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When Friendship Turns Into a Situation-ship: (Part I)

Can mutually attractive people of the opposite sex be just friends?​

As women, there are some guys that there is just a natural chemistry or kinship with. Those types of guys are easy to talk to and super friendly. They just make you feel mad comfortable. They are also attractive and they may find us attractive as well. However, due to underdevelopment in key areas such as purity and consecration, we quickly confine a brother to the friend zone.

Could this be a trap waiting to happen by being friends with someone of the opposite sex who is all of that, and yet still struggling to maintain consistency in the area of consecration or even worse, content with the lack of consecration to the Lord?

If it is okay to be friends with this type of a situation, how can boundaries be maintained to ensure the relationship remains as just friends? I am still learning, growing, and being tested in this area myself, but what I do believe is that we can either consciously or unconsciously use a person under the title as a friend to fill voids as singles that only God should be filling at the time.

When we open ourselves up to these sort of experiences; we, in turn, open ourselves up to be distracted. We distract ourselves from things like wholeness, undivided attention toward the Lord, and who we are in Christ, what we are called to do, and those we are called to walk with, in this season of our lives.

We can easily establish an emotional soul-tie with a friend by allowing the friend to fill the void that God would have filled until our husband is sent. Even though, there was never the title of a boyfriend; if a friend acts like, or crosses boundaries like they are a boyfriend, the same sort of a break up required in an actual dating relationship will be required with a friend of the opposite sex.

This is why I believe it is wisdom to keep this sort of a situation-ship posing as a friendship at bay. I believe that the would-be friend needs to be kept at arm’s length. That means there are levels of intimacy that the friend is not allowed to enter into.  If the thought of setting boundaries like a dating relationship comes up; then it is probably a distraction.

On the other hand, if the person is just attractive and he or she isn’t lacking in consecration but has the character and consecration to match one’s own; this person can be a friend, and the friend should already have a decent foundation with appropriate boundaries in that case which would prevent any type of confusion. God is not the author of confusion. Satan is the author of confusion. Our own lusts also author confusion in our lives.

Finally, us not being honest with ourselves about our own lusts and desires produces confusion. This confusion leads to us justifying why we allow our desires to be awakened before the appropriate time with the wrong person(s) and thus sin is produced in our lives again.

Then, after desire has conceived, it gives birth to sin; and sin, when it is full-grown, gives birth to death. – James – 1:15

Next week, I will share part II of this discussion where I was tempted with an old friend who came back into my life.

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A Deeper Look at Identity through Jesus Christ:

Being a believer is a process where the believer goes from glory to glory. We go from one place of maturity to a greater place of maturity, one place of knowledge to a greater place of knowledge and wisdom. We are cleansed and made more into the image of Christ through Christ’s word.Sanctify them by the truth; your word is truth. – John 17:17Everyone doesn’t like it when we grow. Some people like us more when we stay in the same place. To some, acceptance is contingent upon if all parties are at the same level. When one party decides to grow and embrace even more of their identity in Christ, a separation due to competition is often produced. This is what Jesus dealt with in John 5. He was stopped by the religious people who confronted Jesus due to him healing a man on the Sabbath day. Let’s look at how Jesus held fast to his identity when others were offended by it.

We can be bold in who we are as long as we depend on the Lord


Jesus Christ did not fall back from his identity one bit. As a matter of fact, when he was confronted by the religious people; he gave them a greater lesson on who he was. He said, yes, both I and my father work on the Sabbath. This was Jesus’ way of letting them know that he was equal with God, and because he is equal with God he is not going to back down. He was bold in who he was because his identity came from his heavenly father.

We should be well acquainted with our purpose and walk in it boldly
Jesus was well aware of his purpose. He laid out that he had some specific tasks given to him by the Father. Some of these tasks included judgment, raising the dead, and healing on the Sabbath day and any day he otherwise pleased. Jesus was making a bold statement that his identity did not come from acceptance with men, but from the Father himself. Just as Jesus, our head and example, our identity also doesn’t come from acceptance with men, but from the Father.

We should not seek the praise of men but from God
There are many who are insecure, who seek to identify with someone greater than them. They seek to gain the praise of someone greater than them. The religious, who confronted Jesus compared themselves to Jesus. Seeking to belittle Jesus, they wanted Jesus to seek their acceptance and their praise. This is something that they also practiced with one another, but Jesus would not take part.

“I do not accept glory from human beings,  but I know you. I know that you do not have the love of God in your hearts. I have come in my Father’s name, and you do not accept me; but if someone else comes in his own name, you will accept him. – John 5:41-42

Just as Jesus would not modify his identity and purpose for the praise of men, we ought not to modify our identity and purpose for the praise of men. We ought to allow pleasing God to be our motivation for who we are and what we do. This doesn’t mean that God will not use people after his heart to affirm our reputations before others and to ourselves.

God will always have someone else who has his heart to affirm us
Even though Jesus is equal with God, he pointed out also that he does not testify of himself, but John the Baptist was sent before him to testify of him. There is an authenticity displayed when other reputable people affirm who we are. It provides a safe place where we can be affirmed by those who aren’t comparing themselves to us but instead love us for who we are because they also get their identity from God and not others.

How interesting that all of this testing of Jesus’ identity took place on the Sabbath day. I do believe that God wants us to rest in our identities in Christ just as Jesus rested. Those who opposed Jesus did so because they were insecure within themselves. Often times when people are insecure within themselves; they latch on to a religious spirit. They extract their identity from self-righteousness and policing others according to the standard that they set for themselves.

This is what they sought to do with Jesus. They compared Jesus to themselves, declared him guilty or unworthy to do what he was doing, and thus sought to control him by convincing him he was in the wrong.

Yes, the commandment of resting on the Sabbath day was valid for men, but God was not under that rule because he is God. Jesus was actually giving the religious leaders insight to how God works—when we rest, God works.

“When We Rest God Works.”

Those who are insecure are ruled by a spirit of fear. They consistently modify themselves to feel accepted even to the point of trying to do what God is supposed to do. Those religious men should have been at rest. What they were telling Jesus to do; they should have been doing. Instead, they became busybodies meddling in what did not concern them.

We all can be tempted with an insecure spirit. We all can be tempted to grasp our identity from people, religious self-righteousness, or comparing ourselves to others, but that only introduces a cycle of confusion and control. Let’s take a lesson from Jesus, and find our identity in that intimate place of seeking the Lord and resting in what God gives us.

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WHAT IS YOUR MOTIVATION?

Is it to compete with your neighbor and go further than they have? Is it to prove to the naysayers that they are indeed just naysayers? I’ve found that there is a perversion of motivation that as believers, we need to guard ourselves against. That is the motivation to do things for the wrong reason.

Many are holding ideas of doing big things and establishing a name for themselves, and that’s all good when we are in our lane getting what God ordained for us and doing what God ordained for us.

It is my prayer the motivation for myself would be to maintain the mindset of doing what I do out of obedience for the Lord and for the glory of the Lord. I believe that when this is the motivation that we are unstoppable. One, because God will be behind us, and if God is for us nothing and no one can stand against us.

Two, we will stay connected to God in an undistracted way and be in a position to receive and heed his wisdom as he directs us through the path he has ordained for us. Yes, that is correct, each person has a path that includes their very own individual purpose just like the prophet Jeremiah had a path preordained for him to be a prophet to the nation. It’s only when we allow ourselves to be distracted, that we lose sight of that path and allow a perversion of what God has called us to do.

Please, don’t fall into the trap of doing things for the wrong reason. Please, don’t fall into the trap of doing things for social media likes, sales alone, the admiration of man, or to keep up with your neighbors, when God has given you your own path to walk for his glory.

If you have to get off of social media, or unfollow people, do what you have to do to maintain the integrity of doing what you are called to do for the right reason. The Bible discusses three manifestations of the spirit of the world. They are the lust of the flesh, the lust of the eyes, and the pride of life, which the scripture goes on to say that these things are not from the Father in heaven, but from this world (1 John 2:16).

Some will disagree with me, but I believe that some of the women empowerment ideas that are held to are manifestations of the pride of life. An example of such an idea is, “Bougie.” Bougie people live outside of their means to appear to be in a class that they are not.

Bougie people normally aren’t secure in their identity in Christ, and thus use status to cover that up. Many single women are finding identity in their accomplishments alone, and not in their identity in Christ.

While there is nothing wrong with aspiring to be in an upper class, to boast in these things, I feel is wrong and leads to vanity.

It is a dangerous thing to gather our worth from what we have accomplished. Yes, there is a general respect that comes with accomplishments, but I feel that our culture has gone into prideful boasting about its accomplishments. The Bible warns against vain boasting sharing what we should boast in if we are to boast and that is in the Lord.

But let the one who boasts boast about this: that they have the understanding to know me, that I am the Lord, who exercises kindness, justice, and righteousness on earth, for in these I delight, declares the Lord. – Jeremiah 9:24

When we boast in ourselves, we take the attention off of Jesus, and the work that God is doing in our lives, and we place it on ourselves. Those who get caught up in trying to keep up an image of perfection, flawlessness, and always winning do not usually fail well. Failure in many aspects is a normal part of life. Without failure at something, many solutions would not have been discovered.

Humility plays an important role in keeping our motivation in check. There was a dispute between the followers of John and the followers of Jesus. The followers of John were sharing with John the Baptiste that Jesus was also baptizing and many of John’s followers were going over to follow Jesus and leaving off following John.

John the Baptiste was cool with that because he understood his calling. His calling was to be a forerunner for Christ. He responded to his disciples by saying the below:

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When we have the right perspective of ourselves, and our purpose within God’s plan, we will more easily walk at a steady pace where we are sensitive to what God wants above what people want.

People are fickle. They often rally behind what appears will succeed. They may even go as far as to ignore, not take seriously, or put down what looks unique and unsuccessful. That’s why pleasing people cannot be our motivation, but pleasing God should be.

But Jesus didn’t entrust himself to them because he knew human nature. John 2:24

Even Jesus, being aware of the nature of man, did not entrust his value, identity, or worth over to a man. We are to do the same allowing God to be our motivation.

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3 main ways, You’ll Know You’ve Met the One – Part II

Do You Fully Love & Accept Yourself ?

​Singles are often encouraged to lower their standards to prove they are good enough to have somebody. I did this before. I was tired of everywhere I turned having to fight for peace and rest giving explanations to others on why I was still single and not dating. I tried to make it work with a guy who was not on my level, but he was saved.

Of course, I could not be myself all the way. I had to be quiet more about what I saw in his life that was simply out of order for a man who was pursuing a woman of God as not to appear as a nag.

There is no way our relationship would have worked without him coming up on his own. I would have had to operate outside of my role as a woman to be in a relationship with him. I would have had to do both my role and his to a large degree because he did not understand who he was and what his role was and if he did he was operating in rebellion which is another animal.

If you have to modify, change, or lower yourself away from your identity in Christ, it’s not it. If you do not know your identity in Christ, you should not be dating.

Instead, seek the Lord and see what he is saying to you.

I had been seeing myself too low due to the warfare I faced as a single woman over the years and some other things in me that needed to be dealt with.

Instead of seeking to make a relationship work that isn’t for you, seek the Lord and see what he is saying. God may want to do some additional work within you that you aren’t aware of even needing.

Whatever the word of the Lord is over your life, submit to that. God is committed to making us whole before joining us with someone else. It doesn’t mean that you have to be perfect before meeting an appropriate person. It means that you have to be healthy enough to still be who God wants you to be even while being joined to another person.

Maybe, it isn’t time to seek a relationship. Maybe God wants you focused on something else.

When we are married, we will be more vulnerable than we have ever been before, and thus we will be more open to being hurt more than we have ever been before. We all have heard it before, it’s those closest to us who hurt us the most. God wants us to be able to still be good after going through various things with our future spouses.

This is why it is so important to be whole when dating someone. Only when we are whole we will make healthy choices for ourselves without bending who we are to make something work with someone who doesn’t have God’s best interest for us.

If you are experiencing signs that you are doing it on your own; don’t be rebellious. Humble yourself and be willing to let it go. Begin to allow healing to take place until you come to a healthy place and make your relationship choices out of that healthy place.

I recently read an article about a popular comedian, Leslie Jones, who tweeted that she does not feel optimistic about finding a marriage partner for the future because men aren’t noticing that she is working out.

She made the comment that because of that she just may die alone. Her statement reveals a broader issue of how she feels about herself. It appears she isn’t in a healthy enough state about how she perceives herself to date at the present time.

She needs to fall in love with herself to the point where she doesn’t care if any men are noticing her because she notices herself. At that point, she will be whole enough to be noticed by someone who shares the same value for her that she holds for herself. It doesn’t matter what age we are whether 50 or 30. Age is not a requirement for readiness for courtship and marriage. Wholeness is a requirement. Wholeness includes seeing ourselves the right way.

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3 Ways You Will Know if You’ve Met The One – Part I

​Proverbs 10:22 – The Blessing of the Lord makes rich and adds no sorrow with it.

This means there will be a particular grace that provides an ease of abiding within the blessing that comes from the Lord. That doesn’t mean it will be easy all of the time, and there will be no opposition. It simply means, you will be empowered to overcome those things with a particular grace that comes from God.

When we attempt to operate outside of God’s grace; we do relationships in our own strength. If we commit to doing relationships in our own strength, we become responsible to hold it together ourselves without God’s help. In essence, we do not give God any room to work.

We cannot even live a Christian life without God’s grace. Because relationships are a metaphorical picture of Christ and the church; when we look at our relationship with God; we can see that it was impossible for men to live a life pleasing to God without the grace that came from Jesus Christ.

Is God’s Grace Over The Relationship?
 
Many times relationships fell because we move outside of God’s grace. His supernatural ability that allows an ease in doing a thing because God has ordained it.

What does that mean? Should we not talk to a person if everything is not easy. Not at all. You should walk by faith.

By all means if you believe a person may be worth investing in, do all of the stuff that we should do such as seeking God, talking to a person and discerning their purpose and direction in life and whether it is complementary to who you are or not along with the guidance of godly counsel and accountability.

Do You Have God’s Peace in your dealings with the suitor?

If you do not have God’s total peace about a situation, it more than likely isn’t God. Obey God quickly. Don’t wait until you get attached because you are lying to yourself and/or making excuses why you should be with someone anyway. God sees what we do not see, and he is often protecting us from what we don’t know.

Don’t try to make something work that you know is not God. That is when we begin to operate outside of God’s grace. Again, when we operate outside of God’s grace, we become responsible to try to make things work on our own and we end up in shipwreck.

Many of us have tried to make things work on our own instead of submitting to what God has for us in a particular season. When we try to force a relationship outside of God’s grace and timing, it is often due to insecurities within us.

Next week we will close this out with the 3rd way you will know if you’ve met the one as we discuss how you see yourself.

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Why Do Women of God Compromise With Ungodly Guys?

Last week, I published an interview with an author, writer, and speaker Derek Q. Sanders. During the course of our interview, we stumbled into another discussion of why do women of God go for the ungodly men.

I presented some of the ideas that I am familiar with and have been tempted with to go for ungodly men, not to justify the reasoning, but to give greater insight as to what is going on out here.

My Answers to this Question

I shared that many women go for the ungodly men because those are the men who pursue women of God. Many women do not experience men of God pursuing them. To the point of a woman’s self-worth causing her to go for ungodly men, I agreed that this is true, but that women of God are often broken down.

It is a fight to do things God’s way, and sometimes women get tired of fighting. Women have to fight the ideas from their families that something is wrong with them for being single for long periods of time. We have to fight the idea from the church that there is something wrong with us for being single for long periods of time, and we have to fight ourselves and our biological clocks. Many women would rather give in to a good guy who comes along even though he isn’t where he should be, and so some women do.

I also brought up an additional question to this point. Could a woman’s weakness in this area be equated with the idea that the Bible speaks about as far as women being the weaker vessel? Could it be that we are the weaker vessel because of the desire that we have to be covered by a man which in short that means to be loved, sought after, and protected?

​The Bible did pronounce the below judgment on women after the fall in the garden of Eden:

To the woman he said, I will greatly multiply your sorrow and your conception; in sorrow, you shall bring forth children, and your desire shall be to your husband, and he shall rule over you. – Genesis 3:16

It seems that we can have a great desire as a woman to have a husband because of what a husband is expected to provide as mentioned above. Derek’s response was that ungodly men do not cover women, but they do to an extent. They do not cover women Biblically speaking, but according to the flesh many good men cover women by checking up on her, telling her she is beautiful, and providing for her.

Many women do not pass the test of passing up on a good guy for a godly guy because they consider the good guy better than nothing at all. Many women of God view the barely saved good guy or the ungodly good guy as the best that they have seen according to what we have been taught Biblically to expect from a man. 

Even further, in many cases, women of God are put down for carrying the standard that God has set for them to expect from a man. Women of God deal with a lot of pressure that says our standard is too high for a man of God and thus we should settle for someone instead of being picky.

Of course, Derek felt that the main reason women accepted and got with ungodly men is that their esteem was just simply low. However, there are times in all of our lives where our esteem may get low because life will break us down. However, we still have a choice, and despite the many pressures we do not have to give in to settling for less than God has for us. I shared that had it not been for the grace of God strengthening me and providing godly community in the form of males in my life who told me, “that’s not it. You’re worth more. You need someone more mature.” I would have settled with a good guy who was not where he should be in Christ as well.
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What should a woman do in this position?

She can do what I did when I was broken down and felt I had no strength to hold on to God’s way any further. I was first willing to die meaning if this is the life God has for me to consistently fight until I give out and die, then I would rather die than to do things outside of God’s way.

Two, I prayed and asked God to bring godly male accountability into my life. God delivered my little brother and set him on fire for God during that time. God told me specifically that he would help me out. God also sent another friend into my life who tells me when he feels I am settling. 

This particular brotha and I talk about some of everything because he is very mature. I have many mature men and women around me whereas before I did not. Previously, I felt as though I was fighting on my own. Waiting on God for a godly spouse to compliment us is not something that we can do on our own. It has to be done in community where we are protected because we are valuable to God.

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Manhood Series Part IV: What Does it Mean to Be the Head?

What Does it Mean for a Man to be the Head?

This article is a quick snapshot of an interview with Author, Speaker, Blogger, and Certified Relationship Coach Derek Q. Sanders. The interview in its entirety is in a link below. Also, more information can be found on his books, “Outdated Rethinking how Men Date Women and Ladies’ Little Black Book” on his website at www.derekqsanders.com.

Derek noted a problem that women have with submission is that the woman’s part is normally taught, but the man’s responsibility is not covered. He brings out the point that a man does not have a right to expect a woman to submit to him who isn’t married to him.

Headship means a man is responsible. A man is responsible for making sure things are as they should be. For example, in the garden of Eden when both the man and woman fell, God did not ask Eve where she was. He asked Adam where he was because the man is primarily responsible for the direction of his household. He has to make sure that everything is as it should be whether things are going good or bad. It does not mean that the woman is a slave or has no say-so, but simply the man holds the primary responsibility.

When Asked how Can a Man Prepare Himself for Such A Great Responsibility
Men should be accountable to other great men. It is not a woman’s responsibility to train a man into being a man. The only woman that may teach a man that is his mother. Men should seek out other men who can provide them with godly counsel. Women make excuses for men who aren’t yet fit to lead, but that does not change the fact that he is unfit.

A woman should leave that brotha alone until he grows into a responsible man. Women say that they are nurturers and because of that, they nurture adult men. Men do not need to be nurtured; they need to be supported.

The time that a man decides he wants to be in a relationship with a woman; he becomes responsible to learn how to be a man whether he received this from his father or not. He will have to be intentional about seeking this out.

What would you say to the brothas who have the idea that preparing for marriage is all about getting money, a house, and a car and being prepared to order a woman around?

First, only a certain amount of men have that mindset. Furthermore, only a certain type of a man deserves the title of a man. These are men who have reached a certain standard. Other men are males. Men who have this mindset of thinking are simply males and not men yet.

What does it actually look like for a man to cover a woman?
That would simply come under headship. It falls under just being a man. As a man, it should be innate within men to protect a woman. Men have to treat women delicately because women are the weaker vessel. Within this culture, we’ve gotten so far away from the distinction of what defines a man. There are crazy ideas of what a man is on television and social media and such.

To Misconceptions of Manhood
Many men when asked the question, “when did you become a man” respond by saying things like when they received their first job, or when they had sex. They see manhood as a rite of passage earned by sex with a woman or driving a car. Because many men have not been taught; they equate their manhood with using a woman for sex or conquering her for sex.
Because of this, many men feel as though if they can get stuff from a woman, sex, food, cleaning then they are a man. Many women agree with this idea of manhood and will judge a good guy harshly.

He gave an example of a brotha who was operating out of a similar mindset until he began attending a Bible study that focused on Biblical manhood. Afterward, the brotha did a total 180. He shared with Derek that he was operating out of the mindset of misconceptions because that was the only knowledge he had at the time.

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Manhood Series Part III: Common Misconceptions of Manhood & Being The Head

Biblically speaking, it is obvious that the man is to be the head of his household once married, but what does that actually mean? I interviewed a man and his interview will be coming up next week to share just what being the head means Biblically. In the meantime, I will respond to some of the common misconceptions about being a man or being the head as it relates to men addressing women.

Control
Because many men aren’t trained on how to be the head, control seems to be a default misconception for many men.  Control is the idea that women need to be put in their place, or forced to submit instead of being drawn into submission through love and respect.

A woman is wooed by love and kindness. This cannot be superficial. It has to be real. Real love requires a mutual respect. There cannot be a mindset of control or dominance over her. The Bible is clear that both man and woman together are to have dominion over the earth.

Husbands and wives are supposed to submit to one another.
This mutual submission implies a mutual respect that sets the tone for the woman to submit to the man. Mutual respect says I value your opinion, wisdom, insight, and all that you have to offer. Mutual respect says I respect you as a whole person––that is mind, emotions, and will, not just for the physical features.

When a man loves a woman wholly meaning not just to be a trophy to make him look good according to the flesh, but for all that she brings to the table, that woman will open up and share everything she has with that man. She will at that point willingly submit because she is impressed by the brotha’s genuineness to love her instead of attempt to use her and discard her.

Remember that the man is the one who sets the structure for how the relationship will go. The woman responds to it. In response to God’s love, we were drawn to God through Christ. In response to God’s love for us, we submit our bodies to God a living sacrifice exclusive and acceptable unto God. Isn’t this what you want as a man? That is the example that Jesus set for himself and his bride, the church. A man in interacting with his woman should follow the same example.

If you have to manipulate and control a woman into wanting to be with you or doing what you say; you set the tone for her to respond just as manipulative and controlling as you have been.

The Man’s Ability to Make Money
I covered this one in another blog series. It is important for a man to provide for his family, and I am not diminishing that role, but simply providing financially only is not enough. Being a man means to be responsible for. That means that the man will be held responsible for his household. The man will have to not only provide financially for his family, but he will need to provide spiritual guidance, wisdom, direction, and in short be there for his household. This requires communication, understanding, and consistent growth. There has to be a humility in a man to continue to learn and grow so that he is able to handle all of the responsibility given to him as a man.

Worshipping the man above God
Some men expect women to give up their devotion to God, and replace that with devotion only to him as the man. Some men seem to think that God should hold a temporary place of affection in a woman’s heart until he shows up. Yes, even men who label themselves Christian and attend church consistently hold this view.

Please, know that the opposite of this view is not imbalance. Keeping God first in our lives does not mean that we will be having prayer instead of fixing breakfast for our hungry family, or running to conferences while our houses are in disarray or shouting instead of making love to our husbands. Keeping God first is a heart condition. It is a character trait and a way of life.

It simply means not intentionally going against the commands of God. This actually works to the benefit of a man of God because a woman who does this has good character and will most likely be loyal. When a woman relinquishes her identity in Christ to become whatever her new god, the man says, that is a dangerous situation. Any woman who allows this is not whole. A person who isn’t whole can become capable of nearly any type of behavior. Prepare for problems if this is your relationship.

Therefore, I urge you, brothers and sisters, in view of God’s mercy, to offer your bodies as a living sacrifice, holy and pleasing to God–this is your true and proper worship. – Romans 12:1 (Here, we as the body of Christ, respond to God’s mercy and love).

Submit to one another out of reverence for Christ. Ephesians 5:21

Then God said, “Let us make mankind in our image, in our likeness, so that they may rule over the fish in the sea and the birds in the sky, over the livestock and all the wild animals, and over all the creatures that move along the ground.” – Genesis 1:26

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Manhood Series Part II: Ignoring Your Weakness While Only Focusing on Your Strength

Many men overcompensate their time and investment in their strengths while simply ignoring their weaknesses. This is done because many men feel vulnerable when it comes to dealing with their weaknesses. It makes him feel less of a man. For example, if a man never learned how to cover a woman emotionally, spiritually, and mentally, he will leave her open for attack, but he will cover her in the area where he feels strong which often is the area of providing money.

Of course, when a man ignores his weakness in this way it drives a wedge between himself, his wife, and children if he has kids. This is unhealthy and breaks up many would be healthy marriages. How can a man overcome these things?

Learn to lean. 
A man will have to have a safe place where he can let his guard down and put off the, “I’m impressing a woman man mask” to become strong as a man, and be covered himself. This is the blessing of men fellowshipping with other godly men. They can sharpen one another without judgment and feeling as though they have to impress someone. The reality is men will need to learn to lean.

They will have to lean into God through that intimate relationship with God, and they will have to learn to lean into their brothers and fathers in Christ. They will have to learn to lean into a willingness to be corrected, and a personal commitment not to stay in the same place, but to grow. This is what will help a man with his weaknesses not ignoring them. If a man ignores his weakness, it will only get worse, and he is the head so others are looking to him to lead. A leader has to always be willing to expand and grow so as not to cause those who follow him to become stuck and stagnant.

Leaning sometimes requires vulnerability. 
Men are expected to be strong. There is a greater expectation placed on men for knowledge, wisdom, and support and less of a grace margin for error. Because of the pressure and pride in some cases,  many men have learned to stay locked up not sharing pertinent information with others who can help them. This hard exterior that lets no one in will have to be broken. Pray that God leads you to those male friends whom you can trust. Seek out godly men such as The Man Cave Network. This is a network through Cornelius Lindsey where there are chapters all across the country to encourage men. Also, see if there are local churches with men ministries. Click get connected to sign up for a chapter.

As a man learns to be strong in his areas of weakness, his wife’s love and respect level will shoot through the roof if he does have a good woman. She will naturally become more attracted to him, and the relationship will be stronger. Men of God never underestimate the power you have as a man to build, cover, and protect your family. The truth is when you cover yourself by submitting to godly authority, you cover your family. Your family will always be a reflection of you because you are the head. You were built to shape and mold those around you into a reflection of you. Use that power wisely.

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Manhood Series Part I: Her Head not her God

Just like a woman of God compromises by going with a man who does not know his identity in Christ and she ends up having to put up with more than God intended because of it;  Men do the same thing with women who lack identity in Christ.

Many men find a physically attractive woman, and this solidifies them in the idea of trying to clean the woman up by introducing her to Christ, church, and submission.

These men, like many women, begin to disciple these women. In rare cases, it may work out, but in many cases, it will not. The woman may place the guy on a pedal stool because if he is genuinely saved, he is different than any other man she has been with.

Consequently, as soon as she gets close and sees the man is simply just a man, she may resort back to her common behavior for solving problems which may be carnal and divisive in nature; instead of likewise covering her man with respect, forgiveness, honor, mutual affection, and prayer.

The truth of the matter is when a man is looking for a wife, he should use wisdom and do like Jesus by only choosing to attempt to prune a woman who is already bringing forth fruit in her life.

He cuts off every branch in me that bears no fruit, while every branch that does bear fruit he prunes so that it will be even more fruitful. – John 15:2

When the husbandman (Jesus) sees us bringing forth fruit then he selects us to be pruned to bring forth more fruit. The ones who don’t bring forth any fruit the husbandman discards by burning in the fire. In other words, he pays it no mind as if it doesn’t exist. He refuses to waste time with it. He invests in that which shows it is worth the investment.

Why do men of God try to be the hero to someone who doesn’t want to be saved? Could it be that some men of God have an issue within themselves? Could it be that some men do not believe they are worth more?

I will be honest. When I tried to make it work with a guy who wasn’t on my level, it was partly because I did not believe I deserved more. The only men who had come to pursue me were men who weren’t on my level, and so I judged my worth falsely by how others saw me instead of how God saw me.

I only share that because of  Christian men and women go through the same things. We just don’t discuss it and because of that we suffer trying to figure these things out on our own. We don’t have to do that. We can love one another and cover one another while standing in God’s truth together.

The truth is God has his best for both men and women. We should expect an inheritance from God not because we’ve been good, done everything wrong or right, but simply because we are sons and daughters of God. Sons and daughters of the king always get the best because through the kingdom they have become the best. The best is what Jesus Christ, the King of Kings has done for us.

So, I encourage my brothers to know your worth and stand boldly in it as men of God not settling or expending yourself on women who do not know how to properly value you. You weren’t made to be drained in attempting to give a woman an identity that she can only get from God. You can be a light, but protect your heart and save it for a woman of God who will value you as her head and assist you in holding down the home together.

She will know how to hold her tongue at times and when to speak up because she has already been trained by the Holy Spirit and wise counsel. She will know how to build up her man and not tear him down. She will know how to apply wisdom to make the money last in the home because she already practices these things with God.

Don’t be in a rush, but allow God to make you into a solid man of God who loves Jesus and depends on him. This will prevent you from having to always be on–work for a woman’s approval impressing her with money, and vain things. She will love you for you and be willing to build with you instead of wear you out. This is what you could have if you allow yourself to be built enough by God to choose wisely.

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