People say when a person gets into their thirties they no longer care what people think of them. They just do them and let it ride! Well, I don’t know if that is what is going on, but I feel like a good majority of my twenties was in a sense fighting and warring with the idea of me truly being and showing others myself.

I discuss in my latest book (The Single Christian Woman’s Guide) about how sometimes we buck against the call of God for our lives when we don’t understand it altogether. Often, as young people we view the identity that God calls us to as rejection. If I commit all the way to my convictions given to me by God, I will be rejected or I will not fit in, and lastly I will end up alone.
Satan is good at painting a negative picture of us embracing our identity because he knows that our identity comes from our consecration, (willingness to dedicate ourselves to the purpose and call of God for our lives), which leads to our purpose and that opens us up to endless possibilities of seeing the hand of the Lord at work in our own personal and individual lives.

One principal that I learned a long time ago is that a consecrated life can get you places that others will not be able to go. To be consecrated means to be set apart for a specific purpose by God. Therefore, that purpose from God supersedes any and all plans, culture, desires, and such. All of these things: desires, plans, interpretation of culture must be submitted to God in the life of a consecrated believer.

When I was about 19, I learned a valuable lesson from dating a young man at the time. We were in an unequally yoked relationship. We were together often because we worked together, went out a couple of times, and he came to my house a couple of times and met my family. We considered each other friends, but it was clear that he wanted more. When he came to my house, I remember my brother asking me after he left if he was saved. It was because he was not saved that he could only get so close to me and eventually had to fall back altogether.

The lesson that I learned was that when we embrace who we are, it determines who can get close to us. This meaning that everyone is not going to be able to be in my close circle because it would require me to alter my consecration to the Lord. When a person knows who she is, she should embrace that identity not allowing any relationship to cause her to compromise from who God called her to be.

The final part of the lesson learned at 19 was the understanding of why Jesus Christ had to die in order to reconcile us to himself. Because God’s identity is that he is holy, and cannot deny himself; he did something drastic in order to bring us close to him. He took his most precious and only son, made him to die to pay for our sins, and gave us his son’s righteousness. Thus, when we trust in and rely on Jesus Christ for our salvation, righteousness, and wholeness, we then are bought up to the standard that allows us to be in fellowship with God. Off the chain, how God could do that.

We learn from God himself, the importance of not denying our identities, because God did not deny who he was, but bought up those who are willing to the standard necessary to hang with him. In a similar fashion, we as God’s children should allow those close access to us who are willing to come up to an appropriate standard. This includes friendships with males and females as well as romantic relationships.

The trouble with denying who we are comes in when we are around other believers who have a different level of consecration to the Lord, and having different levels of consecration to the Lord isn’t wrong. Some people have convictions about certain things because of the call of God on their lives that others do not.

For example, John the baptist in the Bible did not drink alcohol, nor cut his hair, among other things. While Jesus did drink wine. The consecration required for their purposes was carried out appropriately and they still remained on one accord with one another without feeling as though one or the other should change. However, in our culture when we perceive that we are different from our brother or sister, we feel a pressure to change ourselves. This should not be the case when we know that we are operating in our identities given to us by God himself.

This assurance and surety regarding our identities can only come from an intimate relationship with God. God will reveal his will for how he wants us to conduct ourselves. He often uses others in authority over us to confirm or reveal our identities and he will give us peace in our hearts regarding our identities as well.

From then it is up to us to embrace it or not. Because of the awkwardness of not fitting in, we often make the choice to deny who we are to fit in with others. The truth is there are several others out there just like us who love God with all of our hearts and willingly set ourselves apart in obedience to God for God’s glory, yet have the same fear that we are the only ones. If everyone adopted the ideal that they are the only ones who are weird, peculiar, and set apart for God; there would be no one living for God.

The thing is when we set our identities to the side, we set aside our purpose and every open door that the Lord had planned for us in that identity. It has been a part of God’s plan for my life for me not to have a boyfriend until I meet my husband. Of course, that makes me appear awkward or weird, and I could easily try to go out and get a boyfriend and cause all types of problems for myself, but that would take me off of the beat and path that God has for me, and I am not willing to do that. Instead, I make the choice to continue to embrace who I am and follow Christ

Sometimes people ask me questions like it must be really lonely being single for so long, and I think to myself well I don’t really have a big issue with loneliness. Loneliness as we know is a feeling of being alone that we can feel whether we are by ourselves or not; while being alone is simply being by ourselves.

It is not necessarily a bad thing to be by ourselves. Sometimes, it can be a good thing. When I am by myself, I get a lot done because I don’t have someone to distract me. How one feels being alone, can depend on her personality. For example, if a person is an introvert like I am, that person may need that alone time to recharge before going back into the world mingling around people.

Whereas an extrovert, on the other hand may feel overwhelmed from being alone. Whatever the personality, I’ve learned that giving of your time, and talent to others can be one of the best anecdotes for loneliness and it helps in personal development as well.

Just a few weeks ago, I ran into a staff leader from a group that I used to serve in while in college. It was amazing how everything that I learned serving with him, I am still currently using in my personal ministry. As a young person, I would visit a group called InterVarsity Christian Fellowship and one day the members of the group nominated me to be a leader. I had no clue as to what I’d be doing, but it seemed fun to do something new.

In the process, I discovered that I had a gift to teach, and deal with people among other things. Of course, our gifts need to be developed or else our gifts will just lie dormant, and go unused.  What better way to develop our gifts is there then to volunteer our gifts and talents under the instruction of those already operating in their gifts, we can do nothing but flourish.

For this reason I remind you to fan into flame the gift of God, which is in you through the laying on of my hands. 1 Timothy 1:6 (NIV)

The next time a holiday comes along where singles tend to feel some type of way, why not, check and see if there is someone in need of your unique gifts or abilities where you can serve them. In turn, you are really serving yourself, because you become developed, establish healthy self-esteem after utilizing your gifts, and healthy relationships with others along the way.

The Single life is not a sentence to lonely and unproductive days wondering and wishes for a date. The Single life can be very purposeful, and full of all types of joy and triumph if we allow it. Let’s consider others as singles, and watch God see to it that we are considered as well in personal growth, and fellowship with others.

Don’t be misled–you cannot mock the justice of God. You will always harvest what you plant. Galatians 6:7 (NLT)

He who separates himself seeks his own desire, He quarrels against all sound wisdom. Proverbs 18:1

Normally, when a believer separates himself from friends or a community that would hold him accountable it is for the purpose to do his own thing or to sin. This is a very dangerous position for a believer to be in because doing one’s own thing leads to pride, and it also leads to foolishness.

According to the Bible, it is the fool who has said in his heart that there is no God. In other words, the fool believes in his heart that he can do whatever it is that he wants to do without God holding him accountable for it. He has no earthly reminders of accountability because he has separated himself. The person who allows themselves to become a fool will have a rude awakening to God’s judgment. It is foolish to allow ourselves to get to that point.

This is why I so value the ideal of community, and in times where my circle of accountable believers became minimal due to natural life circumstances such as people moving, starting families and having less time for friendship and such, I have remained intentional about involving myself in a community of believers.

Now, in a community of believers there will be a mixture of mature and immature. That is why we have to have discernment of who we can tell certain things to and who we cannot. One of Satan’s major tricks is to cause offense in communities namely churches in order to separate the offended from the body of the community.

Men typically fall for this quicker than women because men tend to attach certain offenses to their pride as a man. In many cases, men feel as though to look over a fault is somehow a demotion in their man-hood when it is the very opposite.

A man’s discretion makes him slow to anger,
And it is his glory to overlook a transgression. Proverbs 19:11 (NASB)

The Bible makes it clear on how the body of Christ is to deal with offense. We are to forgive, forbear, with, and love one another. It is interesting that each of these three things that believers ought to do in order to remedy offense all point back to ourselves. For example, love your neighbor as you love yourself, and forgive as your heavenly father has forgiven you.

A simple nugget to help strengthen the community relationships and prevent offense is to understand God’s grace and the need that we personally have for it in order to show that same grace, love, and forgiveness to others.

Unfortunately, the old school church was not taught very much in grace, but taught harshly in the law alone. Therefore, many older people struggle with the ideal of God’s grace for themselves and then to others. God’s grace is what we don’t deserve, but what we need to overcome, and to walk in victory. It is that very same grace that we should show to others.

Lastly, another way that the Bible mentions to avoid remaining in offense is to go to the brother that did the offending and have a conversation. If that brother does not hear, then scripture says to get another brother as an intermediary. The point is not to cut off those who can truly hold us accountable in a Biblically sound and reasonable manner because of offense alone. It is important for every believer to have accountability because it sharpens us, refines us, and builds us up in ways that walking alone cannot do.

Accountability is so important that even God of the highest character and integrity made himself accountable to his very own word saying:

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The LORD told me, “You have observed well, because I’m watching over my message, to make sure it comes about.” Jeremiah 1:12

will worship toward your holy temple, and praise your name for your lovingkindness and for your truth: for you have magnified your word above all your name. Psalms 138:12

We as human beings need someone to submit to because we are prone to sin because of our flesh, but submission to appropriate accountability and community helps to curb the weaknesses of our flesh.

Those that are intentional about accountability and maintaining a strong community will be less likely to walk in such an overt spirit of rebellion, self-will, pride, and foolishness because the community has helped to check a lot of that behavior through the transparency and sharpening that comes with appropriate community. Let’s be intentional about community, accountability, and not compromising with sin as we grow closer toward the Lord.