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Single & Over 40 & Unbothered!

Single & Over 40 & Unbothered!

I’m single, over 40, and unbothered. Why is that? Because I know who I am, I’ve found purpose in my experience, processed my pain, and remain hopeful and open to love. We live within several cultures that attempt to label women and shame women for where they are in life. However, as adult women, we have the responsibility to see ourselves properly. Out of the proper view of ourselves will come the daily strength to face each day.

I know who I am and my single status doesn’t devalue my worth by any means. 

I am still a daughter of God, beautiful, healthy, and worthy of love. We have a responsibility to carry ourselves as worthy of love and all that this Christ-centered life has to bring us. I read a book, “The Five Love Languages, Single’s Version” that shared a beautiful principle that what we feel we lack we should sow into others and it will come back to us—due to the Biblical principle that says we reap what we sow. Because I am well aware of my need for love and genuine affection, I sow that into others.

After all, the scripture tells us to love others as we first love ourselves. I’ve faithfully used my single time to prepare myself and develop into a well-rounded loving woman. These things that I’ve sown will come back to me. They come back to me even now in forms of love that aren’t yet romantic. I have interests who would be suitable partners if there was mutual attraction and readiness on both parts. All of these things are reminders that I am on the right path. So, I keep going. When you know who you are; despite what the labels say—you continue with confidence and strength. Because our confidence isn’t rooted in temporary things, but it is rooted in Christ and all of the Biblical principles of wisdom and grace we’ve learned over the years.

So, no. My singleness is not something to be ashamed of at this age. It is something that a qualified man has to attain. When you know who you are; you only entertain the qualified.

I’ve found my purpose within my singleness.

If I had gotten married younger, I would not have had such an impact as I’ve had as a single woman. How ironic that I became an adult during a time when 50% of Americans would be single. Where many would lose hope that a healthy relationship is even possible. Where women would begin to act like men in taking on unnatural sexual prowess just to not be alone. During dark times, the righteous shine as lights. This is us. Women like me who have been single for a long time, but have maintained our character all of these years.

Not only have I maintained my character, but it has grown stronger. God uses my victories in singleness to encourage other singles that they can do it too. They can find joy and purpose in this life as a single woman or man or a married woman or man. Neither is better than the other. It’s just where we are at the time. I’ve been able to share with others through my books, blogs, small groups, and speaking engagements how I’ve been able to navigate singleness successfully. Sometimes people assume that successful singleness means you avoid being single for a long time. However, successful singleness can be maintaining your wholeness, joy, peace, and hope during singleness for a long time.

I’ve processed my pain.

Yes, I have not always felt as confident. I’ve been very vulnerable at times. There is something about getting older and losing those close to you through death. The loss of family and friends that make you feel safe as a single woman—takes away from the sense of security enjoyed when they were alive. I’ve felt a little more alone in the world.

However, this was also an opportunity to band me together more closely with those who are left. It is also an opportunity to grow a little closer in my trust in the Lord. I’ve been astounded at God’s ability to heal me of the unique pain of getting older and losing loved ones as a never-married single woman. I’d hoped to have experienced that type of pain with a closer connection of support. However, life doesn’t always work out the way we hope. Yet, in Christ, we persevere.

We also learn to see painful experiences as opportunities for God to grow and expand us. How are you viewing your singleness at an older age of 40 or above? Do you have a support system around you to help in maintaining a positive outlook. Join my Facebook group, “Singles Living for Christ.” Or, sign up for my email list to learn more information about my upcoming coaching program for Single Christian Women to Walk in Wholeness Who Desire Marriage.

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Is Lack of Wisdom or Bad Advice Keeping You Single?

Keeping you single

Is Lack of Wisdom or Bad Advice Keeping You Single?

I’m somewhat privy to many conversations that take place in the world of singles as a single woman. I’ve also had my own experiences in living this life. A constant that I’ve come into contact with is a fear of dating due to a lack of knowledge. This keeps us stuck. Also, I’ve run into older women, some married, and some single, who give single women bad advice—keeping them single.

Bad Advice I’ve Noticed Keeping Christian Women Single

I’ve had conversations with some older married women. In their love and care for me, they’ve tried to warn me about men by sharing as many negative experiences from their peers as possible. Some of these women would go on to say things like, “When I was single, I did not even want to be married so I do not understand.”

This statement along with the negative stories of female peers who are trying to date and get to know men hopefully for marriage is discouraging, to say the least. The latter part of the statement saying when she was single, she did not want to be married is also problematic as it implies that having a desire for marriage is somehow shameful or ungodly. Or it implies that having a desire for marriage will lead to a poor outcome like her friends who are struggling. It isn’t wrong to desire a healthy God-honoring marriage. It’s wrong to become desperate for marriage making an idol out of it—resulting in poor decisions and lack of discernment.

I’d spoken with a young lady who was 24. She’d shared that she did not know what was wrong with her for not having a child yet. I asked her if she was married. She said no. I asked why she would be concerned about having a child without being married. Her mom had shared with her that marriages normally don’t stay together. She went on to share that her grandma had shared this with her mother. A seed was planted that marriage doesn’t work so if a woman desires children she should plan to be a single mother.

Finally, a lack of wisdom is a common topic. Many of us primarily got the don’t have sex before marriage from the church and let a man find us. That was it. There’s a lot of information missing between that and the altar. Not because the church was holding out on us, but because many of those in the church did not know much about marriage preparation. Marriage was a natural next step for the previous generation. It was super easy to marry whether you were well-developed as a person or not. Things are different now as Millennials and beyond.

Because many women desire to marry a man without compromising the security we find in singleness through obeying God; we don’t know how to approach dating in a way that will still honor God. Rather than taking a chance risking making a mistake or possibly being successful; we stay stuck waiting for a relationship to come together out of the blue. Many of us lack points of reference for women who have desired to honor God in their relationships and made it to marriage successfully doing so.

The bad advice confirms the fear single women already have or produces fear in those who weren’t fearful:

All of the bad advice plus the lack of wisdom keep single Christian women in a place of stagnation. Due to this fear, many women will not take the necessary steps in putting themselves out there by being intentional in growing in areas that will make them good partners outside of just the spiritual. I will say the spiritual is the foundation and of utmost importance and nothing else can be fully successful in our lives without having a firm spiritual foundation on Christ and his Word.

However, the Holy Spirit will lead us and guide us into all truth. Sometimes, the Holy Spirit will send someone across our path to awaken us from our slumber of the familiar. He will cause us to take responsibility in areas where we need to grow. He will also correct all wrong perspectives with truth so we can move forward in freedom building healthy relationships with others.

The more we walk in this freedom—the more others will be attracted to our light and our network of people will grow. This increases our chances of meeting someone awesome. We can get referrals or exposure to others on social media by growing our network with other people period. This means allowing ourselves to develop outside of our fears.

It also means being intentional about not only potential romantic relationships, but healthy relationships in general with friends, family, co-workers, siblings, parents, and yes potential men who show interest.

Upon getting over our fears through faith, wisdom, and confronting our fears we grow. It’s this social growth that comes from the inner development of simply being that is often stifled and stifles our ability to meet someone that can lead to something serious and beautiful. Pride is something that many single women depend on to protect them from dealing with the fear they feel.

The answer that will break the wrong thinking patterns that can keep us stuck in singleness:

First, we will need to develop our relationship with God for ourselves. This will help us to avoid being manipulated into the unhealthy thinking patterns of others. The Spirit of Christ will lead us and guide us into all truth. It is the truth that will make us experience freedom in our lives.

Second, we have to take responsibility for seeking out the wisdom that is in alignment with God’s word. We will have to be humble enough to realize we don’t have it altogether. We will need to get support from others walking in balance. Balance means the lack of imbalance. Only focusing on the negative experiences of others is an imbalance. It sets women up for an expectation of dread and negativity.

Thus, women began to attract that in their lives and aren’t open to meeting appropriate men out of fear that all men are the same.

The Bible doesn’t warn women to avoid men or to be afraid of men. It does warn us to practice discernment. This is a skill of having the appropriate judgment to discern who would be wise to allow close to you or not.

If you do not have examples of the types of men who should get close to you in your life; you will not know who you should allow close to you or not. Pray to the Lord, who is your helper to bring godly men into your life, who can be an example of what you’ll need to look for. These many can help with clarity in discernment when you aren’t sure about continuing with a particular gentleman you are dating.

Often these men may already be married or you aren’t attracted to them—but you have a platonic friendship with these men. They act as a covering to help you to see things from both a male and female perspective. Focus on building a healthy community first before launching out into dating so you will have the help you need in addition to the Holy Spirit and Word of God. This greatly reduces the risk of you making a very costly mistake.

With your inner development and new openness—you’ll be in a position to date in a healthy manner and sooner whether than later get into a healthy marriage. We don’t just want to be married, but we want healthy marriages that honor Christ and they are possible when both men and women are willing to put off the barriers keeping them stuck and do the work necessary to move forward.

I will be offering a coaching program this May relating to single Christian women who desire marriage to walk in confidence and wholeness while being open to meeting people who can lead to a healthy relationship and marriage in a natural progression. Join my newsletter for more info on when the group coaching will be available: Click here. The Top 3 Dating Fears Course is available free with the email list sign-up. Information for the class will be in the email upon sign-up or visit link using code free at checkout. No credit card is needed for the free course when using code: “FREE.”

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If God is Good, Why Are Bad Things Happening?

God is good

If God is good why does bad stuff happen is a logical question. Those who think logically may assume that those who say God is good are in a special category. Or, that they’ve only experienced good things in their life. The truth is God’s character of goodness, grace, favor, faithfulness, and love isn’t often seen as intimately during the good times.

It’s seen more intimately through the dark and uncomfortable times in our lives. Meaning, yes, we can see God is good when good things are happening. We often take it for granted. However, when bad things are happening, God is closer and more unique in showing his goodness.

We have to be aware and sensitive to see him working beyond our heart-wrenching experiences. People that say God is good and know it for themselves; are people who have walked with God through some things. They’ve learned that God has high standards yet is merciful enough to give us the grace to meet those standards as we grow in him.

This is displayed in the first story of the Bible in the garden of Eden. God gave Adam and Eve a command they did not live up to. God’s response was to make provision for Adam, Eve, and all mankind. Due to sin in the garden, death was introduced to humanity. However, God created a path for us to have everlasting life by sending his son.

God is good

God’s Goodness Always Makes Provision for Us

God’s provision was promised shortly after the mishap in the garden when God promised that a seed of the woman would bruise Satan’s head (Genesis 3:15.) This scripture was speaking prophetically of Jesus Christ who came through a woman named Mary.

This same characteristic of God showing provision for mankind is throughout the scriptures. Man’s free will and lack of maturity in various areas get him in trouble over and over again and like a patient father; we see the Lord consistently making provision in his great love toward us:

  • Cain, killed his brother Able and God showed him grace by placing a mark on him so that no one would kill him. This is one of the first examples of God showing grace because, under the old covenant, an eye for an eye and tooth for a tooth was the law. Cain should have died for killing his brother but God’s provision of mercy allowed him to live.
  •  Abraham and Sarah attempted to fulfill God’s promise on their own by having Abraham sleep with Hagar producing Ishmael. God made provision for Ishmael making a great nation of him as well—and still yet fulfilled his promise through Isaac.
  • Hagar was a slave servant in Abraham and Sarah’s house. When she attempted to leave the abuse from her masters; God made provision for her by sending an angel to meet her and instruct her in the wilderness.
  • When Joseph was abused by his brothers and sold into slavery; God made provision for Joseph. We know the story. He promoted Joseph to be a ruler and used what was bad in his household for good.
  • When Esther’s parents died and she became an orphan; God made provision for her sending her elder cousin Mordecai to raise her and train her to be a future queen.
  • When David sinned with Bathsheba and murdered Uriah; God made provision for David to be confronted and corrected. After David humbled himself—God gave him a son, Solomon, to sit on his throne. Later, Jesus Christ would symbolically be called the seed of David carrying on a heavenly kingship for those who trust in him.
God’s Character of Goodness & Great Love Can be Seen in Bad Circumstances

What am I saying? I’m saying just as some of the above stories show negative experiences endured by those who trusted in the Lord. Some, even by their own doing, God’s character of goodness and great love was seen in the middle of it. God worked in each negative experience for those who trusted in him.

Just as God worked for the above who trusted in him. God is at work for those of us who trust in him now. Even through bad circumstances, we can say God is good. Some may have experienced loved ones dying young, overdoses, alcohol poisoning, suicide, murder, sickness, and countless other difficult things.

It doesn’t matter what the hard circumstance is—God’s character of great love toward us causes him to make provision for us and our loved ones in the middle of hardship. God’s character is good. It doesn’t change. It’s always his posture toward us. 

But God demonstrates his love for us in this: While we were still sinners, Christ died for us. – Romans 5:8

 A Hardened Heart is a Natural Result of not Seeing God Properly

A hardened heart toward life and God will make it difficult to trust him. The Bible warns that the cares of this life can cause our hearts to become hardened and choke the seeds of the Word of God that have been planted inside of us. 

This is why it’s so important to have the right perspective of God because it guards against a hardened heart toward him. I believe the Lord is patient with us through our hardness of heart. I believe his consistent character of goodness will draw us into a soft heart again. It’s the goodness of the Lord that ultimately leads to repentance which is a change of mind that leads to a change of direction. 

Or despisest thou the riches of His goodness and forbearance and longsuffering, not knowing that the goodness of God leadeth thee to repentance? – Romans 2:4 

This is also the goodness of the Lord . The Bible says where sin did abound grace much more abounds. This is because of God’s consistent provision of goodness and steadfast love toward us.

Bad things happen because sin entered the world through Adam and Eve.  However, God is good because he’s delivered us from the pain of the suffering in this fallen world by making provision that heals and delivers us from the pain by trusting in Jesus Christ.

This is how God showed his love among us: He sent his one and only Son into the world so that we might live through him. This is love: not that we loved God, but that he loved us and sent his Son as an atoning sacrifice for our sins. – 1 John 4:9-10

The Bible describes a deep depth of God’s love. It goes beyond the surface of how things appear. Pray that God would open your eyes and allow you to see his goodness consistently. He can begin to restore a heart of flesh inside of those who’ve allowed their hearts to become hardened through life.

When we say God is good; We say it because we live it every day.

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Lessons to Note from Own’s “All The Single Ladies.”

Single Ladies
“All The Single Ladies” Have to Take Personal Responsibility

All The Single Ladies is a new Own Network television show. It showcases women of color sharing their dating and relationship stories in documentary-style interviews. I got a chance to catch the first episode and half of the second episode this past Sunday.

Several lessons stuck out to me as the women told their stories. The first one was taking personal responsibility for one’s actions. It’s easy to look at the stories as one-sided when you see what the women went through but even based on the women’s accounts the men weren’t the only ones responsible for the experiences leading to the breakups.

I believe the show tried to be responsible in making clear that the point of the show was not to demonize the man and only share one side. The initial interviews in the first episode start out sharing about the women’s family upbringing. They share how their parents were and how it shaped their views on relationships moving forward in life.

Our Needs Can Lead Us to Ignore Red Flags:

One of the girls shared how her father was not the affectionate type and her mother wasn’t nurturing. Sometimes, what we miss in our homes we seek to get within our relationships without doing the work to make sure the foundation is solid enough to hold that desire that we are seeking. A healthy foundation includes things like stability in all the following areas: mental, physical, financial, emotional, and spiritual. Also, shared values, a complimentary vision, self-discipline, healthy boundaries, mutual respect, and humility.

There is absolutely nothing wrong with seeking a desire within the right context. When we take the responsibility to seek our desires within the right context—it generally lasts longer. Plunging in headfirst without the proper foundation can often lead to us ignoring the red flags.

Red flags don’t just show up in potential partners, but sometimes they show up within us—showing us that we aren’t ready to pursue what we think we want just yet. One common mistake several of the single ladies made was failing to take accountability for choosing men who did not practice self-control when it comes to sex outside of marriage.

Our Lack of Boundaries w/Sex Attracts Men Who Don’t Have Boundaries Themselves

This is because the ladies; themselves, weren’t practicing self-control in waiting for marriage to have sex. The woman who missed out on the nurturing affection coming up could have easily mistaken the closeness of sex for affection.

The rush of the thought of being close to someone could have caused her to miss huge red flags. We have to be careful how we get our voids filled. The dating field isn’t the best place to seek to get our voids filled. It’s best to come to the dating table as full as possible so we aren’t choosing scraps because we’re hungry, but we’re choosing fine dining because we’ve developed an acquired taste based on the healthy character we’ve developed through practice.

Many ignore the importance of temperance and self-control when it comes to sex outside of marriage thinking that marriage or a relationship will fix the lack of self-control. This is not so. Marriage will magnify the lack of self-control in that area. One of the women said it herself, “Marriage doesn’t flip on a switch that says I will now be faithful.” This was a lesson she learned. If a man is unfaithful before marriage; he will be unfaithful after marriage.

Develop the Fruit of the Spirit in Your Single Season & Seek it in Men You Date

I’m reading an awesome book called, “Watch the Red-flags: Discerning Relational Signs in Dating.” This book discusses something important to look for when dating or evaluating a potential partner. He says we should look for someone who already demonstrates the fruit of the Spirit in their lives. Of course, for someone who demonstrates the fruit of the Spirit to be interested in us; we must embody the fruits of the Spirit as well.

This should not be done as a ploy to get a man. The fruit of the Spirit as believers should become our character. If you see fruit opposite of that within yourself; stop dating and ask God to help you to develop the fruit of the Spirit within yourself.

Single Ladies, Don’t Pursue a Man and Respect When a Man Isn’t Interested in You

In another story, a woman shared how her mother was very strong, take charge, and was independent. On the other hand, her dad raised her in the same manner that many men raise boys. He encouraged her not to cry and to chuck up hurt just taking it without expressing her emotions. She carried some of these characteristics into her adulthood–even to the point of pursuing a man she worked with. The man told her he was not interested in her. She continued her pursuit anyway.

The man eventually gave in. The two got a place together going all in. He would never post about her online or share about her with others. He discouraged her from posting as well. One day she finally posted him and the gentleman’s mother called her sharing that she was ruining her son’s marriage. Yes, the gentleman was married. The young lady had been informed they were separated.

This is an important boundary that should not be crossed. Separated is still married. This means the married persons have a responsibility to one another. No one else should come between that. That was the 2nd red-flag this young lady made by allowing herself to be in a relationship with a married man.

The first was to pursue him. Women should not pursue men because men are the natural leaders. It’s their responsibility to pursue. It’s our responsibility as women to position ourselves to be pursued by doing what God calls us to do. When a man shares, he isn’t interested; women should always take him at face value and leave him alone. There is a reason for that. Some men can be worn down and will take advantage of a woman who pursues them for sex while he continues to pursue the woman he really wants.

Ladies, we deserve more. To get more, we have to require more for ourselves by taking personal responsibility to get more. I pray that many women learn from the mistakes of these brave ladies who so vulnerably share their stories.

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Catch me at the Valentine’s Day Event Below Hosting Girl Talk:

Valentine's Day Event

Please, come join me. Register here: Loving Me: Galentine’s Fitness Party Tickets, Mon, Feb 13, 2023 at 7:00 PM | Eventbrite This event is hosted by a friend of my Talayah.

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The Importance of Obedience for Singles Waiting on a Spouse

obedience

As believers in Christ, we should never take lightly obedience to God and his Word. It’s so important. We live within a culture that has invaded the church with ideas of unbelief and cynicism. These things make it difficult for one to remain obedient, especially in the dating world.

Because of the increased norm of unmarried millennials, prolonged waiting, and lack of support for many singles many have lost their faith in doing this single thing God’s way. They’ve adopted a lifestyle of disobedience.

Disobedience can be painful in the dating world as doing things outside of God’s way can easily result in painful cycles. Those cycles can produce even more hardships that one would have been able to avoid by doing things God’s way such as unnecessary heartbreak, single-parenthood, STDs, and more.

It’s better to remain obedient even when difficult. Obeying God continuously without yet seeing the desired result is difficult. This is true especially when others who aren’t being obedient seem to have what we desire—genuine love. Even though those who choose not to obey may seem to have genuine love—this isn’t always the case.

Many couples are facing hardships they aren’t sharing such as abuse by a partner, consistent infidelity, feeling as though the relationship is one-sided although married, and more. Believe me. It’s better to obey God and wait on what’s appropriate than to get into a marriage right away that is destined to fail.

I was encouraged by a couple of examples in scripture of obedience during a hard long wait. The result of the wait in both examples led to God’s promise and increased blessing. The long hard wait was the correction and preparation of the heart to handle the promise.

The first example is Abraham in Genesis 22. Abraham exampled peculiar obedience. Meaning, he was able to trust God in a unique way that others may not have been able to. God had promised Abraham a son. He gave him that son—Isaac. However, God asked Abraham in Genesis 22 to offer his son Isaac as a sacrifice to the Lord. Abraham went right along with God’s request standing in strong belief.

Remember, it takes strong belief or faith to continue to obey God through a long, hard, and difficult wait. When the child—Isaac asked, why don’t we have a lamb to sacrifice—Abraham responded by saying, “God will provide.” It was so. God warned him not to harm the child and provided a lamb to sacrifice. Of course, this signified Christ—the lamb of God that was to be slain for our sins.

It also was a test for Abraham to humble him and to show him what was in his heart. It showed Abraham that he was indeed ready to steward the child the Lord had promised him. He not only got the blessing, but he got the blessing with God’s backing. This is how we want to be blessed as single believers.

We want the relationship that our heavenly father is willing to bless. The second example of obedience was found in Deuteronomy 8. Deuteronomy is all about possessing the land or possessing God’s promises. For singles, this could be walking into the new normal of a healthy relationship that leads to marriage. There is a path to getting there. That path is obedience. Deuteronomy starts out stressing the importance of obedience and how it will result in said promised land. However, first, there must be a test.

During the test period, God places us in a position where we experience hunger that only he can fulfill. He exampled this in scripture by providing manna from heaven vs. 3. This is special revelation that comes from God and strengthens us to go on continuing in obedience. The revelation from God addresses whatever it is that we are needing at the time. Manna in vs. 3 means what is it? This means God can address whatever we need and we can trust him.

Finally, vs. 16 of Deuteronomy 8 reinforces God’s purpose in allowing the difficult process of the wait. It is to humble us and prove us to do good toward us in the end. When we are in a difficult part of our journey in waiting on the Lord for a spouse; we can be confident that God is only proving to us whether we are ready or not. Our obedience through the process is a heavy indicator that like Abraham we are ready. We are ready for our next stage in life—marriage and a healthy God-honoring relationship. Let this article encourage you to remain obedient as you will reap if you faint not.

I don’t know if you all have noticed, but many of God’s singles who have been waiting and believing God for a long time are becoming engaged and married. When the time is right—you will too. Stay in faith! Stay in obedience.

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5 Good Things About Being Down & Out

Down & Out

The thing about being down and out is it’s normal. It’s something that each human being has to experience. We may not share these details on social media, so when it happens people feel like it’s just them. But it’s not just you. Life happens to us all. It’s not the end. You may feel like you are just here. Just out there. The truth is you are not.

Scripture tells us to count our blessings when our faith is tried (James 1:2-3.) When we’re in it, counting our blessings can feel impossible to do, but it helps because this is where God begins to answer those questions of our hearts in real time. This is when God shows us he’s still with us and he is supporting us while sending others to do the same until we ride our storms out to our rainbows. Below are five blessings that we can hope to experience when we are down and out.

When Down & Out You find out who is really on your side

When we are experiencing depression and thoughts of giving up, this isn’t the time to try to impress others with an image of perfection. You are human and it’s okay. This is the time to be vulnerable letting those who are trustworthy in. This is a time to lean into those who may be stronger than you as you go through your process of trusting in God to take you through safely and to bring you out better. Those who have been through their own experiences and made it out will stand firm with you.

Don’t hide how you are feeling from those who genuinely care. Join the life group, meet the girls for dinner/lunch, or hit the gym even if you don’t feel like it. Get involved in community. You’ll find out that you aren’t the only one going through something difficult.

Seeing others stand through their hardships will help you to stand. Others may even check on you which reminds you that you aren’t alone in this. You have help. God has given you this help through the safety of a healthy community. Your community has its own way of helping you to forget about the struggle for a while providing strength when you are fighting through your challenges on your own.

Your community also reminds you that you are worthy to live the best life when it feels like you aren’t. You get to see who genuinely cares for you when down and out and that should make you feel good.

You learn to depend on God.

We do not want you to be uninformed, brothers and sisters, about the troubles we experienced in the province of Asia. We were under great pressure, far beyond our ability to endure, so that we despaired of life itself. Indeed, we felt we had received the sentence of death. But this happened that we might not rely on ourselves but on God, who raises the dead. 2 Corinthians 1:8-9

Apostle Paul, in scripture, describes going through a type of trouble that felt like death itself. It had gotten to the point where living became what felt like a disparaging and hopeless thing. However, Paul did not stop there in his description. He realized that the pain he’d been through was allowed to cause him to not depend on himself, or the good times of life, but on Christ.

Now and then, life will send us one troubling experience after another. It feels like heavy pressure. Sometimes, in these moments, we don’t know how to move forward. However, these times have a purpose to cause us to rely on God. We can very easily depend on other things during this journey of life without even realizing it.

It’s often when we are reduced to nothing but God that we realize he is genuinely all we need above all of the other things we cling to. Because God can be silent during these periods, we may find it difficult to believe God is with us, but he is. Faith is not a feeling, but proof of what we cannot, feel, touch, or see just yet. If we hold on long enough standing firm on God’s word, we will be able to see God working in the middle of our circumstances.

I remember, during my most recent season of being down and out, I could not go to sleep for hours. I was so anxious about my future and things remaining the same as they had been. I did not know if I could survive without a change. I thought of the scripture be anxious for nothing but in all things with prayer and supplication let your request be made known unto the Lord.

I said, “Lord you said not to be anxious, but to pray. Can you help me with this?” I immediately began to hear a song playing in my spirit. It was “Do It Again” by Elevation worship. I pulled up the song on YouTube and listened to it. I cried as it felt as if God was speaking directly to me through the lyrics of the song. I immediately went to sleep after the song went off. That is a permanent reminder in my history now that God is with me. He sees and he acts. He is dependable.

You realize how resilient you can be

After a while, you’ll begin to get stronger. The things you did not have the energy to do before you’ll have the energy to do as you continue to move forward in faith. You’ll begin to reestablish hope for the future as your strength increases not only realizing by faith that this isn’t the end but experiencing it with your senses. You will have taken the blow and overcome it. We are overcomers in Christ. This is what differentiates us from the world. In Christ, we always have hope because God causes us to triumph in all things (2 Corinthians 2:14.) To triumph in all things, we have to go through some things to triumph over and through.

An ability to correct as you heal.

This is an opportunity for you to press pause on over commitments and things that may be distracting you from hearing Christ. As you re-shift your focus on seeking the Lord, you will notice his healing from the pain and hurt of the season. God often does surgery on our hearts during hardship and it hurts. However, needful corrections are made within us and the healing process begins. We are then better prepared for everything God intends to use the harmful season to bring about in our lives.

God doesn’t waste anything. He doesn’t cause the harmful season, but he promises to use it for our good as he uses all things to work for the good of those who love him and are called according to his purpose. Many harmful seasons are just the natural patterns of life that will happen to us all. God uses these things to make us strong. If we have begun to see things incorrectly in any area, God will correct us.

You eventually find clarity and greater direction

Now, here’s the really good part. Your vision gets clearer. It’s not so hard to get through each day. It’s clear and easy to see the work that’s been done inside. The healing has taken place, our passions begin to return with the strength to pursue them. Hopefully, in this clarity, we experience God’s direction that leads us to a new place in him. We can go on to strengthen others as the scripture says we are to do when we overcome. No matter what part of this process you are in when experiencing the hardness of life—know that you will eventually get to this part where things are much better and you make it out of the fog of depression and the hardness of life.

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God Wants Us to Remain Sober When in Pain

Pain

God Wants Us to Remain Sober When in Pain

Be alert and of a sober mind. Your enemy the devil prowls around like a roaring lion looking for someone to devour. Resist him, standing firm in the faith, because you know that the family of believers throughout the world are undergoing the same kind of suffering. – 1 Peter 5:8-9

Have you ever been in such a painful place that you felt almost desperate to be out of that place? Sometimes pain, in and of itself, can make us think un-sobering thoughts. Thoughts, that we’d never think of if in a better place. That’s when we have to remember that our pain is momentary. It will not last forever. However, if we aren’t careful, we can make a decision that has lasting consequences.

This is why in the above scripture; God warns us to be sober and alert. Satan, our adversary is looking for an opportunity to devour us which means to destroy us. We should not aid Satan in his quest to destroy us. Instead, we should resist him.

Pain is necessary because it is a form of weakness. God already promises us that weakness is where we are guaranteed to see God’s power show up (2 Corinthians 12:9.) This means God’s got our back in pain. We will be tempted to return to vices during painful moments because of the immediate relief. We sometimes judge God not to be there with us because God often gives us the strength to endure rather than taking us out of our pain immediately. Enduring through the pain with God allows us to see his power at work sustaining us.

When tempted to return to vices for relief; we do not have to give in because God will help us through the pain. Instead of turning to a vice; turn to God and ask him to give you grace and strength to overcome regardless of the pain. God’s grace is his supernatural strength to overcome. It’s an empowerment of God’s Holy Spirit much like salvation. Salvation isn’t accomplished by our strength but by the power of God—so is overcoming sin.

So, he said to me, “This is the word of the LORD to Zerubbabel: ‘Not by might nor by power, but by my Spirit,’ says the LORD Almighty. – Zechariah 4:6

God allows us to be stretched by our pain. It isn’t a bad thing. Our endurance increases allowing us to persevere. It also allows us to see our humanity and need to rest refreshing ourselves with stillness. We become even more humble in the process. Our humility precedes God’s favor (1 Peter 5:5-6.) This process of painful discomfort often occurs before God’s shift so we cannot give up. We will need to go through submitting to God’s process to experience the shift God has for us.

When we disobey God in the process of seeking out sin to numb our pain; we can delay the destination God has for us. King David was resting from war when he fell into a vice of his with a woman named Bathsheba.

King David was a man of war. So much so, that the temple he wanted to build for God in his heart was delayed for his son to build instead. He’d had too much blood on his hands from constant war. When we read of David’s indiscretion with Bathsheba—this took place during a time of rest.

He’d decided to rest from warring, which was his right. You may have heard people say that David fell into sin because he should have been at war. I beg to defer. David fell into sin because he chose to sin.

Sometimes, God calls us to rest. Especially when we’ve been overwhelmed with life. However, our flesh will cause us to say to ourselves—we deserve sin or something as a reward because we’ve done so much work. Instead of waiting for God to bring us out and promote us, we attempt to promote ourselves with whatever opportunity appears to present itself.

David sinned by sleeping with a married woman―Bathsheba. He went on to murder her husband and have a child with her. This sin set David up for future consequences that he had to endure. If we aren’t willing to endure the discomfort of waiting on the Lord’s deliverance in pain or discomfort now—we will later have to endure waiting on the Lord’s deliverance from pain and discomfort later while enduring the consequences of our actions.

Judgment was pronounced on King David as he was corrected by the prophet Nathan. Later in life, David is in the thick of things again as he lived out the consequences of his actions (2 Samuel 12:11.) This is where he learned to submit to the process of trusting God during discomfort and pain.

We see his willingness to endure the discomfort of a man cursing him while he has been forced from his kingdom by his son Absalom to run and hide for safety. He learned that it is important to rely on the Lord and endure seeing what the end will be. He also learned not to be selfish considering his son above himself—even though his son was against him.

Then Abishai son of Zeruiah said to the king, “Why should this dead dog curse my lord the king? Let me go over and cut off his head.”

But the king said, “What does this have to do with you, you sons of Zeruiah? If he is cursing because the Lord said to him, ‘Curse David,’ who can ask, ‘Why do you do this?’”

David then said to Abishai and all his officials, “My son, my own flesh and blood, is trying to kill me. How much more, then, this Benjamite! Leave him alone; let him curse, for the Lord has told him to. It may be that the Lord will look upon my misery and restore to me his covenant blessing instead of his curse today.”

So, David and his men continued along the road while Shimei was going along the hillside opposite him, cursing as he went and throwing stones at him and showering him with dirt. – 2 Samuel 16:9-13

Of course, in the end, God delivered him, and his kingdom was restored in peace. God will do the same for us if we remain sober while in pain and discomfort. Remember we do not have to choose sin or vices as an immediate escape from the pain. We can simply depend on the Lord asking him for his grace and supernatural strength to overcome the urge to sin as an escape.

There is a time and season to every purpose under the son including a time of discomfort and pain to produce God’s greater purpose within us. We should, like David, learn to submit to it waiting for the Lord to deliver. During, the wait, God’s given us tools we can use. Tools like prayer, godly community, his Word, rest, and counselors or therapists.

Sometimes we just need to walk alongside someone else to receive strength. If it requires rest and lightening up our plate—we should do those things instead of yielding to sin. We should follow the wisdom of the wise and God’s word to lighten our weight. See Ephesians 6 for a reminder of what to do when under pressure or a spiritual, mental, or emotional attack. We are called to be strong in the Lord—depending on the Lord and the power of his might.

We are commanded to use the tools in Ephesians 6:10-18 to stand when we cannot do anything else. With God’s tools, we can stand. God will lighten our load and provide clarity to us on how to proceed forward within his timing. We simply have to hold his promises close to our hearts remaining sober. God has a way out of the pain we face.

Come unto me, all ye that labor and are heavy laden, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you and learn of me; for I am meek and lowly in heart: and ye shall find rest unto your souls. – Matthew 11:28-29

 

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Must a Church Girl Drop it Like a Thotty to Be Loved?

church girl

Queen B just released a song that centers around an important conversation that needs to be had. It’s called, “Church Girl.” This song appears to be the anthem of the church girls or Christian girls who no longer believe. Thus, they resign themselves to a lifestyle of those who do not believe and have become self-serving doing the best they can at an attempt for love by dropping it in the club and entertaining men, not for genuine love, but the exchange only of money for attention and potentially sex.

Interestingly, the song starts by sharing how the church girl has made so many strides moving mountains without a man. I interpret this to mean she’s been able to accomplish a lot within her life except for her desire for a God-honoring mutually respectful relationship. The church girl has been up and down in her emotions and in life. She has cried enough tears to have a river and she has become tired.

Tired of believing, hoping, and seeking a healthy relationship. She still goes to church and perhaps volunteers, but the negative mindset of unbelief for a healthy and God-honoring relationship for her has caused her to resign herself to the lifestyle of seeking only what is easily accessible—attention from men in the club based on the superficial only.

Beyonce confirms that this church girl ain’t trying to hurt nobody—she’s only doing the best that she can. My question is who told you that dropping it like a thotty and entertaining ungodly men is the best that you can do? Was it your experiences of being passed over by men of God? Is it because the worldly culture in many senses has gotten into the church where many men of God are looking for a girl who appears to be looser with her standards for a guaranteed fun sex life after marriage?

church girl
Photo by ali Shot80: https://www.pexels.com/photo/stylish-girl-dressed-13179014/

Single ladies, I’ve been single for many years too, and have seen and experienced the rejection that has become a norm toward church girls or women desiring to please God. The initial song by Twinkie Clark discusses the idea of wanting to be in the center of God’s will, but in Church Girl, all of that goes right out the window. Why is that? I believe it’s due to unbelief.

The unbelief festers within women of God causing them to come out of God’s will and who God has shaped them to be. But women of God do not have to stay there.

I’m not here to judge but to hopefully provide some relief to share that there is another way for the church girl to get the love she desires. We do not have to drop it like a thotty to be loved. I am a prime example of that. I have desired to do things God’s way and come up short for many years as it relates to love.

However, I abide in the hope which allows me to explore healthy relationships because my healthy boundaries or standards are clearly in place. Thus, my heart and body are protected when I explore love. Men know what type of a girl I am when they speak with me.

This prevents me from going through some crazy stuff. In a sense, I’ve remained covered and protected with a hopeful heart for love. When we do not believe we uncover ourselves as women.

The covered woman not only remains covered but she attracts a man of God who will mutually cover and protect her because he sees that she believes she is worth it. A woman who believes she is worth it will allow a man to cover her while one who doesn’t will uncover herself.

This is the road that following the church girl song will lead you down. You will become uncovered, used, disrespected, broken, and cold. It could lead to not even being able to recognize healthy love at some point because self-abuse has gone too far.

I think about Hagar in the Bible who was a maid servant to Sarah. She was within Sarah and Abraham’s house to complete a job. Her position was abused. She was used to bring Sarah and Abraham a child. This is a form of abuse or misuse.

The turmoil experienced in Hagar’s house caused her to run from the place of provision that she was initially there for. She set out pregnant with her baby in the wilderness wandering off to a place she did not know.

The Bible says that God sent an angel to speak with her asking her where she is going. She shared she did not know. She was simply running away from her employer Sarah. It had gotten too uncomfortable for Hagar as the tension between her and her employer Sarah grew.

God told her to go back to her employer’s house and submit to her. This would require Hagar to work through the abuse. God said I have seen your misery. God noted that it has been uncomfortable for her. He gave her a safe place to exhale and be seen, heard, and valued within her experience.

He gave her direction on naming her child and sharing a bit of what his personality would be like. This provided direction and prevented her from wandering in the desert as a pregnant woman with no provision on her own. In continuing to do so, she would have been uncovered, unprovided for with a baby to protect. It was not wise nor God’s best for her.

Scripture goes on to say that Hagar gave God a name, “ El Roi.” This means the God who sees me. She was no longer invisible. Someone saw her pain, the strides she attempted to make serving her master, and becoming broken in the process.

Like Hagar, many single women who have desired to please God have felt unseen, unnoticed, and looked over. Likewise, the church girl has only desired to be seen, touched, loved, and treated as a human. It’s become uncomfortable at times as a single woman, but not so much that we cannot work through it with God’s help and wisdom from others.

God sees us too! And we do not have to go the route of belittling ourselves to be seen by men who value us. God will provide us tools to establish healthy relationships with men and to enjoy the process of conversating with men who respect our standard to treat ourselves with respect. Likewise, the man who sees us respecting ourselves will also respect us and feel safe with us because we value ourselves so highly. In this, he will know that while he is at work taking care of the business, his wife will not be out wilding in the streets. Real mature men are attracted to women who respect themselves (See Proverbs 31:10-11.)

I’m not here to judge what is being shown on the exterior—the twerking, more revealing dress and the like. I’m here, like Christ, to provide open arms of love saying to come back to who you are. A woman who seeks to be within the center of Christ’s will.

Instead of giving up on having a healthy love within God’s will—consider tools that will assist you in having that type of love. Tools like putting yourself out there in healthy ways and maintaining your boundaries that make you healthy and whole within the process.

These are the types of things I teach in my writing and my new coaching program for single Christian women. I have not released the program yet as I have not had the capacity within my schedule and life in general, but one day it will be released.

In the meantime, consider getting a Christian dating coach who can provide the wisdom and direction needed to gain your heart’s desire without compromising who you are at the core. Or add yourself to my newsletter to receive my blogs when released and information about my books, courses, and coaching. When we compromise who we are at the core, we have to continue to do so to make any relationship birthed out of that compromise work.

Finally, there is a time and place for everything under the sun. If you desire to dance for your husband later after you get the ring—have at it! It’s honorable to share all of you with someone who truly values you. That’s the gentleman who deserves it—not a random in the club.

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Getting Still in an Age of Hustle & Grind

getting still

What up Y’all! I know it’s been a while since I dropped a blog article. I’ve been practicing what I’m about to preach—getting still. Getting still can be a hard thing to do. There is always something to do. So much so, that if we aren’t intentional about getting still—we run the risk of going and going on empty—until we run out.

Even God—the one in whom we are created to reflect his image—modeled rest for us. When intentionally getting still, we aren’t just going to bed early to sleep. Instead, we remove some things from our plate creating the margin for us to refresh—mentally, spiritually, emotionally, socially, and physically.

Getting still refreshes the whole person. We have time to think, see, or perceive things without the stress of always being on a deadline. Sometimes it’s nice to not always have to run to the next thing. We are better able to enjoy life experiences at a steadier pace.

Getting still also better enables us to hear from God preparing us for our next season. Finally, getting more still creates the margin in our lives to have the capacity to handle life challenges. In April of this year, I felt a pulling away from the work of social media and blogging.

This pulling away, allowed me to feel what it feels like to just be. Not to always do, but to be. There is a difference. Doing all of the time can have us in the mindset of always working and never stopping to enjoy the fruit of our labor. That fruit may not always look like money. Perhaps, it’s diligence or an area being exposed that we need to be built up in such as waning belief because we are laboring but not seeing expected fruit. Expected fruit can be a shift or promise from God being fulfilled.

Getting Still

When God does things; however, he doesn’t do them on our timetable, rhythm, or expectation. He does things according to his process. He prizes our inner man to be at a place of quietness, rest, peace, and total surrender to him. Sometimes, constantly working when God is saying to rest is a sign that our trust is in ourselves and our work more than God to fulfill his promise.

God is a jealous God and he will not have any other God before him—not even something that appears good like work, hustle, or grind. These are things held high within our culture without necessarily acknowledging God within the work. The door becomes open for pride if we are successful without acknowledging God and unbelief toward God if we work and do not find the expected success. The Bible makes it clear that those who labor are laboring in vain unless God is within the building of the house (Ps 127:1.)

Even when God called for the rebuilding of the temple of God after the Babylonian exile of Israel, God was in the rebuilding of the temple. He touched the hearts of several different people involved in the process adding favor to see it to completion. It was a process, but it got done with God’s help. In this example, God touched the heart of King Cyrus causing him to give favor to Israel funding the rebuilding. He touched Zerubbabel and others.

This allows us to see that work is not a bad thing unless we are seeking to bring something to pass God has promised without his help—his favor, and his leading. Someone said anything built outside of God will have to be sustained outside of God. This is why those who place the value on hustling and grinding to accomplish success without God’s leading, may find that they are more willing to compromise their character to sustain the success that ensued. God doesn’t want us to build his promises outside of him.

He doesn’t want us worn out and tired from constantly doing and never experiencing the joy of being. So, he calls us to rest. It takes trust and faith in God to do this–to remove our hands from our work and still see it prosper. God knows what he is doing. The margin created during my obedience to God in coming away resting and seeking God has given me the capacity to handle a more stressful time at work, the loss of a close loved one, and a minor surgery. I did not know I would need the additional margin, but God knew.

Getting Still

You see God values us outside of the work we believe he’s given us to do. He values us as his precious sons and daughters. He wants us to rest and enjoy this life he’s given us. This also allows us to enjoy him—God himself. In the slowing down and resting—we notice the promises of God he has fulfilled. We become more patient, thankful, and less stressed. We also become more open to God bringing to pass the things he’s promised—instead of us trying to produce them ourselves.

I would love to encourage you all to stir up your prayer life even more during a time of slowing down to rest. God will put his word in your mouth in prayer so you can prophesy over yourself, your situation, and your family. Write down what God shows you. Allow God to use this time to build you because you matter beyond the hustle and the grind. When it is time for you to return to your work—you’ll have God’s grace and strength to go with you.

A book I am listening to now via audiobook is “God Where Are You?” by John Bevere. It shares about God’s process before he shifts us to our next. This is where I am right now and many of us are within the body of Christ. We can build ourselves up by listening to the Word of God in this book.

 

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Was Will Smith’s Response to Chris Rock’s Joke Protection of Black Women?

Will Smith

There has been a lot of chatter about the whole Will Smith slapping Chris Rock all week at the Oscar. One consistent theme is viewing Will Smith’s response to that of protecting Black women. I disagree with this interpretation and here is why.
In real life, a man resulting to violence to protect a woman over something that was only said in jest isn’t enough reason to result in violence. Further, violence always escalates a situation. Many times, that escalation ends in death. Homicide is the fourth leading cause of death in Black men according to the CDC.

Many instances of homicide between Black men due to altercations leading to death can be avoided by practicing self-control, good judgment, and humility. These are the characteristics we saw displayed in Chris Rock, who did not further escalate the ordeal. Instead, he continued doing his job and decided not to press charges against Will Smith. Between the two men, if this had been on the street, Chris’ actions would have been more reflective of protecting Black women as he would have ended up staying alive.

Protecting Black women is staying alive enough to love and support us. It’s also staying out of jail enough to love and support us. It’s being present and valuing the family God’s given you. I remember years ago. I’d come home to see a new person in my neighbor’s yard. I mentioned it to my dad, who went outside to greet the gentleman saying hello and introducing himself.
The neighbor wasn’t very friendly, and my dad felt his response was disrespectful to him.

He stormed into the house going upstairs and I heard him unlocking a box. I believe he may have had his gun in that box. He rushed toward the door saying the gentleman had been disrespectful toward him. I ran out in front of him putting all locks on the door and blocking the door with my body. I would not let my dad outside. My dad said, “Get out the way.” I said no, it’s not worth it. He ran to the other door. I blocked that door doing the same thing. At the same time, I yelled to my mom and brother to call the police.

They called the police. They said what do we tell them? I said to tell them we need their help to resolve a neighborly dispute. The police came. I knew this would de-escalate the situation as no one is foolish enough to do something crazy in front of the police. They talked to the gentleman and my dad and it was resolved. Later, my dad said I was right. It was not worth it.

Our men, like my dad and Will Smith, are strong, smart, courageous, caring, loving, and protective. However, through one decision, all of that can be thrown away. Once, someone is dead, there is no coming back from that. That’s why God created women to be present with men as our very essence helps them.

We cover them by de-escalating situations through the wisdom of God. My favorite author Lisa Bevere shares in the video below how women have been given the charge of protecting the heart:


This is also reflective of the fact that women were taken from Adam’s rib and made. The ribcage’s job is to protect vital organs that are essential to life such as the heart.
This is why the Bible says a prudent wife comes from the Lord. Further, when men are married being connected to a wise rib stats share that they live longer. Our role as women isn’t to sacrifice our men to bravado or to parade their ego for us on behalf of our honor. It’s to help them to think sober and come to themselves when moments of bravado come over them.
In those moments, we remind them of their value and worth as men to us. Their value and their worth as men are worth more than the moment of bravado. Many men get the wrong image from society that acting immediately out of emotions fighting or shooting is manhood. It is not.

Manhood is not proven in fighting or shooting another person. It’s shown in maturity and taking on responsibilities that not only protect himself, but his wife, sisters, brothers, fathers, and sons.

If you ask me who protected Black women on that Oscar stage, I’d have to say, Chris Rock. It takes a unique strength, humility, and grace to take a hit and not punch back. It also speaks volumes of love and value toward his brother in humanity Will Smith.

It says, hey, I see you and I value you. I’m going to give you the space to heal and do what you have to do. This is how God calls us to respond to our brothers and sisters who offend us. Not only would Chris return to his family in real life after such an altercation, but Will would too due to his brother’s grace. This is what we need more of—grace for one another when we slip up in our humanity.

We aren’t throwing Will Smith away because of his response either. He’s still precious and still valuable as a man. We still love him and pray for him. I believe we should pray for him even more as there will be consequences. His decision has him in a position of humility while Chris is being promoted.

His ticket sales are increasing after this incident. This is how things work in the kingdom of God. Humility precedes promotion. Chris had a low moment of being slapped on a national stage and not responding violently. He is now being promoted. Will is in a moment of humility now as the world discusses his decision and the academy is reviewing ideas of corrective action.
Let’s pray that God will get everything he desires out of this experience to produce his will in the future for Will and his entire family. Let’s pray that the more positive and balanced voices of the chatter would be louder than the foolish ones so that others will learn and more lives of our precious men and women would be preserved. Let’s also pray for Chris’ strength as he processes the entire situation.

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