek the Lord when we are down and out with no other options. However, when we are rich in the enjoyment of life we sometimes forget like King Asa.

The humble reminders work as a tool to bring us back to ourselves. Ourselves, simply put, are people in need of God. If no other season is so obvious as a need to seek the Lord it’s when we are down.

Perhaps the even-flow of things going so well during our richest seasons has convinced some of us that we no longer need God like Asa. Let’s examine our hearts when things are going well. Let’s ensure that we humble ourselves always keeping before us our need for God.

Being thankful and Remembering to Seek the Lord in all of Our Ways will Protect Us from the Deceitfulness of Riches

The following suggestions will help in avoiding the deceitfulness of riches: maintaining a posture of thankfulness and gratefulness, being open to correction, fasting and prayer, and keeping a consistent routine of seeking the Lord in all of our ways. We can help others achieve success who aren’t on our level yet but are willing to do the work to be someday as another way to remain grateful. If we continue in these things we will continue to bring forth fruit in our lives that riches cannot produce.

Looking to Jesus the author and Finisher of our faith!

Like many, I just got the news that Meagan Good Husband, Devon Franklin filed for divorce from Meagan Good. Of course, I am shocked as many of us single folk in the body of Christ looked up to Meagan and Meagan Good Husband, Devon. They were a primary example of hope for Black Love when seeking to honor God.

Here are a few things to remember as it relates to marriage, relationships, and divorce that can help us to stay in a place of hope without placing a false burden on Meagan Good Husband, Devon, and Meagan to be our gods of singleness who alone bare the burden of hope for a healthy marriage.

Just because we marry in Christ doesn’t mean we will be exempt from Divorce

Marriage is difficult in of itself and marriage in the entertainment industry has its own set of challenges. These things aren’t an excuse to give up, but in the end, sometimes marriage doesn’t work out for a couple. The Bible sites a primary reason marriage results in divorce. Due to the hardness of a man’s heart, many marriages result in divorce.

The hardness of the heart is the result of experiencing a hard thing over and over again with no resolution in sight. There are two options for this situation—endure and depend on God’s grace to forgive and love the person despite or run away from the situation resulting in a divorce.

Most people choose the latter because it’s easier. I cannot judge anyone who makes either choice as I’ve never been in that situation myself, but I have watched the example of others in like situations. I’ve seen both sides where some have endured and others have divorced. I do believe God’s grace is sufficient for either situation.

We need to process our feelings about this divorce and remember that Meagan Good husband, Devon, and Meagan are human beings in the process. Although, God used them to encourage many single believers toward abstinence until marriage and other helpful tools; they need encouragement and prayers too. Whatever the reason was for the divorce filing; let’s keep the both of them in prayer.

Let’s also pray for those who were encouraged by them as we all process this together. Our best bet is to continue in what we know–which is to depend on Christ in every area of our lives including our romantic lives. God still has marriages that stick together. God still has marriages that will stand the test of time. It takes two people going in the same direction sacrificing their lives to some degree for the greater good of the commitment of marriage which is still to be held in high regard.

After establishing who we are as single believers and walking out our process of wholeness, we need to have a clear vision of what we want in a spouse. For single Christian women, I share 9 characteristics of a godly man to look for while dating. I’d like to add that for us women, we must embody the characteristics we are looking for as well. This article is for those who have been doing the work to become the best version of themselves.

Does your godly man have an intimate relationship with God?

This is one of the most important and foundational things to look for. If a guy shares that he is a Christian; don’t be afraid to be curious and ask questions. You may ask something like, “when did you decide to give your life to Christ?” How did that come about? Or, when did you get serious about your relationship with Christ? You’re in a process of exploring. This is fun! You’ll get to know his story in a fun and non-interview type of way. The conversation should just flow.

At the same time, you’re learning about the depth and richness of his relationship with God. You’ll also learn whether it is surface, deep or brand new. Having a genuine and intimate relationship with God is so helpful as the Holy Spirit and the Word of God assist with the relationship. Also, this type of person may be more open to correction and support from other believers that can walk with you through the relationship.

Does he embody the character of a godly man by showing humility?

Humility is a breeding ground for growth. It’s the willingness to have a realistic view of one’s self. Our view of ourselves should not be too high or too low. It should be honest. This means we know we do not have all of the answers. We understand we are still learning and growing daily. We are willing to humble ourselves and listen to others. We realize we aren’t always right.

Humility is an open door in connecting with people. People want to connect with someone who values what they have to share. A prideful person on the other hand is self-absorbed. It’s all about him and his image. Prideful people are often hard to connect with as they build up walls keeping people out who disagree with them. Humble people know how to navigate in the uncomfortable spaces in life by just being. They aren’t trying to put on a show to impress people.

This is a great dynamic to have in a relationship as your voice will always be valued by a man of humility. A man of humility will be self-actualized in seeking wise counsel as well instead of assuming he has it all figured out.

Does your godly man submit himself to accountability?

What does his community look like? Does he submit himself to wise counsel? Does he have other godly men in his life modeling healthy relationships who can pour into him? Does he realize the importance of this? Is he just caught up in the cycle of surviving? Some men aren’t bad. They just simply have not learned or considered certain things. The conversation is key in evaluating a potential partner. What a man does with the conversation after he leaves the conversation is just as important.

If you date a man who has not considered the idea of accountability, observe what he does with the conversation. Does he bring it up to you again saying that made sense? Does he also begin to seek that out on his own? Is he consistent with healthy community and accountability after seeking it out on his own? These could be good signs that he simply just never thought about the idea, but now realizes the importance of it all. Don’t avoid the voice of the Holy Spirit when someone is taking on a new healthy trait. We want to have peace that it isn’t just being done for us, but him as well. It’s also important that he takes accountability for when he is wrong owning up and making corrections.

Does he love himself?

It is so important that the man we commit our lives to has a healthy relationship with himself. It should be obvious from the decisions he makes that he loves himself. He should not place himself in harmful situations devaluing his life. For example, he should not be involved in things like gang life. He should not abuse himself with substances not caring for his body. He should consistently invest in himself by exercising, eating healthy, and growing emotionally, mentally, and spiritually.

A man who intentionally cares for himself will intentionally care for others especially his future wife. See Ephesians 5. The contrary should be an immediate red flag. A man will need healthy spaces to share his insecurities and vulnerabilities. Look for healthy friendships that embody safety and wisdom for the potential beau.

Ask about how he handles difficult situations as the conversations get more serious. You want to know that he has safe spaces to run instead of unhealthy vices. Men who do not have healthy places to process pain and insecurity often abuse themselves and their women. You do not want to become the vice for a man’s dysfunction. You were not made to be abused, but to be a help-mate. This means that you come alongside him and walk with him. You cannot walk with someone abusing you, however.

Does he have a vision and does he execute his vision?

This is not a requirement for him to be perfect or have everything figured out. We all are walking out various processes figuring things out. Does he have a template or blueprint in his mind of where he wants to go? Is he taking real steps to get there? There is something that we teach in my field of work called SMART goals. A SMART goal is specific, measurable, attainable, realistic, and time-bound. This means there needs to be some concrete evidence of the vision that your potential beau is speaking of. If he doesn’t put in any actionable steps that can be measured over a period of time; he may not be serious about his vision.

Does your potential beau display the characteristic of a godly man called discipline?

What is the specific evidence that shows your potential suitor is disciplined? Does he purchase everything he wants right away with no preparation for the future? Has he had a period of remaining single and walking in discipline sexually?

Can he delay gratification for the reward that will be yielded in his future? What is the evidence that shows your potential is disciplined? How does he treat you? Does he respect your boundaries? Does he make excuses for having no self-control? If we have gone through a process with the Lord to go on to maturity in this area—we know our counterparts can do the same. A developed lifestyle of discipline shows a readiness to steward well. It may not be that a gentleman is a bad person if he lacks discipline. He just may not be ready to steward a season of dating.

Does he possess a diligent work ethic that models stability?

There is a lot of talk about men making six figures nowadays. However, it isn’t the dollar amount that a man is currently bringing in as much as it is the work ethic. A diligent work ethic with a well-executed plan will always engender more than enough. More than enough if what we need. This is part of the abundant life Christ died for us to have. However, we have to be disciplined enough to build financial stability.

A man needs to make room for a woman in his life. Thus, he will need to have a stable place to stay with the capacity to support himself, his future wife, and his children. Life happens to everyone and sometimes men fall on hard times. God has a promise in his word as it relates to this for men who are willing to take on the responsibility of a wife. God wants men while offering their best to trust him to provide stability and sustenance during unstable times. God’s favor is a guaranteed promise to men who take on the responsibility of a wife. However, a man will need to be wise enough to take advantage of this gift.

Is your godly man respectful?

Is your gentleman respectful? How does he treat others? Does he respect everyone or only those who can do something for him? This is a general rule. Does he respect authority or is he always pushing the limits? Every human being is worthy of respect. A person of respect should have boundaries set for themselves that they will not cross over with people. A pattern of disrespect can be a red flag. Even if he isn’t disrespectful toward you, he can be one day. Some people know how to play the role until they get what they want.

Does he operate out of honesty?

There is freedom that comes with honesty. That freedom allows trust to be built and the relationship to flourish. On the contrary, there is a nagging of distrust that comes with dishonesty. Any dishonesty in the relationship must be dealt with to get to the root of where the dishonesty is coming from. Dr. Henry Cloud shared that some people lie out of fear and self-protection while others lie out of a dishonest character.

The latter is done for selfish motives and should never be tolerated while the other can be resolved if the person is willing to grow. Read “Boundaries in Dating” and get the help of your community, therapist, or counselor to determine if you are dealing with a dishonest person versus someone who made a one-time mistake out of fear.

Don’t forget the simple things like kindness and the ability to give and receive love. Just because a man is spiritual or religious doesn’t mean he is a good catch. Examine the fruit. You will know the tree by the fruit it bears.

What are some characteristics you’d share to look for in a godly man? Leave your responses in the comments below.

Great News! Intercession For a Generation is featured in the top 15 blogs for Christian Singles on Feedspot. Click their link for other Christian Singles blogs and other online resources within their online directory.

What does Proverbs 18:22 really mean? This scripture has been drilled into women by religious leaders and teachers causing bondage. The teachings of this scripture have over-emphasized a mindset of women taking a passive role in the forming of a relationship. The teachings have even gone as far as to accuse women of being easy sexually if any type of effort is put forth in showing interest in a man.

These bad interpretations could not be further from the truth. Finally, these teachings have given men a pass to just find a woman and expect her to be open to a gentleman just because he has shown interest. The truth is a healthy and whole woman needs to properly evaluate a man using discernment. She should not be desperate or open to committing to anything just because a man took the lead in pursuing.

Many women are so full of low self-esteem that they simply wait for a man to show interest. They put all of their eggs in one basket once interest is shown forgetting they have a choice. They try to make it work with the gentleman who showed interest because it’s so rare that we are pursued by someone we like. A woman could very easily see the current pursuit as her only chance at love.

A mindset of desperation is birthed and women often overlook red flags trying to force something to work in this way. This is terrible teaching that puts women in bondage. We have to grow up as women and begin to walk in maturity because this isn’t it. Let’s break down what the scripture really means.

He who finds a wife finds what is good and receives favor from the LORD.

– Proverbs 18:22

I believe the scripture means exactly what it says. When a man finds a woman who has been developed into having the character of a wife, it isn’t a bad thing, but instead, it’s a good thing. Not only is it a good thing, but the man who is willing to take on the responsibility of a wife seeing it as a good thing will have favor.

Favor: The support or approval of someone (Cambridge Dictionary.)

There is intimidation that sometimes comes over a man when considering taking on the responsibility of a wife and the children birthed from the relationship. There are questions, such as will I be able to provide? Will we have enough? Will she respect me as a man if I fail? God is simply giving a promise to the man reassuring him that he will not fail in his endeavor of taking on a wife and family because God’s favor will support him. The man will thus not be on his own, but God’s favor will be with him.

This is also proven in the fact that men who marry typically live longer than men who do not marry. God’s favor with the husband even grants longer life in many cases.

Single women should find encouragement in the scripture knowing their value as women of character who make good wives is an asset. This is something to be celebrated. This isn’t something we should loathe over and feel the need to try hard to get men to see us as something good. Us just being us is enough. Developing into beautiful women who become our best selves is enough. We should not have a mindset of desperation. Instead, we should have a mindset of confidence.

Why be confident? Because God is with us and God is covering us. We should be at rest. Thus, this scripture should not be preached to shame women for desiring a husband—or positioning ourselves in places to be noticed by a potential husband. As long as our trust rests in the Lord to supply the needs a husband would meet in our lives—there is nothing wrong with us positioning ourselves. Positioning ourselves is then done out of confidence and not desperation, shame, fear, or manipulation.

The old way of teaching in the church implies a woman should ignore a gentleman almost to pretend he doesn’t exist. In this scenario, most of the burden to find a healthy relationship falls on the man—while the woman is absolved of all responsibility in forming a relationship. This would provide the appearance of being spiritually mature and a suitable partner because a man is supposed to, “find” us.

The word find in this scripture however means to simply discover, happen upon, to meet. This implies that the woman must come into contact with a gentleman who would be a suitor for her, and the man has to likewise come into contact with her.

There are no specific rules in scripture as to how this encounter must occur. There is common wisdom in the book of Proverbs in scripture that says, “He that has friends must first show himself friendly (Proverbs 18:24.”)

How can a woman position herself to be found? She needs to develop a disposition of friendliness. I love vocabulary’s definition of friendliness below:

“Friendliness is a quality of openness and warmth that makes you feel welcome and at ease.

– Vocabulary.com

This friendliness disposition is developed in us accepting ourselves and being open to others accepting us. It’s shown in how we carry ourselves, facial expressions, our openness to communicate and more. This open aroma of friendliness and acceptance is inviting to a man at peace with himself. If we are placing ourselves in places where men are; eventually, they will begin to notice us and pursue us.

We do not want to pursue a man as traditionally a man likes to pursue a woman and the woman likes to be pursued. We want to be sure a man wants us; so, we cannot do the role traditionally reserved for them. This doesn’t mean we cannot show interest in a man such as dropping gentle cues by smiling, making eye contact, and providing genuine compliments.

Most of the work we do will be work on ourselves as it relates to developing socially, emotionally, physically, spiritually, and mentally. All while enjoying life and going places where both women and men show up.

As we are approached while maintaining a disposition of friendliness, we should react kindly to each gentleman even if we aren’t physically attracted to him. We don’t have to date him or provide our number if there is no attraction, but we can be cordial, warm, and gracefully decline.

While out at an event such as a mixer or networking event there is nothing wrong with simply striking up a conversation related to whatever the event is. This is a nice, unassuming way to show interest in a man. If we are smiling and being our normal friendly selves, this can open the door for him to pursue. If he doesn’t pursue after giving the normal cues of eye contact, warm conversation, and smiles; he isn’t interested. Simply let it go. Remember you are enough and the man who sees your value as a wife for himself will pursue.

We want to be in the business of being open to a man, but not pursuing a man. If we come across someone that we have a crush on in our day to day lives, we can see he has good character, and we are genuinely interested in him; there is nothing wrong with asking if he is seeing someone or sharing that we’d like to get to know him further if he’s single. This often brings clarity to the relationship and keeps us out of imagining we’re in a relationship with someone who doesn’t see us in that way. You will find out the truth in this instance and it will set you free from the distraction that is often involved with liking someone and not getting clarity on how they feel. If he is interested in you let him take the lead.

Allow him to do what a man is supposed to do. Your role as a woman is to evaluate his character and not to go all-in prematurely. You are hoping to get to know him. Your mind should not be made up. Temper yourself. If he doesn’t pursue or he shares he is seeing someone; let it go. Never pursue a man. Remember you are worth it and there is someone out there for you.

Women who are in bondage may feel as though they are breaking a religious law for asking if he is seeing someone based on how Proverbs 18:22 has been taught in the church. However, this is not the case. The scripture never shared that a woman doesn’t have a voice, choice, or influence. Being clear and communicating with a man doesn’t mean you are easy or out of order. It means you are growing in the area of communication with others.

In summary, Proverbs 18:22 is more of a promise to the man and a compliment to the woman’s value. Let’s challenge each other as believers not condemning one another and adding things to scripture that were never communicated. This only creates fear, stagnation, and bondage. Everyone’s story of how they come together will be different. Don’t put a limit on how God will bring you into the company of a man who will love and pursue you. Stay open, stay friendly, keep loving yourself, and honoring God and his wisdom will lead you.

What are your thoughts on what Proverbs 18:22 means? Please, share in the comments below?

Where can devout Christian single women find Single Christian men of God to date? This is the question on every dating and relationship platform. The idea of readily available Christian women who cannot find readily available Christian men. The answer is always the same when we hear from the brothers. They share that men of God are everywhere. Just like women of God go out and kick it with their girls, or have dope hobbies they participate in; Men do the same things.

I believe as Christians we can sometimes get caught up in limiting mindsets that keep us stuck in unbelief. Case and point, the lack of belief that there are quality single Christian men available. Or, the mindset that we have to meet a quality man at a Christian event, or else it isn’t God. Finally, the limiting mindset that dating or putting ourselves out there to meet people is somehow sinful.

The truth is we may not meet a single Christian man at a church, a Christian conference, a Christian concert, or a Christian poetry set. Many of the Christian labeled events have primarily women there. A good number of the balanced single Christian men there are already married, and some of the single Christian men just aren’t checking for us at those events for whatever reason.

Just because the man who is for us isn’t at the places we expect doesn’t mean he isn’t out there. He’s out there. I have strong faith and believe that the processing that I’ve had to endure in my personal development to become a confident woman of God who is ready for marriage was not in vain. I’m encouraged when I meet men on their journey who are likewise developing and sincerely seeking the Lord as well.

Focus on Getting to Know People Instead of the Pressure of Dating:

Most recently, I met a gentleman on his journey at a cocktail bar. There was an event planned for African American people to network with one another. I just so happened to sit next to him on the barstool and start talking. Turns out, he is a passionate man of God who loves mentoring younger men and boys through the sport of basketball.

He talked about how he is at a place in his life where he is seeking God for what is next for him. He was very respectful and listened well. He even covered my tab before he left. It was like an impromptu date all from me getting out of the house and attending an event around a subject of interest.

It’s small connections like that that can very easily lead to life-long connections. So, get rid of the mindset that you have to meet a man in a Christian space. Christians are everywhere. Cast your net of connection wide by putting yourself out there and communicating with strangers of the opposite sex.

It doesn’t have to lead to dating or a relationship. It could just be to connect with another human being. In the meantime, you are growing in your social skills and communication skills while being encouraged by the like-minded brothers out there.

Don’t Let Fear Hold You Back:

I understand that there is a fear that if we meet someone outside of a Christian space that they may not be a Christian or someone we’d be equally yoked with. However, a conversation is just a conversation. Take the pressure off of yourself and just have conversations with people that you meet. Here is what the Bible says about fear:

Cast your bread upon the waters,

For you will find it after many days.

Give a serving to seven, and also to eight,

For you do not know what evil will be on the earth.

If the clouds are full of rain,

They empty themselves upon the earth;

And if a tree falls to the south or the north,

In the place where the tree falls, there it shall lie.

He who observes the wind will not sow,

And he who regards the clouds will not reap. Ecclesiastes 11:1-4

The above scripture is a parable of an opportunity for someone to take a risk by sowing in different areas, but due to fear and observing what could go wrong the person may choose not to sow. See verse. 4 where it states, “He that observes the wind will not sow and he that regards the clouds will not reap.” What does this mean?

If we allow ourselves only to meditate on what could go wrong and thus, we limit ourselves to not stepping out in faith and or limiting our faith to only one area; we may not get what we are believing God for after all. God wants us to move in faith. He wants us to trust and believe what he has for us is out there even though we aren’t sure how it will come to pass.

How about instead of moving in fear of placing ourselves out there; we decide to trust God regarding people we meet wherever we meet them at? After all, just because we meet someone in a Christian space doesn’t mean they’re Christian. It just makes us feel more comfortable because Christian spaces are normally where we find Christians.

What if God’s promise of your godly spouse is outside of your comfort zone? Here’s my suggestion: Make a list of all of the things you love to do. If you love live music, add that and so on. Next, make a list of places to go that have your favorite type of live music. If you like playing games, perhaps you can look for hip spots with game nights. If you love business, look for hip spots with business networking events. If Karaoke or singing is your jam, look for places to do that.

These are spaces where both guys and girls will normally be. Go out by yourself or maybe with one girlfriend and mingle and meet people. Like with my experience, you’ll be encouraged to meet men of God. Continue to rely on the Holy Spirit seeking him regarding everything. Continue meditating on God’s word to stay strong in the Lord. You’ll have more opportunities for temptation as you talk with more people of the opposite sex. You want to continue making wise choices led by God and this is why a healthy and whole well-grounded person should be dating not someone looking for the dating pool to heal them.

Don’t limit yourself to in-person events. You can use dating apps, visit new restaurants, parks, events. The idea is to diversify. The more you get out there the more people you’ll meet and the more chances you’ll have at meeting someone special who thinks you are special too. Remember God has given you the ability to navigate even though you may feel fear (2 Timothy 1:7.) Trust him.

Disclaimer: Some may be uncomfortable going to a bar. I suggest you follow your convictions and the Holy Spirit. You do not have to drink alcohol at a bar and you do not have to get drunk if you do drink alcohol. If drinking has been a source of instability for you in the past; feel free to avoid the bar.

Also, be careful of the type of bar you attend as some bars may not be safe. You’ll want to be aware of the neighborhood. Look at reviews online and try to visit bars with specific purposes going on such as Karaoke, Comedy, Live Music, etc. I like the classier bars when visiting a bar as they tend to be safer. Finally, get referrals from friends of nice places to visit with people around your age. Normally, those within your network can share if a place is typically safe or not.

What does projecting onto someone mean?

It is interesting how being in bondage makes others feel comfortable while walking in freedom can trigger others making them feel the opposite. People see the result of your process to freedom, but they do not see your struggle as you humbly worked your way through your own personal process. Have you ever experienced someone making you the target of their personal pain and issues instead of dealing with the cause of their pain and issues? I have. This is how someone begins projecting onto someone—when someone projects their issues of how they feel onto you as if you are responsible for it when you are not. This is a trap to distract and discourage you from your progress and to pull you back down into a place of bondage.

Let’s look at King David in the Bible who dealt with this regarding King Saul. David went through his process as a shepherd of sheep. He worked diligently in an isolated place. He was despised and discarded to be nothing more than the shepherd of the sheep. His brothers made fun of him. He was not taken seriously by others due to his youth and he was not preferred when Samuel came to his home looking for a king. God had to speak to Samuel to convince him not to judge David by how he appeared, but by his heart.

You see David had been doing the inner work of the heart in secret with the Lord. This is how he became so strong and confident in the Lord. Saul saw him while he was a bold victor over Goliath. He did not see him while he was in the obscure place of being processed and developed. Saul’s insecurity was triggered when the women compared him to a boy and he felt he’d come out lacking. This is where David became the object of Saul’s focus. Instead of Saul dealing with his own insecurities doing his own personal work in private; he projected his insecurity onto David seeking to kill him. Harming another person on their journey will not help our healing journey. Taking personal responsibility for our healing journey will help our healing journey.

How Did David Respond to All of This?

David responded in humility. David humbled himself and continued to work for King Saul as a musician until he felt it too dangerous to stay. Then he began to run and hide. During this process, he never spoke ill of King Saul because he respected him as God’s anointed as well. He did not see him any lower than he saw himself. Instead, he loved and respected him like himself. This is another assumption of those who project is that they assume that you see them in a particular way that you do not. They are struggling with how they see themselves and need to take a step back and deal with building themselves up.

Our response should be:

Remain Humble

Like David, when someone projects their issues onto us we need to remain humble. Our understanding in realizing it isn’t about us aids in our ability to remain humble. We may be emphatic in sharing, “I can understand how you feel that way” before we remove ourselves. Humility also requires us not taking on personal insults or attacks aimed at us. This means not clapping back. Taking it to God in prayer to release it or talking it out with another friend or someone of understanding to release the negative energy the projector is slinging. God provided David a friend in Saul’s son—Jonathan. David was still able to find some peace and solace in dealing with this issue even though he did not cause it.

A man’s insight (understanding) gives him patience; it is to one’s glory to overlook an offense.

– Proverbs 19:11 (NIV)

Remove Ourselves from Their Attacks

Because we realize it isn’t about us, we have to quickly remove ourselves from the line of fire so we do not act out of our flesh and go off on the person. After all, we are only human and can only take so much. A psychologist suggests removing ourselves by saying this is not about me. Thus, immediately placing the responsibility where it belongs on the projector in hopes he/she will realize he/she is projecting onto someone and take ownership. Many times, when someone is projecting onto someone, he/she doesn’t realize that is what he/she is doing.

Pray for Them to Take Responsibility

The Bible calls us to pray for our enemies and those who despitefully use us. The projector may not be an enemy, but they see you as an enemy in their mind. The problem isn’t you; however, but their lack of taking personal responsibility to deal with themselves and their own healing. Each of us has to own our own stuff. We have to own our experiences and choices that led to our experiences even when we did not do anything wrong to cause the experience. It is still our responsibility to heal. This means going to therapy, praying, journaling, fasting, intentionally placing ourselves within healthy and godly community.

These are the things that all who are healed had to do and the things that those who project need to do. After you pray for them don’t worry about them. It isn’t your responsibility. You keep learning and growing and living your life to your fullest potential. David’s potential was to become king. He at the right time walked into it as the projection, rejection, and all that he’d faced prepared him for God’s promise. Don’t allow someone else to get you into bitterness, fights, or quarrels due to their lack of responsibility. Keep your focus on God’s promises and honor God by continuing in humility.

Singleness presents 3 tests that we must overcome to walk in wholeness as single believers. Facing these challenges like Jesus did in Luke 4 will give us the tools needed to see our current situation properly and walk in confidence that God is faithful to keep his promises to us as singles.

Singleness provides the test of Proving Ourselves

Singleness provides the temptation to prove our worthiness for love. We’re tempted to prove that there’s nothing wrong with us. We aren’t single because we’re not easy to get along with or unbeautiful, but for other things like purpose, the gift of singleness, and God’s providence.

Some singles take this to an extreme changing themselves to what they feel will make them more acceptable or suitable for love. However, there is a fine line between being humble enough to make any necessary growth adjustments, as we all need to grow, and not being firm in our identity while in the state of singleness.

Someone who isn’t secure in their identity will always give in to the temptation to prove themselves. Proving ourselves to others is really a sign that we are still trying to convince ourselves of who we are. God doesn’t want us to question who we are, our worth, value, and worthiness to be loved.

God wants us to simply rest in him. He wants us to rest in the fact that we belong to him. He wants us to rest in the fact that we were made enough. He wants us to rest in the fact that we aren’t missing anything because we’re single. We’re not somehow part of the “not good enough to marry crew.”

Some things are intentional by God to get his glory in our lives. God has some that he has called to remain single for himself until he decides to provide someone for us. In the meantime, we grow. We grow into beautifully mature believers who provide a fragrance of glory toward the Lord as we show God’s power to keep us, develop us, and grow us for his purpose.

A lack of rest in this breeds instability and double-mindedness which we will discuss further in our next section. Jesus was also tempted to prove himself, but proving ourselves seems silly when we know who we are. We simply rest and abide in the identity God has called us to walk in. Some will accept it and others will not. Don’t let those who will not be your problem. Resolve how you see yourself for yourself. Like Jesus, you’ll continue walking out God’s purpose for your life.

The devil said to him, “If you are the Son of God, tell this stone to become bread.” Jesus answered, “It is written: ‘Man shall not live on bread alone, but every word from God.’

Luke 4:3-4

Jesus, in the above scripture, was tempted to prove himself to his adversary—Satan, but he resisted the temptation by resisting the devil and continuing to submit to his Father—God. This is how we ought to handle those ungodly thoughts and accusations that come at us for being single. We are to resist them and continue submitting to God and his Word over us.

Finally, the temptation to prove ourselves places the full earnest on us to bring to pass what God has promised—if God has promised us a spouse. Thus, rejecting the help that comes from the plan of God. This is dangerous especially with something so serious as marriage. We want God’s help and leading when it comes to uniting with a spouse. We should do what is within our power to do and simply trust God with the rest. Doing what is within our power includes healing, learning, growing, and being open to meeting new people while practicing discernment.

Avoiding Making an Idol of Marriage & Compromising for a Relationship

There is so much pressure to get married. We hear about marriage often in church. Some men are discouraged from being pastors if they aren’t married. Some singles believe they cannot be disciplined sexually without a marriage partner. Marriage is looked at by some as the cure-all to all of our problems—loneliness, money problems, childhood issues, lack of sexual control, and more. The truth is marriage exposes those problems more and requires a mature partner willing to commit to sticking it out until the end despite their partner. However, today this is less common as divorce has become more common.

It’s important to have a realistic idea of marriage knowing that it will not solve all of our problems. In fact, there may be more problems that one has to deal with in a marriage because there will be another imperfect person that one will have to become one with. If that person has not dealt with their issues before marriage; you will become the recipient and co-laborer with him/her and his/her issues.

When we have a more realistic idea of marriage, we are more patient in our desire for marriage. We invest into ourselves more during the single season to bring the least baggage to the table during marriage and hopefully the partner we choose is doing the same.

When we make an idol out of marriage; however, we avoid the process of growth and maturity during singleness. We often make decisions on our own compromising our standards due to impatience and disbelief that God can provide a marriage partner suitable for us.

Jesus Christ was to be the recipient of all of the kingdoms of the world. He was to be highly exalted that at the name of Jesus every knee should bow and every tongue confesses that Jesus is Lord. Satan sought to expedite this process by taking Jesus to the highest pinnacle in the wilderness and showing him all of the kingdoms of the world. He agreed to provide these to Jesus, “now.” If only Jesus would bow down and worship him.

The devil led him up to a high place and showed him in an instant all the kingdoms of the world. And he said to him, “I will give you all their authority and splendor: it has been given to me, and I can give it to anyone I want. If you worship me, it will all be yours.”

Jesus answered, “It is written: ‘Worship the Lord your God and serve him only.’

Luke 4:5-8

Jesus passed the second test to worship Satan to get what had already been promised to him. We see later that Jesus was highly exalted and his name continues to be exalted today, but Jesus had to walk out his process of fulfilling each prophesy and dying on the cross for our sins. The middle part before his exaltation was important. Instead of Jesus focusing on the end goal; he focused on humility. Thus, accomplishing the end goal at the right time and with the most powerful impact for not only himself but all men.

What will be your response when Satan tempts you to make an idol out of something God has already promised you? Will you endure your time in the wilderness? The wilderness is a dry lonely place where dependence on God and trust in God’s word is required to survive it. Development before promotion happens in the wilderness. The wilderness is where everything is tested that you ever believed and you have to stand on what you believe often without tangible proof. You stand on God’s word in this place and recall God’s character as true and faithful despite your circumstance.

Will you allow the process of the wilderness to make you humble like Christ? Or will you make an idea out of what you desire compromising God’s word to attain it? Don’t take the bait to compromise who you are or what God has commanded you?

Many women compromise their bodies during this test to get or keep a man. It’s okay to endure the embarrassment and humility of having a man leave you because you are not giving it up. It’s okay to have a man speak ill of you because you are not giving it up. It’s okay to be ghosted by a man or men by women because you are holding true to God’s word. This is all a part of the process. Allow it to make you humble and keep trusting in God. The humility is preparing you for the process that like Jesus will not only impact you but others.

Don’t Take the Season of Singleness for Granted

Please, don’t let this time of singleness pass you by only wasting it? Those who are single are in a privileged position. We have the awesome gift of single focus or lack of distraction. This means we get to seek the Lord without distraction and God is a rewarder of those who diligently seek him. Thus, we get to discover jewels from diligently seeking the Lord that if we were distracted, we otherwise would not be privy to.

We also have single focus to direct our energy into purposes and plans by God that build up not only ourselves but others. God may show us to start a business, volunteer somewhere, or Lord knows what. The possibilities are endless. What are you doing with your single time? Don’t take it for granted. Don’t waste it in toxic unfulfilling relationships. Take the time to appreciate God’s love and the love of others God has placed around you. Build relationships with people that are not just romantic. Seek out God-honoring community.

Satan tried to get Jesus to take his position for granted as the Son of God in Luke 4. He asked Jesus to commit suicide by asking him to throw himself down from a high point of the temple. Why? Why would he do that? Really think about it. Why would we take this season for granted? It makes no sense.

The devil led him to Jerusalem and had him stand on the highest point of the temple. “If you are the Son of God,” he said, “throw yourself down from here. For it is written:

‘He will command his angels concerning you to guard you carefully; they will lift you up in their hands, so that you will not strike your foot against a stone.’

Jesus answered, “It is said: Do not put the Lord your God to the test.”

Luke 4:9-12

Instead of Jesus giving in and taking for granted he was the Son of God; he simply shared that we are not to put God to the test. This is true. We are not to test God’s goodness by placing ourselves in destructive situations to see if God will deliver us or not. No need to become entangled as a single in soul-ties, addictions and the like that robs us of our full potential during this time. Let’s be careful to walk out every process of deliverance and healing to place ourselves in the most optimal position to give our best to God in this season—and receive the fruit of this season later at the right time.

After Jesus’ test in the wilderness, he was promoted and more men began to know who he was. Remember these tests are all a part of the process. In the end, it will lead to promotion if we endure the test well holding fast to what God’s word has said.