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5 Questions about Mental Health Answered by Licensed Psycho Therapist

Mental health is one of those topics that is difficult for the common man to understand without proper training from an expert. Thankfully, in today’s society the topic of mental health is becoming more normalized and less stigmatized so that we can all live at our optimum health mentally. Here’s a brief interview asking 5 questions about Mental health answered to get us started learning about the topic with Psycho-Therapist Donzell Lampkins, MSW, LCSW.

How does mental illness normally occur? 

Several factors can contribute to a mental illness such as a person’s genetic makeup, temperament, environment, or social situation. Trauma, certain substances/medications, as well as medical conditions can contribute to a mental illness developing overtime. Other times, the cause is unknown, which can be difficult to accept.

questions about mental health

Can mental illness happen to anyone?

Absolutely! Mental illness doesn’t discriminate. In fact, according to NAMI, 1 in 5 U.S. adults experience mental illness each year. We all experience life so we are all susceptible to mental illness. However, we can decrease our risk by building our mental strength through developing healthy coping mechanisms, utilizing our support system, and practicing gratitude and a positive/growth mindset.

How can we help ourselves, friends, and family be healthy in this area?

The best thing we can do is acknowledge our emotions, be transparent, check on each other, seek help and encourage our loved ones to seek help.

questions about mental health

Is unforgiveness an open door to mental illness? 

I don’t know that there is direct causation, but there are correlations between unforgiveness, bitterness, and resentment with mental illness. It’s important to resolve our emotions regarding people or things that have harmed us. Forgiveness is choosing to let go of the negative emotions associated with the offense. Nonetheless, it’s not forgetting or pardoning a person for their actions. When we choose not to forgive, we’re consciously holding on to the negative emotions, which can cause a mental illness to develop due to the duration of symptoms. This results in a difficulty reducing symptoms and the negative impact on our ability to function in important areas of our life such as social relationships.

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Are there levels of mental illness?

Yes, there are. Clinically speaking. There are different types of mental illnesses with varying levels of severity ranging from mild to severe. Some mental illnesses are life long and require medication in conjunction with evidence-based therapy. Different therapeutic treatment modalities have been clinically proven to effectively treat various mental illnesses so it’s important to understand what your needs are from a therapist. 

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Just Mercy:

I went into watching Just Mercy expecting the setting of the film to be during the 1960s, but I was surprised to find out that the leading story of attorney Bryan Stevenson assisting an innocent man, Walter McMillan, in escaping death row played out in real life during the late 1980s and early 1990s. I searched my memory banks and could not remember hearing of his story at all.
Bryan Stevenson is the real-life author and attorney who dedicated his life toward freeing inmates wrongfully convicted on death row, and other serious issues related to ending mass incarceration and working toward stopping the placement of children as young as 13 and 14 in the adult population and on death row.

Just Mercy shows a young Bryan, played by Michael B. Jordan, who has graduated from Harvard and dedicated his life to serving the poor and incarcerated, at no cost through his Equal Justice Imitative. The film follows three men who are in cells near each other. Each with a sentence to die on death row.

For every nine people executed on death-row; there is at least one person found exonerated.   Bryan has some very strong convictions regarding justice and mercy.  He shares that the opposite of poverty is justice and the opposite of hopelessness is justice. He reminds me of Dr. King with statements such as:

“All men possess a right to dignity no matter what they have done.”
“A thief is not just a thief, a liar, not just a liar, or a murderer, just a murderer.”

He takes the idea of justice seriously not just fighting for Blacks to be free, but all men. He, however, recognizes the clear and unjust treatment of many African Americans as depicted in the film. The evidence against Mr. Walter was clearly fabricated. You will have to watch the film to see the blatant injustice and the stirring call to justice that Bryan’s character, Michael portrays. The film ends with Michael giving a brief speech sharing how everyone needs justice, grace, and mercy.

Jamie Foxx, in an interview, shared wise words that his grandmother told him in an interview about the film. His grandmother’s lesson was that a Black man can never make the same mistake as a White man. He was taught this at a young age to avoid having the idea that if he did make a mistake, he’d receive the same sentence as a White man.

The history of criminal justice in this country clearly shows that there is a problem and that Jamie’s grandmother was correct. Hopefully, this film can tug the heartstrings of those in power to make changes that will treat all people with justice and dignity as Stevenson calls for.

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Possessing the Promises of God in Humility

I’m going into the new year like #humility. Yes, humility is something that prepares us for more. Read my book, “The Wholeness Action Plan” where I discuss how humbling circumstances prepare us for more. The Bible says the below about humility:

Before destruction, the heart of a man is haughty, And before honor is humility. – Proverbs 18:12

Life, itself, will cause us to walk in humility, but please know that God doesn’t waste any of the things we’ve gone through that has caused greater humility in our lives. God uses it to promote us and give us more. I have to remind myself of this and I was reminded in my quiet time reading and meditating on God’s word.

Caleb, in Joshua 14, recalls the story of himself being a bold young man of the age of 40 with convictions that the Lord would be faithful to his promise of giving Israel the land of Canaan and all the land He’d promised. Because of Caleb’s conviction, he was outnumbered in his belief. He did not judge his belief based on how things appeared but on God’s character.
Caleb had to live with this conviction 45 more years before he had seen it come to pass. Can you imagine being in the minority of believing God in spite of what things look like and for four and a half decades appearing like a fool before others who did not see God’s promise come to pass?

Finally, at the correct time, after the previous generation had died off, as God prophesied in Deuteronomy 1:35-36 saying

“No one from this evil generation shall see the good land I swore to give your ancestors, except Caleb son of Jephunneh. He will see it, and I will give him and his descendants the land he set his feet on because he followed the Lord wholeheartedly. – Deuteronomy 1:35-36

Not even Moses was allowed to enter into the promised land. Caleb and Joshua both had ample opportunity to give up on believing God through 45 years of not yet seeing the promise, losing relatives and mentors, and believing God without physical proof of his promise. However, Caleb and Joshua continued to believe. Caleb has been spoken of on more than one occasion of following God wholeheartedly. Trusting God throughout all of those years and experiencing various losses only humbled Caleb more causing him to realize even more that his one true hope would and could not be anything but the Lord.

Because of his trust in God; it was as if Caleb had lost no time. He shared that his strength at age 85 was just as it was at the age of 40 years old when his faith was first shown in such a public way. God promises in his Word to renew our youth like eagles by satisfying our desires with good things.

Who satisfies your desires with good things so that your youth is renewed like the eagle. – Psalms 103:5

Don’t forget that it’s God’s will to work in us both to will and do of his good pleasure. That includes causing us to desire what He desires for us and trusting him to fulfill it. So, at 85 years old, Caleb was blessed by Joshua and given the land of Hebron, which was formerly called Kadesh-Barnea. The story closes out again sharing how Caleb inherited the land along with his descendants every since because he followed the Lord wholeheartedly. It takes humility to follow the Lord wholeheartedly especially in a culture with those who do not believe and mock at others for their belief. Through it all, Caleb was full of the goodness of God not concerning himself with unbelief. His decision not only caused him to have an inheritance, but his whole family line—through his act of faith, belief, humility, and obedience to following the Lord. What have you been believing God for with strong conviction to bless not only yourself but your whole family line? Are you willing to humble yourself in staying in faith no matter what things look like?

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Faith or Denial

Can I be real about some of the things that tempt us to turn away from the living God? There is this battle of questioning that we can sometimes experience after a loss. We may ask ourselves have we been walking in faith or denial?

Namely, this applies to when we are believing God for something in faith that does not happen. What do we do and what do we believe when we’ve believed God for something that it’s become clear to us just isn’t going to happen? Should we turn away from God and believe His Word isn’t true? Should we question whether God loves us because maybe He’s done what we were believing for someone else, but not us?

These are normal questions that come up in the human experience of life. In this life, we face serious and very real difficulties where we lose something. Yes, I said it, and it’s okay to realize that we’ve lost something whether a loved one, loss of use of our fully functioning due to illness, or other things, but life and faith isn’t over at our point of loss.

In the over-spiritualized name it and claim it culture, we sometimes live in denial of what’s really going on. Yes, I believe in living in faith, but I also believe in walking in humility in the circumstance that I am in.

The reality is God wants us to walk in faith, but sometimes we have to walk in a lower place of humility on our way to seeing what faith will produce in our lives. Faith, biblically defined, is the substance of what we hope for and the evidence of things unseen.

In other words, we can have hope, and believe God for a thing, but there is still an element of the unknown to our faith. We aren’t guaranteed that a thing will happen unless God specifically spoke on it. The unseen is just that unseen. We don’t know. There is a humility that is produced within us that comes from the unknown and the crushing of things not happening as we expected.

What we do know is that we are to live our lives trusting in God, depending and relying on God. In this trust, dependence and relying on God, what’s unseen will be manifested. It could be healing, stewardship over something greater than we imagined, or a disappointment. Things may go in a totally different direction than what we were believing for. It’s okay to admit and say that we don’t know, are disheveled, or confused when we are.

God forbid, those who once were believers would begin to turn their hearts against the Lord in hardness of heart because they named and claimed something where God said no. God’s promises are yes and amen. These are things he has promised personally. He promised Joseph personally that he would be in a position of authority over his brothers and He bought it to pass. Things God has not promised specifically to us; He can say no on―whether we name and claim it or not.

God watches over what He’s promised to perform it. That’s his Word. Anything else is unseen and unknown. I myself walked in denial believing God until the end to heal my father when God had already revealed that he would not live any further. Of course, I continued to believe in case the Lord changed his mind as he did with Hezekiah. God’s word stood however and I had to submit to it.

When God says no. We have to submit to it in humility continuing to believe in the Lord. We have to believe that all things work together for our good and that something good will come out of it. I recently heard an awesome message taught by Michael Todd on fading faith for those who’ve experienced loss while trying to believe. He shared how those people needed a personal tangible touch from God. That has been a personal prayer I’d shared with the Lord after my real loss.

I can say that I’ve experienced the Lord walking with me and reassuring me of his presence during this time in such a real way. I believe that it’s helped me not to walk in denial of how I feel, or what I’ve experienced that allows me to continue to walk in faith.

Don’t allow anyone to make you feel ashamed, unspiritual, or lacking in faith for being real about the genuine loss you’ve experienced. God cares about your loss and how you feel. Most importantly, God cares about how we see him because this determines if we’ll be able to believe in him. God isn’t afraid of your honesty as you express the real emotions of your loss. If you feel frustrated, let down, or confused, let God know. Reach out to him so you too can continue to walk in faith over denying him.

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Freedom from the Prison of Regret

Regret is to feel sad, repentant, or disappointed over something that has happened or been done, especially a loss or missed opportunity (Google Dictionary). Dealing with regret successfully will require the application of the main points provided in my book, “The Wholeness Action Plan.”

The Wholeness Action Plan was written as a book to share how to get through hard circumstances in life that may have occurred either within or outside of our control. Some of the main points covered in the book that can assist with overcoming regret are below:

Make a choice
With regret, we have to also make a choice. We have to choose not to punish ourselves for what has already been done. Our constant replaying of an incident that led to regret or grief will only continue to make us feel sad about what has happened and what we did not do that we wish we could have done. We cannot go back into the past and change the past, but we do have the hope of changing and impacting our future. Placing ourselves in a prison of blame and bondage only makes us forget that we have a future. God has not condemned us for being human. We have to make a choice not to condemn ourselves.
Regret is another form of worrying that leads to condemnation. God is clear in his Word that His intentions are not to condemn the world, but that the world through Him would have life and that more abundantly (John 3:17, John 10:10). There is still a hopeful future for you despite the regret. Choose to use regret to learn from it. Apply what you’ve learned to your healthy and bright future. The worry of regret will not change things.

Who of you by worrying can add a single hour to your life? – Luke 12:25 (NIV)
For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the LORD, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future. – Jeremiah 29:11

Choose to forgive
We are supposed to love others as we love ourselves, right? Well, if this is true, and we’re required to forgive others; we have to also forgive ourselves. Maybe we regret that we did not do something that we should have done or maybe we did not have information in a moment of crisis that we have now. Or perhaps, we were too weak or full of anxiety to act in a crisis and we shut down. Whatever the regret is we have to choose to forgive ourselves for it. We also need to bring the area of weakness to God so He can give us strength in that area to do better next time. Life is full of challenges, situations, and experiences where we will make mistakes and we will not perform our best. Some situations we will simply just not know what to do until we get there and that’s okay. Give yourself a break. Let yourself breathe. Commit to forgiving yourself anytime the thought of regret comes up. Remind yourself that you’ve forgiven yourself and you are only moving forward from this point. File the experience as a lesson learned for the next time you face a similar challenge.

Take Responsibility
Finally, taking responsibility is the humility within us to admit we were wrong, we fell short, or maybe we dropped the ball. Again, it’s okay, because we are human, but apply what was learned from this experience to the next opportunity.
You are worth it. You are loved, and worthy of living your life in more than regret. Be free from the prison of regret to move forward and live.

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How God uses the Legacy of Our Ancestors to Draw Us Near to Him:

What is your legacy or family story? How has God used it to draw you closer to him? Sometimes the best preachers aren’t preachers at all, but they are relatives who live their lives in realness trusting in the Lord. The Bible speaks about how we are living epistles read of men. I have a blessed legacy to follow. My dad was a real father. He did not attend church regularly, but he believed in the Lord. He listened to church on the radio mostly and watched it on television, and the Lord was with him.

I was reminded of this during my current Bible reading in the book of Joshua. Joshua had lost his close mentor, Moses. He was in a position where he now had to move forward with God and the purpose at hand while still processing his grief.

God spoke to him in the middle of grief saying, “Moses, my servant is dead. Therefore, the time has come for you to lead these people, the Israelites, across the Jordan River into the land I am giving them. The purpose and the plan God had for his people did not stop. It feels that way sometimes when we lose a loved one. We just want to stop, but God’s voice instructs Joshua to keep going and in doing so, to lead the people to also keep going.

Not only does God encourage Joshua to keep going, but he ministers to him as he leads him. I thought it was interesting how reminiscent God’s dealing with Joshua was of his dealing with Moses—almost like a memorial from God saying I know it hurts, but I will be with you as I was with your mentor Moses. He reminds Joshua of this not only by his words but by having him to cross over a river, Jordan. Similar to how Moses crossed over the Red Sea with the Israelites. The comfort that must have been to Joshua and Israel. It was like going down memory lane with God as if God was saying, I got you like I had Moses.

Again, God does the same when He appeared to Joshua as the Lord of hosts of the army of heaven. Like, He did with Moses, He asked Joshua to take off his shoes because he was on holy ground. Moses was told the same thing when God appeared to him through a burning bush.

Now when Joshua was near Jericho, he looked up and saw a man standing in front of him with a drawn sword in his hand. Joshua went up to him and asked, “Are you for us or our enemies?”
“Neither,” he replied, “but as commander of the army of the Lord I have now come.” Then Joshua fell facedown to the ground in reverence, and asked him, “What message does my Lord[a] have for his servant?” The commander of the Lord’s army replied, “Take off your sandals, for the place where you are standing is holy.” And Joshua did so. – Joshua 5:13-15

All of this was God saying, I am here with you for the rest of the journey. Just because Moses is gone doesn’t mean I left you; neither does it mean, I no longer have a purpose for you. God was with Joshua. Not only was God with Joshua, but God was exalting Joshua before the people. To exalt means to raise up. Joshua was being raised above his grief. He was being raised up as one chosen by God still in the middle of grief. He was being raised up as a sign that God had not forsaken Israel. It is refreshing to me how God so carefully did this with Joshua through the reminders of how he’d dealt with his mentor Moses.

God uses our ancestors to ingrain His way into our hearts and minds. Even so, God commanded Joshua to choose 12 men, representing the twelve tribes of Israel, to grab a stone from the Jordan river and make a memorial where they decided to stay that night. Afterward, the new generation of men was commanded to be circumcised—another sign God had given their ancestor Abraham regarding the covenant of promise to make him a great nation. Although, these great men had passed; their legacy was still living strong in the earth through their descendants because of the work of the Lord. God does the very same thing today. What can you remember about your ancestors that remind you to remember the Lord and his faithfulness to you and your generation?

God uses our ancestors to draw us near to us. He tells the story of the gospel with every life submitted to him again and again. He reminds us that even though our loved ones are no longer with us—He is with us, and our loved ones’ lives continue to serve a purpose as they rest with him. This has been something I’ve recently taken comfort in. I believe it was one of Tony Evan’s daughters who shared in so many words that leaving a legacy is not always about money, but about what that life still speaks even though its currently gone.

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Moving from Grief, Loss, and Trauma to Triumph:

By Dr. Sarah Williams, LPC, NCC

You Look Pretty
I opened my eyes and realized that it was 6 a.m. I had allowed myself a few hours of sleep between 3 a.m. and 6 p.m. and yes, I felt guilty for closing my eyes even briefly. My role as wife to the man I married and loved for years now needed me to be his caregiver. I look outside and see what appears to be normalcy for everyone else, but in my house, although there are children here it is complete silence. It was like an evil daily vigil. I don’t wake them, instead, I walk to the doorway of the room where my husband slept. I would wait at the door and watch for the rise and fall of his chest. Is there a breath? Will he open his eyes today? Or will I have to face his death? I had to endure the impending reality that I am watching him pass away―slowly―daily.

Most days I sit next to him and watch him, mixtures of love, fear, grief, and anger all at once. The lively active man that was Active Duty Navy, and a leader in government; these two careers took him away from us constantly. He was finally home. However, this time he could not enjoy us nor pour into us. The Cancer was winning the battle and I hated the whole thought of it. How could it be? I eventually got to a point that I was finished with asking why, but resolved to wonder when? I wondered, when was he going to finally leave us for good?

Our life was filled with goodbyes, some sweet and some bitter. I resented his commitment to everything else, only to realize he was gone so much so that he could provide the life that gave me the ability to stay at home if I chose. All of the perks were at my disposal to enjoy because of his commitment to his careers. Now I was angry at me too for not realizing that his love was one of providing and not of presence. In November of 2015, he took his final journey with a bittersweet farewell.

His last words to me were, “you look pretty”. The truth was, I did look pretty. My husband needed to see me look as normal as possible. On that last day, I put on a good front with nice clothes, hair, perfume, and red lipstick. I faked my way through it, but inside my soul was so broken. It was a big charade. There was nothing pretty about what I felt, the hole in my heart, and the anguish of the sound of my children screaming in my head. It is a sound that will haunt me for the rest of my life. I looked pretty to help him transition, he needed to see me as an assurance that I will be okay. I was anything but okay.

Plastic Smiling 
Living through the trauma associated with grief is a unique experience for each person. By definition, trauma is essentially an emotional response to a distressing event. Grief is correlated with trauma. I experienced what is known as Complicated Grief, meaning the loss is debilitating and distressful even after several months or years. There is a process of grief, or what is known as The Stages of Grief. The anticipated stages of grief are: 1. Isolation/Denial, 2. Anger, 3. Bargaining, 4. Depression, and 5. Acceptance. However, my process was a complex mixture of sadness, anger, raging, depression, and “plastic smiling” my way through the process. Sadly, I watched my adolescent twins go through the same jigsaw-maze of emotions. Mad, sad, acting out, and fighting with each other, while getting good grades and faking happy with their friends.

From Trauma to Triumph
All species grieve, and all can heal as well. My journey is a continuous one. However, I find peace and healing by working with others in processing their pain. I meet weekly with individuals, groups, and families that all need help. Through my work as a public speaker and licensed psychotherapist with a specialty in grief, stress, and trauma: my pain has a purpose. Yes, I am a widow, but not in an ordinary sense. My current status is that of a survivor of loss, trauma, and grief. While I navigate the new journey, I devote myself to aiding others as a licensed psychotherapist, creator and host of “Dr. Sarah After Dark” which is a mental health awareness TV show, and Covenant Way Clinical Counseling, a private counseling practice in Virginia. I Speak to large groups, facilitate workshops, and consult on the topic of grief. My advice to others is to first and foremost, locate a trusted therapist to guide you in the healing process. A second step is to allow yourself time and patience. Nurture yourself, and don’t rush the process. Lastly, finding your passion and source of joy in whatever form that works for you. Each day of the journey brings the needed change to move along from pain, trauma, grief, and loss to triumph.

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What it Means to Lament:

To Lament means to mourn or grieve something that has been lost. In the Bible, the book of Lamentations was written because of the deportation and exile of the Jews from their land. The Jews had been taken as captives in Babylon. They longed for the old days.

In our lives, we mourn or grieve loss when we lose someone we love, or maybe even when we become sick and lose a sense of freedom and independence. We have to depend on others and ask for help. We may be the type who are ashamed or afraid of asking for help because we don’t want to be seen as a burden. These are things that our elders deal with as they develop into old age.
The Word of God cautions us to remember God in the days of our youth. This getting to know God in our youth, I believe helps with lamenting as we approach old age because it gives us a firm foundation to draw on as we lament.

To lament is to bring our complaints, grief, and confusing despondency to the Lord. Lamenting is a form of bringing the things that we grapple with to God—those things that we cannot control―those losses that cannot be recovered.

Examples of lamenting found in scripture are below:

“Why is light given to those in misery,
     and life to the bitter of soul,
 to those who long for death that does not come,
     who search for it more than for hidden treasure, – Job 3:20-21
My God, my God, why have you forsaken me?
     Why are you so far from saving me,
     so far from my cries of anguish? – Psalms 22:1

The above shows Job being vulnerable about his pain to God even to the point of sharing that he longed for death more than life. Lamenting is a form of being acquainted with our pain in a vulnerable way. This vulnerability is shown before someone of whom we feel has the power and authority to help us. Jesus, himself, uttered the words above mentioned in Psalms 22 while on the cross dying for us. King David prophesied about Jesus’ experience 100s of years before it happened. The point is there is nothing wrong with lamenting. It’s a healthy way to deal with forms of grief and excessive pain. Even Jesus modeled this.

Trust
Lamenting is a type of expression of prayer toward the one who we trust. That is God. The children of Israel lamented to God after losing their promised land. They had to live years without dwelling in their promised land, but at the appointed time, they were restored to their land. Somewhere in our memory as human beings; our minds go back to the idea of God’s promises and his ways working for us. We go to him in the utter nakedness of how we feel regarding our loss and we trust him to handle it. I learned that at the heart of lamenting; there lies a trust in God. Many will look at those who are lamenting as though they are complainers or doing something wrong, but this is something built into us as humans and it’s okay. 

God’s Character
Finally, at the heart of lamenting, there is the idea that God is good and that God is just. We don’t lament because we don’t believe God is good, but because we do believe God is good. I’ll be honest, some lamenting sounds like complaining and thus we can be judgmental of those who lament around us.

We can judge people who are in a state of lamenting as not trusting God, or not being people who are of depth in God, but the reality is people who are lamenting the loss of their loved ones, independence, freedom, etc. aren’t doing so because they aren’t strong believers in God’s goodness, but they are thoroughly convinced that the character of God is good, and that is why they don’t understand why God allows things that aren’t so good to occur in our lives. These are honest questions and God can handle them because his character is good. The thing is we may not understand why everything happens the way that it happens and that’s okay. Somethings we will not understand until later when God chooses to reveal it.

In the meantime, go ahead on through your process of grief including lamenting your most vulnerable expressions of pain to God knowing that He is good, and He is trustworthy and He is the lifter of the hung down head.

It’s okay to lament.

But you, LORD, are a shield around me, my glory, the One who lifts my head high. – Psalms 3:3

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Enduring the Single Mother Struggle (Book Review)

I met Damika Davis at a speaking engagement. We both were speaking to students about their future. Damika is an author who started a foundation that helps single mothers pursue their own businesses. Her book, “Enduring the Single Mother Struggle” empowers single moms to stand firm in their identity, purpose, and right to an awesome future. Some of the nuggets she shares with single moms are below:

Danika acknowledged the temptation to quit
Danika discussed the challenge of facing each day as a single mom and sometimes wanting to just quit. However, quitting isn’t a choice when there are children dependent on their mom. This struggle causes moms to be tempted with looking for ways to get out of single motherhood such as relocating or seeking a new relationship. She shares that single mothers will have to shift their focus from how hard it is. Instead, she shared that the focus of a single mother should be on God and being responsible for taking care of her children. That includes working until God opens up other options.

She quickly moves the reader toward hope
The deed has been done. However, the single mother has become single rather through divorce, out of wedlock pregnancy, or losing a partner to death. The mother will have to embrace who she is as she moves forward in hope toward her future. “Shine like the stars in the universe and use what you have,” says Danika. She again, stresses the importance of the reader knowing who she is by saying, “When we know who we are; our children will not find it hard to discover who they are.”

A strong condemnation for punishing your child for the regret of being with their father
She says women should resist being the bitter woman who keeps the children away from the father in an attempt to punish and control the situation.

The Importance of a Support System as well as Self-care
Do you know who your support system is? If you do not, you need to establish one, Danika shares. These people should be trust-worthy people who will tell you the truth and hold you accountable. They can be friends, family, church members etc.
“Strive for a balance of time with your children, time for exercise to stay healthy, time for rest, and time to build a relationship with somebody other than your children.” All of these things contribute to self-care and a more balanced single mom who often gives of herself in overwhelming ways.

There is still hope for Genuine Love
Probably one of my favorite parts is when she encouraged single moms not to settle because they had kids. She reminded single mothers that they are still worthy of God’s best also. She shares how if a man loves you he will love you with all you come with including your children. She shares great tips on dating and observing the character of a man.

The women who read this book are encouraged to continue to grow and to continue to live. Danika makes it crystal clear that life is not over because one has become a single-mother, but life is just beginning in a new way. She encourages new mothers to be up for the challenge. She even includes words of wisdom and advice from other single mothers in the back of the book. There are self-reflection questions to help assess where one is at in her single mother journey.

Danika has lived through being a single mother and is now engaged to be married. She is an example that single-motherhood can be done well as we’ve seen on many occasions. To be a part of a support group for single parents visit: https://www.singleandparenting.org/startagroup/howitworks

To purchase Dannika’s book visit: https://www.amazon.com/Enduring-Single-Mother-Struggle-Damika/dp/0985590017

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Why It’s Important to Celebrate Imperfect Fathers:

It seems that the culture places men on a pedal stool to a degree when it comes to fatherhood. Men are expected to be perfect or they are only considered effective if they’re more on the perfect side. Case and point, recently with the TI conversation about his daughter’s pap-smear appointments. Many were ready to throw TI under the bus because he has a level of fear that he’s been operating in by seeking to control his daughter and his daughter’s sexuality. Yes, I agree that it is a bit overboard, but at least TI is there.

At least, he did not leave. At least, he realizes a need for his daughter to be protected even though that isn’t the best way to go about. At least, he is trying. I’ve never experienced anything like what TI and his daughter are going through, but I did grow up with a controlling father who did things out of fear, and he was a good dad. I turned out amazing not because he was perfect, but because he was there.
Too often in culture, we act as if kids can only turn out well if they’ve grown up in a home similar to Joel Osteen or others that we assume had perfect childhoods, but God can use the imperfections of our fathers to demonstrate his grace, power of redemption and sustainability, and his great love.

I am so extremely thankful for the fact that the Lord allowed me to grow up with my father and all of his imperfections as well as strong suits. When we look at our parents through the eyes of honor being thankful for the fact that they are there, they’ve stepped up to the challenge, and they are willing to learn and grow to some degree; we without realizing it encourage them to be better.

The opposite is beating them down about their imperfections and throwing them away because they do not meet our pedal stool expectations. The reality is none of us can be a pedal stool. We all need the grace to be ourselves as we grow. If TI is at a point of control to attempt to protect his daughter right now; then that’s where he is at. He should not be condemned for not fathering in a way that we expect him to. He is only human and has to grow and develop himself.

When God deals with us, he doesn’t throw us away until we get over our weaknesses. He used Joshua when Joshua was afraid. How did God do that? He encouraged Joshua to be strong and to have good courage despite the frightful circumstance of having to lead the children of Israel to the land of Canaan. Joshua took on the opportunity. He stepped up to the challenge. He may have made some mistakes along the way, but he ultimately did it. He did it through Christ.

This is how we all overcome through leaning on Christ and not ourselves, nor our record of perfectionism and self-righteousness. Finally, when we only focus on the bad of a person and the fact they did not meet our standard for them; we can make them feel like a failure in our eyes and that may make a person want to distance themselves from us. I know I would not want to be around someone who only pointed out my weaknesses.

Something my dad shared with me a few years before he passed was that he could always see the respect that I had for him. That meant a lot to me because I’d always tried to carry myself in that way. It’s important to make sure we are appreciating and honoring our fathers right where they are and this will encourage them to do better.

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