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Who is Missing Out Because You Refuse to Be Your Authentic Self?

So much is involved with deciding to be ourselves. There is fear, the opinions of others, the possibility to be seen as an outsider among one’s own kind, and mental and emotional exhaustion if we are addicted to the acceptance of others. These are just a few reasons why many decide to blend in with the status quo of what’s expected of them.

A clear example can be culture—religious church culture in particular. Various teachings have been passed down in church culture that has become expectations of being accepted as a genuine and mature Christian and these teachings have nothing to do with being in the faith or not. They’ve been passed down as spiritual law and authority when they are the opinions and interpretations of men.

Those who operate outside of the agreed thought are seen as outsiders and rebellious. Pride of the old teachings and ways overrides the leading of the Holy Spirit and the proper interpretation of the Word of God. Those who hold firmly to the old teachings pridefully force their ideas on others while disowning those who refuse to conform.

There is nothing new under the sun. This type of pressure has always existed. It exists as a tool of Satan to prevent some from walking authentically in how Christ called them to walk, but rather choosing the fear of man instead.  The fear of man is when we choose to respect what man says over what God has already said. The fear of man is being afraid to operate outside of the group, the majority, or those who rule by attempting to control the thoughts of others by pressuring one to conform to his/her ideas.

Jesus Christ, the Chief, experienced this very same pressure again and again throughout the new testament. It got so bad that the religious leaders called him a blasphemer while seeking to murder him on more than one occasion. However, Jesus was too bold in his identity to conform to this pressure. He simply knew who he was. He also knew that there were too many others whose lives were attached to his obedience to being himself and operating in his true identity as the Son of God and God in the flesh.

Had Jesus conformed to the religious elite of his day who mentally abused him with their accusations; none of us would be saved today. We would all be lost and Jesus would have lived a comfortable life. I’m convinced that Jesus would not have been able to live with himself knowing who he was and denying that to make the religious elite comfortable. Instead, Christ embraced who he was. He embraced who he was to the point of correcting all who were open to hearing the truth.

His life was our example to continue forward in the personal revelation of who Christ reveals to us we are and what he reveals to us to do. We are to continue being our authentic selves in Christ in the face of those who misunderstand us, who speak evil of us—demoting us from who we are to something lower like with Jesus. Jesus was demoted to be a blasphemer in the eyes of some of the well-accepted religious elite of his day.

It’s okay if everyone does not see us properly as long as we see ourselves properly. We can only do this by staying connected to God and his Word. God will send others willing to walk with us and believe in us as well. Jesus had those who walked with him closely and believed in him. It wasn’t until later that the acceptance of Jesus would be so well accepted worldwide. I’m sure in Jesus’ day many wondered if they should believe the religious elite’s opinion of Jesus or Jesus himself. Now, thousands of years later our very lives hang on the life of Jesus and the revelations about him he was able to share. His obedience to being himself has saved many. What are others missing out on that we are supposed to contribute due to the fear of man? What could others be missing out on that we are supposed to provide to them by being our authentic selves?

Want to gain the confidence to be your authentic self? Subscribe to my email for updates on my identity class coming soon. You’ll also receive a free gift: https://tinyurl.com/potentialspousehandout

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The Sin of Unbelief

The sin of unbelief is something that will keep us in cycles of sin simply because we don’t believe God is good. We don’t believe in the gospel fully and we don’t believe we are enough to receive God’s goodness. I was reminded of this when viewing a film this past week about Hosea. The film is called, “Sinners Wanted.” The blessing of the Lord could be right before our eyes and we will not see it due to unbelief.  This is what the woman in the film depicted and this is why it is so important that we guard what we allow ourselves to meditate on and we become intentional about building our faith.

But you, beloved, building yourselves up in your most holy (holy, consecrated) faith and praying in the Holy Spirit. – Jude 1:20

We all will have circumstances that test our faith. Years ago, I remember feeling like a bad example and failure while speaking to kids in public schools about healthy relationships and abstinence. The kids would always ask me if I was in a relationship and I’d say no. This one day when I was asked the question, I began to feel the above emotions of guilt and failure. I took a bathroom break in between classes and God spoke to me clearly asking me this question, “Where is your faith?”

Unbelief causes us to become stuck on how things appear, but because God loves us, he gives us his perspective which builds our faith. I share in my first book, “The Single Christian Woman’s Guide” how God bought resolve to the encroaching unbelief that attempted to ensue me through furthering the discussion through his word. In short, God let me know that things would not always be as I’d seen them at that time. There was another side of this singleness journey I had to get to. God has been walking with me and his word has helped to build my faith along the way.

You see our faith-walk is a journey. No one has it all together, but building our faith through God’s word helps us to walk safe, secure, and sound.

Religious people are some of the hardest people to get to believe the gospel because of being blinded by their religious piety. For example, when I was in college, I interviewed a Jehovah’s witness, Jewish priest, Muslim minister, and Christian for a brief documentary presented as a project in college.

The Jew shared how her Jewish place of worship stood on the belief that Jesus was not as honorable as Moses. They did not look at Jesus as the Son of God or savior of the world, but as a good Jew, but not as good as Moses. This was dishonoring to the Biblical fact that Moses along with other figures and scriptures in the old testament only exist to point to Jesus Christ because Jesus Christ is the only way for man to be saved.

Jesus had to go into Egypt to be preserved and grow up into the God-man who delivered his people—all who place their trust in him. Moses likewise had to go into Egypt as a baby to be preserved from the Pharaoh who sought all of the lives of the male children 2 and under. Moses, in the process, learned the Egyptian ways and gained the favor that allowed him to intercede on behalf of the Hebrews—his blood brethren. In this way along with other similarities, Moses was what some Bible scholars call a type of Christ, which is an image-bearer that points directly to Christ.

Even though Christ stood right in front of the religious leaders, they did not recognize him as Christ but instead despised him. Meanwhile, those who were first to worship Christ were called Magi, which are non-religious wise men of the world.

In summary, it skews our perception to operate out of unbelief. Operating out of skewed perceptions is dangerous and leads to sin. It causes us to deny the blessing of the Lord while operating out of a lower than mindset. We have to be diligent with building ourselves up with God’s word to avoid the sin of unbelief.

Unbelief will cause us to give up on trusting in God for our deliverance, freedom, and the right as those made in his image too, like Moses, point others to him. Unbelief will cause us to return to what is familiar rather than stepping out in the unknown of faith.

The earlier mentioned film is a depiction of Gomer and Hosea—a prostitute and man of God who got married in the old testament at God’s command. God commanded this to be a metaphor for Christ and the church. No matter where we are at in our faith-walk, God is still committed to us. He still holds up his end of the marriage when we do not, and this in and of itself should compel us to seek to walk in faith in Christ.

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You Don’t Have to Be Clergy to Be in Ministry:

There are those of us who have heavy callings on our lives from God but face challenges of sometimes feeling unworthy to complete those callings for the following reasons. We haven’t been ordained as ministers in the church. We have not been accepted by the in-crowd of the church elite. We are not popular. However, none of these are qualifications in the eyes of God to be used by God in ministry. These are the traditions and expectations of man.

All traditions and expectations of men aren’t bad; they are simply what they are. God is not confined to work within the structures of what man expects. God is the one who calls men. He is the one who promotes one and sets another down (Ps 75:7.) With this understanding, we ought not to avoid walking out our full calling for fear of not being accepted in the right circles by man. Our acceptance, worth, value, and confidence to be obedient to God should come from God, not man.

Please, understand that I am not promoting rebellion or heresy. There are various structures of authority God has ordained and will work within, but God is unconventional. He doesn’t need man’s permission. Perhaps God may have provided some with a gift of teaching to work outside of the church as life-coaches, who honor God and draw others to God. While others may be called to act and use their acting platforms to share the gospel. Do not despise your spiritual call of God because you do not traditionally communicate your call.

In the Bible, God used several ministers of His who weren’t clergy, but it was clear they loved God. Esther was called to be a queen of a non-Jewish nation. She was groomed from childhood and placed into a position where she was used by God to minister to and intercede for others.
David was called to be a king. A true non-traditional call of God. This call carried great weight as King David points to the lineage of Christ. He was a godly man used to keep a nation’s heart turned toward the Lord.

Jesus Christ, himself. He is the Son of God, but he was despised by the religious structure. He was a simple carpenter, who traveled sharing the message of the kingdom of God. The Bible never shows Jesus ordained in a church. If anything, he fit in with practicing the Jewish customs but stood out by his unique interpretations of the law. However, Jesus not only spoke with the authority of his Father in heaven, but he being God in the flesh spoke upon the authority of himself. The key to walking out non-traditional callings by God is to remain humble under the one who gives us authority Jesus Christ.

Another key is to remain committed to God and to hear and follow his leading. God will give us men and women along the way who remind us of who we are and what we are called to do. The confidence that comes from God should allow us to block out any ideas that would make us feel unworthy to be used of God because we aren’t clergy. I honor all clergy and am thankful for their sacrifice. However, this isn’t the only way God calls us to minister. We are all ambassadors for Christ―Whether we are a carpenter, like Jesus, a political official, like Esther, or David.

We need to be faithful and give God 100 as He is the one we are living to honor. He deserves to get out of us what he has invested in us—similar to the parable of the man who hid his talents instead of investing it and getting a return. God expects a return on his investment of purpose and giftings in all of us—not just clergy.

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3 Lessons We Can Learn From the Life of Chadwick Boseman

I’ve always loved Chadwick as an actor, but I will be honest. I did not know how awesome he was as a whole person until after he passed away. I began watching several videos of him online and each one ministered something awesome to my spirit. I share below 3 lessons I’ve noted from him that are like a confirmation to me as a woman of God on my journey of life:

Be willing to take a loss for your convictions trusting that God has something better:
Chadwick told an amazing story of his first television job on a soap opera. He was to play a young Black male with no historical background, who lived out a life of victim-hood making poor choices. He felt the role was stereotypical of African American males. He discussed this with his bosses on that show, who ultimately made the choice to fire him. Chadwick took a loss.

That job agreed to pay him the most money he’d ever seen in his life. After being fired, he was thrust back into the world of auditioning, being broke, scraping up change to get to auditions. He was told by his agent he would not get a job in some time because he was seen as difficult. He could only question if he made the right decision. Of course, he did. How many of us have taken a loss for holding strong to our convictions and values?

Continue to follow your convictions given by God; it will set you up for the very best that God has for you. God ordained Chadwick to play some of the very best roles that showed our people in such an honorable light. This was a part of his purpose to give African-Americans and all people hope and he did that well.

Obey God Quickly; You Never Know What Impact It May Have:
On an interview I listened to of Chadwick, he shared that he was on tour outside of the U.S.―finishing up promotions for the Get On Up film when he heard God speak to him in his spirit. God said, “Get international calling on your phone.” Immediately, Chadwick did so. Not long after that, he received a call where he was asked to play the role of Black Panther in the new Avengers film.

Had he not obeyed God, he could have missed out on the opportunity. God has a way of leading and guiding us. The Bible says that the steps of a good man are ordered by the Lord. Many times, we limit God speaking to us to only spiritual things, but God is involved in every area of our lives.

No Dream is too Big for your Faith
I’ve been reading in the book of Matthew where Jesus has been healing people according to their faith. In life, we experience things that kind of shock our faith. Mainly disappointment. Perhaps we prayed for someone to be healed and they died or we did not get an opportunity we were believing for. Perhaps God had something bigger in mind. Perhaps our loved one who died needed to experience being in heaven with God. Perhaps the opportunity we wanted was too small for us. Chadwick wrote in his journal years ago before making it big as an actor that he’d like to play the Black Panther in a film. Perhaps that dream was from God because it happened. It’s easy to dismiss a dream in disappointment when we feel it is too big, but all we need is a small grain of mustard seed faith. Hold on to whatever smidget of faith you have—no matter how foolish it may look. Perhaps the Lord wants to use you as an example to bring it to pass.

Thank you, Chadwick! We will continue to love and miss you.

See a few videos below where some of the above are mentioned:

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Don’t Be a Silly Woman:

There are some pitfalls for single women that would cause us to act foolishly. I will list a few that I’ve seen and how to avoid them. Let’s first define what it means to be silly:

Having or showing a lack of common sense or judgment, absurd foolish (Google Dictionary).

Some women have allowed themselves to act in a silly manner without realizing it due to simply just wanting to be married. They want the ABC and the 123 of how to get a husband. They do not care for God’s purpose, process, inner-healing to be able to choose wisely. They just simply want a man―period. These are women who lack discernment, are full of pride, and have tunnel vision not for God’s plan for their lives, but only what they want.

This sort of attitude can cause a woman to act foolishly. She bets herself on different partners accepting whatever they are giving. If it doesn’t work out, she points the finger at them for not being up to snuff when in reality she failed to take responsibility for her choice and her future.

A cycle of bad choices like this can cause desperation for the truth and doing things God’s way or it can cause further unbelief and hardness of heart. Those who choose the latter fall into the lie that there are no good men and it isn’t possible to have a healthy relationship so these women may give in to the passions of the flesh accepting sexual gratification over real love.

For of this sort are they which creep into houses, and lead captive silly women laden with sins, led away with divers lusts. – 2 Timothy 3:6

This is a trap to condemn women to a life of acting as silly women, who settle for much less than what they’re worthy of. This type of woman never took the time to get acquainted with her worth and value. She defined herself by others only. This is a terrible life that none of us have to live. Jesus died to give all of us life more abundant. That means somethings we don’t have to put up with. Some bad relationships can be avoided. We can be healthy, whole, and women who enjoy life.
Consider getting my series of books for single women: The Single Christian Woman’s Guide, The Wholeness Action Plan, and Patterns of the Heart: Discernment in Choosing a Potential Spouse. These books provide the tools for women to walk in wisdom. The Bible says that wisdom is a defense. It protects us from the things that break us and preserves us for the things that reinforce our value. Please, don’t allow yourself to become a silly woman. Please, know that God has more for you.

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How Can John Gray & Others Recover from Sin?

I think when a leader falls into sin; the church’s response is either of two extremes. One, to cancel the leader who fell into sin or to cover the leader’s sin in such a way as to not hold him responsible for his error due to his position. I think both extremes are wrong. It’s important that leaders are held accountable as the scripture says they receive the stricter judgment because they have an entry point to lead others astray. Their visibility gives them greater influence and with that a greater responsibility to properly carry the weight of leadership.

Not many of you should become teachers, my fellow believers because you know that we who teach will be judged more strictly. – James 3:1

There is a level of transparency and humility needed to recover from sin in general, but this transparency and humility required carries a greater weight as a public figure. Judgment from the mature and immature will be a given. I hesitate to judge others—meaning casting a punishment on them for their wrongs or even attempting to determine exactly where their heart is. I would not feel comfortable saying John Gray is simply evil due to his fault because I simply do not know his heart. I can only judge by what I’ve seen. This is in line with scripture that says:

“Do not consider his appearance or his height, for I have rejected him. The LORD does not look at the things people look at. People look at the outward appearance, but the LORD looks at the heart.” – 1 Samuel 16:7

Some genuinely have undealt with issues where they have formed unhealthy sinful habits that they rely on to bandage their real issues, yet they still genuinely want to obey God. While others have no regard for God. They do not seek to obey him or love him at all. The latter are those who take God’s grace for granted. They misunderstand God’s grace as a pass for sin rather than the patient enduring of the Lord with our weakness and empowerment for us to overcome sin.

God’s grace is not a pass for sin. It’s His empowerment to overcome sin. Becoming acquainted with our weaknesses, in this case, the prowess to sin, should cause us to humble ourselves before God seeking his power to overcome sin. A person with an evil heart who simply dishonors God; there is nothing that can be done for him/her unless the heart changes toward the Lord.

God’s word warns about those who consistently crucify the Lord with their deeds saying there is no more sacrifice left for their sin:
Dear friends, if we deliberately continue sinning after we have received the knowledge of the truth, there is no longer any sacrifice that will cover these sins. – Hebrews 10:26

Again, the above is for someone who simply disregards God’s law who isn’t struggling to obey God but simply willfully giving in to sin. Only God can perceive the difference. It’s like David who was involved in sin but still had a heart after God. He was broken at the fact that he had broken God’s law once he came to himself. Sin has a way of blinding us to the truth when we are in it and sometimes God will send others or allow life circumstances to allow us to come back to who we are in Christ. This happened to King David. He humbled himself accepting the judgment that was allowed because of his actions.
John Gray and those currently involved in sin must humble themselves, confess their sin to God, and trust him for forgiveness and cleansing from unrighteousness:

God’s faithfulness to his word to forgive us is instant, but the purification from all unrighteousness is a process that we have to continually submit to for the rest of our lives. It starts with us taking responsibility.

Thankfully, John Gray confessed he was wrong in a message to his church. This is the beginning. He and others struggling with sin will have to continue to take responsibility. This means that he cannot deflect the responsibility for his adulterous indiscretion on the women or woman involved like so many church people do.

In the case of sexual infidelity or fornication, the church has had a history of vilifying and demonizing the woman as a Jezebel or Delilah; while giving the man a pass. This behavior deflects from the real issue and provides an opportunity for the same sin to re-occur over and over again.

Deflection is the opposite of taking responsibility. While the woman/women will have to take responsibility for themselves. John Gray will have to take full responsibility for his action as a man of God and a leader who carries the potential to lead others astray on a greater level.

John will have to deal with the root of why this was allowed to happen. The Bible says that a good tree cannot produce bad fruit. Somewhere there were bad seeds planted in him that produced bad fruit. This will have to be examined and resolved. This will be a process.

We’ve had other leaders in the body of Christ go through similar experiences. Da’truth and Tye Tribett had been involved in adultery in the past with other women while on tour. Da’truth humbled himself and went into a process of being restored and mentored by Cece Winans and her husband. Tye Tribett also went through a process.  It was not just chucked up in a confession, prayer of forgiveness, and vilification of the woman involved.

Instead, Da’truth took responsibility for his actions, and he and his wife were restored. He’d even preached on how he’d let his guard down allowing certain things in that opened him up to compromise. The sin of adultery is a thing of the past for him and the experience made him stronger. He continues to minister across the country and properly rep the name of Jesus. Those who are mature will need to walk with John Gray to help him to deconstruct the mindset that opened him up to sin. He will need to be built up and restored in the truth.

Brothers and sisters, if someone is caught in a sin, you who live by the Spirit should restore that person gently. But watch yourselves, or you also may be tempted. – Galatians 6:1

In short, John Gray and others struggling with sin will have to humble themselves, confess their sin, and ask for forgiveness from God. In the process, he will have to continue to take full responsibility for his actions not deflecting what happened on the other woman/women, and begin a process of repentance.

Repentance means to have a change of mind and to change directions. He will have to work with other mature believers who will assist him in deconstructing the wrong mindsets that caused the wrong patterns of sin in his life. He will need to be restored to the right mindset that is in line with God’s word and way of doing things. His new mindset will cause new actions that lead to deliverance and freedom from sin.

I am genuinely praying for John Gray, his wife, and anyone involved. This can be a lesson to many both inside and outside of the church that if there is hope for John Gray; there is hope for others struggling with sin if we are willing to submit ourselves to God’s process. It’s not God’s will that any should be lost, but that all should come to repentance; that includes God’s leaders too, who are also recipients of God’s grace. 

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Remember to Practice Self-Care

Self-care is super important in general because it allows us to be healthy individuals when we take care of ourselves. This is why the Bible shares as the greatest commandment for us to love God with all of our hearts, and to love our neighbors as we love ourselves.

It’s even harder to take care of and love ourselves when we are responsible for taking care of other people that we love such as our parents. Care-takers, in general, often find it hard to balance taking care of themselves and others.

Studies show that after a loved one passes; care-takers left behind should get checked out at the hospital because often they’ve neglected themselves and may need to ensure they are still healthy. With millennials coming into more maturity and responsibility as adults by taking care of others and their affairs below are some things to do to assist in practicing self-care.

Be Open to re-evaluating & Adjusting Your Schedule
Recently, I’ve readjusted my schedule so that I can work out regularly instead of the here and there that I’d been doing since my mom moved in with me and my dad passed. Time management sometimes needs to be readjusted when circumstances in life change. Start by praying to God that he would show you how to readjust your time.

Prioritize what is important to you. Set goals to accomplish what is important to you. For example, you may need to ask for help or utilize an assistance program such as an adult daycare to allow your senior parents to be around other adults during the day where they can make friends. Ask family members for help when you want to go hang out if your parent cannot be alone. Where there is a will there is a way. Consider readjusting your time and plan to implement your readjustments.

Re-Commit to Maintain Your Health
Don’t stop doing the things that keep you healthy and make you smile. Keep a healthy routine. Establishing a healthy routine creates the habit of practicing good health. Things that should be in a healthy routine should be maintaining an early bed-time, limiting digital devices, and social media, meal-prepping healthy meals, and consistent exercise—at least 3 days per week at 30 mins. Also, getting fresh air, going for walks, and intaking vitamin D are all a part of a healthy routine. Finally, maintaining a healthy social network with others who value us for who we are. These all contribute to our physical, mental, social, and emotional health.

They also contribute to the overall enjoyment of life. If you enjoy dancing, dance, cycling, cycle, cooking, cook, being hospitable making others feel at home, do that. Prioritize some things you like to do for your self-care and personal health. Don’t forget to have quiet time and your favorite hot coffee, tea, or cocoa. Don’t forget to get a facial, wax, or anything that makes you feel beautiful. I like to take at least one day per week to do full-face make-up on myself. I may just take pictures and experiment with new lighting. These are some clear examples of self-care.

Do not Become so Busy that You are a Stranger to Your Family/Friends, but also Set Boundaries at Times: We need that time with our family. It settles us and reminds us we belong somewhere. It does the same for them especially as our parents get older. If they have not established life outside of the hustle and bustle of taking care of family and home; they may be confused as to what to do next or how to enjoy where they are. The check-ins of their children help to minister to their needs and refresh them in their worth. It’s so important.

Consider your social life. Have you checked-in with anyone. Does someone know you’re still alive, safe, and not depressed? I understand we’ve got goals and we want to grind, and there is a time and place for that, but there is also a time and place for rest and the joys of fellowship. Someone misses you and deep down, I’m sure you miss someone else. Create an opportunity to enjoy your family and friends. Don’t pass up on every invitation, but say yes to some fun adventures with friends and family.

Self-care also includes things like having the right perspective of yourself, forgiveness, thankfulness and such. Read more about this in my book: “The Wholeness Action Plan.“

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It Cost God Something to Love You:

Loving us did not come cheap to God. Even though He is God. He paid a high price for us. It is an awesome thing to sit in quietness and remember the goodness of the Lord. Even though many of us have heard the gospel story, sitting in God’s presence thinking on his goodness; we can begin to see it in a new way.

We know love is real when it costs something to love. A friend or family member gives up a kidney for a relative because of love. A married person dials back their dreams to be present with their spouse and children because of love. A single person holds out on false love because he/she loves herself. We know love is real when it costs us something.

So, what did it cost God to love us? It first cost God, the Father, his son. God the Father had to watch his son suffer on earth to bring us to himself. Jesus Christ, God in the flesh gave up his comfort. He had it made as God, the son. Jesus did not have to deal with any of the things we see him dealing with from man.

Jesus humbled himself as a man. He did not flash the clout of being God, but genuinely humbled himself. This humility allowed him to be scrutinized by the men he gave up his life to save. His humble entrance into the world as the son of a carpenter, Joseph, and a teen mom, Mary, who lived in a small town where everyone knew everyone garnered him the sin of familiarity. He gave up respect in his home-town to love us.

HHe gave up the comfort of avoiding confrontation from those who scrutinized him for teaching uncommon themes such as forgiveness, and the idea that a man could be God’s son—and making himself equal with God. He had to share these tenants so that we would be able to believe in him. He made it plain who he was.

He gave up comfort for being accepted among the most religious elite of his day by not condemning the outcasts of society—the divorced, lepers, tax collectors, and prostitutes. Finally, he embraced the grief of dying on the cross and leaving a grieving mother behind and siblings for the greater good of all humanity who would trust and believe in him.

All of this and more Christ endured due to the joy that was set before him. What was this joy? What was this motivation? The Bible says plainly in John 3:16 it was because he loved us. You are very loveable. Loving you does not come cheap. It cost God something to love you and me. Let’s not forget this. Let’s remember this when God protects us from those who do not likewise hold the very best interest for us. God loves us so much and if it costs him something to love us; that should remind us that we are worthy of love.

Following in Christ’s example, what can we give up to genuinely love our brothers and sisters in Christ as well as others in the world? Can we give up the need to be right? Can we give up the need for an apology? Can we trust the Holy Spirit to convict those in our lives who have done us wrong choosing to love them instead? What areas of your life is the Holy Spirit convicting you, stretching you, and calling you to a higher display of his love?

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Single Versus Married

I’ve been single for a while now. I don’t spend a lot of time thinking about it. It’s just my life and I am happy with it. Recently I discovered some people weren’t as happy with my singleness as I am. I had no idea my single status had such an effect on others. Apparently, quite a few opinions are floating around about me being single that I was unaware of.

As singles, we have to be careful about allowing opinions & stereotypes to be projected onto us. It can cause us to become frustrated with the journey if we’re not careful. Here are some of the things I’ve heard lately regarding my singleness:

1) Abstinent? Poor thing!
2) She doesn’t know how to submit to a man that’s why she’s still single.
3) She’s not getting any younger she should take whoever she can get.
4) A smart, pretty girl like her not married? Something must be wrong with her.

Do any of the above sound familiar? I could go on. To say I was surprised to find out that so many had been thinking about why I’m still single is an understatement. It’s weird. Why is there such a negative view of singleness? Singles, your unmarried status is not a problem or something to hurry & get over. There is nothing wrong with you. You are not to be pitied because you’re not having sex, too picky, or your standards are too high. As a matter of fact, Apostle Paul said, in comparison to marriage, our single status is advantageous.

In 1 Corinthians 7th chapter you can read the married vs single discussion. While our culture practically insists you have to have a boyfriend or girlfriend and has made marriage some type of status symbol―scripture has the total opposite view:

1 Corinthians 7:25-28 states:

Now about virgins: I have no command from the Lord, but I give a judgment as one who by the Lord’s mercy is trustworthy. Because of the present crisis, I think that it is good for a man to remain as he is. Are you pledged to a woman? Do not seek to be released. Are you free from such a commitment? Do not look for a wife. But if you do marry, you have not sinned; and if a virgin marries, she has not sinned. But those who marry will face many troubles in this life, and I want to spare you this.

Singles you are in an amazing position. Please don’t see this as me bashing marriage. Many couples I know say they love being married but also express how weighty the new responsibilities are. What I am speaking to is the attitude that being single is something miserable, something to hurry through to get to the real prize―marriage.

Shake off the gloom of being alone & look around you. You can freely come & go, dream & build, serve & grow with no reservation or interruptions. You can minister in whatever capacity God calls you to without having to first secure the agreement of your spouse. Don’t let the opinions of others steal your joy. Don’t let what you see in others highlight reel on social media cause you to miss out on one of the greatest gifts ever given―singleness.

Live your best life now. Work on improving yourself now, develop a plan for your finances now instead of presumptuously waiting until marriage to ‘figure it out. Become the best you that you can be to the glory of God in your single season so that your married season will be that much more impactful & enjoyable.

V.I.R.G.I.N. walks you through a 7 day discovery journey of self-worth and reveals God’s vested interest in your future by using scripture and life lessons from the author’s life. She shares candidly about her commitment to remain abstinent until marriage and how that decision unexpectedly led her into her purpose. Purchase the author’s book, “Virgin The Book” at this link: Click here

LaWanna R. Wilson is a speaker, author and abstinence advocate. She possesses a Bachelors of Arts degree in Speech and Dramatic Arts from Fisk University.  LaWanna’s love for writing began in third grade with journaling. It was also then that she began to dream of writing books. Her first book V.I.R.G.I.N. was birthed from a desire to start a conversation that she felt was rarely happening between her generation, Millennials and Gen Z regarding their worth & embracing their individual uniqueness. Her focus is to give them insight into the “real world” by using her personal experiences as an example, to help them identify their strengths and utilize those strengths to benefit their communities and their world. She interacts with them via workshops, small group studies and her weekly online live broadcast. LaWanna has a heart for international outreach as well. She has served as a full time missionary and her travels have taken her as far as Namibia. She has found in her travels that no matter where you go young people need someone to look them in the eye and remind them that they are seen, they have worth and they can make a difference.

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Ladies: Your Voice is Important!

Last year I had a conversation with my therapist about the difference in being assertive and aggressive. We as Black women often get the bill for the latter. We’re often looked at as aggressive due to the color of our skin rather than how we present ourselves. We’re often looked at as rough, rugged, loud, or abrasive instead of soft women, who desire vulnerability and are worthy of love.
When fighting against stereotypes placed on us; it can become difficult to simply be yourself.

You may be afraid to speak up when appropriate due to how you may appear. If perceived incorrectly by the wrong person; you may fear being alone or being misunderstood further, but we have to get past that. We have to grow past the point of how we are perceived by others to be our genuine selves.

Knowing the difference in being aggressive and being assertive can help with that. Otherwise, if we simply ignore developing in who we are and how we express ourselves to appease others; we may become passive. A person, who is not developed in her personality operates out of passivity hiding the beauty of the gift of all God has made her to be. I want to encourage all of my readers no matter the color that your voice is important and it must be shared.

Below are some tips my therapist pointed out about being assertive versus aggressive. An assertion is simply the ability to communicate a position or statement respectfully. An assertion comes from a place of genuine confidence. Whereas, aggression comes from a place of insecurity and fear. It leads to forcefully seeking to control an argument, person, or circumstance. Aggressive people are self-seeking, loud, and manipulative. This is unnecessary to get a point across.

An assertion is the opposite. A person who asserts themselves will not do so at the expense of others but will consider others in the process. An assertive person is one who operates according to the scripture of first loving themselves and out of that others. They consider others as they would themselves, while not drawing back in fear. They say what needs to be said and do what needs to be done.

I think a lot of us learned in the church and maybe even our homes that the appropriate place for a woman and her voice is passivity. However, a passive lifestyle is not a fulfilling lifestyle nor is it God-honoring. A passive person will not stand up for one’s self nor step out in faith. Instead of developing into herself; she makes her decisions around appeasing others at her own expense. It’s not God’s will for us as women to be passive or aggressive. It’s God’s will for us to assert the full beauty of the women He’s made us into. We have the gift of being soft and yet bold, ambitious, and yet powerful enough to assert the right tone. We have God-given wisdom to share. We are feminine. We are women and our voices as well as our feelings matter.

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