As single women, we have to deal with a whole lot. Therefore, there are certain character traits that we learn to hone either consciously or unconsciously as a coping mechanism for the way that things are out here. Three of those coping mechanisms are summed up in: Pride, Negative speaking, and Isolation.
Many women naturally desire a covering. For many of us, we have not had the covering that we have desired. There are the women who have never known a covering in the form of a father, women who may know their father, but the father isn’t in a place to cover the woman spiritually or even to make her feel loved. Others have experienced abuse or witnessed consistent abuse between their natural father and mother’s relationship.
Looking to other tangible examples of men, to fill that void often results in disappointment causing a woman to build up a wall of pride to become her own covering. Even though she may have a relationship with the Lord and view the Lord as her covering, she still desires something tangible and that tangible thing becomes her pride.
Pride:
Her pride throws off an invisible magnetic field to those around that they are not getting into her inner circle. This woman is afraid of being disappointed again, and again, and again as has been the consistent pattern in her life perhaps from childhood well into adulthood. Her pride protects her and although it in some senses isolates her, she feels safe there. The whole independent woman thing is a situation of safety for her. It is some sense of stability and rest that she has not been able to find in dealing with the men in her life.
The reality is that at some point in time vulnerability is going to be necessary in order to let the appropriate person in. That appropriate person is not just going to be anybody, but someone whom the Lord our true covering has checked out and hand-picked as worthy to be trusted with his daughter who is loved by the Lord greatly. Although, she isn’t perfect and has her issues, her worth is not diminished in the Lord’s sight. As a matter of fact, God is in particularly sensitive to her needs, and will deal with her pride on his time gently removing every fear, healing every disappointment, and assuring her when it is safe to proceed with being vulnerable.
If this is you, you will have to entrust yourself to God submitting to his will. As the Spirit of God leads, you will have to be willing to follow him.
Negative Speaking:
For the woman who has built up a wall of pride, because of her negative experiences, or the lack of positive ones, negative speaking can become a norm for. She may say negative things without even noticing it. She may make blanket statements, for example: “you men”, “All men”, “Black men”, “Young men”. Her therapy in some cases may be to discuss negative men with her girlfriends as they wallow in a hopeless rant that breeds more hopelessness. Her faith for better becomes bleaker and she becomes more isolated from the ideal of an appropriate man because negative is all she sees and all that she speaks.
Because many of us spend years of being single and dealing with these cycles of emotion, these traits that we have picked up can become a part of our character where we continue to practice them unknowingly even after God begins to put his finger on it to began the deliverance process.
Negative speaking as a woman or even as a man is not something that we want to take into the marriage that God gives us. It will only cause wars, strife, and tension between a couple. It results in a man and woman warring against each other instead of building while walking with each other. Satan has been very successful in getting women to think negatively about men and to speak that out of our mouths instead of using our mouths to pray for the men out there who are really trying to live right and struggling. Sometimes, as women, I think we give too much negative attention to negative men, and thus we speak negative. If we focused more on the positive ones, then maybe the negative men will get jealous and get it strait. Nevertheless, what happens with negative men, God will judge them, and we as women need to guard our peace so that we can be in a position to build with our tongues. In practicing this as singles, we will be able to more easily practice this in our marriages.
Lastly, for the negative speakers, I don’t want you to get me wrong in communicating that there isn’t a problem with our men. I know there is a problem out there with lots of our men, and there is nothing worse than someone trying to calm someone down who is angry as if they do not have a right to be angry. I know the anger is legitimate, but what are you going to do about it besides being angry? It would make more sense to focus on your strength which are the godly men instead of the ungodly ones building them up and speaking life over them.
Isolation:
Isolation is a natural response toward people who are angry and prideful. Who wants to be around someone who is just angry and prideful? No one. That means that once God begins to put his finger on this, we have to be willing to let God work on us.
Now, it is extremely legitimate and appropriate for a woman to have to dismiss herself from most men who attempt to talk to her when a lot of these men aren’t in a position to cover a wife nor take on the responsibility of a wife. Nobody needs an additional problem while they are waiting on the Lord for someone appropriate. So yes, many of us single women have to not even consider most men who come to us.
We find ourselves running when we see the red-flags which is wisdom. But again, an appropriate habit for a single woman in waiting, may not be appropriate for a woman who is sure of an appropriate man of God in her world as a suitor or even her husband.
Because of this need to run from ungodly men, many of us women have built up feelings of strong rejection. We withdraw from even appropriate men when things don’t seem to go our way dismissing any hope that things could grow into something beautiful due to the fear of rejection.
We have interpreted God’s protection from the ungodly men as rejection and not being good enough for a relationship. It becomes easier for us to revert back into those feelings of not being good enough, and things will not work out, and it’s easier to just do the me, myself, and I thing rather than to toughen up and work through a relationship whether friendship or leading to romantic with a guy.
Recently, I had an experience like this where I wanted to just withdraw from someone that I was attempting to befriend because I did not like his lack of communication. I remember starting to resort back to thinking negative thoughts and feeling as though isolating myself would be the answer, but the Lord quickened me to pray.
I began to pray. During prayer, I prayed for the young man that I wanted to withdraw from I prayed regarding any fears, concerns, or anxieties that he has that prevent him from communicating in the way that he wants. I prayed against my own selfishness for not even considering how he felt or why he may have not responded. I prayed for men of God in general who are trying to live right. I prayed for those men who have to fight the stigmas of what the world considers to be a man. I prayed against all shame and embarrassment for doing things God’s way. I prayed for stability, consistency, and open communication in their personal relationships with the Lord. It is ironic, that after I prayed, I felt a release in my spirit, and finally the gentlemen contacted me communicating the total opposite of what I was thinking.
The truth is as single women, when we learn to trust God, and his ability to put us together in healthy relationships with men whether it is restoring an ungodly father, brother, friend, or potential spouse, a weight will be lifted and we can more easily follow God’s instruction resulting in humility, positive speaking, and godly fellowship with men.
The last thing that I learned from my ordeal with the friend mentioned above is that humility gives God the opportunity to provide his grace in the situation. God’s grace is his special supernatural ability to do something or go through something victoriously. Satan’s plan that has been enacted seemingly on every generation has been to get the man and the woman at odds with each other in pride, negativity, and isolation resulting in brokenness.
When two people in a situation are full of pride toward one another, there is no room for God to move. Someone has to humble themselves in order to allow God’s grace in the situation. This is also an important lesson to be taken into our marriages. Humility and prayer over pride and negative reactions.
God resists the proud, but gives grace to the humble (James 4:6).
